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Men's Health

Men share the best 'unmanly' things they do that make them feel good

Men are beautifully complex.

Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

There is nothing unmanly about taking a bubble bath.

As society rethinks and reshapes the use of gender roles, both sexes (and everywhere in-between) are finding more opportunities to explore previously repressed aspects of themselves. It often feels like the Wild West of gender identity—an exciting new time to break through tired paradigms in search for something that is a better fit. We can see this on both a macro and micro scale, from something as widespread as more countries legalizing same sex marriage to something as simple as a man rocking a pencil skirt and heels. Each are radical in their own way.

A Reddit user asked men to name some “unmanly” things they did that they weren’t ashamed of. Their answers, though fun to read, also have an interesting through line, one of embracing sensitivity. Or, rather, their femininity. From self-care, to arts and crafts, to crying during Disney movies, each of these activities challenges the long accepted—and often problematic—belief of what makes a man a "man."

Psychology Today contributor Tyger Latham, Psy.D. writes that “Most of us immediately identify with the adage that to be a man often means: being tough, staying in control, never crying, working through physical pain, providing for your family, and never backing down from a fight. While such roles provide men with an operational model in which to exist, they can also be extremely restrictive.” He even described a condition known as alexithymia, quite literally meaning “without words for emotions,” that many male clients encounter while trying to express what’s happening on the inside.

But what if the pursuit of happiness includes the pursuit of wholeness? Some would argue that the latter is more important altogether. Men—and women, for that matter—should be able to go fishing, knit while they wait on the pond, come home and throw on an exfoliating face mask while watching a rom-com. So yes, while these answers do serve as a lighthearted digital romp through the internet, they are also symbols of small, yet significant victories.

Without further ado, here are 18 “unmanly” things that are good for the soul, no matter the gender:

1. Sewing

“I think it is helpful for spatial reasoning, attention to detail, and creativity. It is basically construction out of a very thin, flexible material that requires the builder to create the object inside-out."

2. Bubble baths

“I don't take baths much but if I do you best believe there's gonna be bubbles galore in that bath.”

“Bath bombs rule, my favorite one turns the water black and sparkly and smells like peppermint.”

3. Cute voices for animals

“In high school there was a video shown in class, and when puppies came on screen I yelled 'PUPPIES!' in a ridiculous falsetto. I still have that reaction regularly when I see puppies.”

“I do this with puppies...kittens...cats...any cute animal…”

4. Prioritizing fashion … to the point of indecision

“There are literally a few minutes where I am stressed out wondering 'I wore that a few days ago; this is too similar to what I wore yesterday' and so on. This is mostly when getting ready for work, which is business casual. I have a dozen or so button-down shirts, but I still can't make up my damn mind.”

5. A love of all things hygge

“I love fuzzy socks, fuzzy blankets, fuzzy anything.”

“I love blankets. My birthday, Christmas, valentines day; just give me more blankets. Let me make a cave of blankets and hibernate straight through until spring.”

hyygesocks GIFGiphy

6. A fondness for stuffed animals

“I sleep with two stuffed animals. It would be three, but Pete the polar bear is now with my girlfriend in the Netherlands.”

“I still sleep with a teddy bear I got when I was 4. I'm 30 now. I hope to give it to my daughter when she is born/old enough.”

7. Checking out other guys

"I can tell when a guy is attractive, I have no sexual desire for dudes but I can tell if I find one good looking, i'd even go as far to say I have a type."

8. Enjoying domestic chores

"I love looking doing things for my wife...coffee and breakfast in bed everyday, I wash up, I pack her a lunch to take to work everyday, spoil her with little surprises a few times a month etc. Turns out my friends and my father all think I am whipped. They think she has me under her thumb. I guess they don't know that we split house chores in a number of ways but I chose to do extra things as I have some extra time since I don't have to commute - it feels fair to me.They also don't understand that when I lost my job my wife encouraged me to do my own thing and that she supported both of us for a long time to allow me to follow my dream. In short, my mates and father just don't understand or want to be with a woman who is a partner and equal in the relationship.”

9. Being the little spoon

"I'm nearly a foot taller than my girlfriend, but if we're cuddling in bed I like to be the little spoon, it's hilarious and comfy."

