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Education

Dating expert says to 'stop chasing the spark' and ask these 8 post-date questions instead

Dating "like a scientist" can apparently save you a lot of headaches and heartaches. Here's how.

Photo credit: Canva

Dating is hard. But this can help make it easier.

Sure, it’s amazing when we go on a date and instantly hit it off with another person. But let’s be honest, that doesn’t always happen. And that can be for myriad reasons which don’t necessarily indicate a lack of romantic potential—nerves, having an off day, feeling self conscious, etc.

This is part of what can make dating, especially frequent dating, so frustrating. It’s easy to know what to do after a terrible date—never see that person again. Done. But those somewhere-in-the-middle dates, the ones that don’t rise to rom-com level but still manage to be pleasant enough…how do you effectively assess those?

According to one expert, it all comes down to eight simple questions.

While appearing on the Diary of a CEO podcast, behavioral scientist Logan Ury (who also happens to be the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge) shared how so many people approach dating by doing what she called “relation-shopping.”

Ury likened it to shopping for a pair of bluetooth headphones, saying, “you log onto Amazon and you say ‘okay I want ones that are this color, this weight, this battery life.’ And you start to think ‘oh, I can shop for a partner the same way.’”

But that strategy doesn’t work, Ury noted, because it doesn't focus on how both partners interact together, and it enables a person to make judgments based on assumptions. Ury used the example of not wanting to date someone whose parents were divorced because they “must not know how to be in a great relationship.”

Instead, Ury encouraged people to “date like a scientist.” Which of course means testing theories, remaining open to being wrong, and of course, asking questions.

With that, here is the “post-date eight” checklist you can use to evaluate whether or not a person is right for you:

1) What side of me did this person bring out?

2) How did my body feel during the day? Stiff, relaxed, or somewhere in between?

3) Do I feel more or less energized than I did before the date?

4) Is there something about them that makes me curious?

5) Did they make me laugh?

6) Did I feel heard?

7) Did I feel desire in their presence?

8) Did I feel captivated, bored or somewhere in between?

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Part of what makes the post date eight so effective, according to Ury, is how it “trains you to tune into your experience” and treat the date as though it were a “job interview.” Ury also notes that the first question is particularly important, because "whoever that person brings out in you is who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship and don't you want to be the happy, secure, desired, hilarious version of yourself?"

Fair point, Ury. Fair point.

Lastly, Ury encouraged folks that feeling an instant “spark” truly isn’t everything. In fact, they often burn out. “Slow burn” connections, on the other hand, often denote secure, long lasting partnerships.

The post-date eight can therefore act as a “new barometer,” retraining your brain to stop chasing “initial chemistry,” (and therefore avoid the “anxious-avoidant loop” that comes with it) and instead gauge whether or not "interest is gaging upwards.”

This new way of dating might not work as a movie plot. But for real life…it does sound promising.

relationships
Identity

An open letter to men who will have sex with me but won't date me

"It's one thing if you're not into fat women — everyone has their preferences — but if you want to have sex with us without being seen in public with us, that's emotionally abusive."


Many years before I got together with my boyfriend, I had a sex thing with this guy that I thought was relationship material.

He not only had an amazing body but a great personality as well. I was honest when I met him that I was looking for something more than just sex, and he led me to believe that was what he wanted, too.

Between mind-blowing sex sessions, we ordered in, played video games, and watched movies — couple things but without the label. But when I tried to get him to go to a show or out to dinner with me, he refused. My frustration grew as the months went on, and one day I confronted him.

"Why don't we ever go anywhere?"

"We have everything we need here," he answered while simultaneously distracting me by caressing my shoulder blades.

"We actually don't," I said. "I'm hungry, let's check out that new Indian place around the corner."

"No! We might run into one of my buddies," he said, moving his body further away from me. The underlining meaning was clear — he couldn't take the chance that someone he knew would see him with me.

He needed to keep our relationship on the DL so that no one would ever suspect that he enjoyed spending time with me — a fat woman.

He was super fit, so obviously that's the kind of woman he wanted to be associated with, the kind he could be seen with at the Indian place.

When I realized he was ashamed of being seen with me, I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach — a place where much of my pain already resided.

