Upworthy's book GOOD PEOPLE, now available - take a look!

Shop
 Explore 

attractiveness

Love Stories

Confused man can't figure out why he's suddenly obsessed with his wife of 10 years and it's so wholesome

"Man discovers true love, freaks out."

Unsplash

This is an adorable problem to have.

When we get married, we understand that we're signing up for a lifelong commitment. We understand that the love we have for our partner will change and grow and evolve over time. The frantic, can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other passion we feel in the beginning is bound to fade into something more closely resembling compassionate love, which is a love of devotion and care and kindness. That's why we ideally choose someone we can see ourselves growing old with, someone we genuinely like, a best friend.

Except, it turns out, that isn't always the case! Not if you take some people's word for it, anyway. And when you're expecting a "cozy but bland" marriage and suddenly find yourself in the opposite, well, it can be alarming.

An unnamed social media user recently posted a frantic message asking for help: "Why am I too attracted to my wife?"

gif of a man counting on his fingers surrounded by floating calculations It it sounds weird, it is kinda weird. Giphy

"I know this sounds weird," the poster wrote. "But I have been with my wife for about 10 years, 8 years dating and almost 2 married. I have always found her beautiful and super hot, but lately these last few months I’m obsessing over her. I feel like she’s way too hot, I can’t stop staring at her when we’re in the same room.

"Is this normal? Do I need to do something? I tried looking online for help, but there isn’t anything out there. I have no friends or family to ask about this."

Poor guy probably thought he was going through a hormone imbalance or some kind of mental break, when the truth is much more wholesome: Dude is just really in love with his wife.

Comments poured in. Apparently, OP isn't the only one with this 'problem'

Users on r/mademesmile had a lot to say about the man's adorable obliviousness:

gif of woman saying, 'Who woulda thought?" The weird truth is also pretty wholesome.Giphy

"No need to worry. I’ve done the same thing over my 26 year marriage. Some years it’s there. Some years it’s normal attraction."

"You do need to do something. Count your blessings."

"You can't be TOO attracted to your wife. ... I've been married to mine for 21 years, and I still look at her in the way you have just described"

"I definitely haven't been with my wife as long, but I still do this. She is a goddess to me. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss."

"I hope my partner looks at me the same way you look at your wife after 10 years. It's a big fear for a lot of young women my age, getting older and having age show. Give her a big ol' smooch and make it known you see her this way if you haven't already."

"My husband and I have been together 16 1/2 years. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me. Sometimes I catch him watching me with, what I call, 'googley eyes'"

"I feel the same way! We’re 18 years married, 20 years together. Sometimes I catch him looking a certain way, or in a certain light, and I’m like DAMN you SO FINE."

"You're just really in love with your wife and it's wholesome AF"

So, are all these couples just embellishing to make their relationships look good? Or can you really still get the 'butterflies' after decades together?

Studies show that it is possible, and even common, for married couples to be "madly in love" after decades of marriage. That should give us all hope.

A 2011 study out of Stony Brook University found that dopamine activity levels in the brains of newly-in-love couples were similar to couples who had been together for an average of 21 years. Dopamine, as a reminder, is the excitement neurotransmitter that signals reward and pleasure to your brain.

“A state-of-the-art investigation of love has confirmed for the very first time that people are not lying when they say that after 10 to 30 years of marriage they are still madly in love with their partners,” an expert told Harvard Medical School.

gif of Bug Bunny with heart eyes Ah, love. Giphy

How does that work when the 'newness' and initial uncertainty has worn off? Fascinatingly, the things we learn and discover about our partners, even many years down the line, can influence our physical attraction to them. Leila Levison, a couples counselor, writes: "Discovering that someone is arrogant or intractable or selfish might greatly lessen our initial impression of their being handsome or beautiful. Conversely, as we come to know someone’s humility or quiet brilliance, what had seemed to be ordinary features become beautiful."

So, a sudden rush of love and physical attraction to your partner could mean many things, one of them being that you've reached new heights of connection and intimacy. It could mean that you're appreciating them as a human being more than ever. These feelings can be cyclical, coming in waves, ebbing and flowing in different years. That's all totally normal.

If you're not feeling those same sparks in your own relationship, experts recommend starting with more physical touch. Doubling the amount of time you spend kissing, hugging, or holding hands can encourage your body to release oxytocin, one of the main hormones that floods your brain when you're falling in love. In way, you can almost trick the sparks to come back.

