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Please read this before you post another RIP on social media.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

grief, Facebook posts, RIP posts
via Pexels

A guide to grief in the modern world.

Grieving in the technology age is uncharted territory.

I’ll take you back to Saturday, June 9, 2012. At 8:20 a.m., my 36-year-old husband was pronounced dead at a hospital just outside Washington, D.C.

By 9:20 a.m., my cellphone would not stop ringing or text-alerting me long enough for me to make the necessary calls that I needed to make: people like immediate family, primary-care doctors to discuss death certificates and autopsies, funeral homes to discuss picking him up, and so on. Real things, important things, time-sensitive, urgent things.

At 9:47 a.m., while speaking to a police officer (because yes, when your spouse dies, you must be questioned by the police immediately), one call did make it through. I didn’t recognize the number. But in those moments, I knew I should break my normal rule and answer all calls. “He’s dead??? Oh my God. Who’s with you? Are you OK? Why am I reading this on Facebook? Taya, what the heck is going on?”

Facebook? I was confused. I hadn’t been on Facebook since the day before, so I certainly hadn’t taken the time in the last 90 minutes to peek at the site.

“I’ll call you back,” I screamed and hung up. I called my best friend and asked her to search for anything someone might have written and to contact them immediately and demand they delete it. I still hadn’t spoken to his best friend, or his godsister, or our godchild’s parents, or a million other people! Why would someone post it to Facebook SO FAST?

via Pexels

While I can in no way speak for the entire planet, I certainly feel qualified to propose some suggestions — or, dare I say, rules — for social media grieving.

How many RIPs have you seen floating through your social media stream over the last month? Probably a few. Death is a fate that we will each meet at some point. The Information Age has changed the ways in which we live and communicate daily, yet there are still large voids in universally accepted norms.

This next statement is something that is impossible to understand unless you’ve been through it:

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Yes, a hierarchy. It’s something people either don’t understand or understand but don’t want to think or talk about — yet we must.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Hierarchy is defined as:

  1. a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority, and
  2. an arrangement or classification of things according to relative importance or inclusiveness.

What does this mean as it relates to grief? Let me explain. When someone dies — whether suddenly or after a prolonged illness, via natural causes or an unnatural fate, a young person in their prime or an elderly person with more memories behind them than ahead — there is one universal truth : The ripples of people who are affected is vast and, at times, largely unknown to all other parties.

A death is always a gut punch with varying degrees of force and a reminder of our own mortality. Most people are moved to express their love for the deceased by showing their support to the family and friends left behind.

In the days before social media, these expressions came in the form of phone calls, voicemail messages, and floral deliveries.

If you were lucky enough to be in close proximity to the family of the newly deceased, there were visits that came wrapped with hugs and tears, and deliveries of food and beverages to feed all the weary souls.

Insert social media. All of those courtesies still occur, but there is a new layer of grief expression — the online tribute in the form of Facebook posts, Instagram photo collages, and short tweets.

What’s the problem with that? Shouldn’t people be allowed to express their love, care, concern, support, and prayers for the soul of the recently deceased and for their family?

Yes.

And no.

Why? Because there are no established “rules,” and people have adopted their own. This isn’t breaking news, and you’re not trying to scoop TMZ. Listen, I know you’re hurt. Guess what? Me too. I know you’re shocked. Guess what? Me too. Your social media is an extension of who you are. I get it. You “need” to express your pain, acknowledge your relationship with the deceased, and pray for the family.

Yes.

However...

Please give us a minute.

We are shocked.

We are heartbroken.

via Pexels

Give the immediate family or circle a little time to handle the immediate and time-sensitive “business” related to death. In the minutes and early hours after someone passes away, social media is most likely the last thing on their minds. And even if it does cross their mind, my earlier statement comes into play here.

There is a hierarchy of grief.

Please pause and consider your role and relationship to the newly deceased. Remember, hierarchy refers to your status and your relative importance to the deceased. I caution you to wait and then wait a little longer before posting anything. This may seem trivial, silly, and not worth talking about, but I promise you it isn’t.

