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People share helpful tips for keeping kids safe after U.K. abduction attempt caught on tape

People share helpful tips for keeping kids safe after U.K. abduction attempt caught on tape
Photo by David Clarke on Unsplash

Most of us like to pretend we live in a world where kidnappings only happen in the movies, but a video of an attempted abduction and alleged sexual assault of a school girl in the U.K. reminds us that it can and does happen in real life. The woman who thwarted the attempt has been praised for noticing something amiss and having the courage to confront the would-be kidnapper. Though abductions by strangers is rare, attacks and assaults do happen, and it's important that people know some ways to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe.

A Reddit thread discussing the U.K. incident contains helpful tips for doing just that. There are some standard self-defense preparations, such as carrying pepper spray or taking self-defense classes. But there are other less obvious things you can do to lessen the chances of abduction or attack.

One tip is to have a password for anyone who is sent to pick up your kids. Kids should know never to go with a stranger, but if there were ever a situation where someone they don't know or don't know well told them they needed to go with them because there was an emergency, kids need to be prepared for how to handle it.


"Create a password with your kids. Tell them that if someone comes to pick them up or tries to make them accompany them, this person must know the 'password.' If they don't, don't go with them. Change the password every time one has been used.

Example: growing up, we had a password: 'Pinocchio.' My siblings and I always got home from school about 40 minutes earlier than my parents did from work and so, we were home alone for this amount of time.

It was almost summer so for the 40 minutes, we played in the backyard of our house. Our neighbour, an elderly man who was always so nice to us and we had known for him years now, told my younger sister that my mom had called and asked if he could 'feed us a snack' as she was running late. He was trying to get her to come inside and help him grab some sandwiches. She asked him the password and he was confused. She kept persisting and he eventually said something along the lines of, 'oh yeah, your mom told me it but I can't remember. I'm so old!' But my sister still refused.

Eventually he gave up and my mom came home on time. We told her what had happened and she marched over there basically asking him 'wtf.' He said my sister got mixed up, he was simply asking us if we wanted a snack—never admitting to saying she had apparently called him and leaving out the fact that he was trying no to get her inside.

About 6 months later, he was arrested for possession of child pornography, including old photos of his own kids when they were young and some shots of other neighbourhood kids that appeared to have been taken from a window.

We truly think this password system saved my sister from being another victim of his."

It's important to trust our intuition and teach our children to do the same. If something doesn't feel right, there's a chance something isn't right, and we should honor that gut feeling. Teach kids to talk to a trusted adult if something feels off, and to leave situations in which they feel uncomfortable.

Along similar lines, having a code phrase for kids to use when they call or text you from a friend's or relative's house can help them get out of uncomfortable situations where they might not have the power to just leave. Another Reddit user shared a helpful tip for sleepovers:

"When your child is at a sleepover, give them a special phrase. One that they can say over the phone or through text that will alert you to come pick them up immediately, no questions asked. Ours is something silly like 'How's grandma's dog?' I'll reply something along the lines of 'not good. I'm on my way.' Then I call the parent hosting the sleepover, let him/her know that there's a situation with my family and I need my daughter to gather her things so I can pick her up. I usually wait to make the call until about ten minutes before I get there to avoid her awkwardly sitting around having to be grilled by the parents. My daughter has proof on her phone that she didn't call to go home (even though she did) and she avoids having to explain she wants to leave. And she isn't required to tell me why she wanted to come home. I will definitely ask her and offer comfort, but I don't force her to talk about it until she is ready."

Another parent said they did something similar.

"We used the password situation the other way too—it was a way for my daughter to call us from say a party, date or whatever that she wanted to leave but couldn't say out loud. This has gotten easier with texting but there are still times it helps.

Our code word was muffin bc it was a word that could be easily used either way. She called us from a sleep over that she didn't want to be at anymore and said she'd like muffins for breakfast. I immediately called the mom of the girl hosting and said we had a family emergency so I needed to pick her up. Worked like a charm. Turns out the girls 16 year old brother was being skeevy and offering the girls booze and weed, and asking "how far they had gone" ... the girls were 11 and 12."

