upworthy

communication tips

Joy

The 4 words that can keep conversation flowing forever, even between socially awkward people

You can keep seamlessly transitioning to more interesting topics.

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as in forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminderA man and woman chatting.via Canva/Photos

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement: It reminds me of…”

A redditor named IsaihLikesToConnect shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun.

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminderCoworkers having a conversation.via Canva/Photos

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminderCoworkers having a conversation.via Canva/Photos

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

A great salesman makes his pitch.

Have you ever disagreed with someone, and even though you had all of the facts on your side, you still failed to persuade the other person? You probably walked away thinking they were thick-headed and couldn't accept reality. But it was more likely just because they are human.

People cling to their firmly held beliefs about politics, religion, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza because they are closely attached to who we are as people. If we come to believe our core beliefs aren’t true, then who are we? The funny thing is that if you counter someone with facts, they will often refuse to believe them and hold onto their incorrect belief even more firmly. It’s a psychological phenomenon known as the backfire effect.

So, if you fight with your brother-in-law about crime rates and show him credible FBI statistics that counter his claim, chances are he will tell you that the facts and figures are made up or that the source isn’t trustworthy.

persuasion, arguing, changing mindsFriends get into a fight.via Canva/Photos

How do we change other people’s minds?

So the question is: Is it even possible to change anyone’s mind? Should we even try? The answer is yes, but it is counterintuitive. “A big mistake we make is that we think facts are powerful and that they sway people,” Kurt Gray, a social psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, tells CNBC Make It. Gray is the author of “Outraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common Ground.”

According to Gray, the key to persuading people is seeing them as someone just like you. “We are all just trying to protect ourselves, our family, our kids, and our society,” he says. But we’re fixated on different harms.” He suggests that we establish a connection with the other person and understand their fears.

What’s the best way to argue with someone?

To establish a connection, ask questions about what motivates their belief. If it’s a fear of crime, ask them to share why they feel there is more crime today. Then, validate their feelings by saying you understand why those observations would lead to that conclusion. That’s when you can try and influence their opinion by sharing a personal story about why you feel differently. “Others are more likely to find some merit in your argument if you share a personal anecdote, as opposed to some statistics, to show why you stand where you do,” Gray says.

persuasion, arguing, changing mindsDaughter won't listen to her mother.via Canva/Photos

Whatever you do, don’t make the conversation about scoring points. Be sure it’s an honest discussion about how both of you came to your opinions. “My number one tip is if you go into these conversations trying to win, you’ve already lost because no one ever admits defeat when it comes to morality,” he says. “Sharing and connecting on a human level was more effective than arguing,” Gray told Time. Often, people “think the best thing to do is to argue as aggressively as possible,” but that’s not the case.

Ultimately, you’ll be more successful at sharing your beliefs and influencing others if you go into the conversation attempting to understand the other person’s position instead of proving them wrong. Facts aren’t great at changing people’s minds, but empathy and connection might. So next time you’re in a tense discussion with someone, coo down the situation by ditching the stats and sharing your story. You may not bring the other person to your side, but you may find common ground.

via Canva

A man has a question for his girlfriend.

There isn’t a lot of talk about the differences between ask culture and guess culture, but knowing the differences could seriously change how you communicate with people for the better. Understanding the differences will help you respond to requests honestly, without feeling rude, and show you how to ask people for things without feeling too pushy.

What are Askers and Guessers?

The theory is pretty simple, there are two types of people: Askers and Guessers. In “ask culture,” it’s normal and expected to ask people directly for what you want. Conversely, saying no to other people’s requests is also completely normal. In “ask culture,” it’s OK to make a direct request, and no feelings are hurt if you receive a direct no. The ask culture motto is: No harm in asking, right?

In “guess culture,” you only ask for things if you are sure you will receive a yes. Guessers are more likely to drop hints or make suggestions to someone to gauge their interest and avoid being forthright. To the Guesser, this approach is more polite because you aren’t putting the other person in an uncomfortable position of having to say no. It also saves the Guesser’s face because they don’t have to suffer the pain of rejection.


