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Women explain what it's like to lose their youthful beauty and it's surprisingly empowering

The most common response seems to be "liberating."

Three older, stylish women facing the camera and smiling
Photo by Anna Shvets/Pexels

Surface beauty comes with its own down sides.

Humans have long made much ado about beauty, so much so that the word has become loaded with pressures, especially for women. In addition to inspiring painters and poets, beauty is now a billion-dollar industry filled with countless beauty products peddled by beauty influencers that we have to contend with.

Who's considered "beautiful" is quite subjective, but some people are just universally attractive. Women in particular may spend a lot of time and money to enhance or create their beauty and some simply have naturally beautiful features. But regardless of how they got there, we've all known (and often envied) women who turn heads when they walk into a room.

We also know that kind of beauty comes with a certain kind of power to attract and influence. But what about when that surface beauty starts fading with age? What happens when the supple skin starts shriveling, full pouts thin out, perimenopause weight hits and women who were once considered young and beautiful no longer turn heads?

Someone asked the AskOldPeople Reddit group, "If you were beautiful when you were younger, what has it been like to lose its power?" and many of the answers were unexpectedly empowering. Rather than being sad about losing their looks, so many women have found being not young and beautiful anymore freeing. Here are some of the most popular responses:

"Better to lose my looks than my brains, or my compassion, or my curiosity. I had my 'hot girl' phase. It was fun but it was nothing to build a life around."

"I’ve likened it to driving a fancy car. Fun, but hardly life changing. And TBH there’s a certain comfort to the anonymity of late-middle-age. I don’t miss the leers and the low-grade-ever-present-threat associated with being young and beautiful."

"48 year old woman here and completely invisible to the majority of society. I love it! It's been the most freeing thing in the world!!"

"Yes! Freedom is the first word I think of about this."

"Yes!! Totally agree! I used to get a lot of attention and couldn't even have conversations with men without them thinking it was some sort of invitation. I was that combo of good looking but not too good looking and a friendly personality. Now I get very little attention from men and dang is it nice. It's less about losing looks I think and more about losing youth. I am now in my early 40s and by far the happiest, most comfortable I've ever been."

"And the sheer confidence that comes with the years and not giving a rip anymore is just 🤌chef’s kiss*. I love my 40’s. You put an obstacle in front of a group of 40 year old women, get back cause we’re tearing it apart. We get shit done and don’t give a an f who’s in our way. It feels a bit like a super power to be honest. Give that back for the youthful beauty of my 20’s? Pffffttrtttt hail nah."

"Another middle aged woman here, chiming in to agree that it's awesome to be invisible to the type of men that can't leave young, attractive women alone."

"Well said! It's been wonderful to just slowly disappear into the background."

"Omg I love being invisible! It is like a superpower. I was very pretty when younger, and now I don’t have to be self conscious bc no one is staring."

"Truth! It’s been like gaining a superpower for me!"

"Yes, while some of my peers were complaining about becoming invisible, I have found it very freeing."

"I still feel great and I no longer have to make conversation with random dudes who feel entitled to my time."

"Exactly! I joke that now that I look like an older mom or grandma, I can be friendly and nice without having to worry about the result. No more weird stalker responses, no more harassment for my phone number and then being called a bitch. I can just respond how I want….use the term honey….whatever….get that extra service because everyone likes mommy love….with no ick to worry about."

"Liberating! Yeah sure now and then it’s … I’m trying to think of a word but honestly it doesn’t bother me. I love it in fact. I like blending in with the crowd. I like not being singled out and hassled and burdened with other people's desires or being accused of being in love with someone’s boyfriend just because perhaps I was a bit too vivacious."

"I once sat next to a beautiful girl after dancing at EDC and asked her if she ever thought her beauty at times was a burden. She told me that she felt like she lost female friendships because some of her friends thought that she was trying to sleep with their boyfriends. She said she felt lonely and just wanted to be friends — and that part of it was very unfair to her."

