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I had a couple of months to live and what I'm grateful for is not what you'd think

I did find joy in just the tiniest of ways. Here are a few of them.

Sometimes, although well-intentioned, people say the most infuriating stuff when you're facing a health crisis. I know, because it happened to me. After being diagnosed with a fast-moving aortic aneurysm, I was told I was on borrowed time. What a concept! As if I'd gone to the bank and taken out a "time-loan."

Soonish after, I was being lifted onto a gurney by a bunch of dudes who never did introduce themselves. Luckily, I had an amazing surgeon at a top-notch hospital and they took my heart out, (I was on a breathing machine, relax), stitched it up with some kind of polyester netting and sent me off to recovery.

I recall, just seconds before I went under, someone in the room announcing my name, age, height and reason for surgery. Cecily Knobler, 25 year-old female (just kidding, but no one needs my REAL age) 62 inches, aneurysm in the aortic root. I remember thinking in that split second, we are so much more than our names and our inches. We are wine-cooler nights at a mosquito-ridden park in 11th grade. We are the love we had for our dogs and our Big Dipper starry-night crushes and our favorite New Wave songs. We are not our skin or our chemo or our lungs or our fear.

Sometimes when you're in that hospital bed, loved ones just don't know what to say. A lot will tell you once it's all behind you, you'll have a new lease on life. The sunshine will be sunnier, that every breath is a gift, blah, blah, blah. The truth is sometimes it's hard to not get stuck in the woe-is-me cycle of "why did this happen to me?" and/or "what next?"

But I did find joy in just the tiniest of ways. Here are a few:

A strawberry milkshake

strawberry shake in clear drinking glass Photo by Denis on Unsplash

Yep. That simple. Someone went to the cafeteria in the hospital and surprised me with a frothy delicious milkshake I didn't even know I needed. Paired with my tasty IV drip, it was just what the doctor didn't order!

My hospital TV had HBO

lena dunham what GIF by Girls on HBOGiphy

I mean, once I was able to understand the remote, I was overjoyed to see I could watch old episodes of Girls. It hit differently on very little sleep, but I loved it just the same.

A video of my dog

Hungry Dog GIF by Rashmi ChadhaGiphy

A friend who was keeping my mutt while I was "away" sent me iPhone footage of him rolling around in some dirt. It made my heart so full, I almost had to get surgery again!

A night nurse made me laugh

Vintage Nurse GIFGiphy

One of the day nurses and I got into a little tiff. She was trying get me to do a lap on my walker (which apparently is quite good for you) and I told her, "No thanks." We went back and forth for awhile and she finally gave up. Later, when my favorite nurse started his shift at 7:00pm, I told him she had been a bit of a jerk. (I might have used stronger language than that.) He laughed and said, "Oh she's the WORST." This took me by surprise and it was the first laugh I'd had in a long while!

My first bubble bath…3 months later

bored bath GIF by theCHIVEGiphy

After this particular surgery, you're advised to not drive or take baths for 90 days. The driving part I didn't care about, but lavender bubble-baths are my favorite thing. I marked the exact day in my calendar when I could return to that daily habit. And on that day, it was the best darn lavender bubble-bath I'd ever had.

healthy
Parenting

Mom teaches daughter a perfect lesson after she threw her new pencil case in the trash

"I truly believe changing your perception & just being grateful can turn around any situation in life."

Photo from Pexels.

Getting lessons are usually not so fun.

Kids can seem pretty unappreciative at times. Parents often sacrifice a lot to give their child the best, just to have it thrown in their face, or in the bin. This is something that Haley Hassell recently discovered when she went to three different stores to get her daughter the latest trendy pencil case.

When Hassell gave her daughter the pencil case, she threw it in the bin complaining that everyone already had it. That's when Hassell decided to teach her daughter the perfect lesson.

In a Facebook post, Hassell explained:

"[Daughter] learned a tough love lesson today... I went to 3 different stores to get that LOL pencil box you see in the trash there. When I surprised her with it this afternoon (just knowing she would be ecstatic) she stared at it and threw it in the trash and slammed the bedroom door. She yelled 'that's stupid, everyone in my class has that..I don't want it anymore!'"

