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Science

Turns out, "for better or for worse" is real, your spouse's moods can be contagious

From finances to daily routines, couples in different cultures share “emotional interdependence.”

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A married couple going to sleep.

The old adage, "Happy wife, happy life" is now backed by science, and though the rhyme doesn't work, the opposite is also true. According to new research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the well-being of married couples is deeply intertwined, with spouses influencing each other’s happiness, life satisfaction, and even emotional states over time. Intriguingly, this phenomenon seems to be universal across different cultures. Whether you’re in the United States or Japan, your partner’s mood shapes your own.

via GIPHY

Researchers led by Ryosuke Asano from Kurume University explored how couples in both the U.S. and Japan affect each other’s well-being through two main pathways: mutual influence (how one partner’s mood directly impacts the other) and shared environments (like household responsibilities, finances, and social circles). In other words, the ups and downs in one spouse’s life can reflect in their partner’s well-being, making married life a shared emotional roller coaster.

Well-being and “spousal interdependencies”

The concept of “spousal interdependencies” was first explored in American studies, but Asano and his team wanted to see if this pattern held in Japan as well. “I have been interested in close relationships and well-being throughout my career,” Asano shared. Inspired by a 2018 study on American couples, he wanted to find out if these “spousal interdependencies” transcended cultural boundaries.

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To investigate, the researchers gathered data from over 3,000 American couples aged 26 to 96 and more than 2,300 Japanese couples aged 24 to 76, surveying them at several points over time. They measured each person’s life satisfaction, emotional ups and downs, and even symptoms of depression, tracking how these factors played out in their relationships. Their goal? To see if the emotional link between partners in the U.S. would hold true in Japan, where marriage traditions and social norms differ.

Cultural similarities in the ups and downs of marriage

The study revealed something surprising: although American and Japanese cultures have different views on marriage, their couples still experienced similar “well-being interdependence.” Whether it’s financial pressures or day-to-day joys, couples in both countries showed nearly identical levels of mutual influence and shared environmental effects.

via GIPHY

One aspect that might seem surprising is just how similar the results were for couples in such different cultural contexts. Asano noted, “Estimates for spousal interdependencies in well-being…are of very similar magnitude for Americans and Japanese.” This means that while cultural nuances around marriage vary, the way spouses impact each other emotionally is nearly universal.

Boost your partner's mood and feel the benefits together

Since you're emotionally tied to your better half, making them happier can often be the quickest path to boosting your own mood. Consider these small but impactful gestures to lift your partner’s spirits and, by extension, brighten your own. Consider them tips for a bit of selfish selflessness.

Incorporating these practices into your daily life can enhance your partner’s happiness, fostering a more joyful and fulfilling relationship for both of you.

Takeaway: marriage really does mean "for better or worse"

While we often think of marriage as a partnership, this study shows just how intertwined partners’ emotional lives can become. When you’re married, it’s not just your own highs and lows you’re riding—it’s your spouse’s too. This research affirms that in both the U.S. and Japan, when one spouse feels a positive (or negative) shift in well-being, it’s likely to ripple across to their partner.

via GIPHY

In the end, the old saying might be truer than we realized. Marriage really does mean sticking together through thick and thin—literally sharing not just a life, but a mindset and mood. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, it turns out you’re in this together in more ways than one.

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Family

Nine common phone behaviors that are relationship red flags, according to couples therapist

Some of these are surprising.

@couplesthearpywithjohnathan/Instagram, Photo credit: Canva

A couples therapist shares the 9 common phone habits that should be considered red flags.

Odds are we all have some bad phone habits that aren’t necessarily serving our intimate relationships. But those flaws, like scrolling through social media during time together, for instance, are totally manageable. A partner’s overt secrecy with their device, on the other hand, might warrant some real concern.

Still, experts usually suggest that we almost never check our significant other’s phones if we suspect questionable behavior, however tempting it may be. However, there are certain signs that one can be on the lookout for in order to make an informed decision.

Couples therapist Jonathan Van Viegen, MA MFT, recently shared the 9 phone behaviors that he and his wife “never let happen” in their marriage.

1. Not sharing passwords

Most American couples tend to share passwords within a few months of dating. So if there’s reluctance to share passwords in a long term relationship, this could be a red flag.

2. Hiding their phone

Guess the saying of “if you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear” applies here.

3. Keeping phone face down

While it’s completely understandable to turn the phone face down to escape from a barrage of notifications, this could be something to take note of if you suspect your partner isn’t being truthful.

4. Turning body or phone away from you when they’re on it

Again, this isn’t inherently malicious. Perhaps this partner is simply trying to not distract themselves or their loved one. But it takes on new meaning if it’s combined with these other behaviors and it could spell problems.

5. Closing apps or locking phone when you approach them

This one is a lot less ambiguous, as the person is clearly trying to cover up their tracks.