Hey, all is fair in love and war!

love

Joy

What matters more, looks or money? Here's how men and women really judge dating profiles.

There’s a big difference in how men and women evaluate online dating profiles.

via Canva

A man and woman look at online dating profiles.

If you are confused by the world of online dating, a new study gives a fascinating look into how heterosexual men and women evaluate profiles. Unfortunately, the results won’t give you hope that people on online dating apps aren’t superficial, but they show a significant difference in how men and women evaluate profiles.

Knowing how people look at you can be very helpful when writing your profile and choosing which photos to use.

The study, published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, used the latest eye-tracking technology to see what men and women focus on when looking at online dating profiles. The researchers took 20 men and women and recorded their movements with an eye-tracking camera while they viewed online dating profiles.

How do men look at online dating profiles?

Unsurprisingly, the study found that men primarily focus on a woman’s facial attractiveness and spend little time considering her occupation or income level. However, if a woman was unattractive, a man focused on her looks if she had a prestigious job or high earning potential.

“We were surprised to see that men increased their visual attention to nominally unattractive women when their (the women’s) jobs were high-status and high-paying,” Amy Lykins, a lead author of the study and an associate professor in clinical psychology at the University of New England in Maine, told PsyPost. “Normally, uninteresting information (i.e., unattractive faces in this case) wouldn’t attract much attention, but they did appear to attract more attention when the woman also had a good, high-paying job.”

online dating, men and women dating, online dating A couple on a date. via Canva

How do women look at online dating profiles?

The women in the study were much more complex than the men regarding how they looked at dating profiles. Women focused more on a man’s attractiveness after considering his income level and occupation. If a man’s profile showed that he has a lower income or a less prestigious job title, women would focus on his looks a bit longer. “Regardless of how attractive the man was (high or low), women spent more time looking at men’s faces when resources were low than high,” said Amy Lykins

Although the researchers were careful not to draw any conclusions from the results of the study, it appears that women are more generous to men with lower earning potential when they are attractive. The attitude is, “Okay, you don’t have much money, but you’re cute, so maybe we’re a match. Meanwhile, men were more generous towards women who weren't that attractive but had higher-paying jobs. The typical male attitude is, “You’re not as cute as I’d like, but you have a good job, so I guess that’ll work."

online dating, men and women dating, online dating A couple on a date. via Canva

Regarding attractiveness, the study found that both men and women paid a lot more attention to the faces of online daters than their bodies. Eighty-three percent of their time was focused on faces, regardless of whether other body parts were shown.

“We expected this,” Lykins told The Huffington Post. “I’ve found this in other eye-tracking studies I’ve conducted, even where people were barely clothed and/or even nude. People are extremely interested in faces ― even as newborns ― and that’s true for both men and women.”

The study also proved another stereotype about online dating: men are more interested in short-term relationships and women are looking for something more long-term.

The researchers found that the significant difference between how men and women look at online dating profiles is noticeable within a short period. “Within the first 10 seconds of viewing an online profile of a potential relationship partner, we can see differences in the prioritization of different types of information,” Lykins explained.

Depending on how rich or attractive you feel, the findings may be disheartening or make you want to sign up for an online dating app. Regardless, it’s good to know what the opposite sex looks for when you put yourself out there. “The findings have real-world implications for how people may want to create online dating profiles using apps such as Tinder,” Lykins told PsyPost.

From Your Site Articles

dating

Pop Culture

A woman got asked out by the guy who bullied her as a kid, so she stood him up with this awesome note.

She waited 10 years to enact the perfect revenge.

via Louisa Manning/Facebook

The note she wrote to the guy who bullied her as a kid.

As a kid, Louisa Manning was bullied about her weight and body hair by students in her class. Her classmates thought it was clever to call her "manbeast," a play on her last name.

Those words made an impression on 12-year-old Louisa, who developed an eating disorder and struggled to maintain her self-confidence over the next few years.

Now 22 and a student at Oxford University in England, Louisa was surprised when she ran into one of the boys who bullied her at school and he asked her on a date.

life lessons, attractiveness, stood up date

Louisa dressed to impress.

via Louisa Manning/Facebook.