One Reddit user shared a story of what a young relative did when she suspected a car was following her:

"My aunt's daughter was just in her car driving to her mom's house... a few days ago. She was getting off main roads and into developments and felt like this car was following her. She called her mom, who told her to start making weird turns and not come home. She did... the guy followed. Her mom called the cops and they were all there waiting when she pulled up. They couldn't arrest the man, he claimed he was looking at the leaves changing.

He was just arrested for attempting to abduct another woman at knifepoint. Two good samaritans saved her and held him down.

Trust your gut."

A couple of people added tips for physically fending off an attacker, even if you don't have specific self-defense training:

"Another good tip is to have them actually physically practice what to do if someone snatches them...dead weight, back on the ground, kick like hell, scream stranger! Dr. Phil had a guy on who described the technique as chiwawa [sic] crazy—flip out and cause a scene. And actually physically practice to help them not freeze in the moment," wrote one user.

"Also this!" added another. "My dad, now an ex-cop, made us practice about once a month. It's seems a bit much but honestly, I became pretty confident in my skills and was even able to remember one of those moves years later when I was 23 and someone tried to snatch my purse in a mall parking lot!"

KidsHealth.org offers other child-specific tips for keeping your kids safe in public, and Brown University offers a helpful list of ways for anyone to protect themselves from potential danger.

Though we all hope we'll never been faced with a situation like the one we saw in the U.K., it's good to be prepared for anything and always better to be safe than sorry.

via Visit Sweden (used with permission)

A Swedish woman taking things into her own hands.

True

Sweden has existed for over 1,000 years, but travelers across the globe are confused because other places, inspired by the country’s untouched beauty and joyously inclusive culture, have taken its name.

Seven other places in the world call themselves Sweden, so to distinguish itself from the name-alikes, the Kingdom of Sweden is taking a bold, historic step that no country has before. It’s become the first to apply to trademark its name with the European Union Intellectual Property Office.

Visit Sweden likens the country’s problem to a luxury brand that has to contend with dupes, knockoffs, or bootlegs that fall short of the glory of the genuine article.


“It’s flattering that other places want to be called Sweden, but let’s be honest, there should only be one. Our Sweden. The one with the Northern Lights, endless forests, and the world’s best flat-pack furniture,” says Susanne Andersson, CEO at Visit Sweden.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

By trademarking its name, Sweden will make things much less confusing for travelers worldwide. It’d be a shame for someone looking to visit Sweden’s majestic Lapland to mistakenly wind up in a place with no reindeer, Aurora Borealis, or cloudberries to be found.

The world-class research team at Visit Sweden knew it had to act when it realized that other destinations with the same name had tripped up travelers. People looking to vacation in Portland, Oregon, have accidentally wound up in Portland, Maine. Travelers yearning to experience the fall in Manchester, New Hampshire, have been deplaning in Manchester, England. “It happens more than you think!” the researchers admitted.


sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation The Northern Lights in Sweden. via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Jann Lipka/imagebank.sweden.se

The E.U. Intellectual Property Office must act swiftly and allow Sweden to trademark its name so that travelers worldwide don’t miss the opportunity to experience an utterly unique country known for its serene landscapes, commitment to deep relaxation and personal freedom.

No one should ever miss out on staying on one of Sweden’s 267,570 islands, more than any other country. The Swedish archipelagos offer luxurious glamping, peaceful hikes, tranquil solitude and awe-inspiring, pristine nature.

sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation A woman camping in the Swedish archipelago.via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Anders Klapp/imagebank.sweden.se


Sweden is a beautiful place to visit all year round, with bright summers, colorful falls, vibrant springs and dark, crisp winters. It is also a place to delight your tastebuds with a cuisine centered on healthy, locally sourced produce, with some preparation methods dating back to the Viking era.

The original Sweden is a place where one can relish Old World European history while also enjoying the modern pleasures of the most progressive countries in the world. Travelers can be whisked back into history by visiting the Naval Port of Karlskona, a well-preserved European naval town from 1680. Or, enjoy cutting-edge design, delicacies, art, music and culture in hip metropolitan destinations such as Stockholm or Sweden’s “coolest city,” Gothenburg.

Did we mention Sweden has an ABBA museum? Wait till the other 7 Swedens find out about that.

