financial security

Money conversations between women are essential. This is where women can drop their guard, admit their mistakes, and share the lessons they have learned at a high cost.

Recently, a powerful discussion erupted online when women on the subreddit r/AskWomen were asked a simple question: "What's the hardest money lesson you've learned so far?" The responses were raw, honest, and surprisingly universal—revealing financial truths that every woman should know before learning them the expensive way.

These aren't just money tips; they're survival strategies from women who've navigated financial hurricanes and emerged stronger.

Here are the 11 lessons that repeatedly emerged, each one carrying the weight of experience and the power to transform your financial future:

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1. Build your emergency fund like your life depends on it (because it does)

A recent survey conducted by U.S. News revealed a shocking truth: Two in five Americans (42%) do not have an emergency savings fund. Even more dismaying, nearly as many (40%) couldn't cover a $1,000 emergency expense with cash or savings, though 60% said they'd had an "unexpected expense pop up in the last year."

Unfortunately, a massive part of the problem is a gender wealth gap: nearly half of all women (49%) don't have an emergency fund, compared with just 36% of men who don't. They also have lower balances. Among women who do have emergency savings, the median balance is $6,500. It's $11,000 among men.

However, data revealed that emergency savings are the strongest predictor of financial well-being. Findings from Vanguard research indicate that having at least $2,000 in emergency savings is associated with a 21% higher level of economic well-being compared to not having any emergency savings.

Emergency funds are crucial. Photo credit: Canva

"Emergency funds aren't optional," warned one Reddit user. "Life will throw curveballs when you least expect them."

Another person chimed in, "Yup, my husband lost his high-paying job when I was eight months pregnant. I'm about to give birth and still have no job."

Then, a separate woman: "[I was] just driving and swerved to avoid [hitting] a rabbit. I hit the curb and needed new tires the same week I needed expensive dental work. Literally every dollar of debt I've been paying off this year just tacked right back on."

2. Never make someone else your financial safety net

Too many women learn this lesson through divorce, job loss, or relationship endings. Financial dependence isn't romantic—it's risky.

"Make your own money. Even if you meet someone wealthy who pays the bills, being able to say f*ck off is priceless ☺️" wrote one person on Reddit.

Another echoed this sentiment, writing, "And have things in your name. Build your own credit. Lease your own vehicle. Financial abuse and manipulation in relationships is devastating."

Reflecting on their past, someone else replied: "It's so important to have credit in your own name. I stupidly got rid of all my credit cards when I was a stay-at-home mom, and it's taken me eight years of paying bills on time to achieve a good credit score finally. No credit is worse than bad credit. You never know what curveballs life will throw at you."

3. Bank approval doesn't mean you should say yes

"Just because you're approved for it doesn't mean you can afford it," warns one Reddit user. "Congrats! You're approved for a $500K mortgage! But can you afford $3,500 a month just for the mortgage? (On top of all the other house costs, like food, clothes, electricity, and water?)

Another person chimed in: "THIS! My Husband and I sat down and did the math on 'Here's what we make, here's what we owe, here's what we can afford for our monthly mortgage to be.' Then we went to a mortgage lender, and they ran their program, saying they'd give us a loan for twice what we knew we could afford. I'm so glad we did the math ourselves first and didn't take their word for it, or we'd have been headed to foreclosure for sure!"

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Here's the cold reality: Banks make money from your debt. A pre-approved credit limit or loan offer isn't a financial blessing—it's a business opportunity. Banks see your income and think "customer potential," not "what's best for this person's financial future."

Try the 48-hour rule: wait two days before accepting any credit offer, and ask yourself if you actually need it.

4. Lending money often means losing money

Mixing money with relationships is like mixing oil and water—it doesn't make sense and often creates an entire mess.

That $500 loan to a friend often becomes a $500 lesson about boundaries. Before lending money to anyone, ask yourself if you can afford to lose it completely. If the answer is no, the answer to the loan request should also be no. A simple, "I'm sorry, I can't lend you money," is a complete sentence and a complete answer.

"Don't lend money unless you can afford to never get it back," writes one replier. "I lent someone over $5,000, and when I asked for it to be repaid, she blocked my number and ghosted me."

5. Credit card debt is quicksand

Credit cards aren't emergency funds—they're expensive traps. A recent Experian survey found that nearly 25% of Americans are struggling to manage their debts. Meanwhile, LendingTree reports that the average APR offered with new credit cards is 24.23%.

One Reddit user recommends using a 0% APR credit card to reduce your credit card debt. "0% APR is good," they write. "Create a calendar reminder to remember when it ends. Before that [date], pay off your credit card bill and use it like a debit card. If you can't pay it within two weeks, don't use it. Pay off your card twice a month."

Credit cards are a slippery slope into debt. Photo credit: Canva

This echoes Experian's advice for paying down debt and improving financial literacy. They endorse the 50/30/20 budget, which allocates 50% of your net income for essentials, such as groceries and rent; 30% for discretionary spending, such as entertainment; and 20% toward savings and paying off debt.

6. Trust, but verify—even in love

It's not fun to talk about, but financial infidelity affects relationships more than physical infidelity, according to financial therapists. Research also shows that women's financial independence is an essential aspect of gender equality within heterosexual couples because it liberates women from fear of obligation to men. It's been proven time and time again that financially dependent (versus independent) women are more likely to experience poverty, material deprivation, and marital instability.

People online put it more bluntly: "Unfortunately, don't trust your partner with your finances," one writes. "Don't take their word for it because they're a liar. They've been lying to your face for a year. The savings you thought you had are all gone."

