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Two women from the Victorian Era.

Spinster” was one of the worst insults a person could hurl at a woman in the Victorian era. Typically, a spinster was a single woman who was childless, unmarried, no longer "young" and so unlikely to marry due few prospects. Spinsters were the subject of cruel jokes and thought of as sad, lonely women, left on the shelf.

The term "spinster" dates back to the 1300s and refers to women who spun yarn for a living. This was often the profession of single women because they didn’t have the resources to purchase expensive materials, so they were relegated to spinning wool.

In 1889, the editor of Tit-Bits, a British weekly magazine, asked single women to write in and explain why they aren’t married. The woman with the best response would be featured in the paper and win a prize.

women, young women, victorian era, victorian women, ladiesVictorian women smiling together. Image via Canva


The article was discovered in 2018 by historian Dr. Bob Nicholson of Edge Hill University. The request was a response to an earlier piece the magazine had run asking male readers, “Why are you a bachelor?”

The editor received a ton of letters and they weren’t the cordial, demure responses we’ve come to associate with the era. Nope. In the same vein as the sharp, witty, and self-assured literary heroines Elizabeth Bennet of Pride and Prejudice or Jo March of Little Women, these responses were smart, funny, and razor-edged retorts that showed there were a lot of women out there who were single for a reason.

The editor originally only planned to post one response, but instead, he ran 21 responses and gave each one an equal piece of the prize.

Each woman earned 5 shillings, which is about $25 today. Here are 11 of the best responses. The first one is a reference to the tide of American women who flocked to England to marry into the aristocracy in the era.

magazine, interview, women, marriage, spinster, victorian eraThese women are making fair points.pbs.twimg.com

1. It's the damn Yankees

“Because I am an English lady, and the Americans monopolize the market," — Miss Jessie Davies

2. She's a wild horse

“Like the wild mustang of the prairie that roams unfettered, tossing his head in utter disdain at the approach of the lasso which, if once round his neck, proclaims him captive, so I find it more delightful to tread on the verge of freedom and captivity, than to allow the snarer to cast around me the matrimonial lasso," — Miss Sarah Kennerly

3. She's a self-made woman

“Because I have other professions open to me in which the hours are shorter, the work more agreeable, and the pay possibly higher,” — Miss Florence Watts

4. She's rare china

“Because (like a piece of rare china) I am breakable, and mendable, but difficult to match,” — Miss S.A. Roberts

women, interview, responses, victorian women, spinsters, marriage"Less amusing than a monkey" ...ouch.pbs.twimg.com

5. Only Shakespeare could describe her

“My reason for being a spinster is answered in a quotation from the ‘Taming of the Shrew’: ‘Of all the men alive I never yet beheld that special face which I could fancy more than any other,” — Miss Lizzie Moore

6. She's ready, but they're not

“Because I am like the Rifle Volunteers: always ready, but not yet wanted,” — Miss Annie Thompson

7. She has enough pets, thanks

“…I do not care to enlarge my menagerie of pets, and I find the animal man less docile than a dog, less affectionate than a cat, and less amusing than a monkey,” — Miss Sparrow

8. John can't get it together

"John, whom I loved, was supplanted in his office by a girl, who is doing the same amount of work he did for half the salary he received. He could not earn sufficient to keep a home, so went abroad; consequently, I am still a spinster,” — Miss E. Jones

women respond, magazine, prize, marriage, spinsters, victorian women, Whatever Miss Annie Newton said. pbs.twimg.com

9. Because men are trash—er, deceitful

“Because men, like three cornered tarts, are deceitful. They are pleasing to the eye, but on closer acquaintanceship prove hollow and stale, consisting chiefly of puff, with a minimum of sweetness, and an unconquerable propensity to disagree with one,” — Miss Emaline Lawrence

10. There's no way off the marriage toboggan

"Because matrimony is like an electric battery, when you once join hands and can’t let go, however much it hurts; and, as when embarked on a toboggan slide, you must go to the bitter end, however much it bumps,” — Miss Laura Bax

11. Waitin' fer a dook

“Dear Mister Tit-Bits,-beein a cook with forteen pund 5/10 1/2 savins in the bank i natterally looks down on perlseesmen soljers an setterar, so i ham waiting fur a erle or a dook or sumthin of that sort to perpose fer my and and art, and that’s why i ham a spinster,” — Miss Annie Newton

shrug, woman, Oprah, women, witty, responsesIf You Say So Shrug GIFGiphy

Welp, there you have it. They all sound like pretty good reasons to me and research shows these women were onto something.

This article originally appeared three years ago.
Education

Why you should stop saying "I think" if you want to sound confident while speaking

We all do it, but it might be watering down what we're really trying to say.

Here's what recommended instead.

