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How to honestly answer the question 'what do you think' without hurting someone's feelings

Let's be transparent, we don't always think a friend's new haircut is great.

Photo credit: Canva

How to answer 'what do you think' without hurting feelings

When someone makes a change to their appearance, they are usually hoping for a positive reaction from those they care about. Let's be honest, even if you're not the kind of person that seeks approval from others, compliments can boost your day. But it's impossible to like every single change to someone's appearance because we all have different styles so what do you say if you hate the new look?

Most people may think it's best to say nothing if they're not directly asked which is great advice if you're talking about someone you don't know well. Saying nothing when your significant other leaves the house with brown waist-length hair and comes back with a blonde bob might end in hurt feelings and a night on the couch.

Instead of lying about how you feel about the change they've made you could simply ask them how they feel about it first. If they love it, then you can simply say, "I'm so glad you love it" while pointing out something positive but truthful, like "the blonde really brings out the color in your eyes." The person will walk away feeling complimented and you can feel good about not lying, though it's not always that easy.

Episode 5 Nbc GIF by Will & GraceGiphy

Sometimes an excited friend or partner will directly ask the question, "what do you think" after revealing a change or new purchase. This is generally where the anxiety comes in because you don't want to be the one that deflates their balloon but you also don't care for the change. Seems this dilemma has caused many discussions with varying answers on how to properly answer it.

Bad Hair GIF by Nat Geo WildGiphy

In response to someone asking what to say about a bad haircut their friend just received, one person says in part, "if you are close enough to criticize each other, then tell him in a way that suits your friendship level. But in general, I think it’s better to mirror your friends feelings. Especially when it comes to a persons appearance. So if they like it? you love it! If they hate it? you dislike it but it’s not their fault, so it’s fine! But you can gently add in some constructive hints or tips. for example; 'it’s good, I think it will look even better when the sides grow out,' 'the volume is great, it will look even better when it’s a bit longer in the front,' 'i like this, I thought your old cut was also great— maybe next time you could try something that’s a mix of both.'"

Episode 1 Nbc GIF by The OfficeGiphy

Another person responds, "A good rule of thumb for good manners when discussing someone's appearance is never criticize anything that can't be fixed in 5 minutes or less. Given that he has to grow out this cut, and that will take at least weeks or months, let it go. If he likes it and it's what he wanted then don't rain on his parade because you don't personally find it flattering."

"It’s easier to tell someone politely but it might be harder for them to accept the fact that questions that are none of their business, such as looks, weight, whether or not someone is pregnant or planning on having children to name a few are none of anyone’s business, including yours," someone says after an internet user anonymously inquired about disliking a friend's plastic surgery results.

Al Pacino Oscars GIF by The Academy AwardsGiphy

"Unless, and I emphasize this, the person is a very close friend and asks for an intimate opinion, do NOT criticize how they look especially if you think it is overdone," another says in response.

Gauging someone's reaction to their altered appearance will help guide your response if asked directly. Being honest without shattering the person's confidence in their looks can be a delicate line to walk, especially if the person is particularly sensitive. Hopefully trying one of the options listed will spare feelings while keeping relationships in tact.


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Health

New research reveals that most people say they lie to protect others from harm

Is there such thing as the 'virtuous lie?'

Photo by Milk Chan on Unsplash

A study examined the motivations people have for lying.

The ethics of honesty are always interesting to explore. Most of us agree that being honest is morally good, but is it important to always tell the truth, no matter what? What if the truth will only hurt someone's feelings? Is it always wrong to lie? What if a lie will save someone's life? Is there a moral difference between stretching the truth and completely demolishing it? Does it depend on why people are doing it?

The reasons people lie are many and varied, of course. But new research gives us some insights into the most common motivations for lying, and surprisingly, the findings are actually pretty heartwarming.

A study published in the Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science in October 2022 looked at the link between personality and lying motivation, as well as the most common reasons people lie. In the study, a group of 257 people were questioned about their lying frequency, lying motivations and personality traits (using the HEXACO Personality Inventory, which measures honesty-humility, emotionality, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness and openness to experience).

An analysis of the research by Arash Emamzadeh in Psychology Today detailed the findings, which revealed 11 motives for lying:

1. To avoid judgment or shame

2. To avoid punishment

3. Protected from retaliation

4. No "good reason" (basically compulsive lying)

5. To impress others

6. To get a reward

7. Carelessness and impulsiveness

8. To get pleasure out of deceiving people

9. To keep a personal info secret

10. Prosocial reasons that lead to happiness (e.g., telling kids Santa is real)

11. Altruistic reasons (to protect others from harm)

As Emamzadeh pointed out, the first nine motivations on the list are self-serving, while the last two are oriented toward benefiting other people. And while we might assume that most lying is done for selfish reasons, the study actually found the opposite. The top three reasons people reported lying were altruistic reasons, prosocial reasons and avoidance of being judged.

