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Craig Ferguson's '3-Question Rule' saved his marriage. It can help you improve any relationship.

Say goodbye to regrets.

via Mogiczar/YouTube

Craig Ferguson explains his '3 Question Rule.'

“Three things cannot be retrieved: The arrow once sped from the bow. The word spoken in haste. The missed opportunity,” Idries Shah writes in “Caravan of Dreams.” We all have moments when it is best to keep our mouths shut, but unfortunately, we said something careless and hurt someone’s feelings. Unfortunately, as Shah writes, it's impossible to take it back once we utter something regrettable.

Comedian Craig Ferguson, who hosted the CBS late-night talk show “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” from 2005 to 2014, learned to stop saying regrettable things the hard way. By sharing how he solved his problem in his stand-up act, he prevented many people from putting themselves in the same situation. In his 2011 EPIX comedy special, “Does This Need To Be Said?,” he shared how he overcame his habit of making regrettable remarks.

“The three things you must ask yourself before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me, now?” Ferguson joked that it took him three marriages before he learned this lesson. In 2008, he married his third wife, art dealer Megan Wallace-Cunningham, and 3 years later, they had a son.

Warning: Strong language.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Ferguson shared the observation as part of a segment about how people constantly post regrettable things without thinking on the internet. This problem was not present in the Medieval ages when people couldn’t write, had nothing to write with, and had no internet.

The advice, now known by some as the “3-Question Rule,” has caught on beyond the world of stand-up comedy. Justin Bariso, an emotional intelligence expert and the author of "EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence," explained it recently on The Culture Crush podcast.

Here’s how we can put the rule into practice in our everyday lives.

You go to Starbucks in the morning, and they accidentally forget to toast your bagel, and you want to give them a piece of your mind.

Does this need to be said? Nope, just move on with your day.

You notice that a co-worker is coming back from lunch looking intoxicated every day, and it’s beginning to become a problem. You want to let them know that being at work intoxicated is unacceptable.

Does this need to be said? Yes.

Does this need to be said by me? Nope. It is probably best to talk to your manager or HR.

You go out to dinner with some friends, and your spouse shares an embarrassing story about you that you'd rather she didn't share. You want to tell her that she upset you.

Does this need to be said? Yeah, for sure.

Does this need to be said by me? 100%.

Do I need to say this now? No. You can wait until you get home or tomorrow morning so you won’t fight in front of your friends.


The 3-Question Rule is a great way to pause and reflect before putting ourselves in an uncomfortable situation or hurting someone’s feelings. When you start stacking moments where you refrain from giving someone a piece of your mind or making a snide remark, you’ll build an even better inner strength that allows you to respond to situations versus mindlessly reacting. With that comes confidence, assertiveness, and fewer sleepless nights.

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Gray rocking: The conflict-free way to get out of conversations you just can't stand

It's therapist-approved, too.

via Canva

A woman is bored to death by a man in a cafe.

Have you ever been stuck talking to a family member trying to get you into an argument about politics or religion, and you’d much rather bail on the conversation than get into it with them? Do you have a coworker who traps you in the breakroom and won’t stop talking about their problems?

Therapists say the best way to get out of awkward and uncomfortable social situations is to use a communication tactic known as gray rocking. In this tactic, you sit there and give the person getting on your nerves as little response as possible so that they change the subject or talk to someone else.

It’s much better than getting into an argument you don’t want or upsetting a coworker you must see daily.

“When you're gray rocking, you stick to the basics,” Amelia Kelley, PhD, therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse, told Wondermind. “You're not going to do anything that makes you interesting or engaging. You're not ignoring the other person, but you're not providing more information than is necessary in hopes that they’ll lose interest and shift their attention.”

The technique is especially effective when you fail to react when someone tries to push your buttons. When you deprive them of the satisfaction of a reaction, they’ll quickly move on to another topic or, hopefully, another table.



Here are some other gray rock responses you can use the next time you’re stuck in a conversation that needs to end quickly.

  • Shrugging and nodding
  • Brief responses with zero elaboration
  • Using non-committal answers such as “mmhmm” or “alright”
  • Avoiding eye contact

The gray rock technique is helpful in low-stakes situations like being stuck in a conversation you don’t want to have. Or, it can be beneficial in high-stakes situations such as dealing with a toxic person, whether it’s a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder.

