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Mental Health

Psychologist shares beautiful advice for talking to people with dementia

"This isn't 'playing along to pacify the old guy,' this is an opportunity..."

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Dr. David McPhee offers advice for talking to someone living in a different time in their head.

Few things are more difficult than watching a loved one's grip on reality slipping away. Dementia can be brutal for families and caregivers, and knowing how to handle the various stages can be tricky to figure out.

The Alzheimer's Association offers tips for communicating in the early, middle and late stages of the disease, as dementia manifests differently as the disease progresses. The Family Caregiver Alliance also offers advice for talking to someone with various forms and phases of dementia. Some communication tips deal with confusion, agitation and other challenging behaviors that can come along with losing one's memory, and those tips are incredibly important. But what about when the person is seemingly living in a different time, immersed in their memories of the past, unaware of what has happened since then?

Psychologist David McPhee shared some advice with a person on Quora who asked, "How do I answer my dad with dementia when he talks about his mom and dad being alive? Do I go along with it or tell him they have passed away?"

McPhee wrote:

"Enter into his reality and enjoy it. He doesn't need to be 'oriented.' Thank God the days are gone when people with advanced dementia were tortured by huge calendars and reminder signs and loved ones were urged to 'orient' them to some boring current 'reality.'

If dad spends most of his time in 1959, sit with him. Ask questions he didn't have time for before. Ask about people long dead, but alive to him, learn, celebrate your heritage. His parents are alive to him. Learn more about your grandparents. If he tells the same story over and over, appreciate it as if it's music, and you keep coming back to the beautiful refrain.

This isn't 'playing along to pacify the old guy,' this is an opportunity to communicate and treasure memories real but out of time."

People on Quora loved the thoughtful, compassionate advice. Many people shared that they had taken this approach with their relatives with good results, and people who work with dementia patients confirmed it also. Some said that "orienting" to present reality may be helpful for people in the early stages of dementia, but not necessarily in the middle or later stages.

Of course, caregivers know that dementia means more than simply living in another time period in your head, and that talking with a person with dementia might require different skills and approaches on different days. But this advice to learn about a loved one's past may come in handy for family members who feel sad or hurt that they aren't being remembered in the present. It may help to see it as an opportunity to time travel with the person rather than a loss. When a person is deep in their long-term memory, you may be surprised and delighted by what you can discover.

People with dementia don't need to be brought back to the present if it's just going to confuse or irritate them. If they are in a safe place and are being watched over so they don't wander or do something dangerous, let them be. Join them in their past world and get to know them in a way you may not have had the opportunity to otherwise.

Solid advice, Dr. McPhee. Thank you for sharing it publicly.


This article originally appeared on 10.15.21

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well-being
Identity

99-year-old swimmer just shattered the centenarian world record in the 400m freestyle

Betty Brussel didn't even start swimming competitively until her late-60s.

Jim De Ramos/Canva

Did you know that swim categories go beyond age 100?

It's common knowledge that as we age, our bodies change, and at some point, we aren't able to do the things we used to do.

But somebody forgot to tell Betty Brussel that.

In January of 2024, the 99-year-old Dutch-Canadian swimmer shattered the world record for the 400-meter freestyle swim at a swim meet in Saanich, British Columbia, completing the event in 12 minutes and 50.3 seconds—nearly four minutes faster than the previous record in the 100 to 104-year-old age group. (Though Brussel is currently 99, swimming competitions go by year of birth to determine age categories.)

Swimming may be low-impact, but it's not easy. The fact that there is a 100 to 104-year-old age group for swimming is a testament to some of our elders' fitness and stamina. Even just climbing onto the platform at an entire century old is a feat worthy of acknowledgment. Breaking not only the 400-meter freestyle record but also the 50-meter breaststroke and 50-meter backstroke records as well is a whole other level.

And get this: Brussel didn't start competing until she was in her late 60s, which makes her record-breaking swims all the more impressive.

"When I’m racing, I don’t think about anything," she told Guardian Sport. "Nothing. I just count the laps, so that I know how many I have left. I always try to find a pace that I can sustain – you’re asking a lot from your body in these races. And on the last lap, well, I give it everything I have."

Brussel learned to swim in the canals of the Netherlands, where she grew up. But according to the Washington Post, as the second eldest of 12 children, Brussel was tasked with looking after her younger siblings, so she wasn't able to pursue the sports she was interested in such as swimming, skating and gymnastics. In fact, she didn't even take up swimming as a serious hobby until after she retired in 1982. She entered her first competition nine years later, at 68 years old.

For the past 30 years, Brussel has competed in swim meets all around the world. She still drives herself to swim practices twice a week and walks for 45 minutes on the days she doesn't swim. The only physical help she needs at this point is a hearing aid and a hand to give her some stability while climbing up onto the swim platform.

According to her swim coach, Brussel doesn't really care much about the world records she's broken, which are plentiful,. She just really enjoys swimming.

“I love being in a pool and gliding through the water,” she told the Globe and Mail. “I feel better when I get out than when I go in. Swimming is my love. It makes me forget all of my worries and I feel great.”

Brussel is a widow of 11 years and lives with her rescue cat, Mika. She has three children, ages 69, 72 and 74. She competed in five events at the Saanich swim meet and was recovered and feeling energized within an hour. She will turn 100 in July.

