upworthy
Community

Please read this before you post another RIP on social media.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

grief, Facebook posts, RIP posts
via Pexels

A guide to grief in the modern world.

Grieving in the technology age is uncharted territory.

I’ll take you back to Saturday, June 9, 2012. At 8:20 a.m., my 36-year-old husband was pronounced dead at a hospital just outside Washington, D.C.

By 9:20 a.m., my cellphone would not stop ringing or text-alerting me long enough for me to make the necessary calls that I needed to make: people like immediate family, primary-care doctors to discuss death certificates and autopsies, funeral homes to discuss picking him up, and so on. Real things, important things, time-sensitive, urgent things.

At 9:47 a.m., while speaking to a police officer (because yes, when your spouse dies, you must be questioned by the police immediately), one call did make it through. I didn’t recognize the number. But in those moments, I knew I should break my normal rule and answer all calls. “He’s dead??? Oh my God. Who’s with you? Are you OK? Why am I reading this on Facebook? Taya, what the heck is going on?”

Facebook? I was confused. I hadn’t been on Facebook since the day before, so I certainly hadn’t taken the time in the last 90 minutes to peek at the site.

“I’ll call you back,” I screamed and hung up. I called my best friend and asked her to search for anything someone might have written and to contact them immediately and demand they delete it. I still hadn’t spoken to his best friend, or his godsister, or our godchild’s parents, or a million other people! Why would someone post it to Facebook SO FAST?

via Pexels

While I can in no way speak for the entire planet, I certainly feel qualified to propose some suggestions — or, dare I say, rules — for social media grieving.

How many RIPs have you seen floating through your social media stream over the last month? Probably a few. Death is a fate that we will each meet at some point. The Information Age has changed the ways in which we live and communicate daily, yet there are still large voids in universally accepted norms.

This next statement is something that is impossible to understand unless you’ve been through it:

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Yes, a hierarchy. It’s something people either don’t understand or understand but don’t want to think or talk about — yet we must.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Hierarchy is defined as:

  1. a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority, and
  2. an arrangement or classification of things according to relative importance or inclusiveness.

What does this mean as it relates to grief? Let me explain. When someone dies — whether suddenly or after a prolonged illness, via natural causes or an unnatural fate, a young person in their prime or an elderly person with more memories behind them than ahead — there is one universal truth : The ripples of people who are affected is vast and, at times, largely unknown to all other parties.

A death is always a gut punch with varying degrees of force and a reminder of our own mortality. Most people are moved to express their love for the deceased by showing their support to the family and friends left behind.

In the days before social media, these expressions came in the form of phone calls, voicemail messages, and floral deliveries.

If you were lucky enough to be in close proximity to the family of the newly deceased, there were visits that came wrapped with hugs and tears, and deliveries of food and beverages to feed all the weary souls.

Insert social media. All of those courtesies still occur, but there is a new layer of grief expression — the online tribute in the form of Facebook posts, Instagram photo collages, and short tweets.

What’s the problem with that? Shouldn’t people be allowed to express their love, care, concern, support, and prayers for the soul of the recently deceased and for their family?

Yes.

And no.

Why? Because there are no established “rules,” and people have adopted their own. This isn’t breaking news, and you’re not trying to scoop TMZ. Listen, I know you’re hurt. Guess what? Me too. I know you’re shocked. Guess what? Me too. Your social media is an extension of who you are. I get it. You “need” to express your pain, acknowledge your relationship with the deceased, and pray for the family.

Yes.

However...

Please give us a minute.

We are shocked.

We are heartbroken.

via Pexels

Give the immediate family or circle a little time to handle the immediate and time-sensitive “business” related to death. In the minutes and early hours after someone passes away, social media is most likely the last thing on their minds. And even if it does cross their mind, my earlier statement comes into play here.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Please pause and consider your role and relationship to the newly deceased. Remember, hierarchy refers to your status and your relative importance to the deceased. I caution you to wait and then wait a little longer before posting anything. This may seem trivial, silly, and not worth talking about, but I promise you it isn’t.

