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Three simple things you can say to stop a 'rude' kid's attitude, according to a psychologist

These three lines can "immediately set you on the path for a positive interaction."

Photo credit: Canva

A child throwing a temper tantrum.

At some point, every parent has to deal with a child who talks back and makes rude comments. It’s a normal part of growing up. But it’s a parent's job to stop it before it becomes an everyday behavior and an ingrained part of their personality.

Stopping rude behavior can be especially difficult for parents because it's easy to get upset and escalate the situation when their children talk back or act rudely.

The good news is that Dr. Becky is around to show us how to handle these situations like an adult. Dr. Becky Kennedy is a popular social media clinical psychologist who founded “Good Inside,” a program that helps support parents and children through every developmental phase.

Dr. Becky shared 3 lines parents can use to respond to rudeness and talking back. “These will help you de-escalate the situation and immediately set you on the path for a positive interaction with your kid,” she says at the start of her video.

Line 1: “I hear you, and you must be really upset to say something like that to me.”

Line 2: “Look, all I’m saying is I know you’re a good kid, even when you say some not so good things.”

Line 3: “I know there’s another way you can say that to me. Do you want to try again?”

At first, a lot of folks may think that Dr. Becky is asking us to be too permissive of a kid who mouths off. But she has another perspective. “Now, I know what you might be thinking: ‘Am I just kind of permitting this rudeness?'” she says. “No! You are acting like an adult.” She says the key is avoiding being pulled into a power struggle or escalation of rudeness.

“You are not being pulled into a power struggle or rudeness escalation. Yes, it might feel good in the moment to say something like, ‘You can’t talk to me like that, you’re so disrespectful, no iPad tonight!’ But we know if we give rudeness back to our kid, they are just going to give more rudeness back to us. That is so ineffective and we have to be the adult. So try one of those lines and let me know how it goes,” Dr. Becky said.

The key question for parents to consider in this situation is: Am I reacting or responding to my child’s behavior? Dr. Becky believes we should respond to the situation calmly and redirect the child’s behavior.

One commenter put Dr. Becky’s advice into action and had a great result.

“This absolutely works! My son said something awful to me the other morning while getting ready for school. I thought of you , took a deep breath, and said, ‘Wow, you must be really upset to have said that to me’ and he just nodded and said, ‘I am.’ We hugged, he even apologized and we connected,” A commenter wrote.

A fellow therapist, Dr. Claudia Luiz, explained the psychological concept behind Dr. Becky’s advice a bit further.

“This is what psychoanalysis calls ‘fusion.’ When the bad is fused with good, it neutralizes toxic interactions. Fusion is hard to achieve. Negative feels eclipse the living, positive ones, leading to ‘rudeness.’ To get more ‘fused’ you start by processing your impatience with your own negative feelings. You can learn to appreciate why it’s hard to dislike and feel angry at your children with fusion to feel less intense or disregulated. With fusion, you can be more chill,” Dr. Luiz wrote.

rude kids, dr becky, raising goods kids, kid acting out, gentle parenting, parenting tipsA kid sticking their tongue outPhoto credit: Canva

Dr. Becky’s advice is valuable because most parents would have a knee-jerk reaction to their child being rude and attempt to punish them or correct them in a harsh manner. However, Dr. Becky says that it’s best to diffuse the situation instead and that will make it less likely for the child to be rude because they aren’t getting the response they want. But what they are getting is something more, a chance to connect with a parent and an open, safe space to share their feelings without having to mask them in hostility.

Similarly, Dr. Becky has advised parents against putting too much energy into "fixing" things for their kids, saying "it's not our job to make kids happy." Instead, she suggests to essentially hold space for whatever discomfort or frustration the child is experiencing in the moment. This could mean literally sitting next to them, and offering them reassuring words like "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this/ I believe you/tell me more." And then, the hard part—not doing anything else.

Raising emotionally resilient kids isn't always the easiest thing, but it's so important for living a healthy adulthood. And often, as Dr. Becky's tips illustrate, a lot of it comes down with being able to "tolerate distress" ourselves as parents. Find even more expert-backed suggestions on how to do that by following Dr. Becky on Instagram.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Parenting

10 ways kids appear to be acting naughty but actually aren't

Many of kids' so-called 'bad' behaviors are actually normal developmental acts of growing up.

