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Mom shares the hard truth about men who want kids versus those who want to be fathers

There's a huge difference between the two.

via Canva/Photos

A lazy dad versus an attentive father.

Many men say they want kids, but does that mean they also want to take on the full responsibilities of being a father? That’s the big question at the crux of a recent viral TikTok post that everyone who wants kids with a man should consider. The question has traditionally been, “Does he want kids?” but Abby Eckel thinks we must dig deeper.

Abby Eckel is a social media influencer and blogger who discusses women’s rights, focusing on equal division of labor in the home. In her video, she breaks down the differences between the 2 types of men. “Men are taught to want kids, but not how to be dads. There are lots of men that want to have kids. There are fewer men that want to be dads, and it's really important, as women, that we discern between the two, because they're not the same,” Eckel says.

What’s the difference between being a dad and being a father?

“A man that wants kids, he's thinking legacy. He's thinking caring on the family name, having little mini-me's running around, having kids running around, the milestones, the highlight reel,” Eckel continues. “Very few men though, when they think about, ‘I want to be a father’, are they thinking about the daily grind task, the midnight feedings, the diaper changes, the to and from of the inevitable sports that they'll play.”

@abbyeckel

I cannot emphasize these differences enough.

Eckels question is fundamental because if someone mistakes a man saying “I want kids” with “I want to be a father,” they may unwittingly sign themselves up as the default parent in a relationship. They will have to assume the mental load of parenting because dad fails to take any initiative. In this arrangement, the dad simply becomes someone who plays with the kids on occasion and has to be told what to do. This places the default parent in a position where it’s nearly impossible not to develop some resentment for their spouse.

On the other hand, a man who wants to be a father will be proactive and an equal partner in parenting duties.



Eckel believes that a big reason why some men fail to step up and become fathers is because they weren’t taught to be nurturing as children. “We bombard boys with messages about being providers, protectors. But when's the last time you actually saw a boy being taught how to nurture? How many young male babysitters do you have on your roster? I don't have any. How many little boys do you see walking around with a baby doll, feeding her, changing her diaper?” she asked.

The post resonated with many of Eckel’s followers, who think there are a lot of men out there who aren’t stepping up and taking responsibility. “Same for being married. Do they just want a wife, or do they want to BE a husband,” Dana wrote. “Being a Father and being a Dad are 2 different things. Your father is the person who helped create you, your dad is the man who helped raise you. They're not always the same person,” Izzie added.

“If you really want to see how a family acts, go to any theme park and watch a family of three or more. You can see just how much the mother goes through in a day with the kids while the father eats snacks,” Athena commented.

Ultimately, Eckel says the difference between a dad and a father is someone who takes initiative. “So, before you have kids with a man, watch how they handle responsibility. Do they take initiative on things, or are they always sitting back waiting for you to tell them what to do? Do they notice what needs to be done without being asked?” she explained.

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'Tough love': Woman shares why husbands promise to be equal partners, but never change

"It doesn’t benefit him to change."

via Timur Weber/Pexels

A couple arguing on the couch.

Research shows that couples are becoming more egalitarian as it pertains to income. But when it comes to the division of domestic labor and taking care of families, there is still a considerable gap between the work done by men and women in heterosexual marriages.

Consider this: the average woman dedicates 4.6 hours per week to housework, while men contribute only 1.9 hours. Furthermore, women spend nearly 2 more hours on caregiving, including child-rearing than men.

Men and women are still having a hard time creating equal partnerships, and, more often than not, it means that women are the default parents of their children. They are also in charge of domestic duties and often have to make lists for their husbands and nag them to do their part.

​Abby Eckel, a popular social media wife and mother, thinks this needs to end and uses her considerable platform to push to equalize domestic labor. In a video with over 900,000 views, she explains the harsh truth of why some men take advantage of their wives and refuse to change.

This is a harsh truth. But it needs to be said. He simply doesn't care. 