If the person is married, let the spouse post first.

If the person is “young” and single, let the partner, parents, or siblings post first.

If the person is “old” and single, let the children post first.

If you can’t identify the family/inner circle of the person, you probably shouldn’t be posting at all.

Do you get where I’m going with this?

In theory, we should never compare grief levels, cast the grief-stricken survivors into roles, or use words like status and importance. But maybe we need to at this moment (and for the next few weeks and months).

The “RIP” posts started hitting my timeline about an hour after my husband’s death, and I certainly didn’t start them. This created a sense of confusion, fear, anxiety, panic, dread, and shock for the people who knew me, too. What’s wrong? Who are we praying for? Did something happen? Did someone pass? Why are there RIPs on your wall and I can’t reach you? Call me please! What’s going on?

That’s a small sample of messages on my voicemail and text inbox. I had to take a minute in the midst of it all to ask a friend to post a status to my Facebook page on my behalf.

Image via iStock.

Your love and expressions of support are appreciated and needed, but they can also be ill-timed and create unintended additional stress.

The person is no less dead and your sympathy no less heartfelt if your post, photo, or tweet is delayed by a few hours. Honestly, the first couple of hours are shocking, and many things are a blur. Most bereaved people will be able to truly appreciate your love, concern, prayers, and gestures after the first 24 hours.

I’ve learned this from the inside — twice within the last four years. And I assure you that if we each adopted a little patience and restraint in this area, we would help those who are in the darkest hours of their lives by not adding an unnecessary layer of stress.

A few extra hours could make all the difference.







From Your Site Articles
Related Articles Around the Web
grief
Education

One teacher's simple, disgusting experiment drives home the importance of hand washing

"Hand sanitizer is not an alternative to washing hands!"

Facebook/Jaralee Metcalf

Simple. Disgusting. Informative.

One of the biggest breakthroughs in preventing the spread of illnesses and infections in hospitals was embarrassingly simple: hand washing. In 1846, Hungarian physician Ignaz Semmelweis discovered that hand washing played a vital role in the spread of germs, and the practice soon became mandatory in hospitals. The simple act of scrubbing hands with soap and water literally saved lives.

Getting a kid to wash their hands, however, can be an uphill battle. While it's a common thing kids (don't) do, global perspective on the importance and effectiveness of hand washing has risen since the COVID-19 pandemic. According to a study published by the National Library of Medicine (NLM) in 2023, before the emergence of COVID-19, a survey found that only about 36% of people always washed their hands with soap, 48% sometimes used soap, and an unsettling 16% of respondents said they wash without soap. After COVID-19 emerged, however, more than 72% of respondents reported using soap every time they washed their hands. There's nothing like a pandemic (and perhaps the reality of FAFO) to strike fear into the hearts of those chronic under washers, but in 2019, one teacher did a simple experiment to show her students just how important hand washing is.

"We did a science project in class this last month as flu season was starting," teacher Dayna Robertson and classroom behavioral specialist Jaralee Metcalf wrote on Facebook. "We took fresh bread and touched it. We did one slice untouched. One with unwashed hands. One with hand sanitizer. One with washed hands with warm water and soap. Then we decided to rub a piece on all our classroom Chromebooks." Robertson later noted that they normally do make a point to sanitize the classroom Chromebooks, but didn't that day in the name of science.

science, experiment, dexter's lab, cartoon, kids, hygiene Dexters Laboratory What A Fine Day For Science GIFGiphy

The bread was put into plastic bags and the germs were left to fester. The bread that had been touched by unwashed hands and the bread that had touched the Chromebook had the most mold. The bread that had been touched by hands washed with soap and water remained (relatively) good enough to eat.

This experiment has been done before, but Robertson expanded on it by testing the effectiveness of hand sanitizer. The bread that had been touched by hands cleaned with sanitizer also had a fair amount of mold on it, although not as much as the bread touched by unwashed hands.

bread, mold, experiment, education, hand washing, cleanlinessThe bread doesn't lie. Facebook/Jaralee Metcalf

"As somebody who is sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired," Robertson wrote, "wash your hands! Remind your kids to wash their hands! And hand sanitizer is not an alternative to washing hands!! At all!" It's kind of making us retroactively gag over seeing port-a-potties with hand sanitizer set up in lieu of sinks.

