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Someone asked what they should know about having a cat. Thousands of people offered input.

There's so much more we know about cats now than previous generations did.

gray cat with chin being scratched by a person's finger
Photo credit: Canva

Cat ownership is a delightful but serious commitment.

Anyone who's had a cat knows how bringing a feline friend into your life makes a huge impact in both positive and not-so-positive ways. Our pet cats might bring us great delight, but they also come with some quirks, oddities and other things people who are thinking about getting a cat should prepare for.

That's why when someone asked, "What does one need to know before getting a cat?" on Reddit, thousands of cat owners chimed in with information and advice.

In generations past, cat were seen as largely self-sufficient. That's still somewhat true in comparison to dogs, but we've learned a lot more about cats that has changed (and improved) the way cat owners care for their kitties.

via GIPHY

Here are the main things people say those considering getting a cat should know before committing:

Cats come as they are

People often joke about how their cats are oddballs, but it's a universal truth. Cats are quirky. If you've never had a cat and think they don't have much personality, you're entirely mistaken.

"Every cat has its own personality. It might not match your expectation."

"Every cat is at least a bit of a psychopath."

"Cats are the best pets for people with control issues... Because nothing is going to give you non stop lessons in something you can't control like a cat."

"That their character is complete luck of the draw. You might get one who really enjoys humans...or one who hates them. Or one who only wants to be near them but not touched. Or one that will crawl on your lap every change it gets. You do not know what kind of cat you'll get. If you're willing to take that gamble....go ahead."

"Cats have much stronger personalities than dogs do and often times can't be trained out of that personality the way dogs can. If you get a kitten, it's the luck of the draw whether you get a cat that's very cuddly and affectionate or one that's standoffish and doesn't like to be pet. Even two cats who are raised identically together can be wildly different in how receptive they are to people. If you have a specific idea of what you want out of a cat, such as if you like a lap cat who likes to go to bed with you, you should look into rescuing adult cats who already have their personalities developed."

Kittens choose violence

If you think kittens are cute and cuddly, you couldn't be more right. But also, they have razor blades on their feet and they will tear your extremities apart with them.

"As babies they sometimes like violence."

kittens playingKittens are cute, but their tiny claws and teeth are SHARP.Photo credit: Canva

"Yeah, they start off cute and then bam—you're covered in scratches, and it’s all because the sock looked at them wrong."

"They come with factory installed murder paws."

"They all like violence. You can never anticipate when they will choose violence."

"Getting a second kitten will help with this!! They can be violent with each other and teach each other boundaries, rather than having one lonely violent kitten constantly slicing up your hands and feet."

Cats like routine

For creatures who seem so aloof, cats are surprisingly very routine-oriented and don't like change much. Moving around furniture, going out of town or changing their feeding schedule can throw them off and cause stress.

"Cats are big fans of routines. They know when breakfast/dinner is, when playtime is and when you get home. If their routine is disrupted and these things happen sooner or later than they’re used to, they may get upset.

They’re also not fans of change in their environment. A new person or pet moving in, furniture being rearranged, new food, new litter, etc. can all unsettle a cat, make them feel unsafe and drive them to hide."

"Don't make abrupt changes. It is recommended that all changes should be subtle and in little steps. If you're going to move its bowl, or the litter box, it is advised to do it slowly. They don't react well to abrupt changes. Moving to another house or city can be really traumatic, leaving them stressed out for months."

cat in a boxChanges like moving can be hard on cats.Photo credit: Canva

Cats like cleanliness—but also chaos

Cats are naturally clean, barring any health or disability issues. They don't need to be bathed like dogs, and oddly their fur tends to smell really good. But they also want you to keep their litter box clean and will find ways to let you know if you are falling short on that front.

Oh, and they also like to make messes for fun, like total hypocrites.

"Keep the litterbox clean. They don't like it dirty. Cats like cleaniness."

"If you keep the litter box clean, most cats (of course, there are always exceptions) will vastly prefer that to any other location."

"If you don't keep their litter box in pristine, shiny, brand new condition, they'll just shit on the floor right in front of it."

