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Mom explains the 'dishonest' Boomer parenting style that still hurts many adults today

People finally have words to describe their experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this. This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood to save face.

Psychologists define the "dishonest harmony" approach as maintaining a façade of peace and harmony at the expense of addressing underlying issues. Parents who practice disharmony prioritize appearance over authenticity and are known to avoid conflict and sweep problems under the rug.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”


@parkrosepermaculture

Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact


Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict. Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

boomer parents, parenting styles, boomer grandparents, happy boomers, retired peopleAn older woman on her laptop. via Canva/Photos

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

boomer parents, parenting styles, boomer grandparents, happy boomers, retired peopleA happy older couple. via Canva/Photos

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Democracy

Millennial shares a spot-on theory about why his generation and Gen Zers are so burned out

They're not lazy, they're exhausted.

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A woman is feeling major burnout.

Freddie Smith is a popular TikToker and host of The Freddie Smith Podcast, where he talks a lot about income inequality and finance from a down-to-earth perspective. One of Freddie’s biggest topics of focus is how the younger generations, millennials and Gen Z specifically, have it a lot harder than their Gen X and baby boomer counterparts. Recently, he described why he believes the younger generations feel so burned out: They are spinning their wheels and not getting ahead because of the rising cost of living. This counters the boomer notion that young people are entitled and lazy.

“They're working 40 hours a week, but at the end of the month, they have nothing to show for it. So if you're not making any progress and you look back five years and go, damn, I made $300,000 in the last five years or I made $400,000 in the last five years and I have nothing,” Freddie says. “If, anything, I have $25,000 in debt, that's gonna create burnout cause you feel like you just put in 5 years of work and have nothing to show for it.”

@fmsmith319

Why Millennials and Gen Z are facing burnout

Freddie adds that the younger generation's inability to get ahead leaves them constantly strained. They are stuck in apartments and can’t grow their families, or if they do, they don’t have the same quality of life that they were raised with.

“It's the 30% increase in rent prices where people are spending 40% of their money on rent, you're still being taxed 20, 25, 30%. People just don't have any money,” Freddie adds. “People aren't having kids, and they're unable to start families. People are struggling financially, fighting financially, and suffering in relationships. This is all decline in living standards.”

stressed woman, stressed millennial, financial stress, burnout, gen z stress, young womanA young woman is stressed about her future.via Canva/Photos

Feddie’s numbers are backed up by research, and the biggest significant issue that younger generations face is the price of home ownership. Adjusted for inflation, in 1985, the average home cost $96,985 in today's money. However, the average price of a home today is a whopping $426,100. Rent is a little better, but still tough. The average rent in 1985 cost $1,031 in today’s dollars; in 2023, the average rent is $1,406.

In a video published in November 2024, Freddie did the opposite and shared five reasons baby boomers had it much easier than millennials and Gen Zers.

  1. You could buy a house for 30 to fifty thousand dollars
  2. Union jobs were more prevalent
  3. College actually worked
  4. Social Security was actually strong
  5. The invention of 401(k)s
@fmsmith319

Why Millennials and Gen Z have it harder today compared to boomers

“The boomers always come at us and say ‘Why are you saying it was easy I was living paycheck to paycheck. You don't realize how hard it was.’ Look at all the advantages you had and how hard it still was,” Freddie says. “Think about the kids today, they cannot buy a house, union jobs aren't available, college is completely out of whack. They're spending 80 grand to get a job for $50,000. It's backwards.”

Freddie makes a strong case for millennial and Gen Z burnout. Because, face it, there’s nothing more exhausting than grinding away at something and not moving an inch. At the same time, things only become harder. Rent goes up. A carton of eggs is $8; if you are fortunate to have money in a 401k, it no longer feels safe. “Humans are good at adapting,” Freddie concludes his video. “But there's a fine line between adapting and being taken advantage of. And I think we're being taken advantage of.”

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Modern Families

Millenials share their boomer parents’ 15 quirky (and frustrating) habits they just don't get

"They act jealous of us traveling but refuse to go anywhere."

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Boomer parents who don't like to travel, but say they do.

When it comes to intergenerational conflict, you never hear too much about Gen Z having a hard time with Generation X or the silent generation having beef with the baby boomers. However, there seems to be some problem where baby boomers and millennials just can’t get on the same page.

Maybe it’s because millennials were raised during the technological revolution and have to help their boomer parents log into Netflix. There’s also a political divide: Millennials are a reliable liberal voting bloc, whereas boomers are the target demographic for Fox News. Both generations also have differing views on parenting, with boomers favoring an authoritative style over the millennials' gentler approach.

