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Mom shares how to respond to an apology confidently. It's great advice for kids and adults.

Sometimes, "It's okay," just isn't okay.

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A man asking a woman for forgiveness

Yasmina Elmerkaoui, a beauty influencer and founder of Merkau, is getting a lot of love on TikTok because she reminds everyone that there is more than one way to respond to an apology. Sometimes, all you have to do is say, “Thank you.” If you were the one who was wronged, why does someone get to control your reaction just because they apologized?

Her thoughts were eye-opening to many people conditioned to give a knee-jerk “It’s okay” response when someone apologizes, even though what they ask forgiveness for probably isn’t “okay.” Elmerkaoui shared her thoughts on a September 2024 episode of the “Hanging for More” podcast she hosts with Maggie Younan.

What's the best way to respond to an apology?

“I’ve taught my kids to say, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’ rather than, ‘That’s OK,’ because the behavior isn’t OK,” Elmerkaoui says. “The apology is welcomed, so it also draws a line and reminds you, no, no, no, that isn’t OK.”

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How to respond to “sorry” 🙏

Elmerkaoui’s response provides a solid distinction between thanking someone for admitting they were wrong without going so far as condoning their actions. The “thank you” response is also a way to prevent people from acting out of line again. If you tell someone their bad behavior is “okay, " they are more likely to do it again, causing a terrible cycle of poor behavior and apologies. “It reminds everyone else in their life as well that the apology is welcome, but the behavior isn’t okay and I won’t accept it,” she continues.

Elmerkaoui doesn’t expect an “It’s okay” even from her own son because she believes it teaches him poor boundaries. “They say the same to me, like, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’” she goes on. “I’ll even pull them up if they say, ‘That’s okay.’ Noah, especially, he’s such a mama’s boy, he’s like, ‘Mom, that’s okay, you did nothing wrong.’ And I’m like, “No, I did.”


“This is so important. It’s not ok to mistreat others and hide behind an apology. It becomes a cycle,” Rafaela wrote in the comments. “There’s power in saying ‘I forgive you’ too when you genuinely do, but absolutely never ‘it’s fine,’” Allison added.

Some people had never even considered simply saying thank you. “Why have I never thought of this? I've been actively thinking of what a better response would be. I'm trying to stop saying "it's okay,’” Kaitlin wrote.

Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh, agrees with Elmerkaoui’s approach but stresses that we respond to the apology authentically. “It’s important to be genuine without being hostile,” says Schumann. “Research shows that using a ‘constructive voice’ — where you voice your concerns in a positive, calm way — is the most effective way to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending to forgive when you’re not ready are not going to fix the problem.”

Yasmina Elmerkaoui’s simple yet powerful apology approach brought up a meaningful conversation about authenticity and boundaries. Her advice to shift from saying “It’s okay” to “Thank you” encourages a healthier dynamic that doesn’t condone bad behavior but places a high value on accountability. It acknowledges the hurt while bringing things to a sincere resolution. Elmerkaoui’s advice reminds us that we may not be able to control how people treat us, but we have complete power over how we respond.

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Hank Azaria gave an honest answer about his controversial 'Simpsons' role.

If you're a fan of "The Simpsons," you definitely know — and may even adore — Apu.

The Indian Kwik-E-Mart owner who reliably tells his customers, "Thank you, come again" is a clownish series favorite among many "Simpsons" diehards.

But in recent months, more attention has been paid to "The Problem with Apu" — both in the actual sense and the documentary from comedian Hari Kondabolu, which premiered last year on TruTV.

[rebelmouse-image 19491114 dam="1" original_size="492x326" caption="GIF via "The Simpsons."" expand=1]GIF via "The Simpsons."

Now, Hank Azaria — the actor whose voice has brought Apu (and a host of other "Simpsons" characters) to life onscreen for decades — has spoken out about the controversy that's ensnared his contentious character since the documentary aired.

And, fortunately, he hit all the right notes.  