If the person is married, let the spouse post first.

If the person is “young” and single, let the partner, parents, or siblings post first.

If the person is “old” and single, let the children post first.

If you can’t identify the family/inner circle of the person, you probably shouldn’t be posting at all.

Do you get where I’m going with this?

In theory, we should never compare grief levels, cast the grief-stricken survivors into roles, or use words like status and importance. But maybe we need to at this moment (and for the next few weeks and months).

The “RIP” posts started hitting my timeline about an hour after my husband’s death, and I certainly didn’t start them. This created a sense of confusion, fear, anxiety, panic, dread, and shock for the people who knew me, too. What’s wrong? Who are we praying for? Did something happen? Did someone pass? Why are there RIPs on your wall and I can’t reach you? Call me please! What’s going on?

That’s a small sample of messages on my voicemail and text inbox. I had to take a minute in the midst of it all to ask a friend to post a status to my Facebook page on my behalf.

Image via iStock.

Your love and expressions of support are appreciated and needed, but they can also be ill-timed and create unintended additional stress.

The person is no less dead and your sympathy no less heartfelt if your post, photo, or tweet is delayed by a few hours. Honestly, the first couple of hours are shocking, and many things are a blur. Most bereaved people will be able to truly appreciate your love, concern, prayers, and gestures after the first 24 hours.

I’ve learned this from the inside — twice within the last four years. And I assure you that if we each adopted a little patience and restraint in this area, we would help those who are in the darkest hours of their lives by not adding an unnecessary layer of stress.

A few extra hours could make all the difference.







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Innovation

Ontario teen says he'll live in 'modular home' invention for a year to prove it can end homelessness

He's already invented a wooden car.

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Photo credit: @ribalzebian on Instagram

Ribal Zebian is going to test a house he designed by living in it for a year.

Ribal Zebian, a student from the city of London in Ontario, Canada, already made headlines last year when he built an electric car out of wood and earned a $120,000 scholarship from it. Now, he's in the news again for something a little different. Concerned with homelessness in his hometown, Zebian got to work creating a different kind of affordable housing made from fiberglass material. In fact, he’s so confident in his idea that the 18-year-old plans on living in it for a year to test it out himself.

Currently an engineering student at Western University, Zebian was concerned by both the rising population of the unhoused in his community and the rising cost of housing overall. With that in mind, he conjured up a blueprint for a modular home that would help address both problems.

Zebian’s version of a modular home would be made of fiberglass panels and thermoplastic polyethylene terephthalate (PET) foam. He chose those materials because he believes they can make a sturdy dwelling in a short amount of time—specifically in just a single day.

“With fiberglass you can make extravagant molds, and you can replicate those,” Zebian told CTV News. “It can be duplicated. And for our roofing system, we’re not using the traditional truss method. We’re using actually an insulated core PET foam that supports the structure and structural integrity of the roof.”

Zebian also believes these homes don’t have to be purely utilitarian—they can also offer attractive design and customizable features to make them personal and appealing.

“Essentially, what I’m trying to do is bring a home to the public that could be built in one day, is affordable, and still carries some architecturally striking features,” he said to the London Free Press. “We don’t want to be bringing a house to Canadians that is just boxy and that not much thought was put into it.”

Beginning in May 2026, Zebian is putting his modular home prototype to the test by living inside of a unit for a full year with the hope of working out any and all kinks before approaching manufacturers.

“We want to see if we can make it through all four seasons- summer, winter, spring, and fall,” said Zebian. “But that’s not the only thing. When you live in something that long and use it, you can notice every single mistake and error, and you can optimize for the best experience.”

While Zebian knows that his modular homes aren't a long-term solution to either the homeless or housing crisis, he believes they could provide an inexpensive option to help people get the shelter they need until certain policies are reformed so the unhoused can find affordable permanent dwellings.

