upworthy

anxiety

Tom Cruise

Not only can Tom Cruise do his own stunts, he's a good therapist too. His Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One co-star, Haley Atwell, has revealed that she, like so many of us, struggles with social anxiety. On the Reign with Josh Smith podcast, she discusses how it often overwhelms her and makes her want to retreat.

Tom Cruise, mission impossible, stunt, stunt man, actor, filmTom Cruise Mi GIF by Mission: ImpossibleGiphy

But she was saved by incredibly insightful advice from Tom Cruise, which she imparts to the audience. After describing him as a positive "hair dryer" just blowing his positive energy around, Josh asks, "What's the best pep talk he's given you?" Haley answers, "Social anxiety tends to be something that people talk about a lot at the moment. It seems to be quite a buzzword of conversation."

They both agree that everyone has some version of anxiety, whether it's in a big group of people, a new work environment, or even just around a small group of friends. She confesses, "For me, I start to retreat into myself and overthink. 'Do I look weird? Do I seem awkward?' I'm not speaking, I'm just muffling my words or I need something to numb me from this.'"

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Luckily, Cruise has quite a simple way to combat these feelings. "The pep talk he gave me helps, which is that if you walk into a room and feel the anxieties coming, try doing the opposite. Try to look OUT and look around the room and go, 'Where is it? Where is the thing I have attached to my insecurity?'"

The idea is to pinpoint the place where her (or any of our) anxiety might be rooted. "Is it that person over there who reminds me of my high school bully? Is it that person over there who didn't give me a job once?" Once the source is recognized, if possible, Cruise suggests asking yourself, "Where does it live outside of me, and where do I feel like the source might be coming from?"

Haley emphasizes that examining her fear, which Cruise encourages, truly helps the anxiety subside. She continues, "If I look at it for long enough, the anxiety then can have a name. It can have a label and be contained, instead of free-floating, where I'm just in a total struggle internally with my own anxiety." Seeing through this prism, she shares, "If I’m scared of something, if I keep looking at it long enough, it tends to not be the monster under the bed anymore."


Actress, Hayley Atwell, social anxiety, mental health, actingFile:Hayley Atwell.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

Naming the emotion, whether it's jealousy, loneliness, etc., can help you outwardly address it so that it doesn't fester in your mind. She reiterates Cruise's words: "If you're scared of something, just keep looking at it. Try not to look away, and it will often give you information about how to overcome it."

Cruise's advice isn't all that different from many professional therapists. In the blog post, "How to overcome social anxiety: 8 tips and strategies" (clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA, for Calm.com,) ideas on how to overcome social anxiety are given and number one on the list could have been written by Cruise himself: "Identify your triggers," they write, explaining, "The first step to managing social anxiety is understanding what sparks it. Triggers can be unique to each person. Some might find large gatherings intimidating, while for others, it might be public speaking. To identify your triggers, keep a journal of your feelings and the situations that make you anxious. Recognizing these triggers is a crucial step in managing your reactions to them."


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They also suggest, among other ideas, breathing techniques such as the 4-7-8 method: breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and breathing out for 8. They also advise "challenging negative thought patterns." They explain, "Practice challenging these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought based on facts or feelings? What's the best thing that could happen?' Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can help reduce feelings of anxiety."

via Canva

A man and woman having a conversation.

Small talk can feel awkward, especially when talking to someone you don’t know very well and run out of things to say. That awkward silence may only last a few seconds but can feel like an eternity. Small talk can be uncomfortable, but it’s the gateway to starting relationships, creating professional opportunities, and building self-confidence. Becoming a master of small talk opens up possibilities, but how do you improve your skills?

One way to elevate your small talk game is by using a technique known as conversational threading. Adding a few more details to your questions and responses can open up different avenues to take the conversation and prevent it from stalling after a question or two. The key is to be an active listener with intentional questions.

How to get better at small talk

“The problem with most small talk is that it’s happening on autopilot, which means that people are asking questions they can already predict the answers to, such as: ‘How are you?’ ‘How’s the weather?’ “How was your weekend?’” Lorraine Lee, an award-winning virtual keynote speaker and CEO of RISE Learning Solutions, told CNBC Make It. The problem is that when you ask autopilot questions, you’re bound to get predictable answers, making it hard for the conversation to get off the ground.

Question: “How are you doing?”

Predictable answer: “Fine, how are you?”

Good answer: “Great, I’m planning a trip to Mexico, and I’ve really been enjoying ‘The White Lotus’ on Max."


The “good answer” here gives the person you’re talking to two threads to follow. They can ask you about Mexico or share how they once went to Cancun and had a great time. They can also reply to your thread about “The White Lotus” and discuss whether they have seen it.

Question: “Cold outside, isn’t it?”

Predictable answer: “Yeah, I’m freezing.”

Good answer: “It reminds me of the blizzard we had a few years back. What year was that?”

The “good answer” here also gives the person you’re talking to two threads. They can speculate on the date of the blizzard or share their experience with the snowstorm. The “predictable answer” stops the conversation in its tracks.

What are subject words?

Sean Cooper, known as the “shyness and social anxiety guy,” says we should look for “subject words” when talking with people because those will provide potential threads for a more meaningful conversation. For example: “I bought tires at the Goodyear station with my wife on Saturday” has four different keywords: tires, Goodyear, wife, and Saturday.” If you’re listening, it gives you four ways to turn the conversation into something more:

Tires — “Gee, I can’t remember the last time I changed my tires…”

Goodyear — “Is that the tire store off of Crenshaw Boulevard? Do they have good service?”

Wife — “How is your wife doing these days?”

Saturday — “Saturday was a lot of fun, I took my daughter to a horse stable."

Also, you can create better threads by asking more specific questions.

Autopilot question: “Do you come here often?”