Photo by Allen Taylor on Unsplash
two toddler pillow fighting

When we recognize kids' unwelcome behaviors as reactions to environmental conditions, developmental phases, or our own actions, we can respond proactively, and with compassion.

Here are 10 ways kids may seem like they're acting "naughty" but really aren't. And what parents can do to help.

1. They can't control their impulses.

Ever say to your kid, "Don't throw that!" and they throw it anyway?

Research suggests the brain regions involved in self-control are immature at birth and don't fully mature until the end of adolescence, which explains why developing self-control is a "long, slow process."

A recent survey revealed many parents assume children can do things at earlier ages than child-development experts know to be true. For example, 56% of parents felt that children under the age of 3 should be able to resist the desire to do something forbidden whereas most children don't master this skill until age 3 and a half or 4.

What parents can do: Reminding ourselves that kids can't always manage impulses (because their brains aren't fully developed) can inspire gentler reactions to their behavior.


2. They experience overstimulation.

We take our kids to Target, the park, and their sister's play in a single morning and inevitably see meltdowns, hyperactivity, or outright resistance. Jam-packed schedules, overstimulation, and exhaustion are hallmarks of modern family life.

Research suggests that 28% of Americans "always feel rushed" and 45% report having "no excess time." Kim John Payne, author of "Simplicity Parenting," argues that children experience a "cumulative stress reaction" from too much enrichment, activity, choice, and toys. He asserts that kids need tons of "down time" to balance their "up time."

What parents can do: When we build in plenty of quiet time, playtime, and rest time, children's behavior often improves dramatically.

3. Kids' physical needs affect their mood.

Ever been "hangry" or completely out of patience because you didn't get enough sleep? Little kids are affected tenfold by such "core conditions" of being tired, hungry, thirsty, over-sugared, or sick.

Kids' ability to manage emotions and behavior is greatly diminished when they're tired. Many parents also notice a sharp change in children's behavior about an hour before meals, if they woke up in the night, or if they are coming down with an illness.

What parents can do: Kids can't always communicate or "help themselves" to a snack, a Tylenol, water, or a nap like adults can. Help them through routines and prep for when that schedule might get thrown off.

woman hugging boy on her lapPhoto by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

4. They can't tame their expression of big feelings.

As adults, we've been taught to tame and hide our big emotions, often by stuffing them, displacing them, or distracting from them. Kids can't do that yet.

What parents can do: Early-childhood educator Janet Lansbury has a great phrase for when kids display powerful feelings such as screaming, yelling, or crying. She suggests that parents "let feelings be" by not reacting or punishing kids when they express powerful emotions. (Psst: "Jane the Virgin" actor Justin Baldoni has some tips on parenting through his daughter's grocery store meltdown.)

5. Kids have a developmental need for tons of movement.

"Sit still!" "Stop chasing your brother around the table!" "Stop sword fighting with those pieces of cardboard!" "Stop jumping off the couch!"

Kids have a developmental need for tons of movement. The need to spend time outside, ride bikes and scooters, do rough-and-tumble play, crawl under things, swing from things, jump off things, and race around things.

What parents can do: Instead of calling a child "bad" when they're acting energetic, it may be better to organize a quick trip to the playground or a stroll around the block.

a young boy running through a sprinkle of waterPhoto by MI PHAM on Unsplash

6. They're defiant.

Every 40- and 50-degree day resulted in an argument at one family's home. A first-grader insisted that it was warm enough to wear shorts while mom said the temperature called for pants. Erik Erikson's model posits that toddlers try to do things for themselves and that preschoolers take initiative and carry out their own plans.

What parents can do: Even though it's annoying when a child picks your tomatoes while they're still green, cuts their own hair, or makes a fort with eight freshly-washed sheets, they're doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing — trying to carry out their own plans, make their own decisions, and become their own little independent people. Understanding this and letting them try is key.

7. Sometimes even their best traits can trip them up.

It happens to all of us — our biggest strengths often reflect our weaknesses. Maybe we're incredibly focused, but can't transition very easily. Maybe we're intuitive and sensitive but take on other people's negative moods like a sponge.

