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Mom shares how to respond to an apology confidently. It's great advice for kids and adults.

Sometimes, "It's okay," just isn't okay.

via Canva/Photos

A man asking a woman for forgiveness

Yasmina Elmerkaoui, a beauty influencer and founder of Merkau, is getting a lot of love on TikTok because she reminds everyone that there is more than one way to respond to an apology. Sometimes, all you have to do is say, “Thank you.” If you were the one who was wronged, why does someone get to control your reaction just because they apologized?

Her thoughts were eye-opening to many people conditioned to give a knee-jerk “It’s okay” response when someone apologizes, even though what they ask forgiveness for probably isn’t “okay.” Elmerkaoui shared her thoughts on a September 2024 episode of the “Hanging for More” podcast she hosts with Maggie Younan.

What's the best way to respond to an apology?

“I’ve taught my kids to say, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’ rather than, ‘That’s OK,’ because the behavior isn’t OK,” Elmerkaoui says. “The apology is welcomed, so it also draws a line and reminds you, no, no, no, that isn’t OK.”

@hangingformorepodcast
How to respond to “sorry” 🙏

Elmerkaoui’s response provides a solid distinction between thanking someone for admitting they were wrong without going so far as condoning their actions. The “thank you” response is also a way to prevent people from acting out of line again. If you tell someone their bad behavior is “okay, " they are more likely to do it again, causing a terrible cycle of poor behavior and apologies. “It reminds everyone else in their life as well that the apology is welcome, but the behavior isn’t okay and I won’t accept it,” she continues.

Elmerkaoui doesn’t expect an “It’s okay” even from her own son because she believes it teaches him poor boundaries. “They say the same to me, like, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’” she goes on. “I’ll even pull them up if they say, ‘That’s okay.’ Noah, especially, he’s such a mama’s boy, he’s like, ‘Mom, that’s okay, you did nothing wrong.’ And I’m like, “No, I did.”

“This is so important. It’s not ok to mistreat others and hide behind an apology. It becomes a cycle,” Rafaela wrote in the comments. “There’s power in saying ‘I forgive you’ too when you genuinely do, but absolutely never ‘it’s fine,’” Allison added.

Some people had never even considered simply saying thank you. “Why have I never thought of this? I've been actively thinking of what a better response would be. I'm trying to stop saying "it's okay,’” Kaitlin wrote.

Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh, agrees with Elmerkaoui’s approach but stresses that we respond to the apology authentically. “It’s important to be genuine without being hostile,” says Schumann. “Research shows that using a ‘constructive voice’ — where you voice your concerns in a positive, calm way — is the most effective way to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending to forgive when you’re not ready are not going to fix the problem.”

Yasmina Elmerkaoui’s simple yet powerful apology approach brought up a meaningful conversation about authenticity and boundaries. Her advice to shift from saying “It’s okay” to “Thank you” encourages a healthier dynamic that doesn’t condone bad behavior but places a high value on accountability. It acknowledges the hurt while bringing things to a sincere resolution. Elmerkaoui’s advice reminds us that we may not be able to control how people treat us, but we have complete power over how we respond.

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Wondering whether to let your kid quit a sport or activity? Try using this simple gauge.

Olympic gymnast Nastia Liukin's 'good day' advice can help parents and kids determine if quitting is the right thing.

Photo by Adrià Crehuet Cano on Unsplash

It can be hard to know when your child should quit an activity.

One of the hardest parts of parenting is discerning when to push and when to pull back, when to stand firm and when to back off, when to make kids do things and when to let them make their own decisions. You want your children to build the virtues of perseverance and resilience, but you also want to encourage independence and decision-making. Depending on the personalities of your kids, those lessons can be really tricky to balance.

Some things are non-negotiable, of course, such as household chores, pet care and seatbelts. But a sport or activity a child has chosen to do is a different story. It's almost inevitable that a child will want to quit something at some point, which is sometimes the right thing to do and sometimes isn't. How do we as parents determine—or help our kids determine—whether to have them stick with piano, karate, soccer, Scouts… or let them quit?

Former Olympic gymnast Nastia Liukin has shared her thoughts about quitting or wanting to quit when the going gets tough, which inspired some viral parental advice.

Perkins Music Studio shared a series of infographics from Big Life Journal outlining Liukin's advice, which has been shared more than 11,000 times on Facebook. The beauty of it is in its logic and simplicity (in addition to the fact that it came from someone who understands persevering through difficulties).

