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Parenting coach shares 5 reasons why effective parents never yell at their kids

"Every time you yell, your kids don't listen."

parenting, yelling at kids, child psychology
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Mom and dad yelling at their kid.

There is a natural progression for most parents when their children refuse to listen, especially when it’s 8:30 am, and you’re getting ready to go to school. It goes like this: “Grace, please put on your shoes.” If that doesn’t work, we get a little more stern, “Put. On. Your. Shoes.” But when they don’t seem to listen the third time, many of us raise the pitch of our voice and scream, “PUT ON YOUR SHOES, NOW!” Then, we feel ashamed, like we lost control, but in the moment, we didn’t know what to do.

Unfortunately, according to Olivia Bergeron, LCSW, PMH-C, yelling at our kids is harmful to their mental health and development. It also isn’t an effective tactic to get children to listen. Once you begin the cycle of going from gentle reminders that aren’t heeded to screaming, you’ve set a new bassline, and kids will wait until you start yelling to know you mean business. This, in turn, creates a home where children are more likely to develop anxiety, depression, stress, and other emotional issues.

Is it ok to yell at my child?

Bergeron is a psychotherapist, parent coach, and founder of Mommy Groove Therapy & Parent Coaching to help New York City parents navigate the changes that come with having a child. Recently, she created a video on TikTok that provides five reasons why yelling at your children teaches them not to listen to you and to act out.

@parentingcoach

😳😳5 things that happen when you yell at your kids that teach them to listen less and act out more Trust me you NEED TO LISTEN if you yell! JOIN ME UPCOMING TRAINING ➡️ LINK ON HOMEPAGE #parenting #positivediscipline #parentingcoach #motherhood #parentingtips #momlife #parenthood #consciousparenting #parentingishard #parentingskills #positiveparenting

1. They stop listening to gentle reminders

“When you yell, the boundary you set is ‘Do not listen to me until I yell. I can ask 92 times I can give reminders, I could be gentle, I could be nice. But you don't need to listen until I yell.’ The boundary you have set is that when you yell, your kids need to motivate.”

2. You start a power struggle

“Every time you yell, you decrease your child's connection and power. This takes away their emotional needs on their road map which makes them act out more and listen less to try and gain back that connection and gain back that power.”



3. They don’t listen when you yell

“Every time you yell, your kids don't listen. They don't listen. They don't hear you. They will not listen to the yelling because they're just in trouble again. They're just being punished again, ‘What now? Who cares? I don’t care.’ They lose that sense of security and trust with you because they feel like you don't care.”

4. Increased push back

“Your kids will push back more and dig their heels in because you're taking away power, and you're overpowering them when they yell, and they want to feel in control, too. They do not want to feel overpowered.”

5. They’ll feel unloved

“Your kids are going to feel like they need to power back because they are feeling so small, and they are feeling like you don't love them, and they're always in trouble, and they can't do anything right. Because every time you yell, you cause blame, shame, and pain, and it teaches them that.”

The first step in changing a habit is realizing it no longer works for us. Bergeron’s advice is a good reminder to examine how our kids react when we ask them something, whether we do so in a quiet or loud voice. Once it’s clear that yelling is no longer effective, you can look for new ways to address your kids when you have a request. You may find that the gentle, easy way of doing it is more effective than the loud and harsh approach.



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Family

Mom recalls the uncomfortable moment an older man complimented her 6-year-old's appearance

When she didn't say "thank you," he accused her of having bad manners.

@yourejustliz/TikTok

“Nice is different than kind."

It might have been pretty universally accepted during our childhood for daughters to be expected to reciprocate affection from adults, whether they liked it or not. A non consensual kiss to grandparents here, a forced “thank you” there. But times have changed.

However, this change in parenting style can sometimes make for some, well, awkward or even downright uncomfortable situations as moms and dads try to advocate for this kid’s autonomy.