Kids are similar: They may be driven in school but have difficulty coping when they mess up (e.g., yelling when they make a mistake). They may be cautious and safe but resistant to new activities (e.g., refusing to go to baseball practice). They may live in the moment but aren't that organized (e.g., letting their bedroom floor become covered with toys).

What parents can do: Recognizing when a child's unwelcome behaviors are really the flip side of their strengths — just like ours — can help us react with more understanding.

8. Kids have a fierce need for play.

Your kid paints her face with yogurt, wants you to chase her and "catch her" when you're trying to brush her teeth, or puts on daddy's shoes instead of her own when you're racing out the door. Some of kids' seemingly "bad" behaviors are what John Gottman calls "bids" for you to play with them.

Kids love to be silly and goofy. They delight in the connection that comes from shared laughter and love the elements of novelty, surprise, and excitement.

What parents can do: Play often takes extra time and therefore gets in the way of parents' own timelines and agendas, which may look like resistance and naughtiness even when it's not. When parents build lots of playtime into the day, kids don't need to beg for it so hard when you're trying to get them out the door.

9. They are hyperaware and react to parents' moods.

Multiple research studies on emotional contagion have found that it only takes milliseconds for emotions like enthusiasm and joy, as well as sadness, fear, and anger, to pass from person to person, and this often occurs without either person realizing it. Kids especially pick up on their parents' moods. If we are stressed, distracted, down, or always on the verge of frustrated, kids emulate these moods. When we are peaceful and grounded, kids model off that instead.

What parents can do: Check in with yourself before getting frustrated with your child for feeling what they're feeling. Their behavior could be modeled after your own tone and emotion.

10. They struggle to respond to inconsistent limits.

At one baseball game, you buy your kid M&Ms. At the next, you say, "No, it'll ruin your dinner," and your kid screams and whines. One night you read your kids five books, but the next you insist you only have time to read one, and they beg for more. One night you ask your child, "What do you want for dinner?" and the next night you say, "We're having lasagna, you can't have anything different," and your kids protest the incongruence.

When parents are inconsistent with limits, it naturally sets off kids' frustration and invites whining, crying, or yelling.

What parents can do: Just like adults, kids want (and need) to know what to expect. Any effort toward being 100% consistent with boundaries, limits, and routines will seriously improve children's behavior.


This story first appeared on Psychology Today and was reprinted here 7.20.21 with permission.

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Mom shares the 9 minutes that are most important in a child's day and the experts agree

These are the times to "foster security."

via RDNE Stock project/Pexels

A mother and daughter read before bed.

In a world where both parents usually have to work to support a child, it’s rare that a parent can spend the entire day with their kids. So, as parents, we have to do our best to be there when they need us the most.

TikTokker Sara Martinez says there are 3 key moments a day when a parent should be with their child: the three minutes after they wake up, the three minutes after they get home from school or daycare, and the three minutes before they go to bed.

Affective neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp is widely credited with the 9-minute theory. “It’s a common thread among parents, from those who stay at home and juggle countless tasks to working parents who face their own unique challenges,” Martinez told Newsweek.

Joanna Seidel, MSW, RSW, the Clinical Director and Founder of Toronto Family Therapy & Mediation Inc., says that the 9-minute practice is probably related to attachment theory. “The times the mother is referencing in the video are all significant—they are times of routine and transition—therefore moments where critical parenting is involved,” Seidel told Parents.

@iamsaramartinez

I always struggle with mom guilt and questioning if i was present enough. If this is true or not, I do find setting aside specific time to be present with my toddler (no phones out, etc) has made a positive impact. #raisingkids #parenting #parentingtips #parentingtip #childpsychology #raisingtoddlers #toddlerparents #toddlermom #presentparenting #toddlermama #raisingchildren

She adds that being present for children during these 3 key moments helps foster “security, consistency, and a meaningful presence—all of which is done to form a secure (emotional and physical) foundation for your child(ren).”

The 9-minute theory resonated with many of the moms who watched the video. “This is such a comforting theory for a working mom,” Marisa wrote. “I’m not perfect but I can try to be in THOSE 9 minutes,” Emmy added.

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Therapist shares science-backed phrases that parents can use to gently defuse a meltdown

It's perfectly natural to want to raise your voice when a toddler is having a tantrum. But experts say there is a better way.

