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Chaplain who comforted thousands of dying people reveals their most common regret

It's a great lesson that we could all learn from.

via Tampa General Hospital and Canva/Photos

Chaplain J.S. Park and a man on his deathbed.

The regrets of the dying are tragedies for those who are leaving this world. However, for the living, they can be valuable lessons on how to live a happy and meaningful life that benefits others. That way, when we reach the end, we can do so peacefully, knowing that we got the most out of this one lifetime.

Joon Park, who goes by J.S. Park on social media, is a chaplain at Tampa General Hospital who describes himself as a “grief catcher” and is the author of “As Long as You Need: Permission to Grieve.” He has sat at the bedsides of thousands of people who are in the process of passing away, and that’s given him a very unique perspective on life. He knows the greatest gift to give to the dying is listening so they can feel heard before they leave this world.

What’s the biggest regret of the dying?

He told CNN that in his conversations with the dying, there is one regret that he hears the most: “I only did what everyone else wanted, not what I wanted.”

“Many of us near the end realize we were not able to fully be ourselves in life – we had to hide to survive,” he continued. “It was not always our fault. Sometimes, our resources, the systems, and culture around us did not allow us to. My hope is always to fully see and hear this patient, who is now finally free. ”

dying, hospice, j.s. parkA man in the final moments of his life.via Canva/Photos

It must feel terrible to walk through life feeling like a square peg in a round hole, having a job you don’t like, a spouse who doesn’t understand you, or having to live up to standards that you didn’t create. It’s upsetting that many people experience this, and Park’s advice reminds us to ask ourselves a serious question: Am I living my life or the life someone else has chosen for me?

Park said that people's most common fear towards the end of their lives is whether their loved ones will be okay after they’re gone.

“Will my loved ones be OK without me? Who will look after Mom? Who will take my dad to the doctor? How will my son and daughter get along without me? Even my patients who are most at peace with their dying are still anxious about how their own death will affect their family,” he says. The fear shows that even when people are ready to leave this world, they never stop caring for those closest to them.

“This is almost an empathic anticipatory grief, experiencing the grief of the other person’s future loss. We are so connected that often we worry about how other people will be affected by our own death,” Park said.


How to know if you're living your own life

How do we know if we are living our own life and not that of others? It’s a big question, but according to Follow Your Own Rythm, a great place to start is to stop letting fear or society’s expectations dictate your path. Instead, express yourself freely, follow your passions, live by your core values, and spend time with yourself, touching base with your thoughts and feelings. You’ll know you’re living your life when it begins to feel more harmonious and authentic.

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The haunting final messages people have received from significant others and the deceased

Every relationship has a final text.

via Imgur

"Why does it sound like you're leaving?"

In every relationship we'll ever have, there's going to be a final conversation. Before the digital age, these interactions were usually face-to-face or over the telephone and could only be recorded in our memories. But now, just about every relationship leaves a paper trail of text messages, social media interactions, and voice messages. Sometimes the final communication is a heated breakup, and other times, it's a casual interaction shortly before a person's death.

A few years ago, there was a Tumblr blog that collected these haunting final messages. The Last Message Received contains submissions of the last messages people received from ex-friends or ex-significant others as well as from deceased friends and relatives. The last post was in 2021. Here are some of the blog's most haunting posts.

"My good friend's dad died around Thanksgiving. Two weeks later he drank himself to death."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes we don't know it's the last conversation.

Tumblr|TheLastMessage Received

"This is the last text I got from my mom before she died of Stage IV brain cancer at the age of 53. It left her completely paralyzed on the left side of her body, hence the typos in the texts. What she was saying was, 'You're missing music therapy.' Almost as good as Good Friday church giggles.' A few years prior to this, we went to the Good Friday service at our church. The choir was absolutely horrendous and couldn't sing whatsoever. She and I sat there, in the most serious, somber church service of all, laughing hysterically, unable to stop for the life of us. She sent me this text while she was in hospice and I was at school."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes the last message is a happy one.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"This happened a few months back. He was my best friend and my boyfriend of 7 years. He stuck with me when I fell pregnant at 16 after I was raped. He became an actual dad to my son. He was my everything. A few months before this message, things started to change, we drifted apart and he was telling my 5 year old son to lie to me about his whereabouts. One night he beat me, I ended up in hospital for a few days. He begged for forgiveness, I stayed. It happened again a few days later, he was at work when I text him. I took my son and left. This is the last text I received from him. I heard last week that he's just been sent to prison for crimes involving violence and drugs. I hope he gets the help he needs."

screenshot of a text conversation.

