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Woman's tongue-in-cheek 'Mom Libido 101' intimacy equation has some men seriously upset

"Wife went by that algorithm for 8 months. Our relationship has never been the same, and I resent her every day."

via Canva/Photos

A man is discouraged and a woman does math.

One of the most significant challenges couples face after having kids is that it becomes a lot harder to maintain the same quality and quantity of sex that they had before the little one arrived. There are many reasons for this abrupt lifestyle change. It becomes harder to find time to have sex, privacy is even more elusive, parenting is exhausting, and a lot of times, sleep seems more exciting than being intimate. Adding to that, women go through a lot of physical and hormonal changes after having a child that may affect their libido.

A poll by Leesa found that couples have 47% less sex after having their first child, and that 61% of women and 30% of men reported less desire. Popular TikToker MaddieMu explained the math behind her decision to be intimate in a recent post, and it has some women applauding while many men are angry. Maddie is a mother of two who has "no filter" and claims to be the "mom friend you didn't know you needed until now.”

@maddiemu

hope this helps 🤭😌 #millenialmom #momhumor #honestmom #relatablemomlife

“Here's the basics of the formula: the amount she slept last night, plus how much food she's eaten today sitting down, times the amount of help her partner gave her divided by the annoying f**king comments, minus the number of times she was touched by her children today," Maddie said in her viral TikTok.

The math looks a bit like this: (sleep + food) x (help / annoying comments) - # of touches

Maddie also provided an example where things didn’t work out so well for her husband. “Let's say mom got eight hours of sleep last night, ate three full meals, her partner did pick up, and bath time, but he was really f**king annoying twice," she continued. "Then we have to subtract by the 1 thousand times that she was touched today. Does anyone know what the answer is? Not a f**king chance.”

Some women on TikTok thought they could perfect the equation with a few additions. "Also, don't forget minus 'How many times I've walked past the thing I asked you to take care of a week ago,'" one woman wrote. "Need one more section for the amount of decisions we had to make that day. Then you get definitely not a chance," another added.

Men were angry about the intimacy equation

On Instagram, there was a massive backlash from men who didn’t understand she was having fun at her husband's expense. "What if the partner did the dishes, fed the dogs, played with the kids, and took the kids away on a walk? Then also worked 8 hours making the sole income for the family and did all this while being kind to his wife, but she was still ungrateful," a man wrote on Instagram. "Wife went by that algorithm for 8 months. Our relationship has never been the same, and I resent her every day," another added.

 sex, relationships, sex and marriage, intimacy, teacher, couple in bed A woman rejecting her husband.via Canva/Photos

Ultimately, even though Maddie appears to be having fun by turning her carnal instincts into a math equation, within the joke, there is a kernel of truth. A lot of women have been relegated to the role of default parent, which forces them to take the brunt of the physical and mental load of raising a family. A significant part of Maddie’s intimacy equation was “the amount of help her partner gave her,” which makes a simple yet important point. When people feel energized and supported by their partners, they’re much more likely to be excited by them in the bedroom.

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Family

Mom shares her family's weekly 'Dadurday' tradition, and other parents are taking notes

What's not to like?

@kellyvellly/TikTok

Talk about a win-win-win for everyone involved.

Default parents need a break. Back-up parents need opportunities to bond with kids. Kids need fun weekend activities. Meeting all these separate needs might seem impossible, but one mom has shared how she and her husband make it happen.

In a video posted to her TikTok, Kelly Irene explains how implementing “Dadurdays” (cute name, right?) were a game changer. In fact, they’ve “slowly become one of the most anticipated days of the week.”

Here’s what a typical Dadurday looks like:

“Basically every Saturday ... we do this where my husband will take our toddler, and they will just go off on these little adventures together. I am not invited. This is just daddy and daughter’s special time, and they go and they have the time of their lives. They might go to the beach. or they might go to a waterfall or go on a hike. Or they might just go swimming in town, like whatever. They do whatever they want. I don't even ask. None of my business. They are going off and having the time of their lives,” Kelly says.

She goes on to say that both her husband and daughter “live for it,” since it makes up for lost time during the work week.

“When Saturday rolls around, it's his time to shine.”


 
 @kellyvellly We looove Dadurday!! #sahmtok #dadsoftiktok #dadurday ♬ original sound - Kelly Irene 
 
 


And when Dadurday is complete, their daughter is thoroughly wiped and ready for a long nap, making for a very peaceful Saturday night.

