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Mental Health

Men reveal what secrets they keep from their spouses, and the answers are surprising

A rare glimpse of what actually gets bottled up inside.

Photo by Donovan Grabowski on Unsplash

Two men chatting over a beer.

Men sometimes get labeled as more likely to keep secrets for selfish, manipulative purposes. But on the other end of the spectrum, men might keep certain things to themselves due to the pressure of gender norms: wanting to hide insecurities to appear strong for their families, hoping to shield their partners from hurt, not feeling safe to show emotion, and so on.

A Reddit user recently asked: “What, if anything, are you unable or unwilling to share fully openly and honestly about yourself with your spouse?” and the answers are a prime example of this.

These long kept secrets—some hilarious, others heartbreaking—are a rare, candid glimpse into exactly what many men feel compelled to keep bottled up inside.

Check them out:

“I keep the ceiling fan on at night because she farts in her sleep and it's so bad it wakes me up.” —JackassWhisperer

"When I go grocery shopping, i often buy a fresh rotisserie chicken thigh for myself, and wolf it down on a parkbench on my way home like a homeless caveman. I have no idea why, but it's my little me-time ritual." —Sternsson

"My self-doubt is something I conceal. I strive to be her rock and revealing my vulnerabilities seems counterproductive." -AdhesivenessGlass978

"When she asks to go out with her girlfriends or away on an overnight with some friends, she thinks I’m upset I’m not included. In reality, I’m praising the lord for a day or two alone." —Bobo_Baggins03x

man, relaxing, spouse, alone, alone timeAlone time.Giphy

"While I love my spouse deeply, I struggle to fully share my childhood traumas. The memories are painful and sometimes I feel like shielding her from that darkness." —Slight_Policy3133

"My child (18 months) is legitimately well behaved, compliant, and enjoyable to be around when she’s not in the home and it’s just he and I. When she’s around he’s combative, whiney, rude, and a little terror." —D00deitstyler

"Deep down, I really just want to be lazy. I don’t want to go to work, or cook that much, or change the bedding every week, or find part time income streams… Like, in my heart, I just want to lounge about, get a bit drunk and read books or watch youtube videos. I do as much as possible so that she’s comfortable and happy but don’t want to admit that I don’t really WANT to do anything useful." —LeutzschAKS

"The sheer amount of stress I'm under. I do share, but I can't articulate how bad it is." —Herald_of_dooom

“Sometimes the things she says to me in arguments break my heart.” —justVinnyZee

argument, couple fighting, spouse, heartbreak, secretHarsh words create distance. Image via Canva

"I served in Iraq and lost my leg. As a result I have severe PTSD…A couple of years after I got out I met my wife. She is an Iraqi Lady and has helped me through the best and worst times. She's given me beautiful children and a reason to carry on. However…her parents moved from Iraq before she was born. Every time I go to her parents house or there is a wedding on her side of the family I attend whilst suffering in silence. Sweaty palms, heart palpitations, shredding feeling where my leg was etc. It drove me to be extremely disrespectful by secretly carrying a hip flask with spirits and cocaine in as it just took the edge off and made it all manageable. Her parents are extremely religious and alcohol and drugs of any kind are heavily frowned upon and banned from the house. The worst is going to her parents house as so much of the decorations reminds me of the house I got dragged into after stepping on an IED. I keep this hidden because what can I do? Make her choose between family and me? Absolutely not. Prevent my kids from having grandparents and extended family? Absolutely not. My mental health and my foolish decisions at 16 are not going to be any form of potential wedge." —Greenlid_42

"That I sometimes buy $20 scratchers when I do the shopping and occasionally throw $60 at large Powerball/MegaMillions jackpots even tho I publicly say 'lotteries are a tax on people who are bad at math.' I do this because I like to dream of a day we don’t have to work and we can follow our passions." —wembley

"The fact that she wont let me put any of my hobby stuff (mostly miniatures and random knickknacks) in our shared spaces without it being in an approved location, meanwhile the entire house is her canvas for her aesthetic. Makes me feel really lonely and small sometimes and like she doesn't care. It's been a topic of conversation, she just doesn't get that delegating me a tiny shelf in her curio isn't the same as letting me actually decorate some." —Kimblethedwarf

“That she is bad at taking criticism, even about the most minor of things. And even saying so is itself a form of criticism she cannot handle. And this has very much hindered our ability to talk to each other.” —Aechzen

"I keep my regrets from her. I worry she’ll think less of me if she knew all my past mistakes." —Suspicious-Factor362

“Literally anything that isn't within the realm of her personal interests. Otherwise, she makes it clear that she's not really interested in what interests me. Sometimes I do, because I can't keep everything to myself forever, but it just feels like I'm a child bothering their parents talking about how cool their toys are.” —ChefBillyGoat

man, lonely, alone, communication, spouse, secretsFeeling lonely in a shared home. Image via Canva.