To him, I was fuckable but not dateable. He dumped me soon after that conversation.

He did me a favor by not continuing to lead me on. Otherwise, I might still be trying to prove to him that I was worth any shit he might have gotten from other people. If I was still his secret shame, I might not have met my next boyfriend, so thanks, athletic asshole.

I had hoped that, in this age of body positivity, men would no longer need to hide their desires when it comes to fat women.

But I was wrong.

It's just a sad fact: Many men who are sexually attracted to fat women are ashamed of it.

They're OK with banging a fat girl, but they don't want to hang out with her — someone might judge them for it.

It's one thing if you're not into fat women — everyone has their preferences, and not every body type appeals to everyone. But if you find larger women hot and you want to have sex with them without being associated in public with them, that's emotionally abusive.

Everyone should have the freedom to express their desires openly (as long as there's consent from both parties). If you modify your behavior and wants to what you think will protect you from criticism and/or ridicule, then you need help because that kind of self-loathing will only grow until it has destroyed you.

Don't act like we're in a relationship if all you really want is to experience what sex with a fat woman is like.

I'll tell you what it's like: It's as amazing and fun as having sex with anyone who's into having sex with you. We don't have magic vaginas, and our breasts don't do any special tricks — well besides the usual, like feed or comfort people.

Fat women are just as hot and sexually gifted as women of other shapes, sizes, and abilities. Being fat doesn't mean we're so hungry for attention that we'll put our own needs aside and do whatever we can to rock your world.

If you're with someone who doesn't make you feel beautiful or who isn't proud to have you on their arm, you need to dump their ass.

Being alone is far better than compromising on what you deserve or being made to feel as if you're someone's big dirty secret.

You're not only dateable, you're lovable and worthy of being treated with respect and love.

I regret not standing up for myself when I discovered the athletic guy was only using me for sex. But at least I learned, as we all should learn, that I'm responsible for being my biggest advocate and to never accepting anything less than what I need.


This article was written by Christine Schoenwald and originally appeared on 06.29.18

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Joy

Gen Z and Millenials reveal their red flags, and here are the folks who aren't getting dates

Young people are very specific about what they want in a partner.

via Mikhail Nilov/Pexels and SofieKay/TikTok

A woman into Tarot cards and a lady shocked her boyfriend likes Joe Rogan.

The numbers are stacked against young men when it comes to finding love on dating apps. They outnumber women 2 to 1 on the platforms, making the competition pretty tough. A new study finds that they’ll make things even harder for themselves if they admit to listening to the "Joe Rogan Experience” podcast in their profiles.

A new poll by Change Research surveyed 1,033 registered voters between 18 and 34 to ask about their political leanings and dating preferences. It discovered that women's biggest red flag when looking for a relationship is a date revealing they’re a MAGA Republican, with 76% of women saying it’s a turnoff. The second biggest red flag for women is people who “have no hobbies” (66%), and the third is those who say “All Lives Matter” (60%).

Fifty-five percent of women say it’s a big turnoff for potential partners to listen to the Rogan podcast. They also have a problem with people who “refuse” to see the “Barbie” movie (53%).

When it comes to men between the ages of 18 and 34, the biggest turn-off is people who identify as “communist” (64%), and they also have problems with those who have no hobbies (60%) as well as MAGA Republicans (59%).

Other turnoffs for men include being interested in astrology (41%) and saying “All Lives Matter” (41%).

Interestingly, people with no hobbies are a big red flag to people of both men and women. The common assumption is that people with no real hobbies or interests will rely on their partners to bring fun into their lives. Also, a lack of hobbies can mean a person lacks passion and may not have many personal goals.

When it comes to having too many hobbies, both men and women agree that it isn’t a big problem. The poll found that only 8% of women believe that having too many hobbies is a red flag and 6% of men agreed.

change research, dating red flags, dating green flags

Red flags in relationships graphic.

via Change Research

When it comes to green flags in a relationship, both men and women overwhelmingly agreed that they are very interested in potential partners who read. Ninety-five percent of women and 91% of men saw reading as a green flag. So, if you’re crafting an online dating profile, you may want to show some photos of you reading a book or list some of the books you’ve read recently.

