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Understanding the 90-10 rule of conflict could be the key to marital bliss

They should tell you this when you get your marriage license.

Couples, whether married or just longterm partners, really aren't all that original. We all fight over the same things. Chores, money, and sex are pretty much the big three. But Dr. John Gottman, probably the most prominent and influential psychologist in the world of marriage and relationships, says the number one thing couples fight about is actually nothing. That's right, nothing at all!

But how can a couple fight about nothing? The answer: It's super easy. Haven't you ever found yourself locked in a bitter disagreement and suddenly stopped to think, "How the heck did we get here?" Gottman, basically one of the founding fathers of modern couples counseling, writes that something as simple as a disagreement about where to dinner can quickly lead to a conversation full of resentment, insults, miscommunications, and hurt feelings.

Mark Travers, a psychologist and author, recently took this idea a step further and argued that only 10% of arguments in relationships are actually about "the thing." The other 90% are about a deeper, underlying issue. He calls it the 90-10 rule of conflict.


Couples arguments are like icebergs. 90% is below the surface.Canva Photos

He writes in an article for Forbes that "only 10% of fights stem from the immediate problem, while 90% are driven by deeper emotions—unmet needs, past wounds and unspoken fears."

Gottman agrees, commonly saying that "Usually, underneath that fight, is an unfulfilled dream."

It's easy to see how this plays out using common examples.

A couple might fight over a sink of unwashed dishes. Usually, the dishes themselves aren't that big of a deal, but the fight balloons out of control because there are underlying resentments about the division of labor in the household.


dishes, marriage, relationships, conflict, arguments, disagreements, psychologyA pile of dirty dishes is a fight waiting to happen!Canva Photos

Take the initial example of disagreeing about where to go for dinner. It should be such a simple problem for two adults to solve together! But if you're constantly fighting about it, it could be a sign of a repetitive issue: Maybe one partner never compromises, maybe one is overly thrifty or one is too casual about spending money.

When the underlying issue goes unresolved, the fights come up again and again and again, and can be triggered by the smallest possible catalysts.

Once you understand the 90-10 rule, you can start to see a path to better conflict management, and a much happier romantic life.

Travers urges couples in the midst of a disagreement to, instead of reacting to what was said, to try to uncover the true meaning behind those words. Remember, human beings aren't great at being directly and completely honest. We rarely voice our deepest desires and wants and needs, but they come out in other ways.


couples, fights, conflict, relationships, marriage, couples therapyGosling had the right idea.Giphy

The goal should be to reframe minuscule disagreements around the deeper emotion or pattern they represent. Instead of "You didn't do the dishes!" it's "I feel overwhelmed and like we're not a team when I do everything around the house." He also writes that you should try to be genuinely curious about your partner's perspective on the disagreement, and to not react defensively to how they might view it differently.

Being monogamously committed to someone is hard, right? One day you're just doing your thing, and the next you have to use all these new psychological tools and empathy techniques because someone forgot to wash a plate. But not only will the extra effort lead to a better relationship, it could even improve your health. Multiple studies have shown that good conflict resolution skills in a relationship are tied to better longterm health outcomes, including lower stress, which can impact longevity. Arguments happen in any relationship, but the couples who don't let fights about small things escalate into blowouts — and the ones who can still use humor and affection even when disagreeing — are so much better off than the rest.

Gottman's teachings say "Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws," and that arguments, even fights, are an opportunity to deepen communication and ultimately your love for each other. Not a bad way to look at things, right?

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Education

Tired of arguing with misinformed people? Experts say there’s an easy way to change their minds.

It turns out we’ve been talking about facts the wrong way.

via Canva/Photos

Two young men arguing.

The downside to living in the Information Age is that we also live in a time when misinformation runs rampant. Studies show that fake news stories spread farther than those that are true, and people tend to believe information because it suits their worldview rather than because it happens to be correct.

