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Devastated dad shares why he didn't tell his 10-year-old daughter it was her birthday

“I don’t know if we made the right decision…It’s killing us.”

@kylephilippi/TikTok

“Today’s her birthday, and we’re pretending like it’s just another day."

Kid’s birthdays are both lovely moments of celebration, and potential sources of stress for any parent, for various reasons. For dad Kyle Philippi (whom we’ve previously covered for dressing up as Jafar to cure his friend of an irrational phobia), his daughter’s 10th birthday was particularly full of anguish—since he didn’t tell her it actually was her birthday.

In a video posted to his TikTok that amassed close to 3 million views, the concerned dad shared his unique plight that brought him to this unusual decision: his daughter’s birthday falls on Jan 2, over winter break, meaning most kids wouldn’t be able to attend her birthday party. Two years prior, the Philippi found this out the hard way, when they tried to throw a party on the day, and no one showed.

“She was devastated,” Philippi let out through a sigh.

@kylephilippi We’re about 60/40 on whether this was a good idea… #birthday #parenting #parentingtips#autism #autismawareness #autismacceptance #auditoryprocessingdisorder #surprisebirthday #birthdayparty ♬ original sound - Kyle Philippi

Then last year, they tried a different approach. Instead of a big social gathering on Jan 2, they had a more intimate environment of just the family and one close friend, followed by a proper party once winter break was finished. At this point Philippi explained that his daughter is on the spectrum and had auditory processing disorder—so even though she had fun at both events, she still couldn’t understand why her friend couldn’t show up on her actual birthday, and was still disappointed. That’s never what any parent wants for their kid.

To make matters more sensitive, Philippi shared that his daughter was beginning to not be invited to other classmates' parties, and suspected that part of why she yearns to have a party with all her friends there was because “she knows she’s not getting to go to everyone else’s birthday.”

Hence why Philippi and his wife decided to try something new by simply not acknowledging the birthday until they can do a party with his daughter’s school friends. Understandably, though the choice was made with the best of intentions, when Jan 2 came, there were tons of conflicting feelings.

Photo credit: Canva

“I don’t know if we made the right decision. But here we are,” Philippi shared. “Today’s her birthday, and we’re pretending like it’s just another day…and it’s killing us.”

Down in the comments people—especially those with special needs kids, or were autistics themselves—were quick to reassure Philippi that he made a tough, but right call.

“As an autistic person who struggles with birthdays, you’re doing the right thing. it’s a little unconventional, but so are kids like us!! keep it up,” one person wrote.

Another added, “these ‘decisions’ are so hard but you are doing great by taking it all into consideration and trying to do what will help her feel great on her birthday.”

It seems the real thing worth noting here is that Philippi and his wife are trying to make their kid’s birthday the best it can be for her, and that’s truly admirable. Odds are nearly every parent can relate to this on some level. And for parents with neurodivergent kiddos, that can often mean navigating uncharted territory. Maybe they’ll try a different approach next year. Maybe not. What matters is they’re trying.

And from the looks of it, the actual birthday wasn’t a total wash. In a follow up video, we see that Philippi’s daughter got her favorite chicken wings for dinner, and got to plan her upcoming birthday…which will apparently be Raggedy Ann themed.

@kylephilippi Replying to @mamamcsorley1 She ate her favorite meal today and we continued to plan out her ultimate birthday party in 9 days 🙂 #birthday #parenting #parentingtips #autism #autismawareness #autismacceptance #auditoryprocessingdisorder #surprisebirthday #birthdayparty ♬ original sound - Kyle Philippi

Naturally, Philippi will be going as Raggedy Andy, per his daughter's request.

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Health

Short eye-opening video shows the world through the eyes of a kid with autism

"I’m not naughty, I’m autistic."

Photo pulled from YouTube video

What kids with autism see.

Imagine everything you'd experience while strolling through a mall — the smells, the sights, the things to touch...

Now imagine all of those feelings and sensations times, like, a hundred.

For many people with autism, overstimulation is their reality.

Being over- or undersensitive when processing sensory information (like sights and smells) is common for people on the autism spectrum.

So an everyday thing that many people might not even notice at the mall, like the spraying of a perfume bottle...

overstimulation, autism, spraying perfume

Autism and coping with overstimulation.

Photo pulled from YouTube video.

... can be overwhelming for someone with autism.

To Jo Wincup, whose 15-year-old son, Ben, has autism, this reality hits close to home.