"OK So by this time there was probably smoke coming out of my ears and I'm trying real hard not to completely lose it on this kid that I have worked so hard to completely take care of financially on my own & make sure she always gets what she needs and then some. BUT I thought I had always taught her to be grateful & know how lucky she was but apparently sis needed a small wake up call!"

"SO before completely going Madea mad on my child I check myself and say, 'okay that's fine, let me go get the one you're going to use.' Came back with her new pencil box, which is the Ziploc bag. She lost her mind! Suddenly the LOL Box she just trashed was good enough and the Ziploc bag was horrible...but it's too late for all that."

Yes, Hassell gave her daughter a Ziplock bag as a pencil case since she didn't appreciate the LOL one.

"I told her to get the LOL out of the trash and we would be finding a child to give it to tomorrow..one whose mommy and daddies don't have money for any school supplies or someone who may not even have a mommy or daddy."

"I explained to her she's not entitled to anything special and she is taking for granted how lucky she is. So for now she will be using a Ziploc bag & will personally be delivering the nice box to a child that could benefit from it. Maybe I overreact sometimes but I would've done anything to have all the things she does as a child. I truly believe changing your perception & just being grateful can turn around any situation in life.”

Commenters seemed to love the punishment, with one user writing: "I'm down for this. Yes it'd be easier to give in, but sometimes you gotta teach them the principle of the matter."

While another added: "I think you responded appropriately. Maybe she can earn the one she decides she wants at some point."

Others were less receptive of the idea, with a commenter writing: "I guess I pretty much interact with my child on a regular basis, you know, take them with me when buying stuff for THEM so I know what they want. I talk to my child and care about their feelings. I don't fear monger them. But hey, good job being a monster mom!"

Personally, I fully support mom on this one and think it's important to teach kids to appreciate what they have. If you don't, they'll most likely turn into terrible adults.

This article originally appeared five years ago.

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Joy

Gen Xers and boomers share 'customary good manners' they wish would make a comeback

"Manners" are sometimes seen as old-fashioned, but thoughtfulness and courtesy are never out of style.

Photo credit: Canva

Speakerphone in public? No thank you.

In the modern world, the importance of "manners" as widely agreed upon standards of behavior and habits of a civilized society feels fairly antiquated. What used to be considered rude has become commonplace, what was polite is now seen as stuffy, vulgarity ranges from tolerated to celebrated, and shared expectations of common courtesy have all but dissolved.

Depending on your age and perspective, the above statement may invoke a high five or a serious eye roll. Sure, we've shed some of the social norms outdated ideas about what's right and proper, but isn't that generally a good thing? Or have we unfortunately thrown the baby out with the bathwater?

Someone asked Gen Xers and boomers on Reddit what "customary shows of good manners" they've been sad to see go by the wayside, and the responses are a reminder that manners aren't just arbitrary rules. Often, they stem from thoughtfulness and appreciation of others, which are universal values we can all get behind.

Not all manners-of-old are worth keeping, but here are some of the "good manners" Gen Xers and boomers say they'd like to see make a comeback:

Saying thank you

Expressing gratitude is good for you and feels good to the person receiving it. Anyone who does a service for you, even if they're getting paid for it, deserves a simple "thank you."

"Saying thank you to people whose job it is to help you in some way. Yes, it is their job, but that doesn't mean you should just ignore them. I always say thank you, and many people look surprised before smiling and saying, 'You're welcome!'"

"As a little kid, I remember my mom telling me "say thank you" when someone would do something, anything, for me. Many times I'd roll my eyes and dramatically sigh "thank youuu" to people. It was expected that parents would, you know, parent in real time. Other adults understood."

via GIPHY

"I am always surprised at the looks I get when I say 'thank you' to store clerks, cashiers, baggers, etc. I can’t tell if they have never heard the words before or if no one ever says it to them. If I add 'have a nice day' I really get stared at."