As you can see, Sweden is an incredibly unique destination that cannot be duplicated. It would be a tragedy for anyone intending to visit the original Sweden to mistakenly find themselves in a name-alike place that lacks its Scandinavian charm. You can do your part to stop the confusion by signing a petition to let Sweden trademark Sweden at Visit Sweden (the original).

sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation A Swedish Midsommar celebration. via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Stefan Berg/Folio/imagebank.sweden.se

Our home, from space.

Sixty-one years ago, Yuri Gagarin became the first human to make it into space and probably the first to experience what scientists now call the "overview effect." This change occurs when people see the world from far above and notice that it’s a place where “borders are invisible, where racial, religious and economic strife are nowhere to be seen.”

The overview effect makes man’s squabbles with one another seem incredibly petty and presents the planet as it truly is, one interconnected organism.

In a compelling interview with Big Think, astronaut, author and humanitarian Ron Garan explains how if more of us developed this planetary perspective we could fix much of what ails humanity and the planet.

Garan has spent 178 days in space and traveled more than 71 million miles in 2,842 orbits. From high above, he realized that the planet is a lot more fragile than he thought.

“When I looked out the window of the International Space Station, I saw the paparazzi-like flashes of lightning storms, I saw dancing curtains of auroras that seemed so close it was as if we could reach out and touch them. And I saw the unbelievable thinness of our planet's atmosphere. In that moment, I was hit with the sobering realization that that paper-thin layer keeps every living thing on our planet alive,” Garan said in the video.

“I saw an iridescent biosphere teeming with life,” he continues. “I didn't see the economy. But since our human-made systems treat everything, including the very life-support systems of our planet, as the wholly owned subsidiary of the global economy, it's obvious from the vantage point of space that we're living a lie.”

It was at that moment he realized that humanity needs to reevaluate its priorities.

“We need to move from thinking economy, society, planet to planet, society, economy. That's when we're going to continue our evolutionary process,” he added.

Garan says that we are paying a very “high price” as a civilization for our inability to develop a more planetary perspective and that it’s a big reason why we’re failing to solve many of our problems. Even though our economic activity may improve quality of life on one end, it’s also disasterous for the planet that sustains our lives.

It’s like cutting off our nose to spite our face.

Actor William Shatner had a similar experience to Garan's when he traveled into space.

"It was among the strongest feelings of grief I have ever encountered," Shatner wrote. "The contrast between the vicious coldness of space and the warm nurturing of Earth below filled me with overwhelming sadness. Every day, we are confronted with the knowledge of further destruction of Earth at our hands: the extinction of animal species, of flora and fauna … things that took five billion years to evolve, and suddenly we will never see them again because of the interference of mankind."

“We're not going to have peace on Earth until we recognize the basic fact of the interrelated structure of all reality,” Garan said.

However dire the situation looks from the surface of Earth, the astronaut has hope that we can collectively evolve in consciousness and wake up and embrace a larger reality. “And when we can evolve beyond a two-dimensional us versus them mindset, and embrace the true multi-dimensional reality of the universe that we live in, that's when we're going to no longer be floating in darkness … and it's a future that we would all want to be a part of. That's our true calling.”


This article originally appeared two years ago.

Sponsored

How can riding a bike help beat cancer? Just ask Reid Moritz, 10-year-old survivor and leader of his own “wolfpack”

Every year, Reid and his pack participate in Cycle for Survival to help raise money for the rare cancer research that’s helped him and so many others. You can too.

all photos courtesy of Reid Moritz

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research

True

There are many things that ten-year-old Reid Wolf Moritz loves. His family, making watches (yes, really), basketball, cars (especially Ferraris), collecting super, ultra-rare Pokémon cards…and putting the pedal to the medal at Cycle for Survival.

Cycle for Survival is the official rare cancer fundraising program of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (MSK). One hundred percent of every dollar raised at Cycle for Survival events supports rare cancer research and lifesaving clinical trials at MSK.

At only two years old, Reid was diagnosed with pilocytic astrocytoma, a rare type of brain tumor.

Pediatric cancer research is severely underfunded. When standard treatments don't work, families rely on breakthrough clinical trials to give their children a real shot at long-term survival.

When Reid’s chemotherapy and brain surgery didn’t work, he was able to participate in one of MSK’s clinical trials, where he’s received some incredible results. “Memorial Sloan Kettering has done so much for me. It's just so nice how they did all this for me. They're just the best hospital ever,” Reid recalls.