@itsme_abbye

This is a harsh truth. But it needs to be said. He simply doesn't care. It should not take conversation after conversation after conversation for your husband/boyfriend/partner to list, learn, and change. It's because he doesn't care. It doesn't benefit him to change. Approaching your husband AGAIN to discuss household inequity is likely to fall on deaf ears because he has been EXPLOITING your time, energy and labor. And if he didn't care when he started doing it, he sure as shit isn't going to care now. And he likely knows there will be no consequence when he doesn't. Because again, this probably isn't the first time this conversation has been had. And nothing happened the last time you had, so why would it happen no? This is the very reason I tell women who are early in relationships, and those that are single - start out as you mean to go on. This requires setting boundaries for yourself and the person you're in a relationship with. Be clear and upfront on what you expect out of it, what you will and won't do. Because the second you start cleaning up his place, or your shared space, doing his laundry, looking after and caring for pets without setting firm expectations, you'll soon find yourself being the sole owner and doer of those tasks. And trying to set boundaries after the fact - AFTER a man has benefited from you doing it, isn't likely to happen. #marriage #datingadvice #relationshiptips #marriedlife

“This is going to sound harsh, but I think a lot of people actually just really need to hear the truth, and it’s because he doesn’t care. It doesn’t benefit him to change,” she says in the viral video.

“Approaching your husband again to discuss an issue, whether it’s household inequity, you not feeling considered, or you not feeling like he’s putting any time and effort into it, is likely going to fall on deaf ears because he’s been exploiting your time, your labor, your energy and if he didn’t care when he started doing it, he’s not going to care now,” Eckel continues.

Unfortunately, according to Eckel, if there are no consequences for refusing to be an equal partner, he won’t change. She equates it to parents who make threats to child children but don't follow through.

“Eventually, things are going to go back to how they were. You’re going to stop nagging him and he’s going to be fine with it. Until you bring it up again. And then again, nothing happens because there’s no consequences. So why would he want to change?” she says.

Eckel believes the key to avoiding this trap is to set firm boundaries at the beginning of the relationship.

“Be clear and upfront on what you expect out of it, what you will and won’t do,” she continues. “Because the second you start cleaning up his place, or your shared space, doing his laundry, looking after and caring for pets without setting firm expectations, you’ll soon find yourself being the sole owner and doer of those tasks, and trying to set boundaries after the fact — after a man has benefited from you doing it, isn’t likely to happen.”

Obviously, not all men have problems doing their fair share of domestic labor in a family. Eckel made another video in which she shares the positive qualities that an equal partner brings to the table.

"I don't have to make him a list."

"I don't have to ask him to help with things around the house."

"He knows how to shop at the grocery store without pictures."

"He doesn't expect me to handle everything alone."

"He plans date nights without me having to beg for it."

"He does his own laundry."

"He makes his own appointments."

"My stocking has never been empty."

"He makes his kids' lunches in the morning."

"He makes his son's therapy appointments and takes his son to them."

"He doesn't believe that just because he goes to work, he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home."

"He takes a genuine interest in me and my interests."

"He knows how to fold towels."

"He takes our kids to bed and knows our teachers' names."

"He doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not in the mood."

"He acknowledges and appreciates what I do and tells me often."

"He does basic adult tasks without being asked."

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Wife exposes the big double standard that exists between dad and mom hobbies

Is she the first person to realize this was happening?

via SheIsAPaigeTurner/TikTok, Rulo Davila/Pexels, Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

Paige points out the difference between male and female hobbies.

Paige, a work-from-home mom of 4, recently exposed a double standard between husbands and wives that exists in many heterosexual family structures. According to Paige, men can enjoy hobbies that take them out of the home for long periods of time whereas women are forced to choose hobbies that work around their family’s schedule.

The video has received over 730,000 views on TikTok and earned over 1700 comments.

“Male hobbies typically take them outside of the home during the daytime during caretaking hours. Female hobbies often revolve around the schedules of their partner and their children and account for the domestic labor that they are handling and any kind of mental load that they carry,” she begins.

The mom notes that men’s hobbies include hunting, golf and training for marathons that take them away from the home and family for long hours. However, women’s hobbies, such as gardening, book clubs, painting, or yoga, can all be done while working around the family’s schedule at home or nearby.