Clear, effective communication is just as much about what you don’t say as it is about what you do say. It’s incredibly easy for a message to get watered down with filler words and passive phrases, many of which we use on a daily basis.

Case and point: “I think” statements. Sure, this seems like a harmless option. Logical even. After all, it’s honest. Certain factors have led you to think this or that is the right choice, and thus, you are saying so. But as CNBC Make It contributor Lorraine K. Lee explains, overuse of these two well-intentioned words can “diminish your presence and undermine your confidence.”

In fact, Lee lumps “I think” in with “just,” “sorry” and “maybe,” which are more well-known examples of minimizing language, aka passive qualifiers that lessen the meaning of what you're trying to communicate, rather than enhance it. She notes that however "polite" these phrases seem, etiquette comes at the cost of credibility.

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Specifically, “I think” can make an opinion, however well informed, come across as nothing more than a passing thought, and therefore not taken seriously. Or it can make the speaker seem “hesitant” of their own perspective.

So instead, Lee recommends swapping “think” for “I recommend,” which conveys the same meaning but is more “action-oriented” and “decisive.” An example she uses is saying “I recommend trying this restaurant,” rather than “I think you should try this restaurant.“

Lee advises that this swap be used in times when you aren’t all that confident as well, with some added caveats for transparency. Using “from my experience, I’d recommend…” for example. It’s easy to see how you can be upfront about uncertainties, while still clearly communicating your stance.

Things get further conflated when you think about how many people use “I feel statements” when they mean to use “I think statements.” “I feel like this restaurant is better than the other one.” “I feel that you should go with this plan.” “I feel like this isn’t the most productive use of our time.” This is not only grammatically inaccurate, as these are opinions one thinks, not feels, but it also pacifies an already weakened version of what you’re trying to say in the first place.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

So, how do we really develop this better speaking habit? Lee recommends (see what we did there?) first listening for when and where those “I think” statements tend to pop up. You can even ask for the folks around you to help keep you accountable. She also suggests allowing for a pause before speaking, which gives you time to make the mental swap before saying anything out loud. And since most of us type exponentially more than we speak, be sure to make those swaps in written communications as well.

Photo credit: Canva

Bottom line; it’s easy for us to go on autopilot with our language. That, plus a desire to not come across as pushy or domineering, can cause us to not really say what we mean. But if we want to be understood, we need to be intentional with what we say, or don’t say.

@legacyofagrandpa/Instagram

Why that surprise visit might not be the gift you're hoping to bestow.

It’s a bittersweet situation for many adults—you live close enough to your own parents that grandma and grandpa can help out with the kids from time to time. On the one hand, you’ve got the luxury of a village at your disposal. Holidays are a cinch. Yay. But with that close proximity also comes blurry boundaries, which can take on the form of “surprise” grandparent visits during the most inopportune times.

Which brings us to the question: should grandparents be able to drop by unannounced in the first place? If you ask grandfather of two Rick Cognata, who regularly posts grandparent related content on his "Legacy Of A Grandpa" Instagram account, you’ll get a pretty definitive answer.

In a recent video, Cognata shared why making a call first might be a better move, explaining how well it works for his own kids.

“I am on my way to my daughter’s house and guess what? I called first,” Cognata began. “I said, ‘Hey, do you mind if I come over? I’m missing them. I just want to pop over. I’ll bring some food, whatever.’”

While this time Cognata's daughter gave the okay, in the past she’s also told him “No Dad, today is not a good day.” And offering up this bit of autonomy can make all the difference in a grandparent-parent dynamic. Though Cognata shared that it’s not quite the norm.

“I see a lot with my friends that this presents a problem with ... us grandparents ... that just pop over. Like, ‘This is my kid, they live around the corner from me, I will pop over when I want. My parents did it to me and I do it to them.’”

Photo credit: Canva

Cognata concluded by saying that of course, the drop in policy will differ from family to family, but in his own observation, “I hear a lot of my friends’ children saying, ‘I wish they would call.’”

“So that’s all I’m saying ... some of us might be crossing that line a little bit.”

By and large, folks generally seemed to agree with Cognata’s stance.

“Totally agree it’s called respect as our children are now adults themselves. ❤️

“🙌 I ALWAYS make contact first. They are a separate family unit to us and have their own life and routines. This has to be respected 🙌❤️🙌❤️🙌”

“Agreed! Your kids are now your friends and they deserve your respect. Not everyone is up for company ( family) at any given time. They need to have their own space and decide when the timing is right. I expect the same from them. It works beautifully that way! ❤️”

Still, others felt the rule to be unnecessary.

“It’s sad that family can’t pop over like it was when I grew up. But once an adult child gets married we have to respect how they want to live.”

“When I was younger and into my early married life, we would pop over to people's houses all the time. I think it's a southern thing.”