"They don’t need to be bathed. They are self cleaning!"

"If you leave a glass of water unattended, that glass will be in a broken puddle on the floor when you come back."

"Mine would always wait for me to come back in view, then look me in the eye as she knocked the glass onto the floor."

Cats can be taken out by a bouquet

This one may come a surprise to many people, but some plants, especially certain flowers, are highly toxic to cats. And some of them can't help but chew on plants, which makes displaying flowers in your home a challenge. So expect a lot of "Is XYZ plant toxic to cats?" Google searches.

"Many ordinary house plants can kill your cat. Same with bouquets of flowers. Lilies are a big one but there are lots of others. Check all existing plants in your house before the cat comes home, don’t let new plants in without checking them."

"If you have houseplants, be prepared to part with any that are toxic to the cat. Some will take the risk, but the cats welfare is higher priority than you liking interior decor - which goes for anything breakable or edible also."

"Lilies are the real danger. Some lily-like flowers, such as alstroemeria (Peruvian lily), are not true lilies, so they are not as problematic. But true lilies can cause kidney failure in cats."

cat with flowersSome flowers can be deadly for cats.Photo credit: Canva

"My coworkers cat is in end stage renal failure from being near lilies."

"Plants can be a big risk; especially lily’s, but many common house plants are toxic."

Cats hide their suffering

Cat communicate in all kinds of way—meowing, purring, growling, hissing, ekekekek-ing and more—but they don't tend to let you know when they're in pain or discomfort. Stoic little buggers, so regular vet checkups and watching for subtle behavioral changes are really important.

"They are really good at hiding symptoms. Make sure to get them checked regularly. If the cat starts showing symptoms of a disease, it's probably already too late to fix."

"They do not let you know when something is wrong with them…or, I should say, they do in extremely subtle ways.

Dogs usually make it pretty obvious when something isn’t right with them. With cats; if you’re not paying attention - you won’t know until it’s bad."

"Sometimes 'behavioral' issues like hiding/going to the bathroom outside the litter box are sign of health issues!"

Cats need their claws

Some people declaw cats to try to save their furniture, but it's not a harmless procedure. Major vet organizations recommend against it, providing alternatives for discouraging problematic clawing behavior.

"Do not declaw your cat. Ever. That's horribly painful and is the equivalent of cutting off the first joint of all your fingers."

"If you intend on declawing a cat, do NOT get a cat."

"This so much. A friend of mine was thinking of getting her 1 year old kitten declawed and I had to tell her what they do and she was appalled. She has since trained him to use his scratching post and not her couch and she occasionally trims them or has the vet do it."

orange kitten having claws trimmedTrimming, yes. Declawing, no. Photo credit: Canva

"Trim your little kitten's claws regularly, even if all you take off is a hairsbreadth. Gets them used to having their paws handled that way."

Cats often do better in pairs

Cats can be solitary, but they often prefer to have furry friends of their own. Paired cats will often play together, groom one another and provide an outlet for their "zoomy" energy.

"They typically do well in pairs! People don’t often think they need companionship but they do."

"Consider getting two. Hear me out. As kittens, two are far less work for the human because they can play with and entertain each other, and they will naturally teach each other boundaries like how to not bite or scratch too hard. As adults, I would not say it’s a huge increase in work or cost as far as litter box and food goes.

Cats are naturally very social animals, despite pop culture representing otherwise. Some cats choose to be solitary, some cats have simply adapted to solitude because they have never had a friend. Two cats are truly better than one."

Cats should be indoors

People have differing opinions on this one, but it's generally recommended that cats be kept indoors for their own well-being as well as the safety of wildlife. Cats are predators pose a danger to bird populations especially.
"Please consider making your cat an indoor cat. Outdoor cats have a higher death rate than indoor cats, which is pretty self explanatory as there is a much higher rate of traffic accidents, attacks by other animals, getting lost/stuck places. It’s not fair on your cat, bordering on neglect, to just let it run around unsupervised outside all day.