"Just a thank you in general is nice but often forgotten- I had to text my nephew once and said Did you get this gift because you never said anything about it."

"Heck. I even thank the AI assistant on Amazon. =-)"

Grace (as in saving others from feeling embarrassed)

The embarrassment or humiliation of others has become the basis of loads of social media content, and this kind of "grace" feels like a relic from a bygone era. Being gracious may be a lost art, but it's a valuable one worth reviving.

"There used to be a principle taught to children called 'grace,' which was so important it was a common name for girls, and it didn’t mean moving gracefully and smoothly.

It meant feeling discomfort when you saw another person embarrassed, and gracefully deflecting attention from the embarrassed person.

My grandmother lives this concept in a deeply-ingrained and well-rehearsed way, if she sees someone trip or drop anything, she will loudly say something unrelated and gesticulate to draw attention away from them. She will minimize and dismiss whatever embarrassed them and change the subject.

I have never seen her express delight at the embarrassment of another person."

via GIPHY

"Some other examples: A 'grace period' for paying a bill after it's technically due. They are overlooking the embarrassment of you not paying on time.

A gracious host will overlook a faux pas that should be embarrassing to the guest. Forget a name? The gracious host will cover it up by casually using their name in conversation. Didn't bring anything to a dinner party? The gracious host will never mention it.

And then the most gracious of all: Don't gossip about it later."

"I miss the quality of grace so badly."

Introducing people to each other

In the digital age, we've lost some of the basics of in-person social interactions including making sure everyone present at least gets introduced to one another.

"Introductions. Including someone in a conversation. Lisa, this is my friend John. John, we were just talking about where to get the best fries. What do you think?"

"I do this with my middle schoolers! If there's a partner activity and someone doesn't have a partner, I walk them to another person or group and introduce them like they've never met. 'Hey, have you met my friend Tracy? Tracy, this is Alex. Can she join your group?'"

via GIPHY

"Yes! Also responding to greetings. I teach middle school. We just had an advisory lesson on Communication. When I explained that the purpose of manners were to help people feel comfortable, something seemed to click with some of the kids."

"I’ve been in the company of men I work with, playing in a band with them for a few years and when their wife finally comes to a gig and is standing next to them, no attempt is made to say, 'This is my wife .' I’ve realised only after the fact that was their partner! Someone who I see and hang out with multiple times in a week and then their partner is there and they never think to introduce."

Being aware of your impact on a public space

How many times have you been in a waiting room, restaurant or public transportation and had a person watching a video or taking a call on speaker phone without headphones? (To be fair, it's often the older folks engaging in this behavior, so not necessarily a generational thing.)

"Discretion. So many people have no problem talking loudly and forcing everyone within 100 feet to suffer through their conversation."

"Cell phones on speaker in public areas have led to me hearing medical details that should really be kept personal."

via GIPHY

"This new trend of having your phone on speaker in public is infuriating. Not sure it is the case but the apparent arrogance of thinking that you are so important/interesting that your need to share your every moment is breathtaking. And what about privacy? Do these people not value that?"

"Omg. I’m 51 and my aunt is 70. The last time we went to lunch (her male roommate was also there) she put her phone on speaker in the middle of the restaurant to talk loudly to the doctor about her vaginal cream for ten straight minutes. I’m now dead inside."

"Allowing kids to run around a restaurant is a pet peeve of mine - they should be taught that behavior disturbs other diners and the wait staff. I am one of 5 siblings and on the rare occasion my family went out to eat (people ate out a lot less in the ‘60s) my parents reviewed the rules before we left the house, and made sure we adhered to them once there. I remember the looks of horror on people’s faces as we paraded in single file but almost every time someone would come over and compliment my parents on our behavior. We were allowed a little slack at a place like Howard Johnson’s but knew how to behave at finer establishments. I don’t mind a child getting out of hand - I understand waiting for your food is hard - as long as the parents are doing their best to keep things under control. Child friendly should not mean child-run anarchy."

Not dropping f-bombs indiscriminately

Everyone has different feelings about swearing, but the norms of when and where have definitely loosened, both in what people say in public spaces and what people put in their yards.

