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A scorching hot take on why younger people say 'no problem' instead of 'you're welcome'

This slam on cashiers turned into a masterclass on gratitude.

Photo by Blake Wisz on Unsplash

What's in a response?


Have you ever wondered why people don't seem to say “you're welcome" anymore?

The phenomenon has really caught on lately but it's roots go further back. In 2015, author and professor Tom Nichols tweeted out an angry response after receiving what he thought was poor customer service:


“Dear Every Cashier in America: the proper response to 'thank you' is 'you're welcome,' not 'no problem.' And *you're* supposed to thank *me.*" The angry tweet elicited a number of mocking responses from people on social media.


But eventually one person chimed in with a detailed and thoughtful response that just might give you pause the next time you or someone you know says, “no problem."

two women on opposite sides of a counter completing a transaction

Just because it's different doesn't mean it's impolite.

Photo by Christiann Koepke on Unsplash

It's not about being polite. Our views on gratitude are evolving.

In a response that is going viral on Reddit, one person writing under the name "lucasnoahs" laid it all out:

Actually the “you're welcome/no problem" issue is simply a linguistics misunderstanding. Older ppl tend to say “you're welcome," younger ppl tend to say “no problem." This is because for older people the act of helping or assisting someone is seen as a task that is not expected of them, but is them doing extra, so it's them saying, “I accept your thanks because I know I deserve it."
“No problem," however, is used because younger people feel not only that helping or assisting someone is a given and expected but also that it should be stressed that you're need for help was no burden to them (even if it was).

Basically, older people think help is a gift you give, younger people think help is an expectation required of them.

Nichols took a lot of flack for his comment. But the insightful response reveals something important about gratitude.

The thoughtful response from “lucasnoahs" doesn't apply to everyone. After all, there are certainly a lot of people of any age group for whom acts of kindness and gestures of gratitude are “no problem."

Still, his message conveys an important idea that doing well for others does not have to be a grand gesture. It can be a simple act -- and the additional act of letting someone know that it's really no problem helps relieve any potential sense of debt or guilt the person receiving the gesture might otherwise take on.

Most of the time, doing the right thing is indeed no problem. In fact, it might be the solution to a lot of the daily problems we grapple with.


This article originally appeared six years ago.

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Joy

Gen Xers and boomers share 'customary good manners' they wish would make a comeback

"Manners" are sometimes seen as old-fashioned, but thoughtfulness and courtesy are never out of style.

Photo credit: Canva

Speakerphone in public? No thank you.

In the modern world, the importance of "manners" as widely agreed upon standards of behavior and habits of a civilized society feels fairly antiquated. What used to be considered rude has become commonplace, what was polite is now seen as stuffy, vulgarity ranges from tolerated to celebrated, and shared expectations of common courtesy have all but dissolved.

Depending on your age and perspective, the above statement may invoke a high five or a serious eye roll. Sure, we've shed some of the social norms outdated ideas about what's right and proper, but isn't that generally a good thing? Or have we unfortunately thrown the baby out with the bathwater?

Someone asked Gen Xers and boomers on Reddit what "customary shows of good manners" they've been sad to see go by the wayside, and the responses are a reminder that manners aren't just arbitrary rules. Often, they stem from thoughtfulness and appreciation of others, which are universal values we can all get behind.

Not all manners-of-old are worth keeping, but here are some of the "good manners" Gen Xers and boomers say they'd like to see make a comeback:

Saying thank you

Expressing gratitude is good for you and feels good to the person receiving it. Anyone who does a service for you, even if they're getting paid for it, deserves a simple "thank you."

"Saying thank you to people whose job it is to help you in some way. Yes, it is their job, but that doesn't mean you should just ignore them. I always say thank you, and many people look surprised before smiling and saying, 'You're welcome!'"

"As a little kid, I remember my mom telling me "say thank you" when someone would do something, anything, for me. Many times I'd roll my eyes and dramatically sigh "thank youuu" to people. It was expected that parents would, you know, parent in real time. Other adults understood."

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"I am always surprised at the looks I get when I say 'thank you' to store clerks, cashiers, baggers, etc. I can’t tell if they have never heard the words before or if no one ever says it to them. If I add 'have a nice day' I really get stared at."

"Just a thank you in general is nice but often forgotten- I had to text my nephew once and said Did you get this gift because you never said anything about it."

"Heck. I even thank the AI assistant on Amazon. =-)"

Grace (as in saving others from feeling embarrassed)

The embarrassment or humiliation of others has become the basis of loads of social media content, and this kind of "grace" feels like a relic from a bygone era. Being gracious may be a lost art, but it's a valuable one worth reviving.