But hold on! *pumps brakes*

Before you roll your eyes thinking this is just another one of those stories about an actor bowing to the P.C. police, you should at least know that Kondabolu, a New Yorker of Indian descent, has never criticized the show for its lack of political correctness.

The Fox series has long held a special place in his heart and personal history; he simply wanted it to do better.

"I was obsessed with 'The Simpsons' growing up and it has greatly influenced my comedy," Kondabolu said in a statement in September 2017.

"However," he noted, "as my mother proves, you can criticize something you love because you expect more from it."

A month later, in November 2017, Kondabolu explained to the BBC why Apu — who speaks in a caricatured accent and is often defined by the stereotypes associated with his South Asian identity — has been so harmful:

“Apu was the only Indian we had on TV at all so I was happy for any representation as a kid. And of course he's funny, but that doesn't mean this representation is accurate or right or righteous. It gets to the insidiousness of racism, though, because you don't even notice it when it's right in front of you. It becomes so normal that you don't even think about it. It seeps into our language to the point we don't even question it because it seems like it's just been that way forever.”

After months of silence from the series' creators, "The Simpsons" addressed the controversy in an episode that aired in early April 2018 — but totally botched the response. The episode used a conversation between Marge and Lisa as an attempt to illustrate the predicament the show found itself in.

"Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect," Lisa said in the episode, as the camera panned to include a picture of Apu. "What can you do?"

In a series of tweets, Kondabolu reiterated that his criticisms weren't about political correctness, but the problems that result from a lack of proper media representation.

Clearly, "Simpson" critics were not pleased. So finally, on April 24, Azaria addressed the issue as a guest on "The Late Show."

It went much better.

Speaking with Stephen Colbert, Azaria said his "eyes have been opened" to the problem with Apu.

He continued:

"I think the most important thing is that we have to listen to South Asian people, Indian people, in this country when they talk about what they feel and how they think about this character, and what their American experience of it has been."

The actor called for more artists of South Asian descent to have a seat at the writers' table for shows like "The Simpsons" so that characters like Apu are shaped by those who've actually lived similar experiences, and noted that he's open to evolving or ending his work on the show, if it's decided that's what's best.

"I'm perfectly willing and happy to step aside or help transition [Apu] into something new," Azaria said. "I really hope that's what 'The Simpsons' does. It not only makes sense, but it just feels like the right thing to do to me."

Like I said: This isn't a story about an actor forced to apologize for being un-P.C. It's a story about an actor understanding exactly how his character exacerbates a bigger cultural problem.

Characters like Apu are not only steeped in harmful, inaccurate stereotypes, but they're often the only depictions of marginalized groups many white Americans see on TV. If "The Simpsons" had featured other prominent South Asian characters in its nearly three decades of fictional storylines, the problem with Apu would be far less scarring to fans like Kondabolu. (He's not calling for Apu to be scrubbed from past episodes, by the way.)

“After a while, you’d watch 'The Simpsons' on a Sunday and you’d get a sense of how you’d be made fun of at school on Monday, based on what Apu did in the latest episode," the comedian told the BBC.

Apu's depiction really did have — and still has — real-world consequences.

Kondabolu, however, saw Azaria's interview with Colbert. And he's happy with how the comedian broached the topic.

Azaria's response to the controversy is an encouraging sign, but the problem with Apu remains.

So, until our TV screens reflect the real world we live in — where marginalized groups are portrayed both frequently and fairly — let's follow Kondabolu's lead and demand better of the shows we love.

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The only 3 lines you need to know from Al Franken's resignation speech.

After eight years in office, Al Franken calls it quits.

Earlier today, embattled Sen. Al Franken (D-Minnesota) delivered a speech on the Senate floor responding to the sexual harassment accusations being leveled against him.

Wednesday saw the seventh and eighth allegations against the second-term senator come to light, immediately followed by a flood of more than 30 of his Democratic colleagues calling on Franken to resign.

He touched on all of that in his near-11-minute speech, opening with a reflection on his own feelings about being accused and closing by saying that when it came to his political career, he'd "do it all over again in a heartbeat." (Presumably without sexually harassing anyone?)

