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Father of 3 shares what he learned about his wife’s ‘mental load’ after she left for 8 days

"I had no idea it felt like this."

Image credits: @ced/Instagram (used with permission)

Even involved dads aren't always fully aware of how much their wives manage mentally.

Parents today share responsibilities more equally than in past generations, but studies show childcare still falls disproportionately on women's shoulders. Some families choose one parent to take on the lion's share of childrearing and/or domestic duties, and if that works, great. Other couples work similar hours and have to figure out how to equally split home duties, but however the household is structured, mothers most often tend to be the "default parent" and household manager.

That means it's mostly moms that are constantly thinking about managing the million little details of parenting. The big things like feeding, bathing, transporting, teaching life lessons and such are fairly easy to share equitably. But the invisible work—keeping track of routine doctor and dentist appointments, communicating with teachers can caregivers, keeping extended family updated, figuring out what clothes to keep and get rid of as kids outgrow them, keeping the family calendar up-to-date, etc.—that's all part of the "mental load" of parenting that moms tend to carry, often without their partners even being aware they're doing it.

via GIPHY

That's why one dad's confession after getting a taste of solo parenting has gotten a huge reaction. Cedric Thompson, Jr., a former NFL player and dad of three daughters, shared a video explaining that he didn't really understand the mental load his wife was carrying until she went to visit family in the Philippines for eight days, leaving him home alone with the kids.

"I've been a single dad for 8 days because my wife is in the Philippines and I had no idea it was this tough," he said with a sleeping child cradled in his arms. He explained that he was prepared for the cleaning, the transporting kids back and forth, the unexpected sickness, the feeding, and the sleeping. "But one thing I was not prepared for was the mental load," he said. "I had no idea it felt like this. To think about things that need to be done that haven't been done or things that I need to plan to do is so draining that I don't even have the energy to take care of myself at all."

This is why dads need to step into moms' shoes once in a while

"And now that I understand this, I have so much empathy for my wife," he said, "and I truly understand what she means by this 'mental load' and how draining it is. This has really opened my eyes and made me ask myself, what more can I be doing? What has been going on that I haven't been seeing and it's right in front of me? How can I step up the way that my wife needs me to instead of doing things that I think are helping?"

"I know I can't always take the mental load away, but I can definitely make it lighter."

There's a significant difference between assisting and managing, and when you're the sole parent for a while, you're forced to take on the management role. Eight days isn't very long, but it's enough to get a taste of being the one who to think about all the things all day. It's a lot. As Thompson wrote in the caption, "The endless planning, remembering, and organizing is exhausting in ways I never understood before. The most profound lessons come when we walk in someone else’s shoes, even if just for a little while."

Some people asked what he's been doing this whole time when his wife is home, but it seems some of those folks might be missing the point. This is an involved dad and husband, not a slouch. But even those who want to and try to share the load equally don't always know how to help with the mental load of the default parent because it's mostly internal. And trying to explain it and figuring out how to ask for help with some of it just adds more work, not to mention we don't even always know ourselves what we need help with. Stepping into the shoes of the default parent is really the best way to get a feel for what might be helpful without adding more to their plate.

via GIPHY

The "mental load" is invisible, so it's nice to have it seen and validated

Some commenters weighed in with thoughts and tips for lightening the mental load;

"Pro tip: when your wife asks you what she should make for dinner, she’s trying to share the mental load with you. So just give her a straightforward answer."

"I love this…it’s called validation, empathy, and love🥰 Thank you for sharing this. The realization and verbalization of it makes the load lighter. Sometimes mental heaviness is worse than the physical."

"Really appreciate this post and how you explained yourself. The ‘mental load’ is that never-ending list running through our minds every single minute of the day. It’s the constant inner monologue of everything that needs to get done, the overwhelming pressure of how to get it all done, and the invisible timeline that gives you anxiety when you don’t meet it—even though you set those standards yourself.

