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Understanding the 90-10 rule of conflict could be the key to marital bliss

They should tell you this when you get your marriage license.

Couples, whether married or just longterm partners, really aren't all that original. We all fight over the same things. Chores, money, and sex are pretty much the big three. But Dr. John Gottman, probably the most prominent and influential psychologist in the world of marriage and relationships, says the number one thing couples fight about is actually nothing. That's right, nothing at all!

But how can a couple fight about nothing? The answer: It's super easy. Haven't you ever found yourself locked in a bitter disagreement and suddenly stopped to think, "How the heck did we get here?" Gottman, basically one of the founding fathers of modern couples counseling, writes that something as simple as a disagreement about where to dinner can quickly lead to a conversation full of resentment, insults, miscommunications, and hurt feelings.

Mark Travers, a psychologist and author, recently took this idea a step further and argued that only 10% of arguments in relationships are actually about "the thing." The other 90% are about a deeper, underlying issue. He calls it the 90-10 rule of conflict.


Couples arguments are like icebergs. 90% is below the surface.Canva Photos

He writes in an article for Forbes that "only 10% of fights stem from the immediate problem, while 90% are driven by deeper emotions—unmet needs, past wounds and unspoken fears."

Gottman agrees, commonly saying that "Usually, underneath that fight, is an unfulfilled dream."

It's easy to see how this plays out using common examples.

A couple might fight over a sink of unwashed dishes. Usually, the dishes themselves aren't that big of a deal, but the fight balloons out of control because there are underlying resentments about the division of labor in the household.


dishes, marriage, relationships, conflict, arguments, disagreements, psychologyA pile of dirty dishes is a fight waiting to happen!Canva Photos

Take the initial example of disagreeing about where to go for dinner. It should be such a simple problem for two adults to solve together! But if you're constantly fighting about it, it could be a sign of a repetitive issue: Maybe one partner never compromises, maybe one is overly thrifty or one is too casual about spending money.

When the underlying issue goes unresolved, the fights come up again and again and again, and can be triggered by the smallest possible catalysts.

Once you understand the 90-10 rule, you can start to see a path to better conflict management, and a much happier romantic life.

Travers urges couples in the midst of a disagreement to, instead of reacting to what was said, to try to uncover the true meaning behind those words. Remember, human beings aren't great at being directly and completely honest. We rarely voice our deepest desires and wants and needs, but they come out in other ways.


couples, fights, conflict, relationships, marriage, couples therapyGosling had the right idea.Giphy

The goal should be to reframe minuscule disagreements around the deeper emotion or pattern they represent. Instead of "You didn't do the dishes!" it's "I feel overwhelmed and like we're not a team when I do everything around the house." He also writes that you should try to be genuinely curious about your partner's perspective on the disagreement, and to not react defensively to how they might view it differently.

Being monogamously committed to someone is hard, right? One day you're just doing your thing, and the next you have to use all these new psychological tools and empathy techniques because someone forgot to wash a plate. But not only will the extra effort lead to a better relationship, it could even improve your health. Multiple studies have shown that good conflict resolution skills in a relationship are tied to better longterm health outcomes, including lower stress, which can impact longevity. Arguments happen in any relationship, but the couples who don't let fights about small things escalate into blowouts — and the ones who can still use humor and affection even when disagreeing — are so much better off than the rest.

Gottman's teachings say "Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws," and that arguments, even fights, are an opportunity to deepen communication and ultimately your love for each other. Not a bad way to look at things, right?

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Modern Families

Dad of 2 young kids admits he and his wife sleep separately and the trend is growing

This approach isn't without its drawbacks, though.

rab_moudallal/Instagram

It's not as weird as it sounds.

When you become a parent, your nighttime routine gets thrown for a loop. The first couple of years are a rollercoaster of changes—when the kids go to bed, how often they wake up, how long they sleep. Things start to normal out after a while, but if you have a second kid, or a third, you can start the clock over again each time. Some couples live in nighttime chaos for years and years at a time.

Not only does this naturally cause a ton of sleep disruption and sleep loss in parents of young kids, it can also be a huge source of conflict within a couple. Who gets up with the kids at night? Who gets extra rest in the morning? With two sleep deprived, cranky parents, tempers can flare easily around the subject of rest.

One dad took to social media to come clean about how he handles the restless nights: He and his wife, parents to two young kids, don’t sleep in the same room anymore.

