upworthy

hospice

Health

Chaplain who comforted thousands of dying people reveals their most common regret

It's a great lesson that we could all learn from.

via Tampa General Hospital and Canva/Photos

Chaplain J.S. Park and a man on his deathbed.

The regrets of the dying are tragedies for those who are leaving this world. However, for the living, they can be valuable lessons on how to live a happy and meaningful life that benefits others. That way, when we reach the end, we can do so peacefully, knowing that we got the most out of this one lifetime.

Joon Park, who goes by J.S. Park on social media, is a chaplain at Tampa General Hospital who describes himself as a “grief catcher” and is the author of “As Long as You Need: Permission to Grieve.” He has sat at the bedsides of thousands of people who are in the process of passing away, and that’s given him a very unique perspective on life. He knows the greatest gift to give to the dying is listening so they can feel heard before they leave this world.

What’s the biggest regret of the dying?

He told CNN that in his conversations with the dying, there is one regret that he hears the most: “I only did what everyone else wanted, not what I wanted.”

“Many of us near the end realize we were not able to fully be ourselves in life – we had to hide to survive,” he continued. “It was not always our fault. Sometimes, our resources, the systems, and culture around us did not allow us to. My hope is always to fully see and hear this patient, who is now finally free. ”

dying, hospice, j.s. parkA man in the final moments of his life.via Canva/Photos

It must feel terrible to walk through life feeling like a square peg in a round hole, having a job you don’t like, a spouse who doesn’t understand you, or having to live up to standards that you didn’t create. It’s upsetting that many people experience this, and Park’s advice reminds us to ask ourselves a serious question: Am I living my life or the life someone else has chosen for me?

Park said that people's most common fear towards the end of their lives is whether their loved ones will be okay after they’re gone.

“Will my loved ones be OK without me? Who will look after Mom? Who will take my dad to the doctor? How will my son and daughter get along without me? Even my patients who are most at peace with their dying are still anxious about how their own death will affect their family,” he says. The fear shows that even when people are ready to leave this world, they never stop caring for those closest to them.

“This is almost an empathic anticipatory grief, experiencing the grief of the other person’s future loss. We are so connected that often we worry about how other people will be affected by our own death,” Park said.


How to know if you're living your own life

How do we know if we are living our own life and not that of others? It’s a big question, but according to Follow Your Own Rythm, a great place to start is to stop letting fear or society’s expectations dictate your path. Instead, express yourself freely, follow your passions, live by your core values, and spend time with yourself, touching base with your thoughts and feelings. You’ll know you’re living your life when it begins to feel more harmonious and authentic.

From Your Site Articles
death
Education

Woman's family shares video of her actively dying so people can understand to expect

"The more we know, the less we fear."

Representative photo by Ron Lach/Pexels

We don't see people dying until we do, and it's good to know what can happen.

In the era of modern medicine, we are far more removed from death than our ancestors were. That's not something to complain about, of course, but it is something to be aware of. At some point, most of us will experience the death of a loved one, and if we have no idea what to expect through that process, it can be confusing and frightening to witness.

The more we know about the death process, the less fear we have witnessing it

A hospice nurse named Julie has dedicated her career to helping families through the death process and educating people on what dying actually looks like. "The more we know, the less we fear," she says, and it's true. While many of us may want to avoid thinking about death, it's a part of life we should better understand before we find ourselves confronted with it and perplexed by what's happening.

casket in a cemetery with people standing around itFunerals are the closest most of us get to death until a close loved one dies. Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash

One woman's family shared a video with Julie with permission to show it to her audience for education purposes. "This is the most accurate video I have been sent of someone who is truly in the actively dying stages," Julie said. "No one knows what death actually looks like because when it's depicted in the movies or TV, it's false. It's wrapped up in a pretty little bow and it's not accurate."

Julie shared that this video shows some of the stages of a person actively dying—not in pain, just going through the natural death process—as the body shuts down. Specifically, it shows how a person's breathing changes and what's normal to expect. Some may find the video difficult to watch, but she does offer trigger warnings before each clip and explains exactly what's happening so people can choose how much they want to see.

Moaning and gasping while dying doesn't automatically mean pain or suffering

As she explains, this is the "actively dying" phase, and the family shared that the woman in the video did die within hours of the videos seen here. The video highlights three different breathing and vocalization phases, which Julie describes as she shares why it's happening and what it means. For instance, in one clip, the woman is moaning in a rhythmic pattern, which indicates that she's not likely in pain (which loved ones might assume) but rather that the body is self-soothing. Julie reassured the audience that what appears to be struggle or suffering often isn't when a personal is dying. Bodily mechanisms and reflexes can look scary if you don't know what you're seeing, but knowing it's very natural and normal can be enormously helpful.