Sometimes the last message is abrupt.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"My dad died 6 weeks later flying the plane in this picture."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes the last message is simple and innocuous.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"The last text he sent me. The next day I got a call from his daughter that he was still very much with his wife and I wasn't the only one he was cheating on her with."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes there's no indication anything is wrong.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"She had sent me a message earlier asking me not to contact her anymore. I woke up to one last message. We'd dated for 3.5 years and when I came out as trans, the relationship fell apart. I still think about and miss her every day."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes you know it's the end.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived


"I sent this to my grandpa on thanksgiving. Two days later he unexpectedly had a heart attack and passed. He was my favorite person in the world and nothing has been the same since. I refuse to delete this message."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes the last message is a simple holiday wish.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"I would have fallen in love with her if distance and timing hadn't gotten in the way. I'm ignoring her because I need to let her move on."

screenshot of a text message

Sometimes the last message is a call out that goes unanswered.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

We don't always know when the last time is the last time. Moving forward, let's be sure to be honest, open, and communicative with the ones we love.

This article originally appeared five years ago.


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Thousands of people explained why they're not afraid of dying. Here are their top reasons.

These perspectives might help some people who have a fear of death.

Photo credit: Canva

Fear of death is very common.

Most of us are at least a little bit afraid of dying, or at least not exactly excited about the idea. Self-preservation is a natural instinct, after all, and there's obviously nothing wrong with wanting to live. But there's a difference between wanting to live and being terrified of dying, especially since the latter can have a negative impact on your life. In some cases, fear of death can stop you from fully living—an unfortunately ironic conundrum.

Some fear the dying process itself and whatever pain or suffering they think might go along with that. Some fear the basic idea of no longer existing or the unknown of what, if anything, comes next. Some people fear the death of a loved one more than their own. An extreme fear of death that affects a person's daily life is called thanatophobia, and the Cleveland Clinic estimates that 3% to 10% of the population struggles with it.

Of course, if someone has a debilitating phobia, professional therapy is recommended. However, a person with a less clinical fear of dying may benefit from shifting how they look at and think about death. What's the secret of those who aren't afraid of dying? Thousands of people who don't fear death weighed in on why, and their answers may provide some unconsidered perspective for those stymied by the inescapable reality that their life on Earth will eventually end.

Here are the most popular reasons people said they don't fear dying.

from AskReddit

They are truly living life to its fullest

"Given the hand that I was dealt, I've a lived a life that I am proud of. If I die tomorrow, I know I was a good person who did his best."

"This is absolutely how I feel. I am lucky to finally reach a state of awareness that I didn’t know existed for a longass time. How I see it, everything after this is a bonus. Gotta try to enjoy it, spread as much love and joy as people are willing to receive, and do my best to keep learning and growing (mostly because it brings me fulfillment).

I still don’t want to die yet. But I’m also not afraid of dying like I used to be."

"100% death is something to be acknowledged, reflected upon, respected, and celebrated in a manner that anticipates the unknown. I’m not 'rushing or looking forward to death,' but when it does happen, I’ve lived a full life chasing happiness. No regrets. I feel I made the best choices I could, and lived an honest and wild life. Life is such a wild belle curve, and I’m overly thankful and excited for the persimmons randomly given to me to try as I am about something outrageously fantastic. Finding happiness in the smallest gifts sincerely brings so much peace to my soul."

Living a long life isn't always desirable

"I've seen old age, dementia, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. Dying while still yourself is a good life, and is rather be around for a good time, not a long time."