The other thing to say about outdoor cats is how devastating they are for the local ecology. They hunt for fun, and each cat will be responsible for the deaths of probably hundreds of small birds, rodents, insects and lizards every year. Studies have shown that domestic cats have been directly responsible for the extinction of many species.

Outdoor cats are not a good idea for us, you, and them…"

"One important thing to remember is that cats that live exclusively indoors are healthier and live longer. Cats that roam are at risk of being killed by cars and dogs, and injured by getting into fights with other cats, or contracting illnesses from other cats (feline AIDS). Infection from another cats claws in a fight can lead to your cat being maimed or even dying. Roaming cats also kill a huge amount of wildlife, and it's estimated that roaming pet cats are responsible for the deaths of a billion native species in Australia every year."

"Keep your cat indoors. Cats that roam have an average life expectancy of 2-5 years due to cars, dogs, poisons, other cats, weather, wild animals, disease.... Indoor cats can live 15-20 years, depending on how dedicated their owner is to regular vaccinations and checkups, quality food and mental, social and physical stimulation."

cat on a person's lapCats can be sweet companions.Photo credit: Canva

Cats are a commitment

Indoor cat live a long time, so if you're starting with a kitten, be prepared for the long haul. But also, be prepared to be attached to your kitty and miss them dearly when they're gone.

"It’s a commitment of 12-20 years. Make sure you are:

  1. Not allergic
  2. Financially able to provide food and medical care (I recommend getting pet insurance, its saved my cats lives several times)
  3. Allowed to have pets where you live."

"It can be a 15 - to 20-year commitment. They are also the best companion ever."

"Yeah, nobody told me when I was 19 that this cat would be alive when I was 40!"

"And at the end you'll wish it was longer."

"Your cat(s) will become very important to you so make sure you’re ready for some emotional attachment because even when they piss you off, they are now your master and you must provide them the attention and love they require, whatever that entails."

That's basically cat ownership wrapped up in a nutshell.


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Modern Families

Once a refugee seeking safety in the U.S., Anita Omary is using what she learned to help others thrive.

Even in divided times, small acts of friendship help create vibrant communities where everyone feels safe.

Once a refugee seeking safety in the U.S., Anita Omary is using what she learned to help others thrive.
Pictured here: Anita Omary; her son, Osman; and Omary’s close friends
Pictured here: Anita Omary; her son, Osman; and Omary’s close friends
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In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.

“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.

“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.

Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.

Understanding the journey

Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.

Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.

A warm welcome

Dee and Omary's son, Osman

Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.

“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”

Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.

“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”

Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.

“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”

More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.

“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”

Extending the welcome

Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven.

Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.

“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.

Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.

“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.

“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”

Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.

This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.

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Joy

Thomas Jefferson coined a hip and funny phrase for abrupt goodbyes that still holds up today

A great phrase for when you've just gotta leave without explanation.

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via White House/Wikimedia Commons and Canva/Photos

Thomas Jefferson and a woman waving.

"Irish goodbye" is a term for when someone slips out of an event without telling anyone, avoiding the awkwardness of announcing their departure. (Though the Irish didn't necessarily invent the phenomenon.) But what do we call it when someone decides to turn tail and leave a situation immediately, without any explanation at all? These days, there doesn't seem to be a name for a sudden, unexpected exit. Back in the 1800s, however, there was one, courtesy of the third president, Thomas Jefferson.

The phrase: "My name is Haines."

This may sound a bit strange, but it all stems from an unusual interaction Jefferson had while in office with a member of the opposition party. According to Monticello.org, The Weekly Picayune originally published the story in New Orleans on February 17, 1840.

The story behind "My name is Haines"

In 1805, during his second term as president, Jefferson was riding near Monticello, his Virginia residence, when he struck up a conversation with another man on the road. Amusingly, the man had no idea who he was speaking to, and as a rank-and-file member of the Federalist Party, which opposed Jefferson's Democratic-Republican Party, he had plenty of harsh words for the president.

monticello, thomas jefferson, jefferson house, virginia, famous houses Thomas Jefferson's Monticello.via Martin Falbisoner/Wikimedia Commons

The Weekly Picayune wrote:

"Haines took particular pains to abuse Mr. Jefferson; called him all kinds of hard names, ran down every measure of his administration, poked the non-intercourse and embargo acts at him as most outrageous and ruinous, ridiculed his gun-boat system as preposterous and nonsensical, opposed his purchase of Louisiana as a wild scheme — in short, took up every leading feature of the politics of the day, and descanted upon them and their originator with the greatest bitterness."