A Redditor asked Xennials, older millennials, and younger Gen Xers born between 1977 and 1983 to share some quirks of their boomer parents, and they created a fun list of habits that can be both endearing and frustrating. The users shared that millennials are frustrated with their parents' abilities to use technology but are touched when they send them a greeting card.



Of course, it is reductive to reduce generations into a series of stereotypes, whether it’s millennials or baby boomers. But, for many, hearing that they aren’t the only person who gets frustrated with their boomer parents can be pretty cathartic and make them feel less alone.

Here are 15 boomer parent quirks that Millenials just don’t understand.

1. They save everything

"They save EVERYTHING (containers, jars, boxes, etc.) just in case they might be able to use it for something later. I feel like this habit was handed down from our grandparents' Great Depression upbringing."

"Absolutely! Shopping bags, empty yogurt containers, boxes that some product came in…..although I love me a 'good box!' I have all my iPhone boxes for no reason."


person using laptop attach to vehicle near green leaf plant during daytime Photo by Brina Blum on Unsplash

2. Scary texts

"Will text something foreboding like 'we need to talk;' then turns out she forgot a recipe."

"My dad will text me 'You need to call me right now' when it’s nothing. And not tell me major life events until well after the fact. Like my aunt had a heart attack and I found out a week later from her son. (And my dad did know.)"



3. Stranger death toll

"My mom is ALWAYS telling me about dead people I’ve never met. I really do not care. I know that sounds awful, but I don’t have it in me to be sad for everyone on the planet when they pass."

“You remember my friend Carol? Her aunt had that above-ground swimming pool in her backyard. We swam in it a couple times one summer when you were about 9. Anyway, Carol’s mom just lost her brother-in-law. They were very close. Thought you’d want to know.”

4. They don't travel

"They act jealous of us traveling but refuse to go anywhere."

"Ooh good one. Mine act jealous of anything we do/buy that they can't solely because they can't get out of their own way and actually make things happen."


man and woman sitting on blue sofa Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

5. They print everything

"My Boomer FIL prints out EVERYTHING from his computer. I understand printing out instructions or recipes to help remember but do you really need a file cabinet full of forwarded emails from friends and sale adverts from 5 years ago? Oh well, at least he keeps it organized. Also, both TVs in the house run 24/7 playing reruns of 'CSI: Who Gives a Sh*t Anymore?'"

"I'm not on Facebook, but my dad is. Last year, he made a celebratory post on my birthday and all his church friends liked and commented on it. He printed up the post and all of the comments, stapled it into a little book, and MAILED me the printed Facebook comments..."



6. 'From, dad' texts

"My dad sends text messages with, 'From, Dad' at the end of them. It cracks me up every time. He also states who he is every time he calls me."

7. Irrational fears

"One quirk my dad had was that he was deathly afraid of the house burning down. Not from the standpoint of the danger of fire but when he was growing up, if your house burnt down, you were basically homeless and destitute. My mom is much more level headed about it. She always told my dad, that is why we have homeowners insurance."


A man in a hard hat inspects an electrical boxman in brown and white plaid dress shirt and yellow hard hat holding black and orange Photo by Emmanuel Ikwuegbu on Unsplash

8. Expired food

"My mother-in-law doesn't throw out expired food. She has food in her pantry that is several years past their expiration dates. Same with condiments in her fridge. You just can't trust any of the food she has on hand because more than likely than not it's way expired. When we have brought this up, that she needs to throw some stuff out, she insists it's absolutely fine. It's not. "

"My grandmother is the same way. Once, she opened her refrigerator, and there was a jar of pickles with mold floating on the surface of the liquid. I pointed it out, and she said it was still good. She would just scoop the mold out at a later time. She has an incredibly strong stomach and immune system."



9. Smartphone addiction

"You always hear a kids 'these kids always on their damn phones.' But when it comes to phone addiction, boomers are far worse."

"My mom drives five hours to see us, then spends the whole time texting people from her church or looking at Facebook."

"I once sat in their living room for over an hour before they decided to put their phones down and speak to me, only to phub me and pick them right back up."

10. Rigid gender roles

"My dad still clings to the traditional division of 'men's/women's work.' He'll fix a car, do any outside work, clean out a clogged drain. Cooking? If it's any more complicated than making coffee or calling in a pizza, he can't/won't. I don't think he even grills anymore. Laundry? Hell no. Taking care of small children? He'll play with them but that's it."


