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elder care

Joy

Woman shares the one heartwarming request she got while visiting a nursing home

A beautiful story reminding us that some things never change.

@brittanydspivey/TikTok

We need more stories like this.

When vocal coach Brittany Spivey’s mother passed away in 2022, she began sharing her grief journey—and all the discoveries and transformation it brought—online. Including one particularly lovely story involving her visits to a nursing home.

As Spivey explains in the video below, once her mother had passed, she no longer had living parents, or grandparents, which prompted her to start making visits to her local nursing home. She arrived with flowers in hand and asked the front desk person which residents haven’t had many visitors in awhile.

Much to her surprise, the front desk worker replied that most residents don’t get visitation all that often. That day, Spivey was assigned two sisters, each of whom hadn’t expected anyone to come. After chatting together for a few hours, Spivey had “fallen in love” with each of them, and felt like she had been “sitting with her grandma and mom all over again.”

@brittanydspivey If youre in the mood for a beautiful story time 🥹🫶🏾❤️ #storytime #nursinghome #family ♬ The Song of Angels - Before the Throne

Pretty soon, Spivey began making regular visits, which included dropping off occasional gifts. To make sure she was actually getting her gal pals something they’d enjoy, she asked them, “Is there anything you need?”

Their response? “Girly things”: Butterfly hairclips, lip gloss, hair bows, little accessories, even a jewelry making kit. Not the basic toiletries or clothing items Spivey anticipated, but full-on kiddie toys.

Of course, Spivey was happy to oblige. The next day she and her daughter arrived with little trinkets to help make them “feel like the girls that they are.” And after that, the sisters got so excited each time they would see her.

“It was so beautiful. I miss my mom… I miss my grandma…so beautiful because I still get to have that relationship,” Spivey concludes> She then encourages everyone, but especially those who have lost a loved one, to dedicate a free day to their local nursing home or assisted living facility, and particularly to seek out the residents who don't get regular visitors.

@brittanydspivey 🥹❤️🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
♬ flower day - jeanie

Spivey’s story certainly touched many viewers, and even inspired a few folks to follow in her footsteps.

“Because of this, I have volunteered for a nursing home this Thursday. Thank you.”

“I’m gonna volunteer. I’m going to be unemployed and it sounds like a beautiful way to connect. We’re human and want connections.”

Others chimed in to share their own beautiful experiences.

@brittanydspivey Replying to @earthtotiana this comment makes me SOOOO happy ! 🥹🫶🏾❤️ Heres another update! #nursinghome #love #family ♬ Secret Place - Deeper Soaking Worship


“I did this. I met a man who cried every time I left, and forgot me every time I came. He showed me photos one day, and I realized he was my neighbor from across the street when I was a kid.”

“I became penpals with a man in a nursing home during Covid. We wrote to each other every week for three years. He passed away a year ago and I miss Harold every day.”

A few nursing home workers also noted how it is indeed a precious thing when someone visits, and how easy it really is to make their day: “I work at a nursing home, especially with dementia residents. No one visits them, and all they do is pace around the halls calling out for loved ones. It’s heartbreaking.”

“I work at a nursing home. It’s so true! They just want love, someone who listens to them, and simple things.”

This story beautifully captures how with age comes a return to childlike joy. Many of us in our inherent (and taught) fear of growing older forget that it also comes with this blessing. It also reminds us that while we might not be able to physically interact with those who have moved on, we can still experience the deep connections created by those relationships if we only seek them out.

When Miles Taylor was a teenager, she and her little brother moved in with their grandma Betty, who essentially became a single parent at nearly 80 years old.

An untenable family situation prompted the change, which Betty took in stride. It was a move that must have taken some "grit and guts and probably a real fine-tuned sense of humor" on Betty's part, says Taylor.

Taylor is now a sociologist at Florida State University. She says Betty, who died in 2015 at the age of 100, was a huge influence in her life. Betty was resilient, quick-witted, compassionate, and could at times be incredibly stubborn (as the doctor who tried to get Betty to stop eating candy learned). "And she had an unbelievable capacity for love," says Taylor.


Miles Taylor and her grandma Betty. Photos used with permission.

As Betty got older, she started needing some extra help, and Taylor was there to contribute.

"It was small things in the beginning," Taylor says. "She needed help putting up a Christmas tree. Then, as she got a bit older, she needed help with getting groceries delivered." Taylor, her brother, friends, and neighbors all helped out.

Then, in 2011, when Betty was about 96, she fell and broke a bone in her back. Taylor knew that from then on, Betty would need a lot more than just help with the Christmas tree, so she stepped into the role of Betty's full-time caregiver.

In 2015, about 1 in 7 American adults served as caregivers for someone over 50, according to an AARP report.

The numbers are even higher if you count those taking care of other recipients, like adults or children with injuries or disabilities. Many of these caregivers are pretty young as well — about a quarter are under 35.

Although many people feel positively about being caretakers, it can be physically, mentally, and emotionally tough work. In fact, there have been many studies and papers about the stresses of being a caretaker.

Most of these studies have focused on the caregivers' relationships or on the stresses around very personal tasks (such as helping people bathe). But when Taylor stepped into this role, she realized there was another, huge aspect of a caregiver's job — one she had known about but couldn't have predicted how stressful it'd be.

Navigating the health care system blindsided Taylor.

Handling Betty's personal care was one thing, but Taylor was surprised at how much time she had to spend just figuring out the health care system. Even as someone who had time and a bit of inside knowledge, it was really difficult.

For example, Taylor knew if Betty was ever to get mobile again after the fall, she'd need rehab to help with strength and balance. But a snafu with how the hospital had listed Betty on their charts meant her insurance wouldn't cover rehab. It took weeks to fix.

"It was very frustrating," Taylor says. Over and over again, she experienced similar issues.

Though Taylor says she was never disappointed in the care Betty received, many of the various institutions — hospitals, insurance agencies, care services — were fragmented. They didn't communicate, which meant the job of sorting everything out fell to Taylor.

When Taylor talked to other caregivers, many of them felt the same way.

Now Taylor has published a paper she hopes will help reveal this invisible workload.

As she cared for Betty, Taylor found support in her friend and colleague Dr. Amélie Quesnel-Vallée of McGill University in Quebec. Quesnel-Vallée was also caring for an older family member — her mother. And though Quesnel-Vallée lives in Canada, they found a lot of similarities in their experiences.

Together, they wrote a scientific paper informed by their own experiences as caregivers, published in The Gerontologist. They're hoping researchers and policymakers will take notice and maybe even make some long-term changes.

"It's important those caregiving hours and that caregiving stress is recognized," says Taylor.

But they also had a message — not just for health care professionals, but for other caregivers too:

"On the more personal side of things, a message we'd like to send out to caregivers themselves is they're not alone," says Taylor.

The AARP report suggested that most caregivers in the U.S. are stepping into this caregiver-plus-case-worker kind of role. It's important for caregivers to know that although it's often invisible, their work is valuable and valued.

Caregiving is hard, often invisible work. Through sharing stories like this, we can help bring it into the light and give it the attention and credit it deserves.