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Etiquette expert shares 5 small talk hacks to make the most awkward person feel confident

"Let's make small talk less dreadful."

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A couple talking on a date.

It’s important to be good at making small talk, it’s how we can make friends in the workplace, find romance on a first date, and maintain meaningful connections with those in our community. However, many people are put off by the prospect of chatting with a stranger because they either find it uncomfortable or simply don’t enjoy discussing trivial topics, such as the weather, sports, or their job.

However, if you’re good at making small talk, you can elevate it to a medium level of conversation, and then hopefully something much more profound. TikToker Mariah Grumet Humbert, (@OldSoulEtiquette) put out a video with five “rapid fire small talk hacks that actually work,” and they're an excellent way for anyone to level up their conversation game.

 coworkers, small talk, conversation, coffee, jokes, communications tips Coworkers having a great conversation. via Canva/Photos

How to improve your small talk skills

“I feel like it’s time small talk gets a rebrand! What do you think? It doesn’t have to be that surface-level conversation that people dread, but it can actually be the start of a good connection or even a simple way to spread kindness,” Humbert wrote on Instagram.

Humbert is a certified etiquette trainer who works with individuals and organizations across the globe, offering private consulting, interactive workshops, webinars, and keynotes on topics such as social, dining, and business etiquette, first and lasting impressions, personal branding, the art of conversation and small talk, the power of your professional presence.

@oldsouletiquette

Small talk hacks that actually work! I know this to be true because I use them all every single day. Let’s make small talk less dreadful! ❤️ #etiquetteexpert #etiquettetips #smalltalk #tips #conversation #hacks

Five ‘rapid-fire’ small talk hacks that actually work

1. Frame your question

“[Frame it] so it prompts the other person to give you a longer-winded answer. For example, instead of saying ‘where did you grow up?’ Say ‘tell me about where you grew up.’”

2. Take note of your surroundings

“Use your host and surroundings to help you get started, as these are things you already have in common with this person.”

3. Have some back-pocket topics

“These are topics you are going to leave in your back pocket in case you need to use them. If there is an awkward silence in the conversation, or perhaps the conversation goes in a direction you don't really want it to go in.”

If you're looking for an easy way to remember some key topics, consider the FORD method: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. You can learn more about that here.

4. Give thoughtful responses

“Your answer should either end in a question for the other person or prompts the other person to ask you a follow-up question.”

5. Choose familiar subject matter

“Focus on bringing up topics that you can talk about endlessly. This will make the conversation flow a lot better.”


Humbert’s list of hacks can be helpful to those who feel uncomfortable making small talk with people because they don’t have a strategy. People may think that those who are adept at making friends at parties simply have the gift of gab or natural charisma. But what Humbert shows is that small talk is like any other skill in life. For many of us, it has to be learned and may not be something you pick up naturally. Now, with a few hacks under your belt, who knows what wonderful people you’ll meet at your next social gathering?

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The 13 signs that someone is 'dangerously good' at reading people

"You feel comfortable talking to them, and you find yourself sharing things with them that you don’t typically share."

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A woman enjoying a conversation while drinking wine.

Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people's words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.

People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?

Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.

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This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.

abusive dad, angy dad, man drinking coffee, man in a robe, man pointingAn angry man in his kitchen.via Canva/Photos

To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What's a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.

Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.

1. You immediately overshare

"You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share."

2. They're hard to read

"They themselves are typically hard to read."

"Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know."

3. They're neutral observers

"Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better."

"My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking."


woman, wine, party, conversation, social event, formal eventA woman having a good conversation.via Canva/Photos


4. They had unpredictable parents

"Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse."

"This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there's a good chance bad things happen to me. It's born out of necessity."

5. They know you before you open your mouth

"They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding."

6. They're accurate

"When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate... like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different."

7. They may sabotage themselves

"People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times."

"OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I've ever seen...and she's terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems."


man and woman, man in suit, serious conversation, talking with hands, blonde manA man and woman in deep conversation. via Canva/Photos

8. They understand receptivity

"Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others."

9. They ask the right questions

"When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.

You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?

Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?

I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?

NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them."


10. They don't show it

"One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic."

11. You don't know them, but they know you

"You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface."

12. They can make friends with anyone

"I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me 'if I want you to be my friend, you will.' I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone."

"That's kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type."

13. You're afraid to lie around them

"You feel like you’re talking to a raven and you’re scared to lie."

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Joy

Small talk coach shares 'low-effort' hack for awkward people to avoid uncomfortable silences

It's easy to remember, super effective, and based in psychology.

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A woman and a man having a nice conversation.

There are few things more uncomfortable than an awkward silence in a conversation. Both people stop talking, and it feels like a hole has been ripped through space and time large enough for a diesel truck to drive through. You need to think of something to say, and fast, or your conversation partner is going to think that you are awkward, mindless, or worse, socially inept.

The good news is that Genny Diehl, a dating coach who professes to be an “expert” on small talk, has a solution to the dreaded uncomfortable silence, and it's based in psychology. “You might have heard of it called ‘reflective listening’ or in therapy training, it's one of the levels of validation. You essentially repeat back to someone what they just said,” Diehl said.

