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Unlearning toxic masculinity can be difficult. Here are a few role models who can help.

We talk a lot about toxic masculinity.

It seems like people are starting to confound the meaning of the term.

"Oh, so you're saying that masculinity is TOXIC," they say. "That's SEXIST against MEN," they say.

To them I say: Stop being willfully obtuse.

If I said, "Whoa, that's a rabid prairie dog," would you intentionally misunderstand me and yell at me for being a dingbat who thinks that ALL prairie dogs are rabid?

I didn't say that, bro.

When I refer to "toxic masculinity," I'm not labeling all masculinity as toxic. Just like when I say, "Oh shit, there's a rabid prairie dog coming at you," I'm not saying that all prairie dogs are rabid.

But I am saying that some prairie dogs are clearly foaming at the mouth, meaning that something could be spreading through the colony — and sometimes you can't tell the sick ones just by looking at them.

Same thing with men.

So listen up:

No, not all forms of masculinity are toxic. But yes, some are.

Here's what can look like:

  • Repression of feelings like sadness, fear, insecurity, and the related behaviors like crying, hiding, or talking about feelings. Example: "Boys don't cry! Be a man!"
  • Over-expression of anger through behaviors that are violent, erratic, and intended to dominate. Example: "What'd you say? You can't talk to me like that! *punches*)"
  • Need to be strong, dominant, and alpha, and fear of expressing "weakening" feelings or behaviors like affection, vulnerability, tenderness, kindness, gentleness, grief. Example: "My wife just had a baby. Whatever, let's close the deal.”
  • Sexual entitlement and violence. Example: "You know you want this."
  • Transference of responsibility for feelings, actions, and consequences to women. Example: "You just made me so mad."
  • Mocking or rejecting men who do not adhere to these "dominant," "alpha male" standards of behavior. Example: "Don't be a fag, Mike. Hey, everybody, look at Mike — he's all butthurt like a little girl."
  • Extreme fragility, because a man is told his sense of self is dependent on the idea that he is dominant rather than the idea that he is inherently valuable just for being who he is.
  • Passing on these behaviors and attitudes to their kids. Devastatingly.

But again, not all masculinity is toxic. So what does this nontoxic masculinity look like?

It's harder to figure out how to be something if you don't know what that something looks like. That's why, today, I want to talk about role models for the next generation of young male feminists.

They're strong. They're brave. They're kind. They cry.  

They are …

1. Terry Crews/Terry Jeffords

He's masculine ...

GIF from "Friday After Next."

... but nontoxic!

This man is a mountain of dancing muscle. He looks like someone's "Ultimate Tough Guy" drawing come to life. His character on "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," Terry Jeffords, is ripped, shredded, and doesn't take shit. He's a boss.

GIF from "Conan."

He's not violent. Terry the character is fearful of violence and isn't afraid to express it. He shows love, affection, vulnerability. He's into his family and farmers markets.

And Terry the man has trusted us with the story of his own sexual assault.

Talk about strong. Talk about brave. Talk about vulnerable. Talk about empathetic. Talk about emotional availability.

2. The "Queer Eye" crew

They're masculine ...

GIF from "Queer Eye."

... but nontoxic!

These guys are physically fit, very strong, healthy, sexually expressive, and socially confident. They travel in a bro posse and Bobby Berk rebuilds entire suburban homes in, like, 20 minutes, nbd.

GIF from "Queer Eye."

They're also empathetic, physically affectionate, emotionally available and vulnerable, supportive, verbally kind, and tender in a way that risks something.

When they express their love or support for the men they're making over, they're risking being rejected, but they do it anyway. It's incredibly beautiful to see.

3. Lin-Manuel Miranda

He's masculine ...

GIF from "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon."

... but nontoxic!

Rich, powerful, and successful, Lin-Manuel, creator of "Hamilton: An American Musical," is a rapper from NYC, a father of two, and a certified genius.

GIF from "The 2016 Tony Awards."

Dude, you can't find a clip or a tweet of this guy not feeling all the feelings. He cries more than I do. He's emotionally accessible, loving, inclusive, positive, gentle, creative.

He sings and dances. He tweets about his wife and kids with so much tenderness. His family is a source of joy and humor, but never his punchline.