"There used to be a principle taught to children called 'grace,' which was so important it was a common name for girls, and it didn’t mean moving gracefully and smoothly.

It meant feeling discomfort when you saw another person embarrassed, and gracefully deflecting attention from the embarrassed person.

My grandmother lives this concept in a deeply-ingrained and well-rehearsed way, if she sees someone trip or drop anything, she will loudly say something unrelated and gesticulate to draw attention away from them. She will minimize and dismiss whatever embarrassed them and change the subject.

I have never seen her express delight at the embarrassment of another person."

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"Some other examples: A 'grace period' for paying a bill after it's technically due. They are overlooking the embarrassment of you not paying on time.

A gracious host will overlook a faux pas that should be embarrassing to the guest. Forget a name? The gracious host will cover it up by casually using their name in conversation. Didn't bring anything to a dinner party? The gracious host will never mention it.

And then the most gracious of all: Don't gossip about it later."

"I miss the quality of grace so badly."

Introducing people to each other

In the digital age, we've lost some of the basics of in-person social interactions including making sure everyone present at least gets introduced to one another.

"Introductions. Including someone in a conversation. Lisa, this is my friend John. John, we were just talking about where to get the best fries. What do you think?"

"I do this with my middle schoolers! If there's a partner activity and someone doesn't have a partner, I walk them to another person or group and introduce them like they've never met. 'Hey, have you met my friend Tracy? Tracy, this is Alex. Can she join your group?'"

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"Yes! Also responding to greetings. I teach middle school. We just had an advisory lesson on Communication. When I explained that the purpose of manners were to help people feel comfortable, something seemed to click with some of the kids."

"I’ve been in the company of men I work with, playing in a band with them for a few years and when their wife finally comes to a gig and is standing next to them, no attempt is made to say, 'This is my wife .' I’ve realised only after the fact that was their partner! Someone who I see and hang out with multiple times in a week and then their partner is there and they never think to introduce."

Being aware of your impact on a public space

How many times have you been in a waiting room, restaurant or public transportation and had a person watching a video or taking a call on speaker phone without headphones? (To be fair, it's often the older folks engaging in this behavior, so not necessarily a generational thing.)

"Discretion. So many people have no problem talking loudly and forcing everyone within 100 feet to suffer through their conversation."

"Cell phones on speaker in public areas have led to me hearing medical details that should really be kept personal."

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"This new trend of having your phone on speaker in public is infuriating. Not sure it is the case but the apparent arrogance of thinking that you are so important/interesting that your need to share your every moment is breathtaking. And what about privacy? Do these people not value that?"

"Omg. I’m 51 and my aunt is 70. The last time we went to lunch (her male roommate was also there) she put her phone on speaker in the middle of the restaurant to talk loudly to the doctor about her vaginal cream for ten straight minutes. I’m now dead inside."

"Allowing kids to run around a restaurant is a pet peeve of mine - they should be taught that behavior disturbs other diners and the wait staff. I am one of 5 siblings and on the rare occasion my family went out to eat (people ate out a lot less in the ‘60s) my parents reviewed the rules before we left the house, and made sure we adhered to them once there. I remember the looks of horror on people’s faces as we paraded in single file but almost every time someone would come over and compliment my parents on our behavior. We were allowed a little slack at a place like Howard Johnson’s but knew how to behave at finer establishments. I don’t mind a child getting out of hand - I understand waiting for your food is hard - as long as the parents are doing their best to keep things under control. Child friendly should not mean child-run anarchy."

Not dropping f-bombs indiscriminately

Everyone has different feelings about swearing, but the norms of when and where have definitely loosened, both in what people say in public spaces and what people put in their yards.

"Not saying 'f__k' in public. Used to be you never heard that word in public, now it's on bumper stickers and political flags."

"Not swearing in front of others who may not share your casual approach to language or around children/older folks. BTW when I say older folks I'm talking older (not necessarily me lol!)."

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"I'm in a couple of online sewing/quilting groups and recently a new-ish member posted a question, it was about 3 sentences long, F-word used 3 times! in questions about sewing! I actually commented and replied I'm sorry I cannot begin to concentrate on your sewing issue because all I see is foul language. Other people also commented that it isn't necessary to use that kind of language. They edited the post."

"Clean language in the presence of children, elders and in public is gone. I'll never accept casual F bombing of everyone within earshot with your conversations."

Watching out for others in your path

Awareness of how you might be inconveniencing others as you move through space may have gone by the wayside, but maybe we can return to some of this common sense sensibility by simply looking up and around more.