It’s the feeling of failing if you don’t check every box. Walking into a room and forgetting why you’re there, only to lose your mind later when you finally remember—but now you’ve got ten other tasks at hand. It’s the frustration when you realize that everything you just cleaned is already dirty again.

Sometimes, it’s not even about what men do or don’t do; it’s the weight of our own thoughts that get to us. But when someone helps lighten that load, even just a little, it means everything."

"I love this. But to answer your question, the way you take the mental load away is you pretend you have to do it alone even when she comes back. Because that’s the reason she has mental load. Because she feels like she has to do most of it alone, even if you’re always there to “help”. That’s why I hate the word help. It implies that this is all her job. You’re doing well but keep digging deeper 💗 I do appreciate this post."

via GIPHY

What exactly does the parental "mental load" entail? Here's a partial list.

And yes, there is a need to go deeper. As one commenter pointed out, "You are operating the day to day under a structure she put in place," so a lot of the mental work was already done before she even left. And parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, so getting familiar with a specific list of "mental load" items that non-default parents might not think about can be helpful. Someone offered this helpful—if utterly daunting—list of some of those items:

Planning teacher gifts for the holidays and the end of school. - getting that parent’s contact info for that play date. - researching, budgeting, and scheduling summer activities and when to sign up for them the January/Feb prior. - finding that in network pediatric ophthalmologist for an eye appt. Research that new dentist, schedule your kids vaccines, review the medical records, schedule that well child visit. - researching, scheduling, and budgeting the school and extracurricular schedule in the summer for the fall and in October for the winter/spring. - making time to be the family historian (researching, budgeting, and scheduling a family photographer 2 times a year, researching how to pick/buy outfits for the whole family, selecting and printing any prints, creating and ordering a photo book, organizing photo files, and physically organizing keepsake storage).

Teaching your kids about their heritage with activities. Research your family tree. - be the memory maker and plan fun activities for the family. Book those theater tickets, schedule that museum trip, plan that day trip to hike that waterfall, plan that vacation, schedule 3 farm trips a year, prep for activities leading up to the holidays. - 4 times a year audit your household belongings. What do you need to sell? What do you need to donate? What remaining needs a better storage system? Research the products that will help you stay organized and buy them. follow home organizers on social media. - Check your kids shoes. How are they fitting? Research and order/consign new clothing. - trim your kids nails once a week and cut their hair as needed (or schedule their hair appt). - plan your kids birthday party 2 months in advance, research activities, food, party favors, and decor ideas. create the invites and send them out 5 weeks in advance. 2 weeks in advance order the cupcakes, decor, party outfit, and gift wrapping.

Check in with guests food allergies, rsvps, and buy the gifts. 1 week in advance wrap the gifts, assemble the party favors, and take some cute photos of the birthday kid in their special outfit. Pack a bin of supplies you’ll need for the day of the party (scissors, wire and cutters, tape, paper goods, trash bags, matches, etc). - buy those tickets to your kids concert. - keep that first aid kit stocked up. - keep up weekly with school/teacher correspondence and volunteer at your kids school. - back to school shopping. - holiday planning.

Buy Halloween costumes at the end of September, plan a pumpkin farm day trip. Schedule any Halloween parties. The weekend before carve pumpkins. Take pictures day of. Buy nutcracker tix in October/ November, plan gifts, budget, and order. Research decor ideas, get desired supplies, and make them in Nov. meal plan and coordinate with family for thanksgiving. Set up decor and buy gifts, Christmas outfits, and wrapping supplies Black Friday. Wrap gifts, take kids out separately to pick out presents for their siblings. Research and schedule holiday outings as a family. Take pictures. Design, order, and send cards. Meal plan. Coordinate with the relatives.

