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Modern Families

Beyond love: The family legacy born from a 63-year lavender marriage

“They knew they had to protect each other at all costs.”

The results of a 63-year lavender marriage? Astounding.

Though decades have passed, the effects of the infamous “lavender scare"—a devastating moral panic that swept across the U.S. during the mid-20th century like a virus, targeting gay men and women—continue to reverberate today. It lives within the daughters, sons, friends, and grandchildren of those who were so cruelly denied the freedom to live life on their own terms. However, despite the rampant homophobia and bigotry these people endured, it would also be wrong to say their lives as nothing but a string of suffering, pain, and sorrow. For Elida Rose, who spent 63 years in what’s known as a “lavender marriage” with her closeted husband, Donald (who passed away in 2021), her story even comes with a happy ending. At the ripe, tender age of 90 years old, the Colombian immigrant and doting grandmother embraced her bisexuality. After six decades of living a double life, no longer held in the shackles of fear, she was finally able to enjoy the sweet taste of freedom that comes with embodying your true, authentic self.

Donald and Elida’s remarkable love story, although strictly platonic, was documented in a touching viral TikTok series created by their granddaughter, Christian Owen. In a flurry of slideshows, she depicts her grandparents’ lavender marriagephotos of the family with their two daughters, her grandfather making moves in Hollywood as an up-and-coming graphic design artist, Elida’s devout Catholicism, and her deep belief that queer people deserve a place in the Catholic church. Their commitment to each other demonstrates how their profound sacrifices paved the way for future generations to live authentically and love freely.


@faultywiring0709

I am so truly blessed. #fyp #TikTokPartner #pridetiktok #lgbt #lavendermarriage #

At the time, being gay was dangerous, and many faced vile social and professional consequences due to their sexual preferences. As a result, many queer people agreed to “lavender marriages,” covert unions typically between a man and a woman, where one or both partners were secretly gay. They wed, promising to keep each other safe. Lavender marriages are often referred to as “marriages of convenience”: a means to an end, a last-ditch survival tactic to conceal their true sexual preferences and avoid facing the potentially catastrophic repercussions.

Elida and Don’s six-decade relationship has swept social media, where their platonic love for each other has captured the hearts of thousands. Christian lovingly chronicles her grandparents’ lives, writing “I am so truly blessed” in a caption. “Despite both of them being LGBTQ, they were each other’s best friends and loved and protected each other fiercely… [and] as a result of my grandparents’ loving 63-year lavender marriage, they had two daughters, four grandchildren, and eight great-grandchildren.”


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Their story begins in West Hollywood, where Don was a Los Angeles Art School student and Elida was in nursing school. The two met and became fast friends. However, as Don’s career as a graphic design artist began to blossom in Hollywood, working with celebrities like Ansel Adams, Hugh Hefner, and Francis Ford Coppola, he feared that, like many in the industry, his sexuality would get him black-listed. With Elida’s immigration status pending, the two decided to wed. Don found a dazzling gold ring and set the emerald Elida had brought with her from Colombia in it, telling her, “I want you to always carry a piece of home with you.” (Christian would later propose to her girlfriend, now wife, Laura, with the same ring.) And just like that, Don and Elida found themselves in a lavender marriage.

But although Don never got the chance to live authentically as an out gay man, it turns out Elida had a few secrets of her own. Following Donald’s death, as the family lamented the fact that he’d always had to hide his true self, a secret slipped out. Seemingly out of the blue, she announced, “I might be 90 years old, but, well, I like women. I always have.”

Whoa.


Grandmother, lesbian, nongenarian, bisexual, LGBTQ, lavender marriage 90-year-old Grandma Elida is finally able to live her true, authentic life. TikTok @faultywiring0709

"Being able to live as my true self now means more to me than freedom, it is freedom," Elida told PEOPLE. "Please don't get me wrong, I loved my husband so much. We had a beautiful life together, but not being able to be our true selves made us felt like we were in a prison."