"I don't know if this is strictly manners, but it's a matter of self-absorption: walking straight out into the street without pause, without waiting for cars that are very near to pass. Sometimes they're looking down at their phones. Sometimes they're just staring straight ahead.

Edit: the driver's version is not stopping when someone's standing at the crosswalk waiting to cross. Even though they've been standing there since you were 100 yards away or more."

"Or another version that I encountered at Costco yesterday, the people walking to or from their cars, straight down the middle of the driving lane. One just took her time strolling in front of me and I really wanted to rev my engine. Choose a side already!"

"And walking slowly across the street while looking at their phones."

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"Taking up the sidewalks and crosswalks by talking or staring at their phones when others are trying to get by. Expecting the old people to get out of THEIR way, that’s the most common frustration."

There are some other manners people mentioned, some of which might be debatable or are simply personal preferences. It's also important to recognize that disabilities, neurodiversity and cultural diversity also play a role in how people behave or interpret behavior towards others. There have always been and will always be exceptions, and sometimes altering expectations for everyone is the best way to be inclusive of everyone.

But one comment that summed up the reasoning for manners in the first place is worth pondering as we determine what to bring back and what to leave behind:

"I think what bothers me is that no one seems to understand the point of manners. I see people saying how many of them were just stupid, and maybe they are, but the point is discipline and acknowledging the people around you. It keeps us mindful and living in a sense of community and rule following, and that is dying fast. Don’t make manners pointless, even if it’s a stupid manner. Do it in a state of thoughtfulness and appreciation."




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Pop Culture

10 luxuries many people don't think of as luxuries

Lots to be thankful for here.

Photos by Lisa Fotios/Pexels and Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels

It's easy to take a lot of these things for granted.

When we think of the word luxury, we might conjure up images of mansions, high-thread-count sheets or designer handbags. We probably don't picture something as simple as walking to our kitchen to get a glass of water.

But for many people, even here in the U.S., having filtered drinking water pouring out of a spout in your home is a luxury.

Merriam-Webster defines a "luxury" as "something adding to pleasure or comfort but not absolutely necessary." Water is a necessity. Having it always available a few steps from wherever you're sitting is not. And there are many things that we think of as basics, simply because we've always had them, that others live without and would consider a luxury.

Someone on Reddit asked, "What’s a luxury that many people don’t realize is a luxury?" and the answers are making people feel grateful for things they might have taken for granted.

Drinkable water straight from the tap

Let's start with the most basic one, which isn't basic at all when you think about it.

"My graduate advisor (in the southeastern USA) taught a class on edible invertebrates, they would learn about a group of invertebrate animals each week and then eat them. The very first week he gave each student a glass of tap water and had them drink it. Then he told them that they were in a small percentage of people worldwide who could do what they just did and not have to worry about ingesting any number of critters. I TA'd that class the next year and it was pretty fun, although the pickled jellyfish was absolutely foul to me. 25 years later and I still remember that lesson."

"Exactly! Just turning on any faucet and being able to drink the water. I don’t think people realize how much of the world still has to walk somewhere to get water, and then has to make it safe to drink."

"Or the places that have tap water but still have to boil it anyways. People really don't realize how lucky they are to turn on a tap and have water they can drink without taking extra steps to not get sick or die."

Hot water on demand

The fact that we are able to adjust our water temperature to whatever we want it to be on demand? Incredible.

"I'm a plumber and we occasionally get calls on the weekend with people literally panicking because they don't have hot water. 'I have a sink full of dishes, I don't know what I'm going to do helllllp.' I think about people in other parts of the world surviving just fine without hot water, or even running water for that matter."

"Yep as a kid we didn't have a hot water heater , mom had a huge pot she would boil on the stove and then dump that in the bathtub. I think I was about 8 when at a Friend's house in town they had running hot water. It blew me away, how cool is this."

"My hot water heater stopped working today and I laughed at myself as I dramatically hyped myself up before rinsing shampoo out of my hair. I wouldn’t have made it 200 years ago…"

Good health

The often overlooked one that's probably the most important one of all.

"Most people absolutely do not appreciate the value of having good health until it gets taken away from them."

"Yeah, being able to just get on with your life without worrying about a chronic illness is definitely a luxury. Hell it's one many would trade being born in a 1st world country for."

"As someone who gets a new autoimmune disease every 7-10 years, this one is number one for me. It's changed the trajectory of everything I ever wanted to do with my life."

"I kinda hate that I took it for granted - until I got sick. Well, I was born with a genetic disorder, but it didn’t affect me (or was known about) until I was 40. Now I’m 50 and spend 90% of my days in bed. But I have had a fun and fulfilling life before that, I’m extremely grateful for that."