Jefferson simply listened, neither in the mood to argue nor to reveal his identity. When the two arrived at Jefferson's home, the president invited the man inside for refreshments. At one point, the visitor asked the president for his name. Here is how it was reported in The Weekly Picayune:

"Jefferson," said the President, blandly.

"The [devil]! What, Thomas Jefferson?"

"Yes sir, Thomas Jefferson."

"President Thomas Jefferson?" continued the astonished Federalist.

"The same," rejoined Mr. Jefferson.

"Well, my name is Haines!" and putting spurs to his horse, he was out of hearing instantly.

jefferson memorial, tidal basin, washington d.c., historical monuments, american history The Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.via Joe Ravi/Wikimedia Commons

Why did Haines ride off so quickly?

There are many reasons Haines may have decided to bail on the president so abruptly. He was likely embarrassed after bad-mouthing the president to his face and may not have wanted to risk any reprisal for his harsh words. And as someone who harbored deep ill will toward the president, he probably had no interest in entertaining his company. Regardless, "My name is Haines" became a popular phrase after appearing in The Weekly Picayune , and it was used whenever someone wanted to leave a situation suddenly and without explanation.

The phrase would be used until around the Civil War, but by the beginning of the 20th century, it, too, had said goodbye. It faded away rather than vanishing in an instant, as Mr. Haines famously did.

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Perfectly '80s video of guys 'summer skiing' down a grassy hill is blowing people's minds

Yup, it's an actual thing.

grass skiing, 1980s, '80s nostalgia, skiing, sports
Photo credit: YouTube screenshots via Warren Miller Entertainment

People are blown away by this '80s video of people grass skiing.

The video absolutely screams "1980s": a group of young men walk up a grassy hill with some kind of equipment on their backs, clad in short shorts and loud-looking wind breakers. But then something weird happens: as retro synthesizers blare in the background, they strap on what look like tricked-out roller skates and start gliding down a grassy hill. They perform gleeful mid-air splits, leap over tree trunks, and enjoy the editing benefits of super-cool slow-mo. What exactly is happening here?

The video, which appears to be compiled from a 1984 skiing documentary, went viral in January 2026 through an X post captioned "In the 1980s many were certain summer skiing would become a thing." People responded with a blend of confusion and nostalgia—wondering if the video was even real, pointing out how dangerous this sport looked, and asking why they'd never even heard of grass skiing to begin with.

"Well, why didn't it catch on?"

Here are some of the best reactions:

"This looks like a great way to frolic"

"This looks incredibly fun"

"LOL! The body english on the jumps is peak 80s. I wanna go back, go back, and do it all over but I can't go back I know...."

"Yep Still have mine but wouldn't dare nowadays."

"Guessing the broken arms, legs, backs, and necks convinced people it was not a great idea. Snow is far more forgiving."

"Where does one find a grassy hillside like this?"

"Wait…… HOW IS THIS NOT A THING?!!!! Somebody make them now!!!!! I swear I’ll buy the first pair!!!!"

"Looks fun until you faceplant right into dirt"

"80s seemed like so much fun. I’m a 90s kid and that was fun too but 80s feels like it was more raw"

"Fun fact: crashing hurts less and causes less damage in the snow."

"Well, why didn't it catch on?"

- YouTube www.youtube.com

The history of grass skiing

If you're like most people in the comments, you'd probably never seen this footage, which appears to be taken from the Warren Miller documentary Ski Country. According to The Ski Journal, that film "marked the height of grass skiing in the United States," 21 years after the sport was invented by Josef Kaiser in Germany. They note an average pair of these skis "consist of 192 rolls and some 1,500 individual pieces," with variations depending on the discipline and application.