It would be fine if most information was about things that are inconsequential in 2024, such as Bigfoot conspiracies or who killed John F. Kennedy. Unfortunately, a lot of misinformation affects people’s everyday lives, whether it’s vaccines, technology, or fluoride in our water supply. We saw it happen in real time when misinformation made it very hard for the average person to make sense of the COVID-19 pandemic, as it killed millions of people across the world.

That’s why it’s so important for people to respond correctly to misinformation. Knowing how to do so could mean the difference between life and death.

argument, misinformation, newsA woman who is confused by conflicting information. via Canva/Photos

A new paper in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General by researchers at the Annenberg Public Policy Center shows that many people have been using ineffective tactics when fighting misinformation. Most people think the best way to counter misinformation is to make a counterargument that refutes the incorrect person’s claim.

For example, if someone says that fluoride in the water supply is a way for companies to dump their toxic waste. Most people would do some Googleing and respond that, actually, that was a conspiracy theory that took hold in post-war Europe. However, researchers note that correcting people is an uphill battle. “People don’t like to be contradicted, and a belief, once accepted, can be difficult to dislodge,” the Annenberg Public Policy Center writes.

What’s the most effective way to counter misinformation?

Researchers suggest a more effective countermeasure to fighting misinformation: “bypassing.”

“Rather than directly addressing the misinformation, this strategy involves offering accurate information that has an implication opposite to that of the misinformation,” the Annenberg Public Policy Center writes. Instead of countering the incorrect opinion on fluoride, you bring up another positive point about fluoride that may cause them to reconsider their beliefs. Simply put, you counter the “negative implication of the misinformation with positive implications, without taking the difficult path of confrontation.”

So, if someone says, “Flouride is toxic waste,” you can respond with, “The Centers for Disease Control says Flouride is one of the 10 Greatest Public Health Achievements of the 20th Century, reducing tooth decay by approximately 25% in children and adults.”

One of the study authors, Granados Samayoa, says that “bypassing can generally be superior to correction, specifically in situations when people are focused on forming beliefs, but not attitudes, about the information they encounter.”

argument, misinformation, newsFriends having a friendly debate.via Canva/Photos

What is the ‘backfire effect’?

The “bypass” strategy also makes sense because of the “backfire effect,” a psychological phenomenon that says when people are introduced to credible information that contradicts their firmly held beliefs, they reject it and hold onto their beliefs even more strongly. Considering this, countering someone's misinformation with contradictory evidence may even worsen things for both parties involved.

The good news is that you don’t have to be a super-hero fact-checker to combat the spread of misinformation or have to get in someone’s face and start a heated argument. Using strategies like bypassing, you can help tackle misinformation in a non-confrontational and effective way. It’s all about shifting the conversation and planting a seed of truth that could grow into greater understanding.

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Pop Culture

People shared the 17 'dead giveaways' that someone has just lost an argument

People have a hard time admitting they are wrong.

via Pexels

"Whatever, I'm over it!"

Here’s the problem with starting an argument with someone who’s clearly wrong. People with opinions that are not based on facts or logic have trouble with critical thinking, which also makes having a discussion with them terribly tricky because they don’t know the rules of engagement.

The first step to avoiding these situations is not having an argument. But if you have to settle a disagreement, it’s best to frame it as a discussion instead of an argument. The difference? “A discussion is a respectful exchange of information. An argument is a coercive attempt to be acknowledged as right or smart or sensitive,” Steven Stosny, Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today.

“In arguments, we invalidate feelings and undermine perspectives. In discussions, we validate feelings and expand perspectives,” Dr. Stosny continues.

One of the keys to having a good discussion is to listen to the other person and ask plenty of questions. This makes the other person feel heard and more likely for the two of you to find common ground. It can also reveal how much they know about the topic at hand.

But if you wind up getting into an argument, there are some telltale signs that you won the debate because the other person has been thrown from their facts and talking points and has to save face. A Reddit user by the name ViForYourAttention asked the forum, “What statement screams ‘I just lost the argument'? And they received a ton of great tactics and sayings that people turn to as a last resort.

The discussion wasn’t just full of great “gotcha” moments but a frank discussion on how to have an honest debate by learning to spot cheap tricks and personal attacks.