Buy valentines cards for your kids class at the end of Jan. - talk to your kids about safety and abuse prevention 2-6 times a year in addition to “as needed”. - read the latest parenting books, listen to parenting podcasts, follow parenting accounts on social media. - plan kids craft projects. - take your kids to the library and keep up with the borrowed books. rsvp, order, and wrap a birthday gift for all the kid birthday parties. Write a nice note in a card about the child. - write thank you notes after birthdays, end of school, end of activities, after the holidays, and as needed."

There you go. Not even an exhaustive list, but a solid start. Thanks to Ced for the reminder that more we start putting ourselves on other people's shoes as parents and partners, the better off the whole family will be.

You can follow Ced on Instagram here.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Frustrated dad says doctors treating men as 'clueless dads' needs to end

"I should ask mom, Dads never know."

Photo credit: Canva

It's assumed that dads don't know anything about their kids.

We've come a long way toward gender equality in the past century, but there's still a lot of room for improvement, especially when it comes to shared parenting roles.

Even in households where couples try for equitable distribution of responsibilities, one parent generally ends up as the "default parent"—the one who keeps track of things like clothing sizes and routine appointments and the one people look to first when they need to ask a question. Most of the time, moms are viewed as the default parent, whether or not that's actually the reality. And on the flip side of that, dads are often assumed to be disengaged and clueless about their kids.

A story shared by a dad on Reddit who shared a story about being dismissed by doctors during an emergency room visit highlights this issue:

"Went to the emergency with my son and wife, he had an emergency food allergic reaction. Dr comes in and looks at us both and says 'Mom come out and fill this paperwork, probably know more than Dad.' While my wife was out of the room filling out paperwork a different Dr came up with a medical wristband and asked me to check if the info was correct. Before I could finish checking the spelling of his name he pulled it back stating 'I should ask mom, Dads never know.' I do know everything though."

His frustration is understandable. This is a dad who is involved, engaged and knowledgeable about his kids. It's not okay for someone to just assume he wouldn't know anything. At the same time, there's a reason for the assumption, as unjust as it feels for this father.

Medical professionals explained that dads not knowing their kids' information is a genuine problem

For responsible dads, this may be a hard pill to swallow, but according to doctors, nurses and other medical professionals, the stereotype of the clueless dad is alarmingly close to reality. A lot of dads don't know their kids' birth dates, full name spelling or important health information like allergies. In fact, some doctors shared that a surprising number of men don't even know anything about their own health history or conditions, instead relying on their wives to keep track of those things.

"I work in a medical field. I never assume the father knows nothing and I’ve met many fathers who were involved and knew all the relevant information. But I’ve also met fathers who genuinely didn’t know their kid’s birthday or when their last check up was or if they had any allergies. I’ve also met fathers who looked at me like I was mad for expecting them to know this. I’ve only ever met one mother like that."

"ER nurse here. Although it's unacceptable for them to assume dad is clueless, I understand why they do it. I can't tell you how many kids I've checked in with dad who doesn't even know their birthday, how old they are, or why they even brought them in. On the other hand, mom knows everything about the kid 99.9% of the time. That being said, I would never just dismiss dad right to his face. That's very rude."

"I guess you’d be surprised how many dads don’t know the answers to basic medical questions like DOB, allergies, height, weight. It’s super common, and yes, quite disheartening."

man looking confusedApparently a lot of dads don't know much of their kids' basic info.Photo credit: Canva

"I recently started working in healthcare and it is shocking. I expected that sort of disinterest from older, more traditional parents, but they’re my age or younger. I just falsely believed that our generation would be better about stuff like that."

"When any parent (almost always dad) doesn’t know the answer to something like a birthday or medical complaint, I don’t just laugh it off like some of my coworkers do. I want them to look me right in the eye and tell me that they don’t remember their kid’s birthday. I’m polite about it, but I’m certainly not saying 'it’s okay, don’t worry about it.' They should know."

"Same. I've also had male patients who have no clue on what's going on with themselves health wise and just straight up tell me to ask their wife.