"Not saying 'f__k' in public. Used to be you never heard that word in public, now it's on bumper stickers and political flags."

"Not swearing in front of others who may not share your casual approach to language or around children/older folks. BTW when I say older folks I'm talking older (not necessarily me lol!)."

via GIPHY

"I'm in a couple of online sewing/quilting groups and recently a new-ish member posted a question, it was about 3 sentences long, F-word used 3 times! in questions about sewing! I actually commented and replied I'm sorry I cannot begin to concentrate on your sewing issue because all I see is foul language. Other people also commented that it isn't necessary to use that kind of language. They edited the post."

"Clean language in the presence of children, elders and in public is gone. I'll never accept casual F bombing of everyone within earshot with your conversations."

Watching out for others in your path

Awareness of how you might be inconveniencing others as you move through space may have gone by the wayside, but maybe we can return to some of this common sense sensibility by simply looking up and around more.

"I don't know if this is strictly manners, but it's a matter of self-absorption: walking straight out into the street without pause, without waiting for cars that are very near to pass. Sometimes they're looking down at their phones. Sometimes they're just staring straight ahead.

Edit: the driver's version is not stopping when someone's standing at the crosswalk waiting to cross. Even though they've been standing there since you were 100 yards away or more."

"Or another version that I encountered at Costco yesterday, the people walking to or from their cars, straight down the middle of the driving lane. One just took her time strolling in front of me and I really wanted to rev my engine. Choose a side already!"

"And walking slowly across the street while looking at their phones."

via GIPHY

"Taking up the sidewalks and crosswalks by talking or staring at their phones when others are trying to get by. Expecting the old people to get out of THEIR way, that’s the most common frustration."

There are some other manners people mentioned, some of which might be debatable or are simply personal preferences. It's also important to recognize that disabilities, neurodiversity and cultural diversity also play a role in how people behave or interpret behavior towards others. There have always been and will always be exceptions, and sometimes altering expectations for everyone is the best way to be inclusive of everyone.

But one comment that summed up the reasoning for manners in the first place is worth pondering as we determine what to bring back and what to leave behind:

"I think what bothers me is that no one seems to understand the point of manners. I see people saying how many of them were just stupid, and maybe they are, but the point is discipline and acknowledging the people around you. It keeps us mindful and living in a sense of community and rule following, and that is dying fast. Don’t make manners pointless, even if it’s a stupid manner. Do it in a state of thoughtfulness and appreciation."




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Pop Culture

10 luxuries many people don't think of as luxuries

Lots to be thankful for here.

Photos by Lisa Fotios/Pexels and Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels

It's easy to take a lot of these things for granted.

When we think of the word luxury, we might conjure up images of mansions, high-thread-count sheets or designer handbags. We probably don't picture something as simple as walking to our kitchen to get a glass of water.

But for many people, even here in the U.S., having filtered drinking water pouring out of a spout in your home is a luxury.

Merriam-Webster defines a "luxury" as "something adding to pleasure or comfort but not absolutely necessary." Water is a necessity. Having it always available a few steps from wherever you're sitting is not. And there are many things that we think of as basics, simply because we've always had them, that others live without and would consider a luxury.

Someone on Reddit asked, "What’s a luxury that many people don’t realize is a luxury?" and the answers are making people feel grateful for things they might have taken for granted.

Drinkable water straight from the tap

Let's start with the most basic one, which isn't basic at all when you think about it.

"My graduate advisor (in the southeastern USA) taught a class on edible invertebrates, they would learn about a group of invertebrate animals each week and then eat them. The very first week he gave each student a glass of tap water and had them drink it. Then he told them that they were in a small percentage of people worldwide who could do what they just did and not have to worry about ingesting any number of critters. I TA'd that class the next year and it was pretty fun, although the pickled jellyfish was absolutely foul to me. 25 years later and I still remember that lesson."

"Exactly! Just turning on any faucet and being able to drink the water. I don’t think people realize how much of the world still has to walk somewhere to get water, and then has to make it safe to drink."