Laundry machines

Miraculous. (And yet we still complain about doing laundry, don't we?)

"The apartment I'm living in now has an in-unit washer AND dryer. It's amazing. I can throw a load in, no worrying about quarters or getting it switched over before someone else tries to use it. No carrying laundry baskets to the apartment basement, no one stealing my laundry or tide pods."

"Yup. I lived in a rural area of Brazil for a while. We used buckets to wash our clothes then line dried."

"Soooo true. The amount of time it saves?? You can throw a load in and leave the house. Or do another chore. Or anything you want. It’s amazing."

"The invention of the washing machine led to an average reduction in house work by women of 8 hours per week, effectively adding a full workday for women to be able to do different things. This helped to accelerate women’s rights."

Shopping for groceries without checking prices

If you've never had to take a calculator to the grocery store, consider yourself lucky.

"This is when I realized I was doing ok. When I went shopping or out to eat and never looked at or worried about the prices."

"I feel this. There were times I used to sit outside of the store and just cry, wondering how I would get enough food for the week. I used a calculator meticulously to make sure I wouldn’t be embarrassed at checkout. At times I ate nothing but sandwiches (thanks to the bread outlet!) and ramen noodles. My then-partner and I would share one grilled cheese and one can of soup for a nice weekend meal. Going out was incredibly rare. Only birthdays, really, and then we shared food. Now, I never forget those times because I am blessed enough that I can eat whatever food I want. I can afford all of the bills AND gas for my car. I can pay for car repairs instead of just hoping it works each day. I regularly help out those less fortunate and donate to the local mission, food pantry, and directly to students in need at my school. I give stuff away for free vs selling it on Marketplace. Don’t ever, ever, ever, forget how others live. It’s humbling to go through, but without the struggle we can’t fully appreciate the easier times."

"When I read this I realized this has never been a possibility for me. I don't know why it surprised me so much I guess because I'm just used to it. I can't recall even one time that I've gone to the grocery store that I didn't have to plan every penny. When I watch those weird restocking videos, I don't feel jealousy as much as horror. My brain immediately goes to how much each one of those things costs and what else they're giving up to have them. Probably because if I did that, I wouldn't have a place to live or a car."

Being able to publicly call the leader of the country an idiot with no consequences from the government

Some say free speech is not a luxury but a right. But let's not get stuck on semantics.

"This is the winner. It blows me away when I see people advocate publicly for rolling back free speech while they disparage government leaders in the same breath. The lack of awareness is insane."

"German here. Took me a while to truly grasp that. My parents always had some mean caricatures of politicians hanging on the walls.

Then I became friends with a Syrian refugee and took him to a barbecue at my parents place.

He saw a brutal caricature of Angela Merkel in the dining room and immediately pulled me to the side to ask me if this isn’t dangerous to have at home. I laughed at first till I realized he was very serious and even a little afraid that there could be consequences for him for hanging with people who openly make fun of the German government."

"This is so true. In Argentina we had a period where you'd be met with firearms if you were caught speaking badly of the government or known to be against it. Some ppl still think we were better off back then."

Open minded, loving, supportive parents

Those who have them may not realize what a huge difference good parents makes.

"This is the single most prolific factor in determining a child's success in developed countries, in my opinion. And by success, I don't just mean material success. I mean emotionally and relationally, as well as their career path.

I did a paper in college specifically about the outcomes of families with and without involved parents. The statistics are frightening. It cannot be understated how important supportive parents are for a child's development and life outcome."

"The number of people who take the good childhood they had for granted is mind-blowing."

"I still don't know what to do with this. Every time I see it, even in fiction, I realize how so many people don't know how lucky they are. I too wonder who I could have been with support and acceptance from my family. It's not easy to have to build yourself up when you weren't given the tools to do so and had to scratch it all out yourself."

8-10 hours of sleep

Ah, the bliss of a good night's sleep that you'd give an eye tooth for after you become a parent…

"Didn't even occur to me until I had my baby."

"Can’t relate to having a newborn, but insomnia is a god damn nightmare"

"I haven’t slept more than 6.5 hours a night in over almost 2 years 😩 First it was pregnancy insomnia. Then came my now-1 baby and exclusively pumping. I’m so tired y’all…"

Air conditioning

Seriously, this one is huge. If you know, you know.

"I grew up in a house without air conditioning (for the most part without even window units). I have lived in my current house for almost ten years now and the central air still feels like a 'rich people' thing."

"I honestly didn't know this, until I saw a case on The People's Court where a tenant was complaining about not having air conditioning. The judge went on to explain that AC was a luxury. I've been much more appreciative of my AC since that day."