4. Chris Evans/Captain America

He's masculine ...

GIF from "Avengers: Age of Ultron."

(Uhh ... no explanation necessary.)

... but nontoxic!

GIF from "The Hollywood Reporter."

Captain America is a principled, sensitive, deeply empathetic former dweeb whose years of experience on the bottom of other people's shoes has given him the ability to use respect and kindness as a means of human connection rather than social currency to purchase his own domination.

Chris Evans recently spoke to an interviewer about playing a total dick in a show on Broadway, and he did exactly what a nontoxic male ally should do: acknowledge that it's hard to learn and emphasize the importance of shutting the hell up when it's not your turn to talk.

And so many more!

Mr. Rogers. Barack Obama. The coach from "Friday Night Lights."

Guys, you don't have to look to pro athletes who beat up their wives and girlfriends, you don't have to admire homophobes, and you don't have to follow your grandpa's rules anymore.

It's 2018! Come with me into the future, where the expression "like a man" doesn't mean hard, violent, stony, carnivorous.

Join Terry, Lin-Manuel, and so many others, and be a man who is strong, brave, kind, good, sweet, gentle, sad, weepy, fearful.

Be human, is what I'm saying.

Your full humanity is available to you. Right now. Your identity as a man is inextricably linked to the full breadth of your human experience. You just have to be willing to let it out.

Your worth isn't dependent on being stronger than everyone else in the room. You're the person who decides its volume, its integrity. It's been there since you were born and it'll be there when you gather your grandson in your arms and say, "It's OK to cry. I cry, too."

Choose nontoxic masculinity.

It exists. Some pretty kickass guys are rocking it really hard — right in front of you.

This story originally appeared on The Good Men Project and is reprinted here with permission.

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Neuroscientists say a simple trick will help you learn any new skill a lot faster

Learning a new skill? Here's how to quickly level-up.

guitar, learning a skill, neuroscience, music, exposure, passive exposure, gardening
via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

A woman learning how to play guitar.

Learning a new skill, such as playing an instrument, gardening, or picking up a new language, takes a lot of time and practice, whether that means scale training, learning about native plants, or using flashcards to memorize new words. To improve through practice, you have to perform the task repeatedly and receive feedback so you know whether you’re doing it correctly. Is my pitch correct? Did my geraniums bloom? Is my pronunciation understandable?

However, a new study by researchers at the Institute of Neuroscience at the University of Oregon shows that you can speed up these processes by adding a third element to practice and feedback: passive exposure. The good news is that passive exposure requires minimal effort and is enjoyable.

"Active learning of a... task requires both expending effort to perform the task and having access to feedback about task performance," the study authors explained. "Passive exposure to sensory stimuli, on the other hand, is relatively effortless and does not require feedback about performance."


woman reading, woman book, young woman, studying, new skills A woman reading a book.via Canva/Photos

How to pick up new skills faster?

So, if you’re learning to play the blues on guitar, listen to plenty of Howlin’ Wolf or Robert Johnson throughout the day. If you’re learning to cook, keep the Food Network on TV in the background to absorb some great culinary advice. Learning to garden? Take the time to notice the flora and fauna in your neighborhood or make frequent trips to your local botanical garden.

If you’re learning a new language, watch plenty of TV and films in the language you are learning. The scientists add that auditory learning is especially helpful, so listen to plenty of audiobooks or podcasts on the subject you’re learning about.

But, of course, you also have to be actively learning the skill as well by practicing your guitar for the recommended hours each day or by taking a class in languages. Passive exposure won't do the work for you, but it's a fantastic way to pick up things more quickly. Further, passive exposure keeps the new skill you're learning top-of-mind, so you're probably more likely to actively practice it.

What is passive exposure?

Researchers discovered the tremendous benefits of passive exposure after studying a group of mice. They trained them to find water by using various sounds to give positive or negative feedback, like playing a game of “hot or cold.” Some mice were passively exposed to these sounds when they weren't looking for water. Those who received this additional passive exposure and those who received active training learned to find the water reward more quickly.

gardening, woman gardening, gardening shears, leaning gardening, weeds A woman tending to her garden.via Canva/Photos


“Our results suggest that, in mice and in humans, a given performance threshold can be achieved with relatively less effort by combining low-effort passive exposure with active training,” James Murray, a neuroscientist who led the study, told University of Oregon News. “This insight could be helpful for humans learning an instrument or a second language, though more work will be needed to better understand how this applies to more complex tasks and how to optimize training schedules that combine passive exposure with active training.”