The term “lavender marriage” may be unfamiliar to some, especially younger generations. The fact that we now live in a time when this phrase, once synonymous with the oppression of queer people, has begun to fade from our collective memories speaks to the remarkable progress of the LGBTQ+ movement and activists. The concept dates back to the early 20th century, when society heavily stigmatized same-sex attraction. During Hollywood's Golden Age, many stars were forced to covertly enter these unions to protect their careers and public images. This was largely due to "morality clauses" in 1920s actors' contracts that prohibited any behavior considered "a deviation from social norms."

But lavender marriages came with a cost. Although they shielded queer men and women from the harsh realities of social expectations, these romantically void unions were often heartbreaking for all involved. They required immense emotional resilience and trust between partners. Because while Donald and Elida certainly had love for each other, keeping up the facade as a heteronormative family was far from easy. Their partnership demanded constant negotiation, sparking paranoia, fear, and even jealousy. “My grandparents had an arrangement,” says Christian. “When my grandfather was home, he prioritized him, her, and their family… [and] my grandfather worshipped the ground [Elida] walked on.” The two devised a special arrangement where they could date outside of their marriage, as long as they adhered to certain rules.


Men, gay men, sexuality, lavender marriagesLavender marriages, although shielding, come at a cost. Giphy

Christian’s videos have resonated deeply with viewers, who also carry oceans of emotion regarding lavender marriages and their impact on those involved.

"Lavender marriages are so beautiful, but also sometimes have a sense of underlying sadness. They make me feel bittersweet, in a way," one person commented.

“I’m reading The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. Something about a lavender marriage is so bittersweet,” added another.

Then, from user Holly Danielle: “The only word that comes to mind is love. True, real, raw, unconditional love. Your family is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us.”


According to ancient Greek philosophy, lavender marriages exemplify philia, or “friendship love.” Unlike eros, which is associated with romantic love, philia represents a deep bond between friends, a profound platonic connection rooted in mutual respect, companionship, and trust. In these marriages, partners often provided each other with a level of emotional support that transcended typical romantic love. Beautiful, yet sad, like the prettiest songbird stuck in a cage.

After significant demand from fans, Christian is currently crowdfunding on GoFundMe to create Lilac Love, The Story of Elida Rosa, a movie that would chronicle the marriage between her 90-year-old lesbian grandmother and gay grandfather. “Her story has inspired millions,” she writes. “And I know [it] has the potential to inspire millions more. Her story deserves to be told and honored!”

A curious sign in the Dallas-Forth Worth International Airport.

A brilliant LGBTQ rights advocate in Texas found a clever way to skewer the state’s anti-trans politicians by creating a fake sign stating that the state government was verifying people’s genitals through AI. The signs were posted in bathrooms at the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport. The prank was a great way to show travelers that when trans rights are under fire, everyone's rights are, too.

The signs look precisely like a government warning and infer that the toilet's flushing sensor holds some device to photograph bathroom user’s genitals. Taking pictures of someone’s genitals is a massive violation of people’s privacy, but if the state wants to monitor if trans people are using the bathroom, how else could it tell?


The prank warning sign has a phone number for people to call to have their photos removed from the database, and it goes to Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick's office. Back in 2016 and 2017, Patrick pushed for a law that would limit transgender people's ability to use the bathroom that matches their identity.

Here's what the prank sign reads:

Electronic Genital Verification (EGV)

Your genitalia may be photographed electronically during your use of this facility as part of the Electronic Genital Verification (EGV) pilot program at the direction of the Office of the Lieutenant Governor. In the future, EGV will help keep Texans safe while protecting your privacy by screening for potentially improper restroom access using machine vision and Artificial Intelligence (AI) in lieu of traditional genital inspections.

At this time, images collected will be used solely for model training purposes and will not be used for law enforcement or shared with entities except as pursuant to a subpoena, court order or as otherwise compelled by a legal process.
Your participation in this program is voluntary.

You have the right to request removal of your data by calling the EGV program office at (512) 463-0001 during normal operating hours (Mon-Fri 8AM-5PM).

