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Psychologist shares 3 things you can say to a 'rude' kid to stop the attitude

Dr. Becky has 3 lines that parents can use to defuse the behavior.

via Hunter Johnson/Unsplash

A rude child sticking out his tongue.

At some point, every parent has to deal with a child who talks back and makes rude comments. It’s a normal part of growing up. But it’s a parent's job to stop it before it becomes an everyday behavior and an ingrained part of their personality.

Stopping rude behavior can be especially difficult for parents because it's easy to get upset and escalate the situation when their children talk back or act rudely.

The good news is that Dr. Becky is around to show us how to handle these situations like an adult. Dr. Becky Kennedy is a popular social media clinical psychologist who founded “Good Inside,” a program that helps support parents and children through every developmental phase.

Dr. Becky shared 3 lines parents can use to respond to rudeness and talking back. “These will help you de-escalate the situation and immediately set you on the path for a positive interaction with your kid,” she says at the start of her video.

Line 1: “I hear you, and you must be really upset to say something like that to me.”

Line 2: “Look, all I’m saying is I know you’re a good kid, even when you say some not so good things.”

Line 3: “I know there’s another way you can say that to me. Do you want to try again?”

At first, a lot of folks may think that Dr. Becky is asking us to be too permissive of a kid who mouths off. But she has another perspective. “Now, I know what you might be thinking: ‘Am I just kind of permitting this rudeness?'” she says. “No! You are acting like an adult.” She says the key is avoiding being pulled into a power struggle or escalation of rudeness.

“You are not being pulled into a power struggle or rudeness escalation. Yes, it might feel good in the moment to say something like, ‘You can’t talk to me like that, you’re so disrespectful, no iPad tonight!’ But we know if we give rudeness back to our kid, they are just going to give more rudeness back to us. That is so ineffective and we have to be the adult. So try one of those lines and let me know how it goes,” Dr. Becky said.

rude kids, dr. becky, talking backA child is being rude to her mother.via RDNE Stock Project

The key question for parents to consider in this situation is: Am I reacting or responding to my child’s behavior? Dr. Becky believes we should respond to the situation calmly and redirect the child’s behavior.

One commenter put Dr. Becky’s advice into action and had a great result.

“This absolutely works! My son said something awful to me the other morning while getting ready for school. I thought of you , took a deep breath, and said, ‘Wow, you must be really upset to have said that to me’ and he just nodded and said, ‘I am.’ We hugged, he even apologized and we connected,” A commenter wrote.

A fellow therapist, Dr. Claudia Luiz, explained the psychological concept behind Dr. Becky’s advice a bit further.

“This is what psychoanalysis calls ‘fusion.’ When the bad is fused with good, it neutralizes toxic interactions. Fusion is hard to achieve. Negative feels eclipse the living, positive ones, leading to ‘rudeness.’ To get more ‘fused’ you start by processing your impatience with your own negative feelings. You can learn to appreciate why it’s hard to dislike and feel angry at your children with fusion to feel less intense or dysregulated. With fusion, you can be more chill,” Dr. Luiz wrote.

Dr. Becky’s advice is valuable because most parents would have a knee-jerk reaction to their child being rude and attempt to punish them or correct them in a harsh manner. However, Dr. Becky says that it’s best to diffuse the situation instead and that will make it less likely for the child to be rude because they aren’t getting the response they want. But what they are getting is something more, a chance to connect with a parent and an open, safe space to share their feelings without having to mask them in hostility.

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Family

The trauma will be long-lasting for kids separated at the border. Here's what you need to know.

The Trump administration's "zero tolerance" policy has been horrifying.

More than 2,300 children have been separated from their parents at the border — and people across the nation are outraged. The widespread response raised more than $18 million to aid separated families and even forced President Donald Trump to sign an executive order to detain families together rather than separately.

Progress is being made, but the trauma these children have undergone will have dangerous long-term consequences.

The path to reunification for these children is fraught with uncertainty. And no executive order can undo the trauma these children are experiencing right now.

Even brief separations from parents and families can leave lasting, persisting impressions on young minds. When these separations are lengthy, they cause an anxiety that puts children at risk of any number of psychological syndromes from separation anxiety to depression to post-traumatic stress disorder and beyond.

In the past several weeks, stories of separation trauma have flooded the news, and their message is clear: The horror of being torn from one's parents has lifelong effects. The granddaughter of a man who was separated from his parents at Angel Island in the 1930s wrote that her grandfather felt the pain of a 34-day separation at age 9 for his entire life. He spoke about that separation even up until to the week before his death.

