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Parenting

She got a nasty note on her car for parking in a disabled spot. Her response is a vital read.

Not all disabilities are visible.

Emma Doherty/Facebook

A nasty note gets a strong response.

We've all seen it while cruising for spots in a busy parking lot: A person parks their whip in a disabled spot, then they walk out of their car and look totally fine. It's enough to make you want to vomit out of anger, especially because you've been driving around for what feels like a million years trying to find a parking spot.

You're obviously not going to confront them about it because that's all sorts of uncomfortable, so you think of a better, way less ballsy approach: leaving a passive aggressive note on their car's windshield.

Satisfied, you walk back to your car feeling proud of yourself for telling that liar off and even more satisfied as you walk the additional 100 steps to get to the store from your lame parking spot all the way at the back of the lot. But did you ever stop and wonder if you told off the wrong person?

What if that person on the receiving end of the note had a perfectly good explanation for why they're driving car with a disabled sticker and tag?

That's exactly what happened to Emma Doherty, who was surprised to see someone pen such vitriolic words to her in this letter she found on her car.

The language in the note is pretty harsh:

"You lazy conning b-tch. You did not have a disabled person with you! These spaces are reserved for people who need them!!!"

I get that avoiding conflict is something that's been trained into us, but maybe if whoever wrote this note decided to say something to Emma, this entire thing could've been cleared up entirely.

Instead, she had to take to Facebook to pick apart the anonymous grouch and explain her situation to the rest of us. And hopefully whoever wrote the note (if they see her post) understands why they were terribly wrong.

Emma is the mother of a terminally ill child, Bobby. Her ruthless and powerful message sheds light on the misconceptions associated with disabilities and helps to break the stigma that all impairments are visible, because they're not.

"To the person who put this on my car, which I had put my disabled badge fully on, I'm not angry at your pure ignorance, I'm actually upset with it. How dare you ever accuse anyone of not needing a disabled badge without knowing. I wish you had the balls to say this to my face and I would have told you (even tho I don't need to explain myself to the likes of you) but I'd have happily said why I have a badge."

"I promise to get the stigma away from people with disabled badges who don't "look disabled." I hope this gets shared and back to you and you will see my son is terminally ill, he's had over 15 operations, 3 open hearts, 2 stomach, lung and diaphragm and countless artery stenting operations and spent half his life on intensive care."

respect, community, disabilities, visible disability

Emma Doherty and her son Bobby.

SOURCE: FACEBOOK

In her post, she delineates the severity of Bobby's illness, which has put the young man through multiple surgeries and procedures that are no walks in the park.

"He's had 2 strokes and was paralyzed, brain damaged and has a spine and hip condition as well as a massive heart condition. The reason I didn't get his wheelchair out was because I was running late because my son, who had a MRI scan, CTSCAN and a dye for heart function yesterday, only got discharged late and was back in this morning so carried him in."

"But for your information not everyone who holds a blue badge needs to have a wheelchair! I've told ... security and broke down, I've sat through things nobody should see but why did your note break me? Because it's your pure ignorance towards others. I'm a single mom trying my best to hold it together for my son who's in and out if hospital. NOT ALL DISABILITIES ARE VISIBLE and I hope you regret doing this and learn your lesson!”

Throughout her post, Emma simultaneously castigates the person and drives one important point home: Just because someone isn't in a wheelchair or crutches, doesn't mean they aren't disabled or in need of physical care or assistance.

I knew something would be said one day as every day I get looks and stares and see people whispering to each other about me and Bobby walking from the car. Everyone needs to stop and think before acting. I hardly ever let anything upset me but this did. How aggressive as well, and as for conning my son's disabled pass... [It] is not a con, he's actually seriously ill. I've added a picture of him to prove not everyone looks ill or disabled but can be seriously ill.

The mother clarifies at the end of the message that she's sure it wouldn't be a hospital staff member who wrote the message, because those who work in healthcare are well aware of the various reasons someone would have a disabled tag on their vehicle.

"I'd like to point out this has nothing to do with the hospital itself. They were lovely with me when I was upset and they treat us with every respect, always have [in our] 3 long years with them. They've saved my son's life many times. It [was] just somebody who was parked [there].”

Her post quickly went viral, with many people echoing her sentiments and thanking her for helping to clear up that tons of people suffer from different disabilities and that not all of them are so readily apparent.

SOURCE: FACEBOOK

And as it turns out, Emma isn't the only parent who's dealt with judgmental individuals who gave them flack for having a disabled sticker on their car. As if having to deal with a sick child isn't enough, they also have to suffer through getting guff from randos on the street over a measly parking spot.

