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Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact ♬ original sound - Parkrose Permaculture


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Millennials love this grandma's take on disagreeing with her daughter's parenting decisions

Viewers are calling her a "breath of fresh air."

Photo credit: Canva

You don't have to agree to show support.

It’s great when families have involved grandparents to help create those oh-so necessary villages for raising kids. However, when disagreements as to how to raise kids—and the power struggles that follow—arise, it can make for a less-than-peaceful village.

Let’s face it, it’s hard for everyone involved. Parenting has evolved, and things that worked “back in the day” don’t necessarily work now. So many Gen X and millennial parents are painfully aware of things that didn’t serve them as kids, and don’t want to repeat that pattern for their own children. Plus, it’s really hard to instill some kind of structure when that structure is constantly being undermined.

But at the same time, it can be difficult for grandparents to just sit idly by while their adult children make decisions that could come back to haunt them later. After all, the parental instinct to protect doesn’t necessarily expire.

Still, one grandma has some pretty sagely advice for all the well-intentioned grandparents out there.

Maria, better known as “Mom-Mom Maria,” who regularly posts about her life as a grandma, recently shared her strategy for handling parental disagreements with her own adult daughter.

“If I don’t agree with every little decision that my daughter makes for the baby, I usually don’t say anything,” she said. Still she admitted that “sometimes I can’t help myself.”

For this Mom-mom (the common term for “grandma” in New Jersey), the one thing she couldn’t stay silent about was the sippy cup and straw her granddaughter Prue was given to drink milk before bed.

Maria was asked to put Prues’ milk in said supply cup while she and her husband were babysitting for the night. Though she at first resisted because she felt Prue was much too young to drink out of anything but a bottle, she recognized “it’s not my decision. I’m not the decision maker.”

“I’m not the mom: I’m the Mom-Mom, the privileged Mom-Mom that gets to babysit her,” she said.


@mommom.maria #mommom #genxtiktoker #babytok #toddlertok #millennialmom #babybottle #drbrowns #sippycup #grandparentsoftiktok #babysitting ♬ original sound - MomMom Maria


So, Maria did as her daughter instructed, and lo and behold…no problems. Prue drank her milk just fine.

“So I guess my daughter was right and that’s really what I wanted to say to the other grandmothers,” Maria concluded. “You don’t have to agree but you have to do it.”

Down in the comments, so many parents found Maria’s stance to be a “breath of fresh air.”

“Say it louder for the generations that think we don’t know what we’re doing as ‘young’ parents,” one person wrote.

Another quipped, ““I was getting ready to tussle but glad I’m on the grandma’s respecting their kid’s decisions side.”

Even fellow grandparents commended Maria’s take. One wrote, “thank you! Wish more grandparents understood this. I thought the perk of being a grandparent is that you don’t have to make any parenting decisions. You just get to enjoy the grandchildren.”

“That’s right,” echoed another. “Their kids, their rules. I’ve raised my kids, their turn. And yes, blessed to be grandma!”

And perhaps this was the best comment of all: “And the only thing your kid and grandkid will feel is love, support, and respect…and it’s that easy. And we all wish we had someone like you in our lives.”

So true. It might feel uncomfortable to let go of control, but the payoff is a stronger, healthier, more empowered family unit. In the end, it might be a pretty small sacrifice.

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Millennials share the good things they learned from their boomer parents in refreshing turn

It wasn’t all bad.

Photo credit: Canva

Millennials share good things learned from boomer parents

Boomers get a bad reputation for not understanding how expensive the world is today and for not being present for their children. When it comes to those that fit into the age category of boomers, the complaint list is so long you'd believe that they've never done anything good. Surly the people starting to settle into retirement or at least the idea of it have contributed something to the younger generations.

While it may be a trend to dunk on boomers, as a generation they did some pretty cool things. They put the first man on the moon. Many of the older boomers were the college kids protesting for civil rights and against the Vietnam War. They were part of the hippie movement which probably gave way to legalizing birth control for unmarried women in 1972. Boomers were the generation that saw women get the right to open a bank account without their husband or father's signature.

So clearly they folks younger generations like to poke fun at did some pretty amazing things but what good things did they teach their children? Millennials have spoken.

In a Reddit group dedicated to Xennials, the micro-generation between Gen X and Millennials, posed the question, "what do you think was your best lesson learned by being raised by Boomers," and they answered.

"I’m 41. My parents were both born in ‘48. They have always been fairly liberal, artsy types. The best thing I learned from them is that racism, sexism and homophobia is wrong and we should all actively work to make the world a better place. Also, that societal expectations are arbitrary and that you should carve your own path and be yourself," one person writes.