@hard.knock.gospel

What to buy for the homeless at the grocery store. 🛒 Most people get it wrong. After being there myself, these are the survival items that actually matter 💯 The 2nd to last one is about more than survival—it’s about DIGNITY. We are all one circumstance away from the same shoes 🙏 SAVE this for your next grocery run. 📌 IG@hardknockgospel Substack@ Outsiders_Anonymous #homelessness #helpingothers #kindness #payitforward #learnontiktok

Zebian’s proposal and experiment definitely inspires others to try to help, too. If you wish to lend a hand to the unhoused community in your area in the United States, but don’t know where to look, you can find a homeless shelter or charity near you through here. Whether it’s through volunteering or through a donation, you can help make a difference.

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Communications expert explains how a 5-minute self-tape can drastically improve speaking skills

Vinh Giang shares 3 simple steps for analyzing your speaking habits.

communication, public speaking, speaking skills, speaker, presentation
Photo credit: Canva

Analyzing a recording of yourself in three steps can help you be a better speaker.

Public speaking often tops people's lists of biggest fears, probably because they imagine it means giving a speech on stage in front of thousands of people. While it can mean that, public speaking can also mean giving a presentation in front of your coworkers, sharing your thoughts and opinions in a meeting, or even just telling a story to a small group of people. Public speaking is just communicating to an audience, and it's something most of us do more often than we might think.

It's also a skill we can improve, as communication expert Vinh Giang helps people do. Someone asked Giang what three tips he would give to become a "brilliant" public speaker, and he responded with super-specific advice.

"One of the most powerful things you can do is a process called 'record and review,'" he said in a YouTube video. "Simply record a 5-minute video of yourself. And you need to speak improvised. Don't look at it straightaway; you are too damn self-critical."

It's not the video itself, but how you review it the next day, that really matters.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Giang says you should review the video in three stages, each focused on a different element of speaking:

Step 1: Analyze how you sound

Turn the volume up, press play, then set your phone face down so you don't see yourself. "Just listen," Giang said. "Audit the auditory component of your voice, known as your 'vocal image.' What do you like about it? What don't you like about it?"

Step 2: Analyze how you look

Now do the opposite. Turn the volume all the way down, press play, and watch the video. "Just look at yourself," said Giang. "How's your body language? What are your facial expressions like? Do a visual audit of your visual image."

Step 3: Analyze what you say

Lastly, transcribe your video. Make sure you leave in all of the fillers like "um" and "uh" and "like." "Bring all your non-words and filler words to the forefront of your mind," Giang said. "That's robbing you of clarity every time you talk."

communication, public speaking, speaking skills, speaker, presentation Most of us can improve our speaking skills.Photo credit: Canva

Doing those three things allows you to see the specific places where your speaking skills have room for improvement. "You basically have a mirror in front of you," said Giang. Part of what makes it hard to improve as a speaker is that we can't see ourselves doing it, and we're so inside our own heads when we speak that we have trouble even hearing ourselves. In less than one minute, Giang offered an actionable, step-by-step way to overcome those problems.

According to comments on the video, people appreciated his clear, concise advice:

"Really good advice. At root he's talking about self-awareness: Being aware of what works and what doesn't work when speaking in public. The more you are self-aware, the more control you have, and the more control you have the more confident you become, which in turn means the more impact your speaking will have on others."

"Facial expressions can be a significant impediment. I was reviewing a knowledge transfer video call with a colleague that I recorded and realized my resting face is an angry face. I'm determined to make an effort to relax my scowl and smile more."

communication, public speaking, speaking skills, speaker, facial expressions Facial expressions make a difference in how an audience feels about your speaking.Photo credit: Canva

"Also if you do this with this video its all on point - listen no video, he sounds great, good vocal image watch no video, he looks great, good visual image captions have no filler, good use of every utterance good to know that he himself uses these teachings."

"Pretty solid advice. Most of the time we fail to perceive how we look in front of people. What we think and what people actually see are often vastly different. This not only solves that but also makes you practice for more clarity."