“It's just a great experience for everyone. All around. Couldn't recommend it enough. And I do recognize we only have one child. So I'm sure as our family expands, Dadurday is probably going to look a little different. It's going to evolve!” Kelly concludes.

Kelly’s family is apparently not the only one to implement this type of strategy. Soon other parents shared their own spins on Dadurdays.

“We call it Public Transportation Day because both my son and husband love the bus,” one person wrote. “They go wherever they can go on the bus or the subway and come back with stories of adventure.”

“We call it Saturdaddy,” added another.

Several dads chimed in to share how much the value getting to have Dadurdays.

“Saturdays are the day my wife sleeps in, I get up with the baby and we go to the hardware store, run errands and get doughnuts! Come home mid-morning when mom’s rested!” one commented.

Another said: “Girl dad here.. I’m totally doing this. Love it.”

And of course, just because the fun name is new, the concept has been around for a minute.

“When I was a toddler my dad took me to zoo, McDonald’s, and target for a my little pony every Friday. I’m 22 now and this was my favorite thing that I did with my dad to this day!” recalled one viewer.

As for what Kelly does during Dadurdays, she said in a follow-up video that it always changes.


 
 @kellyvellly Replying to @Sandy how im spending #dadurday ♬ original sound - Kelly Irene 
 
 


“Some days I just rot, and I don't do anything productive. I just lay around. If that's what I need — to be a potato for a day — I'll do that. But other days like today ... I'm just doing a bunch of laundry and getting packed because we leave for California in a couple days. My very best friend is getting married, so I'm just getting ready for that. It's a lot easier to do that when I'm all by myself.”

But one thing remains the same: “Dadurday is just as much for me as it is for dad.”

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Family

Dad shares why he joins in on overnight baby shifts even though his wife is on leave

“I have no idea why we are still having this argument.”

@professorneil/TikTok

A father pulling his weight shouldn't be considered "helping."

Yes, we’ve come a long way regarding gender equality. But if there’s any proof that we’ve still got a long way to go, look no further than the attitudes many still have when it comes to parenting roles.

Many still consider a father as “helping out” with a mom’s inherent responsibility when he participates in taking care of children, rather than simply being an equally contributing partner. And if mom is not working, the nuclear family ideal is even more persistent…as it is assumed she is the sole caretaker of the kids with no job to distract her.

All this can make the already difficult early chapters of parenthood next to impossible…and certainly not as enjoyable as they could be for moms who find themselves both partner-less and village-less.

Neil Shyminsky, a college professor and new dad, recently delved into this issue when he explained why he still participates in nighttime feedings—even though he works a full time job and his wife is on parental leave.

Shyminsky’s video was actually a response to another video made by labor equality advocate Paige Turner, who shared that someone called her “crazy” and “selfish” for suggesting a working dad should still wake up early with a new baby to give his wife an occasional break.

 
 @professorneil #stitch with @Paige We’re all working, we’re all tired, and we all have to work in the morning, too #parenting #work #labor ♬ original sound - Professor Neil 
 
 

“So it's currently 2 a.m. and I'm awake with this little one,” he says in the clip, explaining that he’ll be “on call for another two hours or so” until he switches with his wife, who is currently on parental leave.

As Shyminsky sees it, both parents are still currently working full-time, which makes his participating in overnight activities a no brainer.

“I might have to work a full day on four hours of really awful sleep, but I mean, what's the alternative? That she has to work a full day on none?” he asks.

As he eloquently puts it: “Parenting's work, parenting's labor. Stay-at-home parents work. I have no idea why we are still having this argument. Yeah, I can't figure it out there.”

So many viewers wrote in to praise Shyminsky’s rational take.

“It is exhausting to be the only parent to wake up at night.”

“I never understood the work argument. I still have to stay awake all day to take care of the baby and other kids. I need sleep.”

“Everything you said, and also the way to bond with a baby is by caring for it. That bond is worth some lost sleep.”

Others shared how they incorporated similar strategies.

One person wrote, “My husband and I had a great plan: I would go to bed around 8:00 and he would wake me up to switch around 1:00 or 2:00. We each got 5-6 hours each night. It worked for us!”

Another added, “Yeah we definitely did full night shifts. I’d take one night and husband would take the next. Lifesaver knowing you’d get a night of sleep every other night.”

Shyminsky also told Upworthy that this in no way is considered “helping” his wife, as that implies all things parenting are technically her responsibility and that he’s “assisting” her.

“When I’m not at my job, parenting is a shared and equal responsibility. So I’m not helping with the parenting, I’m sharing in it,” he said.