Watch:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Some commenters said that these clips were exactly what they saw during with a loved one's death, while others shared different experiences. (Much like childbirth, there are some distinct phases and stages of the process, but specifics can vary greatly from person to person, so not everyone will see the same things.) But overwhelmingly, people in the comments were appreciative of Julie's lesson and thankful to the family for allowing her to share:

"I had the privilege of attending both my parents’ deaths. I found it to be a beautiful experience. It was almost like birthing them into their next stage. It was a powerful full circle event. Thank you for educating people about the death process. And thank you to the family who allowed the footage of their loved one to be shared with us."

"My wife recently passed away, and I was prepared because of your videos. Thank You Julie."

"I've never seen a person pass. She was not in pain and I am thankful that you explained this to us. RIP dear lady."

"I’m an RN and this was very accurate. I’m glad to see the kind respectful videos donated by families used to educate people on the natural process of dying! Don’t be afraid, these people are comfortable and at peace! Thank you Julie for showing what we nurses see all of the time and are comfortable with."


man holding an old woman's hand in hospitalBeing with a loved one when they die is a uniquely intimate experience.Photo by Muskan Anand/Pexels

"My Dad passed away in 1999. Wish I had known that all these phases of active dying were truly normal. It was horrific thinking my Dad was suffering minutes before his actual death. Thank you so much for this video. It has brought me much comfort."

"I was with my grandmother when she passed, and it was exactly like this. I’ll never forget it. Honored to have been by her side."

"My brother who died from ALS was similar to the second video but I’d also add there are exceptions (as there is to everything) in that my mom smiled at me, closed her eyes, and then died without a gasp or a pause. It was literally like she just fell asleep and I remain to this day grateful for the ease of her passing. Thanks to the family for their willingness to share such a personal moment in the collective life of their family."

"As a retired nurse in oncology, palliative care, and hospice, I applaud you for the excellent video you shared to educate others on the stages seen prior to death. It's so important."

"In the last eighteen months I’ve lost both my parents to cancer. I was with them at the beginning and the very end and I must say the experience terrified me and I’ve been tormented since. NOW I know that the “stages” were “normal” and it’s brought me great comfort to know they weren’t in pain. I’m grateful that I got to be there for them both (even though they were unconscious when I arrived) but I do believe they knew that I was with them. I cannot thank you or the kind family of this lady enough for sharing this and explaining it in easy to understand way. Thank You so much. x"

"I have been a registered nurse for 24 years. The information provided in your videos is 100% accurate and you are performing a service for families and patients. It's one thing to read about end of life changes in a pamphlet, but hearing details from a hospice nurse along with supporting videos makes all of the difference. Thank you for what you are doing!!"

As Julie said, "The more you know, the less you fear." It may be uncomfortable, but learning about the dying process before you witness it first hand can prevent a lot of misunderstanding and unnecessary trauma for you and your loved ones.

You can see more of Nurse Julie's videos on her YouTube channel here.

From Your Site Articles
education
Health

Hospice nurse who's seen a hundred people die shares the one regret her patients always have

Gratitude is everything.

via Gustavo Fring/Pexels

A kind nurse offers a flower.

As the old saying goes, “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” Sadly, this hard truth becomes increasingly evident as we reach our final days. The things we take for granted today, such as our health, relationships, and time itself, become much more precious when we know they are about to end.

How much happier would we be every day if we lived with the perspective of those who are experiencing their final days?

Julie McFadden, known to her hundreds of thousands of followers on social media, as Hospice Nurse Julie, helps people appreciate their lives by regularly sharing her experiences with those who are living their final days.

Recently, she stopped by Rob Moore’s “The Disruptors” podcast, where she shared some of the big lessons she’s learned from the dying. Moore is a public speaker, entrepreneur and bestselling author of “Life Leverage.”

Given his background as an entrepreneur, Moore assumed that when people reach their final days, they regret the amount of time they spend working. "People definitely say that. 'I wish I didn't work my life away. I wish I didn't wait until retirement to do the things I wanted to do,'" McFadden said. However, there is another big regret that many share. “The main thing people say, that I don't hear a lot of people mention, is ‘I wish I would have appreciated my health,’” she added.