"Ending up with Alzheimer's or dementia is more terrifying to me than either death or a painful one."

"Yep. As a caregiver for the elderly I totally agree with this. Watching the people you love literally become shells of themselves because of those diseases is one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever experienced in my life."

"This is my fear after watching a relative with pretty much pieces falling off of them for years while continually being offered life lengthening treatments. Finally a point came where he said no, enough is enough. This is the position that I absolutely do not ever wish to find myself in. His family is still in therapy from being a part of this long, drawn out, horrific process."

Death means rest

"I see death as rest. Life is exhausting, and at some point, we all deserve a break."

"100% my grandpa who fought in WW2 was in his 90s and would always say he was tired of living, but the doctors just kept keeping him alive. He said he lived a great life; just wanted to sleep."

"I was given last rites as a cancer patient in the ICU when I had sepsis a few years ago. I've recovered, but I remember very distinctly that being close to death felt like going 'home' ... mostly because the pain lifted. It was honestly like I'd imagine it felt in the womb. I didn't mind it at all."

"I feel this way, too. Just a sweet rest. I’m just a bit disappointed I won’t be aware of it."

Giving up control and accepting the inevitable

"I only fear a long painful one. I don’t fear what after. It’s gotta be either nothingness or everythingness."

"Because once you’re dead you don’t worry about being dead."

"Because I have no control over it and no reason to think it's unpleasant."

"I was dead for billions of years. Didn't bother me the first time."

"There's only a few things guaranteed in life, and death is one. I have no control over it, so I'm chugging along hoping and trying to be the best person I can be. I feel like I'm failing half the time, but I'm still going."

"Death is as natural as birth. I do not fear the inevitable."

'We sleep every night with no absolute certainty that we'll wake up, yet we don't fear it. I see this as death's training wheels."

Being okay with leading a not-so-notable life

"I'm not actively seeking it, and while there are life choices I would have made differently given the chance, I'm not going to allow myself to be burdened with regret if death approaches. I came from nothing, I'll return to nothing.

Studying history, in any given period of time, there are only a few hundred people of notability out of millions of humans. My insignificance to the passage of time or progress of humanity bothered me when I was younger, but I've come to peace that given the laws of probability, I was always more likely to be among the marginal millions (billions) than the notable few. Moreover, I made a conscious choice that what it takes to be among the notable few would compromise my interests and values too much. I'd have to give up family, passions, ethics, or something else I hold dear."

"What I also find interesting is even the most notable humans in history will one day be forgotten. Nothing humans do or achieve is permanent in the big picture of the universe. Take from that what you will. For me, it allows me to breathe and relax. I suppose some people will use that as justification for doing horrible things in the world. I don’t. I still strive to be the best version of myself."

"I also find a lot of value in appreciating that even if my name isn't remembered in history books, the kindness I show others - often just those in my immediate orbit, it's not like I have a huge platform or following - has a rippling effect that never really ends. Even if I just inspire another random citizen to do something kind, or thoughtful, or brave - that's a behavior that may never have come into our world had it not been for my actions. And then what might THAT person's actions inspire? How far will that chain reaction go? Recognizing that you truly can't even quantify the true impacts of your goodness helped me appreciate that doing good in my daily life is enough. Sure, I might not catch the attention of the press or historians, but I know I have inspired positive change in this world that reaches wider than I will ever know, and that is enough for me to keep trying."

Near death experiences changing their perspective

"Near death experience moved me from 'I’m scared of death' to 'hm, was that it?'"

"I had one of those. A complete calm came over me and I just thought, 'Ah, so this is how I die.'"

"Yes, almost died, kind of did die because my heart stopped a few times and came back on its own. Postpartum pre eclampsia. At first there was panic like, oh my god I'm gonna die and worrying about my babies. Then it was just calm. Like, this is fine. Very peaceful."

"I had a similar sensation when I almost died giving birth to my daughter. I was bleeding excessively during a cesarean and could feel myself slipping away as I continually lost and regained consciousness. I felt very peaceful. I knew my child would be loved and everything would be ok and that I could rest."