"Or the places that have tap water but still have to boil it anyways. People really don't realize how lucky they are to turn on a tap and have water they can drink without taking extra steps to not get sick or die."

Hot water on demand

The fact that we are able to adjust our water temperature to whatever we want it to be on demand? Incredible.

"I'm a plumber and we occasionally get calls on the weekend with people literally panicking because they don't have hot water. 'I have a sink full of dishes, I don't know what I'm going to do helllllp.' I think about people in other parts of the world surviving just fine without hot water, or even running water for that matter."

"Yep as a kid we didn't have a hot water heater , mom had a huge pot she would boil on the stove and then dump that in the bathtub. I think I was about 8 when at a Friend's house in town they had running hot water. It blew me away, how cool is this."

"My hot water heater stopped working today and I laughed at myself as I dramatically hyped myself up before rinsing shampoo out of my hair. I wouldn’t have made it 200 years ago…"

Good health

The often overlooked one that's probably the most important one of all.

"Most people absolutely do not appreciate the value of having good health until it gets taken away from them."

"Yeah, being able to just get on with your life without worrying about a chronic illness is definitely a luxury. Hell it's one many would trade being born in a 1st world country for."

"As someone who gets a new autoimmune disease every 7-10 years, this one is number one for me. It's changed the trajectory of everything I ever wanted to do with my life."

"I kinda hate that I took it for granted - until I got sick. Well, I was born with a genetic disorder, but it didn’t affect me (or was known about) until I was 40. Now I’m 50 and spend 90% of my days in bed. But I have had a fun and fulfilling life before that, I’m extremely grateful for that."

Laundry machines

Miraculous. (And yet we still complain about doing laundry, don't we?)

"The apartment I'm living in now has an in-unit washer AND dryer. It's amazing. I can throw a load in, no worrying about quarters or getting it switched over before someone else tries to use it. No carrying laundry baskets to the apartment basement, no one stealing my laundry or tide pods."

"Yup. I lived in a rural area of Brazil for a while. We used buckets to wash our clothes then line dried."

"Soooo true. The amount of time it saves?? You can throw a load in and leave the house. Or do another chore. Or anything you want. It’s amazing."

"The invention of the washing machine led to an average reduction in house work by women of 8 hours per week, effectively adding a full workday for women to be able to do different things. This helped to accelerate women’s rights."

Shopping for groceries without checking prices

If you've never had to take a calculator to the grocery store, consider yourself lucky.

"This is when I realized I was doing ok. When I went shopping or out to eat and never looked at or worried about the prices."

"I feel this. There were times I used to sit outside of the store and just cry, wondering how I would get enough food for the week. I used a calculator meticulously to make sure I wouldn’t be embarrassed at checkout. At times I ate nothing but sandwiches (thanks to the bread outlet!) and ramen noodles. My then-partner and I would share one grilled cheese and one can of soup for a nice weekend meal. Going out was incredibly rare. Only birthdays, really, and then we shared food. Now, I never forget those times because I am blessed enough that I can eat whatever food I want. I can afford all of the bills AND gas for my car. I can pay for car repairs instead of just hoping it works each day. I regularly help out those less fortunate and donate to the local mission, food pantry, and directly to students in need at my school. I give stuff away for free vs selling it on Marketplace. Don’t ever, ever, ever, forget how others live. It’s humbling to go through, but without the struggle we can’t fully appreciate the easier times."

"When I read this I realized this has never been a possibility for me. I don't know why it surprised me so much I guess because I'm just used to it. I can't recall even one time that I've gone to the grocery store that I didn't have to plan every penny. When I watch those weird restocking videos, I don't feel jealousy as much as horror. My brain immediately goes to how much each one of those things costs and what else they're giving up to have them. Probably because if I did that, I wouldn't have a place to live or a car."

Being able to publicly call the leader of the country an idiot with no consequences from the government

Some say free speech is not a luxury but a right. But let's not get stuck on semantics.