“I’m scared of not being able to provide a half decent life for her and my kids. Life’s getting so expensive and challenging.” —Arent_they_all

"Sometimes, the food she cooks isn't great. I will never tell her this because she goes out of her way to cook, and I'm not ungrateful. I can live with bad food that night over her getting upset." —CaptainAwesome0912

"That if I speak to her the same way she speaks to me she would probably spend her whole day in tears. It’s definitely a case of “familiarity breeds contempt” as she does not speak to any of her friends like this (who come over to help with furniture moving, for example), and occasionally it comes out with her family, but the unfettered torrent of complaints and abuse is reserved only for me, regardless of what I do. It’s like she looks for imperfections and mistakes just to point them out." —MusicusTitanicus

“How sad I am that my life isn't a grand adventure but a series of choices i made in order to be able to form and provide for a family…I know there's adventure and excitement to be had still, but I wanted to continue my family line. And dearly love my family. Anything available in that vein will come at cost to my wife and children. So I'm stuck playing rise through the ranks, build the better mouse trap and look good to the suites for another raise or step up the ladder. It's going well, but as it goes well it feels more hollow. I could become head honcho, or start my own enterprise and find massive success, it'd still all been to just provide. Collecting wealth is such a boring pursuit, I hate our society.” —BodyRevolutionary167

wealth, work, corporate, working, gaining wealth, statusBored Season 5 GIF by The OfficeGiphy

"I let the kids play Roblox beyond their allowed time." —chelhydra

"She's always in the way. If she's in the kitchen when I'm cooking, she's always standing in front of the next place I need to be. If I'm working outside, she's always in the next place I'm going to go. If I'm fixing something, she's always standing right in front of whatever I'm going to be working on next. If I'm trying to leave a room, she's always in the doorway. I realize she wants to spend time with me, but I really wish she'd just get out of the way when I'm doing something." —Lonecoon

"That when I’m not with her, I put ketchup on my hot dogs." —bipolarcyclops

The secrets shared here range from benign to heavy, silly to heartbreaking. Though it may be hard, studies do show that open, honest communication is vital to building a healthy relationship or marriage. In her 2021 TEDxTalk, award-winning communication strategist Sandy Gerber broke down how open, honest communication can lead to successful romantic relationships without secrets. Watch:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com


This article originally appeared last year.

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Humor

A British newspaper asked Victorian women why they were 'spinsters' and they did not hold back

The newspaper says 'spinsters,' we say unbothered queens.

via Pexels and Pexels

Two women from the Victorian Era.

“Spinster” was one of the worst insults a person could hurl at a woman in the Victorian era. Typically, a spinster was a single woman who was childless, unmarried, no longer "young" and so unlikely to marry due few prospects. Spinsters were the subject of cruel jokes and thought of as sad, lonely women, left on the shelf.

The term "spinster" dates back to the 1300s and refers to women who spun yarn for a living. This was often the profession of single women because they didn’t have the resources to purchase expensive materials, so they were relegated to spinning wool.

In 1889, the editor of Tit-Bits, a British weekly magazine, asked single women to write in and explain why they aren’t married. The woman with the best response would be featured in the paper and win a prize.

women, young women, victorian era, victorian women, ladiesVictorian women smiling together. Image via Canva


The article was discovered in 2018 by historian Dr. Bob Nicholson of Edge Hill University. The request was a response to an earlier piece the magazine had run asking male readers, “Why are you a bachelor?”

The editor received a ton of letters and they weren’t the cordial, demure responses we’ve come to associate with the era. Nope. In the same vein as the sharp, witty, and self-assured literary heroines Elizabeth Bennet of Pride and Prejudice or Jo March of Little Women, these responses were smart, funny, and razor-edged retorts that showed there were a lot of women out there who were single for a reason.

The editor originally only planned to post one response, but instead, he ran 21 responses and gave each one an equal piece of the prize.

