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Brené Brown shares her heartfelt thoughts on how long grief should last

Some comfort for those dealing with loss.

via Wikimedia Commons

Author, researcher, and storyteller Brené Brown.

One of the most challenging things about dealing with grief is the feeling that it will never end. After losing a loved one or at the end of a relationship, we feel that something is missing in our lives and fear that hole could remain forever.

This feeling of sorrow can linger for months while we cycle through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

In extreme cases, people may be diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder in which they have intense feelings of grief that last all day and go on for many months. People with prolonged grief disorder may also have trouble in their personal, educational or work lives.

Psychological researcher Brené Brown shared her thoughts on the grieving process on TODAY with Hoda & Jenna in 2022 and they may be of comfort to anyone dealing with loss. Brown is known in particular for her research on shame, vulnerability, and leadership, and gained worldwide attention for her 2010 TEDx talk, "The Power of Vulnerability."

“How long does true grief last in the heart?” a fan asked Brown.

“As long as it takes,” Brown replied. “We live in a culture where people need us to move through our grief for the sake of their own comfort and grief does not have a timeline. It takes as long as it takes.

"And the best thing that we can do when we’re trying to support someone in grief is—my favorite question when I’ve got someone close to me who’s really grieving a lot is to say, ‘What does love look like right now? What does support look like right now?’” she said. “And sometimes they’ll hear, ‘You know what, can you run my carpool for me on Wednesday? Can I cuss and scream at you on the phone twice a week?’”

Brown said that she loved the question because “I don’t have the answer because not having the answer is the answer. It takes as long as it takes.”

How can people best comfort those who are grieving? Brown believes it’s all about being compassionate by understanding that all people have the ability to feel prolonged pain.

“There’s a definition of compassion in Atlas of the Heart, from Pema Chödrön, the American Buddhist nun, that says, ‘Compassion is not a relationship between the wounded and the healed. It’s a relationship between equals.’ It’s knowing your darkness well enough that you can sit in the dark with others,” Brown said.

The grieving process is complicated and not everyone goes through the steps in the same order. After a long period of feeling better, some may also experience reawakened grief in which the pain crops up again.

The powerful point Brown makes is that people shouldn’t feel pressured to get over a significant loss in their life and that if the process may be taking longer than expected, they're still OK. In fact, avoiding grief may only make things worse.

If you are experiencing grief and feel it’s getting worse over time or interferes with your ability to function, consult a mental health provider.


This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Don't be that guy: a better alternative to ghosting your way out of a relationship.

Show up with a whole heart, even in your text messages.

If you've been so lucky as to date while texting has existed, you might have met (or become) a GHOST.

Once upon a few dates, I became a ghost. We had fun, the dates were great, and I had no complaints. But I just wasn't feeling it. It feels weird to just not feel it for a perfectly nice, worthy human, but it happens. And so begins a modern ghost story.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

I did NOT know what to do, say, or think to this person ... so what I did next was turn into a ghost. I removed myself from the human world (of his text messages).

Ghosting, as defined in a New York Times article, is "ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partner’s attempts to reach out."

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

When I turned into a ghost, I just stopped responding to every message this perfectly nice, worthy human sent to me. Eww. I feel icky talking about it now, and I felt icky doing it then. Eventually, I figured out a way to bring myself back to life and end my own ghost story. We'll get to that later.

First, there are two main types of ghosts:

1. The "short-term relationship I guess I don't owe you anything and I don't wanna be awkward" ghost

That was me. I hadn't had any major moments with this person. I just wanted to poetically fade away, like Patrick Swayze in the aptly named movie "Ghost."

Replace that caption with "You're a human and so am I" and me running away, and we're there. Not proud. GIF from "Ghost."

2. The "we could be on the verge of an actual relationship but I am suddenly not OK with it and —" ghost

You'll never know what could have happened because this ghost will ghost you and you'll never hear what happens after that "and."

Say you and a potential significant other share magical moments — so many moments that it seems like, to quote the great American cinematic masterpiece "High School Musical," "this could be the start of something new."

GIF from Disney's "High School Musical."

And then, just when Troy and Gabriella's karaoke duet almost made it to the key change, the plug was pulled. All contact? Gone. Ghosted. And then you realize that it was not the start of something new but rather the start of you wondering if the person who ghosted you is dead.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

They're not dead. (Usually.) Probably, they're a ghost. And you are probably sad. I prescribe hugs.

These are the two most common, and egregious, ghosts that could be haunting a romance near you, although I'm sure there are other versions too.

But we need to do something about this! Technology has invented a whole new way, and a few new mediums, for human beings to hurt each other.

Who you gonna call?

Ghostbusters.


Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

In my own personal ghost-busting journey, I chose Brené Brown — vulnerability researcher, awkwardness whisperer, and friend of Oprah — to guide me.

Brown is an actual professional who studies awkwardness, vulnerability, and how to be a wholehearted, kind person in a detached, technology-driven world that doesn't make real human kindness easy. Her TEDx Talk "The Power of Vulnerability" went viral.

In her book, "Daring Greatly," she wrote, "Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." To me, this sounds like the beginning of a solution to both ghosting and being ghosted.

If connection is why we're here, it's counterintuitive to disconnect (literally and figuratively) from other humans so abruptly. Connection gives us purpose as humans.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr.

But, how to do we transition from ghosts to connected humans?

Brown's research uncovered a clue.

She says that to get some more of that sweet sweet purpose-giving connection, we have to cultivate "whole heartedness."

Wholeheartedness, Brown writes, "at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough."

What's a wholehearted way to stop ghosting? In the case of being ghosted, there's not much you can do. You can be proud you lived the full spectrum of human emotion, that you took a risk, and you can take care of your heart for a bit.

Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).

I'm more concerned with stopping ghosting where it starts though — with the person about to become a ghost.

And I'm not just gonna say "be kind, vulnerable, feel worthy, face uncertainty, expose yourself to stuff, and take a risk because you are enough" because that's a perfect example of "easier said than done."

Instead, using Brown's foundation, I'll suggest a few specifics.

If you're tempted to ghost:

1. Face uncertainty. Open your text.

2. Be truthful. Traveling? Being flaky? Say what you've been doing.

3. Be vulnerable. Say way you feel. Heartbroken? Weird? Say it.

4. Know you're enough.

5. Expose yourself to the truth and press send!

Here are some real-life examples:

Brown wrote, "Shame derives its power from being unspeakable."

Ghosting brings up shame for all parties — largely due to the whole not speaking thing. And, often, ghosting happens because we want to avoid awkward confrontation.

Imagine a slightly more awkward, but significantly less shame-filled, world. That's something I'd like to see.

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