Recently, a mom named Liz Kindred detailed just such an incident with her six year old daughter, which has a whole lotta other parents discussing how to navigate these unideal interactions.

As she recalls in a video posted to TikTok, Kindred was waiting in line with her daughter when a grown man turned around and said “My goodness, you sure are pretty” to the child.

“My six-year-old is gorgeous, yes, but she is also very in tune and perceptive, and she's an introvert so she grabbed my leg really tight,” Kindred said.

Doubling down, the man repeated himself, saying “You sure are pretty. Look at those blue eyes,” which only made her shy daughter grab her leg harder.

Noting that being in a 12 step program has taught her to be less “knee jerk reactionary,” the mom bit her tongue and offered a polite smile to the man, hoping that would be the end of it. It wasn’t.


@yourejustliz I need to get my brows done
♬ Succession (Theme Song) - The Theme System


“He's a boomer and, God love him, he said, ‘I guess your mom didn't teach you manners.’ And I let out an uncomfortable little [chuckle], and the pause was long. It was long. And under his breath he said, ‘Guess not,’” she said.

In what she called the most ”Jesus loving way” she could muster, while still bluntly making her point, Kindred told the man "If you assume that I didn't teach my six-year-old daughter to say ‘thank you’ to a grown, consenting man when he compliments her appearance, then you would be correct."

What followed was the “longest silence” of Kindred’s life.

The video, which has been viewed over 6 million times now, prompted a ton of parents to share how their own kids have established boundaries in similar situations—with their support, of course.

“An old man called my 4 yr old daughter a sweetheart at the store…she boldly responded ‘I am NOT YOUR sweetheart!’ I was so proud,” on person recalled.

Another added, “My 3 year old says ‘NO THANK YOU MY BODY DOESN’T LIKE TAHT.’”

Still another said “My 2 yo knows the boundaries song and just starts singing that anytime someone talks to her.”

While the response to Kindred’s video was overwhelmingly positive, there were a few comments defending the man as simply being “kind.” This prompted Kindred to do a follow-up video doubling down on her decision.

In the clip, she shared how she herself has dealt with seemingly innocent compliments in her life from men, which later turned into something else. Feeling like she “didn’t have a voice” to say something, “because I’m a nice Christian, Southern girl,” Kindred ended up being in unsavory situations (she didn't explicitly say what those situations were, but it's easy enough to piece together). She doesn’t want her daughter to have the same issues.


@yourejustliz #stitch with @Liz Kindred ♬ Succession (Theme Song) - The Theme System

“Nice is different than kind. The kind thing to do is to teach our daughters and our children in this next generation that when you are uncomfortable with something you listen to your body and you set a firm boundary with that and you provide language around that. And you start that really really young.”

Yep. Well said.


This article originally appeared last year.

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Joy

Street artist creates delightful 3D scenes in walls and walkways for everyone to enjoy

David Zinn's characters bring joy to the lucky folks that happen to come upon them before they wash away.

TedxTalks/YouTube

David Zinn creates art from what he sees everywhere he goes.

Street artists are a special breed. While "the art world" can sometimes be a snooty, elite place for those with means, street art is made for everyone. Sometimes that means large public murals, but street art can be small, too. In fact, some of the best street art is so small you might miss it if you're not paying attention. But those who are can discover some delightful surprises.


Just imagine walking down a sidewalk and seeing this little fella at your feet:

Or this creature:

That would make your day, wouldn't it? Or at least bring a smile to your face for a while?

Public art is an act of love to strangers, a way of connecting to people without saying a word. It says, "Hey there, fellow human. Here's a little something to make you smile, just because."

That's the beauty of David Zinn's street art. It's meant for the public—just average passers-by—to enjoy, individually and collectively.

Zinn has created an entire world of characters who pop up in unexpected places. For instance, meet Gerald the otter, who is waiting for a blind date in this tree stump.