So the biggest reason people lie is to help others. Who knew?

Of course, personality plays a role in why and how often people lie. The study found that lying in general is common, but also found that certain HEXACO personality traits are correlated with more and less frequent lying, as well as different motivations for lying.

People high in the honesty-humility trait were less likely to lie and the majority of lying motivations didn't apply to them. Not surprising.

The emotionality trait (sensitivity/anxiety) was associated with lying to avoid unpleasant or awkward feelings as well as altruism.

Individuals high in extraversion tended to lie more for self-centered reasons and were less likely to lie to keep personal information secret.

Highly agreeable people tended to lie less to avoid punishment or shame or to impress others and also weren't prone to compulsive lying.

Those high in conscientiousness reported lying less frequently and lying less for self-serving reasons, while those low in this trait were more likely to compulsively lie and to enjoy deceiving people.

People most open to new experiences tended to lie for prosocial, others-serving reasons.

Most of the correlations between personality traits and lying are fairly unsurprising, but it is reassuring to know that some behavior and motivation can be predictable.

It's also reassuring to know that most lies aren't as selfish as we might assume they are. Philosophers have long debated the existence and merits of the noble or virtuous lie, and there are compelling arguments for and against lying for morally justifiable reasons. But at the very least, the fact that most lying is done to help others tells us that we are more prone to looking out for one another than we are to serving ourselves. And that's a solid plus one for humanity.

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Wellness

A mom's viral post about her kid interrupting her shower 67 times is a must read

Photo by Hannah Xu on Unsplash, Suka Nasrallah/Facebook

Despite the existence of thousands of parenting books and websites, no one can prepare you for the reality of raising human beings. I've often referred to motherhood as a roller coaster, in which you experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and there's no map to show you what's coming around the bend. And sometimes it's excruciatingly difficult.

I love my children more than I can express, of course. That's a caveat that shouldn't need to be articulated. Unfortunately, it's one that oddly requires defending any time a mom dares to share the hard parts of parenting in an honest, in-the-moment way.

Writer and mother Suka Nasrallah shared a heartfelt Facebook post about her morning shower and how it was interrupted 67 times by one of her children. The post has gone viral, as mothers everywhere see themselves in her words. She wrote:

67 times

He called for me 67 times while I was in the shower

Mind you I started counting half way in, as a way to keep myself calm and not scream back, so surely it was more than 67 times.

But for the sake of transparency, 67 times

67 times I listened to him yell 'mama' and bang on the bathroom door

While I stood under the hot water drowning in my tears because I couldn't bear the sound of his voice anymore and I had no will to reply

I had no will to keep a conversation going while I was in the shower

I had no will to keep a conversation when I desperately needed a few minutes to myself

Because the coffee just didn't do it and it was barely 9 am

Because they had been up since 6:45 that morning shouting demands at me

All I wanted was 10 minutes to myself, but clearly that was too much to ask

67 times

Mama

Mama

Mama

Mama

Mama

67 times that word rang in my ears

This is why mothers are so touched out

This is why we stay awake so late knowing we're going to regret it in the morning

This is why we we are always quick to snap

This is why we are so sensitive

Because we are desensitized

We are numb

We are so beyond worn out

Burnt out

Drained

Struggling

Misunderstood

Being needed all the time is simply draining, and a mother never stops being needed

We have no visible finish line

#thisismotherhood

It has been many years since my own kids pounded on the door while I tried to get two minutes of peace in the bathroom. Now tweens and young adults, they're all sound asleep when I shower, but I remember those early years well. The little kid stage is adorable, but it's a LOT. And it's totally okay for a mom to say, "This moment sucks, I feel like I'm drowning."

And yet, even with many moms chiming in to say, "Yes! I've been there," some Judgey McJudgersons showed up in the comments to rail on this mom for complaining. One gentleman (ahem) even went so far as to lecture her about how motherhood requires dedication, patience, sacrifice, and love as if this mother doesn't know that and isn't hip-deep in all of those things. Others flat out said she was bad at parenting. Some presumably well-meaning but clearly amnesiac parents told her she should enjoy this time because someday she'll miss it.

I'm a parent of older kids and let me tell you I do not miss the shower interruptions and constant neediness of early childhood. I loved the toddler/preschool years for their wonder and innocence and sweetness, but there are parts that you couldn't pay me to relive. It's okay for two things to be true at once. Motherhood can be—and often is—magical and mind-blowingly hard at the same time.

And moms need to be able to vent during the hard times without people questioning their dedication to or love for their children. Nasrallah shared a follow-up post explaining that sharing the raw, real moments when motherhood is challenging doesn't in any way means she doesn't love being a mother.

I feel the need to "back-up" my recent post that has been circulating about my son calling me 67 times in the shower.