And that’s why every year, you’ll find Reid with his team, aptly named Reid's Wolfpack, riding at Cycle for Survival. It’s just Reid’s way of paying it forward so that even more kids can have similar opportunities.

“I love sharing my story to inspire other kids to PERSEVERE, STAY STRONG and NEVER GIVE UP while also raising money for my amazing doctors and researchers to help other kids like me.”

Reid remembers the joy felt bouncing on his father’s shoulder and hearing the crowd cheer during his first Cycle for Survival ride. As he can attest, each fundraising event feels more like a party, with plenty of dancing, singing and celebrating.

Hoping to spread more of that positivity, Reid and his family started the Cycle for Survival team, Reid’s Wolfpack, which has raised close to $750,000 over the past eight years. All that money goes directly to Reid’s Neuro-Oncology team at Memorial Sloan Kettering.

In addition to cheering on participants and raising good vibes at Cycle for Survival events, Reid even designs some pretty epic looking merch—like basketball shorts, jerseys, and hoodies—to help raise money.

If you’re looking to help kids just like Reid, and have a ton of fun doing it, you’re in luck. Cycle for Survival events are held at Equinox locations nationwide, and welcome experienced riders and complete newbies alike. You can even join Reid and his Wolfpack in select cities!

And if cycling in any form isn’t your thing, a little donation really does go a long way.

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research. Find out more information by checking out cycleforsurvival.org or filling out this interest form.

Carl Sagan's keynote address at the 5th Emerging Issues Forum at NCSU.

Carl Sagan, the legendary astrophysicist and science communicator, was best known for his incredible ability to express complicated concepts in a way that the everyday person could understand. He did so most notably as host of PBS’s groundbreaking “Cosmos: A Personal Voyage" from 1980 to 1981.

Sagan was also a brilliant futurist who was way ahead of his time. In 1961, he predicted that the clouds of Venus might be home to life, an idea that has gained traction over the past few years. He also predicted many of America's current problems in 1995 and correctly claimed that one day AI would be used for psychotherapy back in the '70s.

He was also ahead of his time when sounding the alarm about Climate Change, evidenced by a 1990 speech he gave at the 5th Emerging Issues Forum. In the keynote address, he said that America should treat the climate crisis as seriously as it did the Cold War. Sagan’s speech was delivered a year after the fall of the Berlin Wall, which concluded the icy, 5-decade conflict between the U.S. and the Soviet Union.

For some context, in 1990, only 30% of Americans were worried about global warming or the greenhouse effect. Today, 54% describe climate change as a “major threat” to the country’s well-being.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

“The amount of money that the United States has spent on the Cold War since 1945 is approximately 10 trillion dollars,” Sagan says, adding that with that amount of money, one could own everything in the country, minus the land.

“How certain was it that the Russians were going to invade? Was it 100% certain? Guess not since they never invaded. What if it was only, let’s say 10% certain? What would advocates of big military buildup have said? We must be prudent. It’s not enough to count on only the most likely circumstance," Sagan continues.

“I ask my friends who are comfortable with that argument, including the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal, why doesn’t that same argument apply to Global Warming? You don’t think it’s 100% likely? Fine. You are entitled to think that. If it’s only a small probability of it happening since the consequences are so serious, don’t you have to make some serious investment to prevent it or mitigate it? I think there’s a double standard of argument working and I don’t think we should permit it.”



Sagan would then list the steps we can take to mitigate the effects of climate change, including eliminating CFCs (chlorofluorocarbons), increasing fuel efficiency in cars and trucks, seeking out new alternative energy sources, dealing with the global population crisis and planting trees. "A tree is an engine for taking carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and it does it. It’s not the only thing a tree does, but that is one of the things that trees are good for and it's especially relevant to this issue,” Sagan says.

Sagan’s solutions are the same ones we discuss today, although fears of a global population crisis have waned over the years.

Sagan concluded his address by comparing the dangers of global warming to those faced by the U.S. during the Cold War and making an argument that many support today: fighting climate change is also good economic policy.

