+
“A balm for the soul”
  review on Goodreads
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy

compliments

Family

Kate Winslet shares sage advice for complimenting girls and women are loving it

So many women say they never heard things like this growing up.

Photo credit: Maggie (Maggiejumps) from Palm Springs, United States

Kate Winslet at the Palm Film Festival, 2007

The way we see ourselves is influenced greatly by those around us, especially during out formative years. The words of our parents and other family members, our friends and teachers, acquaintances and random strangers can have a big impact on our self-image and sense of confidence—for better and for worse.

That's part of why paying others compliments is so powerful. We all know that negative words can stick with us, but kind ones can too. Especially if we pay attention to the way in which we offer kids a compliment, as actress Kate Winslet explained on the How to Fail with Elizabeth Day podcast.

"When we compliment our children, particularly our girls—and any mother who is listening, please remember this," she said. "There is so much negativity that young girls are hearing from the world, just because that’s how the world is, but also because, very sadly, many of them are on social media and are exposed to an unnecessary level of negativity every day of their lives. If we do not tell them that they are beautiful and that we are so proud of who they are, they might not hear it from anyone else. So you have to say it."

"And there’s also a way of saying to your child, 'I love you and you’re amazing,'" she continued. "There’s that, but there’s also, 'Do you know what I love? The way you see the world and the way you dress with so much pride. I just really admire that.' That will land on a teenage girl’s ear much better than 'You look lovely, darling.' That's in one ear and out the other because they expect us to say that and they've heard us say it a million times before. But saying, 'My god, you look so strong and vibrant. Never ever lose the pride you take in how you walk through the world. It's amazing.'"

Winslet's message resonated with so many women, especially those who themselves had not heard compliments like this growing up. Check out these comments:

"When I was a kid, I remember looking in the mirror and crying because I thought I was ugly. Like young, second grade maybe. And my mom was in the room and all she said was stop it. And I really needed to hear kind loving words."

"Oh goodness, I’ve never heard those things my whole life (entirely the opposite!) but I’ll be damned if my little girl (and my son too because that equally matters in such a judgemental world!) ever feels she’s no enough. I’m forever telling her how beautiful she is, how sparkly she shines but also how strong she is, how brave, powerful, kind, funny, loving and magical. I do everything in my power to be body confident around her and so much so I’ve slowly started to love myself a little more too. Words are powerful, actions are powerful. Standing in the mirror telling myself whilst little eyes and ears are watching ‘I love the way my belly wobbles, I’m proud of my body because it grew my precious children’ is hopefully what they will remember as the grow and never once wonder if they should be more or less, or anything other than their perfectly imperfect self. 💕"

"Not me literally crying because my mom has NEVER said any of these things to me.."

"Me too 💕💕 I don't plan on having kids but I do plan on telling all my friends future kids this as much as I can and I'm so excited for that ❤️"

"Same girl. In fact I was told I was a waste of fresh air and would never be anything. I tell my 6yo at least 5 times a day how amazing and beautiful she is, and how proud I am of her. She is literally healing my heart 🥰💜"

"Aame. Not even the, 'you look lovely darling' part."

"Me neither..I just got negative messages from my mum as a child. A part of me still thinks Im not pretty or good enough. But you know what, I'm working hard to remind my daughter every single day that she is strong, smart, beautiful, wise, intelligent...In a certain way Im healing too my inner child at the same time I give her a high confidence."

"Growing up in the 80s I was never told this either and never thought of myself as pretty or special . Now that I have children and tell them how proud I am of them and how beautiful/handsome they are , I realise how bad my self esteem is / was. I was loved but didn’t get that type of validation. So now I am making sure my children know how beautiful and special they are."

As much as girls get a particularly heaving helping of negativity from society, as some pointed out, boys need to hear these kinds of compliments as well.

"Say it all to the boys too, please!!"

"Agree actually and I don’t have sons I have two girls. But I think this massively applies to boys also."

"I love Love love this woman. I am a mum of a daughter and two boys. I always notice when my daughter walks in the room ready for a compliment, my sons are also waiting for the compliment but without being so obvious and when they get it, their faces light up. So let’s say it to boys and girls. How proud they make us just because they have been born even or How beautiful they are because their pureness shines through from their little hearts. Even during the temper tantrums and stroppy teenage years 🙌❤️"

"Boys can be very sensitive, society has just dictated that they must have a tougher exterior. I am a Mum of two boys and feel that this is an equally important message for boys and girls - all kids."

"Was going to say the same thing. I have 2 boys and they need this just as much as my daughter does."

It's true. We all perk up a bit when we receive a compliment, especially when it reflects something specific about our character and not just something surface or generic. Kate Winslet's advice is a good reminder of how to compliment anyone of any age or gender effectively.


From Your Site Articles
women
Family

How a DIY dress helped one woman reclaim the power words had on her body.

'We should all be able to celebrate and love ourselves without fear of criticism from others, whatever shape or size we are.'

News flash: Words have power. This is something Jojo Oldham knows all too well.

Whether you're a soap star hearing lewd comments made by a politician 10 years ago or the average woman getting catcalled on her way home from work, what other people have to say about your body leave a lasting impression.

Over Oldham's 31 years of existence, she's received countless comments about her body — both good and bad.