A documentary about Brussel and her extraordinary swimming accomplishments is in the works, tentatively due to come out in the fall of 2024.

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inspiration
Joy

Sun City Poms is a cheer squad for women over 55 and they're not slowing down

"Inspire before we expire."

Today|YouTube

You're never too old to cheer with the Sun City Poms.

Age is just a number if you ask some people. Once you pass all of the milestone birthdays, time just seems to zoom right on by. You still feel like you're 32, but your birth year is saying you need to add a decade or two. But if you don't feel old, are you actually old or is society trying to put you in an age-shaped box?

If you ask the ladies of Sun City Poms, a cheerleading squad in Arizona for women over 55 years old, age really is just a number. That's right, these ladies, some of whom are well past retirement age, have a cheer squad and man, are they active. Not only do the ladies perform, but they also march, and their practices would be a lot for people half their age.

According to People, the seniors practice three times a week for three hours at a time. That's pretty intense, but it doesn't stop these women from sticking it out, even the ones who are in their 80s.

While people outside of Arizona may just now be hearing of the Sun City Poms, the cheer squad has actually been around since 1979. It started as a cheerleading squad for a women's softball team called Sun City Saints, and eventually evolved from cheering at games to performing 50 shows a year at different events.

Mary Zirbel, 81, has been with the squad since she was around 58. According to People, she joined after she saw them marching in a local parade. The group is only for people who live in the Sun City retirement community, and the group currently has 30 members. They even have some trainees who are being put through a thorough recruitment process to make sure they can hang with the lively crew.

"They're always kidding me about being an old lady but they tolerate me," Ginger Price, now 90, told Today in 2018. "I mean, I could make a mistake or something and I can say, 'Well what do you expect, I'm old,' you know."

The group even performs at local high schools, and there are times when the students scream so loud for them that they can't hear the music.

"I did not think they could dance like that or they could carry people, they could do the splits. Like I thought they were going to do like simple hand movements but no, they like blew my whole mind away, and the whole school's minds away," Emily Essa, a high school student, explained to Today.

Sun City Poms seems to be in a league all on their own. Remember the trainees mentioned earlier? Well, they have to do a three-month class and learn two routines to see if they can keep up before they're even allowed to join the group. While their members are currently ages 58 to 90, the ladies plan to keep going until they can't physically do it anymore.

Peggy Parsons, 81, told People that she's hoping to continue with the Poms until she's at least 90, so they can all celebrate together, saying the goal of the group is, "We aspire to inspire before we expire."

sun city poms
Heroes

Uber driver befriends 88-year-old passenger and quits her job to become his caregiver

via Pexels and Pexels

Uber driver befriends her 88-year-old passenger.

A chance meeting between an Uber driver and an 88-year-old man with dementia has completely changed both of their lives for the better.

In March 2020, Paul Webb of Columbus, Ohio called for an Uber to take him to the Verizon store to fix his broken cell phone. Luckily for Webb, he was picked up by Jenni Tekletsion, 52, in her Toyota RAV 4 for the short trip.

"When he called for a ride—when he just talked to me by phone—I knew this guy, I’m going to take care of him,” she told ABC6.

“She was very personable, easy to talk to,” Webb told The Washington Post.

Two decades ago, Tekletsion emigrated to the United States from Ethiopia. She drives an Uber on the weekends to send money back to orphanages in her country of birth. At the same time, she had a job as a banker for a financial institution while simultaneously working on her doctorate in business administration.

A few minutes into the ride, Tekletsion began to feel bad for Webb. “I could tell how lonely he was,” she said. “I had a feeling that he needed help. I told him I live nearby his house, so I said, ‘From now on, when you need a ride, just call me.’"

The next day, Webb took her up on the offer for a ride to a nearby gas station to get some milk.

Over the next few weeks, he continued to call Tekletsion and she also would stop by his house to check on him. “I started coming here every single day after work to take him out to eat,” she told The Washington Post.

For a year, the two shared a meal together every day, alternating between who would pick up the check. Tekletsion also drove him wherever he needed to go, whether it was the supermarket or a doctor’s appointment.

As their relationship grew, Webb’s health began to decline and in April of this year, Tekletsion decided to quit her job to become his full-time caregiver. The pay was half of what she was used to making, but the benefit of helping her friend more than made up for the difference. Her husband works three jobs so she had the financial flexibility to make it happen.

However, at first, she had to convince Webb's two children, Keith and Melanie, who were skeptical of their relationship.

“The hardest part was to build trust with his children,” Tekletsion told The Washington Post. “I explained to them who I am and where I come from, and that I don’t need anything from Paul, but I want to take care of him and help him in his daily life.”

But she soon won his children over with her pure dedication.

“Consistency. She was real. She did what she said she was going to do, and she did it in a way that was genuine," Keith told ABC6. “She’s the same. In a world that’s ever-changing, rarely will you find someone who does not change. She’s the same. To this day, it’s mind-blowing.”

Tekletsion and Webb’s friendship is a wonderful example of what can happen when people who need help are able to find big-hearted people who are ready to give. And to think it all began with a simple rideshare.

“How lucky am I to get to spend my days with Paul?” she said. “It was the best decision I ever made.”









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