Parenting coach says to throw your instincts out the window when dealing with an upset teen

When a friend or coworker comes to us with a problem, it’s not hard to lend an ear and listen to them without judgment. Sometimes, adults just need to vent or talk about their problems to understand them better. However, as a parent, it can be challenging to sit and listen without trying to fix the problem or share some advice.

Jenny Hwang of Project Parent Coach says that when parents are dealing with an upset teenager, one of the best things you can do is sit and listen without judgment or sharing any unnecessary advice. Jenny Hwang, PhD, is a clinical psychologist licensed in New York State who coaches the parents of teens and young adults who are popular on social media with parents who need help raising teenagers.

Hwang starts her video by explaining that it's normal and healthy for your teen to feel stressed out. “Because your teen is doing what teens are supposed to be doing, which is wrestling with the fact that they're moving into a world that, while is full of lots of gratifying, also comes with tremendous responsibility and lots of uncertainty,” she says.

How to comfort an upset teenager

Hwang’s prescription for parents who want to help their distressed teens is to fight their instinct to solve the problem. Hwang says we need to find the power to be silent. “Your most surefire way of creating space for your teen is to stop talking if your teen is dissatisfied,” Hwang says. "Don't take their dissatisfaction personally. Give yourself at least one time where, in the face of your teen's dissatisfaction, when you normally would be scrambling to try to make something better or to try to talk them out of how miserable they are, just let it be. Just let it be and watch how uncomfortable it's gonna feel.”

The parent coach says the teen years are a time to reevaluate how we react to things as parents. “Because this is how conditioned we are to feel like parenting equals doing. Parenting equals talking, parenting equals guiding,” Hwang says. “All of these things. But there is important parenting that happens in silence.”

A mother listening to her teenage daughter.via Canva

"How do you always know what’s happening in my house? I struggle with this so much, but I’ve been trying more, and it’s actually been good. So uncomfortable, but good," Jane wrote in the comments. "I always tell my husband that sometimes we just need to listen to our son and validate his feelings. It's not our job to solve all of his problems," KG added.

How to listen to your teenager

The key to truly listening to your teen without lecturing, giving advice, or passing judgment is to understand the power you give them by listening. Barbara and John Frazier at The Successful Parent blog describes it perfectly. “When you can hear your child’s pain or suffering and hold it for her while she talks about it, you are lending her your strength. The message you send is ‘I can stand these feelings, and they won’t destroy me,’ which tells her, ‘You can stand them too, and they won’t destroy you either.’”

Sometimes, all a teen needs to get through a situation is the strength to do what they think is right or to make it through a trying, exhausting situation. By listening, you can reassure your teenager that they are worth being heard and that their experiences and feelings are valid. Now, after you have listened and empathized and are on the same page, you may ask, “Would you like me to help you figure this out?” And if the answer is no, that’s fine; it means you’ve already done your job.