The advice reads:

"Imagine your child comes back from a practice and says: 'I hate karate! It's too hard. I don't want to do this anymore!' Just tell them this: 'Okay, you can quit. But not today.' Then explain: 'We all have bad days when we want to quit. When something feels hard, our brain and body resist because they want us to be comfortable. But if we quit on a bad day, we will never become great at something and we might regret this later.'

'So here's the deal. You can quit on a good day. When you have had a successful day and still want to quit, let's talk.'

"This approach normalizes struggle (which builds resilience) and honors your child's choice if they want to try something else.

"We all have these days when it's just too hard. To build resilience, adopt this mantra: Never quit on a bad day."

As a mom of three, I've been through the kid-wanting-to-quit dilemma too many times to count. Sometimes it's clear that an activity just isn't a good fit for a kid and the choice is simple. Sometimes others are relying on a kid not quitting, such as in a lot of team sports, so it's wise to at least push through to the end of a season or at least through a predetermined date. Oftentimes, it really is just a rough day or a rough patch they're going through, and in that case the "only quit on a good day" advice is so helpful.

If a kid isn't having any good days, only bad ones, that's hard. Some things just aren't right from the get-go, and if a kid is consistently hating what they're doing, pushing them to continue seems a bit cruel. However, it could be that the kid is having trouble getting adjusted to something new and just needs time. It can also be tricky to determine how much of the issue is incompatibility with the activity versus incompatibility with the people involved (or leading) the activity.

From my own experience, if a kid wants to quit, those feelings are real in the moment whether quitting is really the right thing or not. We've always been understanding and sympathetic, but usually had our kids stick it out for a bit to see if things got better. If it didn't get better, then they could move on to something else. There's no shame in stopping something that isn't right for you, whether you're young or old, in a sport or in a job. In fact, that's just as important a life lesson as learning to persevere through difficulties.

But I do wish I'd had this advice to never quit on a bad day/only quit on a good day when my kids were younger. That would have made discussing and making these decisions a whole lot simpler for all of us.

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3 reasons to stop praising dads for doing what they're supposed to.

Because if moms aren't viewed as heroes for creating a ponytail or changing diapers, neither should dads.

Jackie is a mom of two living in Tampa. She's not a fan of the praise dads are getting lately for raising their kids.

"I know this is going to sound bitter, but all of the dad-worship stuff needs to stop," Jackie told me. "It seems like all a man needs to do is change a diaper or braid hair, and he's instantly a superstar."

She's probably not alone.

For every woman who swoons at seeing a photo like this, there is another one rolling her eyes wondering what the big deal is.

We all love seeing photos of dads with their kids ... right? Photo from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed, used with permission.

Where did all of this praise for dads come from? The Internet lost its collective mind over a recent Super Bowl commercial featuring dads doing their daughters' hair, so we know this phenomenon is real.

Maybe it's because people love seeing men with their babies. Maybe it's because our expectations for fathers have gotten so low that we're excited to see them doing anything with their children.

Regardless of the reasons, moms like Jackie aren't amused.

PLOT TWIST: Many dads don't want credit for doing dad stuff either.

Rick Brown is all smiles with one of his five daughters, Madison. Photo from Rick Brown, used with permission.

Meet Rick. He's a dad to five daughters and absolutely loves his girls to death.

One day while his wife was busy, Rick loaded up his girls into his car and took them to the local library to do some reading. Then things started to get strange. People kept staring at him as if he was an "exotic zoo animal." Finally, a woman stopped him to say how "amazing" it is that a dad was at the library with his girls.

Here's the thing about Rick and other dads like him: He's not interested in receiving compliments on how he does his daddy thing.

"I truly enjoy spending time with my daughters," Rick told me. "I don't think dads should get credit for being parents."

You know what? The dude's right.

With that, here are three simple takeaways regarding the recent dad-worship epidemic.

1. Making the ordinary extraordinary is, well, dumb.

Let's pretend that you like to brush your teeth before leaving the house every morning. (Actually, let's not pretend. That's probably something grown folks should be doing on the daily.)

Minty fresh breath, baby.

Now let's pretend that as you're strolling down the street, people stop you to share the following thoughts:

"Whoa! You brushed your teeth today?! You are amazing!"

"I wish everyone could be like you. Good oral hygiene is soooooo important!"

"You are such a role model. You make fresh breath cool!"

That would be weird, right?

It's normal to brush our teeth. It's not less weird for dudes to receive praise for doing the "normal" child-rearing tasks.