Writer Dell Cameron, who was sent to foster care during a custody battle, notes that workers at such centers often have no understanding of the children they're caring for. When these kids inevitably act out as a response to their emotional stress, they are punished. "Hope is what I lost as a child. It was destroyed by the state," Cameron wrote. "Detaining children when parents love them and want them is a crime against humanity."

Even when children are reunited with their parents, their sense of safety can be forever altered.

For many years, it's been assumed that children bounce back from trauma like this fairly quickly. They may not understand it, the reasoning went, and they might even forget it. But empirical evidence has shown that to be untrue: Sudden separation can alter brain functioning.

Recent research has made it clear that the trauma of being torn away from a primary caregiver can affect not only social relationships and academic performance in childhood but also follow the individual into adulthood, altering every aspect of their existence, from their ability to connect with others to their careers.

Yoka Verdoner, a child survivor of the Holocaust, recounted her experiences of being sent into hiding during World War II and how what happened to her at age 7 affected her development permanently. "In later life, I was never able to really settle down," she wrote for The Guardian. "I lived in different countries and was successful in work, but never able to form lasting relationships with partners. I never married."

Verdoner's sister, who was 5 at the time of the separation, has suffered from a depression that Verdoner describes as "lifelong and profound." Her brother, now in his 80s, is still trying to process what happened. His anxiety has made it difficult for him to function. "He revisits the separation obsessively," Verdoner lamented. "He still writes about it in the present tense."

The American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics have both condemned and denounced these kinds of separations as harmful and inhumane. "Separating children from their parents contradicts everything we stand for as pediatricians — protecting and promoting children’s health," reads a statement from AAP president Dr. Colleen Kraft. "We can and must do better for these families. We can and must remember that immigrant children are still children; they need our protection, not prosecution."

Children can heal from trauma — but there is no quick fix or easy solution.

Though trauma can't be undone, it can be healed. But that takes time and understanding. Children must be reunited with parents as quickly as possible and given care by practitioners who are trained and skilled at working with marginalized youth. They must be given hope — as they were when hundreds of New Yorkers showed up to support them at LaGuardia Airport.

Most importantly, we must keep our elected officials accountable for the choices they make in the near (and distant) future. The separation of children from their parents may be ending, but family internment is not a viable or humane solution. Those seeking asylum aren't criminals. Kids, especially, are not at fault.

Our voices have power. We must take action to put to end this injustice.

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Need your child to complete a boring task? The 'Batman effect' may help.

For parents and teachers everywhere, getting a young child to focus is one of life's greatest challenges.

If you don't know a kindergarten-aged kid or you can't remember what it's like to be 5, here's a refresher: Everything else is more interesting than whatever you're currently doing. Your brain is in constant pursuit of fun. For children, it's fabulous. For their parents and teachers, it's exhausting.

But a 2016 research study released this fall may have cracked the code on getting kids to stay on task. And the answer lies in Batman.

Yeah, seriously.

GIF via "The Dark Knight." ‌

‌Well, maybe not that seriously. Here's how the study went down.

180 children between the ages of 4 and 6 were recruited to do memory tests, mental challenges, and finally a boring — but age-appropriate — 10-minute task on the computer. Researchers told the children this task was very important but also mentioned they could take breaks whenever they felt like it to play a game on an iPad in the room.

Still with me? Here's where the caped crusader comes in.

The kids were divided into three groups. Before and during the test, the "self-immersed condition" group heard a recording asking "Am I working hard?" The "third person condition" group heard a recording asking "Is [child's name] working hard?"

The final group of children were placed in the "Batman condition." These children were asked to make believe they were Batman, Dora the Explorer, Rapunzel, or Bob the Builder and were even handed a prop (like a cape) to help them get into character. This group heard a recording asking "Is [the character they selected] working hard?"

‌Photo by Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images. ‌

Regardless of age and mental ability, the kids placed in the "Batman condition" group spent the most time on the boring task.

6-year-olds across the board spent about five minutes on the 10-minute task. 4-year-olds spent just two and a half minutes. But 6-year-olds with the "Batman condition" stuck with the task for five and a half minutes while 4-year-olds persisted for about three minutes and 20 seconds, a marked improvement on their peers in the other groups.

GIF via Lego.

The researchers have a few ideas as to why the "Batman condition" kids were so much more successful.

Allowing the children to imagine themselves as a fictional character may have made an otherwise dull task more interesting. It's also possible that the children took on the persona of the character and tried to do their best to be helpful, respectful, and capable.

Photo by Jim WatsonAFP/Getty Images.

What does this mean for teaching kids about persistence?

Since it's kind of abstract, perseverance is really hard to teach. But the results of this study signal that perhaps it can be taught through role play, which is accessible to very young kids, who often are accustomed to engaging in make believe.