"I once was sitting on the floor and my girlfriend at the time was sitting on the couch giving me a back rub. She eventually wrapped her arms around me from behind and asked how it felt. 'Like this room is the only thing in the entire world.'"

“Sleeping as the little spoon is really nice because it makes you feel needed on a physical level which is really comforting."

10. Crying

“Personally, I think that it takes a lot more bravery to open yourself up to something special, such as love for a pet, than to keep everything around you at arms length to numb your own sensitivity (or vulnerability if you will) to anything. You display a willingness to express yourself, knowing full well that it could get you hurt, and then bear any resulting pain, ultimately overcoming it. What the hell could be more manly?”

“I will cry at any movie where a dog dies. Every, Single. Time. A Dog’s Purpose was a very unpleasant movie for me.”
men showing emotionsCry GIF by MasterChefAUGiphy

11. Gardening

“It’s great being able to grow things from just seeds."

12. Therapy

“Everyone needs a little bit of therapy. Even if you’re perfectly fine, everyone needs someone to talk to.”

13. Sharing feelings with the kids

"Hugging my kids, apologizing to them when I’m wrong ('sorry I accused you of making a mess outside, I just learned it was the neighbors’ kid'), and showing them it’s okay to have and express feelings. Yes, daddy can get teary eyed too when watching a sad movie. Also as an extension of apologizing for having done wrong, being able to back down. When in an argument and find out you’re wrong, it’s not weak to say 'I didn’t know that. Sorry, I was wrong.'”

14. Complimenting guy friends

"A lot of people feel it's not manly to do so but I think it's important and it feels great having a group of guys that doesn’t just bash each other all the time."

15. Interior decorating

“I spend a ridiculous amount of time looking up furniture/wall art/etc. just fantasizing about how I'm going to decorate it when I finally get my own place.”

16. Baking

“I just donned a pink apron with strawberries on it to help my girlfriend make a pie. Her family razzed me about it... but hey, no pie for them.”

“I bake and listen to Adele. Sometimes at the same time.”

17. Afternoon tea

“I don't care who you are. You haven't lived until you've eaten tiny cucumber sandwiches and scones off a three-story silver party platter.”

18. Self-care

self care for menChristian Bale Face Mask GIF by PeacockTVGiphy

“Manicures and pedicures, obviously no nail polish, but my hands and feet are usually a horrendous pile of dead skin and callouses from working out and my job. It makes me feel a little better about people seeing them, they don’t get all of them, but it definitely makes them look closer to normal.”

“I love doing a facial cleanse, tone and moisturize, makes your face feel awesome."

“I go full-on Bateman. Have multiple face masks, skin creams and hair products. Started as a way to bond with my sisters, ended up being something that centers me in the mornings and a comforting ritual a couple of times a night.”


This article originally appeared on 3.2.22

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I didn’t understand male privilege until I became a stay-at-home dad

When my wife returned to work after parental leave, I took my first trip to the grocery with two kids.

Little did I know I would return home feeling like a hero.

On a Monday morning, I pushed the green cart with flame decals through the second set of sliding doors and toward the deli. My 3-year-old son was strapped in the seat and my 3-month-old son was wrapped against my chest.

As a stay-a-home father strolling through the grocery, I felt conflicting emotions — love for caring for my sons and frustration with being an unemployed 37-year-old man.

At the deli, I exchanged pleasantries with a young woman behind the counter and ordered a pound of sliced turkey breast. I was immediately surrounded by a group of female employees. They leaned close to admire my infant son as he raised his bald head from the green cloth wrap.

“I never could get mine to like the wrap," one said.

“I bet y'all have so much fun together," another said.

“You are the best dad ever," another said.

I swelled with pride. Maybe they're right! Maybe I am the best dad ever.

I soaked in the praise before tossing my sliced turkey into the cart and heading toward the produce.

As I strolled, more comments came from fellow shoppers, and I absorbed them, giving little thought to the reason why I merited heightened attention.

“Nice baby wearing," a young woman said.

“That is one way to keep 'em warm," an elderly woman said.

“Man, you are taking this dad thing to the next level," a bag boy at checkout said.

The series of verbal high-fives inflated my ego and, after receiving the receipt from the cashier, I smiled and pushed our flaming green cart through the sliding doors like a rock star walking offstage.