6. New password change

As someone who’s watched my husband get locked out of accounts randomly and have to change his password countless times, I would argue that there are plenty of benign reasons for changing passwords. But again, in combination with other behaviors, I could see how this might get labeled as a red flag.

7. Hot and cold about you touching their phone.

If “sometimes it’s okay, other times it’s met with a big reaction,” then you’ve got yourself a red flag.

8. Gets angry or defensive when approached about their behavior

This is kind of a red flag for nearly any subject. Couples should be able to have difficult conversations. In this case, about the need for privacy. If they are aggressively “protective” about it, partners should maybe be wary.

9. Suddenly highly protective of their phone

If your partner goes from being completely open about sharing their phone to suddenly not wanting you near it, that could be a red flag. Unless of course they are currently trying to plan a surprise party for you (also speaking from experience here).

Van Viegen did add the disclaimer that while this set of rules works for his marriage, he’s not saying that everyone should “follow our example - so you do you. But be reassured knowing that at least one other couple in the world isn’t putting up with these disheartening red flags.”

Solving Trust Issues in Relationships

Of course, for some couples, it might be less about looking for red flags and instead looking for ways to build, or rebuild trust. In another video, Van Viegen breaks down three steps to help with that.

1. Focus on Your Desired Future

Instead of getting stuck in past betrayals or breaches of trust, envision a future where trust is restored. Imagine what relationship would look like “when trust is fully restored,” and look for “small signs” that trust is returning, he advises.

2. Identify Exceptions

“Nothing is all bad all the time. Reflect on those times when trust was felt, even if it was small or brief…By examining these exceptions, you’ll store moments in your memory bank where trust was possible—allowing you to build on those moments,” Van Viegen writes.

3. Measure Your Progress

Get a clear picture of where your relationship currently stands when it comes to trust on a scale of 1-10. And keep asking yourself “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much trust do I feel in my partner right now?” and “What would need to happen to move that number up just one point?” throughout the process. As with most things, recording progress is very helpful.

For more tips like this, give Van Viegen a follow on Instagram here.

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Popular

Couple in their 30s live permanently on cruise ships for a little over $10K a year

“I’m not a millionaire ... I just live full-time on cruise ships.”

via Matthew Barra/Pexels

A magnificent cruise ship on the ocean.

Giving it all up and retiring to live on a cruise ship at 32 seems like a lifestyle choice only available to the ultra-wealthy. However, two financially savvy retired school teachers from Tennessee have managed to do just that, spending under $10,000 for the first eight months at sea.

Monica Brzoska, 32, and Jorrell Conley, 36, met in 2015 while teaching in Memphis, Tennessee. The following year, they booked a week-long cruise to Mexico, Belize, and Grand Cayman. After that, they were hooked on cruising together.

Eight years later, in March 2023, they booked a week-long Caribbean cruise. When it was over, instead of returning home to Memphis, they had a wild idea: Why not continue to book consecutive cruises? So, they did just that.

Monica was inspired to start living the life she always wanted after her father fell ill and her mother told her: "Don't wait for retirement. Follow your dreams."



The couple crunched the numbers and found that if they chose the cheapest cabins and used the deals they’ve received from Carnival Cruises, they could book the first 8 months for just under $10,000. “It sounds mad, but the numbers made sense. Accommodation, food and entertainment would be included – we’d only need spending money,” Brzoska told The Sun. “And because we’d been on so many Carnival cruises, we’d earned access to some amazing offers.”

Hopping from ship to ship isn’t difficult for the couple because many disembark from the same ports. But they sometimes have to fly when they can’t walk to the next ocean liner.

The couple then quit their jobs, sold their possessions, and started a new life on the high seas. They rent out their 3-bedroom home in Memphis to maintain steady cash flow. The average 3-bedroom home in the area rents somewhere between $1200 to $1900 a month.



Over the first year of their new life, the couple completed 36 consecutive cruises. They have already visited countless destinations across the globe, but they can’t choose a favorite. "For a cultural experience, we loved Japan," Brzoska told a Carnival Cruise director on Instagram. The couple also loved Greece for its “history” and Iceland because it was the "closest to being on Mars."

One of the most incredible benefits of loving on a cruise ship is that so many things are taken care of for you. The couple never has to cook any meals, do any laundry or drive. Every night, there is something to do, whether it’s checking out a comedy show or enjoying drinks and dancing in the nightclub.



Plus, on cruises, just about all the costs are covered, so you rarely have to open your wallet. It’s a stress-free, all-inclusive lifestyle. Brzoska says that when you remove the everyday stresses from life, it’s great for your marriage. “Without the daily stresses of life, we rarely argued, but always told each other if we needed space or more time together,” she said.

The couple also makes sure to have one date night a week, during which they dress up and have a nice meal together.

Most people may be unable to give it all up and live their lives hopping from ocean liner to ocean liner. But there’s a great lesson in the story of Brzoska and Conley: You never know how much time you have left, so don’t wait for retirement to live the life of your dreams.