The experiment was prompted by a different science lesson. "We had just finished a science lesson on how leaves break down during winter. The kids were kind of grossed out by the mold, so we decided to run our own version using germs and mold from our own environment," Robertson told Scary Mommy.

Weirdly, the classroom experiment received some criticism. "Lots of people actually DEFENDED not washing their hands!" Robertson told Scary Mommy. "That was shocking! It really was just a simple classroom experiment to teach about mold but we have all learned more about how easily we can spread the germs we can't see."

In the 2019 lens, this lesson being about mold seems simple enough. All of us here in 2025, though, blessed (or cursed) with the experience of the pandemic, know that washing your hands really is as life-saving as Semmelweis proved nearly two centuries ago. Research done in 2020 and published in PubMed showed that individuals who washed their hands consistently were more likely to have lower rates of COVID-19 infection. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in 2024, hand washing also reduces respiratory illness like colds and flu in the general population by 16-21%, and reduces the number of people with diarrheal illnesses by 23-40%.

And to be sure, how we wash our hands is incredibly important. A quick rinse without scrubbing won't do the trick. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the proper technique for handwashing is to wet your hands, apply soap, and then run your soapy hands under the stream while rotating, rubbing, and scrubbing every inch of your hands for at least 20 seconds. Usually you can hit that mark by singing "Happy Birthday" twice. Then, rinse. When you're done, dry your hands with a clean towel. Check out this demonstration from the CDC:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

The moral of the story is, please, please remember to always wash your hands. It really makes a difference.

This article originally appeared six years ago. It has been updated.

From Your Site Articles
hand washing experiment
Culture

Why Americans and Brits measure distances differently, even though we both use miles

How do you describe how far a drive is?

Photo credit: Canva

The U.S. and the U.K. have different ways to describe how far away something is.

The United States and the United Kingdom go way back, and despite our rocky split nearly 250 years ago, our countries and cultures share a lot in common. We speak the same language, just with different accents. We have somewhat similar legal structures and constitutional governments and derive many of our shared cultural values from the same religious roots.

We also both use miles to measure distance (which may come as a surprise to Americans who may assume Brits use kilometers like most of the world), but there's a significant difference in how we talk about measuring distance. In the U.K., people say something is x miles away. In the U.S., people say something is x minutes or hours away.

Americans using time to describe how far away something feels totally intuitive to us but totally bonkers to Brits, as explained by Joshua Cauldwell (better known as "Josh from England").

Josh says measuring distance by time is "incomprehendible" to the British mind, partially because driving more than an hour is considered a very long drive. "It's considered way too far," says Josh. "Americans do that on their commute."

He then quips that Americans can get in their car, drive 12 hours, and still be in the same state (not true for most states, but from southern to northern California or across Texas or Alaska, it is true). England is slightly smaller than Iowa in terms of total square miles of land, so there's nowhere in the whole country that would even take an entire day to drive to.

road trip, driving, distance, miles, hours, travelRoad Trip Summer GIF by @SummerBreakGiphy

People in the comments corroborated the fact that Americans use time to talk about distance and are willing to drive many hours to go places.

"You're not wrong! I'll do a day trip to the beach (2.5 hours away)... drive home that night. Not bad at all."

"Driving 12 hrs and still being in the same state is call Texas. 😂"

"Cause 1 mile in Dallas can literally take 30 minutes depending on traffic. 😂"

"This is facts. When I was in highschool I worked a job that was about an hour away from my home and I didn't even think twice about it. It's just so normal. Also I frequently drive from Virginia to Michigan which is about a 10-12 hour drive and I genuinely enjoy it. As long as I have a good music playlist or some podcasts to listen to while I drive it's not a big deal. 😂"

road trip, long drive, driving in the u.s., miles, hoursLong road trips are common for American families.Photo credit: Canva

"Americans in the summer, will pack the SUV/mini van with blanks, clothes, snacks, kids and pets, then hit the road for a couple of DAYS, for a road trip and call it a family vacation. My theory is it’s what’s left of the pioneers’ spirit in us. 😂 I drive a couple hours just for guild meetings every month. 😂"

"Distance is irrelevant when you have to factor in interstate, city traffic, country roads, time of day... 50 miles on the interstate is much faster than through town or on a country road. Here in Vermont we go from city to interstate to country all in one direction. Time is of more value than distances."

