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Exhausted mom posted a letter begging her husband for help. And then it went viral.

An open letter by Celeste Yvonne shows overwhelmed mothers how to ask for support.

Photo via Celeste Yvonne, used with permission.

Celeste Yvonne wrote a letter to her husband asking for help.

Taking care of a newborn baby is mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting. For the first four months (at least!), new parents have to dedicate every part of themselves to caring for this young life.

There's little time for self-care during this chaotic period, let alone a moment to be fully present with a partner.

A blogger who goes by the name Celeste Yvonne was the mother of a toddler and a newborn and wrote a revealing open letter to her husband asking for more help with their children.

It went viral in 2018 because it paints a very real picture of what it feels like to be a mother who feels stuck doing everything. And the message still resonated deeply today.

It's also important because it gives specific ways for parents to support each other.

Dear Husband,

I. Need. More. Help.

Last night was hard for you. I asked you to watch the baby so I could go to bed early. The baby was crying. Wailing, really. I could hear him from upstairs and my stomach knotted from the sound, wondering if I should come down there and relieve you or just shut the door so I could get some desperately needed sleep. I chose the latter.

You came into the room 20 minutes later, with the baby still frantically crying. You placed the baby in the bassinet and gently pushed the bassinet just a few inches closer to my side of the bed, a clear gesture that you were done watching him.

I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to launch an epic fight that very moment. I had been watching the baby and the toddler all damn day. I was going to be waking up with the baby to feed him all damn night. The least you could do is hold him for a couple of hours in the evening to I can attempt to sleep.

Just a few hours of precious sleep. Is that too much to ask?

I know we both watched our parents fulfill the typical mother-father roles growing up. Both our mothers were the primary caretakers and our fathers were relatively hands off. They were excellent dads, but they weren't expected to spend a significant amount of time changing diapers, feeding, caring, and tending to the kids. Our mothers were the superwomen who maintained the family dynamics. Cooking, cleaning, and raising the children. Any help from dad was welcome, but unexpected.

I see us falling into these family dynamics more and more each day. My responsibility to feed the family, keep the house clean, and take care of the kids is assumed, even as I return to work. I blame myself for most of it too. I have set the precedent that I can do it. And in truth I want to. No offense, but I'm not sure I want to know what a week's worth of dinner would look like with you in charge.

I also see my friends and other moms doing it all, and doing it well. I know you see it, too. If they can manage it, and if our mothers did it so well for us, why can't I?

I don't know.

Maybe our friends are playing the part in public and secretly struggling. Maybe our moms suffered in silence for years and now, thirty years later, they simply don't remember how hard it really was. Or maybe, and this is something I berate myself over every single day, I'm just not as qualified for the job as everyone else. And as much as I cringe just thinking it, I'm going to say it: I need more help.

Part of me feels like a failure for even asking. I mean, you do help. You are an amazing father, and you do a great job with the kids. And besides, this should come easy to me, right? Motherly instincts, no?

But I'm human, and I'm running on five hours of sleep and tired as hell. I need you.

In the morning, I need you to get our toddler ready so I can care for the baby and make everyone's lunches and drink a cup of coffee. And no, getting the toddler ready does not mean plopping him in front of the TV. It means making sure he went potty, giving him some breakfast, seeing if he wants water, and packing his bag for school.

At night, I need an hour to decompress in bed knowing our toddler is asleep in his room and the baby is in your care. I know it's hard to listen to the baby cry. Believe me, I know. But if I can watch and pacify the baby for the majority of the day, you can do it for an hour or two at night. Please. I need you.

On weekends, I need more breaks. Times where I can get out of the house by myself and feel like an individual. Even if it's just a walk around the block or a trip to the grocery store. And some days when I've scheduled swim class and play dates, and it seems like I've got it all under control, I need you to offer to lend me a hand. Or suggest I go lay down during the kids' naptime. Or start putting away the dishes without me suggesting it. I need you.

Lastly, I need to hear you're grateful for all I do. I want to know that you notice the laundry is done and a nice dinner has been prepared. I want to know you appreciate that I breastfeed at all hours and pump when I'm at work when it would be easier for me to formula feed. I hope you notice that I never ask you to stay home from your networking events and sport activities. As the mom, it's assumed I'll be home all the time and always available to care for the kids while you're out and I feed that assumption by, well, being home all the time.

I know it's not how our parents did it, and I hate even asking. I wish I could do it all and make it look effortless. And I wish I didn't need kudos for doing things most people expect from a mom. But I'm waving a white flag and admitting I'm only human. I'm telling you how much I need you, and if I keep going at the pace I've been on, I will break. And that would hurt you, the kids, and our family.

Because, let's face it: you need me, too."

After the video went viral, Yvonne filmed another thanking everyone who read it and addressed the biggest question it raised: Did the letter work?

