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gaslighting

Health

Feel like someone's gaslighting you? A 3-minute test can help you determine if they are.

Gaslighting is designed to confuse, and the signs aren't always super clear.

Photo by cottonbro studio/Pexels

Gaslighting can leave you feeling confused and unsure of yourself.

The term "gaslighting" has become a popular, everyday term, but there's still some confusion about what it means. Part of the reason is that the word has been misused so many times that the definition has become fuzzier. But another reason is the gaslighting itself is confusing for the person on the receiving end. Even if you know what gaslighting is, it's not always clear that's it's happening to you.

Briefly, gaslighting is a manipulation technique in which someone purposefully and maliciously makes someone question their reality. Abusers and narcissists will often use gaslighting to wear down their victims' sense of self and as a means of establishing and maintaining control over them.

In a relationship, gaslighting can look like denying that something happened and telling the person they're crazy for how they're remembering it. It can look like flat-out lying about something the victim knows for sure to be true. It can look like invalidating someone's feelings and telling them they're overreacting. It can look like being cruel and then claiming it was just a joke or making the victim believe they're at fault for something the perpetrator did.

Sometimes people use gaslighting to describe basic disagreements or arguing from different perspectives, like simply saying, "That's not what happened," or "That's not how I remember it," but gaslighting is intentional in its impact on the victim. People can have different memories of how something happened and disagree vehemently, but if a person isn't purposely trying to alter someone's sense of reality, it's not gaslighting. Similarly, telling someone to calm down and not take things personally may not be a sensitive way to respond to a person who's upset, but it doesn't automatically equate to gaslighting, either. Gaslighting requires a malicious intent to manipulate and control.

As Dr. Robin Stern, author of the book "The Gaslight Effect" describes gaslighting on Psychology Today:

"Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. A gaslighter preserves his or her sense of self and power over the gaslightee, who adopts the gaslighter’s version of reality over their own."

Gaslighting also isn't confined to a one-time event, but is more a a pattern of behavior. The gaslighter's repeated distortions and denials wear the victim down over time, making them doubt themselves and question their reality. That's part of what makes it hard to spot from the inside, since someone being gaslighted is likely to question whether it's really happening.

If you detect an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, it's important to seek professional help from therapist, especially if you suspect gaslighting may be at play. But having a tool to help clarify what you're experiencing and help determine what kind of help is needed can be useful.

Psychology Today offers a 20-question online self-test to help you assess whether gaslighting might be a problem in your relationship. The test takes about three minutes and includes statements like "This person makes me feel like I'm unstable," "This person tells me that other people are not trustworthy," and "I choose my words carefully when I'm with this person." After responding to each statement with one of five answers ranging from Always to Never, the test tells you how likely it is that gaslighting is an issue in that relationship based on your answers. Possible outcomes include no signs, few signs, some signs, strong signs or very strong signs of gaslighting.

The test results page also provides more detail about what gaslighting is, things to watch for to spot it and tips for what to do if you are being gaslighted in you relationship.

"The healthiest course of action, in most cases, is to end the relationship or significantly reduce contact," the site states. "Leaving a gaslighting relationship is challenging but possible. Confrontation is rarely effective; instead, trust your instincts, gather evidence, reduce or cut off contact, and seek help from friends, family, or a therapist."

Find the Psychology Today gaslighting self-test here. (And if you need a therapist to help you with your relationship struggles, you can search by location, insurance and specialty on the website's "Find a Therapist" database of providers here.)

This article originally appeared on 8.7.24

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relationships

Health

Psychologists set the record straight on what gaslighting is (and what it's not)

"People often tell me that someone gaslighted them when in fact, what they are describing is mere disagreement."

Photo by Timur Weber: Pexels

Arguments and disagreements do not automatically equal gaslighting.

Unless we were in therapy to deal with an emotionally abusive relationship, most of us weren't familiar with the term "gaslighting" until the past decade. Now, it's everywhere, and there always seems to be someone talking to people and gaslighting them. In fact, it's used so much that in 2022, it was named a word of the year by the dictionary giant Merriam-Webster.

"Gaslighting" has become a common part of our vocabulary—unfortunately, it also comes with some common misunderstandings.

Merriam-Webster currently defines gaslighting as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage,” but that definition merely reflects how the clinical term has been broadened and oversimplified. As psychologists explain, specific factors make a behavior gaslighting instead of disagreeing, correcting, or trying to persuade someone that they're right.

