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8 simple, expert-approved ways to deal with a partner who is 'incredibly negative'

And how to suss out when it might be time to leave.

Photo credit: Canva

Couples therapist Jeff Guenther shares 8 strategies for dealing with negative partners.

It’s just a fact of life that sometimes our partners will be in foul moods. But when the occasional bouts of crankiness become a full blown personality—that’s a bit of a different issue, as chronic negativity can cause actual harm to a relationship.

At the same time, it’s important to now throw the baby out with the bathwater. If your partner still has plenty of other redeeming qualities, then it might be worth exploring how establishing new boundaries can possibly salvage things. Plus, nearly all of us have probably been through a difficult chapter where we weren’t at our best for extended periods of time. And it’s often those times that we need support from a loved one most of all.

All this to say—it’s not always an easy road to navigate, knowing when to give our cantankerous partner grace or when to cut ties. But couples therapist Jeff Guenther, who regularly shares relationship advice via his @therapyjeff TikTok account, has eight different ways folks can address 'incredibly negative’ partners through honest communication, which can be great starting points.

First, Guenther urges us to “validate” our partner’s feelings to establish empathy. “Maybe they keep repeating themselves because that's all they need from you,” he explained, adding, “feel free to meet them where they are at and be a little negative too, just don't live there.”

Second, he recommended being “straightforward” about the “impact” this negativity has had, jokingly adding to use all the “therapy speak” he’s imparted in previous videos. Example: “I wanna hold space and offer support for your negative feelings but constant negativity feels overwhelming my nervous system. Can we work together to find more balance?”

@therapyjeff 8 ways to deal with a partner who’s incredibly negative. #therapy #mentalhealth #dating #relationshiptips #datingadvice ♬ original sound - TherapyJeff

Three, create a "negativity free zone,” which Guenther says “sounds dumb but works well.” To set up a negative free zone, simply set aside time or physical spaces where grumblings are off-limits. You could even make it "playful" by coming up with a special signal to “catch complaints” for later venting sessions. But, disclaimer, “don’t be a turd” about catching complaints, Guenther warns.

Four, clearly communicate "emotional boundaries” around this issue. When doing so, it’s important to focus on “I” statements, and be honest about your personal limitations. Guenther demonstrates by saying “I wanna support you, but I only have 15 minutes to hear you vent right now. After that, I need to switch gears.”

Five, encourage problem solving. Basically, when a partner begins to complain, Guenther suggests to “gently redirect” the conversation from venting to “action-oriented thinking” by asking something like, "What do you think could help fix that?" This one not only stops the complaining, but helps remind the partner of their autonomy in the situation. Though Guenther does joke that “this sh*t never works but try it anyway.”

Six is a bit similar to five, since it also involves pivoting the conversation. “Talk about something else,” he says. “Passive aggressive move? Maybe. But if they get mad you can tell them Therapy Jeff told you to do it.”

Seven, don’t take your partner’s negativity personally. Their gloominess has nothing to do with you, and might just be how they are currently “processing stress and frustration,” Guenther notes. It’s easier said than done much of the time, but none the less incredibly important that we protect own energy by not absorbing others—even the energy of our loved ones.

Lastly, if all other methods have failed, Guenther does suggest to "consider compatibility."

“If their negative feelings are chronic and unchangeable, it's okay to question things. You have permission to end the relationship if their constant negativity is dragging you down,” he concludes.

Bottom line: there are of course dealbreakers to every relationship, and constant negativity is certainly a valid one. But there’s something to be said about having strategies to deal with our partner’s not-so-lovely habits in a way that’s compassionate and empowering. At least that way, no matter what route is taken, we know that we’ve shown up in the best way possible.

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Single man asks married men their biggest marriage regret and they don't disappoint

“She’s not complaining. She’s giving you the roadmap on how to treat her.”

Photo credit: Canva

Man asks married men their biggest marriage regret, they deliver

Marriage is a big step in a relationship. It's something that people think about from the time they can grasp the concept of relationships. When you factor that in with the high divorce rate, it makes sense that people want to make sure they're getting it right before they take the leap.