"This is the winner. It blows me away when I see people advocate publicly for rolling back free speech while they disparage government leaders in the same breath. The lack of awareness is insane."

"German here. Took me a while to truly grasp that. My parents always had some mean caricatures of politicians hanging on the walls.

Then I became friends with a Syrian refugee and took him to a barbecue at my parents place.

He saw a brutal caricature of Angela Merkel in the dining room and immediately pulled me to the side to ask me if this isn’t dangerous to have at home. I laughed at first till I realized he was very serious and even a little afraid that there could be consequences for him for hanging with people who openly make fun of the German government."

"This is so true. In Argentina we had a period where you'd be met with firearms if you were caught speaking badly of the government or known to be against it. Some ppl still think we were better off back then."

Open minded, loving, supportive parents

Those who have them may not realize what a huge difference good parents makes.

"This is the single most prolific factor in determining a child's success in developed countries, in my opinion. And by success, I don't just mean material success. I mean emotionally and relationally, as well as their career path.

I did a paper in college specifically about the outcomes of families with and without involved parents. The statistics are frightening. It cannot be understated how important supportive parents are for a child's development and life outcome."

"The number of people who take the good childhood they had for granted is mind-blowing."

"I still don't know what to do with this. Every time I see it, even in fiction, I realize how so many people don't know how lucky they are. I too wonder who I could have been with support and acceptance from my family. It's not easy to have to build yourself up when you weren't given the tools to do so and had to scratch it all out yourself."

8-10 hours of sleep

Ah, the bliss of a good night's sleep that you'd give an eye tooth for after you become a parent…

"Didn't even occur to me until I had my baby."

"Can’t relate to having a newborn, but insomnia is a god damn nightmare"

"I haven’t slept more than 6.5 hours a night in over almost 2 years 😩 First it was pregnancy insomnia. Then came my now-1 baby and exclusively pumping. I’m so tired y’all…"

Air conditioning

Seriously, this one is huge. If you know, you know.

"I grew up in a house without air conditioning (for the most part without even window units). I have lived in my current house for almost ten years now and the central air still feels like a 'rich people' thing."

"I honestly didn't know this, until I saw a case on The People's Court where a tenant was complaining about not having air conditioning. The judge went on to explain that AC was a luxury. I've been much more appreciative of my AC since that day."

"I reached a point in my life where I can budget for being comfortable in my own home, whether it is 110F or 10F outside. That's a nice luxury."

Air travel

Sitting in a chair above the Earth and being plopped down in another country for less than the price of a Taylor Swift concert ticket? Priceless.

"People bitch and complain about everything: the seats are too small, it costs too much, food sucks, the flight was delayed. But it's pretty amazing to pay a few hundred dollars and arrive on the other side of the country (or globe) the same day."

"100% And if you go to a random rural town you'll meet a ton of people who have never been on an airplane. I lived in the middle of nowhere in northern Michigan and when I told people I'd flown a few dozen times they looked at me like I was an alien."

"Yeah sometimes I feel like I am one of the only people left who is still amazed by the idea that you can get in an aluminum tube, fly through the air, and land in a place that a century ago would have taken days or weeks to get to."

Free time

The gift of time should never be undervalued.

"Time is the real answer. This question was asked a different way not long ago and someone wrote up a very well thought out reply about why time is the ultimate luxury. And I don't mean using that time for luxury leisure time either. Time itself is the luxury because it affords you opportunities that you otherwise would not have."

"This is my favorite luxury of them all! In my experience it requires money which is the only reason money is important to me. Money to be off work (and all the bills still get paid) but also money to enjoy that free time however I please. From a young adult I made free time my mission and I’ve been blessed to have a lot of it."

"Yes! The first time I watched Wrath of Khan, and Khan says to Kirk, 'Time is a luxury you don’t have, Admiral' my mind was blown. I had never thought of time as a luxury before, and that has always stuck with me.

I still hear Ricardo Montalban in my head when my alarm goes off in the morning and I have to get up, lol."

There are so many simple things we can consider luxuries and feel grateful for. All we have to do is imagine what life would be like without them.

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