Where the term "gaslighting" comes from

The word "gaslighting" is derived from a 1938 play called "Gas Light," which was subsequently adapted as the film "Gaslight" in 1944. In that story, a young woman's new husband—who had, unbeknownst to her, murdered her aunt 10 years prior—tries to make her think she's losing her mind. He manipulates her environment (for instance, by repeatedly dimming the gas lights) but denies that anything odd is happening, making her question her reality. His deception was deliberate—he hoped to drive her mad so he could institutionalize her and steal a cache of jewels that were hidden in her aunt's house.

That storyline, the husband's tactics and the reason for them provide helpful context for what gaslighting is and isn't.

What is "gaslighting"?

Psychology Today defines gaslighting as "an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth."

Robin Stern, Ph.D., wrote the 2007 book "The Gaslight Effect," which helped popularize the term that she says is now losing its meaning. "People often tell me that someone gaslighted them when, in fact, what they are describing is mere disagreement," she writes in Psychology Today.

Here's how she describes it:

Ahona Guha D.Psych offers a definition that includes some key factors:

"Gaslighting is a pattern of behaviour, usually intentional, designed to make someone question their own reality, memories, or experiences. The lesson is simple: When identifying gaslighting, look for a pattern (i.e., one time is not enough), and for behaviour that seems intentional or malicious (think 'No, you are over-reacting because you are too sensitive, it didn’t happen that way')."

When is it not really gaslighting?

If we define gaslighting as simply misleading or confusing someone, it becomes easy to mislabel all kinds of normal, imperfect human interactions as such. Disagreements, remembering events differently, and even trying to convince someone of your viewpoint are not gaslighting unless they involve some specific elements.

"It’s important to remember that gaslighting is not present every time there is a conflict, and someone feels strongly about their point of view and rejects another’s," explains Stern. "Conflicts can veer into gaslighting if one person is so insistent that the other person starts to doubt themselves. A power imbalance in the relationship usually allows the gaslighter to undermine the gaslightee’s sense of self. The need to control, the act of manipulating, and the leveraging of power are essential components of gaslighting—not hurt feelings or challenged viewpoints."

"Often, the gaslighter is unyielding and verbally aggressive," Stern adds. "The gaslighter likely turns a back-and-forth discussion into blaming the other person and may even lie outright about what took place. They may use statements such as, 'Are you crazy? I never said that—must be early memory loss,' and 'OMG—fantasy land as usual. Can’t you remember anything?!'"

Guha emphasizes that gaslighting is not a one-off behavior but a pattern. "Most people will say things that might be insensitive, exasperated, or callous on occasion. It would not count as gaslighting unless there was a repeated pattern over time — a pattern based on a desire to deny recognition of the other’s experience."

Why does it matter if we call something gaslighting when it's not?

“Gaslighting is often used in an accusatory way when somebody may just be insistent on something, or somebody may be trying to influence you," Dr. Stern told Well + Good. "That’s not what gaslighting is.” She shared that accusing someone of gaslighting when they are really just insistent on a strongly held opinion, or belief shuts down a conversation in an unhealthy way.

Stern and her colleague Marc Brackett at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence wrote in the Washington Post, "Today, many people use 'gaslighting' when someone merely disagrees with them. Well-meaning partners, co-workers, or family members may not be skilled in resolving conflict in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean they’re gaslighting — or being gaslighted. Mislabeling and name-calling can break down communication. It can also lead you to think you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship when you’re not."

Gaslighting is "an extreme form of emotional abuse," according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, so if you wonder if you may be the victim of a gaslighter, get advice from a professional therapist who has the knowledge and experience to help.

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relationships

Family

Wife whose husband has 'sleepovers' with ex-girlfriend gets reality check from Dave Ramsey

But he did it in the most senstive way possible.

via Dave Ramsey/TikTok and Alexander Drummer/Pexels

A woman can't understand why her husband is having sleepovers with his ex-girlfriend.

It’s easy not to fault someone whose husband is engaging in behaviors that are threatening to their marriage to be in a little bit of denial. Especially when their partner appears to be gaslighting them over the nature of their relationship with the other woman.

A video taken from “The Dave Ramsey Show” is an example of a woman going through the process of coming to terms with her cheating spouse with the unlikely help of a celebrity financial advisor.

In a video clip posted to TikTok on December 2023, Kathy from Orlando, Florida, calls Ramsey to see if she should treat her money any differently because of her marriage problems. Kate admitted that her husband of 18 years has been having “sleepovers” with his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago. The couple doesn’t have any children.

The husband swears that they are “just friends,” which is hard for anyone to believe. "He reconnected with her. I don't know if he's going through a midlife crisis. I don't know what's going on," she told Ramsey.