“It’s like playing dead in a game of cat and mouse,” Vanessa M. Reiser, LCSW, therapist, tells Wondermind. “The narcissist or the abuser is addicted to the supply of attention. If you starve them of it, they, by necessity, will go find someone else to toy with.”



The term gray rocking hit the pinnacle of pop culture when it was used on an episode of “Vanderpump Rules” earlier this year. Ariana Madix said she used the technique to overcome her breakup with Tom Sandoval. “Gray rocking and going no contact is literally the only way to avoid the sh*t, the manipulation, all of it,” she admitted. “It’s me, I’m a gray rock.”

The term has also become popular on TikTok where it’s a big topic of conversation among mental health influencers.

Over 1.2 million people watched a video about gray rocking by Victim to Warrior Method. In the video, parents have to deal with sharing custody of a child; the problem is that one of them is a narcissist. Note how the man in the scenario doesn't get rattled by his narcissistic ex and only says what’s necessary to keep his boundaries.

@v2wvictimtowarrior

Establishing boundaries is crucial when coparenting with a narcissist. To watch part 1 on how to Grey Rock when still in a narcissistic relationship, click here ➡️ @John & Melissa #greyrockmethod #narcissisticabuserecoverycoaching #narcissistic #narcissist #narcissistawareness #narcissisttok #narcissisticabuse #narcissistsurvivor #spreadingawareness #recoveryfromnarcissisticabuse #narcissistsbelike #relationshipwithanarcissist #coparentingwithanarcissist

Here’s another example of gray rocking. This time, the scenario involves a couple dealing with a narcissistic family member coming over for Christmas.

@v2wvictimtowarrior

The best thing to do is to go into it with a plan so you are not caught off guard! If you are coparenting with a narcissist, check out this video here ➡️ @John & Melissa #greyrockmethod #narcissisticabuserecoverycoaching #narcissistic #narcissist #narcissistawareness #narcissisttok #narcissisticabuse #narcissistsurvivor #spreadingawareness #recoveryfromnarcissisticabuse #narcissistsbelike #relationshipwithanarcissist #holidayswithanarcissist


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Expert shares the one way to be in a 'position of power' when talking to someone intimidating

A communications expert shows you how to be comfortable in a tense situation.

via Tim Gouw/Unsplash

A woman in a tough job interview.

We’ve all been in conversations with intimidating people. It could be the boss, someone you met at a party who is highly intelligent, or a date with someone you want to impress but are feeling a bit uncomfortable.

In all these situations, there is an imbalance of power and you feel like you’re on the high end of the teeter-totter.

To learn how to give yourself a bit more power in the interaction and even the upper hand, we need go no further than the landmark book on communications, Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic, “How to Make Friends and Influence People.” In the book, he writes, “Be a good listener. Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.”

To go a step further, a thoughtful question will make the other person think you’re intelligent, both mentally and emotionally. It may also make them reflective and feel vulnerable, leveling the playing field.



Why is asking great questions so important?

“Asking a question puts you in a position of power,” communication expert Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer, tells CNBC Make It. “I can actually raise my status and lower your status when I ask a challenging question.” He adds that asking questions “demonstrates you care, it demonstrates empathy, it demonstrates you’re willing to learn and, in some cases, admit you don’t know everything. Those are all valuable tools and assets to have when you’re trying to grow your career or deepen relationships.”

How to ask great questions

Abrahams says that there are three elements to good questions:

  1. They are concise
  2. They build on what the other person has said, furthering the conversation
  3. They revolve around the conversation topic’s bottom line

A great question allows you to enter the person’s orbit and become a partner or contributor to their endeavors. You are now a collaborator in the project or helping them solve a problem, which enables you to deepen your relationship with them.

Alison Wood Brooks and Leslie K. John at Harvard Business Review say people don’t ask enough questions because they fail to understand how beneficial they are, especially in a professional setting. “Questioning is a uniquely powerful tool for unlocking value in organizations: It spurs learning and the exchange of ideas, it fuels innovation and performance improvement, it builds rapport and trust among team members. And it can mitigate business risk by uncovering unforeseen pitfalls and hazards,” they write.



What is the 43:57 conversation rule?

Study after study shows that listening and asking questions are incredibly powerful tools for building social, romantic, or professional relationships. A 2016 study found the perfect ratio of talking to listening in a conversation is the 43:57 rule.