Rabeeh Moudallal, in an Instagram reel, discussed the couple’s “married but separate” sleeping strategy. He says he usually sleeps on a mattress on the floor in their toddler’s room, while his wife, Katie, handles any late night fussiness or feedings with the baby. In their arrangement, both parents don’t have to get woken up every time one of the kids does. It minimizes disruption and sleep loss, and let’s them take turns helping each other out if one of them has a particularly rough stretch. It may not be the most romantic set up in the world, but for this phase of life, it makes a lot of sense!

Watch Moudallal’s full reel here:

I can absolutely relate to what Moudallal is describing here. I have a 4-year-old with significant sleep issues and I’ve spent many long stretches sleeping on the floor in her room every night.

Although my wife and I don't usually sleep separately on purpose, during rough patches with the kids it makes sense to “divide and conquer” sometimes—there’s no reason for both my wife and I to suffer during those disruptive nights, after all! I think it's smart to play to the strengths of each person in the couple. If one partner is good at getting up early or but struggles to go back to sleep after being woken, and you know the other one doesn't mind taking the midnight shift and sleeping in a little later, why not use that to your advantage? Doing everything as a team often just means no one's ever rested and fresh.

gif of woman sleepily waking from a napDisrupted sleep can have a lot of consequences. Giphy

There was a palpable sense of relief in the comments section of the viral video, where dozens of parents were overjoyed to finally admit without shame that they did the same:

"This is legit our same set up ! It's good to see others are in the same boat! Just trying to survive it all"

"When we first done this 7 years ago I was too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone incase people thought it was so wrong, and it would ruin our relationship, but it’s about survival"

"I always say to hubby, we’ve got years to be together, the kids need us at the moment. It won’t be forever"

Studies say about a third of couples don’t sleep in the same room or bed regularly. It’s more common than you think and is nothing to be ashamed of.

This number used to be closer to 25%, but it's growing rapidly.

Couples with different schedules, for example, commonly sleep separately. But so do those who deal with one partner snoring or having restless legs or insomnia. They’re all perfectly valid reasons to sleep separately, which can reduce conflicts and help everyone get more rest. That leads to happier relationships overall, so it's easy to see why the trend is catching on.

Parenting young kids who constantly wake or cry in the middle of the night is as good a reason as any to sleep in different rooms for a while.

But a word of caution for baggy-eyed parents: Sleeping in separate beds for logistical reasons is one thing, but deprioritizing your relationship is another.

It’s easy to think you have all the time in the world for each other once this phase of early parenthood ends, but putting intimacy off for extended periods of time can have lasting consequences. And news flash, there will be another stressful phase of parenting waiting for you after the sleepless nights are over! It’s not going to get easier, just a different kind of hard.

Moudallal even admits this. “I kind of miss being able to roll over and talk to my wife at night instead of just texting her from her room," he says, jokingly calling the separation a "natural contraception."

Couples who are parents need time together, even when chaos with the kids is swirling all around them. It's no secret that raising young kids puts enormous pressures on relationships, and a lot of couples don't survive it. It’s OK to divide and conquer and not find that intimacy by sleeping next to each other, but just make sure you replace it with other ways of connecting instead of always waiting around for smoother sailing.

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Family

One couple's perfect response to people asking when they're going to have kids

Choosing to have kids or not have kids is no one else's decision but yours.

Photo via Carrie Jensen/Imgur, used with permission.

She’s giving birth to a puppy.


"When are you guys going to start having kids?"

Like many couples, Carrie Jansen and her husband Nic had heard this question a million different ways, a million different times.

The pressure really started to mount when the pair, who've been together for eight years, got married three years ago. While Carrie loves kids (she's an elementary school teacher, after all), she and Nic simply aren't interested in having kids of their own. Now or ever.

"It's not what I was meant for," explains Carrie in a Facebook message. "It's like, I love flowers, and everyone loves flowers. But that doesn't mean I want to grow my own. I'm perfectly happy admiring other people's gardens."

Carrie wanted to tell her family that they don't plan on having kids but knew if she did, they'd say something like, "Oh you'll change your mind one day!" and that pesky question would keep rearing its ugly head.

marriage, adults, children, social pressure, pregnancy

Dressed to the nines on their wedding day.

Photo via Carrie Jansen, used with permission.

Rather than continue to deflect the question over and over, Carrie decided to do something a little bit different.

Since the couple was adding another mouth to feed to the family, they decided to announce it with a series of maternity-style photos, revealing the twist: The new addition was a puppy named Leelu, not a baby.

pets, viral, moms, dads, maternity, babies

Look at my newborn baby... puppy.

Photo via Carrie Jensen/Imgur, used with permission.

"My husband and I have been married 3 years and everyone is bugging us about having a baby. Close enough right?" she captioned the photos.