They have zero clue on what meds they are taking, what those meds are for, what surgeries they've had in the past or why... it's like they don't think this information is important enough for them to know? So of course these guys wouldn't be able to tell you a thing about their own kids when they nothing about their own health. There are men who aren't this way of course. But too goddamn many of them have zero pertinent information in their skulls."

"The stereotype doesn't exist for no reason. I encountered so many dads who don't know their kid's DOB, social, allergies, medical history, immunizations, medications, school info, teachers, daily habits (like bedtime or diet), and so on.

Even worse they would sometimes lie or minimize rather than admit they don't know.

Sometimes they would eventually say stuff like 'Well the doctors said it's asthma but I think he just doesn't like running for sports' or 'He used to have some weird allergy thing, I don't know what it was, but it's better now' and the wife would shout 'YEAH IT'S BETTER BECAUSE HE TAKES 6 PILLS A DAY FOR IT.' I rarely encountered this behavior with mothers.

Sorry you were judged based on the actions of others. That sucks and it's not fair. Doctors have to be very pragmatic though and they will cut to the most reliable source of info, which is usually mom."

It's not just ignorant dads who perpetuate the problem.

Men definitely need to step up their game here, but that's not the only change that needs to happen. Society's low expectations and assumptions that moms are the only ones in the know also need to shift so that dads who do step up aren't fighting an uphill battle of their own.

"What's frustrating is that people essentially help to make the stereotype true when they default to the mom for things. My wife tends to know better about what's going on with the kids at school and their extracurricular activities, but it's because teachers/staff/whoever will prefer to reach out to her about things first, and maybe sometimes I'll be included in an email here and there. Even when my name has been listed first on their contact info, my wife is the first choice to contact about most anything…

dad with child at doctorNot all dads are clueless about their kids, however.Photo credit: Canva

"And you know what? My wife hates it that she's the one always being contacted about everything. That's why we usually list me first or as the primary contact whenever they want parent contact information. 95% of the time, they still default to mom. I'm not stupid and aloof. My wife isn't always available to read emails and respond to things in a timely manner. She doesn't want to always be available. I don't want to always be available either, but I'm available the vast majority of the time."

"My husband is a stay at home dad. When the kid was in public school we had him as contact. Even called and had them make sure they noted it. They still always would call me first.""I'm a dad who generally knows more about the children in these situations than the mom, so I completely get the frustration. It’s prejudice, pure and simple. And I dislike the dads that helped establish that stereotype. My dad didn’t fit the stereotype either."

"My husband was a stay at home dad when our kids were younger, everyone knew (school, other parents), but still they always tried to reach me first if e.g one of the kids was sick and had to be picked up, to arrange for playdates and so on. 'Thanks, let me try and reach husband because I'm at work and at least 1hr drive away, I can't really speak to what he can/can't do right now.'

Will admit that sometimes I do the exact same with other moms in similar positions, even though I'm aware, ugh. Typical gender role expectations are so ingrained into all of us somehow, even if we don't like it ourselves. I hope the next generation will be less stuck in their expectations."

Should we celebrate dads who actually keep track of their kids' basic info? For now, yes.

It may seem silly to praise dads for something as basic as knowing their own kids' birthday, but considering how many stories of clueless dads were in that thread, it seems to be warranted. Having low expectations and complaining about them doesn't seem to help, so maybe celebrating dads who defy the stereotype will help raise the standard.

"See the glass as half full—as a Dad (I am), if you have even the first clue about any of this stuff you get a gold star for trying when, in the exact same circumstances, they’d probably be calling CPS on the mom. And if you meet the 'mom' standard, you’re on your way to the Nobel Prize for Dadding."

"Dad's like you are amazing. My dad was The Dad. He bought me pads and tampons when needed. He knew when I needed a break from my mom and brothers. He would take me out of school to go fishing or hunting. He was the first person to hold his grandson, and he cut his umbilical cord. He made many mistakes but being my father is not one of them.

My father became my dad when I was 3 years old. He is my example of what a man and father should be."