Zinn uses chalk and charcoal to make his cast of characters come to life in cracks and crevasses, sidewalks and tree trunks. His creations aren't meant to last forever; in fact, as Zinn points out, the temporary nature of them adds value to them.

"Famous works of art hanging in museums get seen by thousands of people every day. But this? You could be among the dozens of people who get to see this while it exists," he told CBS Mornings. "That's pretty special."

Watch how he takes something he finds in the sidewalk and transforms it into an adorable green dragon confronting a little ladybug.

Sometimes he uses natural things he finds as inspiration for a piece.

Other times, he uses something human-made, like this upside down terra cotta pot:

Or this manhole cover:

Sometimes, the shape of a rock lends itself to a character, like Keith and his emotional support chick here:

Or the space itself serves as inspiration.

Nadine the mouse features in many of Zinn's pieces, probably due to her small size making it easy for her to fit into small spaces.

Usually his pieces use what's already there—like a crack in the sidewalk—to tell a story.

The 3D nature of his drawings make it feel as if his characters are truly there.

"Looks like another long day of things stubbornly refusing to be impossible," he writes in a caption of one of his "pigasuses."

(Speaking of having wings, Nadine found a pair for herself.)

Watch Zinn turn a simple pot into a character with personality in a matter of minutes:

His entire Instagram page, Facebook page and TikTok channel are filled with endless delight. It was nearly impossible to decide what to include in this article because I wanted to include everything.

This is all well and good, you might say to yourself, but how does Zinn make a living if he's not selling this art?

He sells books and prints of photos of his artwork on his online store. He also gets invited to schools and events. He has created a career for himself by rejecting blank canvases, putting his imagination out on the street for everyone to see for a while, then selling versions that will actually last. Pretty brilliant, really.

Zinn gave a fascinating TEDx Talk explaining how he found his own artistic niche. You'll never look at a parking meter or sidewalk the same way again.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Celebrity

Hugh Grant finally tells his Bridget Jones co-star Renée Zellweger what he always thought of her

The feeling is mutual.

Images of Hugh Grant and Renee Zellweger via Wikicommons

Hugh Grant and Renee Zellweger



love actually GIFGiphy

  1. Hugh Grant does not hold back when it comes to his opinions on anything. But in one unfortunate interview he did for Elle Magazine back in 2009, he dished on most of his female co-stars, and it wasn't pretty. He described Emma Thompson as "clever, funny, mad as a chair." Of Sandra Bullock, he said, "a genius, a German, too many dogs." He later commented that Julia Roberts' mouth was so big, he "was aware of a faint echo" when they kissed onscreen. And while Julianne Moore, Rachel Weisz, and Drew Barrymore were all described as clever, stunning, or beautiful, the consensus was that they all "loathed him."

But it was his Bridget Jones's Diary co-star Renée Zellweger with whom he seemed to have the softest spot. Even when revisiting the matter on The Graham Norton Show in 2016, Hugh agreed with his original assessment that she's "delightful. Also far from sane. Very good kisser."

When pressed, Hugh jokingly said, "She is genuinely lovely, but her emails are 48 pages long. Can't understand a word of them."

Now, nine years later, Renée is returning to her Bridget Jones character, and the two reunite for a piece called "Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy" for British VogueBritish Vogue. After Hugh writes an intro to the piece, where he reveals he used to have tons of questions between on-set shots for Renée—questions like "If you had to marry one of today's extras, who would it be?" and "Who is a better kisser, me or Colin Firth?" He now has a whole new slew of questions. Here are a few key things we find out:


Sad Renee Zellweger GIF by Working TitleGiphy

What did Hugh always think of Renée?

He says candidly (of course), "With a lot of other actors, you think they're really great, and then suddenly you see a little glint of steely, scary ambition, and you realize this person would trample their grandmother to get what they want in this business. But I've never seen that glint coming off you. So either it's very well disguised, or you are quite nice."

What does Renée really think of Hugh?

You're hilariously brilliant at everything you hate. And, though you hate humans, you're a very good and loyal friend. I like you very much. And I love working with you."