Michael Dear, a security camera expert, posted about encountering one of the signs at the airport.


The prank even caught the attention of the DFW airport. “This is not a DFW-produced or authorized sign, and we have no information about its origins,” DFW media relations manager Cynthia Vega told Snopes. “However, we are investigating to ensure that none is posted, and we will remove any unauthorized signs if found.”

The idea of the government inspecting its citizen's genitals seems outlandish and totalitarian. However, a bill that made it through the Ohio State House of Representatives in June 2022 calls for just that. The bill would have required high school athletes to prove their gender by submitting to intrusive inspections of their genitalia and other invasive tests. Although the bill was never signed into law, it begs the question: What poses a more significant threat to high schoolers, transgender female athletes (less than 100 people nationwide), or statewide government genital inspections?

Sometimes, the best way to expose hysteria is not to shout back even louder but to encourage everyone to laugh at it. Kudos to the creator of the genital verification prank for using humor to make an essential point about privacy.

Identity

Gay dad has the perfect response to a 7-year-old child who called gay people 'the devil'

“I'm sorry but if you teach your kids to hate I'm going to teach them to disobey you."

A child looks really upset on a playground.

Robbie Pierce, his husband, Neal Broverman and their two young children were traveling on an Amtrak train in California in 2022 when they were harassed by a fellow passenger at a stop in San Jose. Broverman is the editorial director for print media at Pride, The Advocate's parent company,

"All of a sudden, there was a man standing there next to me," Pierce told The Advocate. The man told their son, "Remember what I told you earlier. They stole you and they're pedophiles," Pierce recounts. The man also said that gay people are abominations.

The police were called and the man was thrown off the train, but the incident was a frightening reminder that gay families could be the target of bigots, even in liberal Northern California. "It's a new level of homophobia out there," Pierce added.

Seven months later, Pierce’s son was the victim of harassment, this time from a child at a park. "A random unattended 7-year-old at the park told me and my son that gay people are the devil,” he recounted in a viral X thread. "My son scoffed, but the boy said it was true because God said so."

Pierce reacted to the boy’s hatred — which he probably learned at home — with his own lesson. “I told him parents made up God to make their Kids do what they want. His eyes got so big,” he wrote on X.

Addressing complex issues like religion and sexuality with a young child, who’s a stranger, is a tricky needle to thread, so Pierce admits he had some reservations about his response. But he stands by his decision.

“I'm sorry but if you teach your kids to hate I'm going to teach them to disobey you," he wrote on X.

As someone who has been harassed by religious, homophobic people in the past, Pierce took the opportunity to help steer a young child away from hatred. At the age of 7, most children believe whatever their parents tell them. However, Pierce planted a seed in the child’s mind that may one day encourage him to challenge his indoctrination when he gets older.

The vast majority of commenters on X agreed with Pierce’s response to the child’s comment.

However, some people thought Pierce’s response to the child was inappropriate.

No matter how one feels about Pierce’s reaction, what’s clear is that there is something very inappropriate about a 7-year-old child openly harassing LGBTQ families. The unfortunate problem is that this type of hyper-religious upbringing can cause lasting emotional and psychological trauma to a child. And it’s a common problem. A recent study in the growing field of religious trauma found that 1 in 3 Americans suffer from trauma related to religion at some point in their life.

While we might be quick to dismiss the child’s behavior as innocent or simply as a symptom of growing up in a religious household, the more we learn about religious trauma, the more these children appear to be the victims of abuse.


This article originally appeared last year.

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Wil Wheaton | Wil Wheaton speaking at the 2018 Phoenix Comic… | Flickr

Comedy can be uplifting. And it can also be downright destructive. The rise of cancel culture has made us take a hard look at what we normalize for the sake of a good joke. And with Dave Chappelle’s controversial comedy special, that includes jokes which can be perceived as cruel or homophobic jabs by the LGBTQ community and allies.

At the same time, comedy is supposed to be disruptive, is it not? It’s meant to be audacious, bawdy, outrageous. And let’s not forget it’s often said sarcastically, meaning we don’t really believe what what's being said … right?