The one drawback to this study was that it was conducted on mice, not humans. However, recent studies on humans have found similar results, such as in sports. If you visualize yourself excelling at the sport or mentally rehearse a practice routine, it can positively affect your actual performance. Showing, once again, that when it comes to picking up a new skill, exposure is key.

The great news about the story is that, in addition to giving people a new way to approach learning, it’s an excuse for us to enjoy the things we love even more. If you enjoy listening to blues music so much that you decided to learn for yourself, it’s another reason to make it an even more significant part of your life.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

This article originally appeared last year.

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Child therapist shares 3 principles of 'Shitsuke' that are key to Japanese parenting

"Predictability makes kids happy."

Shitsuke, Japanese parenting, parenting, Japan, discipline. learning
Photo credit: Canva

Parents watch as their child uses a toothbrush.

When it comes to parenting, sometimes the simplest reframing of how you discipline can make all the difference. In a YouTube video, pediatric occupational therapist Emma Hubbard shares a tip she describes as the "Japanese rule that changes everything."

It's a method called "Shitsuke," which she explains literally translates to "discipline." She claims it's the "one simple rule that Japanese parents follow that helps create calm, respectful, and obedient children."

Hubbard makes it clear from the jump that although the word translates to "discipline," it doesn't carry the same meaning it does in Western culture. Instead, it's about getting ahead of behavioral issues rather than responding to them.

"It's really easy to fall into a cycle that looks something like this," she says. "We wait for our kids to act out, then we punish, lecture, or bargain with them. Shitsuke flips this completely."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

She goes on to explain that Shitsuke strongly urges parents to nurture their children by modeling good behavior and giving clear, consistent instruction.

"It's based on the belief that children develop good manners and courtesy through instruction and practice, not through punishment or hoping they'll just figure it out," she says. "Instead of constantly putting out fires, Japanese parents prevent them by actively teaching the exact behaviors they want to see."

Hubbard shares three main principles of this method:

1. Model the behavior you want to see

It's actually quite simple. Hubbard explains, "Japanese parents understand that kids are observational learners. If you want a calm child, you must be calm. If you want a respectful child, you must be respectful, especially when you're frustrated. And if you don't want your child to scream when they're angry, then you should also try not to scream when you're angry."

2. Be consistent with clear rules

Studies show that children are less anxious when given clear instructions and predictable routines.

"The truth is, rules don't make children unhappy," Hubbard says. "In fact, having no clear rules is what makes them anxious and stressed. Think about it like this. Imagine if you went to work and your boss never told you what time to arrive, what your job was, or even when team meetings started. You'd be anxious, stressed, and confused all day. And that's exactly how your child feels without clear rules."

In an article for Psychology Today, Jenalee Doom, PhD, points out that "both children's and adults' brains love predictability. We can still get pleasure from unpredictable things like surprises, but in general, we feel safe and secure when we have predictable routines, and we find unpredictability to be highly stressful." She goes on to offer suggestions for helping children feel safe, such as keeping regular bedtimes and having meals together.

3. Learn to reframe "naughty" behavior into a learning experience

This is the game changer for many parents, and what Hubbard calls the most important part of the concept.

"This is the most important part of Shitsuke that completely changes everything," she says. "Instead of just saying 'Don't do that' or 'Stop being naughty,' Shitsuke teaches parents to ask one crucial question: 'What skill does my child need to learn here?'"

The clear genius behind this principle is that it takes mistakes (which are going to happen) and turns them into lessons.

"This shift in thinking changes everything because instead of punishing the behavior you don't want, you start actively teaching the skill that they're missing," she adds. "And that's when you see real, lasting obedience because your child actually knows how to behave well."

children, discipline, shitsuke, Japanese method of learning, lessons A young girl has a tantrum. Photo credit: Vinh Thang on Unsplash

Hubbard's YouTube video has nearly one million views and over one thousand comments, many of which add insightful thoughts to the conversation.