Typically people ask their close inner circle relationship advice. Leaning on people like their parents, siblings or friends who have been married to fill in the gaps of knowledge. But with the world being smaller than ever due to social media, it takes little effort to gather more collective knowledge from thousands of people from your target audience.

Surprisingly, people are pretty forthcoming to strangers on the internet looking for support and help. One man who goes by the name King Boiza decided to ask his internet advisors, "married men what is your greatest regret about marriage? Advise the single boys. It could be about anything." They married men didn't hesitate to answer the call in the most genuinely wholesome way.

Gleaning collective wisdom from those more experienced than you is a common practice, but being able to do it in such a large way is relatively new. Different life experiences lead to different perspectives that can be invaluable to someone still learning.

The advice provided ranged from warnings to what could be seen as universal truths about marriage.

"Your wife becomes the words you speak upon her, I regret not speaking life and good upon her," one man shares.

"In times of trouble, remember...It's not you against her but the both of you, against the problem...," someone writes.

"Listen when she speaks from the heart, once she feels unheard, she will be closed off for a long time if not forever," another advises.

"Not all women age gracefully with all their good looks and physique. Marry her for more reasons beyond her body and beauty. Seek a FOREVER," one commenter says.

Forbes reports that 43% of first marriages end in divorce with the number significantly increasing with each subsequent marriage. Finding out the regrets, struggles and triumphs of other marriages may help others feel more prepared to commit to marriage with a bit of a roadmap laid in front of them.

It's clear from the comments under the post that marriage takes work and while some of the men admittedly misstepped, they seem eager to share with others so they avoid the same mistakes.

"My biggest regret in marriage was to cheat and I'm telling you...my wife was never the same...so my advice is never cheat never ever," one guy confesses.

TikTok · Kingboiza

www.tiktok.com

"We tend to take our spouse for granted once we get married. Continue to invest your time in her. You won't regret it and she'll know that you really see her," one man shares.

But it wasn't only men who dropped by the comment section. Women stopped to share their appreciation for the wisdom being left for all to see.

"After reading this comment section, my faith in the institution of marriage is restored. Relationships are not perfect, but we gotta try with people who want to try," one woman writes.

"I don't know why I'm crying...I guess I never knew men like these existed...Your wives must be blessed," another woman shares.

If you need a dose of healthy masculinity and wholesome advice for lasting partnerships, look no further than that comment section. They're saving some future couple from heartache by simply showing up to answer a stranger's question on the internet.


This article originally appeared on 7.10.24

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5 key takeaways from mom's heartfelt letter of advice after 57 years of happy marriage

"We love each other more with each passing day."

Courtesy of Leslie Means

5 key pieces of advice from couple married 57 years

People often talk about how difficult relationships can be. When talking about long lasting marriages and relationships, the word "work" comes up quite a bit. It can make it seem like there's no fun to be had in lasting commitments. After the white dresses, three tiered cake and honeymoon, it's time to pull on your tall rubber boots to sludge through the mud of a long term relationship.

But no one gets married because they're looking forward to how much work the relationship will be. Outside of being in love, people marry because the person makes them laugh, they're smart, thoughtful, compassionate and so much more. With all the tales about the hard dredging work of marriage, some may be relieved to hear of a letter from someone married for nearly 60 years that doesn't mention toiling away the years to stay together.

Keith and Linda Waechter have been married for 57 years, and recently, Linda decided to write a letter to their four daughters detailing how they have maintained a loving, happy and healthy marriage. One of their daughters, Leslie Means, shared the letter chalked full of sweet gems to social media in hopes to spread the heartfelt marriage advice.

The letter starts off sweetly, clearly communicated from a loving mother with a close relationship with her children hoping to impart wisdom.

Courtesy of Leslie Means

"Dearest Daughters,

How do I explain the commitment your father and I feel to each other and this marriage?

First and foremost, we love each other more with each passing day. The love I feel today is so much greater than the mesmerizing love of our wedding day. I still get a butterfly in my stomach when I hear the click of his boots when he walks up the sidewalk of our new home, just as I did as a newlywed in the cockroach-infested basement apartment of our first married days. Granted, the cadence of the steps has changed due to the aging process, but it still fills my heart.