They also agree that they are interested in people who research the best deals and rates before buying things. Eighty-eight percent of women listed being a smart consumer as a green flag, and men were close behind at 85%. Men (63%) and women (51%) also agreed it’s a green flag when someone looks better in person than in photos online.

change research, dating red flags, dating green flags

Green flags in relationships graphic.

via Change Research

Those of you looking to be in the dating pool during the upcoming presidential election should know there is a discrepancy between the genders regarding political affiliation among the 18 to 34 crowd. Although most people in this age range are moderate to liberal politically, there is a significant difference between genders.

This article originally appeared on 9.14.23

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Humor

People list reasons they've broken things off with someone and they're hilariously unhinged

"She's a snapper, Jerry!"

Photo credit: Canva

People list hilariously unhinged reasons they won't date someone

Everyone has their preference while dating and the preferences can range from height, and hair color to educational background and sense of humor. When looking for a long term partner people hope to be able to put a little check mark next to as many things as possible on their preference list.

But the reality of dating is that someone can check all the boxes but as you spend more time with them, you realize that there's some things you just can't live with–these things don't always make sense. This doesn't seem to matter when it comes to compatibility. What seems nonsensical to one person may not be to the person breaking off the relationship, even when they know the reason is petty.

In a question posed to readers on Reddit, someone asks people to share their pettiest reasons for not dating someone. Let's just say that some of the reasons listed were so random that you can't do anything but laugh.

You could meet the person of your dreams but every time they eat, they let out loud unapologetic burps that they announce no matter the location. Or maybe your perfect partner turns out to be someone that doesn't believe in the importance of morning dental hygiene and you're the type that never misses a morning floss, brush and tongue scraping. Those little quirks might be enough for you to pull the plug on continuing the relationship, even if they're great in every other area.

seinfeld GIF by HULUGiphy

Now, the people who respond to the question about the pettiest reason for ending things, may or may not have thought their former potential partner was a good match but these are things they couldn't get over. One man found himself to be in a real life "Seinfeld" episode saying, "This girl was beautiful, driven, intelligent; we got along well. She was perfect, except that she would snap her fingers whenever someone would say something she liked. Every conversation, peppered with snaps. She'd do it instead of applauding at concerts too. Eventually, I realized that this couldn't be my life."

Someone responds to his revelation about the finger snapping by quoting the show, "She's a snapper, Jerry!"

Beavis And Butthead Comedy GIF by Paramount+Giphy

Another person reveals the sweet boy she was dating accidentally made her see things she couldn't unsee, "Oh god, my time to shine. I was dating this sweet sweet boy, and he was like “I do an amazing Beavis impression” (from Beavis and Butthead) and he was right, he did! He was so spot on that I realized he looked JUST like Beavis. Blonde, kinda squinted, a little overbite. After that I was done. I felt guilty about it and told him it was my grandmother’s fault."

Other people were very particular about the way people eat, one person shares that they once broke up with someone because they ate their peas one at a time. Someone else explains, "Honestly, if they breathe or eat/swallow too loud I can’t handle it. It’s petty, I know. But I can’t do the rest of my life listening to someone breathe like a 70 year old man asleep on a chair, or chew/swallow like a cow."

Cow Appreciation Day GIFGiphy

iPhone users are ruthless and a little anxious if you're going by the reasons some of them won't date certain people. One person says that their friends will stop talking to someone who's text bubbles turn green when they're texting because it means they use an Android phone. Another commenter admits to a habit she had while dating in her 20s, "This was years ago, but I would swipe left on any dude holding an iPhone w/o a case on it cause I didn't need that kind of stress in my life."

Other really small reasons people list are having a velcro wallet, writing "could of" instead of "could have," biting their fork while eating, putting sugar on fruit, wearing crocs, and wearing one gold chain. One man admittedly refused to date a woman who's name was Jerry because his name was Tom.

Tom And Jerry Lol GIF by myHQGiphy

Please respect books if you plan to date this person, "Perfect girl. Beautiful, smart, charming… but she would mark her place in books by ripping off the corner of the page she was currently on to use as a bookmark. I couldn’t live that way."

Of course, everyone is entitled to date or not date whomever they like, they're also allowed to break things off for reasons that don't always make sense to others. So, what's the silliest reason you've ended things with someone?

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