"Such a humbling experience to watch and listen to yourself, especially if public speaking is not your strength."

Most of us have some room for improvement in our speaking skills, so this advice is helpful for a wide range of people.

You can follow Vinh Giang on YouTube for more communication tips.

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Modern Families

Mom realizes she's been using the 'heavy' setting on her washer wrong for years—and fellow moms are shook

"Today years old when I realize why my blankets are sopping wet."

washer, washing machine setting, how to use washing machine, laundry, laundry tips
Image courtesy of @granolabarpan/Instagram (with permission)

Stay-at-home mom Catrina shares shock at learning what the 'heavy' setting on her washer means.

Knocking out loads of laundry is a feeling of accomplishment that is unmatched. Depending on what needs to be washed, washing machines offer a variety of settings for the ideal clean. But even the most seasoned laundry pros can admit that they don't fully understand how to use them properly.

One stay-at-home mom shared her funny and relatable washing machine mistake. Catrina (@granolabarpan) got the shock of a lifetime when she realized that she had been using the "heavy" setting on her washer wrong for years.

"POV: today years old when it clicks why my blankets are sopping wet!!! I thought HEAVY meant heavy items being washed," she wrote in the video's overlay.

"Heavy on my machine means heavily soiled," she went on to add in the comments. "I thought it meant the stuff I was putting in the machine was heavy in weight/pounds."

Some moms are also realizing this for the first time. "Ok.. so I am 66 years old learning this???!! I always thought that heavy meant weight also😂," one person commented. Another person wrote, "Well I was today years old when I learned what heavy meant too…😂"

Others expressed confusion with so many settings, and reminiscing on simpler times. "Wait a minute. 😂. I think I need to for once go and read the manual because I have been wondering about all of the options," another user wrote. And another chimed in, "I want my old $250 3 options hot/warm/cold on/off washer back. It didn’t die it rusted out but took 25yrs to do it. I had 5 kids, plus my ex in-laws living with me."

Washing machine settings, explained

Struggling to understand the settings on your washing machine? You're not alone.

"Knowing these settings helps avoid common laundry mistakes, such as using the heavy cycle for heavy fabric weight instead of heavy soil, which can lead to ineffective cleaning or damage over time," Vanessa Ruiz, a professional organizer at Sparkly Maid San Antonio, tells Upworthy.

These are five washing machine settings and how they work:

1. Normal/Regular Cycle
Ruiz explains that this is your typical setting for day-to-day loads such as t-shirts, jeans, sheets, and underwear.

"These laundry loads are typically washed in warm water and the setting is rinsed with medium spin speeds through agitation in order to properly clean moderately soiled garments," she says. "This cycle is safe enough to wash a variety of different fabric content with a somewhat dirty load."

2. Delicate/Gentle Cycle
Ruiz notes that the delicate cycle is created specifically for delicate fabrics—lingerie, silk, lace, or embellished clothing—that may become damaged in a normal or regular wash.

"This cycle will use moderate spin speeds through gentle agitation to thoroughly dry clean and not damage clothes too easily," says Ruiz. "This is the preferred cycle when laundry items that require extra care or are labeled 'delicate' or 'hand wash' need to be washed."

3. Heavy Duty Cycle
The heavy duty cycle is specifically for heavily soiled items like work clothes, kitchen towels, and bedding.

"This setting uses higher water temperatures, longer wash times, and powerful agitation to remove stubborn dirt and grime. It’s perfect for those tough laundry jobs, but not recommended for delicate fabrics," explains Ruiz.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

4. Bulky/Bedding Cycle
This cycle is often confused with "heavy."

"This cycle accommodates larger, heavier items that absorb a lot of water, such as comforters, pillows, and sleeping bags," says Ruiz. "It uses more water, medium spin speeds, and longer wash times to thoroughly clean bulky items without causing damage or imbalance."