The ultra niche design, The Ski Journal writes, is part of the activity’s "downfall" in the U.S. "The skis are made to be carved, and so snow-plowing and hockey-stopping aren't possible," they note, "meaning options for stopping are limited to falling or running out of momentum at the bottom of the hill." Nonetheless, the activity did have a brief moment in the sun. It's reportedly been Stateside since 1966, when it first hit Bryce Mountain Resort in Virginia. In 2024, SnowTrex Magazine notes that competitions are still held in Europe.

If you want to learn more about grass skiing, check out the detailed page at the International Ski and Snowboard Federation website.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

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Gen X has been designated the 'worst grandparents.' Sadly, their explanation makes sense.

The latch-key generation doesn't hate their family, they're burnt out.

Gen X; Gen X grandparents; absent grandparents; Gen X worst grandparents; Millennials; worst grandparents; Gen Z
Photo credit: Canva

Gen X designated the 'worst grandparents' by Millennials

Generation X, typically the children of Baby Boomers born between the years of 1965-1980 tend to have a complicated reputation depending on who you ask. Some view them as a feral generation never to be spoken of poorly without consequence, while others view them as innovators pushing us into the future. But in recent years, Gen Xers have been dubbed the "worst grandparents" by social media users.

This multi-year conversation started when a video went viral calling Gen X out for being "terrible" grandparents, claiming that they never want to help with grandchildren. It didn't take long before other Millennials piled on to air their own grievances about Gen X grandparents. Most people criticizing the "new grandparents" were genuinely perplexed as to how they did not want to be more involved in the lives of their grandchildren.

Gen X; Gen X grandparents; absent grandparents; Gen X worst grandparents; Millennials; worst grandparents; Gen Z Family baking fun in the kitchen.Photo credit: Canva

Kylie Muse reveals in a video that she felt neglected by her Gen X parents growing up, saying, "It's quite a common theme for Gen X parents to be neglectful in some capacity and it's just crazy to me how more of them haven't learned from the past 20 to 30 years, instead of these grandparents seeing their kids having kids as an opportunity to restore the health in their relationships with their kids by showing up and helping them during the hardest transition of their lives, they would rather double down and compromise their relationship with that next generation. All for the sake of hyper-individualism and pride."

@kylies.muse

Gen x grandparents and their beloved empty nest 🥴 just say you hate having a family 😭 #grandparents #grandparentsoftiktok

The critique coming from the younger generation is not lost on Gen X, and they started coming out in force to respond with such vigor you'd think John Hughes had just announced the re-release of The Breakfast Club. It would seem that some of the people complaining of the lack of involvement have not considered that Gen X could have valid reasons for not immediately jumping in to take on grandparenting in the way some expect. A man by the name of John S. Blake gives a candid look into why Gen X was neglected as children and, in turn, became hype-independent at an early age.

"As a Gen X who's been on this earth long enough to have some hindsight I can tell you this, being independent at a young age is not a flex, what it actually means is capitalism is so brutal that our parents were forced to neglect their own children to stay alive. My generation was struggling so much that we had to leave our children unattended in order to produce enough so that we could afford to exist," Blake says.

@blackfluidpoet

Replying to @ellens0061 #foryoupage #homealone #fyp #foryou

But perhaps one of the most heart wrenching explanations comes from an elder Millennial who goes by the name Amazing Dea. In response to another Millennial who asks about Gen X being let off the hook, Dea shares, "Being as though you look like you might be a younger Millennial, let me go ahead and enlighten you. Generation X and older Millennials had to live through more than just this pandemic. We had the crack epidemic, we had the AIDS epidemic and let me tell you something, it was scary as f***."

Dea went on to explain that there were apartment complexes burned due to high populations of people with AIDS living in them and how they would witness people go from being completely normal to being addicted to crack in a matter of weeks. It seems that depending on socioeconomic status, Gen Xers lived wildly different lives with the common theme being growing up entirely too fast at an extremely young age.