But there may be something to this research for adults too. After all, a 2010 study revealed that adults sitting or standing in "power poses" (open poses like Superman's, for instance) for as little as one minute released fewer stress hormones and were more likely to "embody power" and confidence.

So parents and teachers, next time the little one in your life insists on wearing their superhero cape or princess outfit to school, give it a whirl.

It may help them stay on task — or if nothing else, you'll get some adorable (and embarrassing) photos to share when they're in high school. Win, win.

Photo by Mauricio Santana/Getty Images.

Heroes

There's a cool new way to help kids with cancer keep calm during treatment.

True
Northwestern Mutual

Pretty much nobody likes getting their blood drawn.

Some of us are better about it than others, but when it comes to needles, it's safe to say very few people jump at the opportunity to get stuck with one — aside from the good-hearted folks who donate.

Unfortunately, part of what cancer patients have to go through for treatment includes tons of needle-y, pokey, proddy procedures that can give even the most stoic patients pain and anxiety. And for pediatric cancer patients, it's even worse.

Image via iStock.

Jenny Hoag, a pediatric psychologist at the Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin, tells the story of one patient, Jamie*, whose experience demonstrates just how distressing regular procedures can be for kids with cancer and other chronic diseases:

"I had worked with him since the beginning of his treatment, and he really, really struggled," she says. "He would get here and immediately feel nauseous and anxious and would almost always vomit, sometimes more than once, before we even did anything."

Hoag's job is to come up with ways to help kids conquer that discomfort and anxiety. But in Jamie's case, he wasn't interested.

Jamie rejected Hoag’s coping mechanisms, but once she suggested virtual reality, his curiosity won out.

Hoag brought in a virtual reality program that makes the wearer feel as though they're underwater, being pushed along calmly while viewing colorful fish, ships, and other distracting scenes.

"Once the headset was on, he was already smiling, which I almost never saw," Hoag says. Jamie sat through the whole 20-minute program, enjoying every moment. "He took it off and said, 'I really want to do that again.'"

Image via Northwestern Mutual.

Using the immersive program, Hoag was able to help Jamie endure his procedures with a lot less stress, anxiety, and pain. But it didn’t stop there. Once Jamie saw that Hoag was right about the benefits of VR, he was suddenly much more willing to try her other coping suggestions.

While once he had been anxious and withdrawn, now his virtual reality experience was encouraging Jamie to branch out into actual reality too.

Now, Hoag is working with Northwestern Mutual and KindVR to study just how much virtual reality could benefit kids at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin and beyond.

In her work thus far, Hoag has mainly looked to solve individual cases of anxiety instead of searching for options that could be applied to help kids all over the country. "But obviously," she says, "having an empirically supported treatment is the best way to treat kids."

Dr. Hoag has been letting her patients try VR informally, and is getting ready to conduct a clinical study on its benefits. Image via Northwestern Mutual.

That’s why she’s preparing to apply the solution she saw work so well with Jamie to a clinical study that could result in VR programs being implemented in children’s hospitals nationwide.

Not only could VR provide a more effective way to treat patient discomfort, it could also increase the number of children that could benefit from the hospital's psychological intervention program. With VR, many hospital staff — not just psychologists — can help patients use the equipment.

Right now, only cases that are extreme enough merit a visit from a psychologist. But if Hoag’s research proves that VR treatment is effective, hospitals could drastically increase the amount of kids receiving anxiety treatment without having to hire more staff.

Image via iStock.

For kids enduring a chronic illness, the calming effects of VR could be life-changing.

Drawing blood might not seem traumatic, but after months of frequent treatments, it can be.

"The average adolescent is having an IV maybe never, or if anything, maybe once or twice through the course of their childhood," Hoag says. "These patients are coming in sometimes multiple times a week and having this done. So the anticipation of knowing you have to have a needle is really stressful for kids, and by the time they even get to the hospital, they're pretty worked up about it."

Image via iStock.

For many, the excitement of getting to use a piece of virtual reality software can help temper those feelings of nervousness or nausea, which can improve a child's life overall by a lot.

In the end, that's what Hoag is hoping to do: make the lives of kids with cancer just a little bit easier.

Image via iStock.

"Going through cancer treatment is probably the hardest thing that these kids will ever do — not just as children, in adolescence, but in their entire lives," Hoag says. That's the motivation behind her research and the efforts that Northwestern Mutual has made to sponsor similar quality of life projects to help kids with cancer.

"If there are things that we can offer that improve their quality of life or improve their experience while undergoing cancer treatment, that's absolutely something that we want to do."

Image to via Northwestern Mutual.

Northwestern Mutual is the marketing name for The Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and its subsidiaries. Learn more at northwesternmutual.com.

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