"So, what I say to those who complain that it is too uncertain–beyond pointing out the standards that were applied to the Cold War ought to be applied here–I say look, every one of these steps makes good sense, makes good economic sense,” Sagan says. “And think of all of the industries that are implied by what I have just said, especially alternative energy sources. There is money to be made in developing a technology which will appropriately address greenhouse warming."

You can watch the entire address here:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Photo by Maxim Hopman on Unsplash

The Sam Vimes "Boots" Theory of Socioeconomic Unfairness explains one way the rich get richer.

Any time conversations about wealth and poverty come up, people inevitably start talking about boots. The standard phrase that comes up is "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," which is usually shorthand for "work harder and don't ask for or expect help." (The fact that the phrase was originally used sarcastically because pulling oneself up by one's bootstraps is literally, physically impossible is rarely acknowledged, but c'est la vie.)

The idea that people who build wealth do so because they individually work harder than poor people is baked into the American consciousness and wrapped up in the ideal of the American dream. A different take on boots and building wealth, however, paints a more accurate picture of what it takes to get out of poverty.

Author Terry Pratchett is no longer with us, but his writing lives on and is occasionally shared on his official social media accounts. Recently, his Twitter page shared the "Sam Vimes 'Boots' Theory of Socioeconomic Unfairness" from Pratchett's 1993 book "Men At Arms." This boots theory explains that one reason the rich are able to get richer is because they are able to spend less money.

If that sounds confusing, read on:

Pratchett wrote:

"The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that’d still be keeping his feet dry in ten years’ time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet."

In other words, people who have the money to spend a little more upfront often end up spending less in the long run. A $50 pair of boots that last five years essentially cost you $10 a year. But if you can only afford $10 upfront for a pair of boots that last six months, that's what you buy—and you end up paying twice as much over a five-year period.

There are so many areas in which this principle applies when you're poor. Buying in bulk saves you money over the long run, but you have to be able to afford the bulk cost up front. A reliable car that doesn't require regular repairs will cost more than a beater, but if the beater is all you can afford, that's what you're stuck with. You'll likely spend the same or more over time than if you'd bought a newer/higher quality car, but without the capital (or the credit rating) to begin with, you don't have much choice.

People who can afford larger down payments pay lower interest rates, saving them money both immediately and in the long run. People who can afford to buy more can spend more with credit cards, pay off the balances, build up good credit and qualify for lower interest rate loans.

There are lots of good financial decisions and strategies one can utilize if one has the ability to build up some cash. But if you are living paycheck to paycheck, you can't.

Climbing the financial ladder requires getting to the bottom rung first. Those who started off anywhere on the ladder can make all kinds of pronouncements about how to climb it—good, sound advice that really does work if you're already on the ladder. But for people living in poverty, the bottom rung is just out of reach, and the walls you have to climb to get to it are slippery. It's expensive to be poor.

When people talk about how hard it is to climb out of poverty, this is a big part of what they mean. Ladder-climbing advice is useless if you can't actually get to the ladder. And yet, far too many people decry offering people assistance that might help them reach the ladder so they can start taking advantage of all that great financial advice. Why? Perhaps because they were born somewhere on the ladder—even if it was the bottom rung—and aren't aware that there are people for whom the ladder is out of reach. Or perhaps they're unaware of how expensive it is to be poor and how the costs of poverty keep people stuck in the pit. Hopefully, this theory will help more people understand and sympathize with the reality of being poor.

Money makes money, but having money also saves you money. The more money you have, the more wealth you're able to build not only because you have extra money to save, but also because you buy higher quality things that last, therefore spending less in the long run. (There's also the reality that the uber-wealthy will pay $5,000 for shoes they'll only wear a few times, but that's a whole other kind of boots story.)

Thanks, Terry Pratchett, for the simple explanation.


This story originally appeared two years ago.

Pop Culture

J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings was inspired by the secret meaning he found in Beowulf

His unique perspective of the story's true meaning not only lead to the creation of his own masterpiece, but the way we all understand Beowulf today.

Fantasticfiction.com/Wikipedia, Wikipedia

A classic inspired by another classic.

J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of The Rings trilogy remains a source of inspiration for virtually every fantasy writer out there. But not many know the works that Tolkien himself drew inspiration from. Sure, we know his passion for linguistics played a major role.