Gen X; Gen X grandparents; absent grandparents; Gen X worst grandparents; Millennials; worst grandparents; Gen Z Three generations smiling by the sea.Photo credit: Canva

Another person kindly breaks down the confusion over why Gen X isn't rising to the occasion of being award-winning grandparents. In response to the criticism she replies, "We grew up in a different time, first of all. A lot of us, meaning me, Gen X, I was raised by boomers. A lot of us did not get raised by our grandparents. We were like the feral kids, like by 7 and 9 years old we were actually babysitting our brothers and sisters, alright."

The woman explains further in the video that Gen X doesn't want to raise their grandchildren or simply be babysitters, that there's a difference between expecting grandparents to be involved and expecting them to be babysitters.

@that1crazy72

Let’s take it a step further. You share DNA with your grandkids they are part of you not everyone gets the privilege of being a grandparent so if you are one take that as a blessing #genxgrandparents

In many of the response videos shared by Gen Xers, they certainly seem to love their grandchildren and children alike, but there's a discrepancy in expectation. The consensus of the forgotten generation seems to be that they had adult responsibilities much too early, were exposed to adult life experiences at a young age, and were often left to their own devices for long periods of time while also being told that their voices didn't matter.

While the argument seems to be around their lack of involvement as grandparents, they appear to be saying that they want to enjoy the freedom they didn't have as children, while being valued as a person and not a babysitter. In many follow up videos, Gen Xers gushed over their grandchildren and how they loved when they were around. It's just that they draw the line at raising them. Maybe for some, their experiences with their own childhood isn't enough to move Gen X out of the "worst grandparents" category, but for others it provides much needed context.

This article originally appeared in June.

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Caregivers at senior living home share the 3 hard truths they wish everyone knew

"Sometimes people forget how much we love the elderly we work with."

caregiving, caregivers, elderly, senior living, senior citizens
Photo credit: Canva

A caregiver helps their patient.

While caring for the elderly can be extremely rewarding, it comes with a specific set of challenges that aren't often discussed. Delivering high-quality care is vital for anyone in this position, but this must come with a level of patience many of us might take for granted.

While visiting my own mother in the senior living home where she resides, I was able to sit down for heart-to-hearts with a few of the caregivers who work for various residents. They opened up in a way I found beautifully vulnerable and surprising. Here are their stories. (At their request, I have changed their names.)

Setting boundaries with families

caregiving, caregivers, nursing, family dynamics, elderly, senior living Caregiver discusses a patient with another family member.Photo credit: Canva

A woman named Veronica shared that she often feels stuck in the middle of family disputes. "I don't like it when I'm just trying to do my job and take care of clients and I've got 20 people calling me. Sisters, wives, brothers, daughters, sons, and even best friends. Everyone has an opinion. I wish they'd have family meetings and decide what to do without sticking me in the middle."

Another woman, Anne, added her two cents, saying, "Family dynamics are tricky. I want to respect how hard it is to age on everyone in the family, without feeling like I'm inserting myself in the drama."

They want to be asked about their day

caregiving, caregivers, burnout, nursing, elderly, senior citizens A caregiver takes a break. Photo by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash

Anne shares that she sometimes feels invisible. "Sometimes I wish they would ask how things are in my life. What my hopes and wishes are. I would like it if they understood that sometimes I need a day off, or that my body hurts sometimes."

On a resource site for caregivers, one of the helpful tips is finding the balance between helping others and self-care. This means paying attention to their own mental and physical health needs. "Maintaining your health is crucial for being able to care effectively for your loved one. Take care of your own health by focusing on nutrition, exercise, and sufficient rest. Regular self-care routines can help you stay strong and resilient in the face of caregiving demands."

Mental Health America also has a few articles dedicated to self-care as a caregiver. "If you cannot remember the last time you slept properly, ate adequately, exercised weekly, or did not feel guilty about taking a sick day, then you're probably feeling the impacts of caregiving on your mental and physical health. Ask yourself: 'What could I do to replenish myself?'"

They go on to give tips: "Is there any small action that could improve my life or make me feel more content with my present state? If you're treating yourself fairly, the answer should be yes. Everyone always has some need that could be better fulfilled—caregivers are no exception."