So true. Parenting is a full-time job…one without pay, and one that you can’t really clock in and out of. It’s downright unrealistic to expect mothers to take it all on by themselves.

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Joy

'Tough love': Woman shares why husbands promise to be equal partners, but never change

"It doesn’t benefit him to change."

via Timur Weber/Pexels

A couple arguing on the couch.

Research shows that couples are becoming more egalitarian as it pertains to income. But when it comes to the division of domestic labor and taking care of families, there is still a considerable gap between the work done by men and women in heterosexual marriages.

Consider this: the average woman dedicates 4.6 hours per week to housework, while men contribute only 1.9 hours. Furthermore, women spend nearly 2 more hours on caregiving, including child-rearing than men.

Men and women are still having a hard time creating equal partnerships, and, more often than not, it means that women are the default parents of their children. They are also in charge of domestic duties and often have to make lists for their husbands and nag them to do their part.

​Abby Eckel, a popular social media wife and mother, thinks this needs to end and uses her considerable platform to push to equalize domestic labor. In a video with over 900,000 views, she explains the harsh truth of why some men take advantage of their wives and refuse to change.

This is a harsh truth. But it needs to be said. He simply doesn't care. 

@itsme_abbye

This is a harsh truth. But it needs to be said. He simply doesn't care. It should not take conversation after conversation after conversation for your husband/boyfriend/partner to list, learn, and change. It's because he doesn't care. It doesn't benefit him to change. Approaching your husband AGAIN to discuss household inequity is likely to fall on deaf ears because he has been EXPLOITING your time, energy and labor. And if he didn't care when he started doing it, he sure as shit isn't going to care now. And he likely knows there will be no consequence when he doesn't. Because again, this probably isn't the first time this conversation has been had. And nothing happened the last time you had, so why would it happen no? This is the very reason I tell women who are early in relationships, and those that are single - start out as you mean to go on. This requires setting boundaries for yourself and the person you're in a relationship with. Be clear and upfront on what you expect out of it, what you will and won't do. Because the second you start cleaning up his place, or your shared space, doing his laundry, looking after and caring for pets without setting firm expectations, you'll soon find yourself being the sole owner and doer of those tasks. And trying to set boundaries after the fact - AFTER a man has benefited from you doing it, isn't likely to happen. #marriage #datingadvice #relationshiptips #marriedlife

“This is going to sound harsh, but I think a lot of people actually just really need to hear the truth, and it’s because he doesn’t care. It doesn’t benefit him to change,” she says in the viral video.

“Approaching your husband again to discuss an issue, whether it’s household inequity, you not feeling considered, or you not feeling like he’s putting any time and effort into it, is likely going to fall on deaf ears because he’s been exploiting your time, your labor, your energy and if he didn’t care when he started doing it, he’s not going to care now,” Eckel continues.

Unfortunately, according to Eckel, if there are no consequences for refusing to be an equal partner, he won’t change. She equates it to parents who make threats to child children but don't follow through.

“Eventually, things are going to go back to how they were. You’re going to stop nagging him and he’s going to be fine with it. Until you bring it up again. And then again, nothing happens because there’s no consequences. So why would he want to change?” she says.

Eckel believes the key to avoiding this trap is to set firm boundaries at the beginning of the relationship.

“Be clear and upfront on what you expect out of it, what you will and won’t do,” she continues. “Because the second you start cleaning up his place, or your shared space, doing his laundry, looking after and caring for pets without setting firm expectations, you’ll soon find yourself being the sole owner and doer of those tasks, and trying to set boundaries after the fact — after a man has benefited from you doing it, isn’t likely to happen.”

Obviously, not all men have problems doing their fair share of domestic labor in a family. Eckel made another video in which she shares the positive qualities that an equal partner brings to the table.

"I don't have to make him a list."

"I don't have to ask him to help with things around the house."

"He knows how to shop at the grocery store without pictures."

"He doesn't expect me to handle everything alone."

"He plans date nights without me having to beg for it."

"He does his own laundry."

"He makes his own appointments."

"My stocking has never been empty."

"He makes his kids' lunches in the morning."

"He makes his son's therapy appointments and takes his son to them."

"He doesn't believe that just because he goes to work, he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home."

"He takes a genuine interest in me and my interests."

"He knows how to fold towels."

"He takes our kids to bed and knows our teachers' names."

"He doesn't make me feel bad if I'm not in the mood."

"He acknowledges and appreciates what I do and tells me often."

"He does basic adult tasks without being asked."

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