SOURCE: FACEBOOK

Bobby's condition has left him without pulmonary artery function, which means that blood will not pump throughout his body. As you can imagine, walking long distances — or performing many physical tasks otherwise healthy individuals take for granted — are out of the question for the 3-year-old.

As a result of her son's condition, Emma has to take him to the hospital for treatments throughout the week, and seeing the note on her car while having to deal with that ultimately set her off. Thankfully, she used her anger to send a positive message.

Floored by the positive response to her message, Emma went back online to thank people for being so receptive and helping to spread awareness that disabilities come in many forms.

"My inbox is full of people who have told me they have been stared at or even spat at. This is a serious problem and I just want it to change. I am hoping by sharing what I went through people will start to think before acting."

This article first appeared five years ago.

From Your Site Articles

disabilities

Equality

Man who now uses a wheelchair explains ableism, and it's a must-read for us all

Carson Tueller/Facebook

People who are able-bodied aren't always aware of the daily realities of people who live with disabilities. Unless someone moves through life in a body that works differently, or lives with someone who does, how could they?

Unfortunately, that lack of awareness is too often paired with assumptions, judgments, and attitudes about disabled bodies that cause harm. A man who grew up able-bodied and now uses a wheelchair explained in a Facebook post shared by Disabled Magazine how ableism—discrimination in favor of able-bodied people—manifests in subtle ways.

Carson Tueller shared two photos of himself—one where he was standing, and one six years later with him in a wheelchair. He didn't share in his post why he's in a wheelchair, other than he had an injury, because it doesn't matter. The point of the post isn't his disability, but rather the tendency for fully abled bodies to be held up as ideal while every other body is seen as defective.

RELATED: #AbledsAreWeird offers a brilliant taste of the everyday crap people with disabilities deal with.

For some, the idea that able bodies aren't ideal might feel challenging. ("Of course fully able bodies are ideal! Isn't that just the reality?") But as Tueller points out, "A body with more function is not better than a body with less function."

Tueller wrote:

"So, what happened to you?"
.
"Why the chair, man?"
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"So, like, were you born this way?"
.
When I was newly injured, I was shocked at how bluntly I was asked such personal questions about my body. I slowly realized that people saw my body as a deviation from a norm, and they wanted to know how my body became the way it was.
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I used to be agitated by this. I would stick out my hand, say, "Hi, I'm Carson", give a patronizing smile, and leave. Now, I'm much more patient because I understand what is at the core of the questions:
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It's ableism.
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I don't say that in a blame-y, angry way. I just mean that relating to disabled bodies as a deviation from "able" bodies, and holding "able" bodies as ideal, is ableism. Much like relating to any race other than white as a deviation from white, and holding whiteness as ideal, is racism. Pretty simple.
.
Ability, just like race, color, gender, and sexuality, lies on a spectrum. While all bodies function differently, that difference in function does not equate to a difference in value. A body with more function is not better than a body with less function.
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Read that last sentence again, because if you get what I'm actually saying, you'll see it's a pretty radical statement.
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If this is confronting to you, or if this seems impossible, or *actually* untrue, welcome to internalized ableism!
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Don't worry, we've all got some. ❤️

RELATED: This company has huge aspirations for reducing the unemployment rate for disabled folks.

Checking ableism means challenging our notion of what is considered "good", "better", or "normal" in the realm of ability. These are values that are arbitrarily assigned to a class on a spectrum, and I say it's time to change that!
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The man on the left, 6 years ago, is no more valuable because he is standing and has a fully functioning spinal cord than the man on the right. These bodies are of equal value and worth.
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They are different, and both are worthy and valuable. Nothing is wrong with either of them.
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Addressing ableism in society will free all of us. If you have a body, this conversation is about you. By altering our idea of what it means to have a human body, we make it possible for all people to love the bodies they live in. ❤️"

Those of us who don't belong to a marginalized group have to rely on the voices and experiences of those within it to help us understand how we unintentionally contribute to their marginalization. Thanks to Mr. Tueller for helping explain how to celebrate all bodies as fully human and fully valuable, regardless of where they fall on the ability spectrum.

From Your Site Articles

disabilities

Gillette

"It takes me like a half an hour to shave my father because I have to be so careful," a middle-aged man declares.

The man, identified as New Jersey native Kristian Rex, presses the razor to his elderly, disabled father's face — a face he loves. With great care, he glides the blade across his father's chin, upper lip, and cheeks, taking pains to listen and follow instructions.

"He's really particular about his sideburns." he says, as his dad smiles.

The ad, which recently won six Lion Awards at Cannes, is the centerpiece of the launch of Gillette's Treo, which the company calls the "first-ever assisted shaving razor."

The blade, which is designed specifically for a caregiver to use on clients or family members, is currently in testing. The company plans to distribute 10,000 razors free as part of the trial. The data they gather will help inform the final design.