Photo credit: Canva

Whether or not you totally agree with Cognata’s opinion on this particular topic, it’s easy to see how it brings up a broader shift in how we approach family dynamics. Terms like “boundaries” certainly weren’t as mainstream when we (or our parents) were growing up, and it’s still relatively new territory for everyone. That’s why having open conversations, even online ones, can be pivotal for gaining perspective and possibly finding an approach that’s a win win for everyone.

By the way, Cognata has all kinds of grandparent-related discussions on his Instagram, which you can find here.

@its.rachel.rose/TikTok

This is why we support small businesses.

With only a few grand to their name, along with a ton of hard work and grit, Rachel Nieves and her now husband Taylor Nawrocki built their business, Buddies Coffee, completely from scratch.

What began as a simple coffee cart grew into a brick-and-mortar cafe on 150 Grand St. in Williamsburg, which is a historically Puerto Rican neighborhood (though you wouldn’t be able to tell that today). Still, Buddies aims to honor Puerto Rican culture and build community by serving quesitos and a special coquito latté—which is the cafe’s claim to fame.

However, inflation and gentrification have recently caused this American Dream to be in jeopardy. As Nieves shared in an incredibly emotional video posted to TikTok, raised rent prices, in addition to another more mainstream coffee shop opening up next door, made staying in business seem impossible.

Through tears, Nieves can be heard saying “It just feels like you just can’t win, like the small people can’t win.” Still, she concluded her video by saying she would “continue to work hard,” that "she's not going anywhere,” and she’s going to "continue to inspire people.”

@its.rachel.rose Happy start to women’s history months I guess ! 😘 Hearing this news today just now completely broke me. As a self funded small like true mom and pop business this news is scary - I’ve never tried to nor want to “compete” with anyone. If you know me you know I truly don’t see anyone as a competitor- however, knowing someone -whoever they are is planning on opening literally next door not down the block across the street around the corner. I cannot deny it will crush me. I’m hopeful we will make the most out of these next 6-7 months in this space and I just know God was holding my hand when I decided to sign a lease in the city (with hopes and dreams of having two shops) I will continue to remain delusional always I will always work hard show up for myself and show up for others. I promised myself If I was to make content I will be completely myself - nothing curated just raw and here I am 😘 #coffee #dayinmylife #coffeetiktoklovers #badbunny #brooklyn #buddiescoffee #coffeenyc #nyc #ditl #coffeetok #womenownedbusiness ♬ original sound - Rachel

And boy, Nieves did just that. Not only did over 6 million people tune into her heartfelt video, but pretty soon New Yorkers began showing up in droves to her shop. TikTok was TikTokking in the best way, because customers began sharing videos of their own visits—many showing lines going around the block—which only encouraged more to stop by.

Buddies even got support from Joe Jonas, who commented “you are awesome. I’m coming to support.” True to his word, showed up the very next day and urged others to “be a buddy.”

@joejonas Good day to show Buddies Cafe some love! Shop online or head to the store at 150 Grand Street in Williamsburg ❤️ @Rachel ♬ original sound - joejonas

For Nieves, creating Buddies was just as much about maintaining a Puerto Rican identity in Brooklyn as it was about starting an income stream. Born and raised in New York, Nieves has seen much of her city change, including the closing of businesses she “holds close to her heart.” In their place were new establishments that felt like they weren’t for her or other locals.

To make her dream a reality, Nieves started small, selling her coffee, which she roasts herself, in a 150 square foot space. This was a different approach than she was seeing from other coffee shops, who seem to prioritize aesthetics over customer service and product quality.

At the time of starting Buddies, Nieves also couldn’t find any female coffee roasters in New York, which only future fueled her mission to show what’s possible. All this to say—losing her business would be about so much more than losing money. And conversely, the support she has received matters much more, too.

@its.rachel.rose I really love making these little voice overs for you all - I won’t give up lol I just have a few more days to put this out there 🗣️ 😭💕@Bad Bunny #buddiescoffee #coffeenyc #brooklyn #coffeetok #coffee #dtmf #dayinmylife #womenownedbusiness #nyc #coffeetiktok #quesitos #imjustagirl ♬ original sound - Rachel

Because of her newfound viral fame, Nieves has been not only able to sell within her neighborhood, but throughout the country as well, thanks to online orders. Understandably, she has been immensely grateful for the overwhelmingly positive response.

Furthermore, in a follow-up video on Wednesday, Nieves shared the insight that "vulnerability is power.” And certainly, her story is the proof in the pudding. In being open about her struggles, she inspired positive action. Now, more than ever, we need to remember humanity’s power to manifest good things together, when we truly connect.

If you are not in the area, and would like to support Buddies, you can buy your own bag of coffee here. As for me, I could be persuaded to make a quick trip to New York for a delicious coquito latté…