As far as apologies from the slate of powerful men recently facing consequences for a pattern of sexual harassment or abuse, Franken's initial statement on Nov. 16 was actually pretty solid. He struck the right balance of expressing remorse while still centering on the victim, and his track record of supporting women with his votes spoke for itself.

It's unsurprising that the left was conflicted over whether he should step down. People are complicated and are rarely heroes or monsters, but somewhere in between.

That's what makes it such a shame that his resignation speech featured many story beats we've heard before from other men on the left in similar situations. He hedged around what exactly it was he did or what he was apologizing for — some of which he denied happening at all — and, in something I'll get to in a moment, he shifted the conversation away from himself and onto other men.

In the end, there's really only three lines from his resignation speech that matter:

Franken in October 2017. Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images.

1. "[I]n the coming weeks, I will be resigning as a member of the United States Senate."

Listening to the pleas of his fellow senators, Franken confirmed that he will be yielding his position — though he didn't specify a date or time. Minnesota Gov. Mark Dayton will select Franken's replacement to hold the office until after the 2018 election, when voters will decide who will serve out the remainder of Franken's term (which expires in 2020).

Rumor has it that Dayton is expected to tap Lt. Gov. Tina Smith for the interim role.

Franken's office door. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Some might argue over if Franken should have to step down at all, especially given that a number of other lawmakers (and the president) are facing accusations just as bad — and, in some cases, worse — with no signs of accountability.

Which brings us to the second point from Franken's speech that matters...

2. "I, of all people, am aware that there is some irony in the fact that I am leaving while a man who has bragged on tape about his history of sexual assault sits in the Oval Office ... "

He goes on to reference Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore as "a man who has repeatedly preyed on young girls [and] campaigns for the Senate with the full support of his party."

Earlier in his resignation, Franken dodged responsibility for some of the actions he's been accused of (including saying some are "simply not true"), but he concedes that stepping down is "the right thing to do."

Roy Moore and Donald Trump have both been accused of some pretty horrific acts, but have still retained the support of their party. Photos by Mark Wilson/Getty Images, Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

There should be no illusions about what Franken's resignation — or that of Rep. John Conyers (D-Michigan), who retired earlier this week — means for the political careers of Trump, Moore, Blake Farenthold, and others. If there's any hope of actually addressing the cause of this problem, Franken's resignation couldn't be contingent on the actions of others. He had to do it because it was the right thing to do.

Removing serial sexual harassers and abusers from office can't be about "teams" or point-scoring — it has to be about ensuring that voters have representation in a government that truly has their interests at heart.

3. "Minnesotans deserve a senator who can focus with all her energy on addressing the challenges they face every day."

Did you catch what made that line so special? It's his use of a specific pronoun: her.

OK, so it's most likely that the "her" he's referencing is just a nod to some inside knowledge that Lt. Gov. Smith will likely take over his role in the interim. Or ... maybe it's more than that.

Perhaps Franken understands that if he's sincere in his belief that women are owed competent and effective leadership, that it's only fair that women — who currently occupy just 21 seats in the Senate — take the role he currently occupies.

After all, it's hard for women to feel represented by our government until they're represented in our government.

Sens. Debbie Stabenow (D-Michigan), Elizabeth Warren (D-Massachusetts), Tammy Baldwin (D-Wisconsin), and Amy Klobuchar (D-Minnesota) speaking in Congress. Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

Regardless what he meant in that moment, the deviation from the social default of saying "he" is a bittersweet reminder that Franken, for all his faults, "got it," making his fall from grace and the actions that caused it that much more disappointing.

Longtime Franken supporters are right to feel conflicted watching the person they once looked up to have such an epic fall, but in the end, he did the right thing.

You can watch Franken's full speech below or read a transcript via Minnesota Public Radio.

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The Celebrity Perv Apology Generator is hilariously, depressingly accurate.

The results from this website could easily be real celebrity apologies.

Why are celebrity apologies so ... bad? Like ... head-scratchingly bad?