I had no clue I was benefiting from male privilege.

I enjoy the attention I receive as a stay-at-home dad; it's nice to have impressed eyes turned on me.

My rationale for basking in the compliments is that I spend most of my time wading through dirty diapers, spit-up, and spilled Cheerios. I deserve some praise, right?

I thought so, until one Sunday morning I sipped coffee and read an article (a rare kids-free moment in the kitchen) about faux male feminists. The article included comments from Tal Peretz, a sociology professor at Auburn University, who described a concept called “the pedestal effect."

As I read, my male privilege became uncomfortably visible. The pedestal effect refers to when men receive undeserved praise, attention, and rewards for performing work traditionally done by women, like carrying a baby in a wrap.

At the grocery store, I willingly stepped on the pedestal and used my privilege to gain attention for basic child care.

And as I reflected on Peretz's words, other pedestal moments flashed in my mind. This realization was not something I could ignore.

If you believe in gender equality, it is not hard to understand why it is problematic to place one gender on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum, while another bears the bulk of the child care. Not only is it unfair, but it's also not in the best interests of families and can place stress on them when parenting roles are unbalanced.

For men who value gender equality and healthy families, assisting in lowering the pedestal is imperative.

After reading Peretz's comments, I wrestled with how to respond and, hopefully, how to help other dads become more aware of this privilege. I reached out to him to discuss the pedestal effect, and he offered practical ways to counter male privilege.

He reminded me of the complexity of privilege and how it operates on different levels — individual, interpersonal, institutional and structural.

We cannot dismantle institutions and structures by ourselves, but we can start with naming our privilege and giving credit to women wherever it is due.

Naming our privilege through raising awareness is a good place to begin, because men have been socialized to interact with women in particular ways, and it can be difficult for us to see how we are perpetuating gender inequality.

Peretz recommends using resources such as privilege checklists to identify your advantages. These resources can help us move unconscious thoughts and behaviors into the light of awareness. Ideally, this work will lead to interpersonal change.

Men can make the effort to closely listen to women to understand how they perceive male privilege. And, most importantly, we need to believe women.

Maybe you remain skeptical that a pedestal effect exists for fathers. Ask a mother whether she believes fathers benefit from undeserved praise. Her answer might surprise you. Men get attention and praise for doing work women do every day.

Raising awareness and listening are important steps, but I also wanted to know how to best respond when given undeserved attention.

Peretz recommends reacting “with humility and a sense of humor," while bringing attention and awareness back to the work women have been doing for a long time.

For example, at the deli, I could have redirected the conversation. I could've used one of these playful responses suggested by Peretz: “Yeah, I'm really glad that my wife did all the heavy lifting of pregnancy and childbirth so I'd get to enjoy this little monster," or “I really appreciate that, but it's nothing my mom didn't have to do for me!"

I want to do a better job of stepping off the pedestal and challenging sexist beliefs about parenting.

I want to better align myself with the women who have been doing this work for generations and assist them in creating more balanced roles within families. And I want to share the most important lesson I've learned while reflecting on this issue, which is that not only should I do this work because it is the right thing to do, but also because I need it.

Men need to be liberated from the rigid forms of masculinity that create a pedestal in the first place. Only when we step off them can we hope to be free.

This story originally appeared in the On Parenting section of The Washington Post and is reprinted here with permission.

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2 stories by the same writer highlight how differently we view talented men and women.

We've really got to stop doubting women's talents — for the sake of us all.

When news broke that Cathy Yan was tapped to direct the upcoming "Suicide Squad" spin-off "Birds of Prey," a lot of people were pretty excited.

Deadline's Mike Fleming Jr. was first to report that Yan, whose only other feature-length credit was directing the small-budget darling of Sundance "Dead Pigs," would take the helm of the film fronted by Margot Robbie.

Yan will become the first Asian woman to direct a big-budget superhero movie and the third female director in the DC Extended Universe alongside Patty Jenkins ("Wonder Woman") and Ava DuVernay ("New Gods"). Given the less-than-pleasant reviews of director David Ayers' "Suicide Squad" (currently sitting at an abysmal 27% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes), Yan's hire could be the key to saving the franchise.