@daveramsey
Kathy is having problems in her marriage, and she called in to The Ramsey Show to ask for advice. #relationshipadvice #relationshipproblems #marriageadvice #marriageproblems #divorce

Regardless if he’s cheating or not, the man is clearly gaslighting his wife by telling her that it is normal for him to be sleeping over at another woman’s house, especially an ex-girlfriend. This type of insidious behavior makes it hard for people to understand what’s reality and what isn’t.

Ramsey stepped in and gave her some clear advice on the emotional situation.

"Normal people that are married do not have sleepovers with the opposite sex ever in any circumstances that they are not married to. That's just not acceptable social behavior,” Ramsey said. “And the fact that he would try to play it off on that says that he has a level of B.S. in his life that is unbelievable."

Even though he was speaking the harsh truth, he did so while being mindful of the woman’s feelings.

"I'm trying to be kind because you're hurting, but you have to be going, ‘This is nuts.’ So, you need somebody outside to say, this is nuts. This is nuts. I just said it, okay?" Ramsey continued.

The woman admitted that she tried to take her husband to marriage counseling, but he didn’t want to go in fear of being “ganged up” on. Ramsey leveled with Kathy and told her she needed help from 2 people: a therapist and a divorce attorney. He said to her that she should have no problem putting the screws to him financially and emotionally for his infidelity.

"If this is the track he decides to go on, and if it ends your marriage, I would make that cost him," Ramsey advised. "He's gonna give up some stuff in order for you to make this quick. I would drag it out and make it painful for a while."

But most importantly, he reminded her that she was the sane person in the relationship and validated her concerns that he may be cheating on her.

"Either you are going to call something that's crazy, crazy. Or you are crazy,” he said. "So you need to get with a counselor that keeps you in between the ditches and reminds you that you are sane and he is not."

From Your Site Articles

relationships

Pop Culture

What's not as bad as social media would have you believe? People have answers.

We all know someone who needs to see this.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

A woman is outraged by social media.

Social media trends can often put overwhelming attention on a specific subject, turning it into a cultural obsession. There are a lot of examples when it comes to relationships and mental health. Social media is filled with armchair therapists who feel the need to diagnose everything as a psychological or physical disorder.

The problem is that there is often a giant chasm between the way that people who are trained in the world of mental health and psychology use these terms and the way they are bandied about online.

Take the term “gaslighting,” for example.

“Indeed, ‘gaslighting’ can be added to the list of words that have spilled over from clinical psychology into popular nomenclature,” Alia Hoyt writes at HowStuffWorks. “While increased understanding of mental health issues is generally a good thing, it falls decidedly flat when terms like gaslighting, ADHD, OCD, and such are grossly misused. All three have become popular slang terms for feelings and experiences that are nowhere near what the terms mean.”

When every bad partner is elevated to being a narcissist or a gaslighter, personal quirks are symptoms of autism, and bad days become episodes of depression, the world starts to become a lot more frightening.

That’s why a recent post on Reddit by NotABigFanOfDucks was so refreshing. They asked people on the forum, "What isn’t nearly as bad as Reddit would have you believe?" and received nearly 10,000 responses where people tamped down the sensationalist nature of social media.

Here are 11 things that aren’t “nearly as bad” as social media would have us believe.

1. Working through relationship problems

"Yeah, the relationship shouldn’t be a constant struggle that outweighs the good but not always sprinkles and sunshine. We are all human, including you and the people you date." — LocuraLins

2. Dads are welcomed in parks

"As a father, taking my daughters to the park. Nobody ever thought I was a predator or looked at me suspiciously. If anything, most people gave me positive vibes because they liked seeing a father actively involved. Nor was it strange to see other men." — BobbyTwoSticksBTS2

"100%. As a man, I get way more credit for doing anything with my child than her mother does from random strangers. The bar is so low for us lol." — TeddyOne

3. Not all bad partners are abusive

"I mentioned an ex being emotionally immature and someone said he's a covert narcissist. Not every relationship conflict is a sign that someone is abusing you." — Xain_the_idiot

"When did we start using ‘narcissist’ to describe someone exhibiting literally ANY undesirable behavior? It gets on my nerves so bad. Not everyone is a narcissist, FFS. Some people are just your everyday, run-of-the-mill di**head." — NapsAndShinyThings

"This is my big beef. Not everything needs a label to validate it. People can be an a**hole without being a narcissist. Some people are just incorrect sometimes. They're not trying to gaslight you." — I_Poop_Sometimes

4. Mental health

"Oh my god, I am so utterly exhausted by the new crop of armchair psychologists we now have to deal with, thanks to TikTok. Everyone has ADHD, on top of severe anxiety and depression, which are, in turn, caused by terrible past traumas. But you're a badass warrior for simply waking up each morning!" — KryssCom

