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15 alternatives to asking 'How was school?' that will get kids talking about their day

Avoid the dreaded monosyllabic response with these engaging alternatives.

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Sometimes kids just need to be asked the right questions at the right time.

Effective parenting is largely about communication, but sometimes communicating with kids is easier said than done. If you're a parent of a school-aged child, especially a tween or teen, you've likely had some version of this conversation more times than you can count:

"Hey, how was school today?"

"Fine."

"Just fine? Anything interesting happen?"

"Not really."

"Well, did you have a good day at least?"

"Yep."

The "How was school?" question inevitably leads to monosyllabic answers that feel more like an obligatory response rather than an actual, thoughtful answer. And yet we keep asking it because it's a reasonable question and we really want to know. We're not asking for a dissertation, so why don't kids open up when we ask them how school was? And how do we get them to do so?

According to child behavioral experts, the problem lies partially in the question itself.

"Often, we choose questions like 'How was school?' or 'How was your day?' Questions like that don’t give a child a place to start," says Kristi Budd, a school counselor at The Gordon School in Rhode Island. "They also don’t show a lot of thought or understanding on the part of the adult. Think about the different facets of your day, and how broad that question might seem."

Children's days are busy, just like ours. "A good rule of thumb is: could you answer the same question?" Budd says. "Or would it leave you wondering where to start?"

parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, kids, after school, communication Broad, vague questions can be overwhelming for any of us.Photo credit: Canva

Thoughtful questions come from thinking through a child's day, putting yourself in their shoes, and recognizing where there might be triumphs or trials they might like to share. What might your kid have been thinking about during recess? What might they have been feeling in class?

"Try asking questions that help your child reflect and express their feelings," suggests Irin Rubin, author of The MamaZen Parenting Method. "This not only gets them talking, it shows them that you truly value their inner world."

Another reason kids might be reticent to open up? The timing of the question, Dr. Shereen Mohsen, a clinical psychologist, tells Upworthy. If you try to ask them about their day right as you're picking them up from school, you'll probably get shut down, as kids need time to shift gears.

"A lot of times, kids just need to decompress," Mohsen says. "School takes up a lot of their energy—academics, friends, rules, social stuff—that by the time they’re home, they don’t want to rehash it all."

parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, kids, after school, communication Sometimes kids need a little time to decompress before they're ready to talk.Photo credit: Canva

Assuming they've had a little decompression time first, here are 15 alternative questions suggested by experts that might help kids open up about their day:

What was something that made you smile today?

Was there a moment you felt really proud of yourself?

What was tricky for you today, and how did you handle it?

Who did you feel most connected to at school?

Who do you want to get to know better?

What’s one thing you wish I could have seen you do today?

What is one thing that you enjoyed?

What was one thing that challenged you?

parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, kids, after school, communication Walking and talking can help. Photo credit: Canva

What was something that annoyed you today?

What surprised you?

What was the funniest thing that happened today?

Who did you sit with at lunch?

Was there a part of your day that felt really long or boring?

If you could do over one thing from today, which one would you pick?

Did anyone say something that made you laugh?

If your kids are older, don't expect as much sharing about the details of their day, and don't take it personally.

"For tweens and teens, keeping things to themselves is often more about independence than rejection," Mohsen says. "Staying curious without pushing too hard shows them you are there for them whenever they’re ready."

parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, kids, after school, communication Teens not wanting to open up to their parents is a normal phase.Photo credit: Canva

Budd suggests making sure teens have other trusted adults in their lives to open up to besides you.

"As your children approach high school, it is time to get your mind around the idea that they aren’t going to tell you everything," she says. "As a caregiver, it becomes more important that they have an adult—anyone—that they trust. It could be Aunt Cindy, it could be the librarian, it could be the school nurse. When your child is talking, listen to learn who the adults are in their life, and do what you can to encourage those relationships. It may break your heart to not be the only trusted adult in your child’s life, but you’re doing them a great service by making sure they have a team of grownups and not just one parent."

Getting kids to talk may seem harder than it should be, but with the right timing, questions, and expectations, the lines of communication can remain open and kids will know they can always come to you if and when they have things to share.

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Ivy League expert shares why parents should stop saying 'good job' and do this instead

To build confidence, parents have to take things step further.

via Businesswire and Canva/Photos

A child taking piano lessons and Dr. Becky Kennedy

When you’re a parent, few things feel better than telling your kids, “Good job!” or “Well done” when they complete an art project, get a good grade, or make their bed correctly. So, what could be wrong with a little positive enforcement? According to Dr. Becky Kennedy, “Good job” is a conversation-ender that can prevent kids from getting the full, confidence-building benefits of their accomplishments.

