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Woman shares the 'key' to being a good mother-in-law, and it's actually spot-on

This could certainly save a few in-law relationships.

@millennialmatleave/TikTok

"Fill you own cup" is good advice for nearly every situation, isn't it?

Listen, not every mother-in-law disregards boundaries, questions their kid’s parenting styles, tries to manipulate, and so on and so forth. But there’s a reason why the stereotype exists. Plenty have their own horror stories of being on the receiving end of toxic MIL behavior.

But for those wanting to avoid being that stereotype, Janelle Marie, or @millennialmatleave on TikTok believes that she has found the “key.” And it’s all about “filling your own cup.”

“Fill your dang cup. Something outside of your children that makes you feel good, makes you feel fulfilled, makes you feel happy,” Janelle begins in a TikTok.

@heyjanellemarie Lets get some hobbies girls…..you know, when you can find a single free moment #hobbies #motherinlaw #toxicmotherinlaw #relationshipadvice #parentingtips #lifehack #grandparents #inlaws #parenting #boymom ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie

That means that besides devoting your identity towards nurturing kids, you should be “nurturing” your marriage, as well as other relationships, like friendships, she notes.

“I unfortunately feel like a number of mothers-in-law that are feeling really confused about this role of mother-in-law or dissatisfied with the role of mother-law, and it ends up meaning that they act in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling or with guilt trips — women who don’t have enough going on outside of their relationship and their role as a mom. And so when their kids grow up, they’re ill-equipped to replace that relationship with other things.”

Janelle concludes by acknowledging it’s “easier said than done,” and reiterates that she isn’t trying to place blame, but rather just point out that “it’s something we need to be aware of.”

Generate ALT toxic mother in law, mil, parenting, boundaries, toxic mil, mother in law, motherhood, family, mom adviceA mother-in-law eavesdropping. Photo credit: Canva

Down in the comments, folks seem to clearly resonate with Janell’s stance—many have MILs of their own who could really benefit from a hobby or friend circle.

“My MIL’s hobby was getting into my marriage,” quipped one viewer.

“My toxic mother in law has had zero friends in the 18 years I’ve known her,” said another.

A few MILs even chimed in. One shared, “I noticed I got too involved/emotional/bothered by my son’s relationship and immediately looked in the mirror! Poured that energy into my marriage, friends, and hobbies.”

“OMG, you’re right,” reflected another. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good MIL, I don’t meddle or overstep, but boy do I struggle. I definitely need to get a hobby!”

As we know, it can be hard for any mom to not lose themselves in the demands of raising a child. And only up until recently were women allowed by society to see themselves as anything beyond being a mother. Self care is also a fairly new concept for everyone. So it is understandable that many MILs find themselves in this struggle without proper coping mechanisms.

But still, if the goal really is to maintain loving, healthy family relationships, it’s crucial to be mindful of any self sabotaging behaviors, and continuity working through those insecurities. That goes for MILs and non-MILs alike.

Generate ALT toxic mother in law, mil, parenting, boundaries, toxic mil, mother in law, motherhood, family, mom adviceA couple with their mother/mother-in-lawPhoto credit: Canva

For those looking to be the best mother-in-law they can be, here are a few pieces of advice:

Don't make it about you

It can be difficult to accept that you might not be the #1 woman in your kid’s life anymore, but it’s important both for you and the couple that those potential feelings of rejection get reframed. After all, there's truly no love lost.

@heyjanellemarie Mother-In-Law Support Line: Grandma Shower……we have a new character, the MIL has entered the chat 😏 Story submitted by sadly more than one follower 😳 #satire #motherinlaw #toxicmotherinlaw #babyshower #newmom #expectingmom #etiquette ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie


Use your words to uplift, not criticize

Words are powerful. Use them wisely. A little complement now and then goes a long way.

Back off

Let the couple raise their kids, and solve their problems, as they see fit. Trust that you can let them handle their own. Even when intentions are good, offers of help without being asked for it can be seen as criticism.

@heyjanellemarie I’m a Daughter-In-Law…… #daughterinlaw #satire #motherinlaw #inlaws #marriage #millennials ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie


Invite and Include

Leaving people out leads to resentment. Always invite kids and their spouses to join performances, graduations, birthday celebrations, and other family events, whether or not you think they want to or can attend.

And, of course…fill your own cup.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Modern Families

Grandparents should absolutely spoil their grandkids, but with a few important boundaries

1. Don't undermine your kids' parental authority.

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva/Pexels

Grandparent bonds should be nurtured with healthy boundaries.