Each woman earned 5 shillings, which is about $25 today. Here are 11 of the best responses. The first one is a reference to the tide of American women who flocked to England to marry into the aristocracy in the era.

magazine, interview, women, marriage, spinster, victorian eraThese women are making fair points.pbs.twimg.com

1. It's the damn Yankees

“Because I am an English lady, and the Americans monopolize the market," — Miss Jessie Davies

2. She's a wild horse

“Like the wild mustang of the prairie that roams unfettered, tossing his head in utter disdain at the approach of the lasso which, if once round his neck, proclaims him captive, so I find it more delightful to tread on the verge of freedom and captivity, than to allow the snarer to cast around me the matrimonial lasso," — Miss Sarah Kennerly

3. She's a self-made woman

“Because I have other professions open to me in which the hours are shorter, the work more agreeable, and the pay possibly higher,” — Miss Florence Watts

4. She's rare china

“Because (like a piece of rare china) I am breakable, and mendable, but difficult to match,” — Miss S.A. Roberts

women, interview, responses, victorian women, spinsters, marriage"Less amusing than a monkey" ...ouch.pbs.twimg.com

5. Only Shakespeare could describe her

“My reason for being a spinster is answered in a quotation from the ‘Taming of the Shrew’: ‘Of all the men alive I never yet beheld that special face which I could fancy more than any other,” — Miss Lizzie Moore

6. She's ready, but they're not

“Because I am like the Rifle Volunteers: always ready, but not yet wanted,” — Miss Annie Thompson

7. She has enough pets, thanks

“…I do not care to enlarge my menagerie of pets, and I find the animal man less docile than a dog, less affectionate than a cat, and less amusing than a monkey,” — Miss Sparrow

8. John can't get it together

"John, whom I loved, was supplanted in his office by a girl, who is doing the same amount of work he did for half the salary he received. He could not earn sufficient to keep a home, so went abroad; consequently, I am still a spinster,” — Miss E. Jones

women respond, magazine, prize, marriage, spinsters, victorian women, Whatever Miss Annie Newton said. pbs.twimg.com

9. Because men are trash—er, deceitful

“Because men, like three cornered tarts, are deceitful. They are pleasing to the eye, but on closer acquaintanceship prove hollow and stale, consisting chiefly of puff, with a minimum of sweetness, and an unconquerable propensity to disagree with one,” — Miss Emaline Lawrence

10. There's no way off the marriage toboggan

"Because matrimony is like an electric battery, when you once join hands and can’t let go, however much it hurts; and, as when embarked on a toboggan slide, you must go to the bitter end, however much it bumps,” — Miss Laura Bax

11. Waitin' fer a dook

“Dear Mister Tit-Bits,-beein a cook with forteen pund 5/10 1/2 savins in the bank i natterally looks down on perlseesmen soljers an setterar, so i ham waiting fur a erle or a dook or sumthin of that sort to perpose fer my and and art, and that’s why i ham a spinster,” — Miss Annie Newton

shrug, woman, Oprah, women, witty, responsesIf You Say So Shrug GIFGiphy

Welp, there you have it. They all sound like pretty good reasons to me and research shows these women were onto something.

This article originally appeared three years ago.
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Modern Families

Husband who lost his job reluctantly moves family in with mother-in-law. Pure joy ensued.

Families moving in together isn't failure. Sometimes it's their greatest success.

Image via Canva

Katie Bunton shares her family's journey with multigenerational living.

Multigenerational living is not as common in our independent, self-sufficient American culture–but Instagrammer Katie Bunton (@ktbunton) is hoping her experience will open more people's minds to it. Bunton, her husband Harry and their twin boys recently moved in with their mother-in-law Louella Beale (@nana_lulu_love) after experiencing financial hardship, and opened up about the experience with her followers.

"We moved in with my MIL (mother-in-law) 2 months ago when my husband lost his job and I just keep thinking...it must have taken a lot of propaganda to make us believe this was failure," she writes in the video's caption.

In the inspiring video, Bunton showed her viewers some of the incredible benefits they've had with the extra support of Nana Lulu. From making and eating meals together to time spent in the garden and doing other menial daily tasks, she shows that life has truly improved–even though society may look at their living situation differently. "So you’re telling me, this isn’t how it was supposed to be all along ? #multigenerationalliving with @nana_lulu_love 🫶🏽," she captioned the video.

And viewers are showing their support. "I wholeheartedly believe that we’re supposed to be living with family❤️," one wrote. Another added, "It’s the best. My grandmother and mother live with us. I could never asked for a better support system. I would never ever live without multiple generations in the same house or compound." And another shared, "This has forever been my dream 😢 I’m with you, we’ve been lied to in the west. Intergenerational living is beautiful and to me the gold standard for living in harmony and raising children well ❤️."

And Nana Lulu herself commented, "🥹🥹😭😍😍 I’m such a lucky lucky so and so. 🙏🏽Thank you 🙏🏽 thank you 🙏🏽 thank you 🙏🏽 for the beautiful blessings of family love. 💛💛💛💛"

In another video, Bunton shared a vlog with her followers showing more about living with her MIL and the benefits of living multigenerationally. "You’re telling me we could have both parents present and hands on, all we have to do is just lower our cost of living? spend less money? And pool our resources with family? 🤯" she wrote.