Finally, someone summed up the gist of the issue: "Nobody wins in the patriarchy." Not moms, not dads, not kids. So kudos to the original poster for pointing out an unfair prejudice, the commenters who explained where it comes from and everyone working to change the status quo. Hopefully conversations like this will help us make more progress on that front.

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Woman sparks dialogue after saying she doesn't take advice from men no matter how successful

"I tend to take their advice with a grain of salt," says Paige Connell.

Courtesy of Paige Connell

Woman says she doesn't take advice from men.

Being a woman comes with certain expectations, no matter where in the world you live. Becoming a mother adds another layer to those expectations, with traditional society often not considering the impact on the woman experiencing that shift. For instance, many women work outside of the home and are still expected to be the one who figures out which childcare center would be best.

Women are also often expected to put their careers on hold to stay at home if it's decided that outside childcare isn't feasible. Sure, some dads may do the heavy lifting in this area, but that's not a societally expected thing. Because these things are typically expected of women, men don't generally have to consider many of the logistics of children if they're partnered with a woman.

Paige Connell sparked a conversation when she shared on social media that she doesn't take advice from men, even if it's their job. On the surface that sounds harsh, even though she clarifies that she considers the advice but takes it with a big grain of salt, and her reasoning involves the invisible labor aspect.

"I do not tend to take a lot of advice from men, even the most successful men. And I mean advice in the form of self-help books, podcasts from successful men or just men in general. I tend to take their advice with a grain of salt because I do not think it is applicable to women and mothers in particular," Connell share before revealing her reasoning.

In the video she shares that she was recently listening to "The Diary of a CEO" podcast where the man talked about all the risks he took, including moving from Connecticut where his young child and ex-girlfriend live to New York. Connell pointed out through the entire episode detailing his risks and upward mobility, he never mentioned his child, which caused her to surmise that it was because childcare concerns weren't a part of his journey.


@sheisapaigeturner I do not often take advice from men, even the most successful of men, because the common thread is usually that they were able to become successful, because there was a woman standing beside them, or behind them, supporting them. Without acknowledging this, the advice means very little because women often don’t have men standing besides them, or behind them to support them. #caseyneistat #diaryofaceo #millennialmom #workingmom #wfhmom #corporatemom #successfulwomen ♬ original sound - Paige


She continued explaining how the burden of childcare tends to fall on women, working and nonworking, allowing the male parent to be free to corporate climb uninhibited by the worry. Connell shares that she prefers to listen to professionally successful moms because they share the help needed with childcare and how they navigated these spaces being the default parent. Others agreed to much of what she was saying.

"I came to a similar conclusion…I have read quite a few books of men going on their 'hero’s journey' where they did all these extravagant endeavors and eventually found success or enlightenment. But nothing about how a mother deep in the trenches of child raising is the [true] hero’s journey. Motherhood can chew you up and spit you out. A mother dies a million deaths and finds strength to continue to show up for her child day and night. Motherhood changes and refines us. No mother goes unchanged after motherhood. It is late nights and isolation. The flames of motherhood, the true hero’s journey," one person revealed, describing her own experience of realization.

"I love that you talk about it. Also all the so called geniuses, poets, writers, great personalities were able to accomplish all they did because their wives babysat their 8 kids at that time," someone else sighed in frustration.

"Couldn’t agree more. It’s the equivalent of men being able to work late, work weekends, put in the face time, to get ahead - whilst someone else is looking after their children," another wrote.

"I remember reading one comment in the daily routine of a successful writer. He had four kids and yet he could write for 6 hours daily during the day. Never once mentions his household manager, cook, cleaner, nanny—his wife," a commenter pointed out.

What do you think? Should more women be talking about this reality when it comes to the success of their male partners?

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Feel like a nag? Expert shares how couples can beat the 'nag paradox' and work together.

"You’re not a nag for wanting partnership."

via Laura Danger (used with permission) and RDNE Stock Project/Pexels

Domestic labor expert, Laura Danger explains how to beat the 'nag paradox'.