"I think with age the focus moves from external validation to internal validation from the self. A kind of inner beauty radiates outward from that deep self acceptance. When I was young and aesthetically pleasing to the world, I enhanced my youthful beauty, unnecessarily with all the cosmetic accoutrements I was brainwashed into believing were needed to feel worthy of the male gaze. Now, in my wizened self I feel a confidence in my beauty that transcends aesthetics. I no longer care for the male gaze, nor do I seek it. I have become worthy of more than that, even without enhancement."

"It’s a slow process. You don’t notice day to day. When it finally happens you’re old enough to understand that beauty is just a creation. You’ll always be beautiful to those who love you."

"Back it up with knowledge, skills, experience, wisdom so when your beauty fades, you will have a soft cushion to land on. That's what I did, and it works."

"I am still a good looking person. But I've noticed that...

1) the people my age who will be attracted to me are also older and they learned a long time ago that certain things ain't gonna fly like they did 20 or 30 years ago.
2) the power of being pretty is dependent on other people being brainlessly susceptible to pretty. Older, wiser people place value on things beyond just a pretty face so it's going to take more than that to get any special treatment.
3) my personality and confidence have always yielded the most power."

"There’s a whole bunch of power in knowing who you are what you’ve accomplished and being happy with yourself and your life. That’s 100 times more powerful than turning a few heads. Everyone grows older, everyone has their looks fade to a certain extent, but what’s inside you is what makes you powerful. This you never lose.

Be a good person of character and you will always have the power."

"I think with age the focus moves from external validation to internal validation from the self. A kind of inner beauty radiates outward from that deep self acceptance. When I was young and aesthetically pleasing to the world, I enhanced my youthful beauty, unnecessarily with all the cosmetic accoutrements I was brainwashed into believing were needed to feel worthy of the male gaze. Now, in my wizened self I feel a confidence in my beauty that transcends aesthetics. I no longer care for the male gaze, nor do I seek it. I have become worthy of more than that, even without enhancement."

Of course, some people have had a harder time with losing their surface beauty than others, for various reasons. But everyone learns at some point that looks aren't something to create your personality around or rely on for attention or connection with people. As one woman wrote:

"I was sad to become invisible in my 40s. In my 50s, I upped my game (clothes, shoes, got an actual haircut) and became visible again. I didn’t regain the power of beauty, but at least I was visible. I was a bit sad about it. People didn’t think I was so fascinating anymore. I realized that maybe I never was, but people wanted to talk to me because of how I looked. Oh well. It was nice while it lasted. But it’s ultimately superficial."

It may sound cliche, but true beauty really does comes from within. "Pretty privilege" has both its benefits and its pitfalls, but one of the life lessons that comes with age is that inner beauty only has upsides and gets better as you age. If you focus on enhancing your true self instead of being overly concerned about how you look, aging out of youthful beauty can be liberating and empowering.

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Culture

Idioms from around the world that become hilarious when translated into English

It can rain a lot more than just cats and dogs.

Photo by Erwan Hesry on Unsplash

Two donkeys are better than one—'repetition teaches the donkey.'

You probably know what it means to hit the hay, tie the knot or buy a lemon. Maybe you’ve already killed two birds with one stone today, so effortlessly that it was a piece of cake. But to a non-English speaker, using these phrases would probably make you sound crazy … or should I say gone crackers?

That’s the fun thing about idioms. They change depending on the time, place and culture creating them. In other words, they usually sound ridiculous to anyone except those who normally use them.

Looking at turns of phrase in different languages helps us see the world through different eyes. And man does it seem impressive at a party.

Just think, instead of saying “it’s raining cats and dogs,” next time you could incorporate a more Lithuanian take, and say “it’s raining axes.” How metal is that?

It can also be raining old women, barrels, buckets, pipe stems, frogs, female trolls, fire and brimstone … depending on where you’re from.

Some of these idioms from around the world make a lot of sense. Others get so lost in translation, you can’t help but get tickled pink.

Swedish

”Nu ska du få dina fiskar värmda.”

Literal translation: Now your fishes will be warmed.

