Doctor has a super simple tip to keep "default parenting" from happening
It might seem like overkill, but can actually be very helpful.
Sometimes what seems like over-communication is actually just normal communication.
We’ve pretty much all heard about default parenting at this point. But very few conversations deal with how to prevent it. Sure, we hear plenty of stories of fed-up moms finally drawing a line in the sand after those obligatory responsibilities take their toll, but how to keep it from happening in the first place?
This can be a struggle for all couples, because without constant effort and communication, it’s so easy to go into default mode. But pediatrician Dr. Em (@dr.emzieees) has a tip that can really help. It’s advice she learned when first becoming a doctor, that she now shares with parents during their first appointment—assuming that the child is in fact being raised by two parents, and those parents are one mome and one dad, that is.
The advice is this: “If either parent is leaving the room, they need to tell the other parent.”
Now, this might seem rudimentary, but as Dr. Em explains, we don’t often see an even dynamic between moms and dads here. Painting the picture, she said, “When both parents are in the room, if mom needs to leave the room — if she needs to go to the bathroom, if she needs to change her clothes — she tells her partner.”
Meanwhile fathers “will oftentimes just get up and leave the room because they know that mom is there.”
Even this seemingly innocent habit is a problem, because if only one partner, (i.e., “dad”) “can get up and leave at any time and not say anything,” that sends the message that there’s only one parent that HAS to be available at all times. And that parent is, you guessed it, mom.
“It’s something a lot of men don’t realize unless you tell them. If mom doesn’t know when her duties are going to start and end she’s just always on duty for the baby,” Dr. Em reiterated.
If there was any doubt that this is, in fact, a common occurrence for women, read the comments below:
“I had this exact argument with my husband when our daughter was young. I wa sSO MAD that he could just come and go as he pleased, and I couldn't
“Hubby and I had this argument when our youngest was a baby. Sometimes he’ led the house without saying anything. 6 years down the round and he would NEVER. Our kiddo is safer d/t this rule.”
“Thank you for this! I’ve been trying to explain to my husband why I get upset that he just leaves and he hasn't quite got it from how I’m explaining it- but I showed him this and he said it makes sense and now he understands.”
Then again, a lot of couples seemed to have found their way into this healthy habit naturally.
“My husband and I have always told each other we’re leaving the room. I never realized this wasn't the norm,” one person wrote.
So often in healthy partnerships—especially those that involve raising a human together—rely on excellent communication. It might feel like overkill at first, but it’s a subtle-yet-effective way to consistently stay on the same page. None of us might be born with these skills, but we can all get better through practice.
- Father of 3 shares what he learned about his wife’s ‘mental load’ after she left for 8 days ›
- Man tells other dads to stop asking their wives one 'frustrating' question and to do this instead ›
- Therapist and mom helps struggling parents by explaining care tasks are ‘morally neutral' ›
- Mom of teens admits two truths about being 'default parent' - Upworthy ›
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Not just coworkers—family, friends, strangers, kids…
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Imagine how this would affect childcare.
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Urgent dash to the bathroom! 🚪🏃♂️
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
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Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."