"Traveling an hour is just going somewhere to do something fun that is relatively close."

driving, bib lebowski, road trip, distance, miles, hoursHappy Pumped Up GIF by Universal Pictures Home EntertainmentGiphy

He's completely right about Americans. We might occasionally say something like, "It's about a mile down the road" but anything longer than that and we're telling you how long it takes to get there—almost exclusively by car, which probably says more about us than we'd like. But it really is because our country is so big. Having moved from Illinois to Washington State, I can tell you it's about a 30-hour drive, but couldn't begin to guess how many miles it is. I know how long it takes to drive to every major city within an eight-hour radius of my hometown, but how many miles? No idea.

He's also right on another thing: Americans will compete with themselves to beat whatever arrival time the GPS app indicates when traveling:

Oh, Google Maps says this drive should take 5 hours and 25 minutes? I'm going to make it in 5 hours flat, no question. It's like we have some kind of sixth sense for how much and how often we need to exceed the posted speed limit in order to beat the time without getting into trouble.

We even have unwritten rules for this. In town, you basically obey the speed limit, maybe only going a few miles over when it feels okay. On the freeway? At least five miles over the speed limit, but often more like eight or nine (I have a police officer friend who once told me, "Eight you're great, nine you're mine," meaning that's the threshold over the speed limit where he would pull someone over). But I've lived in some big cities where the expressway speed limit is 55 mph but if you're not doing at least 70 you're getting passed by everyone else, including cops.

Nearly all of this boils down to how large the U.S. is and how accustomed we are to traveling far distances by car. As Josh pointed out previously, the size of the U.S. is also why Americans appear to be less traveled than Europeans. Our country is nearly the size of the entire European Union, so visiting many different states is the travel equivalent of visiting many different countries for someone living in Europe.

From Your Site Articles
culture
Animals & Wildlife

Diver convinces a tiny octopus to trade a plastic cup for a shell in Pixar-worthy video

The cup wasn't a safe choice, but the little cephalopod was stubborn.

Pall Sigurdsson/YouTube

Plastic is a problem for ocean wildlife.

Sometimes taking care of our beautiful home planet looks like big, broad policies tackling issues like plastic pollution and habitat destruction. And sometimes it looks like taking the time to help one tiny creature stuck in an environmental bind.

In a YouTube video that's been viewed a whopping 20 million times, we see an example of the latter in action as some kind and compassionate divers attempt to convince an octopus to abandon the plastic cup it's using for protection and trade it for a sturdy shell. Pall Sigurdsson has shared dozens of underwater videos on YouTube, but watching this particular video from his dive off the coast of Lembeh, Indonesia, in 2018 almost feels like watching a Pixar short film.

luxo jr lamp GIF by Disney PixarGiphy

"We spent a whole dive and most of our air saving this octopus from what was bound to be a cruel fate," Sigurdsson wrote in the description of the video.

"The coconut octopus, also known as veined octopus, is born with the instinct to protect itself by creating a mobile home out of coconut or clam shells. This particular individual however has been trapped by their instincts and have made a home out of a plastic cup they found underwater."

It's not just that the flimsy plastic cup didn't provide the octopus adequate protection. Sigurdsson explained that a predator like an eel or a flounder would probably end up swallowing the cup with the octopus in it, likely killing both of them. Plus, even if the octopus abandoned the cup on its own, plastic simply doesn't belong in the ocean.

plastic in the ocean, plastic pollution, ocean wildlifePlastic doesn't belong in the ocean.Photo credit: Canva

"We tried for a long time to give it shells hoping that it would trade the shell," he wrote. "Coconut octopus are famous for being very picky about which shells they keep so we had to try with many different shells before it found one to be acceptable."