The two cultures clash when it comes to saying no. Askers will make a request even though there’s a big chance the other person will say no. Because Guessers won't ask if the answer might be no, they might assume Askers expect all of their asks to be answered with yes. Guessers are uncomfortable telling someone no because it feels rude, so they are put in a very awkward position when confronted with an Asker's unrealistic request.

Jessie Stephens, host of the "Mamamia Out Loud" podcast, explained how the Asker versus Guesser dynamic creates uncomfortable situations in her marriage.

@mamamiaoutloud

I have only just learned that “ask” families exist 🙃

“I’ve since had an epiphany that this is a central tension in my relationship with my partner. So, I absolutely grew up in a Guess family,” Stephens said in a clip with over 330,000 views. “In our family, it is understood that when you ask something of someone, you put them in the difficult position of potentially having to say no. So, if I ask someone a favor, for example, that’s a lot of pressure. So you’re going to really consider whether or not you do that to someone.”

However, Stepens' partner is from an Ask family.

“And in Ask families, you just say what you want or what you need, and it’s on the other person to say yes or no,” she continues. “There’s no pressure, he accepts the no, there’s nothing emotional in it. Don’t be passive-aggressive. Just say what you want.”


Stephens adds that there is a gender dynamic to the theory. “Interestingly, in the research around this, there is a gendered element because apparently, men are often, um, able to ask more freely for the things that they want, whereas women are disproportionately guesses," she concludes her video.

Ultimately, the Guesser and Asker theory is a way to help people understand one another more easily. If you’re a Guesser, don’t feel uncomfortable telling an Asker no because they have little fear of being turned down and may expect it. If you’re an Asker, listen to the clues when a Guesser seems to hint they need help so you can give them what they need. If they’re throwing it out there, it’s because they’re sure you’ll say yes.

Craig Ferguson explains his '3 Question Rule.'

“Three things cannot be retrieved: The arrow once sped from the bow. The word spoken in haste. The missed opportunity,” Idries Shah writes in “Caravan of Dreams.” We all have moments when it is best to keep our mouths shut, but unfortunately, we said something careless and hurt someone’s feelings. Unfortunately, as Shah writes, it's impossible to take it back once we utter something regrettable.

Comedian Craig Ferguson, who hosted the CBS late-night talk show “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” from 2005 to 2014, learned to stop saying regrettable things the hard way. By sharing how he solved his problem in his stand-up act, he prevented many people from putting themselves in the same situation. In his 2011 EPIX comedy special, “Does This Need To Be Said?,” he shared how he overcame his habit of making regrettable remarks.

“The three things you must ask yourself before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me, now?” Ferguson joked that it took him three marriages before he learned this lesson. In 2008, he married his third wife, art dealer Megan Wallace-Cunningham, and 3 years later, they had a son.

Warning: Strong language.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Ferguson shared the observation as part of a segment about how people constantly post regrettable things without thinking on the internet. This problem was not present in the Medieval ages when people couldn’t write, had nothing to write with, and had no internet.

The advice, now known by some as the “3-Question Rule,” has caught on beyond the world of stand-up comedy. Justin Bariso, an emotional intelligence expert and the author of "EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence," explained it recently on The Culture Crush podcast.

Here’s how we can put the rule into practice in our everyday lives.

You go to Starbucks in the morning, and they accidentally forget to toast your bagel, and you want to give them a piece of your mind.

Does this need to be said? Nope, just move on with your day.

You notice that a co-worker is coming back from lunch looking intoxicated every day, and it’s beginning to become a problem. You want to let them know that being at work intoxicated is unacceptable.

Does this need to be said? Yes.

Does this need to be said by me? Nope. It is probably best to talk to your manager or HR.

You go out to dinner with some friends, and your spouse shares an embarrassing story about you that you'd rather she didn't share. You want to tell her that she upset you.

Does this need to be said? Yeah, for sure.

Does this need to be said by me? 100%.

Do I need to say this now? No. You can wait until you get home or tomorrow morning so you won’t fight in front of your friends.


The 3-Question Rule is a great way to pause and reflect before putting ourselves in an uncomfortable situation or hurting someone’s feelings. When you start stacking moments where you refrain from giving someone a piece of your mind or making a snide remark, you’ll build an even better inner strength that allows you to respond to situations versus mindlessly reacting. With that comes confidence, assertiveness, and fewer sleepless nights.