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Stop struggling with small talk by using the simple 'FORD method'

This'll make your next party a lot easier.

via Gary Barnes/Pexels

Using the FORD method to make small talk.

There are many reasons why people are nervous about entering social situations where they have to make small talk, such as a work event, a party where they don’t know many people, or at school. Some people don’t enjoy small talk because they get frustrated talking about seemingly unimportant topics.

At the same time, others are shy and afraid they’ll say the wrong thing or run out of topics of conversation. Psychologists suggest those who are uncomfortable knowing what to say should use the FORD method. It’s an acronym that’s an easy way to remember four different topics of conversation that work with just about anyone.

According to Nicole Arzt, M.S., L.M.F.T at Social Self, FORD stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams.

Family

Just about everyone has a family, so it’s a great way to ask someone to share some information about their personal lives without being too forward. Arzt suggests the following questions when making small talk:

Do you have any siblings?

How did you two meet? (if you are meeting a couple for the first time)

How old is your child?

How is your____ (sister, brother, mother, etc.) doing since ____ (event that happened?)

Occupation

Just like a family, almost everyone has a job. Or, if they do not, that can be an interesting topic as well. Here are some starter questions you can ask someone about their job.

What do you do for a living?

How do you like working at _____?

What’s your favorite part of your job?

What made you interested in becoming a _____?

Recreation

You can learn a lot about a person after knowing how they spend their free time. It’s also an excellent way to determine if someone is like-minded and shares the same interests. Here are some questions to get the ball rolling:

What do you like to do for fun?

Have you watched (or read) ______(popular show/book)?

What are you up to this weekend?

Dreams

Learning someone’s hope for the future can tell you much about who they are on a deeper level. They may have just told you about their current job or how they spend their time. But, ultimately, what do they wish to do with their lives? Here’s how to ask someone about their dreams.

Where do you hope to be working in the next few years?

Where would you like to travel?

What’s something you’d like to try in the future?

Would you ever consider trying _____ (particular hobby or activity)?

Arzt also notes that you shouldn’t just be an interviewer. You have to talk about yourself, too. In other words, you need a mutual take-and-give. “Pay attention to someone else's answers and think about how you can draw from your own experience to connect," she wrote.

Not sure how much to say during a conversation? Follow the 43:57 rule. A numbers guy at Gong.io analyzed over 25,000 sales calls with AI and found the perfect speaking-to-listening ratio. Sales soared when the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened for 57%.

Even though this insight is from business calls, it applies to everyday social interactions. It's really about listening and making the other person feel special. After all, who doesn't love feeling heard and appreciated?


This article originally appeared last year.

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Stanford expert shares the number one phrase that people who are good at small talk always use

This will make your next party a lot easier.

via Stable Flow/Unsplash

Some friends enjoying a polite conversation at a party.

Many people don’t like small talk because it forces them to have conversations about trivial topics such as the weather, what they saw on TV the night before, or their weekend plans. Other people don’t like it because it causes them anxiety to talk with someone they may not know well.

Either way, research shows that small talk actually is a big deal. Julia Korn at Forbes says that small talk enables us to find common ground and shared interests, build muscles to overcome social discomfort, and lays the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics.

It also makes us feel good. Studies show that a quick exchange with a barista while getting coffee can result in feelings of belonging and increased happiness.

So, how can we get more out of small talk and make it more comfortable? Stanford lecturer, podcast host, and communication expert Matt Abrahams told CNBC that one small phrase does both, “Tell me more.” He learned the phrase's value by listening to his mother, who had “impressive interpersonal skills.”

“Her favorite phrase was ‘Tell me more,’ and it happens to be one that people who are good at small talk always use,” Abrahams wrote.

The Stanford expert says that the simple phrase works because it is a “support response” that encourages what the speaker is saying instead of being a “shift response” that brings the conversation back to you.

Suppose you’re talking to someone at a party who’s complaining about a lousy dinner they had at a local steakhouse. “The steak was overcooked, and the service was terrible,” they tell you. A proper support response could be, “Tell me more about the service” or “What else didn’t you like about the dinner?"

“Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they said or provide deeper insight,” Abrahams wrote.

On the other hand, a shift response that brings the conversation back to you would be something like, “I once had a bad dinner at a steakhouse…” and then you told that story. People who overuse the shift response are often seen as self-centered or the type of folks who have to make everything about themselves.

That’s a rather annoying personality trait that doesn’t make people a lot of friends or an enjoyable person to work with in the office.

Support responses such as “Tell me more” or “What happened next” are a great way to guarantee that you follow another proven conversation strategy, the 43:57 rule. A marketing whiz over at Gong.io took a deep dive into 25,537 sales calls with the help of AI and discovered a cool tidbit: sales went through the roof when the salesperson chatted 43% of the time and lent an ear for 57%. They've dubbed it the "43:57 rule."

Now, while this gem of wisdom came from business calls, think about our daily chats with friends. It's all about tuning in and showing you care about what the other person has to say. Everyone loves to feel heard and valued.

In the end, the trick to being a great conversationalist isn’t all about being witty, charming, or informed but simply knowing how to listen.


This article originally appeared on 10.5.23

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Jeff Bezos explains why he always speaks last in meetings. It's great advice for everyone.

It's all about listening.

via Seattle City Council/Wikimedia Commons

Jeff Bezos at Amazon Spheres Grand Opening in Seattle.