If you think an octopus in a cup making a decision about shells doesn't sound riveting, just watch:

- YouTubeyoutu.be

The tentacles reaching out to test the weight of each shell, the divers searching for more options to offer it, the suspense of wondering whether the octopus really would abandon its pathetic plastic pollution protection...it's just too much.

Sigurdsson's other underwater videos are also fun to watch. He shared one of another veined octopus who seemed to have no interest in him but became intrigued with his diver friend, Gary. The way it reaches out to touch just the tip of his finger and then shyly retreats feels like such a clear communication with no words being said.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Octopuses are far more intelligent than anyone would have guessed before we started studying their behavior in earnest. They are known to solve puzzles, escape complicated mazes and traps, and take apart just about anything. It does make you wonder what these little guys were thinking when these divers were interacting with them. Was it curiosity? Judgment? An attempt at connection between species?

It's funny how one small interaction in one tiny portion of the vast ocean can say so much about us, for better and for worse. Human pollution is an enormous problem and saving one little octopus won't save the world, but it sure gives us hope and motivation to keep trying for the sake of the vast number of creatures that live in the ocean as well as our own.

You can find more underwater videos of ocean wildlife from Pall Sigurdsson on YouTube.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

From Your Site Articles
wildlife
Community

Kids in a Japanese town ditch Pokémon cards for trading cards with faces of local elderly men

The men are even given special abilities and attack powers.

Photo credit: Canva and screenshot from FNN

Most popular kids game in Japanese town is trading cards of elderly men

Trading cards have been around for quite some time. Before Pokémon cards existed, kids used to trade baseball, football, and even Garbage Pail Kids cards. Of course, trading cards like Pokémon added some extra flair to the game with each character having different strengths, abilities, and attack powers. It was like trading baseball cards but on some sort of preforming enhancing substance.

The game is still popular years after it came into existence with some cards going for hundreds of dollars. But a small town in Japan ditched the Pokémon cards for trading cards with elderly men in the neighborhood on them. On first glance it might sound like a strange thing to do, but it's actually quite clever.

old men, cards, trading cards, pokemon cards, card gameUncle trading cards. screenshot from FNN

Eri Miyahara, the Secretary General of the Saidosho Community Council in Kahara Town, Fukuoka, Japan noticed that the children don't have the same close relationships with elders in the community that previous generations did. Upon realizing how much children enjoyed playing Pokémon, she decided to try creating trading cards with the faces of middle-aged and elderly men from around the town on them. They call them "Uncle Trading Cards." In Japanese culture, it's a sign of respect and endearment to call elders uncle or aunt.

Naming it that way may have created a sense of respect towards the people on the cards before the kids even met them, because shortly after the cards were introduced, the game took on a life of it's own. When it was originally introduced by Miyahara, the "Uncles" didn't have any special powers as it was just supposed to be a way for the kids to get to know their community members. But, the kids quickly upped the ante by declaring their cards stronger than others.

uncle trading cards, japan, trading cards, japanese students, community More Uncle Trading Cards.screenshot from FNN

That's when the rules of the game officially changed to include attack powers, special strengths, and more in an effort to keep up with the way the kids were playing the game. They essentially took the "Uncles" and made them into real life Pokémon, but without the requirement of them getting sucked into a tiny red and white ball when the game was over. According to Miyahara, the game is having the desired effect on the entire community.

She tells Fuji News Network, "We wanted to strengthen the connection between the children and the older generations in the community. There are so many amazing people here. I thought it was such a shame that no one knew about them. Since the card game went viral, so many kids are starting to look up to these men as heroic figures.”

community members, elderly men, men, japanese culture, card came, trading cards, unclesUncle Trading Cards with stats, attack power, and more. screenshot from FNN

All of the cards are handmade, so lately it's been hard to keep them stocked since the game has gained massive popularity in the town. Not only did kids start volunteering at community activities and attending local events, but they've started to look at the "Uncles" as celebrities. The most popular card is All-Rounder Mr. Fujii, a 68 year old former prison officer who now does community volunteer work. Kids stop him to ask for his autograph, and he's still surprised by all the attention he gets.