“Four years ago, my son had a meltdown in a shopping center after becoming overloaded by the crowds, bright lights, and smells. He started kicking me, shouting, and swearing. We tried to get him outside to help him calm down, but the people [lining up] for buses just stared, some even said really hurtful things. This upset Ben even more. He ran off into the bushes and refused to come out. I just wanted to cry, for the ground to swallow us up."

The National Autistic Society is hoping to give viewers a peek into this reality with a new and gripping PSA.

Seen through the eyes of a boy with autism, the video by the U.K.-based group takes viewers through a shopping center, allowing them to experience what living on the spectrum can feel like.

After he's overwhelmed by his surroundings and struggling with his mother (as onlookers gape at what appears to be a child acting out), the boy explains to viewers: "I’m not naughty, I’m autistic."

cafeteria, judgmental, awkward

How can we understand what autism feels like?

Video pulled from YouTube video.

It's important that we all understand what autism can feel like so that we can build a more empathetic world.

Although a large majority of people have heard of autism, a very small number of people actually understand how living on the spectrum can affect behavior. Many kids aren't necessarily naughty; they're dealing with a condition most of us can't experience firsthand.

A new report from the National Autistic Society found that 87% of families say people stare at their child who has autism, and 84% of people on the spectrum say others perceive them as "strange." Unfortunately, this contributes to the reason why nearly 8 in 10 folks with autism report feeling socially isolated.

"It isn’t that the public sets out to be judgmental towards autistic people," Mark Lever, chief executive of the organization, said in a statement, noting the research provided "shocking" results.

"They tell us that they want to be understanding but often just don’t ‘see’ the autism. They see a ‘strange’ man pacing back and forth in a shopping center, or a ‘naughty’ girl having a tantrum on a bus, and don’t know how to respond."

It doesn't have to be this way, though.

The more we all understand autism, the more people on the spectrum can feel OK about being themselves.

“Autism is complex and autistic people and their families don’t expect or want people to be experts," Lever explained. But a "basic understanding could transform lives."

Watch The National Autistic Society's PSA below:


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Good Samaritans save a kidnapped boy after following up on an AMBER Alert

The boy's father was delivering food when he was car-jacked.

via ABC 7 News

Reagan Dunn and Yenni Lu located Justin Chan after an Amber Alert.

Since being established in Texas in 1996, Amber Alerts have been implemented in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands and have been incredibly effective at preventing child abductions.

As of December 31, 2023, over 1200 children have been successfully through the program, which was named after Amber Hagerman, who was abducted and murdered in Arlington, Texas, 28 years ago.

The alerts are delivered through TV broadcasts, radio, text messages and cable TV, deputizing the general public to help find a kidnapped child immediately after they’ve been reported missing. Back in February, an autistic child who was abducted from his father was recovered in under 3 hours after 2 friends took action.

It all started on February 13, 2024 when Kim Chan was delivering food in downtown Long Beach, California. He left the car running while he made his delivery and while he was gone, a carjacker stole his car. To make a terrible situation worse, his 4-year-old son, Justin, was in the backseat. After the carjacker drove away, the father contacted the police and the California Highway Patrol issued an Amber Alert.

Right around that time, Reagan Dunn and Yenni Lu, both 20, from nearby Huntington Beach, were cruising downtown Long Beach and just “hanging out” when they received the alert on their phones. “We had nothing else to do so, we were like, ‘Hey, let’s go look,’” Dunn told the Long Beach Post.

A few minutes later, they drove past a Honda Accord parked in front of an outlet mall that matched the description in the alert. They checked the incense plate and it was a match. “I thought maybe I was seeing things,” Dunn said.

The women quickly called 911 and stayed by the car, waiting for officers to arrive.

By 8:10 that night, Justin was reunited with his parents. "The vehicle was located by two Good Samaritans who found the car and immediately called 9-1-1. We would like to thank them for this act of heroism in finding this young boy," the Long Beach Police Department said in a statement.

The Long Beach Police later identified the carjacking suspect by reviewing footage from security cameras in the area. After stealing the car, he promptly abandoned it at the outlet mall located a few blocks away from where it was stolen. Timothy Wood, 34, who is experiencing homelessness, was booked on suspicion of kidnapping, child endangerment, and vehicle theft and his bail was set at $100,000.