Her pictures went insanely viral, with many of the commenters giving her props for hilariously addressing the dreaded "kids " question.

kids, choices, population, survey

The adorable pup.

Photo via Carrie Jansen, used with permission.

"If you don't want kids, don't have kids. Seriously. Have fun with each other. I had three kids early and it's all about them now," wrote one user. "I wish people would just mind their business raising a kid ain't easy and cheap," wrote another.

"I got my husband a vasectomy for his birthday this year. Best gift ever," chimed in a third.

Carrie was overwhelmed and inspired by the viral response. "Having children is definitely a hot topic, and one that is evolving in this generation like so many other social issues," she says. "It's exciting to find others that feel the same way I do.”

Carrie is hardly alone in not wanting to have kids — in fact, a record number of women are choosing not to have kids today.

In 2014, the U.S. Census Bureau's Current Population Survey found 47.6% of women between age 15 and 44 had never had children, which is the highest percentage on record. Despite the numbers, however, because we still live in a patriarchally-driven society, women regularly face the expectation that they should be mothers, and they often are judged if they decide not to be.

Whether you want to have one kid, five kids, no kids, or a puppy, the choice should be yours and no one else's.

holidays, gifts, woman\u2019s rights, gender equality,

The holiday photo in front of the Christmas tree.

Photo via Carrie Jansen, used with permission.

No one else has the right to put pressure on you to change your body and life in a drastic way. Thankfully, because of women like Carrie — and partners like Nic — who aren't afraid to bring the subject out in the open, the expectations are slowly but surely changing.


This article originally appeared nine years ago.


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Culture

Couple in their 30s live permanently on cruise ships for a little over $10K a year

“I’m not a millionaire ... I just live full-time on cruise ships.”

via Matthew Barra/Pexels

A magnificent cruise ship on the ocean.

Giving it all up and retiring to live on a cruise ship at 32 seems like a lifestyle choice only available to the ultra-wealthy. However, two financially savvy retired school teachers from Tennessee have managed to do just that, spending under $10,000 for the first eight months at sea.

Monica Brzoska, 32, and Jorrell Conley, 36, met in 2015 while teaching in Memphis, Tennessee. The following year, they booked a week-long cruise to Mexico, Belize, and Grand Cayman. After that, they were hooked on cruising together.

Eight years later, in March 2023, they booked a week-long Caribbean cruise. When it was over, instead of returning home to Memphis, they had a wild idea: Why not continue to book consecutive cruises? So, they did just that.

Monica was inspired to start living the life she always wanted after her father fell ill and her mother told her: "Don't wait for retirement. Follow your dreams."



The couple crunched the numbers and found that if they chose the cheapest cabins and used the deals they’ve received from Carnival Cruises, they could book the first 8 months for just under $10,000. “It sounds mad, but the numbers made sense. Accommodation, food and entertainment would be included – we’d only need spending money,” Brzoska told The Sun. “And because we’d been on so many Carnival cruises, we’d earned access to some amazing offers.”

Hopping from ship to ship isn’t difficult for the couple because many disembark from the same ports. But they sometimes have to fly when they can’t walk to the next ocean liner.

The couple then quit their jobs, sold their possessions, and started a new life on the high seas. They rent out their 3-bedroom home in Memphis to maintain steady cash flow. The average 3-bedroom home in the area rents somewhere between $1200 to $1900 a month.



Over the first year of their new life, the couple completed 36 consecutive cruises. They have already visited countless destinations across the globe, but they can’t choose a favorite. "For a cultural experience, we loved Japan," Brzoska told a Carnival Cruise director on Instagram. The couple also loved Greece for its “history” and Iceland because it was the "closest to being on Mars."

One of the most incredible benefits of loving on a cruise ship is that so many things are taken care of for you. The couple never has to cook any meals, do any laundry or drive. Every night, there is something to do, whether it’s checking out a comedy show or enjoying drinks and dancing in the nightclub.



Plus, on cruises, just about all the costs are covered, so you rarely have to open your wallet. It’s a stress-free, all-inclusive lifestyle. Brzoska says that when you remove the everyday stresses from life, it’s great for your marriage. “Without the daily stresses of life, we rarely argued, but always told each other if we needed space or more time together,” she said.

The couple also makes sure to have one date night a week, during which they dress up and have a nice meal together.

Most people may be unable to give it all up and live their lives hopping from ocean liner to ocean liner. But there’s a great lesson in the story of Brzoska and Conley: You never know how much time you have left, so don’t wait for retirement to live the life of your dreams.

Upworthy has reached out to Brzoska for comment and is still awaiting a response.



This article originally appeared last year.

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