A man stands over an open hood of a green carman in blue top fixing green car during daytime Photo by Elvis Bekmanis on Unsplash

11. The TV is constantly on

"In-laws leave the TV on for all waking hours. And FIL gets irritated if someone talks over the episode of MASH or Walker, Texas Ranger, that he's already seen 50 times. Like clenching his teeth and stomping the floor."

"TV on 24/7. Constantly flipping between some version of Law and Order, HGTV, and Guy Fieri. Asking me 'did you see that commercial where…' No mom. I don’t have cable. I don’t see commercials. All of the time."



12. They are always right

"My dad...he's has to be right about everything and doesn't know what to do if you beat him to the point on something. He once was giving me a recipe that required cinnamon, cardamon, and clove and told me just to use Pumpkin Pie Spice! It's the greatest thing! 'Dad, I don't need to. I have all those spices on hand (I bake)' But...no! You have to use this. 'No, I don't. I don't need to buy something that I already have" It happens all the time."

"My parents are always right and they are not impressed about anything."

13. Obsessed with the weather

"Yes, my dad should have been a meteorologist. He used to have a weather alert radio that would sound off in the middle of the night and he would watch the weather channel constantly. We all had to quiet down when your local weather forecast on the 8's came on. He gets really excited about severe weather like when we might get thunderstorms or a tornado."


Three people with umbrellas walk in the rainselective color photography of three person holding umbrellas under the rain Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

14. One more thing

"Without fail, every time I'm leaving my mother's house and backing down the driveway, she comes back out of her house and stops me to say something else, even though we'd just spoken."

15. Mail stress

"My mom has an anxiety attack during the entire journey of a package or piece of mail she dispatched to me. No, she doesn’t know how to track. She will not rest until she knows that a package has arrived or a nominal check has been cashed. She calls when she is thinking about sending something, when she sent it, when it’s en route, and when it’s expected to arrive. God forbid it’s late. And if I don’t issue a prompt thank you, she will guilt me."

This story originally appeared in January.
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Pop Culture

Boomers and Gen Xers share things they grew up with that they wish young people could experience

"The satisfaction that comes with slamming down a landline phone receiver."

Photo by Muhammed Aktürk/Pexels

Kids used to wander and play unsupervised outside for hours.

Those of us who grew up in the age before the internet have memories that today's young people will likely never have. Boomer and Gen X childhoods were simpler in many ways, not having access to endless entertainment or the pitfalls of the online world to contend with on a daily basis.

The internet has arguably made human life better in many ways, but it has also fundamentally changed what growing up looks like. Where the older generations had a handful of TV shows at set times on limited channels, younger folks can binge watch streaming shows and YouTube channels 24/7. Boomers used manual typewriters while millennials had laptops. Gen X carried Walkmans while Gen Z carries smartphones.

And that's just technology. The world has changed in other ways, too, including greater safety awareness that's changed the way people parent and kids having less access to untouched nature. Change isn't inherently good or bad, but there are definitely some nostalgic elements of boomer and Gen X upbringings that those older generations wish today's young people could enjoy.

Here are some top answers to the question, "What is something you grew up with that you wish younger generations to experience?" from people born before 1980 on Reddit.

Being unreachable

"The freedom to be unreachable and unaware of what everyone on earth is doing at any given time, meaning ... life pre-iphone and pre-social media."

"Pre CELL phone. Pre pager. (I mean, I know early cell phones were around but virtually no one had them pre-1993 and certainly no one expected or even considered them except high paid business folk)."

"Yes, I came here to say anonymity but being unreachable was so nice."

"I remember leaving my phone home and not thinking anything of it. Now it’s not even ‘optional’. Phone is firmly a part of the ‘keys, wallet’ checklist before leaving the house."

"Yes, having people be able to reach out to you 24/7 is not a good thing."

Unrestricted, unsupervised outside exploration

"Running wild outside in the country for entire day without even considering anything that could go wrong."

"We used to just run around the woods by my friends house, and had tree forts and rode bikes around to the neighborhood kids houses. No concept of time outside of sunset. I think that might get lost in the shuffle more today."

"This would be mine as well. Hop on your bike with a friend or two and head out. Maybe to the creek or the woods or the dime store downtown. Just an amazing aimless wandering with no fear of being accosted by anyone. A quick ten cent phone call home to let mom know where you were. Just be home for dinner. Our era had the best childhood ever."