Upworthy has reached out to Brzoska for comment and is still awaiting a response.









Science

A study found 4 different categories of couples. Where do you belong?

What if I told you someone did find a way to "categorize" your love style but with actual real science?

Image from Insomnia Cured Here/Flickr.

This movie couple definitely could have used some healthy therapy.

Ever fallen into one of those Internet dating quizzes? You know, the ones that promise to categorize you? Like "what your astrological sign says about your relationship style."

They can be fun, but we all know they're mostly fluff.

What if I told you someone did find a way to "categorize" your love style but with actual real science?

Three relationship scientists asked about 400 couples to track how they felt about their relationship and how committed they felt to marrying their partner. They followed each of the couples for nine months. Not, like, literally followed them — that would be creepy. Instead, they just asked them a few questions and asked them to keep track of how committed they were feeling over time.

At the end of the nine months, the scientists collected all the couple's responses and delved deep into the data. They found that couples did indeed tend to fall into one of four categories.

Prepare yourself for some soul searching because you might just be:

1. The Conflicted, but Passionate

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Scarlett and Rhett from "Gone with the Wind."

Image from Insomnia Cured Here/Flickr.

This is the couple Facebook made the "It's Complicated" relationship status for. Their levels of commitment tend to go up and down over time, especially after arguments. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. These folks use those conflicts to help them make decisions about the relationship, and in fact, they didn't appear to be any more destined for a breakup than any of the other groups.

Also, as a bonus, they tend to follow those turbulent downs with passionate ups. "These couples operate in a tension between conflict that pushes them apart and passionate attraction that pulls them back together," said study author Brian Ogolsky.

2. The Partner-Focused

dating, hobbies, leisure activities

A nice night to have a couples walk.

Image from Yiannis Theologos Michellis/Flickr.

If your idea of a perfect date night is a long walk followed by eight hours of binge-watching "House of Cards" together, you might fall into this category.

Partner-focused couples tend to spend a lot of time together and share hobbies or leisure activities, and it's that shared time that tends to propel them forward. They tended to be more careful and thoughtful about their relationship decisions — more likely to build from the inside out — and tended to be the most satisfied overall.

3. The Social Butterflies

social butterfly, bar hopping, dancing, friendship

Dancing the night away...


Image from Esther Bubley, Library of Congress, Prints & Photographs Division, FSA-OWI Collection/Wikimedia Commons.

On the other hand, if your perfect evening with your partner involves grabbing all your friends and hitting the bars or breaking out Settlers of Catan for the hundredth time, this might be the category that best describes you. Social couples usually share a friend group and use that time spent with friends to inform and build their relationship as a couple.

"Having mutual friends makes people in these couples feel closer and more committed," said Ogolsky. They also tended to be pretty stable and have higher levels of love based on feelings of friendship toward each other, which can be a good indicator for long-term happiness.

4. The Dramatic

drama, community, therapy, social norms

A little Renaissance kissing with oil

Image from Sofi/Flickr.

Unfortunately, not every couple's path is easy. Things may start out good, but tend not to stay that way for dramatic couples. This type of couple tends to make decisions based on negative experiences or stuff from outside the relationship.

"These couples have a lot of ups and downs, and their commitment swings wildly," said Ogolsky. "You begin to see little things eroding, and you start to see the relationship in a negative light, and soon you give up," said Ogolsky.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, dramatic couples tended to break up the most, twice as much as other couples.

So what's best? Well, here's where this article differs from a lot of those Internet quizzes. Because the answer is that there isn't a "best" kind of relationship.

couples therapy, love, marriage, biology

What do healthy relationships start and end with?

Image from Maryam Mgonja/Wikimedia Commons.

Different couples work and grow differently. These are different pathways and it'd be a mistake to assume there's a "correct" way to love someone. Or even that you're forever locked into a certain style of relationships. "These are not predefined, for-life patterns," said Ogolsky.

And even in a single relationship, these patterns aren't predictors of destiny — a dramatic couple may, in fact, outlast a social one, and a partner-driven couple may be as passionate as anyone you could ever meet.

And the researchers willingly admit in their paper that their study doesn't cover all relationships. Many very happy couples have no desire to marry, for instance. And, it should be noted, that it wasn't too long ago that the U.S. didn't even allow all couples to get married!

Wait, you're not going to tell me how to find the perfect, golden, eternally-happy relationship?! Why even study this then?

Because, in our hearts, humans are social creatures, Ogolsky explained. Love, friendship, passion, and commitment are part of the human experience. Understanding relationships can be as important to understanding ourselves as studying chemistry or biology. They can even affect your health!

As for what you can learn from all this, the important takeaway is that what you use to make decisions — whether from conflict, from the inside, from the outside, or from friendship — can influence your level of commitment. It might be useful for couples to think not just about their choices but how they make their choices.

So ... what's your category?


This article originally appeared on 02.15.16

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