She was also kind of "pissed off." Louisa told BuzzFeed News, "It really made me angry that now I'm attractive, he instantly wants to jump into bed with me." Louisa remembered this boy as being one of the worst offenders back when they were kids.

She thought about turning him down, but then she realized it would be a lot more fun to teach him a lesson. They made plans to meet for dinner, but when the dude showed up at the restaurant, he got this note instead.

dating, monobrow, body hair, facial hair

The picture and the letter.

via Louisa Manning/Facebook

The message on the photo (of herself at aged 12) said:

Hey [name obscured],

So sorry I can't join you tonight.

Remember year 8, when I was fat and you made fun of my weight? No? I do – I spent the following three years eating less than an apple a day. So I decided to skip dinner.

Remember the monobrow you mocked? The hairy legs you were disgusted by? Remember how every day for three years, you and your friends called me Manbeast? No perhaps you don't – or you wouldn't have seen how I look eight years later and deemed me fuckable enough to treat me like a human being.

I thought I'd send you this as a reminder. Next time you think of me, picture that girl in this photo, because she's the one who just stood you up.

Louisa.

Louisa has been too nice to release the guy's name to her many online supporters, who might take out their aggression on him. She writes on Facebook that she doesn't condone violence, just "holding ten year long grudges and then getting sweet, perfectly timed revenge."

Her revenge had one very sweet result:

The apology ten years later.

via Louisa Manning/Facebook

This article originally appeared on 12.5.14

From Your Site Articles

women

Joy

The unique body language talent that makes people 'consistently' more attractive

It has nothing to do with looks.

via CottonBro Studios/Pexels

A couple falling in love over dinner.

The great poet Rumi once wrote, "Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." In these 2 lines, he perfectly expressed the almost indescribable feeling of connection that people in love experience.

This type of spiritual connection may exist outside of the realm of science. However, a recent series of experiments published in Communications Psychology revealed that some people have a unique talent for deeply connecting or "synchronizing” and people find them very attractive.

One of the big giveaways people are attracted to one another is when their minds and bodies magically sync up. People who share a connection on a first date often unconsciously mirror each other’s postures, mannerisms and facial expressions.

A great way to see if someone is attracted to you is to cross your legs and if the other person follows, there’s a good chance they may be interested. People attracted to one another may also experience synchrony in heart rates, respiration, hormone levels and other autonomic functions.

All in all, when 2 people are in the throes of synchronicity, they share feelings of intimacy and cooperation. It’s a very similar physiological phenomenon seen in parent-child interactions.

To find out if synchronicity was tied to romantic attraction, researchers had participants watch a video of a man and a woman on a date. Some of the couples were in-sync and others were out-of-sync. After watching the video, the people were asked to rate their attractiveness and how strongly they appeared to be attracted to one another.

Synchronized couples scored higher in both attractiveness and mutual attraction.

In a second experiment, scientists held a speed dating event with 24 men and 24 women. Each person wore a wristband to track their physiological arousal. They were also asked to tap to the beat of a metronome. Those who synced both musically and psychologically received higher attractiveness scores.

Those with the highest scores were known as "Super Synchronizers" by scientists.

“We discovered that the ability to synchronize is stable across tasks and across partners. Some people are Super Synchronizers and Super Synchronizers are consistently rated as more attractive,” Shir Atzil, study author and director of the Bonding Neuroscience Lab and an assistant professor at Hebrew University, said according to Psy Post. “Being sensitive to a partner and attuning to them can help promote romantic bonding. This is because synchronized physiological states can improve regulation across various bodily systems, making interactions more fulfilling and suggesting cognitive and evolutionary advantages.”

To take advantage of synchronicity on your next date, plan some activities that make it easier to connect with someone. Studies show that people’s heart rates and breathing align when they watch emotional films together. This can also happen when listening to music together or dancing. A simple shared task such as doing a puzzle together can also help you sync with your date.

Ultimately, it’s all about building a connection with another person. “When we become aware that ‘we’ are sharing a moment with someone else, it is no longer necessarily the case that we are fundamentally separated by our distinct heads — we could really be be two individuals sharing in one and the same unfolding experience,” Tom Froese, a cognitive scientist from the Okinawa Institute of Science and Technology in Japan, told Discover Magazine.

From Your Site Articles

body language

Family

Scientists launched a robot-judged beauty contest. What could go wrong? A lot.

"Computer computer, on my screen — what's the fairest face you've ever seen?"