"When we spoke with our partners like [the American Society of Aging], we learned that the primary goal of family members and professional caregivers alike is to help maintain a sense of normalcy and to support lost functions — like the ability to shave oneself," Melissa Monich, Procter & Gamble's vice president of research and development, global grooming, said in a news release.

Adapting the Treo for caregiver use meant redesigning the company's traditional blade to optimize for one person shaving another.

The most drastic change is to the handle, which works "like a paintbrush" and includes a divot that operators place their fingers on for a steadier shave. The handle also contains built-in shaving gel, allowing caregivers to lather and shave in one motion.

Some caregivers plan to waiting and see if the Treo will really work as advertised.

While others are cautiously optimistic.

The company hopes the innovation results in a "dignified shaving experience" for those unable to shave themselves.

"We were struck by how important these day-to-day activities are in supporting the dignity, pride, and morale of those who need assistance," Monich said.

Soon, a few thousand people will have a chance to see if the blade delivers that boost — and a clean shave, to boot.

People interested in receiving a free razor as part of the pilot program can register here through Nov. 30, 2017.

Keah Brown feels cute, and she's not afraid to show it.

But for the 25-year-old from upstate New York, it hasn't always been that way.

“It took me a while to get to that place to feel any sort of positive thing about my physical appearance," says Brown, who has cerebral palsy. "So now that I do, I’m like, hey, I might as well celebrate it.”

On Feb. 12, 2017, Brown shared photos of herself on Twitter using the hashtag #DisabledAndCute.

The idea behind the hashtag was pretty simple.

“What I wanted to do was make something that felt empowering to me and to other disabled people," she explains.

The message caught on.

Others in the disability community started sharing photos of themselves using the hashtag, too.

Before long, #DisabledAndCute became a trending phrase, with lots of people joining the conversation.

"I wanted to do something to celebrate disabled folks and take the time to really take back the narrative that all we are is something to be pitied or used as what I’d call, 'inspiration porn,'” Brown says.

Inspiration porn, she notes, is "only being as valuable as what you can achieve or make able-bodied people feel about themselves."

The hashtag became intersectional, too, with people from all walks of life and various experiences chiming in.

Sometimes, pets made appearances.

But mostly, the hashtag filled up with selfies from folks who were feeling good about being themselves.

“It’s been overwhelmingly positive,” Brown explains of responses to the hashtag — although not everyone's been on board.

Some voices in the disability community were critical of Brown's choice of the word "cute," she says, explaining that able-bodied people often talk down to folks who are living with a physical disability. When able-bodied people say things like, "You're so adorable" to those living with a physical disability, it can be demeaning and infantilizing.

But that point wasn't lost on Brown.

“What I wanted to do was reclaim the word ‘cute,’" she says. "I think it’s OK when we feel cute, and it’s OK to say that.”

"I generally dislike making human beauty the focus of any discussion," one user wrote. "But why not celebrate?"

“A lot of times — specifically with social media — disabled people are often used as memes or jokes," says Brown.

"And this hashtag was a way to put that on its head and for people to tell their own story and celebrate themselves in a positive way.”

Scrolling through responses, you'll notice #DisabledAndCute wasn't so much about being "brave" — it was about loving who you are...

...and showing off fierce photos, too.

Some people's disabilities were more visible than others.

But that wasn't the point, either.

"We are all hella #DisabledAndCute" was more what the hashtag was going for.

And the internet pulled it off quite nicely.

Brown wants able-bodied people to understand she "doesn't have to be your inspiration porn or your pity party to be good enough."

But she'd appreciate your help in fighting for what's right.

Disabled people "can have happy lives — we can be loved," she notes. "We don’t need you to feel bad for us. It would be nice if you were in our corner when we’re fighting for our rights, but you don’t have to feel bad for us, because we’re living full lives.”

Check out more photos and join the discussion on #DisabledAndCute.

Lawyers' Committee

Lawyers' Committee for Civil Rights

What it was like to vote while disabled 50 years ago, compared to now.

With all the progress that's been made in America, the "Land of Opportunity," it’s hard to believe the right to vote wasn’t always a given for everyone — including the disabled.

But if we take a look back at American history, we can see that there was a time not too long ago when people with disabilities did not have a say in any election, let alone a presidential one.

It wasn’t because of someone’s personal beliefs against voting, or even religious beliefs. There were simply no laws in place for the disabled to make their voices heard, which caused a longstanding battle of discrimination and prejudice. In fact, people within the disabled community were (and still are) often denied the right to vote despite steps being taken to grant them that right.

Photo via iStock

In the 1960s, the disabled community got real about prejudice during the disability rights movement.

Before that, if you had a disability, you probably couldn't vote. The polls weren’t accessible.