Wil Wheaton has previously given a brilliant take on how to separate the art from the artist. This time though, he’s confronting the art itself and what makes it problematic.

For anyone who genuinely doesn't understand why I feel as strongly as I do about people like Chappelle making transphobic comments that are passed off as jokes, I want to share a story that I hope will help you understand, and contextualize my reaction to his behavior."

Wheaton started off his story by sharing how he used to play ice hockey when he was 16, and one night enjoyed a warm welcome as a guest goalie. After a fun practice, Wheaton joined his teammates in the locker room.

Before I tell you what happened next, I want to talk specifically about comedy and how much I loved it when I was growing up… One of the definitive comedy specials for me and my friends was Eddie Murphy's Delirious, from 1983. It had bits that still kill me… Really funny stuff.

There is also extensive homophobic material that is just…appalling and inexcusable. Long stretches are devoted to mocking gay people, using the slur that starts with F over and over and over. Young Wil, who watched this with his suburban white upper middle class friends, in his privileged bubble, thought it was the funniest, edgiest, dirtiest thing he'd ever heard… And all of it was dehumanizing to gay men… I didn't know any better. I accepted the framing, I developed a view of gay men as predatory, somehow less than straight men, absolutely worthy of mockery and contempt. Always good for a joke…

Wil Wheaton | Wil Wheaton at the Phoenix Comicon, on the Eur… | Flickrwww.flickr.com

…A comedian who I thought was one of the funniest people on the planet totally normalized making a mockery of gay people, and because I was a privileged white kid, raised by privileged white parents, there was nobody around me to challenge that perception. For much of my teen years, I was embarrassingly homophobic, and it all started with that comedy special.

Here Wheaton pivots back to the locker room:

So I'm talking with these guys…We're doing that sports thing where you talk about the great plays, and feel like you're part of something special.

And then, without even realizing what I was doing, that awful word came out of my mouth. ‘Blah blah blah F****t,’ I said.

The room fell silent and that's when I realized every single guy in this room was gay. They were from a team called The Blades (amazing) and I had just ... really fucked up.

"'Do you have any gay friends?" One of them asked me, gently.

"Yes," I said, defensively. Then, I lied, "they say that all the time." I was so embarrassed and horrified. I realized I had basically said the N word, in context, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to beg forgiveness. But I was a stupid sixteen year-old with pride and ignorance and fear all over myself, so I lied to try and get out of it.

"They must not love themselves very much," he said, with quiet disappointment.

Nobody said another word to me. I felt terrible. I shoved my gear into my bag and left as quickly as I could.

That happened over 30 years ago, and I think about it all the time. I'm mortified and embarrassed and so regretful that I said such a hurtful thing. I said it out of ignorance, but I still said it, and I said it because I believed these men, who were so cool and kind and just like all the other men I played with (I was always the youngest player on the ice) were somehow less than ... I guess everyone. Because that had been normalized for me by culture and comedy.

A *huge* part of that normalization was through entertainment that dehumanized gay men in the service of "jokes". And as someone who thought jokes were great, I accepted it. I mean, nobody was making fun of *ME* that way…so…

This stuff that Chappelle did? …For a transgender person, those "jokes" normalize hateful, ignorant, bigoted behavior towards them. Those "jokes" contribute to a world where transgender people are constantly under threat of violence, because transgender people have been safely, acceptably, dehumanized. And it's all okay, because they were dehumanized by a Black man……Literally every queer person I know (and I know a LOT) is hurt by Chappelle's actions. When literally every queer person I know says "this is hurtful to me", I'm going to listen to them and support them, and not tell them why they are wrong…

Wil Wheaton brings up some powerful points. While this is a complex issue, the insidious nature of dehumanizing jokes is pretty blatant. At some point we have to ask ourselves: Is it really worth harming someone else for the sake of a joke? When put that bluntly, the answer, I hope, is a resounding no.


This article originally appeared four years ago.