Presumably, that's what the folks at Youth Laboratories were thinking when they launched Beauty.AI, the world's first international beauty contest judged entirely by an advanced artificial intelligence system.

More than 600,000 people from across the world entered the contest, which was open to anyone willing to submit a selfie taken in neutral lighting without any makeup.

According to the scientists, their system would use algorithms based on facial symmetry, wrinkles, and perceived age to define "objective beauty" — whatever that means.

This murderous robot understands my feelings. GIF via CNBC/YouTube.

It's a pretty cool idea, right?

Removing all the personal taste and prejudice from physical judgment and allowing an algorithm to become the sole arbiter and beholder of beauty would be awesome.

What could possibly go wrong?

"Did I do that?" — These researchers, probably. GIF from "Family Matters."

Of the 44 "winners" the computer selected, seven of them were Asian, and one was black. The rest were white.

This is obviously proof that white people are the most objectively attractive race, right? Hahaha. NO.

Instead, it proves (once again) that human beings have unconscious biases, and that it's possible to pass those same biases on to machines.

Basically, if your algorithm is based mostly on white faces and 75% of the people who enter your contest are white Europeans, the white faces are going to win based on probability, even if the computer is told to ignore skin tone.

Plus, most cameras are literally optimized for light skin, so that probably didn't help the problem, either. In fact, the AI actually discarded some entries that it deemed to be "too dim."

So, because of shoddy recruitment, a non-diverse team, internal biases, and a whole slew of other reasons, these results were ... more than a little skewed.

Thankfully, Youth Laboratories acknowledged this oversight in a press release. They're delaying the next stage in their robotic beauty pageant until they iron out the kinks in the system.

Ironically, Alex Zhavoronkov, their chief science officer, told The Guardian, "The algorithm ... chose people who I may not have selected myself."

Basically, their accidentally racist and not-actually-objective robot also had lousy taste.Whoops.

Ooooh baby, racist robots! Yeah! GIF from Ruptly TV/YouTube.

This begs an important question: As cool as it would be to create an "objective" robot or algorithm, is it really even possible?

The short answer is: probably not. But that's because people aren't actually working on it yet — at least, not in the way they claim to be.

As cool and revelatory as these cold computer calculations could potentially be, getting people to acknowledge and compensate for their unconscious biases when they build the machines could be the biggest hurdle. Because what you put in determines what you get out.

"While many AI safety activists are concerned about machines wiping us out, there are very few initiatives focused on ensuring diversity, balance, and equal opportunity for humans in the eyes of AI," said Youth Laboratories Chief Technology Officer Konstantin Kiselev.

Of course you like that one. GIF from "Ex Machina."

This is the same issue we've seen with predictive policing, too.

If you tell a computer that blacks and Hispanics are more likely to be criminals, for example, it's going to provide you with an excuse for profiling that appears on the surface to be objective.

But in actuality, it just perpetuates the same racist system that already exists — except now, the police can blame the computer instead of not taking responsibility for themselves.

"There is no justice. There is ... just us." GIF from "Justice League."

Of course, even if the Beauty.AI programmers did find a way to compensate for their unconscious biases, they'd still have to deal with the fact that, well, there's just no clear definition for "beauty."

People have been trying to unlock that "ultimate secret key" to attractiveness since the beginning of time. And all kinds of theories abound: Is attractiveness all about the baby-makin', or is it some other evolutionary advantage? Is it like Youth Laboratories suggests, that "healthy people look more attractive despite their age and nationality"?

Also, how much of beauty is strictly physical, as opposed to physiological? Is it all just some icky and inescapable Freudian slip? How much is our taste influenced by what we're told is attractive, as opposed to our own unbiased feelings?

Simply put: Attractiveness serves as many different purposes as there are factors that define it. Even if this algorithm somehow managed to unlock every possible component of beauty, the project was flawed from the start. Humans can't even unanimously pick a single attractive quality that matters most to all of us.

GIF from "Gilligan's Island."

The takeaway here? Even our technology starts with our humanity.

Rather than creating algorithms to justify our prejudices or preferences, we should focus our energies on making institutional changes that bring in more diverse voices to help make decisions. Embracing more perspectives gives us a wider range of beauty — and that's better for everyone.

If your research team or board room or city council actually looks like the world it's supposed to represent, chances are they're going to produce results that look the same way, too.