Good question: “What’s your favorite drink at this bar?”

Autopilot question: “How are you doing?”

Good question: “What’s been the highlight of the week?”

Becoming good at small talk isn’t difficult as long as you can turn off autopilot and become more intentional with your questions and answers. Be sure to load up your responses with plenty of threads and keywords so that you’re partner can choose a direction for the conversation. As long as you keep threading the conversation, your relationship has room to grow and flourish.

Health

Doctor breaks down how to recognize ADHD in adults. The symptoms may be surprising.

"75% of adults with anxiety actually have ADHD as the cause of their anxiety."

Doctor breaks down how to recognize ADHD in adults.

If it seems that everyone is being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), there may be a reason and it's likely not the reason people think. Diagnostic criteria were initially based off of how ADHD presented in white children who were mostly male, so if you fell outside of that box your diagnosis was often overlooked. This is especially true in girls who then turned into undiagnosed or misdiagnosed women.

But it's not just women who were undiagnosed since the criteria mostly included ways in which hyperactivity showed up—you know, the "H" in ADHD. But not everyone with ADHD presents with the stereotypical hyperactivity bit. ADHD specialist Dr. Heather Brannon breaks down ways in which ADHD is missed and how to identify it in adults in a TEDx Talk in 2021.

In the first few minutes of the video, Brannon drops a statistic that feels mind-boggling: "75% of adults with anxiety actually have ADHD as the cause of their anxiety." Even though I fit into that category, consider my mind completely boggled because I thought I was a rarity and my psychiatrist was a magician. Turns out, he was probably just up to date on his continuing education credits.

Brannon talks about how people who may express feelings of overwhelm, anxiousness, and tiredness and who are easily frustrated may actually have undiagnosed ADHD.

It's pretty easy to overlook ADHD that presents with more of the attention deficit part of the diagnosis than the hyperactivity part. When someone is having difficulty sitting still, talking so fast that you can barely keep up, and is constantly on the go, it's pretty easy to pinpoint there may be an issue.

But when the person is quiet, sits still but misses large chunks of conversations, or is chronically forgetful and sleepy, it's much easier to miss the signs, according to Brannon.

Brannon says many people feel bad about themselves without knowing why, so having an answer for why you're feeling this way can be helpful.

The video is really fascinating and may help others recognize signs within themselves or with loved ones.

Give it a gander below:

This article originally appeared two years ago.

Four young people glued to their phones.

A little over a decade ago, people began celebrating Dry January to get their drinking under control after the holiday season. It’s so popular that these days, it's customary for people to say they’re not going out to the bar or a club because they are taking a month off of the sauce. It’s a great excuse for people to stay sober, and most friends won’t give y a hard time for taking a month off.

A similar sentiment surrounds smartphone use, and with the advent of Phone Free February, nonprofits are now encouraging people to take the month to either drastically reduce their phone usage or refrain from using it altogether. For some, putting the phone away for 28 days is hard because they need it for work, but they can create strategies to curb their use of social media apps or texting during their free time.

What is Phone Free February?

“While phones help us achieve many important tasks, they are also designed to keep us hooked. This highly addictive design has us checking our phones an average of 221 times every day,” the Global Solidarity Foundation, an organization promoting Phone Free February, notes on its website. Jacob Warn from the organization told the Washington Post that the month is an opportunity to “get you to question what you need your phone for."

phone-free February, smartphone addiction, mental healthA couple glued to their phones.via Canva/Photos

Organizers hope that if people take some time to live phone-free, they can realize its grip on their lives. When people call giving up their phones or reducing their use a digital detox, they’re not wrong; every time we swipe through a social media app, we get minor hits of dopamine to the areas of our brains that respond to drugs like cocaine. Withdrawal from social media and other dopamine-creating apps is akin to getting off of a drug, so Phone Free February participants should consider that when deciding how they want to reduce their use.

“There is some benefit in a hard stop for some people, but I’ve also seen it backfire on people, so it depends on the person and what they want to accomplish,” Emily Hemendinger, MPH, LCSW, assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado School of Medicine, writes. Particpaints should also use the month to consider long-term smartphone habits.

“Are you wanting to just take the time off and go right back to interacting with it in the same exact way after a day, or week, or month, or is there a way that you can change moving forward? There are plenty of ways we can work on improving those habits, so they don’t drag you down,” Hemendinger adds. “Digital detoxes are fine, but if you’re going back to the same behavior, you may find yourself needing more and more of these detoxes.”

Are smartphones bad for your mental health?

Another great reason to take some time off from your smartphone is to improve your mental health. Excessive smartphone use has been associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and social isolation. It’s also thought to be one of the main drivers of the recent rates of self-harm in teens and young adults.

phone-free February, smartphone addiction, mental healthA family glued to their phones.via Canva/Photos

If that’s not enough for people to reconsider their relationship with smartphones, Dino Ambrosi, founder of Project Reboot, says smartphones dominate all our free time. If you assume that the average 18-year-old today will live to the age of 90, after calculating the average time they spend sleeping, going to school, working, cooking, eating, doing chores, sleeping, and taking care of personal hygiene, today’s 18-year-olds have only 334 months of their adult lives to themselves. "Today, the average 18-year-old in the United States is on pace to spend 93% of their remaining free time looking at a screen,” Ambrosi told Upworthy.

Just as Dry January is a time to recommit ourselves to healthy drinking habits, Phone Free February is a moment to step back and reconsider our relationship with technology. Most of us joined the smartphone revolution nearly 2 decades ago, and since then, they have had an increasingly tighter grip on our lives. But the convenience of having a smartphone also comes with a cost, and that’s the most valuable thing we have in our lives: time. How much should we spend staring at a screen instead of enjoying the real beauty surrounding us?