And it’s common knowledge that he infused his childhood memories, as well as his experience as a WWI soldier. Maybe the most hardcore fans are aware of the nods to Norse mythology in his books. But by and large, the ancient literature that helped build Middle Earth remains hidden knowledge.

As X user @RewiretheWest recently reminded us of, one classic tale of heroism, chivalry and defeating monsters inspired Tolkien more than any other.

In the now-viral tweet, @RewiretheWest explains that Tolkien studied the epic poem Beowulf for 25 years, primarily because he was “convinced it had a hidden meaning.”

For those who need a quick recap on the story: Beowulf gets word that Danes are being slaughtered by a “shadow walker” named Grendel who “despises the sound of joy.” So he travels across the sea, mortally wounds Grendel, then has to go into a cave to vanquish Grendel’s mother (a “battle with packed w/ sexual & religious symbolism ensues,” @RewiretheWest quips). Fifty years later, a dragon emerges. Beowulf, now a King but well past his prime, once again slays the beast, but dies in the process. His loss is mourned by the people who “dread what will happen without his leadership.” Fin.



While Beowulf was mostly only studied for “historical and linguistic value,” Tolkien argued that the monsters in this epic poem revealed its more “profound” metaphors.

Quoting Tolkien’s famous 1936 lecture on the subject, @RewiretheWest writes, “The monsters are symbols of the inevitable hostility of the world itself to mortal men…they do not only bring physical ruin but spiritual despair,” and “Beowulf is not a hero because he wins but because he fights, even when he knows the battle will bring his doom. His death is the crown of his life.”


In other words, Beowulf is a hero for facing the darkness in spite of the odds, and for sacrificing himself to fight for good. With this theme in mind, it’s easy to see how it influenced a story about a little Hobbit who traveled all the way to Mordor to cast an evil ring into the fire whence it came.

It’s worth noting—Tolkien not only used Beowulf’s values in LOTR, but also many stylistic elements.

For example, he incorporated the use of alliteration (i.e. connection a group of words with the repetition of the same letter of sound) in family names, as with the badass shield maiden of Rohan, Éowyn, and her father Éomund and brother Éomer. In Beowulf we have the brothers Hrothgar and Heorogar.

In fact, much of the poetry Tolkien used was alliterative verse, just like with Beowulf. You can see it plainly with ““From Dark Dunharrow in the Dim Morning” featured in Return of the King.

There are also a TON of refurbished Old English words that originate in in Beowulf, as with Ents, which was thought to have some connection with large things, and orcs, which denote something possibly demonic and/or associated with “a cunning mind.”

And with that, we have two major takeaways:

One—even the most innovative, forward thinking creators glean their ideas from other creators. Obviously plagiarism is something to avoid, but no new idea is truly a product of immaculate conception. So never undermine your own creation by telling yourself “what’s the point? It’s already been done before.”

And two—classic stories remain timeless because they contain bits of wisdom that continue to serve humanity. As @RewiretheWest put it, “Beowulf was written 1,000 years ago. Yet through Tolkien, it continues to inspire millions. It proves that the values of adventure, honor, heroism, and sacrifice are truly timeless. They’re what make for the best stories — in literature, in film, and in your own life.”

So go forth, read a lot (especially the old stuff), and breathe new life into their messages in whatever way you see fit.

Family

Forget "How's school going?" Try these questions instead to get shy teens talking.

If talking to your young relatives feels like pulling teeth, here are some questions that can help them open up.

Teens might seem uncomfortable at first, but you can help make them feel at ease.

Have you ever seen someone who seems to have a knack for talking with teens and wondered what their secret was? Sometimes it seems like getting young people to offer anything other than monosyllabic answers to questions is like pulling teeth. Maybe they're shy or self-conscious, or maybe the questions adults tend to ask aren't very effective at getting them to open up, but when you're gathering with family for the holidays and want to spend time getting to know your teenage relatives, it can be tough when the conversation feels awkward or forced.

Shyness is real and self-consciousness often comes with adolescence, so there's not a whole lot we can do about those things, but there are ways to engage young people that are more likely to result in a real conversation. When our "How's school going?" gets a "fine" or a "good," we know we need some better questions, but it's not always easy to think of those on the spot.