Jen Yamato of the Los Angeles Times called the hire "a major milestone for women and directors of color in Hollywood, where studio directors remain largely white and male."

[rebelmouse-image 19346867 dam="1" original_size="750x509" caption="Yan attends the "Dead Pigs" premiere at the 2018 Sundance Film Festival. Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images." expand=1]Yan attends the "Dead Pigs" premiere at the 2018 Sundance Film Festival. Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images.

Meanwhile, Fleming framed Yan's hire as a pretty big risk.

On its own, of course, that's not really a problem. Let's be real: Handing over the keys of a franchise to a relatively inexperienced director is taking a pretty big risk. Tens of millions of dollars ride on these types of decisions. Here's what Fleming had to say (emphasis added):

"This is a bold bet for Warner Bros’ Geoff Johns and Walter Hamada, who oversee DC under Toby Emmerich. Yan got the job over numerous well established male directors, and because she is taking this giant leap with just one small-budget indie movie under her belt. That would be 'Dead Pigs,' a film that won the World Cinema Dramatic Award For Ensemble Acting at Sundance last January. Despite being a new talent, Yan’s presentation for 'Birds of Prey' was exceptional, and Robbie held firm to her desire for this film to be directed by a woman."

[rebelmouse-image 19346868 dam="1" original_size="750x442" caption="Margot Robbie will reprise her role as Harley Quinn in the upcoming "Birds of Prey" film. Photo by Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images for Samsung." expand=1]Margot Robbie will reprise her role as Harley Quinn in the upcoming "Birds of Prey" film. Photo by Ilya S. Savenok/Getty Images for Samsung.

If you compare how the same writer at the same outlet described decisions to hire similarly inexperienced white men, however, there's a clear contrast.

Following the publication of the Yan announcement, TV writer Nancy Kiu called attention to Fleming's 2013 post on Deadline about Colin Trevorrow taking on "Jurassic World."

Here's an excerpt from that piece (again, emphasis added):

"Trevorrow made his jump to features on 'Safety Not Guaranteed,' which FilmDistrict acquired and released and which grossed $4 million. He’s making a humungous step up in every way by joining a franchise which, in three films, has grossed nearly $2 billion worldwide, with Universal preparing a theatrical rerelease of the first film in 3D on April 5.

Why Trevorrow? He met with the studio and filmmakers, and they felt he was a good match for the material, having grown up a huge fan of the trilogy and part of a new generation of directors steeped in all things dinosaur. They felt he would preserve and protect the characters in the story they created."

In other words, Trevorrow was celebrated for his personal accomplishment while a lot of hedging and second-guessing was applied to Yan.

As a culture, we have a tendency to second-guess women and people of color.

And we do this in ways we wouldn't second-guess white men — even when it's not intentional.

To be clear, Fleming and Deadline certainly aren't the only offenders. When "Wonder Woman" was about to be released, The Hollywood Reporter drew the ire of many over an article and tweet that referred to the hire of Patty Jenkins as a "gamble."

In hindsight, the concern seems pretty silly as "Wonder Woman" took in more than $820 million worldwide and accumulating some major critical praise.

This goes way beyond just how we write about movies. In fact, its effects are felt in just about everything we do.

A shocking and saddening 2017 study found that girls as young as age 6 had come to believe that women can't be brilliant. The researchers concluded that gendered stereotypes played a big role in girls' self-doubt.

"These stereotypes discourage women's pursuit of many prestigious careers; that is, women are underrepresented in fields whose members cherish brilliance," the study's authors wrote.

[rebelmouse-image 19346869 dam="1" original_size="750x523" caption="Yan introduces her film "Dead Pigs" at the 2018 Sundance Film Festival. Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images." expand=1]Yan introduces her film "Dead Pigs" at the 2018 Sundance Film Festival. Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images.

That effect happens at the larger cultural level, but luckily, there's something we can do about it — focus. Focusing on which words we choose, whether we're expressing doubt (and doing so fairly) and why we might describe one person's career move as a "leap forward" versus a "gamble. However that applies in our individual lives with our colleagues, parents, or friends, we can all be more conscious about the powerful words we use.

Upworthy has reached out to Deadline writer Mike Fleming Jr. and will update if a response is received.

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This man is helping end toxic masculinity one kitten lunchbox at a time.