It's another way of saying someone’s in trouble, or their “goose is cooked.”

The Swedish language is definitely not lacking in the threats department. They also have a saying, “nu har du satt din sista potatis,” which translates to “now you have planted your last potato.”

Imagine hearing Batman say “You’ve planted your last potato, Joker.” Doesn't have quite the intended effect.

Italian

“Avere gli occhi foderati di prosciutto.”

Literal translation: To have one’s eyes lined with ham.

Leave it to the Italians to have food-related phrases. You can use this when someone can’t see what’s right in front of them. It can also be used when someone is blinded by love. Sadly, there is no “ham-colored glasses” idiom.

Icelandic

“Að leggja höfuðið í bleyti.”

Literal translation: To lay your head in water.

You say this when you “need to sleep on something,” or “put your thinking cap on.” This one is hilarious because I cannot fathom getting any mental clarity from holding my head in the water.

Arabic

"At-Tikraar yu’allem al-Himaar.”

Literal translation: Repetition teaches the donkey.

Practice makes perfect, but it especially does for donkeys. Animal-themed wisdom at its finest.

German

"Ich verstehe nur Bahnhof."

Literal translation: I only understand train station.

It's another way of saying “it’s all Greek to me.”

The history of this one is a bit mysterious. One theory is that it originated from WWI soldiers who had only one thing on their mind after getting discharged: returning home. Meaning, they could only comprehend the train station that would lead them there. Others say it refers to tourists new to Germany who have really only learned the German word for “train station.” Which would indicate that everything else is foreign to them.

And let’s not forget “nicht mein bier, nicht meine sorgen,” translating to “not my beer, not my worries.”

(Fun fact: The term “not my circus, not my monkeys” actually stems from a Polish proverb, not an English saying at all.)

Norwegian

“Å snakke rett fra leveren.”

Literal translation: To speak directly from the liver.

When you say something without sugar-coating it, you are speaking directly from the liver. This dates back to a time when the liver was thought to be the magical organ that produced courage. So speaking from the liver is just like speaking from the heart, only down and to the right a little.

Chinese

“Mama huhu.”

Literal translation: Horse horse, tiger tiger.

You can use it to say something is just okay. Not good, not bad, just … meh.

As the story goes, a Chinese painter who, not very good at his craft, created a drawing of an animal that looked sort of like a tiger, and sort of like, you guessed it, a horse. That story actually has a tragic ending that serves as a cautionary tale against carelessness. But nowadays it takes on a lighter connotation.

And like “comme ci, comme ca” in French, “horse horse, tiger tiger” isn’t quite as commonly spoken as non-native speakers would assume.

Language continues to be an ever-evolving and always entertaining way to not only appreciate other cultures, but also note the similarities. Words might change slightly, but ultimately we're all expressing the same things.


This article originally appeared on 12.8.21

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Family

New 'empty-nester' dad has a bittersweet realization when he goes shopping without kids

"It hit me really hard."

via JeffPearlmanAuthor/TikTok (used with permission)

Jeff Pearlman has a big realization at his local supermarket.

A father of 2 who recently sent his last child off to college had the new reality hit him like a ton of bricks while visiting the supermarket. The realization came when he saw parents picking out Halloween pumpkins with their kids and he was at the store alone.

“I used to pick out pumpkins with my kids,” Jeff Pearlman said on TikTok. “And I'm here and I see dads and moms with their kids in the cart and it used to be me with my kids in the cart. And, it actually hit me really hard, that the house is empty and little things that you take for granted as a parent. Taking your kids to the supermarket.”

Jeff Pearlman is the New York Times best-selling author of 10 books, including "The Last Folk Hero: The Life and Times of Bo Jackson" and "Showtime," which was turned into "Winning Time," a hit HBO series. He also hosts a podcast, “Two Writers Slinging Yang.”

Pearlman used the moment to remind other parents that they would soon be in the same position and should appreciate having children in the house while they can.