Amazon and Blue Origin CEO Jeff Bezos recently sat with podcaster Lex Fridman for a rare, long-form interview. Over 2-plus hours, he discussed his thinking process, space exploration, Day 1 mentality, Amazon principles, morning routines and more.

During the conversation, Bezos shared some insights into his work philosophy and one big takeaway was his belief in always speaking last in meetings. The advice is helpful for anyone, whether they want to be a better leader or more persuasive in social situations.

The strategy makes a lot of sense for Bezos. As one of the most influential and successful business leaders in American history, it has to be hard to get an honest opinion from your team when you have such an incredible record of success.

When Bezos speaks first in a meeting, it can significantly affect the feedback he gets from his team.

“In every meeting I attend, I always speak last,” Bezos told Fridman. “I know, from experience, if I speak first, even very strong-willed, highly intelligent, high-judgment participants in that meeting will wonder, ‘If Jeff thinks that? I came into this meeting thinking one thing, but maybe I'm not right.’”

“If you're the most senior person in the room, go last,” Bezos continued. “Let everyone else go first. Ideally, have the most junior person go first—try to go in order of seniority—so that you can hear everyone's opinion in an unfiltered way. Someone you really respect says something? It makes you change your mind a little.”

Executive leadership coach Hortense Le Gentil, author of The Unlocked Leader, agrees with Bezo’s approach to leadership and believes that it allows people to become better listeners, which can help them in all facets of their lives.

“Leaders who keep practicing becoming better listeners develop deeper and stronger connections with their teams, which in turn contributes to boosting their engagement and performance,” Le Gentil writes for Fast Company.

Personal Grown Blogger Brian Walsh says that when we speak last, we give greater accountability to the people we communicate with, whether it’s family, a sports team, a community organization, or coworkers.

“Let’s say you have an idea that you think is best and that you want to be implemented,” Walsh writes at An Insight Into Life. “By speaking first, it may result in people feeling like they are being told what to do, removing them from the creation process. However, you wait until everyone else has spoken and find that someone else also has the same idea. Now by allowing them to suggest it and by agreeing with them, they feel like it is their own.”

“This can also be applied to our personal lives,” Walsh continues. “If you are arguing with someone, they often don’t hear what you are suggesting because their emotions have taken over, and you trying to correct them just adds fuel to the fire. Allow them to talk and keep your suggestions to yourself.”

Although Bezos framed his advice around choosing when to speak, the more important lesson may be deciding when to listen. Being a great listener is valuable because it’s a hard skill to develop. It’s not just about hearing what someone’s saying but understanding, empathizing and withholding judgment at the same time.

Being a good listener is the key to connecting with others, but it’s also a vital tool in personal growth. You can’t learn if you can’t listen.

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Career coach shares the phrase that will stop passive-aggressive coworkers in their tracks

It's all about being direct.

via Jennifer Brick/TikTok and Yan Krukau/Pexels

The phrase that will shut down your passive-agressive coworker.

Dealing with passive-aggressive people, whether at work or in family life, can be very frustrating. It's like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces. Their indirect communication and subtle digs force you to guess what they mean, turning simple conversations into a minefield.

It's draining because you're always on edge, trying to decode hidden messages or intentions, which can create a tense atmosphere. It's tough to have to go through all the extra work when you're just trying to get along and keep things smooth.

It also means that passive-aggressive people can take shots at you that you can’t defend because they hide behind the plausible deniability that they were just being helpful.

Jennifer Brick, a career counselor who goes by the moniker “Your Career Bestie'' has some excellent advice for those forced to deal with passive-aggressive people. She has a simple phrase that, when delivered correctly, can stop them from getting beneath your skin.

@jenniferbrick

Replying to @brett.lancaster you shutdown your passive aggressive coworker, here's why they aren't going to admit they're trying to be hurtful. #career #fyp


“I started using this with passive-aggressive people last year, and there has not been even one case where I have used it where the person hasn’t backed off with their toxic little tail between their legs,” she said in a video with over 1.4 million views.

Brick advises that when dealing with someone who’s passive-aggressive, to in “your most neutral tone” and ask one simple yet direct question: “Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful?"

Brick’s approach is a confident, but non-confrontational way of exposing the passive-aggressive person for their toxic tactics while allowing them to save face. That can be important when you have to deal with them on a regular basis.

In a follow-up video, she notes that it is “by design” that the person will say they’re being helpful.

@jenniferbrick

Replying to @beachy625 ofc they're going to lie, we expect them to. here's why...

“The statement I shared in that video is a light confrontation, and they are going to avoid it at all costs,” she continued. “They are going to backpedal, they are not going to say that their intention is to be hurtful. They want to conceal their toxic selves,” Brick concluded.

Bricks’ advice is helpful because people use passive-aggressive communication to hide behind their nefarious ways so they can be hard to expose. This is a way for you to acknowledge their unfair communication tactics without ratcheting the situation up into a full-blown confrontation.

Dr. Cortney Warren agrees with Brick's tactic. The Harvard-trained psychologist says the key is to remain neutral with the person and ask them about their intentions, just like Brick. "You could say something like: 'I know you’re telling me you’re not upset, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.' Or, 'I get the impression that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?'” she tells CNBC.

This is another way to confidently address the aggressive hidden message without being confrontational.

"Remind them that you care and are willing to talk if and when they’re ready," Dr. Warren continues. "In the meantime, walk away and focus on what you do have control over: you."

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