That's where some helpful guidance from Raising Teens Today comes in super handy.

woman talking with a teenMost teens actually like to talk if you ask the right questions.Photo credit: Canva

"Let me clue you in on a little secret... teenagers LOVE to talk," writes Nancy Reynolds, the mom behind the Raising Teens Today website. "Sounds crazy, right? I promise, you can get the quietest teen on the planet chatting simply by asking them questions that make them feel comfortable and want to share their world with you."

First, she offers some points to keep in mind as you chat with teens specifically:

- Steer clear of subjects that can put them on the defensive or make them feel awkward or inferior, including their grades, changing bodies, or whether they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, for instance.

- Keep it light. Don't get into heavy subjects. Teens have a lot on their shoulders already. Laugh a little. Have fun.

- Ask questions that will get them talking. Ask about their friends, things they love doing, books or sports or hobbies they love, their passions or dreams.

- Don't ask "loaded" questions such as, "You ARE going to college, right?'" Or, "Do you EVER look up from your phone?" Nothing will make a teenager clam up faster.

- Teenagers are young adults. Treat them as such. Show respect.

- Just be authentic. Teens can spot a fake from afar. If you're genuinely interested in their life and they sense you truly care, they'll open their heart... and when they do, it's such a gift.

The mom of three teens also gave some suggestions for what to ask in place of the standard questions we tend to use. An "ask this, not that" of talking to young people.

These questions go beyond the standard ones adults often ask or provide a twist on the classics that put young people at ease:

"What's the most interesting thing you've learned this year?"

"What do you enjoy doing with your friends?"

"It won't be long before you graduate. I'm so anxious to hear your plans!"

"I'd love to hear what you've been up to if you feel like chatting."

"What's your favorite thing to do when you're not in school?"

"What's the coolest thing you've seen online recently?"

"What's the one thing you're most looking forward to next year?"

i.giphy.com

Don't bombard them—it's not an interrogation–but try out a couple and see how they go. It's important to note that some kids might be flummoxed by questions that require them to choose "the one" or "the most" or "favorite," so you can always alter those kinds of questions to be more open-ended, like this:

"What's something you like to do when you're not in school?"

"What classes are you finding interesting or challenging?"

"Have you read or seen anything you really enjoyed lately?"

"What are you looking forward to after the holidays?"

You can also think about meeting kids and teens where they are by being curious about the reality of their lives—but in a way that isn't overly intrusive or judgmental. For instance, instead of only asking what their favorite subject is in school, ask what their least favorite subject is as well. That will almost surely get them talking. Instead of scoffing about them being on their phones, ask them what social media sites they like the most and why they prefer them to others. You can also ask them their opinions about things like whether they prefer reading paper or digital books, whether they prefer lectures or small group discussions, whether they feel like they learn better from listening, watching or doing. Questions like these don't make them feel like they're being quizzed or tested, because there aren't any right or wrong or even preferable answers.

If you do ask about a "favorite," make it something that they can easily choose a favorite from and something that can lead to further conversation. For instance, "Do you have a favorite teacher?" followed up by "What do you like about them and their class?" That can lead to a nice back and forth about what makes a teacher effective, what makes a class interesting or boring, and what your own experiences with good or bad teachers has been.

Another way to engage teens at your family gatherings is to ask them to help with something in the kitchen. Giving them something helpful to do takes the social spotlight off of them and creates more opportunity for small connections, making more meaningful conversations feel like the natural next step.

teens helping bake in the kitchenGetting them in the kitchen can help with conversations.Photo credit: Canva

People are appreciating the tips offered, as connecting with young people can be a challenge for many adults.

"Where were these questions when I was younger?? How different would the conversation been?"

"🫶🏽 It’s all in the wording! Connections are so important."

"I love this!!! It can be a lot of work getting your teen to go to an adult gathering. It’s never helpful when they get there and end up feeling either judged or completely ignored. It only isolates them further when what they need more than anything is connection with adults."

"Thank you for this. My father will ask my 14 year old what she wants to do for college and I can see the anxiety build up in her. How about what do you like to do in your spare time? What are you proud of? What are you interested in?"

"I’m a grandparent and this is just what I was looking for to open a positive interaction during family events. Thanks again!! 🙌"

It's definitely worth trying some of these out over the holidays.

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