@jeffpearlmanauthor

Empty nester blues: A very real (and sad) thing. #emptynesters #emptynest #freebirds #sadness #college #writersoftiktok

“Maybe it seems like a pain in the a** in the moment,” Pearlman admitted. “You’d rather just leave them at home or whatever. But now I'm here by myself in the supermarket. And there's not that much to buy actually because I don't have two kids at home anymore ... and I'm looking at Halloween candy, but they're not going to give a crap. They're not here.”

“It just changes everything and it is an adjustment,” Pearlman continued. “I just want to say, if you live with your kids at home, please appreciate them and understand it goes very fast.”

Upworthy spoke with Pearlman and asked him if he could have better prepared himself for the empty-nester blues. “I don’t think it’s possible to truly prepare,” he told Upworthy. “You pack everything up and say your goodbyes. But then you’re left with this void. It’s jarring. The only thing that helps is time, natural readjustment, and the knowledge that they’re happy, which is how it’s supposed to be. I remind myself all the time that it would be much sadder if my kids were home and unmotivated.”



The video struck a chord with many people on TikTok, where it’s been seen over 400,000 times.

"I bought my son’s favorite snacks yesterday and didn’t even realize until I got home. Started sobbing," KMD wrote in the comments. "I’m still not over it! I just told my daughter today that I’d kill to be making their school lunches again. I used to hate it and now I miss it so much," Corinne added.

"I’m in the same boat. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. I feel lost but hoping it gets easier," Arblc20 admitted.

What is empty nest syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome is a "normal feeling," Amy Morin, LCSW, writes. She says it's defined by a loss of purpose and frustration over a lack of control. It can cause anxiety and marital stress. But the good news is that, in time, most parents will get over the feeling and embrace the new phase in life. "With time, having an empty nest will get easier. You'll get used to your child being in charge of their own life and you will develop a new sense of normal in your life," Morwin writes.

Dan Brennan, MD, says that new empty-nesters should focus on the positives of having a child-free home. He recommends that empty-nesters take advantage of their free time by taking classes, making a few extra dollars by starting a part-time job or volunteering for an organization they care about. “Realize that your role as a parent has changed, not ended,” he writes at WebMD.

The commenters noted that the pain of being an empty nester often evolves into the joy of being a grandparent. “Once my parents became grandparents, their purpose came back and the light in their eyes,” kearraarose wrote. “I think this is why grandkids are so fun to enjoy … we know it doesn’t last,” juliabbell added.

Pearlman had difficulty making it through the Halloween-themed supermarket after dropping his last child off at college. But being an empty-nester isn’t all pain and suffering. “I have full usage of my car again,” he told Upworthy. “And the steering wheel is clean.”

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Popular

'Entitled parent' discovers airline moved their toddler's seat just before flight takes off

Another passenger behaving badly story takes a huge twist.

Photo by Steven Thompson on Unsplash

I took a long Amtrak train trip from Atlanta to Baltimore with my 9-year-old daughter this summer.

As far as I could tell, there was no way to reserve specific seats in coach on our particular train ahead of time. But we arrived as early as we could and, to our delight, were treated to a near empty train. We sat together in a two-person row and had a really nice trip up to Baltimore.

On the way back? We boarded at Union Station and the train, having arrived from New York, was already packed. The conductor told me he would try his best to seat us together but couldn't guarantee it. You should have seen the terror in my daughter's eyes.

It would be a 14-hour overnight train ride. Sitting her next to some stranger that whole time? Absolutely not. No way.

They eventually found us seats across an aisle from each other, which kind of worked, but wasn't ideal. Luckily, the guy I was supposed to sit next on the other side flew into a rage that he wouldn't have a row to himself and stormed off to sit elsewhere, freeing up the row for us.

But for a few horrible minutes, I had become "that dad" desperately asking anyone in the area if they'd be willing to move so we could sit together.

I had become the dreaded entitled parent from all the viral travel stories.

Stories of "entitled parents" desperately trying to get other passengers to switch seats go viral all the time. But a recent thread on Reddit shows why we don't always get the full story.