Dr. Becky is a child psychologist, the bestselling author of “Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Resilient Parenting Prioritizing Connection Over Correction,” and the mother of 3 kids. She addressed how to correctly praise kids for their accomplishments on the December 27, 2024 episode of “The Tim Ferriss Show.” “Say ‘Good job,’ It’s not going to do damage to your kid. I think there’s a lot we can unpack there. There’s deeper principles. What do kids really need when they have accomplishments?” she asked, adding that “Good job” is a “conversation-ender.”

How to raise confident kids

Dr. Becky adds that when parents say “Good job” and leave it at that, we are teaching them to “gaze out” for acceptance from others instead of “gazing in” on the process they used to accomplish their task. By conditioning kids to look to others for acceptance, whether it’s their parents, teachers, or future boss or spouse, we create a world where they’re looking for external validation. This leads to anxiety and “makes you very empty and very fragile, very, very anxious,” Dr. Becky said.



Instead, Dr. Becky suggests that parents lean in and ask their child about the process it took to create that piece of art or clean their room. This helps the child develop greater self-confidence and focus more on their process the next time they put their mind to accomplishing something. She says a great place to start is to ask process questions such as: “Oh, how did you come up with that topic? Oh, what made you start it that way? Oh, what was it like writing that?”

The child psychologist says that initially, it may feel uncomfortable to ask probing questions. “Once you get started, it’s easier,” Dr. Becky said. “And yes, it actually focuses on what’s more in a kid’s control. And then, setting up your kids to feel good about themselves, even if they’re not always getting 100, is just such a massive privilege. And it actually makes them work harder because they’re focused on their effort and process instead of just on a result.”

A great way to think about how we praise children is how we would like to be treated by adults. If you worked in sales and had a great month, would you want your boss to simply say, “Good job” or would you like them to dig deeper into how you honed your sales process so that you could improve? It’s a great confidence booster when we can tell people how we’ve gone above and beyond or found new solutions to old problems.



Dr. Becky also uses the example of visiting someone’s house who recently redecorated. “I go, ‘Oh, I love your house. Good job.’ It’s actually a conversation-ender,” Dr. Becky said. “But if instead I said, ‘How did you pick that color wall with that couch?’ You would, ‘Oh, okay, well let me tell you, and let me show you my Pinterest board,’ or whatever it was. And even if I never said a good job, I bet you would feel more lit up inside and almost better than if I had just ended the conversation that way.”

Ultimately, instilling confidence in children is about more than acknowledging the results of their actions. It’s about asking them to explain their process, curiosity, and effort. We can instill resilience and confidence by asking questions and allowing them to express their deeper connection to their work. There’s nothing wrong with praising a good job, but the real confidence building comes with a meaningful conversation about how they made it happen.

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A new study from psychologists says humor might be the key to successful parenting

Good parenting is a joke.

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Humor can help you bond with your child while also boosting their growing brain

Being a parent is tough. If you are one, you probably read many articles, watched a lot of videos, or asked other parents for advice regarding structure, discipline, consistency, and other qualities that go into raising a child. But researchers found something equally as important as all of those parental virtues: humor.

Researchers and psychologists from the Public Library of Science and the Penn State College of Medicine found that humor played a huge role in successful parenting in a recent study. In a survey of 312 parents or would-be parents, 55% reported that humor was a significant part of their childhood from their parents and that 72% found humor to be an effective parenting tool. Out of those surveyed, the vast majority who reported having a strong bond with their parents as kids and now as adults also had humor as a part of their upbringing.

Father and son wearing noodles as mustachesGood parenting is a mix of structure, discipline, boundaries, and goofiness.Photo credit: Canva

So how does that work? You’d probably want a fun relationship with your child but at the same time not appear to be a joke to them either. If your young kid has to approach you with a problem, you don’t want them to be afraid that you won’t take them seriously. You also don’t want them to continue bad behavior because they think it’s funny and ignore you when you tell them to stop.

Well, humor on its own won’t help parents, but using it correctively and implementing it constructively, such as when tensions are high, can benefit both you and your kid.

“While parent-child relationships are more loving than business relationships, stressful situations happen a lot when parenting,” said Lucy Emery, one of the authors of the study. “Humor can help diffuse that tension and hierarchy and help both parties feel better about a stressful situation.”

A woman laughs at her daughter making a goofy face for a selfieLaughter can help ease tension and build trust between you and your kid.Photo credit: Canva

So in terms of applying humor into your parenting style, it’s an effective to use it to diffuse tense situations (like when a child’s having a tantrum or when they feel bad after being corrected or disciplined), model creative problem solving to your children, and just plain experience shared joy between you and your kid.