One commenter stressed the importance of being respectful:

"Something I will add: growing up in Japan, polite behavior was acknowledged and positively reinforced by nearly every adult I interacted with. Not just my teachers, but my pediatrician, my neighbors, the old lady who ran the corner tobacco store, my barber, etc. Saying 'good morning!' or 'thank you!' felt fantastic, because here you are a tiny child being respectfully greeted by big adults. As an adult, I now acknowledge kind American children I encounter with comments like 'thank you, that was very considerate' to pass it on, and I see them smile. I do not have children of my own, but I encourage everyone to notice the children who are trying their best and to thank them for it."

Another commenter backs up the claim that children often thrive when they have set rules:

"Rules don't make children unhappy. 100%. As a teacher, they're the ones who expect me to follow the rules and enforce the consequences all the time. Predictability makes kids happy."

This commenter discusses the value of the words parents use:

"Framing of messages are so important. For example, instead of saying, 'Don't forget…,' rather say, 'please remember.' Or, 'Don't pull the kitty's tail,' instead say, 'Please pet it gently.' Reframe the message from communicating with negatively charged words to positively charged words by telling them what you want them to do, not what you don't want them to do."

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Stanford researchers find a single question could be the key to changing someone's mind

Curiosity goes a lot further than we might think.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity
Photo credit: Canva

How do you get someone to open their minds to another perspective?

The diversity of humanity means people won't always see eye to eye, and psychology tells us that people tend to double down when their views are challenged. When people are so deeply entrenched in their own perspectives they're refusing to entertain other viewpoints, what do we do?

Frequently, what we do falls into the "understandable but ineffective" category. When we disagree with someone because their opinion is based on falsehoods or inaccurate information, we may try to pound them with facts and statistics. Unfortunately, research shows that generally doesn't work. We might try to find different ways to explain our stance using logic and reasoning, but that rarely makes a dent, either. So often, we're left wondering how on Earth this person arrived at their perspective, especially if they reject facts and logic.

According to Stanford researchers, turning that wondering into an actual question might be the key.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity Questions are more effective than facts when it comes to disagreements.Photo credit: Canva

The power of "Tell me more."

Two studies examined how expressing interest in someone's view and asking them to elaborate on why they hold their opinion affected both parties engaged in a debate. They found that asking questions like, "Could you tell me more about that?” and ‘‘Why do you think that?" made the other person "view their debate counterpart more positively, behave more open-mindedly, and form more favorable inferences about other proponents of the counterpart’s views." Additionally, adding an expression of interest, such as, ‘‘But I was interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how come you think that?” not only made the counterpart more open to other viewpoints, but the questioner themselves developed more favorable attitudes toward the opposing viewpoint.

In other words, genuinely striving to understand another person's perspective by being curious and asking them to say more about how they came to their conclusions may help bridge seemingly insurmountable divides.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity Asking people to elaborate leads to more open-mindedness.Photo credit: Canva

Stanford isn't alone in these findings. A series of studies at the University of Haifa also found that high-quality listening helped lower people's prejudices, and that when people perceive a listener to be responsive, they tend to be more open-minded. Additionally, the perception that their attitude is the correct and valid one is reduced.

Why curiosity works

In some sense, these results may seem counterintuitive. We may assume that asking someone to elaborate on what they believe and why they believe it might just further entrench them in their views and opinions. But that's not what the research shows.

Dartmouth cognitive scientist Thalia Wheatley studies the role of curiosity in relationships and has found that being curious can help create consensus where there wasn't any before.

“[Curiosity] really creates common ground across brains, just by virtue of having the intellectual humility to say, ‘OK, I thought it was like this, but what do you think?’ And being willing to change your mind,” she said, according to the John Templeton Foundation.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity Curiosity can help people get closer to consensus. Photo credit: Canva

Of course, there may be certain opinions and perspectives that are too abhorrent or inhumane to entertain with curious questions, so it's not like "tell me more" is always the solution to an intractable divide. But even those with whom we vehemently disagree or those whose views we find offensive may respond to curiosity with more open-mindedness and willingness to change their view than if we simply argue with them. And isn't that the whole point?