Here are 17 statements that scream, “I lost the argument.”

1.

"Pointing out a small discrepancy in an otherwise factual statement and pretending that invalidates their whole argument. 'I saw you get in a blue car and drive off with your secret lover when you said you were going for a walk.' 'You're completely wrong. It was a blue SUV, and I did go for a walk after.'" — jiyida8112

2.

"As soon as someone shifts the goalposts. It is important to be able to identify this. It is also important to know the difference between this and someone wording their initial argument poorly. ... But in general shifting goalposts means that they were losing an argument because of a unstable basis, so they'll shift their previously dogmatic basis to something more broad or they'll change their entire opinion midway through a conversation. The way to combat it is simply to always keep in mind the original intent of the conversation. Know what the initial claims were and move on from there always keeping those in mind." — Sovreign_grounds

3.

“I concede.” — Southern_Snowshoe

4.

"You spelled 'x' the wrong way." — GustavoAlex7789

5.

"I know you r but what am I?" — MineDamnBrain

6.

"Any personal insult. As soon as you comment on the person and not the topic, you've lost." — Aunt_Anne

7.

"[The moment someone says] 'I don't even care' or 'this is dumb."' — KarlaKaress

XXXSimply unstable added:

"'Whatever' or 'I'm over it' or both combined into 'Whatever, I'm over it!'"

8.

"You just lost a customer." — Sucros

9.

"When my husband sits there with that look on his face. That look that says he is waiting for me to put together some obvious pieces that I missed. I always find those pieces eventually. And then I concede, with an air of torture because he's always right. Always! As soon as I see that look, I lost." — gecepix937

10.

"Saying something completely irrelevant to the argument that they found on your post/comment history." — PM_ME_UR_FEET_69

11.

"'Oh yeah? Well, I know someone else who thought that way. Adolf Hitler!'" — hawt_pawket

12.

"Do your research." — Orenge01

13.

"'You always have to get the last word.' A statement made exclusively by people who are trying to have the last word, but are out of points." — ScruffyTuscaloosa

14.

"'I'm not talking about it anymore!' Yeah, because you know youre making absolutely no sense." — WRA1THLORD

15.

"Bringing up an entirely different topic. Whataboutism as they say." — TDeath21

16.

"When they start projecting. For example, they start accusing you of something that they're doing - like being bigoted. Or they start threatening to report or block you even though they're in the wrong." — HyperDogOwner458

17.

"You just always have to be right." — sugabeetus

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Education

Harvard negotiator teaches you how to argue in a way that leads to better understanding

In four minutes he teaches you a better way to communicate.

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Harvard negotiator teaches you how to argue.

Conflict is something that most people don't like. It can easily escalate into an argument, tempers can get flared and feelings hurt. But it doesn't have to be that way. Dan Shapiro, a Harvard negotiator, demonstrates how to argue effectively in a new insightful four-minute video.

The video covers three keys to an effective argument that can leave the other party feeling heard, validated and understood. This may all sound like some sort of magic trick, but the man has got some solid points, especially as it seems like people's ears stop working when someone disagrees with them.

Immediately in the video, Shapiro states that he personally doesn't feel comfortable around conflict, which is kind of surprising since his job is negotiation. I'm not sure if everyone has seen how negotiations work but sometimes the exchange can get pretty heated. Don't worry, he goes on to explain how conflict can actually be pretty helpful. The professor talks about how America has fallen into a "tribal trap" where you disbelieve and discredit everything someone with opposing views says.

Shapiro discusses people's need to be right at all costs and to shut the other person's view down—which isn't a helpful strategy. He starts naming the secrets to effective negotiations or in this case, arguments. Identity, appreciation and affiliation are the three big things he breaks down to build a solid ground for respectful and understanding disagreements.

The professor addresses the emotion behind identity and how it relates to core values, which immediately helps set the tone for understanding how disagreements escalate. Watch Shapiro break it all down below and be sure to take notes if you also have trouble with conflict.

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