Love Actually Dancing GIF by PeacockTVGiphy


What did Hugh really think of her English accent?

Queen Elizabeth GIFGiphy

After discussing Renée's dialect coach, Hugh tells her that her attempt at an English accent is…"perfect."

Why does the Bridget Jones franchise remain so appealing?


Renee Zellweger Romance GIF by Bridget JonesGiphy

Hugh says, "In a nutshell, I say it's an antidote to Instagram. Instagram is telling people, especially women, 'Your life's not good enough.' It's not as good as this woman's or that woman's, making you insecure. Whereas what Helen (the writer) did with Bridget is celebrate failures, while making it funny and joyful."

Renée makes some jokes and then says, "I think maybe folks recognize themselves in her and relate to her feelings of self-doubt. Bridget is authentically herself and doesn't always get it right, but whatever her imperfections, she remains joyful and optimistic, carries on, and triumphs in her own way."

What does Hugh think of Renée's fashion?


Drunk Bridget Jones GIF by Working TitleGiphy

After asking if people in general should be a "bit more stylish," Hugh tells Renée she's "very chic." Renée pushes back with, "I'm wearing a tracksuit." To which Hugh retorts, "Yeah, but a sort of PRICEY one."

And finally, those emails:

"You have sent me the longest emails I've ever received. I can't understand a single word of them. They're written in some curious language that I can't really understand."

"No!" Renée exclaims. "If you reference something in your emails that makes me laugh…I will circle back to that. And if you've forgotten that you wrote it, I don't think I should be held accountable for that!"

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Science

Wildlife rehab center uses clever costume to teach orphaned crane how to drink from a pond

Things we might assume are instinctual sometimes have to be taught.

Photo credit: Canva

An adult wattled crane, which is at risk of extinction.

When a baby animal is abandoned or orphaned in the wild, chances are good it's not going to survive without some kind of outside assistance. That's where wildlife rescues and rehabilitation centers come in to provide the safety and care a wee one needs to no only survive but learn to thrive.

That learning doesn't always come naturally, though. We might assume that animal instincts are enough for wildlife to know how to do basic survival tasks, but often they're not. Babies learn from their mothers how to eat and drink and other things they need to know how to do stay alive, and when the mom isn't there, humans have to fill in.

However, humans filling the mom role is problematic in its own right. Baby wildlife can imprint on human caregivers, seeing them as their mothers, which can interfere with their instincts and be dangerous for the animal. Ideally, helpful humans find ways to demonstrate necessary behaviors without creating too much of an attachment so that the animal can eventually thrive in the wild or at least with its own kind.

That's the idea behind a clever costume a worker at Free Me Wildlife Midlands Centre in South Africa wore to teach a wattled crane chick how to drink from a pond. Watch:

The critically endangered crane chick was 2 1/2 months old and had been found with a broken leg. The costume appears to mimic an adult crane as the worker uses a puppet head and neck on its arm to "drink" from the pond when the chick is looking.

People might wonder why they don't just put another bird in the enclosure to teach it, but introducing animals to one another isn't always that simple, especially in captivity. Lots of people expressed their desire to do this job and some also shared other experiences with teaching birds how to be birds.

"Amazing! When I've rescued baby pigeons often they won't peck seeds unless there are other birds around, soo sometimes I'll put on a YouTube video of birds eating and then they get it."

"i hatch chickens and they do this too!! they don't come out of the egg knowing how to eat and drink, but they don't need to eat for the first 24-36 hours (they stay in the incubator to dry out). the first bunch will be able to teach the others, but those first hatched need to be taught. you do that by 'pecking' the food and water with your finger, they typically catch on in seconds and then don't need to be taught again."

Walking Chicken GIFGiphy

"This is exactly how the San Diego Zoo (amongst others) takes care of baby California condors so they don't imprint. Since they were so critically endangered and almost extinct in the wild, they used puppets to teach them how to be birds so they could be released and rebound their populations. And they were incredibly successful!"