Is there one person in your household who makes most of the domestic decisions and then delegates tasks to a support member? If so, then you’re probably familiar with the “nag paradox,” even if you’ve never heard it explained that way.

More often than not, in heterosexual relationships, wives carry the domestic mental load and the husband is a support member taking orders. Eventually, this dynamic can become toxic when the wife has to tell the husband repeatedly to do a task, or it isn’t accomplished to her liking.

This can leave the wife feeling rejected and vulnerable. It can also make the husband feel criticized, so he gets defensive and calls his wife a nag.

Laura Danger, a mother of two in Chicago, Illinois, is a licensed educator, certified coach, and content creator who counsels couples on emotional labor and explains the origins of this problem.

"Women are more likely to have grown up facing the pressure to perform household tasks than men," she told Upworthy. "There's a lot of cultural messaging about how women are naturally better at managing the household. The creep of imbalance isn't always an active or malicious choice. Household inequity is the norm in our society, and we've been taught that list-making and taking direction is the way to solve it, rather than collaborating."

She recently released a video that perfectly explains this paradox and how it affects partners differently.

What is the Nag Paradox?youtu.be

"The nag paradox is that very tricky and very common household dynamic where one person manages more of the mental load and is making more of the decisions around the logistics of the household," Danger explains. "And the other person is playing a support role, or is in a position of taking directions, or only giving periodic feedback."

She continues to say that the nag paradox is a “trap” because the person in charge of the decision-making process is attempting to connect with their partner, who may get defensive from being told what to do or critiqued for their performance. “The idea of nagging is that somebody’s upset about something that doesn’t matter. Domestic labor matters. Connecting with your partner matters. You’re not a nag for wanting partnership,” she says in the video.

She adds that a big problem with the nag paradox is that it can easily lead to two dangerous behaviors, “criticism” and “defensiveness,” known by influential psychologist John Gottman as the 2 of the Four Horsemen, or behaviors that can lead to the end of a relationship.

“It’s a setup for both people because, after a while, you don’t want to be vulnerable,” Danger continues. “You don’t want to open yourself up to that feeling of ‘I can’t do anything right’ … and the other person is saying, ‘I feel like I’m constantly being rejected.’”



So, how do couples overcome the paradox? On her blog, Danger says it’s all about taking time to connect and both partners understanding that domestic labor is a serious issue.

“Meet weekly and use this time to set standards, trade tasks and take your household seriously,” Danger wrote. “The resentment of one person managing more of the mental load, making more decisions and being put into the position of delegating, making decisions and giving guidance can be solved by doing the opposite! Work together. Be open and curious! You’re partners! Clear communication and some preventative care.”

She shared an instance where a couple she worked with broke the cycle by working together and communicating clearly.

"One couple I worked with had one partner who had a high-stress job that kept them away from home for long hours, and the other stayed home with their two kids. The breadwinner felt helpless when they came home and tried to help because it never felt like it was enough," she told Upworthy. "The stay-at-home parent felt alone in decision-making and felt like they were pestering their spouse. They broke the cycle by deciding a few tasks that the breadwinner's spouse could jump in and handle without feedback and agreed on expectations. Then, the stay-at-home parent stepped back and trusted the other to do what they committed to."

"They created a list of favorite meals, shopped for the kids' clothes online and planned their annual trip together," she continued. "Finding opportunities to make decisions together as a team and getting clear on expectations limited the frequency of one telling the other what to do. They would never get to an equal split, but their resentment broke down when they traded the nag paradox for collaboration."

Smoothing over resentment and building a relationship where both partners work together can be challenging, but Danger tells Today.com that it’s worth the effort.

"If you're already emotionally or mentally exhausted, it can feel like too big a battle to wage,” she said. “But it is worth it! If you want to have a relationship that's better or more balanced in the long run, it's worth doing."

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