"My cousin-in-law has OCD and was arrested because she, at the age of 12, took on three officers trying to force her to go to school, but she had to go home because her number of steps wasn't a multiple of 5, so if she didn't walk back home and do it she honestly believed her perfectly healthy mom would die. She believed this enough to fight three police officers. At the age of 12. I was recently talking to someone who said they had OCD, and I asked them ‘what their compulsion is’ and they said, ‘I like to keep my room tidy,’ and I said, ‘Is it tidy right now?’ and they said no, and then got upset when I told them that's not OCD. When I showed them the DSM-V, they told me, ‘It's a spectrum.’ Not everything is on a spectrum. You're neurotypical, and that's OKAY." — Throwaway_Consoles

5. 9 to 5 jobs are evil

"The ‘9 to 5 cubicle job.’ As someone who thought he'd do manual labor and retail bulls**t their entire life, I love my office job." — DabbinOnDemGoy

"This is a big one. Office jobs can feel depressing at times and some are worse than others, but I've been a line cook and a landscaper for years at a time and I'll take my current office job. Nothing against line cooks or landscapers, but those are REALLY tough jobs to maintain for decades. Very tolling on the body, brain and soul." — AfetusnamedJames

6. Wrong ideas about introversion and extraversion

"Introverted and extroverted don't really mean what most people think they mean. It means people who recharge their energy by either being around others or not. If you're an introvert, you 'recharge' alone, if you're an extravert, you recharge by being around others. This is why you can see socially adept introverts and socially awkward extroverts. It has nothing to really do with confidence in social settings, but whether or not they energize you." — LilyHex

7. American life

"Life in America. We absolutely have our problems, but so do all countries. Reddit loves to compare the most awfully designed suburb of a terrible city with, like, downtown Stockholm lol." — Narcadia

"Thank you for reminding this American who gets sucked into pessimism too often. There are some accelerating trends likely to make us such before anyone in the mainstream sees it coming, but all the hysteria around the little things seems to be pushing people further toward disastrous reactions to overblown problems. We could all use a little more 'it ain't that bad.'" — PM_ME_UP_PEWP

8. Upward mobility

"The ability for a person to work hard and improve their quality of life over time." — TooMuchMapleSyrup

"The 'I will never succeed because society has set me up to fail and therefore I will no longer try' attitude is so prevalent and so unhealthy." — One-Zero-Five

"This might be a selfish and nihilistic way to think but when I see people with that mentality, I think how much easier it will be for me to succeed because I'm willing to work hard and improve over time. It's like when people are willing to place themselves near the bottom of the 'pecking order' (standard deviation, bell curve, however, you see it), it's easier for me to rise to the top." — Duhblow7

9. Being a parent is fun

"Being a parent! Raising a whole human from scratch is freaking exhausting, yeah, but kids are also hilarious, sweet, fun, loving, weird, quirky, and awesome—all of which massively and unequivocally outweighs hardship." — Amoryjm

"I really regret listening to people who talked about how hard it would be. Stressed about it so much leading up to it. Not enough people talk about how much f**king FUN being a parent can be." — Knvn8

10. May-December romance

"Age gaps in relationships. Not saying they’re all okay but a lot of Reddit seems to believe they are all inherently abusive." — Hollowdisaster

"Exactly. What’s the point in having an age of consent and then getting upset when two people above that age are both … consenting? People on here love to get upset over things that have nothing to do with them. It’s weird." — Anonymous_Seaotter

11. Rejection

"Suffer the pain of rejection or the pain of regret. I've never regretted approaching a woman, but I still remember regretting not approaching them." — 65AndSunny

"Also, being sensitive to rejection does not mean you have ADHD." — Trcomajo

From Your Site Articles

social media

gaslighting

Feel like someone's gaslighting you? A 3-minute test can help you determine if they are.

Gaslighting is designed to confuse, and the signs aren't always super clear.

Psychologists set the record straight on what gaslighting is (and what it's not)

"People often tell me that someone gaslighted them when in fact, what they are describing is mere disagreement."

Where the term "gaslighting" comes from

What is "gaslighting"?

When is it not really gaslighting?

Why does it matter if we call something gaslighting when it's not?

Wife whose husband has 'sleepovers' with ex-girlfriend gets reality check from Dave Ramsey

But he did it in the most senstive way possible.

1. Working through relationship problems

2. Dads are welcomed in parks

3. Not all bad partners are abusive

4. Mental health

5. 9 to 5 jobs are evil

6. Wrong ideas about introversion and extraversion

7. American life

8. Upward mobility

9. Being a parent is fun

10. May-December romance

11. Rejection

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