“I think the biggest thing I hear from people [who are] dying is that they wish they would have appreciated how well they how well they felt before,” she continued.

It seems that when people’s health begins to decline, they miss the vitality they never fully appreciated.

"I think most people take for granted things that have always been,” she told Moore. “You know, it's really easy to forget. We're so lucky to be alive in this moment. We're taking a breath right now. We're here on a rock that's like soaring through space. I mean, that alone can blow your mind."

McFadden believes that her profession reminds her to be grateful because dying is just as natural as living.

“I think because of my job, it's easier for me to see how once-in-a-lifetime this is. The fact that everything works together in our bodies to make us live and grow and I see that in-depth, too. I see how our bodies are biologically built to die,” she said. “That, right there, is so fascinating. We literally have built-in mechanisms to help us die. Our body can naturally do it. That's wild."

To get the most out of the miracle of life, McFadden writes a gratitude list every night so she’s sure to appreciate everything she has. Because, in the blink of an eye, it can be gone. “I like the fact that I can breathe, I'm walking around, I can feel the sunshine – little things like that,” she shared.

Our lives are filled with incredible gifts, whether it’s the people we love, the amazing things our bodies can do, or the places we get to see. But without gratitude, these beautiful gifts can easily go unnoticed and unappreciated. Practicing gratitude allows us to cherish these moments, so we’re fulfilled by what we have, instead of disillusioned by what we don’t.

From Your Site Articles
hospice
Joy

Man with stage 4 cancer shares what he learned on a beautiful final day on the golf course

“It really puts it all in perspective.”

via Cottonbro Studios/Pexels

A man walks on a golf course.

For most golfers, the game is as enjoyable as it is frustrating. It’s one of the few sports where, for the most part, you’re playing against yourself. The goal isn’t usually to beat your buddies but to play a few strokes below your last game. It’s all about measurable self-improvement. When you feel like you're getting worse, you get a strange desire to chuck your putter into the nearest pond.

Golf is so challenging that only 50% of people who pick up a club can break a score of 100, which isn’t exactly impressive.

In a heartbreaking Reddit post, a golfer who goes by the name Drumsurf on the forum shared how he learned to enjoy every moment of an unimpressive round because he realized what the game was all about: hanging out with friends and, to put it simply, just being able to play.

Sadly, his great realization came on the final of his life.

“I’m 53 and have been playing since I was 19-20. Love the game. Got diagnosed with stage IV cancer in 2020 and kept playing between chemo sessions, surgeries, etc.” Drumsurf wrote on a May 15, 2024 post. “My cancer has gone nuclear and I took I turn for the worse 2 months ago. I can no longer physically handle playing 18 holes or so much of anything that’s active.”

But that didn’t stop him from playing one last round with his friends. His game started strong but quickly faltered.

“I went today with two long-time friends and managed to play the first three holes 1 over par, but then my lack of fitness caught up to me,” he continued. “I took a double on 4, hit my drive in the water on 5, and spent the rest of the round riding in the cart and nursing a Transfusion. Fun to hang with friends and be out of the house, but I’m done with the game. Brutal, really, as I will miss it greatly.”

He ended his post with a message for everyone who’s ever had a hard time on the course. “Next time you get frustrated with golf remember those of us that can’t play any longer. Hit ‘em straight boys!” Drumsurf wrote.

The piece was a welcome wake-up call to many of the duffers on Reddit’s golf forum who’ve all experienced frustrating rounds.

"Thanks, man. It really puts it all in perspective," Helloholder wrote. "We are all one golfer. You’ll always be out there with us," Downwithflairs added.

"I’ll drive one into the water for you," Head_Attempt joked.

"I will not get mad the next time I hit a garbage shot. I’ll think of you and take inspiration. We are with you, my friend," KbPHoto wrote.

Some people paid tribute to Drumsurf by writing his name on their golf balls to remember his wisdom on their next round.

Comment
byu/drumsurf from discussion
ingolf
Comment
byu/drumsurf from discussion
ingolf
Comment
byu/drumsurf from discussion
ingolf

After the post went viral, Drumsurf updated it by thanking everyone who chimed in with messages of support. “Thanks for all the well wishes,” Drumsurf wrote. “My battle is over. Stopped all treatment last month and started hospice care last week. I’m 100% at peace with it all.”

From Your Site Articles
golf
Trending Stories