The movement sparked radical change for more than 54 million Americans by ensuring that polling places — as well as the actual voting process — would be made accessible. This includes having ballots printed in Braille for the blind or visually impaired.

I have cerebral palsy and use a motorized wheelchair, so I’m one of those 54 million people who can now vote more easily.

I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to be a statistic in this demographic because it’s a group that often has to fight a little harder for what they want and what they believe in.

I’m also not ashamed to say I’ve voted before. In fact, it was one of the first things I did when I came of age. My older brother went with me to help, and at this particular time, I didn’t have my motorized chair. I just had my manual one that I use in case of an emergency or if I’m going somewhere for a short period of time.

Photo via iStock.

My brother lifted me (and my chair) out of the car and pushed me into our local polling place. The room was fairly large, and there was a woman waiting at a table to check my voter registration card as we came in the door. I pulled the card out of my wallet and showed it to her.

“It says here you’re 18?” She asked immediately (because I didn’t look 18).

“Yes ma’am,” I replied.

My age caught her off guard, but I could tell by the surprised look on her face and her body language that my chair did, too. I don’t know which one surprised her more, but I wasn’t really bothered by it. I’m used to getting that reaction from people, and I understand it’s part of having a disability.

For the most part, voting for the first time was a hassle-free experience for me — except the booth was almost too high for me to reach from my chair.

It made for some difficulties, but I decided not to make a big deal out of it because it wasn’t a matter of someone doing that on purpose to prevent me from voting. It was minor compared to some of the challenges I’ve faced in my life. If anything, I was just proud to cast my vote.

For me, voting for the first time mattered because it made me feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself.

This year, disabled Americans will be turning out in droves to vote, given Donald Trump’s blatant mockery of disabled folks. That means it’s even more important for every voting booth to be accessible.

In fact, according to the American Association of People with Disabilities, people with disabilities will account for about one-sixth of eligible voters in the 2016 election — 34.6 million people.

In 2016, there will be 62.7 million eligible voters who either have a disability or live with someone who has a disability, more than one-fourth of the total electorate. And in 2012, 56.8% of people with disabilities voted, compared to 62.5% of people without disabilities.

Photo via iStock.

This election will be a milestone not just because of its magnitude, but also because of what it represents, as well as what’s at stake. And for the first time, I think people with disabilities will be on a level playing field like never before.

Changes have been made to include the disabled community in voting, and that is a huge step forward.

But our progress can’t — and won’t — stop there. If we have something to say, Nov. 8, 2016, is the time to say it.

It’s our chance to counteract the embarrassment that Trump has inflicted on so many people with disabilities and to start righting some wrongs, too.

Donald Trump allegedly used the r-word during the 2011 season of his reality TV show, "Celebrity Apprentice."

The then-host of the reality show referred to contestant Marlee Matlin — an award-winning deaf actress who starred on the show — as "retarded" and routinely mocked her intelligence, series staffers told The Daily Beast.

Actress Marlee Matlin. Photo by Mike Windle/Getty Images for Turner.

According to the staffers, Trump once scribbled, “Marlee, is she retarded?” on a note other employees saw. He ridiculed her voice, similarly to how he belittled a New York Times reporter with a physical disability. And he regularly talked down to her in meetings, as if her deafness somehow made her mentally inept.

"[It] sounded like he got a real kick out of it," one staffer noted. "It was really upsetting.”

On Oct. 14, 2016, Matlin responded to the report on Twitter:

Who knows what was going through Trump's head when he decided to use that word. Knowing Trump, he'd probably deny that this exchange ever happened. But, assuming 1) that it probably did, and 2) that we give him the benefit of the doubt, let's proceed as though he just didn't know that that's not an OK word to use.

So, for next time, Donald, here’s a helpful chart to utilize when you're not so sure, courtesy of the fine folks at the Military Special Needs Network:

[rebelmouse-image 19501631 dam="1" original_size="842x789" caption="Courtesy of the Military Special Needs Network." expand=1]Courtesy of the Military Special Needs Network.

As the chart sums up nicely, you should definitely use a different word ... pretty much always.

To be sure, some medical terminology and diagnoses have used the term in the past, but since then, the word has become increasingly less appropriate. You might also hear a baker toss around the word now and then as a verb when referring to bread (though the more popular term is "proofing"), but as far as in everyday speak, no — no one should ever use that word.

Hearing that Donald Trump, who made headlines early in his presidential campaign for mocking a disabled reporter, used the r-word on the set of "Celebrity Apprentice" isn't necessarily shocking, but it's not an example that such a public person should be setting.

As deaf model Nyle tweeted on Oct. 9, 2016:

Also, while we're on the subject, Mr. Trump, please consider using different words when referring to Mexicans, women, and black people too.

Please and thanks!