"I also almost died of sepsis/organ failure after ruptured appendix… there was 3 days of uncertainty if I would live. All I remember was peace. Felt like everything was right. I felt the presence of everyone Iv ever known who is dead which I still question… people I would never have been thinking about. Then when I was actually coming back to myself I became more and more fearful… possibility of being on dialysis forever or leaving loved ones behind. Changed me for sure."

"That’s how I felt after my motorcycle accident. That’s the closest I had come to death and still don’t know how long I was out for. Glad to still be here but death no longer scares me."

See more responses here.

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Hospice nurse reassures people worried by recent footage of Jimmy Carter at 100

Carter has been in hospice care for nearly 2 years.

via Hospice Nurse Julie and Commonwealth Club/Wikimedia Commons

Julie McFadden and former President Jimmy Carter.

Former President Jimmy Carter is known for being one of the most beloved former presidents in American history for his resolve to use his talents to help others, whether it was eradicating the Guinea worm or his work with Habitat for Humanity into his late 90s. Carter says that his faith is the big reason for his resilience. “I have one life and one chance to make it count for something,” he said. “My faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.”

The man who held the presidency from 1977 to 1981 went into hospice in February 2023 but has lived much longer than most expected. Carter has made 2 public appearances in that time, the first in November 2023 for the funeral of his wife of 77 years, Rosalynn and on October 1, 2024 for his 100th birthday. When Carter was wheeled into his wife’s funeral, some family members expressed shock and worry about Cartter’s appearance.

Since beginning hospice care, Carter has appeared frail and gaunt without expression and mouth agape. It shouldn’t be shocking for a person who has reached the age of 100 to appear so fragile, but it’s right to be concerned that he may be uncomfortable in such a state. However, Julie McFadden, also known as Hospice Nurse Julie, settled a lot of people’s fears in a TikTok video where she explained Carter’s appearance and why he’s most likely comfortable during his transition.

McFadden has assisted over a hundred people in their final days and is the author of the bestseller, "Nothing to Fear."

@hospicenursejulie

#greenscreenvideo #greenscreen Jimmy Carters 100th birthday! #hospicenursejulie #hospicenurse #jimmycarter #education

What is Jimmy Carter's condition?

“I have been tagged in this Jimmy Carter turns 100 years old today video,” she begins her viral TikTok with over 600,00 views. “So many times people asking me, why does he look like this? Is he okay? Does this mean anything? As a hospice nurse, this video was not alarming to me. Jimmy Carter, to me, looks just like someone who was 100 years old on hospice and getting towards the end of their life.”

She then speculated on what his life is like at age 100. “Jimmy Carter is likely sleeping 20 to 22 hours a day. He is likely not really eating and drinking, which is all normal and to be expected at the end of life. So that's why he looks so thin. He looks cachectic. His body is slowly shutting down and the more we just let his body be the guide, the better he will be.”

A lot of people are concerned about the way that Carter’s mouth seems to be permanently open. McFadden says that is due to muscle wasting. “His mouth is hanging open because it takes muscles to keep your mouth shut. And at the end of life, those muscles relax. So he is likely so relaxed that when he's sleeping, which is most of the time, even when he's in a wheelchair, he's asleep, and his muscles relax, so his mouth hangs open.”



McFadden also addressed many people's concerns: Should Carter have been brought outside to celebrate his birthday with his family in such an advanced state? Should he have been in front of the cameras?

“In my opinion, it's up to the family. The family knows that person best,” McFadden said. “From what we know of Jimmy Carter, he was a family man who loved being around his family. So why not be around him and celebrate his one hundred? One-hundredth birthday and bring family around, bring him outside. They know his personality. They must think he would love this. So let's do it. We don't have to keep dying people hidden away.”

McFadden is such an incredible gift because we tend to lock away the dying and talking about death and hospice is a very uncomfortable topic for most. This lack of information leads us to believe that someone in Carter’s position suffers. But, according to McFadden, he’s probably comfortable and relaxed. McFadden knows that when people better understand Carter’s condition, they will probably feel better about their final days as well.


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