5. Quick Wash
In a rush? This is the perfect setting to use.

"It is an accelerated wash cycle designed for small loads of lightly soiled clothes, usually lasting 15 to 40 minutes," says Ruiz. "It’s great for when you need clean clothes fast and can save energy compared to longer cycles."

This article originally appeared last year.

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Justice

Ex-convict buys North Carolina prison and turns it into housing for other former inmates

It could solve one of the biggest challenges facing people who have served time.

second chance, prison, ex-convict, jobs, feel good story
Photo credit: Canva

Kerwin Pittman wants to give ex-convicts like him a better chance at a new life.

When Kerwin Pittman was 18 years old, he was convicted and served 11 years and six months in prison for conspiracy to commit murder. Now, eight years after his release, he returns to another prison, not to serve time, but to offer hope for other former inmates. Pittman purchased an abandoned correctional facility to create a campus that helps former inmates transition back into life outside prison.

Since his release, Pittman has founded and serves as the executive director of Recidivism Reduction Educational Program Services, Inc. (RREPS), a nonprofit organization committed to helping incarcerated people reintegrate into society after completing their sentences. Through a series of donations and grants, Pittman was able to purchase the former Wayne Correctional Center in Goldsboro, North Carolina. He is believed to be the first formerly incarcerated person in the United States to have purchased a prison.

- YouTube youtu.be

Pittman aims to transform the 400-bed correctional facility into a campus where former inmates in his program can live for six months while earning certifications in trades such as electrical work, plumbing, HVAC, and construction. Pittman's formation of RREPS and purchase of the abandoned prison were inspired by seeing too many former cellmates return to prison because of the stigma attached to incarceration.

"I had family support, so I had housing. But a lot of my friends didn't have any place to go. Or if they did, there was a time limit on how long they could stay," Pittman told NC Newsline. "The campus would be like a stabilization phase for guys coming out of jail or prison, to give them a six-month pause so they can get their life back on track."

@kerwin.pittman.activist

It’s A Blessing To Be A Blessing ~ over 250 plus lives touched, 100 plus records cleared, and countless new beginnings sparked. RREPS Wake County Expungement Clinic reminded us what it truly means to serve with purpose. Throughout the day, well over 200 people showed up, each one ready to take a step toward a fresh start. By the end, over 120 plus people had dismissed charges and convictions cleared from their records, giving them a real chance at new opportunities. We also helped folks obtain birth certificates, Social Security cards, and IDs, while connecting them to housing, jobs, food, and more! Heartfelt thanks to all the attorneys and law students who volunteered their time and expertise, and to our incredible partners: SouthLight, North Carolina Empowerment Organization, The Black Coalition of Forensic Peer Support Specialists, Wake LRC, Affluent Logistics and Transportation and Healing Transitions for standing alongside us in this work. Photos by:Glenn Alan #RREPS #ExpungementClinic #ReentryMatters #viral #fyp

Once the prison has been refurbished and looks less like a correctional facility, Pittman plans to have up to 300 residents live on the campus during a six-month training program designed to help them acclimate to life outside prison, learn a trade, and prepare to live and work independently. After that six-month period, a new group of 300 former inmates will be granted the same opportunity, and the cycle will continue.

"Normally, people will go to a halfway house or a reentry house, and those individuals will have to go outside for services," retired correctional officer Mario Davis told WITN. "But what he's done here is bringing formerly incarcerated people in, so they don't have to go out to get services."

In the U.S., a combination of stigma and lack of education makes it difficult for many former prisoners to find jobs. This often leaves former inmates desperate and unhoused, forcing some to return to crime to make ends meet or, in some cases, to be incarcerated again. For many, it's better to be in prison than to be homeless. By offering both shelter and what is essentially a trade school, Pittman can give former prisoners the chance not only to find jobs through trade certification, but also to work for themselves as independent contractors.