People who become grandparents often say the experience is nearly as joyous as having their own kids. And in some ways, it's better. Grandparents get to have all the fun and delight of children without all the work. Many grandparents look forward to "spoiling" their grandkids with lots of love and affection, special outings and experiences, sweets and gifts and then handing them back to their parents for the actual parenting part.

Parents, too, often look forward to the kids spending time with their grandparents, not only to have a little break but to allow them to build relationships. However, there can be some habits some grandparents fall into that cause unnecessary tension in the family. It's not a bad thing to "spoil" a kid grandparent-style, but there are some healthy boundaries the grands need to keep in mind to maintain family unity and ensure that kids aren't literally being spoiled.

Every family dynamic is different and there are countless individual circumstances that play into what spoiling looks like, but here are three main boundaries that all grandparents should keep in mind as they love on their children's children:

1. Don't undermine parental authority

Parenting is hard, as every grandparent (theoretically) knows. Trying to raise individual kids with different personalities into healthy, happy, contributing adults while not losing your mind takes a lot of thought and effort. Rules are a part of that. Every set of parents creates rules based on their own beliefs about what's best; not everyone will always agree with them, but parents have the right to set rules.

Grandparents spoiling their grandkids might occasionally involve some slight rule-bending (two scoops of ice cream instead of one, for instance) but it should never entail blatantly going against a parent's authority. If a parent says their kid isn't allowed to watch something, don't let them watch it in the name of grandparent spoiling. If a parent requires a child to wear a helmet to ride their tricycle, that same rule needs to be enforced at Grandma and Grampa's. Inconsistency in rules, especially ones kids have been told are for their safety and well-being, can be confusing.

It might help to have an upfront discussion about what hard and fast rules parents have in place so that grandparents don't accidentally undermine them. And definitely don't do the "I know your parents don't let you do this, but I will" thing, telling them it's okay to break their parents' rules. Just smile wisely as you add some extra ice cream to their bowl.

2. Don't forget to say no sometimes.

One of the most fun parts of being a grandparent is having the freedom (and perhaps the means) to say yes a lot. But that doesn't mean you should always say yes to any requests your grandchildren make.

Kids actually do want some boundaries, no matter how much of a fuss they may make about them. Saying no sometimes lets your grandchildren know that you care enough about them to offer thoughtful limits and that you yourself have some boundaries they need to respect. It doesn't have to be a mean or grumpy "no," but it's good to not give every wish and desire a green light. Sometimes you simply have to say no because something isn't feasible, but even the occasional "No, Grandpa needs a break from that game" or "No, we've had too much sugar today already" sends the message that not every whim is worth indulging.

3. Don't compete with the other set of grandparents

It's not unusual for children to have grandparents on both of their parents' sides, especially when they're young. Unfortunately, in some families, a competitive dynamic can emerge in which one side strives to be the "favorite." This can lead to overdoing the spoiling as well as making kids feel like they're being pitted against one side of their family. It can also fuel resentment or jealousy among family members, which isn't fun for anyone.

There's no need to one-up the other grandparents by trying to be more fun or more generous or more indulgent. Just be the best version of a grandparent you can be, and encourage the kids to enjoy spending time with all of their elders while they're still around.

Being a grandparent is a privilege, and if you get to that stage you've earned the right to spoil your grandkids a bit. Just do so with these boundaries in mind so you can enjoy the joy and wonder of grandparenting with everyone's blessing.

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Family

Mom shares tear-jerking story that taught her to say 'no' to her kids a little less often

"Just because someone is young does not mean they are promised time."

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For a lot of parents, the word 'no' is almost a gut reaction.

For a lot of parents, the word 'no' is almost a gut reaction.

"Can we get ice cream?" "No."

"Can I stay up a little later? "No."

"Can we put on the 'Moana' soundtrack for the 40th time today?" "NO!"

It makes total sense. Kids and teenagers are constantly pushing boundaries, testing limits, and asking for things (some reasonable and some not).

Usually, as a parent, you have to shut it down.

One mom recently shared a powerful story about why — though it comes easy to us — we shouldn't always say no without thinking things through.

Rachel Ann Carpenter posted on Facebook sharing the story of her then-9-year-old daughter Nevaeh ... who wanted to dye her hair pink.

"I initially said no because I know how judgmental people can be when it comes to children with colored hair," Carpenter writes in a Facebook message. "I also figured since she was only 9 she had her whole life to change her hair if she wanted!"

So she said it. 'No.'

But then, Nevaeh had a terrible accident.