Even though my hair has lost its color and my body has lost the shape and gait of my youth; I have no doubt that your father loves me as I love him. As one ages, the commitment made on your wedding day becomes even more important as you change your habits to help your partner face changes in their life. This is a commitment to both of you as you are enveloped in the experience of marriage," Waechter writes.

Courtesy of Leslie Means

Within that first paragraph readers can already palpably feel the love Linda still has for her husband Keith. But it was the sweet details of how they've made their marriage last for more than a half century that stands out. Here are the five takeaways to maintaining a healthy relationship according to Waechter.

Best friends with a small caveat

The devoted wife explains that her husband is her very best friend and the first person she wants to share information with but emphasizes the importance of having another friend in your corner.

"I also believe it is very important to pursue the friendship of at least one other couple with whom you can talk things over. Sometimes the thoughts of a worry or hurt feelings just have to be verbalized to be understood. If you are so fortunate as to have more than one couple as intimate friends, then you are doubly blessed," she shares.

Courtesy of Leslie Means

Roadtrips aren't just for adventure

Waechter explains that taking roadtrips together allows time for focus just on each other. There's room for conversations on the way to your destination to deepen your connection. Plus, who isn't a fan of a little adventure on a weekend getaway when possible? That alone can help reset tension that may have been building as your focus is on your partner without the normal daily stressors.

"Roll with the punches"

Figuratively of course. The mom shares, "We have in the past and continue today to “roll with the punches.” There have been arguments with heated disagreements. (We no longer bring up the subject of my indoor cat AND a dog.) We have compromised our own personal wishes to fit more closely with each other."

Marriage is NOT 50/50

This may feel like a bit of a shock for some people but Waechter's explanation makes a lot of sense. She tells her daughters marriage isn't 50/50, "Sometimes it is 90/10 in your favor and then again it will turn to 90/10 in your husband’s favor. We respect each other’s wishes. We do not always agree, but we work for an eventual compromise. Commitment remains the watchword even at a time sprinkled with age."

Creating time for physical intimacy

Before her adult daughters collectively choked on whatever liquid they were drinking while reading the wholesome letter, Waechter immediately clarified that she isn't just talking about sex but it is included.

"Finding time for an intimate physical relationship (okay, don’t choke on the word – intimate), whether it be holding hands or dinner out has been a goal worked toward. And yes, dear granddaughter, Sarah, old people do have sex!"

Courtesy of Leslie Means

When speaking with Upworthy about what the letter meant to receive, Means says, "It is such a gift to receive a note from our mom. We are grateful for her wisdom and guidance!"

Growing up witnessing how her parents loved each other is something Means doesn't take for granted. She tells Upworthy, "Mom and Dad taught us about commitment and selfless love by showing it in their everyday lives. They showed up. Again and again. They put each other first and they let go of the little things that just don’t matter. For that we are forever grateful."

Courtesy of Leslie Means

The letter brought about many well wishes for a continued successful marriage while others agreed with the wisdom being shared. Keith and Linda married when they were both barely legal adults at 18 and 19, and while Linda shares in her letter that times have not always been easy, she never describes her marriage as something hard to work at.

While marriage advice isn't a one sized fits everyone thing, the knowledge gained from being in a 57 year healthy and happy marriage is certainly something to consider. Here's to many more happy years to come!

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People are sharing the marriage advice that 'sounded absurd' but is actually really helpful

Here are 19 of the best responses.

via Pexels

Work at it every single day folks.


The best advice isn’t always obvious, or else we would have thought of it ourselves. It often comes out of left field and can be counterintuitive. When it comes to marriage, the best advice tends to be centered around keeping a focus on the long game.

One of the best pieces of marriage advice I ever received was, “Buy her a bottle of shampoo from time to time without her asking.” Now, that doesn’t mean to get shampoo specifically, but just pick up something here and there to show you care and are thinking about her.


Marriage, if done right, is forever, so that often means taking a loss in the short-term to enjoy the long-term benefits of a happy life with someone. This is great as a concept but in practice can be pretty darn hard, day in and day out.

Hence why about 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Reddit user thecountnotthesaint put out a call to the AskMen forum for some of the best marriage advice that “sounded absurd” but was actually helpful.