(FYI, Diehl claims to have helped people go on over 1500 dates and has started over 250 relationships.)

@datingcoachdiehl

youll also notice people doing this to you if you pay close attention and tbh its nice #fyp #dating #datingtips #datingadvice #datingcoach #hinge #bumble #datingapps #onlinedating

How to stop uncomfortable silences in conversations

Diehl says that there are two ways to practice reflective listening to end uncomfortable silences in conversations. She suggests that you alternate between the two techniques so as not to seem “annoying” to your conversation partner. “The first is literally word for word. Repeating the last three words that someone said,” she says.

For example, if someone is telling you a story about getting a sunburn and they stop, and there’s a moment of silence, you repeat the last three words, encouraging them to elaborate. “That way you kind of can take a backseat and just occasionally chirp in to let them know you're still listening,” she says.

Them: Wow. The sun wasn’t shining, but I got a sunburn.

You: You got a sunburn?

Them: Oh yes, I was taking a hike in Runyon Canyon…

party, party conversation, band, music, dancing, couples, chattingSome folks gabbing during a party.via Canva/Photos

The second way to use reflective listening to eliminate any uncomfortable silences is to summarize the long story they have just told. “So let's say someone's yapping in for a long period of time, make a mental note summarizing the story that they're telling and repeat it back to them to honestly, genuinely make sure that you're understanding them correctly and give them space to clarify or correct,” she says.

How do I become more likable?

Learning how to be good at reflective listening can prevent unwanted, awkward silences and make you extremely likable. There’s nothing people love more than when someone actively listens to them. In fact, Harvard scholars found that there is a conversational equation that is proven to make people more likable. If you start off a conversation with a question and then ask two follow-ups without making the conversation about yourself, it will dramatically increase your likability.

woman talking, couple on date, woman smiling, conversation, uncomfortable silenceA woman and a man having a nice conversation. via Canva/Photos

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

When most people think about being a great conversationalist, they think it’s all about having the gift of gab or the most entertaining stories. In reality, it’s about making the other person feel comfortable and heard. Therefore, we can become much better conversationalists by working on our listening habits. “The quality of your relationships will definitely go up if you do these things,” Diehl concludes her video, “and you will become one of the favorite people in your social circle.”

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Communication expert shares 2 'subtle yet powerful' things to help us stop saying 'sorry'

So many of us are guilty of this.

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Time to break the habit once and for all.

Nearly all of us have added a quick “sorry” to the beginning of a written or spoken sentence, be it to soften a statement or to maintain an air of politeness. But when starting off with an apology becomes a default way of communicating, it can indicate low self esteem, people pleasing tendencies, or insincerity. Needless to say, none of these things make for successfully getting your message across.

For many people (especially women) over-apologizing stems from being taught that niceness equals likeability. But while genuine apologies of course have their place, habitual, involuntary use of the word “sorry”—especially when a person isn’t at fault for anything—ends up being a form of self sabotage…often in spaces where you need confidence the most.

As keynote speaker, and CNBC Make It contributor Lorraine K. Lee explains, “sorry” is a common form of minimizing language, a topic she regularly talks about. Similar to “um” and “just,” “sorry” undermines what you’re actually trying to say.

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Luckily, Lee has a pretty simple process for breaking the habit.

How to stop saying “I’m sorry”

First and foremost, Lee suggests tracking just how often you might say or write “sorry.”

“The volume may surprise you,” she warns.

According to Sage Therapy, it might be helpful to note what circumstance you were dealing with at the time. Was it at home or at work? Were you dealing with strangers? Did nerves come into play? All of these factors might help identify what sorts of situations, people, or general moods might trigger the behavior.

communication, communication expert, social anxiety, social skills, social tips, communication tips, better communication, cnbc make itA nervous man at a work meetingPhoto credit: Canva

From there, Lee says these two “subtle yet powerful changes” can instantly make your communication stronger, even if you don’t eliminate “sorry” from your vocabulary entirely:

1. Swap apologies for appreciation

For example, instead of saying “sorry I’m late,” Lee suggests using “thanks for waiting.”

2. Cutting right to the chase

Barring when you legitimately need to own up to a mistake, Lee advises doing your best to “trim” the use of it from conversations. For example, saying, “I’d like to add a quick thought” instead of, “Sorry, can I jump in?”

This can go for delivering feedback as well. For example, instead of: “Sorry if this is off base…” Lee says you can use “one thing to consider is…” Alternatively, you could also find additional swap words. For instance, instead of “I’m sorry but I think we should x,y,z,” try “Hear me out, I think we should x,y,z.”

communication, communication expert, social anxiety, social skills, social tips, communication tips, better communication, cnbc make itA person being assertive at a work meeting.Photo credit: Canva

As with changing any habit, it takes practice, and, as Lee noted, “small but intentional steps.” It’s not about getting anything perfect, but rather about eliminating whatever self-made barriers that might be keeping you from expressing your most confident self. This of course is helpful in everyday life, but it’s especially crucial around clients, coworkers, and bosses.

At the very least, it helps us remember that, as Lee put it, “You deserve to take up space just as much as the next person.” and that’s a pretty good mantra to live by. Sorry not sorry.

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