Motherhood is terrifying.

You're giving yourself whole to another person; committing to a lifelong relationship.

But somewhere in that fear, somewhere in the exhaustion, somewhere between not having the will to listen to someone calling you mama for another second, and shouting demands at you, and needing you for their survival, you'll catch a glimpse of your baby doing the sweetest thing.

You'll notice how the profile of your baby's face has become less chubby and more defined like that of a toddler.

Somewhere between the mental exhaustion and sleepless nights and these little glimpses, you'll find your heart swelling with a love so deep and so powerful that it quite literally sweeps you off your feet.

And in that exact moment you'll think to yourself, I'd do this 100 times over, just for this moment.

So yes, it's worth every sleepless night, every teething baby, every fever they may spike, every time they holler mama at you until your head is pounding.

At the end of it all, it's so very worth it.

Even when I complain and vent and say I just need to be alone, I still love my children with every ounce of my being, every bone in my body, every breath I take.

Saying I'm struggling does not, in ANY way, shape or form imply that I do not love my children. I adore them and would cross oceans for them in a heart beat.

The follow-up shouldn't have been necessary, though. We've got to stop demanding that mothers either sugarcoat the hard work of raising kids or chase every honest account of difficulty with some version of "but I swear I really do love my kids!"

Motherhood is hella hard. It's okay to say that and let it be a true statement all on its own. It's okay to share the beauty and the difficulty in equal measure. It's okay to let other mothers know they are not alone in their struggles and to let them know they are seen, even when they are staring at the shower wall, exhausted and overwhelmed and alone.

Thank you, Suka Nasrallah, for sharing that slice of truth about motherhood openly and honestly. And hang in there, mamas of little ones. It does get logistically easier. You will have time to yourself. You will sleep through the night. You will be able to use the bathroom uninterrupted.

And it's totally okay to yearn for that time to come, even while holding onto your children's childhoods as long as you can.

For more honest words about motherhood from Suka Nasrallah, check out her upcoming book, "Unfiltered Truths About Motherhood: Captive and Captivated."



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A woman threw out a $1 million lottery ticket. These honest store owners returned it to her.

CBS News/YouTube

When the owners of the Lucky Stop convenience store in Southwick, Massachusetts discovered a $1 million winning lottery ticket in a stack of discarded tickets, they could have kept it for themselves or given it to a friend or family member. Instead, they returned it to the woman who had bought it and accidentally tossed it aside—an act of integrity and honesty that both heartwarming and inspiring.

Lea Fiega bought a $30 Diamond Millions scratch-off ticket at the end of March, but she didn't scratch the ticket fully. If she had, she would have noticed two matching numbers that indicated she had won $1 million.

"I was in a hurry, on lunch break, and just scratched it real quick, and looked at it, and it didn't look like a winner, so I handed it over to them to throw away," she told the Associated Press according to WACH News.

The ticket sat in a wastebasket of discarded tickets for 10 days, until the store owners looked through them before permanently throwing them away.

"One evening, I was going through the tickets from the trash and found out that she didn't scratch the number," Abhi Shah, the son of the store owners told WWLP-TV. "I scratched the number and it was $1 million underneath the ticket."

"I was a millionaire for a night," Shah told CBS News. He began thinking of all the things he could do with the money.

But the family consulted together the next morning, even calling Shah's grandparents in India for their input. Fiega was a regular customer at the store, and the Shahs knew that the ticket had belonged to her. They also knew that she obviously hadn't meant to throw away a million dollars.

Shah told CBS News that his grandmother said, 'Let's not keep the ticket. It's not right. Just give it back to them. If it's in your luck, you will get it anyhow.'"

So that's what they did. And boy was Fiega surprised when Abhi Shah showed up at her workplace.

"He came to my office and said 'my mom and dad would like to see you,'" Fiega told WACH News. "I said 'I'm working,' and he said 'no you have to come over.' So I went over there and that's when they told me. I was in total disbelief. I cried, I hugged them."

Million-dollar lottery ticket returned to winner who mistakenly discarded itwww.youtube.com

Fiega had already felt incredibly lucky after she nearly died earlier this year after contracting COVID-19. Getting the news from her local convenience store that she had accidentally thrown away a million dollars and that the owners were returning it to her was nearly unbelievable.

"I mean, who does that? They're great people. I am beyond blessed," she said.

Fiega told WACH that she gave the family part of her winnings and that she's saving the rest for retirement. The store owners also receive $10,000 from the state lottery commission for selling the winning ticket.

Other regular customers told CBS News that they were not surprised by the Shahs' kindness and selflessness in returning the winning ticket.

"They're just purely good people," one customer said. "You can tell just by talking to them."

Thank you, Shah family, for serving as an example of doing the right thing even when you don't have to, and for giving us all a boost of faith in humanity.

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