Description from Reddit of airplane seating snafuReddit

User u/takeme2themtns recently shared a nightmare travel story in the r/Delta subreddit:

"In typical Delta fashion, they just switched up our seats and placed my toddler in a row away from us," they wrote. "Booked three seats ... in comfort plus months ago. Now, several hours before the flight we get notifications that our seats have changed. They put wife and me in exit row seats and the toddler in a window seat a row away."

With no way to fix the seating snafu digitally, the OP would have to rely on the Gate Attendant or even Flight Attendant to make a last-minute change — which would force someone else on the plane to move.

"I’m confident the GA (gate attendant) will take care of it," they wrote, "but it’s still so frustrating that we have to worry about it. I know we see posts like this all the time, but that’s because it happens all the time to people. Delta needs to fix this trashy system."

Another user in the comments wrote to share a similar story:

"I had this happen to me. The check-in person said to talk to the gate.

The gate said to talk to the flight attendant.

The flight attendant told me to ask people to trade seats.

I asked people. People said no. Other passengers started berating me for not planning ahead and saying my lack of planning isn’t their responsibility.

I defended myself by saying I reserved seats months ago and Delta moved me at the last minute. Then passengers started yelling at each other about my situation.

The FA had someone move and I got to sit with my daughter."

The user noted that the situation was chaotic and traumatizing.

These stories are far from rare.


woman carrying baby while sitting on gray seat Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash

I found another story just like this from a few months ago on the r/United subreddit. The user's family booked seats together only for the system to separate them right before the flight, leaving an 8-year-old to fly seated alone. The flight crew's only solution was to ask other passengers to switch, causing the OP's family to get lots of dirty looks for the duration of the flight.

Having a young child or toddler seated away from you while traveling is just a complete No-Go, for many reasons. But as a dad, leaving a kid of nearly any age to sit alone — even if they're 8 or 10 or 14 — is not acceptable.

It's not just about convenience, it's a huge safety issue. There are plenty of horrifying news stories that support why a parent would do absolutely anything to avoid it.

When we hear these stories, they're almost always framed as the parents being unprepared, lazy, and entitled. But maybe we're missing the point.

boy sitting on plane seat while viewing window Photo by Hanson Lu on Unsplash

A story from January of this year praises a passenger who refused to switch seats with an "entitled dad" as a "hero."

People are fed up with parents asking them to switch out of airline or train seats that they paid good money for. And I don't blame them!

But we need to stop beating each other up and start holding the airlines and other travel companies accountability for putting parents and non-parents into this mess in the first place.

There needs to be a better system for families booking plane and train tickets. When you buy tickets, you have to enter in the ages of the children you're traveling with — so it stands to reason that these mix-ups flat out shouldn't happen!

Families shouldn't have to panic at the gate or on board about this! Other paying passengers shouldn't have to give up their seats!

The good news is that the Department of Transportation has recently gotten involved with a dashboard of which airlines guarantee family seating at no additional cost.

The DOT is looking to even make it illegal to for airlines to charge parents and children fees to sit together. Parents and children under 13 would be required to be seated side by side or immediately adjacent, and if not, they'd get a full refund or free rebooking — it's known as the Families Fly Together Act.

Traveling in 2024 is stressful enough, from seat changes to unruly passengers to high numbers of cancelled flights.

Seating kids and parents together seems like one small problem we should be able to solve.

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Woman shares the 'ultimate hack' for busy people needing to declutter fast

A cleaner home in a matter of minutes.

@aesthetically_ally_/TikTok

Okay, this is brilliant.

When the Work From Home era began, many of us got excited at the possibility of being able to maybe, juuuust maybe, keep our home a little cleaner by doing some sprucing up in between productivity sprints. But alas, reality has set in.

Instead, there’s the constant distraction of messes that need to be cleaned up, items that aren’t where they should be, piles upon piles of stuff that seem to appear out of nowhere. All of this goes double for WFH folks with kids.

And being more aware of clutter is no doubt one of the main reasons why cleaning hacks are all the rage on social media. Besides the fact that there’s just something so primally satisfying about watching stain removal.