"I was once told that I must be a great dad because I hold my daughter so well," Jason, a dad to a 6-month-old daughter, told me.

What does that even mean? How do you respond to something like that?

GIF from "The Hangover."

We (dads) aren't bumbling buffoons. We know what we're doing.

But when men are seen as "great dads" just because we can hold babies without injuring them, we know that the fatherhood bar needs to be raised.

Which leads to the next point.

2. All of the daddy praise makes it harder for moms to be moms.

Whether we like it or not, the pressure to be a good mom is real. When we live in a world where dads can put videos like this online and are seen as geniuses, it leaves some moms frustrated.

"I struggle with parenting, like many women I know," Jackie said. "I feel like I always have to be perfect while dads can skate along by doing pretty much anything."

If we put our hearts and soul into something, we want to know that we're doing a good job. Motherhood is no different.

These ladies have a frustrating gig, and they want to be acknowledged for it. Melissa, a mom of three shared that exact sentiment:

"My husband can put my daughter in a lumpy ponytail, and he's a hero. If I did that, I'll be seen as the worst mom ever. Guess what? Sometimes I don't have the energy to style hair perfectly or create perfectly healthy meals. But I work just as hard being a parent as he does. Why can't society see that?"

Thankfully there's a pretty easy fix to the problem: equal praise for equal work.

If we're going to praise dads for completing tasks with or for their kids, we should praise moms just as much for doing the same thing. No exceptions.

Because let's be real: The next time a mom is viewed as a hero for creating a ponytail will be the first time.

3. The dad-worship thing needs to be everywhere before it goes away.

Wait ... what?

Stay with me.

There are a lot of articles celebrating fatherhood around here. But let's look at it a little differently.

Back in 1987, people celebrated the fact that Doug Williams was the first African-American quarterback to start (and win) a Super Bowl.

It was a really big deal.

The media was all over Doug Williams back in the day. Photo by Mike Powell/Getty Images.

But it was a really big deal because we hadn't seen it before.

In 2016, there are many African-American quarterbacks in football, and we hardly blink an eye at them. Why? Because it's normal now.

There is good news for people who are growing weary of the daddy love on the Internet: This too shall pass.

As counterintuitive as it may seem, the only way to truly normalize good dads is to celebrate them.

Yeah, I said it.

Share them, talk about them, love them, and celebrate the hell out of these dudes when you see them.

When you see a dad going viral for something that a mom can do blindfolded, just smile knowing it signifies that we're one step closer to it becoming old news.

Eventually dads braiding hair and holding dance parties for our kids will be as newsworthy as brushing our teeth.

And quite frankly, that's the way it should be.

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Dad's reaction to his son's spilled Slushee shows positive parenting in action - Upworthy ›

Raising boys to be feminists doesn't just help girls and women. It helps boys, too.

Joanna Schroder is a proud feminist. She wants to raise her two sons to be proud feminists as well.

Joanna enjoys spending quality time with her boys, but she also values teaching them important lessons on masculinity. Photo from Joanna Schroeder, used with permission.

Schroeder is passionate about feminism due to her upbringing. In addition to her degree in women's studies from UCLA, she's part of a three-generation legacy of strong women, dating back to her grandmother who fought against sexist hiring standards in the 1930s.

But once her two sons came into the picture, things changed a bit.

"When I became a mom, my focus as a feminist shifted to what is happening with boys in society today," she told me. "That's why I believe in a feminist parenting style as I raise my sons."

Feminist parenting. Yep, it's a thing.

She's quick to point out that raising boys to be feminists is way more than just helping them become allies for women. Smashing gender norms helps our sons out, too.

Here are three reasons why Joanna believes raising our boys to be feminists is good idea.

1. It builds the foundation that boys are never justified in hurting or bullying girls.

Bullying is never OK. Photo from iStock.

There are a lot of seemingly innocent things we say about our boys:

"Boys will be boys."

"Don't worry. He's just mean to you because he likes you."

Joanna isn't buying any of it.

"Being a feminist parent doesn't allow for boys' bad behavior to be excused due to gender," she said. "Feminist parents believe that boys and girls are equally able to make choices that put empathy and kindness first."

Not to mention, studies have shown that gender-based language such as "boys will be boys" can lead our kids to subscribe to harmful stereotypes about what men and women can (or can't) do.

2. Crying? Yep, it's OK for boys to be emotional.

Yes, boys can cry, too. Photo from iStock.