Cats are the undisputed rulers of the internet.

And because recent research suggests that our feline friends would murder us all if they weren't so small, it's probably best that we continue appeasing them by purchasing shirts, mugs, and all other manner of cat-branded accoutrements to continue showing our undying fealty to these juggernauts of the animal kingdom.

There's one problem, though: Despite the fact that cats are metal AF, they're somehow still seen as animals "only girls like."

Ridiculous, right? One man certainly thought so. And he's doing something about it.

In an April 2 Facebook post that's gone viral, David Pendragon told a story that's both heartbreaking and uplifting.

It involves his cousin's 10-year-old son, who was bullied for bringing a dope-ass lunchbox covered in a violently hued array of kittens to school.

From Pendragon's post:

"My cousin, Emily, has a 10 year old son named Ryker. Ryker, who loves cats, was very excited to get his new lunchbox. Unfortunately because of its colors, or because it has cats, or both he was teased about it by other boys in his class. He even wanted to stop taking his lunch so he wouldn't be teased about it any longer."

How messed up is that? Spoiler alert: very.

Of all the everyday disappointments of being a kid, I can think of nothing sadder than being told you shouldn't enjoy something just because it's "girly."

My cousin, Emily, has a 10 year old son named Ryker. Ryker, who loves cats, was very excited to get his new lunchbox....

Posted by David Pendragon on Monday, April 2, 2018

What's wrong with being "girly"? Absolutely nothing.

But it's that kind of thinking that can trap boys in patterns of toxic masculinity (via harmful messages like "men don't show emotions," "men don't cry," and "men should reject anything that's considered to be feminine") and demean women.

And yet, as a society, we continue to perpetuate this idea for no other reason than "that's the way it's always been."

But it hasn't.

Did you know that pink used to be a "boy" color?

A quick bit of history: It wasn't until the 1940s that blue became synonymous with boys. In fact, for a long time, Smithsonian.com notes, boys would wear white dresses and have long hair until the age of 6 or 7. This was seen as gender neutral. When colors came into the picture, pink was initially seen as the most "masculine" option.

In 1918, pink was prescribed for boys due to it being a "more decided and stronger color," having been derived from the bold color red. For girls? The "delicate and dainty" blue.

But it got even more complicated, with shifting trends suggesting that blue and pink weren't about gender at all, but about babies' coloring. Have a blond kid? Wrap 'em up in blue. Your baby's first hairs showing up a dark auburn? Swaddle 'em in pink.

In 1927, Smithsonian.com adds, Time magazine published an article informing parents which colors were "appropriate" based on sales at top department stores. The color for boys? Pink.

So, what changed? Manufacturers interpreted these changing customer preferences and switched things up. Generations since have been passing down the idea that boys and girls have specific, gender-prescribed color preferences.

And sometimes, when these views are challenged, moral panic ensues.

Remember what happened when Target decided to go gender neutral for in-store signs advertising kids' clothes and toys? Or the much-to-do that occurred when a father bought his daughter a "Little Mermaid" doll? (That kid's got good taste, by the way. Ariel's the undisputed best of all the Disney princesses.)

Forcing kids into gender roles at a young age is harmful.

As Cassandra Stone points out on Scary Mommy, making kids choose what they like based on how their genitalia looked at birth is breaking their spirits and setting them on a path of self-denial.

Why shouldn't a girl love monster trucks? And why shouldn't a boy love kittens? Or dresses? There really isn't any reason except a desperate clinging to archaic thinking. (Check out FDR rocking a white dress and long hair in 1884. He grew up to be president.)

And isn't that what we should really be focusing on — making the world a safer place for everyone to express themselves? It's more important to make sure that all kids learn it's OK to be themselves.

Pendragon agrees. That's why he's stepping up for his cousin in the best way possible.

"So I have ordered the same lunchbox for myself and proudly carried it to work today at my large, conservative, corporate workplace," he wrote. "I've told anyone who asked the story behind my lunchbox and ... they all stand with Ryker too."

"There's no one way to be a man," he added. "Men can be colorful. Men can be expressive. Men can be emotional and silly and gleeful."

Most importantly? Men (and boys) can step up for others to end the notion that we can't like what we like and feel what we feel. It's up to us to encourage each other to just be ourselves.

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