In the video, she explains that her family moved in with Nana Lulu at the end of January 2025. "It's taken us quite a while to get into the swing of things. We moved into a new town as well," she adds.

Their routine has completely changed, but in a good way. And she has noticed positive changes in her relationship. "My husband has felt happier, lighter and more himself than I have ever seen him," she says.

The second video also got tons of positive comments from viewers who are loving their new living situation. "This is my definition of rich ❤️," one wrote. Another added, "As someone that doesn’t have a MIL to fall back on, I just want you to know that I’m so happy you have that. So happy you know the peace that extended family can bring and that you/your husband have the support you need to get to the next stage 🫶🏼💕." And another shared, "My husband and I live with my parents. They built us a basement apartment and I am forever grateful to them not only for that but for the bond it has allowed them to have with my kiddos ❤️ I definitely get caught up thinking we’ve done something wrong but we’ve just done what we can with the cards we are dealt. I am so grateful for my village."

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Understanding the 90-10 rule of conflict could be the key to marital bliss

They should tell you this when you get your marriage license.

Couples, whether married or just longterm partners, really aren't all that original. We all fight over the same things. Chores, money, and sex are pretty much the big three. But Dr. John Gottman, probably the most prominent and influential psychologist in the world of marriage and relationships, says the number one thing couples fight about is actually nothing. That's right, nothing at all!

But how can a couple fight about nothing? The answer: It's super easy. Haven't you ever found yourself locked in a bitter disagreement and suddenly stopped to think, "How the heck did we get here?" Gottman, basically one of the founding fathers of modern couples counseling, writes that something as simple as a disagreement about where to dinner can quickly lead to a conversation full of resentment, insults, miscommunications, and hurt feelings.

Mark Travers, a psychologist and author, recently took this idea a step further and argued that only 10% of arguments in relationships are actually about "the thing." The other 90% are about a deeper, underlying issue. He calls it the 90-10 rule of conflict.


Couples arguments are like icebergs. 90% is below the surface.Canva Photos

He writes in an article for Forbes that "only 10% of fights stem from the immediate problem, while 90% are driven by deeper emotions—unmet needs, past wounds and unspoken fears."

Gottman agrees, commonly saying that "Usually, underneath that fight, is an unfulfilled dream."

It's easy to see how this plays out using common examples.

A couple might fight over a sink of unwashed dishes. Usually, the dishes themselves aren't that big of a deal, but the fight balloons out of control because there are underlying resentments about the division of labor in the household.


dishes, marriage, relationships, conflict, arguments, disagreements, psychologyA pile of dirty dishes is a fight waiting to happen!Canva Photos

Take the initial example of disagreeing about where to go for dinner. It should be such a simple problem for two adults to solve together! But if you're constantly fighting about it, it could be a sign of a repetitive issue: Maybe one partner never compromises, maybe one is overly thrifty or one is too casual about spending money.

When the underlying issue goes unresolved, the fights come up again and again and again, and can be triggered by the smallest possible catalysts.

Once you understand the 90-10 rule, you can start to see a path to better conflict management, and a much happier romantic life.

Travers urges couples in the midst of a disagreement to, instead of reacting to what was said, to try to uncover the true meaning behind those words. Remember, human beings aren't great at being directly and completely honest. We rarely voice our deepest desires and wants and needs, but they come out in other ways.


couples, fights, conflict, relationships, marriage, couples therapyGosling had the right idea.Giphy

The goal should be to reframe minuscule disagreements around the deeper emotion or pattern they represent. Instead of "You didn't do the dishes!" it's "I feel overwhelmed and like we're not a team when I do everything around the house." He also writes that you should try to be genuinely curious about your partner's perspective on the disagreement, and to not react defensively to how they might view it differently.

Being monogamously committed to someone is hard, right? One day you're just doing your thing, and the next you have to use all these new psychological tools and empathy techniques because someone forgot to wash a plate. But not only will the extra effort lead to a better relationship, it could even improve your health. Multiple studies have shown that good conflict resolution skills in a relationship are tied to better longterm health outcomes, including lower stress, which can impact longevity. Arguments happen in any relationship, but the couples who don't let fights about small things escalate into blowouts — and the ones who can still use humor and affection even when disagreeing — are so much better off than the rest.

Gottman's teachings say "Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws," and that arguments, even fights, are an opportunity to deepen communication and ultimately your love for each other. Not a bad way to look at things, right?

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