Many professionals in pediatrics and educators also say that humor not only promotes stronger bonds between parents and their children, but also helps child development. According to Children’s Minnesota Hospital among other experts, instilling a good sense of humor in a child helps them see situations in more perspectives such as when a certain situation could be funny or could be dangerous. Humor also allows them to laugh at themselves when they make mistakes as opposed to being angry or disappointed that they messed up. On top of that, frequent laughter is just healthier as it reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and improves digestion on top of just making life in general more fun.

Doctor and child patient wearing clown nosesFrequent laughter improves a child's health and their mind overall.Photo credit: Canva

So if you’re a new parent and feeling stressed, take a moment. Instead of being upset that your son spilled their milk on the floor for the fifth time today, laugh at how ridiculous that is and tell a funny story about how clumsy you used to be as you both clean it up. If you and your kid had a tense fight, tell them a joke to let them know everything is okay between you two. And overall, just laugh with your kid. It’s good for them and it’s good for you, too.

A family of two parents and one child stick their tongues out while taking a selfie.A family that laughs together, bonds together.Photo credit: Canva

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Psychologist shares 3 things you can say to a 'rude' kid to stop the attitude

Dr. Becky has 3 lines that parents can use to defuse the behavior.

via Hunter Johnson/Unsplash

A rude child sticking out his tongue.

At some point, every parent has to deal with a child who talks back and makes rude comments. It’s a normal part of growing up. But it’s a parent's job to stop it before it becomes an everyday behavior and an ingrained part of their personality.

Stopping rude behavior can be especially difficult for parents because it's easy to get upset and escalate the situation when their children talk back or act rudely.

The good news is that Dr. Becky is around to show us how to handle these situations like an adult. Dr. Becky Kennedy is a popular social media clinical psychologist who founded “Good Inside,” a program that helps support parents and children through every developmental phase.

Dr. Becky shared 3 lines parents can use to respond to rudeness and talking back. “These will help you de-escalate the situation and immediately set you on the path for a positive interaction with your kid,” she says at the start of her video.

Line 1: “I hear you, and you must be really upset to say something like that to me.”

Line 2: “Look, all I’m saying is I know you’re a good kid, even when you say some not so good things.”

Line 3: “I know there’s another way you can say that to me. Do you want to try again?”

At first, a lot of folks may think that Dr. Becky is asking us to be too permissive of a kid who mouths off. But she has another perspective. “Now, I know what you might be thinking: ‘Am I just kind of permitting this rudeness?'” she says. “No! You are acting like an adult.” She says the key is avoiding being pulled into a power struggle or escalation of rudeness.

“You are not being pulled into a power struggle or rudeness escalation. Yes, it might feel good in the moment to say something like, ‘You can’t talk to me like that, you’re so disrespectful, no iPad tonight!’ But we know if we give rudeness back to our kid, they are just going to give more rudeness back to us. That is so ineffective and we have to be the adult. So try one of those lines and let me know how it goes,” Dr. Becky said.

rude kids, dr. becky, talking backA child is being rude to her mother.via RDNE Stock Project

The key question for parents to consider in this situation is: Am I reacting or responding to my child’s behavior? Dr. Becky believes we should respond to the situation calmly and redirect the child’s behavior.

One commenter put Dr. Becky’s advice into action and had a great result.

“This absolutely works! My son said something awful to me the other morning while getting ready for school. I thought of you , took a deep breath, and said, ‘Wow, you must be really upset to have said that to me’ and he just nodded and said, ‘I am.’ We hugged, he even apologized and we connected,” A commenter wrote.

A fellow therapist, Dr. Claudia Luiz, explained the psychological concept behind Dr. Becky’s advice a bit further.

“This is what psychoanalysis calls ‘fusion.’ When the bad is fused with good, it neutralizes toxic interactions. Fusion is hard to achieve. Negative feels eclipse the living, positive ones, leading to ‘rudeness.’ To get more ‘fused’ you start by processing your impatience with your own negative feelings. You can learn to appreciate why it’s hard to dislike and feel angry at your children with fusion to feel less intense or dysregulated. With fusion, you can be more chill,” Dr. Luiz wrote.

Dr. Becky’s advice is valuable because most parents would have a knee-jerk reaction to their child being rude and attempt to punish them or correct them in a harsh manner. However, Dr. Becky says that it’s best to diffuse the situation instead and that will make it less likely for the child to be rude because they aren’t getting the response they want. But what they are getting is something more, a chance to connect with a parent and an open, safe space to share their feelings without having to mask them in hostility.

This article originally appeared last year.

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