How to answer 'what do you think' without hurting feelings
When someone makes a change to their appearance, they are usually hoping for a positive reaction from those they care about. Let's be honest, even if you're not the kind of person that seeks approval from others, compliments can boost your day. But it's impossible to like every single change to someone's appearance because we all have different styles so what do you say if you hate the new look?
Most people may think it's best to say nothing if they're not directly asked which is great advice if you're talking about someone you don't know well. Saying nothing when your significant other leaves the house with brown waist-length hair and comes back with a blonde bob might end in hurt feelings and a night on the couch.
Instead of lying about how you feel about the change they've made you could simply ask them how they feel about it first. If they love it, then you can simply say, "I'm so glad you love it" while pointing out something positive but truthful, like "the blonde really brings out the color in your eyes." The person will walk away feeling complimented and you can feel good about not lying, though it's not always that easy.
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Sometimes an excited friend or partner will directly ask the question, "what do you think" after revealing a change or new purchase. This is generally where the anxiety comes in because you don't want to be the one that deflates their balloon but you also don't care for the change. Seems this dilemma has caused many discussions with varying answers on how to properly answer it.
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In response to someone asking what to say about a bad haircut their friend just received, one person says in part, "if you are close enough to criticize each other, then tell him in a way that suits your friendship level. But in general, I think it’s better to mirror your friends feelings. Especially when it comes to a persons appearance. So if they like it? you love it! If they hate it? you dislike it but it’s not their fault, so it’s fine! But you can gently add in some constructive hints or tips. for example; 'it’s good, I think it will look even better when the sides grow out,' 'the volume is great, it will look even better when it’s a bit longer in the front,' 'i like this, I thought your old cut was also great— maybe next time you could try something that’s a mix of both.'"
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Another person responds, "A good rule of thumb for good manners when discussing someone's appearance is never criticize anything that can't be fixed in 5 minutes or less. Given that he has to grow out this cut, and that will take at least weeks or months, let it go. If he likes it and it's what he wanted then don't rain on his parade because you don't personally find it flattering."
"It’s easier to tell someone politely but it might be harder for them to accept the fact that questions that are none of their business, such as looks, weight, whether or not someone is pregnant or planning on having children to name a few are none of anyone’s business, including yours," someone says after an internet user anonymously inquired about disliking a friend's plastic surgery results.
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"Unless, and I emphasize this, the person is a very close friend and asks for an intimate opinion, do NOT criticize how they look especially if you think it is overdone," another says in response.
Gauging someone's reaction to their altered appearance will help guide your response if asked directly. Being honest without shattering the person's confidence in their looks can be a delicate line to walk, especially if the person is particularly sensitive. Hopefully trying one of the options listed will spare feelings while keeping relationships in tact.
How a DIY dress helped one woman reclaim the power words had on her body.
'We should all be able to celebrate and love ourselves without fear of criticism from others, whatever shape or size we are.'
News flash: Words have power. This is something Jojo Oldham knows all too well.
Whether you're a soap star hearing lewd comments made by a politician 10 years ago or the average woman getting catcalled on her way home from work, what other people have to say about your body leave a lasting impression.
Over Oldham's 31 years of existence, she's received countless comments about her body — both good and bad.
After years of letting these words affect how she sees herself, however, Oldham was finally ready to release them and embrace herself.
She took all the comments she's heard about her body over the years and painted them on a dress. Posing for pictures, with a smile on her face, she took the power those words had over her and refused to let them dictate her self-worth any longer.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
"The love I have for my body these days is something I've had to learn. And it requires constant maintenance," Oldham wrote on her website.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
Like so many of us, Oldham says she's been in a love-hate relationship with her body for as long as she can remember. There are days when she's thrilled with how she looks, and then there are days when she wants to delete every unflattering photo ever taken of her. The comments she would receive fanned the flame of her own insecurities.
"I had 31 years-worth of other people’s comments about my body swirling around my head and popping into it on a daily basis, and I wanted to do something positive with them," Oldham explained over email.
The dress is a badge of honor, symbolic of the fact that, while Oldham may have been called these things, she is not defined by them.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
"The comments that made the final cut have all stuck with me for different reasons," Oldham wrote. "Some because they’re really weird, some because they’re really lovely, some because they’re funny, and some because they’re particularly nasty and they really crushed me at the time."
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
"Once I learned how to be happy with myself as I am, the negative things that other people said about my body just stopped mattering to me," Oldham explained.
Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.
Comments can do serious damage to even the strongest, most self-confident people. Oldham hopes her dress will help curtail some of that damage.
"We should all be able to celebrate and love ourselves without fear of criticism from others, whatever shape or size we are," she wrote on her website.
She hopes the work will inspire women to remember they are not the sum of the comments made about their bodies; they are so much more.