Hard to say goodbye

caregiving, caregiver, elderly, senior citizens, loss, grief Elderly people holding hands. Photo by Dulcey Lima on Unsplash

Sometimes, especially after a caregiver has worked with a person for more than a month or two, they develop a true bond. While the connection is genuinely satisfying, it can make the loss of that patient even harder.

Mark, who has been working with senior citizens for two decades, explains how devastating the losses can feel. "I worked with a woman named Evelyn for seven years. She passed away at the age of 94. It's especially hard because when you're in this business, you might have three clients pass in the span of a few weeks."

Veronica added, "Sometimes people forget how much we love the elderly we work with."

These sentiments come back to decompression. Processing just one loss can be difficult. Having to do so for multiple people in a short amount of time takes extra healing time for everyone.

The resource site also notes how important it is to take breaks when needed. "Caregiving can be overwhelming, so taking respite breaks regularly is important. These breaks can help prevent burnout and give you time to recharge. Schedule time for yourself to engage in activities that you enjoy and that help you relax."

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How the 'vegan but bacon' theory can transform how people think about habit change

"Stop making arbitrary rules for yourself."

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Photo credit: Canva

The "vegan but bacon" message went viral.

Most of us have things we want to do in life, goals we want to achieve, but find that all kinds of obstacles get in our way. Sometimes those obstacles are external things we can't control, and sometimes they are internal things we aren't consciously aware of that hold us back.

For instance, certain mindsets can keep us from making progress, from negative thinking to creating rules for ourselves that don't actually exist. One example of the latter was brilliantly challenged by a vegan content creator named Liz, who had someone tell her that they'd go vegan if it weren't for their love of bacon. Her response was powerfully simple: "So do it. Go vegan but bacon."

Liz, Tiktok, video, viral, content creator, vegan TikTok · liz 🌱🥕🪱🤎 www.tiktok.com

The TikTok post was viewed nearly three million times, topped only by her similar post that said the same thing, but with cheese instead of bacon. Lots of people in the comments of both posts shared that they eat vegan 95% of the time, eat vegan only at home but not at other people's houses, or that they have one specific non-vegan food they eat but stick to plant-based foods otherwise. As Liz says, "Harm reduction is harm reduction," and most people do things a step at a time, not all at once.

The idea that you don't have to take an all-or-nothing approach to a certain diet or lifestyle was a revolutionary one for people who struggle with perfectionism. And, as another creator pointed out, this theory can apply to lots of areas of our lives.

"Stop making arbitrary rules for yourself," wrote Addie the Optimist on TikTok. "It prevents you from actually reaching your goals." She said if you don't have 100% of your energy to put in at the gym, go to the gym anyway and give 50%. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

The truth is, there are very few actual rules in life. Aside from laws of the land and whatever spiritual laws someone might feel are obligatory, the "rules" we tend to live by are generally optional and largely arbitrary. Three meals a day? Totally made up. Wearing workout clothes to exercise? Genuinely optional. You can just do things. You rarely have to do them any particular way, and you rarely have to do them all the way.

Giving yourself permission to do something imperfectly is incredibly freeing, and may actually lead to greater progress than perfectionism, as many people shared in the comments:

"I was like 'I need to go the gym but I only like cardio' then I realized I can do just the cardio and no one will come arrest me."

"Sometimes washing most of the dishes is washing enough."

"Half-assing is the stepping stone to whole-assing. 🙂↕️"

"If you only have 10% to give and you give 10% you have just given 100%."

"Sloppy success beats perfect failure!"

"Perfect is the enemy of done."

"Once you get out of the all or nothing mindset the possibilities are endless."

vegan, habits, food, vegetarian, eating You don't have to take an all or nothing approach to change. Photo credit: Canva

As Addie said in her video, "You don't have to be imprisoned by your own rules." That's easier said than done for some of us, perhaps, but seeing a mindset shift demonstrated like this can sometimes help us snap out of our own self-limiting thoughts. Additionally, having a short slogan to remind ourselves to ditch all-or-nothing thinking can also be helpful. So, the next time you find yourself feeling like you have to do something all the way or not at all, just tell yourself "vegan but bacon," and give yourself permission to follow your own rules.

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