After years of letting these words affect how she sees herself, however, Oldham was finally ready to release them and embrace herself.

She took all the comments she's heard about her body over the years and painted them on a dress. Posing for pictures, with a smile on her face, she took the power those words had over her and refused to let them dictate her self-worth any longer.

Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.

"The love I have for my body these days is something I've had to learn. And it requires constant maintenance," Oldham wrote on her website.

Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.

Like so many of us, Oldham says she's been in a love-hate relationship with her body for as long as she can remember. There are days when she's thrilled with how she looks, and then there are days when she wants to delete every unflattering photo ever taken of her. The comments she would receive fanned the flame of her own insecurities.

"I had 31 years-worth of other people’s comments about my body swirling around my head and popping into it on a daily basis, and I wanted to do something positive with them," Oldham explained over email.

The dress is a badge of honor, symbolic of the fact that, while Oldham may have been called these things, she is not defined by them.

Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.

"The comments that made the final cut have all stuck with me for different reasons," Oldham wrote. "Some because they’re really weird, some because they’re really lovely, some because they’re funny, and some because they’re particularly nasty and they really crushed me at the time."

Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.

"Once I learned how to be happy with myself as I am, the negative things that other people said about my body just stopped mattering to me," Oldham explained.

Photo via Jojo Oldham/Lovely Jojo's, used with permission.

Comments can do serious damage to even the strongest, most self-confident people. Oldham hopes her dress will help curtail some of that damage.

"We should all be able to celebrate and love ourselves without fear of criticism from others, whatever shape or size we are," she wrote on her website.

She hopes the work will inspire women to remember they are not the sum of the comments made about their bodies; they are so much more.

From Your Site Articles
Family

A comic explains the screwed-up reason people complimented this girl for being sick.

'Health comes in lots of sizes. Beauty comes in many forms.'

In the world of body compliments,  there's an unfortunate pairing that still exists:

"You look great — have you lost weight?"

The seed of dieting was planted in America back in the 1830s by a minister named Sylvester Graham. He suggested eating a simple grain diet would encourage health and temper libidos, while a fatty diet would encourage sinful behavior. It marked the beginning of fad diets in America, which would eventually lead to an unhealthy focus on slenderizing.

While we know now that skinny absolutely does not equal healthy and attractive, the over 180 years of brainwashing has done enough damage to the point where we rarely even question what's underneath the skinny.

Case and point, illustrator Miriam Caldwell's poignant comic on how an illness that made her lose weight opened her eyes to the body issues we project on each other — and how to see past them.

Comic by Miriam Caldwell. Used with permission.

"Nobody can tell how healthy a person is from looking at them except a doctor and the person themselves," Miriam wrote in an email, explaining that she wants her comic to "move the focus back to how we feel rather than how we look."

Compliments are great and all, but at the end of the day, it's how you see yourself that matters most.

From Your Site Articles
More

21 ways to praise your kids that have nothing to do with their achievements.

These compliments have everything to do with who your kids are, not just what they've done.

I’ve always been proud of my children, just like any other parent.

When they were little, I was always praising them for good behavior and cooperation. When they started school and academics, music and sports became their main focus, and they made me proud in a number of ways with their achievements, hard work, and performance.

Photo via iStock.

But we all know that life isn’t just about what you do. The most precious moments are rarely related to merit or athletic prowess. Instead, character is built in the moments when we see a kid's integrity, compassion, and dignity grow and shine.

But whenever I look back, I realize that what makes me most proud of my kids has nothing to do with their most obvious and impressive accomplishments.

We have many report cards, team photos, trophies, and certificates of merit by which to remember all of those things.

Instead, I remember other things, like the first time they helped someone who was hurt or watching them make courageous choices. And I wish I’d been more specific about praising my kids for those things.

Photo via iStock.

Here are 21 things to compliment your kids about that involve their character, not their achievements:

  1. The first time they help someone who is hurt.
  2. Seeing them stand up for a sibling or friend.
  3. The first time they buy a gift with their own money.
  4. When a child is loving and kind to older relatives.
  5. The first time they are buried in a book.
  6. The first time they realize a song has touched their soul.
  7. When they learn to appreciate art.
  8. When they make the best of a bad day on their own.
  9. The first time a child shows compassion and puts others first.
  10. The first time a child shows mercy and gives someone another chance.
  11. The first time your child genuinely roots for a weaker teammate.
  12. Hearing them offer sincere advice to a sibling or friend.
  13. The first time they take the time to teach a younger child.
  14. When they realize how important friendships are.
  15. The first time they find moral issue with something and take a stand against it.
  16. Their first heartfelt attempt at asking for forgiveness.
  17. The first time they wholeheartedly forgive.
  18. The first time a child tries something new when the odds are against them.
  19. When they know they’re marching to their own beat and they are proud of that.
  20. Not just trying, but trying again and again.
  21. The first time they accept rejection with grace and dignity.

These are the things you often can’t capture on paper or in photos.

When cameras are put away, when there are no grades to strive for, and when there are no coaches or teammates around, the most precious defining moments take place.

Photo via iStock.

I want my children to know that I care about these things — the people they are, not just the things they do.

From Your Site Articles
Trending Stories