Back in the day, if a boy was caught crying, he might catch a lecture from a well-meaning adult or be targeted by other kids who thought he was being a "sissy."

Things have improved in that regard lately. Or have they?

"From the time they're small, we tell boys to 'man up' and we try to stop them from crying," Joanna said. "Language like that keeps boys quiet when they're hurt, and it tells them that they're not allowed to seek support when times are tough."

The whole "be a man" narrative really only allows men to experience three emotions: happiness, lust, and anger. Here's the thing — no matter what our gender is, sadness exists in all of us, too.

GIF from "Inside Out."

A recent study found that only 19% of men felt comfortable talking about their problems with others. It doesn't take a big leap to figure out that most of the men who keep their feelings bottled up learned to do so at an early age.

Unfortunately, bottling up emotions comes at a steep price. Males account for over 75% of all suicides, and they're more than four times as likely to commit suicide than females.

That is a big problem. A problem that Joanna hopes parents of young boys will address by allowing boys to be their true selves.

"Raising feminist sons, allowed to express the full range of their feelings and find support when they're feeling sad or scared, can help our boys live longer, happier lives," Joanna said.

3. It prepares boys to be loving, supportive dads in the future.

If a boy chooses to have children when he becomes a man, it will be the most important job he will ever have. But in order for boys to truly realize their potential as fathers, Joanna believes it all starts with how we raise them now.

"When we allow boys to see themselves as kind, empathetic, loving people, they are able to see themselves as engaged dads," Joanna said. "Dads who will help break the cycle of toxic masculinity."

How can we do that? Heather Mainville, a single mom of an 8-year-old son named Joey believes having boys playing with dolls helps.

Joey is one of many boys who enjoy playing with dolls. Photo provided by Heather Mainville, used with permission.

"Joey loves dolls and has the confidence to speak up when he hears that boys shouldn't play with them," Heather told me. "He's also a loving and protective playmate with younger children due to learning empathy at a young age."

I like Joey's chances to be an excellent dad in the future.

Joanna believes that boys can also let go of the notion that their roles as men and fathers are to be financial providers. Instead they can be providers of a different kind.

The kind who reads books to his kids. The kind who attends his kids' doctor appointments. The kind who prepares healthy meals for his kids. The kind who styles his daughter's hair. The kind who isn't afraid to be affectionate around his kids.

Modern dads are learning to provide for their kids with more than just their paychecks. Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed, used with permission.

In other words, boys can learn to grow up to be the type of dad everyone expects them to be.

"That allows for their partners to enter the workforce to their full capacity, knowing that their men are empowered as a different type of provider, too," Joanna said.

No matter what you think of feminist parenting, we all have one thing in common.

There are people who think that teaching our boys to be feminists is a bad idea. But what isn't up for debate is we need to do whatever we can to help our boys to become the best men they can be.

Joanna agrees. She just has strong opinions on how to go about it.

"Feminist parenting directly combats toxic masculinity, which ultimately offers all of our kids a better future," she said.

For more insight into what "toxic masculinity" looks like, and why it's important to fight it, check out the recent documentary "The Mask You Live In," which explores how boys deal with navigating between being true to themselves and satisfying society's definitions of masculinity.

Needless to say, it can be a tough road for our young men. It's up to us to help them.

child-rearing

Sometimes, "It's okay," just isn't okay.

What's the best way to respond to an apology?

He was tired of only hearing about how his life would soon be over and how he'd never sleep again.

Olympic gymnast Nastia Liukin's 'good day' advice can help parents and kids determine if quitting is the right thing.

Because if moms aren't viewed as heroes for creating a ponytail or changing diapers, neither should dads.

Jackie is a mom of two living in Tampa. She's not a fan of the praise dads are getting lately for raising their kids.

PLOT TWIST: Many dads don't want credit for doing dad stuff either.

1. Making the ordinary extraordinary is, well, dumb.

2. All of the daddy praise makes it harder for moms to be moms.

3. The dad-worship thing needs to be everywhere before it goes away.

When you see a dad going viral for something that a mom can do blindfolded, just smile knowing it signifies that we're one step closer to it becoming old news.

Raising boys to be feminists doesn't just help girls and women. It helps boys, too.

Joanna Schroder is a proud feminist. She wants to raise her two sons to be proud feminists as well.

1. It builds the foundation that boys are never justified in hurting or bullying girls.

2. Crying? Yep, it's OK for boys to be emotional.

3. It prepares boys to be loving, supportive dads in the future.

No matter what you think of feminist parenting, we all have one thing in common.