As we saw recently with a man incubating an abandoned duck egg and raising the duckling for rehab, it's important for vulnerable wildlife to have humans who understand how to help them without making them dependent. The goal of a wildlife rescue should be to help an animal thrive in its natural habitat if at all possible, and if not, to at least make sure it knows how do the things others in its species can do. There are rare exceptions, of course, when a rescue animal is disabled or has a history that makes it human dependent, but as the Free Me website states, the purpose a rehabilitation center is "to rehabilitate these animals so that they may be released back into the wild in areas free from poaching and with reduced human activity."

And sometimes it takes creative tools like a silly-looking costume to achieve that goal.

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Pop Culture

A 1714 violin could become the most expensive instrument ever sold

Sotheby's auction house is estimating a $12-18 million value for "Joachim-Ma" Stradivarius

Screenshot from Sotheby's YouTube video

A 1714 Stradivarius violin might become the most expensive musical instrument ever sold

A few years ago, I bought one of my dream guitars, a gold top Gibson Les Paul, after landing a sizable discount and taking on extra work to offset the remainder. I still feel guilty about it, and I’m almost afraid to play it. Good thing I don't collect rare violins.

In related news, Sotheby’s auction house could make history on Friday, selling a violin made by the renowned Antonio Stradivari in 1714—and valued at $12-18 million. If it reaches the higher range of that estimate, the "Joachim-Ma" Stradivarius would become the expensive instrument ever sold at auction. The current Guinness World Record was set in 2011, when a different Stradivarius, the "Lady Blunt," earned nearly $15.9 million.

Violin GIFGiphy

In the broader sense, a "Stradivarius" refers to any string instrument—also including violas, cellos, and guitars—made by members of the Stradivari family during the late 17th and early 18th century in the Italian town of Cremona. These instruments have become famous for their consistently high quality, commonly sought after by both musicians and high-end collectors.

The "Joachim-Ma" is a particularly notable piece, having been crafted during Antonio Stradivari’s "Golden Period," beginning around 1700. Speaking to The Associated Press, Mari-Claudia Jiménez, Sotheby’s Americas president and head of global business development, described the instrument as "the peak of his output" and "the best violin of this era."

In a video highlighting the violin, Helena Newman, chairman of Sotheby’s Europe, called it "the very pinnacle of his creativity." Meanwhile, virtuoso violinist Charlie Siem demonstrates the instrument’s sound, describing how Stradivari achieved "this brilliance, this silvery quality that allows you express moments in the music—an intimate, almost vulnerability, that is magical, really." Throughout the clip, experts try to describe what makes these violins so special—from the wood to the varnish.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Regardless of its tone, the "Joachim-Ma" has a particularly notable pedigree, having been named after two of its virtuoso owners: Hungarian violinist/composer Joseph Joachim (1831-1907) and Chinese violinist/educator Si-Mon Ma (1925-2009). "Joachim purchased this instrument at the age of 18, for what was reportedly the highest price ever paid for a violin at that time, and it was his principal instrument throughout his storied career," Sotheby’s wrote in the auction details. "Joachim was a close collaborator of Johannes Brahms, and he almost certainly performed on this very instrument during the 1879 premiere of Brahms’ Violin Concerto in D Major, Op. 77."

They add that Si-Hon Ma studied with one of Joachim’s pupils at Boston’s New England Conservatory, purchased the "Joachim-Ma" in 1967, and played on it until his 2009 death. At that time, it was donated by his estate to the Conservatory, "with the provision that it could one day be sold to provide student scholarships." After years of being used individually by "several advanced students," the instrument will now help make that dream a reality, helping fund "the largest named scholarship program" in the school’s history.

The "Joachim-Ma," previously on view at Sotheby’s London and Hong Kong, is currently being exhibited through Thursday, February 6. The auction takes place Friday, February 7.

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