"A few days later at a camp they were doing a demonstration involving fire and something went wrong and it caught her on fire. She had horrible burns over 70% of her body. This time last year we were in the hospital with her not knowing if she was going to live or not."
Life is way to short to say NO all of the time. This time last year she asked me if she could have pink hair and I said...
Posted by Rachel Ann Carpenter on Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Nevaeh was lucky to survive the fire. And a year later, she asked again if she could dye her hair.

This time, her mom gave an emphatic "Yes!"

"Just because someone is young does not mean they are promised time," Carpenter says. "I was so glad she was still here to ask me. It is just hair, hair color will fade. Something so easy as colored hair made her extremely happy."

The story highlights a tough question for parents: Are you drawing real, important boundaries with your kids? Or just saying "no" out of fear or habit?

It's our job to protect our children from danger or grave mistakes that may severely impact their life, but we can't protect them against every scraped knee from running too fast on the playground — nor should we.

Most experts agree that taking risks, exploring, experimenting with identity, and making mistakes are all important parts of growing up. Psychologist Randy Cale tells "Psychologies" parents should aim to only step in when safety is a serious concern or when the consequences of a behavior won't be immediately apparent to them (like eating ice cream for dinner every single night).

And beyond all the child psychology, sometimes it's just more fun to say "yes."

"It is so important to let your children live a little," Carpenter says. "As adults it's easy to forget what it's like to be a child and how easy it is to make them happy."


This article originally appeared on 08.03.17

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Pop Culture

Therapist explains the difference between control and 'boundaries' after alleged Jonah Hill texts

Control can easily be disguised as "boundaries" and the difference between the two is tripping up social media users.

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Therapist explains the difference between control and boundaries

Jonah Hill has been trending on social media platforms after his ex-girlfriend, professional surf instructor Sarah Brady posted screenshots of Hill's texts on social media. The newly exposed texts have people debating whether the texts were boundaries or clearly controlling behavior.

With more people going to therapy and Hill not only admittedly seeking therapy but making a documentary with his therapist, people are becoming well-versed in "therapy speak." But being able to use therapy jargon isn't really the same as understanding what the words mean, which is likely a leading cause of the online debate.

The surfer posted the series of screenshots to her Instagram account, saying in part, "This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this make an exit plan." These texts have caused many armchair therapists confusion as to how a boundary could be considered controlling behavior. No worries though, actual licensed therapists, including myself, are stepping in to explain the difference.

In the screenshot that's causing confusion, there's a list of things Hill allegedly says his girlfriend needs to stop in order for his boundaries to be respected. The list includes things like surfing with men, modeling and posting pictures in a bathing suit, but it also mentions hanging out with "women who are in unstable places and from (her) wild recent past."

The actor ends the alleged text with, "These are my boundaries for romantic partnership. My boundaries with you are based on the ways these actions have hurt our trust."

So what makes this exchange controlling and not "boundaries"? There are a few things, but the first is that boundaries do not attempt to control someone else's behaviors and are not geared at changing the person's way of life. Boundaries are only a measure of what an individual will accept in their own personal life and the actions they themselves will take.

Brady met Hill when she was a professional surf instructor who gave surf lessons to men, modeled and wore bathing suits online. These are things he accepted before they started dating and yet, these are the very things he is saying hurt the trust in their relationship. Jeff Guenther posted to his TikTok account, Therapy Jeff, explaining in detail how Hill was weaponizing therapy jargon to control his now ex-girlfriend.

"In the message Jonah (allegedly) sent to Sarah, he is not setting boundaries that protect his emotional well-being. Instead, he is dictating what behaviors and friendships Sarah is permitted to have...This is not an example of healthy boundary setting. Instead, it reflects an attempt at control,” Guenther says in his video.

@therapyjeff

Jonah Hill was using therapy speak to control his girlfriend. #jonahhill #therapyspeak #therapy #mentalhealth #manipulation

Protecting one's emotional well-being and integrity is the entire point of boundaries, Guenther points out earlier in the post. But Guenther wasn't the only person to point this out. Even Lee Hammock, a diagnosed narcissist who dissects videos of narcissistic and toxic people, explained how the concept of boundaries can be abused.

"I tell this to people all the time that some toxic people will go to therapy and pick up therapy speak like the word 'boundaries' and things like that. But what toxic narcissistic people do is conflate boundaries with control," Hammock says.

While people may be confused about what constitutes a boundary versus control, it should be clear that "setting boundaries" around someone else's career is not what boundaries should be used for.

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