"I was born in ‘79 (mom 1955 and dad 1949 so both boomers). The best thing I learned from then was to not make excuses and be independent. They were not neglectful but they weren’t helicopter parents and let me suffer the consequences of my actions when I messed up," another says.


Photo credit: Canva

"Boomer parents taught me about cool hippie era counter culture stuff and gave me a leg up on having music, literature, and film nerd cred," someone shares.

"My parents very much taught me how to do things for myself. I knew how to fix the minor things on my car, basic plumbing, electric, obviously I could mow a lawn and grow some plants. They taught me to cook more than just the bare bones, but tasty stuff. I could do laundry the right way. And my mom actually took time to teach me how to learn. Back in the day you needed to know how to use encyclopedias and librarians. She told me I needed to know how to ask the right questions to learn what was necessary. I think they did a great job with these," one commenter responds.

For a generation that gets a lot of criticism, they did some pretty cool things and their children taking a moment to recognize the positive things about being raised by them is a positive change.

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Mom shares the reason she's absolutely sure millennials will be the best grandparents ever

They've already learned what not to do.

Madison Barbosa/TIK TOK

Madison Barbosa says millennials will make the best grandparents

Is society soon to receive an influx of top-tier, compassionate grandmothers?

A TikToker named Madison Barbosa made a video that resonated deeply with viewers. In it, the stay-at-home mom of two-under-two extolled the virtues of millennial moms and the kinds of grandmothers she predicts they’ll be.

“I think the best era of grandmas is yet to come,” she begins in the video, viewed close to half a million times.

“I feel like millennial grandmoms are going to be elite," Madison continues. "We know what not to do based on the majority of boomers. And that’s not to say I don’t love my grandmoms. My grandmoms are great. But the judgyness and the unnecessary, unwarranted comments—we know not to do that."


“And then our moms, our baby’s grandparents, they’re getting there but I just feel like we’re gonna be better,” she added.

Barbosa’s generation—millennials— are defined as the generation born between 1981 and 1996. Their parents are usually Boomers (1946-1964) or older Gen X (1965-1980) while their children are typically the generation dubbed Generation Alpha (2010-2025).

Honestly so proud to be a millennial mom and I’m certain we are gonna be incredible grandparents one day

@madison_barbosa

Honestly so proud to be a millennial mom and I’m certain we are gonna be incredible grandparents one day 🙌🏻💯 #momminmads #millennialmom #momsoftiktok #relatablemom #momhumor

While it’s tempting to think Barbosa’s video is about how millennials-as-grandparents will behave toward their grandchildren, Barbosa’s video and its popularity seem to have more to do with the relationship between grandparents and their children. As a millennial navigating the frustrations of dealing with older generations, Barbosa says she and her cohort will understand how to best support their adult children in raising kids.

“We’re gonna anticipate what our kids need, we’re gonna be pushing them to get a break…pushing them to get out of the house, to go for a date night, say ‘We got the kids tonight, we got the kids.’ I just have this strong premonition that millennial grandmas are gonna be the best to come,” says Barbosa near the end of the video.

Commenters were quick to agree.

Tik Tok, parenting fatigue, grandmothers

Baylee will always be there for her daughter.

via Madison Barbosa/TikTok

“I absolutely can’t wait to be the village we so desperately need!” said a user named Noneya.

“Oh absolutely! I can’t wait to take care of my grandkids and truly help my children through parenthood—following their rules and boundaries,” wrote Jane D.

“My husband and I talk about this all the time! Our generation is going to ROCK this grandparent thing,” said It’s Me, Hannah.

The comments were quite vulnerable as well.

“Last night at 3am throw [sic] pure exhaustion tears I told my 4 month old daughter she’d never have to do this the hard way I’ll always be there if wanted,” wrote Baylee Vandegrift.

“Yes, like I can’t look at my daughter without wanting to do everything in my power for her. And it makes me sad about how I was raised,” said Christina.

​If millennials are frustrated by the way their parents grandparent—there’s actually a 2021 study that explains the differences in the way grandparents treat their children versus their grandchildren.

A group of grandmothers were shown pictures of their grandchildren and then pictures of the grandchild’s same-sex parent (often the grandparent's own child). Imaging showed their brains lit up differently when showing their grandchildren versus their children. When shown their grandchildren, their emotional empathy centers were activated versus their cognitive empathy centers—which were activated when shown their adult children.

But just because there seems to be a bit of a biological limitation here doesn’t mean we are beholden to it. Isn’t that what growing and learning is about? If these millennials have their way, they will be leading the charge.

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