A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls using artificial intelligence and found that the interactions where the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield.

Even though this study was conducted on business interactions, it shows the power of what can happen when the customer feels heard and believes the salesperson understands their needs. It’s the same in a social situation where the person you’re talking to wants to feel valued and respected.

Ultimately, it should make many people out there breathe a sigh of relief to know that the next time they speak with someone intimidating, they don’t have to try to bowl them over with incredible wit or insights. Instead, you just have to listen and ask a few thoughtful questions, and you’ll balance the power dynamic while coming off as more likable at the same time.

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What's the most clever and confident response to an insult? 6 experts share the best comebacks.

Study these so you'll be ready next time someone tries to insult you.

via SHVETS production/Pexels

A woman can't believe how she was insulted.

An insult can come out of nowhere and at any time. So, it’s best to prepare yourself with a skillful response that doesn’t start a fight but puts the offending person in their place. A great response to an insult makes the other person look worse and shows that you are confident and don’t care what your detractors think.

However, being hit with an insult out of nowhere can be jarring, making a skillful comeback difficult. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of 6 comebacks recommended by 5 therapists and a lawyer to put the hater in their place and make you look even better than before.

How do you respond to an insult?

1. “Are you okay?”

Bernadette Purcell, a popular LCSW on TikTok and author of "Divorced As F,” says that responding with “Are you okay?” puts “them on the defensive and gives you the upper hand.” Depending on how the response is delivered, it can be a genuine question to see if the insulter, who just said something inappropriate, is going through a personal problem. It’s also rooted in the assumption that the person is insecure and is trying to elevate themselves by putting others down. With this response, you seem confident and empathetic.



2. “Hey, flag on the play”

Ajita Robinson, a therapist in Bethesda, Md., told Time she often responds to insults with, “Hey, flag on the play,” a reference to when a referee calls a penalty in football. For example, one of Robinson’s clients went on a date with a man who said some things that were a bit sexually suggestive. So she responded to him with a “Hey, flag on the play.”

“I thought that was pretty cool because she used it as a way to express that this was something she was uncomfortable with,” Robinson says. “It’s lighthearted, but sends a signal that the comment or interaction crossed a boundary.”



How to respond to a backhanded compliment?

3. “I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!”

Jessica Alderson, Co-Founder and Relationship Expert at So Syncd, says one of the best ways to respond to a backhanded compliment is by being humorous. “Employing humor can diffuse the tension of a backhanded compliment while also indirectly addressing the underlying criticism. You could respond with a lighthearted comment such as, ‘I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!’ or ‘I'm glad I exceeded your low expectations’," Alderson told Verywell Mind.

A backhanded compliment is when someone says something that sounds like praise but has a hidden critique or negative twist. It might seem flattering initially, but there's usually an underlying message that the person you’re talking to isn’t being kind. For example, "You look great for someone your age!" is calling you attractive but old at the same time.



4. Do nothing

Riyan Portuguez, MP, RPm, RPsy, has the simplest response, but you must learn to keep a straight face. “So you take the insult, make no reaction to it,” he said on TikTok. “You smile and you look at them in the eye and say nothing. You are composed; it has no effect on you, and make sure you hold that smile and look them in the face and keep him waiting." Grayson Allen, a University of Cambridge graduate who shares TikTok psychology tips, agrees with Portuguez. “If you show that you're completely not phased or didn't even hear it, that's going to be awkward, they're going to look bad, and you're going to be in control,” he said on TikTok.



5. "What was your intention with that comment?"

Jessica Good, a therapist in St. Louis, told Time that this response is both “effective and therapeutic” because “it makes them say the quiet part out loud.” This puts the insulter in a very uncomfortable position of admitting that they intentionally insulted you or forces them to backtrack and lie their way out of the situation, making them look bad.



6. Agree with them

Jefferson Fisher isn't a therapist but a lawyer in Texas who calls himself an "argument expert." He says that when someone insults you, it's to get a dopamine hit. The key is to keep them from enjoying the chemical reaction. If he knows the person who insulted him, he'll agree with the remark. "By agreeing to it, I'll totally take away that satisfaction of the dopamine," Fisher said on TikTok. "So if someone puts me down, I'll say, 'You know, but maybe you're right. And, just checking in, are you feeling okay?' At all times, I'm letting them know I'm the one that's still here and in control."

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