A happily married couple.
Have you ever wondered whether you fight too much or are snippy too often with your significant other? Conflict is normal in long-term relationships, but when do too many negative interactions become harmful?
The interesting (and helpful) thing is that a ratio reveals the number of negative versus positive interactions one should have with one's spouse. The ratio was created by Dr. John Gottman, who known for conducting studies in which he and his team could predict whether a couple would get divorced with 94% accuracy.
What is the 5:1 ratio for relationships?
Gottman says that in healthy couples, there should be, at minimum, 5 positive interactions for every negative one. "The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict,” Gottman said. “There is a very specific ratio that makes love last. That ‘magic ratio’ is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions."
The underlying message is that unhappy couples tend to engage in fewer positive interactions and if their positive-to-negative ratio drops to 1-to-1 or less, they may be headed for divorce.
A happily married couple.via Canva/Photos
What are some examples of negative interactions with your spouse?
- Invalidating them
- Not doing a task you told your partner you would do
- Failing to listen
- Rejecting a bid for connection, such as a hug or a conversation
- Raising your voice
- Rolling your eyes
- Forgetting events or milestones that are important to your partner
Gottman also stresses in his research that when couples communicate negatively using the “Four Horsemen,” the relationship may be headed for divorce. The Four Horsemen are Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, or Stonewalling. “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament,” Gottman’s website reads. “They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death, respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship.
The 5:1 ratio provides married people with a good baseline on what constitutes a healthy relationship and a good idea of when the relationship has become too negative. After all, none of us are perfect, and we all deserve grace. But how much is too much?
The ratio reminds us that we can all improve our relationships by striving to have more positive interactions than negative ones. Even if your ratio is high and healthy, there’s nothing wrong with trying your best to do better for your and your partner.
A happily married couple.via Canva/Photos
What are some examples of positive interactions you can have with your spouse?
- Be affectionate
- Show appreciation
- Actively listen when they speak
- Do something that relieves their stress level, whether it’s a chore or helping with the kids
- Be thoughtful through small gestures that let you know you’re thinking of them.
- Validate their feelings
- Be empathetic, especially during conflict
Remember, just because you disagree with your spouse doesn’t mean it has to be a negative experience. “When the masters of marriage are talking about something important,” Dr. Gottman says, “they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections.”