"I reached a point in my life where I can budget for being comfortable in my own home, whether it is 110F or 10F outside. That's a nice luxury."

Air travel

Sitting in a chair above the Earth and being plopped down in another country for less than the price of a Taylor Swift concert ticket? Priceless.

"People bitch and complain about everything: the seats are too small, it costs too much, food sucks, the flight was delayed. But it's pretty amazing to pay a few hundred dollars and arrive on the other side of the country (or globe) the same day."

"100% And if you go to a random rural town you'll meet a ton of people who have never been on an airplane. I lived in the middle of nowhere in northern Michigan and when I told people I'd flown a few dozen times they looked at me like I was an alien."

"Yeah sometimes I feel like I am one of the only people left who is still amazed by the idea that you can get in an aluminum tube, fly through the air, and land in a place that a century ago would have taken days or weeks to get to."

Free time

The gift of time should never be undervalued.

"Time is the real answer. This question was asked a different way not long ago and someone wrote up a very well thought out reply about why time is the ultimate luxury. And I don't mean using that time for luxury leisure time either. Time itself is the luxury because it affords you opportunities that you otherwise would not have."

"This is my favorite luxury of them all! In my experience it requires money which is the only reason money is important to me. Money to be off work (and all the bills still get paid) but also money to enjoy that free time however I please. From a young adult I made free time my mission and I’ve been blessed to have a lot of it."

"Yes! The first time I watched Wrath of Khan, and Khan says to Kirk, 'Time is a luxury you don’t have, Admiral' my mind was blown. I had never thought of time as a luxury before, and that has always stuck with me.

I still hear Ricardo Montalban in my head when my alarm goes off in the morning and I have to get up, lol."

There are so many simple things we can consider luxuries and feel grateful for. All we have to do is imagine what life would be like without them.

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Jennifer Garner announces the death of her father with heartfelt tribute and family photos

"Today is for gratitude."

iSpotTV

Jennifer Garner ad father William John Garner starring in a Capital One commercial.

Grief and gratitude might seem to be in opposition to the other, but in times of loss, they both work in tandem to help us process our pain. As the “Ten Percent Happier” blog eloquently puts it, “grief embodies our humanity even as gratitude allows us to embrace pain and hardship.”

Actress Jennifer Garner recently gave a poignant example of this.

On April 1, the “Alias” star took to her Instagram page to share the news that her father, William John Garner, died “peacefully” in the afternoon on March 30.

Though her tribute expressed the loss she felt, it made plenty of space for humor and appreciation for the precious memories she got to create with her “kind and brilliant” dad.

Garner began her caption with a joke, saying, “We were with him, singing ‘Amazing Grace’ as he left us. Did we carry him across or scare him away — valid question.”

The lighthearted moment was followed by a nugget of heartfelt truth. “While there is no tragedy in the death of an 85-year-old man who lived a healthy, wonderful life, I know grief is unavoidable, waiting around unexpected corners.”

Still, Garner noted that “Today is for gratitude,” reminiscing her late father’s “gentle demeanor and quiet strength” his “mischievous smile,” and “for the way he invented the role of all in, ever patient girl dad.”

She then sent thank-you's to the medical staff that helped him during his final chapter, helping him get a few more days to spend with his grandchildren.

“There is so much to say about my dad— my sisters and I will never be done talking about how wonderful he was, so bear with us,” she concluded. “But for today, I share these memories with my appreciation for the kind and brilliant man, father, and grandfather he was, as well as the loving legacy he left behind.”

Along with the tribute, Garner shared a carousel of images of her dad, including a clip of their iconic Capital One commercial spot, where her father got to deliver the famous “What’s in your wallet?” tagline.

Garner aimed to honor her father in her tribute, and she succeeded.

“My heart aches a little because you lost someone so incredibly special, but also celebrates the comfort you must have in knowing what a precious and wonderful human being he was here on Earth. I am now singing to him as well!” one person wrote.

Another added, “What an amazing father and beautiful example.”

It prompted a few to reflect on their own relationships with their father.

“Dads are so precious. Sorry for your loss.”

“A father daughter bond is like no other — I’m so very sorry — sending love and prayers for your family.”

“What a lovely face he had! A wonderful father is a tough thing to beat. I had one too and know in my bones how lucky I was — how lucky you were— thinking of you and sending buckets of love.”

Part of being human means eventually losing everyone we love. We can choose to focus solely on mourning. We can also choose to try to bury the pain. But neither of those options helps us fully experience our own humanity. The hidden opportunity of grief is to feel gratitude at a profound level, as if to say “I am now more fully aware of how precious our time together was, now that it is no longer here.” May we all have the grace to embrace both sides when the time comes.

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