The question was inspired by some advice the Reddit user had received from their father, who claimed that a king-sized bed is the key to a happy marriage. "I'll be damned if that wasn't one of the best decisions we made aside from getting married and having kids," they wrote.

A lot of the advice was about being careful not to escalate small disagreements into larger arguments that could turn personal and ugly. A lot of people think that to have a successful marriage means being able to compromise and to let things go quickly.

Here are some of the best responses to the question, “What random marriage advice sounded absurd but was actually spot on helpful?”

1.

"Dad said 'Be kind even if you’re not feeling it. Maybe especially if you’re not feeling it.'” — semantician

2. 

"At my wedding, my wife's Grandmother offered so funny, weird, solid advice. She said, 'If you get angry with each other, go to bed naked and see if you can resolve it before you go to sleep.' So far, so good. Anniversary on Monday!" — drizzyjdracco

3. 

"The advice I’ve given people is this: if you can go grocery shopping with your person and have the best time ever, you have yourself a keeper. It’s all about making the best of the mundane things, because after years of being together, life becomes predictable. You’ll need to keep the spice going, regardless of what you’re doing. Source: married 15 years." — LemonFizzy0000

4. 

"My grandfather told me 'Never go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.' What I learned is that he would always help my grandma and that is when they did their most talking." — t480

5. 

"When our kid was about to be born, someone told me to change the first diaper. If you can handle the first one, the others will be easy.' So I did. I didn't know what I was doing, so I asked the nurse at the hospital to teach me, and I changed the first several few diapers while my wife recovered from a difficult labor. The advice was correct, no other diaper was as disgusting as the first one. It got very easy and I never minded doing it, and my wife was really really grateful. And I loved that I could take on some of the parenting chores, since there was so much that she was the only one... equipped to provide." — wordserious

6. 

"Focus on tackling the problem, not each other." — bobbobbobbobbob123

7. 


"Don’t have too high of expectations. My dad told us that, but we found most of our early fights were when one or the other had unspoken expectations of the other or marriage. It is positively life changing to be married, and an amazing experience, but still life goes on."— nopants_ranchdance

8. 

"Marry him for who he is. Not his potential." — There-is-No-beyond

9. 


"My stepmom just passed away, and dad said something that has profoundly changed my attitude: 'The little things that annoyed me are the things I now miss.' So, like, yea for some reason she squeezes a massive glob of toothpaste which mostly falls into the sink basin and she doesn't wash away the toothpaste spit. If/when she's gone, that little constant annoyance that reminds me she's there will be gone too. Don't nag on the little things, rather, embrace them. (still, let her know she has made progress on other things I've pointed out, as I try to adapt to her wishes)." — drewkungfu

10. 

"Say thank you for day to day things, even taking out the trash, sweeping the floor, or folding laundry. Audibly hearing thank you reinforces the feeling of being appreciated." — BVolatte

11. 

"Randomly give your partner a cold beverage on a hot day. It's the little things that show you care." — Purple12Inchruler

12. 


"You don't just marry her, you marry her whole damn family." — crazypersn

13. 

"One of my colonels told me: 'Just buy two damn pizzas, instead of arguing over the toppings.'"— MgoBlue702

14. 

"Be honest. Don't lie to your partner." — Mikeydeeluxe

15. 

"Don’t marry a woman whose dad calls her 'princess,' because she probably believes it. Much to his regret, my brother ignored this advice from our dad." — Toadie9622

16. 

"My fiance always says that 'just because' flowers are the best kind of flowers." — agaribay1010

17. 

"My Gramps who was married for over 50 yrs said: 'tell her you love her every single day.' Kind of obvious, but I definitely took it to heart." — sorellk

18. 

"Love isn’t about having 'nice feelings for each other.' It’s about acting for the betterment of someone else, even if you don’t feel like it. Emotions will change. Your willingness to treat your spouse a certain way doesn’t have to." — sirplaind

19. 


"Bill Maher said "The three most important words in a relationship aren't 'I love you', they're 'let it go.' Oddly, this has proven to be some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard." — KrssCom


This article originally appeared on 05.30.22

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