@brentcassity

The Shocking Truth About Recidivism: Employment as the Key Recidivism rates are alarmingly high, with 77% of former inmates returning to prison within a year due to joblessness. Richard Bronson on the NIghtmare Success Podcast explores how securing stable employment can drastically change lives and reduce reoffending—revealing the true silver bullet for lasting change. #Recidivism #EmploymentMatters #nightmaresuccess #JobOpportunities #PrisonReform #ReentrySuccess #SecondChances #SocialImpact #ReduceRecidivism #prison #resilience #fyp

"For me to be a beacon of light in somebody's life when they're in a dark place, I know how it feels," said Pittman. "I remember when I was in that dark place of having to transition and not knowing what the possibility of my life could become, so to be able to guide somebody into that next step is extremely important, and I'm grateful to be able to do it."

If Pittman's mission inspires you to support people who have served their time and are seeking a second chance, there are resources available to donate your time, skills, or money.

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Pop Culture

In a 1973 special, Paul McCartney showed off his amazing fingerpicking in an acoustic medley

Is there anything prettier than "Blackbird"?

paul mccartney, mccartney acoustic, wings, linda mccartney, mccartney tv special, blackbird mccartney
via Angel Carmona/YouTube

Paul McCartney performing on the "James Paul McCartney" special.

In the aftermath of The Beatles' earth-shattering 1970 breakup, each member of the Fab 4 started solo careers in their own lane. John Lennon chose self-reflective, stripped-down songs about vulnerability and his love for Yoko Ono. George Harrison released the epic triple album All Things Must Pass, steeped in spirituality and warnings against the dark forces in life. Ringo Starr leveraged his affable personality by recording pop standards and country songs to surprising success.

Much was expected of Paul McCartney as a solo artist, but his early work, drawn heavily from his new life in the Scottish countryside with his wife, Linda, was often dismissed as superficial compared with that of his former bandmates, Lennon and Harrison. It also didn't help that, after the breakup, McCartney bore the brunt of the criticism for the band's demise because he was the first to go public with the news.


In 1973, he was given a TV special that aired in the U.S. and the UK, allowing him to showcase his full range of talents as an entertainer. The special featured a Busby Berkeley–style musical number, a segment introducing his new band, Wings, and a performance of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in a bucolic country setting.

Critical reception to the James Paul McCartney TV special

Unfortunately, McCartney's special did little to change critics' minds. "McCartney has always had an eye and ear for full-blown romanticism, and nothing wrong with that, but here he too often lets it get out of hand, and it becomes over-blown and silly," Melody Maker wrote.

Nestled within the spectacle was a quiet acoustic performance in which McCartney played four songs from his Beatles and solo careers: "Blackbird," "Bluebird," "Michelle," and "Heart of the Country," showcasing his angelic voice and remarkable fingerpicking. He is also joined by his wife, Linda (a famous photographer), who sings a lovely harmony with him while she takes photos. The simple medley is a wonderful example of McCartney's musical skill, blending his past and present. It's also worth noting that in most of The Beatles' public performances, McCartney played bass guitar or piano. Here, he shows that he was a virtuoso on the acoustic guitar as well.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

McCartney's big comeback

History would prove McCartney's early critics wrong. Later that year, he released "Live and Let Die," the theme for the James Bond film of the same name, which became an international hit. By the end of the year, Wings released their third album, Band on the Run, which became McCartney's biggest-selling post-Beatles album and featured massive hits such as the title track, "Jet," and "Let Me Roll It."

McCartney and Wings would go on to have tremendous success throughout the decade, both on the charts and with audiences, including a 1975-76 tour that played 66 shows worldwide.


Over the years, critics would reevaluate McCartney's early releases, especially McCartney (1970) and Ram (1971).

"What's interesting to me is that Ram has now come to be heralded as a masterpiece, with younger generations recognizing its loose performances and off-handed charm as its own form of brilliance," Pop Matters notes.

James Paul McCartney was never released on home video, but was issued on DVD as part of the Red Rose Speedway super deluxe boxed set in 2018.

You can watch the entire special below:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

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