“I was honestly shocked when they asked me to sign it, I never imagined I’d become a trading card, let alone have fans," Mr. Fujii tells Tokyo Weekender.

trading cards, uncle trading cards, uncles, japan, community outreachGotta catch 'em all. screenshot from FNN

Since the cards are made by hand, kids can only buy them from the community center. They come in packs of three and six and, just like Pokémon cards, there's a chance for someone to grab the coveted foil/shiny card. This prjoect might have been way outside of the box, but it's proving to be a fantastic means of building community.

From Your Site Articles
pokémon cards
Democracy

Millennial shares a spot-on theory about why his generation and Gen Zers are so burned out

They're not lazy, they're exhausted.

via Canva/Photos

A woman is feeling major burnout.

Freddie Smith is a popular TikToker and host of The Freddie Smith Podcast, where he talks a lot about income inequality and finance from a down-to-earth perspective. One of Freddie’s biggest topics of focus is how the younger generations, millennials and Gen Z specifically, have it a lot harder than their Gen X and baby boomer counterparts. Recently, he described why he believes the younger generations feel so burned out: They are spinning their wheels and not getting ahead because of the rising cost of living. This counters the boomer notion that young people are entitled and lazy.

“They're working 40 hours a week, but at the end of the month, they have nothing to show for it. So if you're not making any progress and you look back five years and go, damn, I made $300,000 in the last five years or I made $400,000 in the last five years and I have nothing,” Freddie says. “If, anything, I have $25,000 in debt, that's gonna create burnout cause you feel like you just put in 5 years of work and have nothing to show for it.”

@fmsmith319

Why Millennials and Gen Z are facing burnout

Freddie adds that the younger generation's inability to get ahead leaves them constantly strained. They are stuck in apartments and can’t grow their families, or if they do, they don’t have the same quality of life that they were raised with.

“It's the 30% increase in rent prices where people are spending 40% of their money on rent, you're still being taxed 20, 25, 30%. People just don't have any money,” Freddie adds. “People aren't having kids, and they're unable to start families. People are struggling financially, fighting financially, and suffering in relationships. This is all decline in living standards.”

stressed woman, stressed millennial, financial stress, burnout, gen z stress, young womanA young woman is stressed about her future.via Canva/Photos

Feddie’s numbers are backed up by research, and the biggest significant issue that younger generations face is the price of home ownership. Adjusted for inflation, in 1985, the average home cost $96,985 in today's money. However, the average price of a home today is a whopping $426,100. Rent is a little better, but still tough. The average rent in 1985 cost $1,031 in today’s dollars; in 2023, the average rent is $1,406.

In a video published in November 2024, Freddie did the opposite and shared five reasons baby boomers had it much easier than millennials and Gen Zers.

  1. You could buy a house for 30 to fifty thousand dollars
  2. Union jobs were more prevalent
  3. College actually worked
  4. Social Security was actually strong
  5. The invention of 401(k)s
@fmsmith319

Why Millennials and Gen Z have it harder today compared to boomers

“The boomers always come at us and say ‘Why are you saying it was easy I was living paycheck to paycheck. You don't realize how hard it was.’ Look at all the advantages you had and how hard it still was,” Freddie says. “Think about the kids today, they cannot buy a house, union jobs aren't available, college is completely out of whack. They're spending 80 grand to get a job for $50,000. It's backwards.”

Freddie makes a strong case for millennial and Gen Z burnout. Because, face it, there’s nothing more exhausting than grinding away at something and not moving an inch. At the same time, things only become harder. Rent goes up. A carton of eggs is $8; if you are fortunate to have money in a 401k, it no longer feels safe. “Humans are good at adapting,” Freddie concludes his video. “But there's a fine line between adapting and being taken advantage of. And I think we're being taken advantage of.”

From Your Site Articles
millennials
Trending Stories