Canva

Finger pointing is actually NOT one of the suggested strategies

When your toddler has a meltdown, it's perfectly natural to want to fly off the handle.

There's nothing more infuriating than a small human repeatedly demanding something that's physically impossible for you to give them, or wailing because you had to punish them after repeatedly telling them to knock it off.

"I CREATED YOU, YOU LITTLE MONSTER. I CAN DESTROY YOU," you might want to say (though you never would). You love your kids — of course you do — but damn if they aren't the best at pushing you to your breaking point.

As tempting as it may be to raise your voice, yell, and keep ramping up the punishment to ridiculous levels, some parenting experts say there's a much better option.

Vanessa Lapointe, a mom and professional psychologist, suggests something called "discipline without damage."

Lapointe defines this practice, sometimes called "compassionate parenting," as an intervention that reinforces connection, not separation — in other words, staying calm and kind while setting firm boundaries for kids in a way that doesn't dampen their spirits or preach obedience above all else.

This isn't just some new-agey, feel good stuff: Lapointe says it's all based on science and the way children's brains develop.

"Our job as parents is to grow up children who are hardy. Not children who are hardened," she explained in an essay for The Huffington Post. "Children who are hardy can weather the storms of life. Children who are hardened cannot, and instead tend to shut down and have ineffective coping strategies."

Lapointe recently released a nifty "Discipline Cheat Sheet" that offers some simple changes to the words we use when faced with a meltdown that can completely change the tenor of the situation for the better.

The Discipline Cheat Sheet: An Infographic

drvanessalapointe.com

Here's how this technique might play out.

Say your toddler colored on the wall with bright green crayon.

Instead of screeching something along the lines of "What were you thinking?!??!" Lapointe recommends using a kind and compassionate tone and saying something more like, "You know I don't want you coloring on the walls. We need to get this cleaned up."

"No!" your kid might respond, with a stomp of a tiny foot. "I don't want to!"

"Come on," you say, keeping your voice calm. "I'll show you where the cleaning supplies are and help you get started."

Now, ideally, that would be enough. Your toddler would calm down and gladly help you clean the walls. When it comes to toddlers, however, parents know things are rarely that easy.

What if by then he's too upset and has thrown himself to the ground in protest, banging fists against the floor? Instead of finally breaking and losing your temper, it's time to try a different tactic from the cheat sheet.

"I can see this is tricky for you. We're going to solve this later. Let's get a drink of water," you can say.

He may agree or not. But eventually, he will calm down (every parent knows that they always do), and you can show him how to get the crayon off the wall.

When the wall is finally clean, turn to him and say, "Let's find a better place to keep your coloring supplies so this doesn't happen again."

The whole conflict may take a while, and you may have to go back to the cheat sheet to try many of these different techniques, but in the end, you get what you want (a clean wall) without yelling at, frightening, or physically forcing your toddler to clean it up. At the same time, your kid learns that their actions have consequences.

The reality is that most toddlers are nearly psychologically incapable of impulse control. No amount of yelling or being a strict disciplinarian can change the wiring of their brains. And though the phrases in the chart above are best for young children, the same principles of compassionate parenting apply to older kids, too.

The chart has been shared far and wide across the web, though Lapointe's approach isn't without its critics.

Some parents worry that her recommendations feel an awful lot like "helicopter parenting" and isn't strong enough to teach kids about independence and feeling the consequences of their actions.

Lapointe says these people are missing the point. She spells out the difference:

"The hoverer is worried, nervous, and uncertain, and prevents their child from ever having to come to terms with the things in life that simply cannot be. The provider is confident, all-knowing, and in charge, and supports the child in regulating around their upset in coming to terms with the things in life that cannot be. "

She urges parents to remember that kids are kids and not to expect them to understand the world as adults do.

Compassionate parenting is more than just a few handy phrases.

The phrases on Lapointe's cheat sheet are a great first step for reframing the way we react when our kids start misbehaving, but they're not the only tool a compassionate parent can keep in their back pocket. For parents looking for an alternative to punishment and escalating behavior, however, Lapointe's cheat sheet could be just the help they need to stay calm in the face of a toddler tornado.

Though easier said than done, a simple, "Come here, I've got you," could be exactly what your kid needs to hear.


This article originally appeared on 07.21.17

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