One super easy hack, created by a mom and therapist who goes by @aestetically_ally_ on TikTok, is being hailed as the “ultimate” decluttering method, particularly for moms. (But really, this could work for anyone).

“If you’re looking for a busy working mom hack to keep your sh*t together during the day, during the week and not feel totally overwhelmed and overstimulated when you walk into your house, keep listening,” Ally says at the top of her clip. “I can’t stand having a dirty house or a messy house. For me, that is my overstimulation nightmare.”

And this is where the “cleaning cart” comes in.

Ally then shows a simple, white rolling cart with three shelves—something you’ve definitely seen at a staples or Ikea. The idea is you can roll this cart around your home and pick up any debris that’s taking up unnecessary spaces. Toys, crafts, shoes, hoodies, etc. Then you place the cart up against a wall. And voila, a clutter free house in minutes.

Ally adds the caveat that “obviously we’re going to have to put those things away.”But still, she affirms that “t is so much nicer to just not have those things cluttering all of the flat surfaces in your house.”

“It helps so much with that overstimulated feeling that you get when you have to come in after a crazy busy day and have to start taking care of everybody and everything,” she says.

@aesthetically_ally_ Mom hack. Lmk if you try! #cleaninghacks #cleanhouse ♬ original sound - Aesthetically Ally

Down in the comments, people were totally on board with the idea. Many already did a form of it with laundry baskets, but really loved the ability to wheel the junk around. A few even wanted to go above and beyond by labeling each section with a family’s member’s name, so that it made reorganizing easier later.

Still, a few shared concerns that this could easily become “doom piles,” or "Didn't Organize, Only Moved” piles, commonly associated with people dealing with ADD/ADHD, which never actually get sorted and become more overwhelming in the long run.

However, an article from Real Simple has some expert backed tips to keep those piles from taking over, which can be helpful for those in the ADD/ ADHD community, or just folks trying to avoid bigger messes.

One trick is to keep a small, manageable sized basket, and to not let it overflow. This is where a small, compact cleaning cart could really shine.

Other suggestions include using a timer and emptying out the cart or basket in 15 minute increments, or implementing a reward system for emptying out said cart. Essentially, creating easy-to-accomplish, bite sized tasks, and finding a way to associate with something pleasing. A good basis for any goal, really.

Perhaps in an ideal world we wouldn’t need things like cleaning carts. But we live in reality. And reality is messy. We are all just doing our best to juggle multiple, simultaneous responsibilities while holding onto our sanity. If rolling a cart around and throwing junk in it helps that cause, even just a little, then it’s probably worth trying.

By the way, Ally has more tips where that came from, which you can find by following her on TikTok.

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When a server accidentally served a $5,750 bottle of wine her manager told the world about it

His response was unforgettable.

Ever screw up royally at work? There’s nothing worse than that sinking feeling that comes when you realize you have to fess up to your manager. Next comes the uncertainty over whether you’ll keep your job or not.

A server at the Hawksmoor Manchester steakhouse and cocktail bar in England went through that same experience. She accidentally served a customer a £4500 ($5750) bottle of Chateau le Pin Pomerol 2001 instead of the £260 ($33) Bordeaux they ordered.

The server’s manager brought it to the world’s attention on Twitter, and instead of chastising her, told her “One-off mistakes happen and we love you anyway.”

The manager even went a step further and excused the mistake by saying the bottles “look pretty similar.”

Hawksmoor founder Will Beckett later clarified the story to BBC News saying that the server had been working with a manager from another location because it was a busy night. The manager accidentally grabbed the wrong bottle and the customer apparently didn’t notice the mistake.

Beckett said the server is “brilliant,” but he’s still going to “tease her for this when she stops being so mortified.”

The story inspired some people to share the times when they screwed up at work and were let off the hook.

Others congratulated management for not punishing the server.

While others thought that drinking a £4500 bottle of wine was amoral.

The restaurant responded to the morally outraged by sharing the work it does for charity.

This article originally appeared on 8.6.19

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