"Yes, absolutely. Communication works — most of the time," Yvonne said with a laugh. "I told [my husband] all the stuff I'm doing on the back end that he had no idea about. And then he told me all the concerns and the stress he's been having as a new father. Things that I had no idea about. It was so eye-opening, and I'm so grateful for it.”

Watch the YouTube video below:

This article originally appeared on 3.20.18

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Democracy

6 things we can all learn about communication from Pete Buttigieg, regardless of politics

"What's the point of having a conversation if you're not speaking to people who don't already agree with you?"

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore from Surprise, AZ, United States of America

Mayor Pete has made a name for himself as a master communicator.

Watching someone who excels at what they do, especially when they’re at the top of their game, is awe-inspiring. You don’t have to be a basketball fan to be wowed by Steph Curry’s 3-pointers. You don’t have to love gymnastics to be blown away by Simone Biles’ feats.You don’t have to like her music to see that Pink can sing her face off.

And you don’t have to be a Democrat or even into politics at all to appreciate the communication skills of Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg.

The former mayor of South Bend, Indiana, has made a name for himself for his ability to knock interviews out of the park, no matter who they’re with or where they take place. And it's more than just him being a good orator. Public speaking is a different skill set than doing interviews, and extemporaneous interactions—arguably a more difficult arena to master—are where he really shines.

What can we learn from Mayor Pete’s impressive and seemingly rare ability? Let’s break down what makes him such an effective communicator and the lessons we can take from him:

1. Do your research

Buttigieg comes across as knowledgeable because he is. He takes the time to gather relevant facts and statistics about whatever he’s talking about. He doesn’t just offer empty talking points; he backs up his points with facts and figures and examples, which gives him credibility. If he doesn’t know enough about a subject to speak intelligently on it, he doesn’t pretend to. He deftly shifts the conversation to what he does know.

2. Keep your cool

It’s easy to get rattled when you’re live and on the spot, but Buttigieg exemplifies “cool, calm and collected” every single time. Perhaps some of this is just his personality, but it’s also a skill that anyone can practice. It really comes down to emotional regulation—learning to manage nerves, fear, insecurity, anger and frustration. No matter what an interviewer throws at Buttigieg, his ability to regulate his emotional responses enables him to respond with clear, logical confidence.

3. Stay on topic until it's time to move on

What frequently happens in political discourse is that someone will ask a question, the responder will start to answer, and then the interviewer will cut them short to deflect to another point or question or topic. One thing Buttigieg is really good at is resisting the urge to bite when that happens. He is incredibly disciplined at staying on topic and driving home the points he wants to communicate before moving on.

One way he does this is by not leaving any long pauses that allow someone to interrupt. Another way is that he always ready to dip into his well of knowledge to bring up relevant information.

4. Understand the 'other side'

So often, people are so focused on their own perspective that they don’t take the time to learn and understand differing perspectives. Buttigieg not only knows the other person’s opposing arguments, but he also understands the language the opposing side uses to make those arguments. As psychology professor Daniel Meegan points out, Buttigieg presents progressive ideas using conservative framing and language, so people on the "other side" can more easily understand and see themselves in his perspective.

Presenting your ideas in your opponent’s framework is a subtle but brilliant tactic that’s incredibly effective. Instead of triggering instant resistance, you give them an opportunity to hear you out—and maybe even agree with you—without compromising their own values and beliefs.

5. Be willing to converse on unfriendly turf

When asked why he goes on Fox News for interviews so often, Buttigieg responded, "What's the point of having a conversation if you're not speaking to people who don't already agree with you?" He is not only willing to engage with people who disagree, but he's willing to go to them and talk to them on their "turf." He calls it “meeting people where they are” and points out that If no one is willing to present different ideas on a one-sided network, that network’s viewers simply never get to hear them.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

This may actually be Buttigieg's greatest strength, which at its heart is more about a genuine desire to make a difference and to make sure people have a chance to hear different viewpoints than it is about rhetorical skill.

6. Be kind, courteous and fair

No matter where Buttigieg is interviewed or who is interviewing him, he always shows up in a spirit of good faith and expresses gratitude for the opportunity to converse. He doesn't come in with guns a-blazin’ and there’s no air of antagonism on his part. He listens to different perspectives and offers his own, genuinely creating a conversation in which differing viewpoints are heard. He may have to utilize the other skills in this list to prevent those conversations from going off the rails, but he does so without ever appearing rude or argumentative. Few people are able to walk that line, but he does and does it well.

Even if you don't agree with Buttigieg on anything, there's no question that the guy is a master communicator. That's likely a combination of innate ability, an excellent education and practiced skill, but there are things we can all take from observing him, regardless of what we believe or where we fall on the political spectrum.

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Family

Husband leaves a sink full of dirty dishes. But one simple action changes its meaning.

Small gestures can speak volumes.

@susandoingsusanthings/TikTok

Though this image might infuriate you, know there's more to the story.