Harvey Weinstein prefaced his by saying that he "came of age in the '60s and '70s, when all the rules about behavior in workplaces were different." Louis C.K. noted that he "never showed a woman [his] dick without asking first." Kevin Spacey felt the need to say, "I choose now to live as a gay man."

For having access to some of the best public relations professionals in the world, it seems celebrities just can't seem to put together a statement of contrition that actually comes off as genuine.

Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein have both recently released less-than-stellar apologies for truly reprehensible acts. Photos by Christopher Polk/Getty Images, Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images.

Author Dana Schwartz jokingly tweeted plans to start "a small business ghostwriting half-hearted apologies for celebrity pervs." Within 24 hours, it became a reality.

Teaming up with designers Rob Sheridan and Scott McCaughey, Schwartz launched the Celebrity Perv Apology Generator, where anyone can go and get their very own half-assed apology for free. It's satire at its best, reflecting non-apologies back on the celebrities who give them.

"Please consult for all your celebrity perv apology needs," Schwartz tweeted.

In cycling through a few results on the apology generator, some familiar phrases popped up.

"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling," reads one of the responses.

[rebelmouse-image 19532814 dam="1" original_size="748x256" caption=""As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I 'honked' her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I'm not saying the victim is a 'liar,' I'm just saying 'she's not telling the truth about the thing that happened because maybe it didn't even happen.'"" expand=1]"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I 'honked' her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I'm not saying the victim is a 'liar,' I'm just saying 'she's not telling the truth about the thing that happened because maybe it didn't even happen.'"

"As a father of daughters," begins another.

[rebelmouse-image 19532815 dam="1" original_size="748x263" caption=""As the father of daughters, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this."" expand=1]"As the father of daughters, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this."

The common thread in each of these results is that the words "I'm sorry" are nowhere to be found, instead, replaced by a litany of excuses.

"As a male feminist, harassment is completely unacceptable — especially when people find out about it. At the time I believed that my sociopathic manipulation of the 22-year-old in my office was consensual, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will delete my Twitter account because I hate to see people who are mad at me."

"I found myself getting really exacerbated by the cycle of accusation, blowback, and apology," Schwartz explains in a Twitter direct message.

"The apologies just became these rote boxes to check, like a whole new genre of writing complete with its own cliches and recycled phrases," she says.

The generator was born out of the idea that the types of apologies we've been seeing from celebrities are so generic that they might as well be pre-written or even automated.

[rebelmouse-image 19532817 dam="1" original_size="748x445" caption=""At the time, I said to myself that what I did was OK because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true," comedian Louis C.K. wrote in a statement to the New York Times. Photo by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for The Bob Woodruff Foundation." expand=1]"At the time, I said to myself that what I did was OK because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true," comedian Louis C.K. wrote in a statement to the New York Times. Photo by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for The Bob Woodruff Foundation.

Apologies are important, so what makes a good one?

According to Schwartz, a good apology must be earnest, specific, and remorseful. "Actually saying, 'I'm sorry' helps, and not making excuses," she writes, adding that the best apologies would have happened years ago and not just when someone's professional reputation is on the line.

A 2014 paper by Stanford psychologist Karina Schumann, published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggests that a good apology actually has eight specific parts:

  1. The words "I'm sorry."
  2. The words "I was wrong," or some variation thereof.
  3. An acknowledgment of the action being apologized for.
  4. An honest description of the action without blaming others.
  5. An emphasis on understanding how the wronged person has been hurt.
  6. An outline of plans to make amends for the damage the was done.
  7. An assurance that what's being apologized for won't happen again.
  8. An ask for forgiveness.

Not every apology will be accepted, and that's OK. We all make mistakes in our lives; we all have moments or actions that have probably necessitated an apology or two along the way. Not every apology has to be a big public show — in fact, most genuine apologies aren't.

In an ideal world, the offending action wouldn't have happened in the first place. This isn't that world, however. People make mistakes, and when they do, they should say they're sorry — they should just make sure it doesn't sound like something you'd find on Schwartz's website.

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