Another person replied, "As the partner that manages the money in my marriage, I second this so loudly. I'm responsible for our finances and trustworthy. But you shouldn't trust anyone with your financial security. I make sure my husband is aware and involved. He doesn't care, but everyone [else] should. If he wanted to leave me tomorrow, he should have access to funds to do so and the knowledge of how much there is and isn't, how much debt we have, etc."

They continue:

"Knowledge is power, people. Any investment decisions or purchases exceeding $200 must be discussed and approved by both parties. Even if your money is completely separate, it's essential to know how your partner manages their own finances. Because you're on the hook for their mistakes in some way/shape/form at the end of the day."

7. Your own bank account is non-negotiable

"Keep a separate bank account with yourself as the only signer," urges a Redditor. "You are not required to tell anyone that you have it. Consider keeping a joint account for communal bills with your significant other, but keep all other expenses in your own separate account. This wedding advice was given to me 20 years ago by my aunt, who has been happily married for 40 years. She was right then—and still is.

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Financial independence starts with financial access. Having your own account isn't planning for divorce—it's preparing for life. Even you need your own money in your own account. This isn't about hiding purchases or planning an exit strategy; it's about maintaining your financial identity and independence.

As David Back, co-founder of AE Wealth Management, notes: "You should have your own account, both of you. It's absolutely critical, especially for women, that you keep money in an account that's yours that you control."

"8. "No" is a complete sentence.

Women are socialized to be helpful and accommodating—often at the expense of their own financial security.

"It's OK to say no when someone asks you to loan them money," one person reminds. "I have the hardest time saying no to friends and family, and have an even harder time asking them to pay me back. Now I just say, 'I'm sorry, I don't have any money I can loan you.'"

Remember: You don't need to justify, explain, or apologize for protecting your money. Whether it's a loan request from family or pressure to cosign for someone, "No, I can't do that" is sufficient. Your financial boundaries aren't suggestions—they're requirements for your security.

9. Payday loans are financial poison

Here's a stat that will make your blood run cold: The annualized interest rate for a payday loan often exceeds 10 times that of a typical credit card. These loans cost $15-$30 per $100 borrowed, resulting in an annualized rate of 360%-780%, and they rarely help people build credit, often trapping borrowers in debt cycles.

"Don't take out a payday loan. Credit cards are not money. Don't mess with the IRS. And most importantly, protect your credit score. That number is everything," writes a woman on Reddit.

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Payday loans aren't emergency solutions—they're emergency creators. If you need emergency cash, consider exploring credit union loans, nonprofit assistance programs, or asking family before resorting to payday loans.

10. Trust your bank's romance scam warnings

Have you ever received a financial request from a stranger on social media or a dating app? Maybe posing as an old classmate or a potential romantic match, these predators work their magic on you—being charismatic, gaining emotional trust—before things take a turn, and they suddenly ask for money, citing a medical emergency, travel expenses, a lost passport, or a frozen bank account.

Sadly, this is the classic setup for a romance scam—a dangerous and growing form of fraud that preys on emotions. Corebank reports that victims often "lose hundreds or even thousands of dollars, believing they are helping someone they deeply care about—only to later realize they were deceived."

A banker on Reddit warns others of romance scams, writing: "If your bank tells you it's a suspicious account and refuses to send your wire transfer, trust them! You are susceptible to romance scams."

Don't stress yourself out over a romance scam. Photo credit: Canva

Another shares, "My best friend fell for one of these. We're all dumbfounded because she's smarter than that. She didn't listen to any of our warnings. I'm not sure if the bank tried to warn her, but if they did, she didn't listen. 😞"

Corebank also found that romance scams disproportionately affect individuals over 55 years old (52%), which isn't to say that younger demographics are immune to their charms, with 11% of victims falling between the ages of 18 and 44.

How bad is this problem? According to the North American Securities Administrators Association (NASAA), romance scams, also known as confidence scams, are a growing problem in the United States. In September 2021, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) issued a warning that its Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) had received more than 1,800 complaints related to online romance scams, resulting in losses of over $133.4 million.

Make sure to protect your heart—and your wallet!—while talking to people online!

11. Permission to spend money on yourself, granted

Sometimes, the best financial advice for women is: to spend your dang money.

"I grew up poor, like, 'electricity was off sometimes' poor," recounts one woman. "Now, with my fiancé—who loves to spoil me—it's so hard for me to let him spend money on me. He can buy me a soda, and I'm like, 'But it's $3…' I'm constantly asking him, 'Is this OK?' when I get something. [I've learned from him] that it's fine to say, 'Money comes, money goes.'

Where does this guilt come from?

The UN reports that when women work, they invest 90% of their income back into their families, compared with 35% for men.

You don't need to earn every purchase through suffering or justify every treat. Spending money on yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary. Whether it's the massage that helps you recharge or the course that advances your career, investing in yourself is investing in everyone who depends on you. Build "personal spending" into your budget and spend it guilt-free.

The bottom line: Your financial story starts here

What's beautiful about this thread is that these lessons weren't learned in classrooms or from textbooks—they were earned through real experience, tough decisions, and sometimes painful mistakes. And what's even better? You don't have to learn them the hard way.

Every woman who shared her story did so hoping to spare another woman the same financial heartbreak. Their wisdom is your shortcut to financial confidence.

Pick one lesson that resonates most with you. Take one small action this week. Open that savings account. Have that money conversation. Set that boundary. Your future self—and every woman watching your example—will thank you.

Because when women control their money, they don't just change their own lives. They change everything.