A stunning 25% of marriages end, in large part, because of arguments over household chores. So the third most common reason for divorce after falling out of love and infidelity is... cooking and laundry.
It seems utterly ridiculous, on the surface. But when you've lived with someone long enough, you know that having the same arguments over and over — even over tiny things — can eventually push you over the edge.
One common argument that pops up again and again: One spouse being told they're doing something "wrong".
Unsplash
Probably the stereotypical example is the husband loading the dishwasher but repeatedly being told he's doing it incorrectly.
This is where it's easy to fall into the trap of the "nagging wife" stereotype. Don't forget that husbands or male partners can be extremely particular and critical about certain things, too.
For example, Mom might pack all of the kids' lunches for school, but Dad sure has a lot to say about the nutritional content for those lunches.
Wife doesn't like the way Husband runs the kitchen while cooking. Husband badgers wife to fold the laundry a different way.
Even when the division of labor isn't a major problem, per se, sometimes spouses have trouble "letting go" of control when it comes to the "how" things get done.
In a recent Reddit thread asking for advice on this exact topic, one comment hit the nail on the head:
"My wife & I have a rule: if you insist that there's one right way to do something and (furthermore) insist on supervising it, you just claimed that job. On the spot. You might be surprised how much drama that has helped us avoid."
This stuck out to me because it reminds me so much of my own household.
I do all the dishes in our home, and one thing I really appreciate is that I never hear a word about it unless my wife or one of the kids needs a specific dish washed at a specific time. Otherwise, the kitchen sink is my domain!
Likewise, I don't moan about the mealplans that my wife makes. I'm happy to give my input when she wants it, or recommend something, but you won't catch me grumbling that I'm not in the mood for chili when she's gone through the immense trouble of planning that meal already.
It's a really solid rule of thumb. If you want it done a very specific way, and not just done, do it yourself.
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
I asked Kelly Hubbell, who helps busy parents create a healthy division of labor in their household, for her tips on this common conundrum.
She sometimes asks couples who are in conflict over chores to think of division of labor instead of "partner collaboration," to get through to them that they need to work together to keep the household afloat.
"A great starting point is defining roles and expectations by setting up a 'standard of care' that both partners can agree on," she says.
In other words, have that conversation about what it truly means for someone to "do the dishes." When should they be done by, is it OK to leave a couple things in the sink if they won't fit in the dishwasher, do they need to be dried and put away or can that happen the next day? Hash it out in a collaborative way that you both agree on.
"By aligning on what’s most important for your family and agreeing (and compromising) ahead of time on how tasks will be done, you can avoid unnecessary conflict and focus on what really matters: quality time and shared goals."
Here's the big catch with the "you just claimed it rule." Guys have to participate in full good faith.
Weaponized incompetence, division of labor, mental load. These are all hot button words that can put husbands on the defensive, but the truth is that none of this matters if men aren't showing up at home and doing their share.
(Plenty of data shows that, on average, women are still doing way more at home.)
Hubbell says that you have to both agree to a standard of care for your home.
Only occasionally doing the dishes when you feel like it, or only doing some of them, or making your wife do literally everything is not an acceptable standard.
And if she doesn't get to nitpick how you do your chores, you don't get to nitpick hers either.
Outside of that, we should all be able to agree that the only wrong way to load the dishwasher is if the dishes are coming out still dirty! If they're clean, live and let live.