"This is true. I would wander for miles. But the thing is, looking back I can now see more than a handful of incidents that I was very lucky to escape by the skin of my teeth. I’m talking about hitchhiking or telling my parents I was sleeping over someone’s house, them telling their parents they were sleeping at mine and then staying out all night. Stuff like that. It was fun- good times but when I think of MY kid or grandkids doing the same thing I want to throw up."

The joy of wonder without answers

"Wonder. Sometimes we would just wonder about something. Watching a movie with friends. Someone says 'I wonder if William Holden is still alive?' Everybody would shrug and say 'I don’t know' and you go on with your lives."

"Something humbling and wonderful about not knowing. Now with so much knowledge literally in our hands, we have this anxious 'need to know' everything. And everyone has become a Tik Tok expert."

"Or allowing mysterious, wondrous stuff exist without explanations that are instantly available to remove the sense of awe about how odd, crazy, wonderful, talented, insane, or whatever our world can be."

"The world was more of a mystery back then. That has both its upsides and downsides, but I can't help but feel that some of the wonder has dissipated."

The gift of boredom

"Boredom. Boredom breeds creativity. Boredom has been removed from their lives."

"The skills you gain from the experience of being bored, every now and then. Principally, how you can develop that inner voice, which has been my friend on many occasions and saved my bacon many more. If you always rely on external sources for information or support you’ll surely get stuck when things go wrong or you have to make a decision quickly."

"Boredom leads to reading plus learning to play instruments."

"While I’m happy my kids made friends online the desperation of boredom and creating your own things was really important for me."

"Boredom. The number of times I whined to my parents I was bored and their answer was just 'then go find something to do' led to all kinds of fun."

The freedom to make mistakes

"Being able to make a mistake without it going viral online."

"Experiencing awkward coming of age scenarios without being documented in a server farm somewhere with world wide access."

"I'm sorry kids don't have the chance to make mistakes and correct them without it being memorialized online to follow them forever."

"Being able to break things and make mistakes... the cost is way too high now."

Tactile pleasures

"The satisfaction that comes with slamming down a landline phone receiver."

"Encyclopedias."

"Paper maps. I’d love to see someone in this day and age successfully use (and fold back to its original form) a paper map."

"Reading a book instead of playing video games (most useless invention possible). I'm actually old enough to remember no TV in the house and no radio either (my parents read newspapers and magazines instead for their news but it's a much slower feed and more local)."

"The thrill of buying a vinyl album. I know you can still do that, but it just doesn't seem the same. Back in the '60s and '70s they were absolute TREASURES."

"Sleeping on sheets that had been dried out on a clothesline in spring. The scent on those sheets was intoxicating."

Travel feeling more adventurous

"Going on a road trip with your friends to somewhere you've never been, navigating your way there with a road atlas, and then exploring it without consulting any online reviews or suggestions from Google Maps."

"Experience world travel the way it used to be. There was a time when traveling to another country was a big deal and it was adventurous.

Now, we can buy a last minute ticket on a flash sale, read about the destination on the way to the airport, watch Hollywood movies on the plane, rent a car from a familiar brand, stay at a known hotel chain, eat familiar food and use your GPS to guide you around while you chat in real time with your friends.

Travel is still fun but the magic and romance are mostly gone. That feeling of being far away and completely submerged in a strange culture almost doesn't exist anymore. It's too easy and homogenized now."

"So true. Even back in the early 2000s I remember being on a bus in South America with an American 19 year old who was really captivated by the idea that I travelled in the 1970s "before email." You had to wait two weeks to receive any kind of letter at the General Delivery post office of whatever country you were in. There was so much freedom in that, and a real submersion into the local culture, an ability to let go of your cultural touchstones and become someone new."

"The old way of traveling meant there was a lot of serendipity happening. You’d head to some town you knew nothing about and get chatting with someone on the bus who would then invite you to stay at their house. They would feed you and show you around, help you navigate whatever you needed to head on your way. A lovely way to meet people and learn about nearby treasures to see that you knew nothing about. Now , everything can be researched and plotted out beforehand. I still travel in an unplanned way, with no agenda, no lodgings figured out, but when I mention it, other people shudder and say their anxiety wouldn’t allow it. Did we not have anxiety in the old days? Yes, we did, but it was all part of taking risks in life."

There's a lot that's better, easier, faster and more convenient about life in the 21st century, but there really was something special about growing up in the pre-internet days, wasn't there?


This article originally appeared last year.

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