We’ve probably all (especially moms and wives) have had it up to here with stories of men not being able to really pull their weight in partnerships.

So when I present to you a story about a husband leaving behind a sink full of dirty dishes for his wife to find, you’d probably sooner roll your eyes and contemplate hopping over to Instagram instead than give this one a read.

But hold on just a second, because this story has a surprising hopeful twist.

In a now-viral TikTok post, a wife named Susan shows the mess she woke up to the morning after her husband had friends over to watch a game.

She was initially fuming as she approached the disarray. That is, until she saw the note her husband left behind, saying “I got it!”

For Susan, this changed everything. Her husband acknowledged his mess, communicated that awareness with his wife, and didn’t leave it assuming someone else would take care of it. Which, in turn, made her feel seen and looked out for.

“I just love that he acknowledges that [he] left a mess in the sink, and don't worry, he'll take responsibility for it, but anyways, we've come so far,” Susan says in the clip.

@susandoingsusanthings Leaving a simple note instantly made me not care about the dishes in the sink!! I love communication and we have come so far!! #susandoingsusanthings #marriedlife #marriage #marriagehumor #marriagegoals #marriagecomedy #marriagelife ♬ original sound - SusanDoingSusanThings

Many viewers agreed that this small shift made a world of difference.

“I love this. Like he was tired and didn’t want to do it but knows you shouldn’t have to. What ace communication and all it took was a post-it” one person wrote.

Another echoed, “It’s that easy!!! Like do I want to do the dishes after hosting? Heck no. Let me sleep and I’ll do it in the morning. But the note changes it ALL 🥰.”

On the other hand, many people were still left frustrated, arguing that expectations were still far too low if this simple gesture is receiving such applause.

One person even lamented, “That big sigh and you’ve come so far, I wonder how many fights it took 😫,” to which Susan replied, “We’ve been together for 20 years… Fight = growth.”

She also reiterated that the purpose of the post was to show in real-time how healthy, thoughtful communication between partners can help transform even the most menial task into a positive, even relationship-fortifying, experience.

And that is probably the biggest, most beneficial takeaway to lean into here. Ongoing communication difficulties is listed as the number one cause of divorce, even beating out infidelity. Yes, of course, moms are tired of being the default parents and wives are tired of pulling double duty, but if this story is any indicator, they are also yearning for their partners to meet them halfway on the communication front as well.

And as we can see, even the smallest gestures make big impacts.

In case anyone was wondering: Susan's husband did do the dishes the next day ❤️


This article originally appeared on 1.6.24

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Health

Want to be an excellent conversationalist? You should know the 43:57 rule.

It works for dating, friendships and business.

via Pexels

A couple havng a fun coversation on a date

When we think about gifted conversationalists, we’re more likely to think of great talkers—those who wow us with their insights, wit, and charm. However, communication experts believe that if you want to make a great impression on someone, knowing how to listen goes a long way.

Those of us who love being verbose may think the world loves us because of how well we can talk. But the person sitting in front of you has a lot to say, and nothing makes them feel better during a conversation than your undivided attention.

As the old saying goes, we never quite remember everything someone has said to us, but we’ll never forget how they made us feel. When you actively listen to your conversation partner, they feel that you value them and are receptive to their needs. It also eases any feelings of conflict or resentment.

After a good conversation, the person you spoke with should think, “Wow, that person really gets me,” instead of, “It was like I didn’t even exist.”

A study from 2016 on sales calls did an excellent job of quantifying the amount we should speak versus listen during a conversation. A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls using artificial intelligence and found that the interactions where the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield.

This finding has come to be known as the 43:57 rule.


Even though the study was conducted on business calls, the reason that it works should apply to social conversations as well. Paying more attention helps a salesperson identify the client's needs and makes them feel comfortable spending money because they know it's with someone who understands their interests.

It’s the same as a social situation where the person you speak to wants to know they are valued and you respect what they say.

This is excellent advice, but sometimes it’s hard to listen when you’re in a fun conversation and have a lot to say. Kate Murphy, author of "You’re Not Listening," says it’s all about staying calm.

"Deep breaths are always good. They're always good. Because it...calms down that fear response. It helps you get more centered,” Murphy told WBUR. “But also to develop your curiosity. Like I said, make it more important to be curious than to be right. And to go into every conversation with that mindset of how could I be wrong? Instead of, let me prove how I'm right.”

“That's how you develop creative ideas. It's how you cooperate. It's how you find middle ground, or at least a peaceable existence,” Murphy added.

The idea that to be a great conversationalist one should master the art of listening is a bit counterintuitive. But, if you feel that you have a lot to say in conversations and can be interesting to listen to, imagine how great that’ll make others feel when you show that you enjoy listening to them as well. It’s a virtuous cycle where everyone wins.


This article originally appeared on 3.7.23

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