@sheisapaigeturner

Traditional male hobbies tend to take them away from the home and caretaking. This is made possible by the unpaid labor of women. women’s hobbies typically are scheduled around the needs of the family and take place outside of traditional caretaking hours. When women marry men, they lose time to unpaid labor, but when men marry women, they gain time. This plays into their ability to participate in hobbies. #domesticlabor #thementalload #unpaidlabor #millennialmoms #thementalloadofmotherhood #golfhusband

“We are able to and required to typically work our hobbies around the schedules of our families, whereas men's hobbies take them away from that,” Paige said. Men can take time away during caretaking hours because traditionally, women have been the default parents who are ultimately responsible for the brunt of the family’s domestic labor.

“So, men are able to leave the home for those extended periods of time during caretaking hours because they have a support at home. Most females do not feel like they have the same support when they would like to take on a hobby,” Paige said.

Paige proves the double standard by a hypothetical role reversal, such as joining a women’s golf league. “They may be met with a response that that is unfair, that takes them outside of the home, that is putting too much responsibility on the other partner, and that is not kind of equal division of labor, right?” she said.

This double standard has made Paige question whether moms enjoy the hobbies typically associated with married women. “Like often people joke like, oh, women love flowers and gardening. They don't all love that. One of the reasons they might get into it though is because they can do it from their home with their children. So it's something they can do together,” she said.

The post resonated with many women who want more balance in their relationships. "You could add to this video about mom's having guilt when it comes to their hobbies vs men who never think twice about taking part in their hobby," Michaela said.

"As a Dad, this is so aggravating. I cannot believe how many men do this to their partners," Steve Mollick added.

One mom chimed in with a clever way that her family deals with the gender hobby imbalance.

"My husband and I rotate weekend days off (I get Saturday, he gets Sunday usually) to be out of the house for 3 hours for whatever we want, and that has been the most amazing thing to happen to our relationship as a family. We both get time to decompress however we want every week," Lauren Reagan wrote.

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Schools found to be a big reason why moms are stuck in the 'default parent' role

But they can also be part of the solution.

via Alex Green/Pexels

A distressed mom picking up a phone call

Are you the parent your child goes to first after being emotionally or physically hurt? Do they bug you first when their iPad needs charging? Do you accompany your child to most of their doctor’s appointments? When the school has a problem, are you the first person they call?

If you’ve answered “yes” to most of these questions, you are most likely your family's default parent, which can be a real problem.

Amber Thornton, Psy.D, writes in Psychology Today that default parents (who are most often female) are likely to experience four common psychological problems associated with their position in the household, including chronic fatigue and burnout, feelings of resentment toward their partners and children, diminished ability to care for oneself and a significant decline in mental health.

Dr. Thornton argues that women are often put into this position due to a “systemic” problem where they are expected to provide primary care for parenting and home-related tasks.

A recent study by Kristy Buzard, Laura K. Gee and Olga Stoddard revealed that schools play a significant role in promoting women as default parents in heterosexual couples. Their study of over 30,000 schools across the U.S. involved fictitious parents leaving a message with a principal asking to discuss school placement and requesting their call to be returned.

The study posed three scenarios that proved the bias toward casting women as default parents.

In the first scenario, the person leaving the message asked the principal to call either the mother or the father. In this scenario, 59% of principals called the mother. In the second scenario, the message said the dad had “a lot of availability,” and he was called 74% of the time versus the mom, who was called 26%.

In the third scenario, the caller said the mother had “a lot of availability,” in that case, she got 90% of the calls, whereas the dad was called just 10% of the time. “If you indicate that mom is more available, they almost always call mom; that’s less true when you indicate dad is available,” author and economist Emily Oster writes in her “ParentData” Substack newsletter.

Even though the schools currently appear to be promoting an antiquated view of gender roles, they can also be a big part of paving the way toward equality. Oster believes we can quickly overcome this institutional bias by implementing a very simple solution in America's schools: letting parents inform tell schools who they should call first.

“It would be great if schools and child care centers would ask parents who should be called first. Every year, at the start of the year, we all fill out a million forms for our school or childcare settings. One of those forms should ask who the school should call as a first step,” Oster writes on her Substack.

“This change doesn’t really need to be motivated by a need for household equality, either,” she adds. “It’s just efficient! Calling the parent who will never pick up is not helpful.”

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