Dunn and Lu’s heroic act to help save the young boy is another great example of California's successful Amber Alert program. Since 2002, it has been activated over 320 times in the state, involving over 380 victims and over 97% have been safely recovered. “The program definitely works, and it's getting better every year,” the California Highway Patrol says on its website.

The Amber Alert program is an excellent reminder that when you call on people to help in a crisis, more often than not, someone will always step up and do what’s right.

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Mental Health

More adults are diagnosing themselves as autistic. Here’s why it shouldn’t be invalidated.

If someone discloses that they're autistic, simply believe them.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Adults are diagnosing themselves as autistic, let's not invalidate it

It may seem like autism spectrum diagnoses are on the rise. In many ways, the diagnosis of this neurological difference is on the rise due to diagnosis clinicians receiving more education around what autism looks like in different populations. When the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) was first being studied, the diagnostic criteria was based on white males, much like ADHD.

This narrow demographic means that many people who didn't fit into that category were misdiagnosed or under diagnosed. With the advancement in education around racial and gender bias, other components have been taken into consideration when diagnosing. But the focus has still mostly been on male children, leaving some girls being undiagnosed well into adulthood.

With the rise of social media, people have been able to connect dots on their autism diagnosis by learning from other autistic people. This has been extremely validating for so many, especially women who have struggled much of their lives learning to mask behaviors they learned society deemed as unacceptable. But social media isn't the only tool people are using to get an idea of if they're autistic or not.

There are countless self-assessments available for free online, and generally someone who suspects they may be autistic takes several assessments to triple and quadruple check the results. The majority of people are not walking around hoping they're autistic. These are usually people that have noticed that they simply don't fit in or feel left on the outside, miss important social cues, and sometimes have a hard time feeling like people enjoy their company.

Many internalize these things, knowing that it may not be "normal" for an adult to spin in circles when they're excited, count the words people say when they're anxious, or feel like they're going to spontaneously combust if they have to make a phone call. So when they see someone who behaves like they do, they want to learn more and seek out answers. Those answers are not always sought through traditional means.

People that are neurotypical or even those who have never been without adequate financial means may not understand why someone wouldn't immediately seek professional help if they suspected a diagnosis. The truth of the matter is, if you're an adult, getting an official diagnosis can be extremely difficult. Autism can't be diagnosed by just any therapist with a license, the diagnosis has to come from a neuropsychologist, a psychologist and sometimes a pediatrician (when diagnosing a child), according to the American Psychological Association.

This means that waiting lists can become extremely long and the price can be out of reach for some people since insurance companies don't always cover testing for an adult. But waiting lists and finances are not the only reason people may forego a formal diagnosis. Some people are worried about the impact of a formal diagnosis, whether it be a job, military service or more limited immigration options. These are just some of the social and financial reasons that keep people from making their diagnosis official.

Two autistic friends sitting outside using stim toys and laughing at their phonesPhoto by Hiki App on Unsplash

Does that mean their self-assessment and subsequent self-diagnosis is invalid? No. As a licensed clinician I truly believe that people are experts on themselves. This doesn't mean I personally like self-diagnoses, I don't. There are a lot of nuances that need to be taken into account and diagnosing is more involved than a few online assessments. A differential diagnosis can have a high correlation with positive autism assessment results. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can mimic symptoms of autism, so can ADHD, and certain types of anxiety.

For this reason, I encourage people who think they have autism to seek therapy if it is within their ability. While the average therapist may not be able to diagnose autism, there are therapists that specialize in working with autistic people. Meeting with a therapist for more than a few sessions will give them the ability to properly assess if they have no concerns with the self-assessment results. They may come to the conclusion that there are other things that need to be addressed before they can accurately look at the possibility of autism.

Whether you have the means or desire to meet with a therapist, it would be beneficial to know from loved ones if they noticed these behaviors when they were a child. If the behaviors have always been there then chances are the self-diagnosis is likely correct but if they started after a specific event in life, or comes with things outside of autism then there may be something else to consider.

Given all of these variables in self-assessment and self diagnosis, it would be incredibly difficult to declare someone else's personal experience and self-expertise as incorrect. Unless there is direct knowledge of untruths in the self-assessment or that person has been your client for a period of time, there would be no way to look at a person and know if their self-assessment of being autistic is incorrect.

So if someone discloses that they're autistic, simply believe them. There doesn't have to be any follow up questions about who diagnosed them or how, just believe them because they know themselves better than anyone else.


The author of this article, Jacalyn Wetzel, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and practicing therapist.

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