Sometimes what's effective doesn't always line up with our emotional reactions to a disagreement, so engaging with curiosity might take some practice. It may also require us to rethink what formats for public discourse are the most impactful. Is ranting in a TikTok video or a tweet conducive to this shift in how we engage others? Is one-on-one or small group, in-person discussion a better forum for curious engagement? These are important things to consider if our goal is not to merely state our case and make our voice heard but to actually help open people's minds and remain open-minded in our own lives as well.

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Comedian Jimmy Carr stopped his comedy show to give an audience member some superb parenting advice

Carr offered a beautifully different way of thinking about "tough love."

comedian, comedy, jimmy carr, standup, philosophy, parenting, dads, fatherhood, family, kids
Canva Photos & Albin Olsson/Wikimedia Commons

Comedian Jimmy Carr put the jokes aside and delivered a brilliant nugget of parenting advice mid-show.

Jimmy Carr is best known as a comedian, but he also has dyslexia and had extreme trouble reading and writing into his early teen years. Years later, he'd go on to graduate from Gonville and Caius College, Cambridge with degrees in social and political science and first class honors.

It's safe to say that, jokes aside, he's a pretty smart guy. And in Carr's standup routines, he's not afraid to set aside the gags for a few minutes and get serious about topics that he feels deserve proper attention.

At a recent show, Carr was performing crowd work—asking questions and bantering with the audience—when an audience member called out a poignant question.

"What's your advice for parents with toddlers?" a woman yelled out.

"Well, I mean, practical advice? You can half-ass it. Get an iPad, a Netflix subscription, and you're off to the...races. They'll be very... happy," he said. The crowd roared with laughter. But Carr wasn't done. "You want serious advice?" he asked the woman.

Seamlessly, he launched into his philosophy on parenting.

"Hard choices now, easy life later," he said to a round of applause from the crowd. "I bet you fucking love your kids, but you've also got to love who they could be. So it's kindness, isn't it? You want to be really kind to your children, but not just kind in the moment. In the moment, what do kids want? They want to watch TV, not read books. They want to eat junk food, not vegetables. If you give in to that, if you're kind in the moment, you've got fat, stupid kids. That's no good. You've got to be a little bit mean in the moment."

He then joked that this clip would become his own "famous last words," so to speak when his own kids get older and reveal what a terrible father he turned out to be.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Carr taps into a common debate in his performance here: When does gentle parenting become so gentle that it does kids a disservice?

Millennial and even Gen Z parents are "breaking generational cycles of harshness and emotional distance," writes Motherly. Baby Boomers were notoriously distant, often as a result of their own upbringing, and some experts say Millennials have perhaps overcorrected.

Gentle parenting preaches connection over correction and validating a child's feelings frequently. Research generally suggests this is a good approach, but it's a high-wire act that requires careful calibration. Otherwise, as Carr points out, you wind up letting kids do whatever they want in an effort to be kind and avoid hurting their feelings—an approach called permissive parenting. That ultimately doesn't serve them in the long-run.

He doesn't shy away from the fact that being "meaner" is hard, and far easier said than done. It's a good thing to care about your kid's happiness, which is why Carr's reframe of the approach is so brilliant. You're being kind to the person your child will one day be, by being a little bit "meaner" right now.

comedian, comedy, jimmy carr, standup, philosophy, parenting, dads, fatherhood, family, kids Jimmy Carr became a dad in 2019.Albin Olsson/Wikimedia Commons

Carr is often all jokes, but he's been known to get serious when it comes to parenting. Reports say that Carr has one son, Rockefeller, who was born in 2019.

At another recent show, a woman called out wondering how she should deal with the kids who were bullying her 11-year-old son. After several minutes of non-stop, chaotic, ridiculously silly jokes, Carr turned on a dime.

"Speaking as a parent... you cannot helicopter parent. You cannot pave the jungle. You can just teach him to get through it. It's a very tough thing. On the upside, your kid is being bullied. That's terrible, I imagine heartbreaking for you...But at least he's not the bully. Tell him from me, you can't have an easy life and a great character. You can't have both. It'll make him stronger and better and more compassionate in the future," Carr said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Carr's parenting advice videos have gone mega viral across social media and commenters can't believe how skillfully he can transition from jokes to solid gold words of wisdom.

"Jimmy can turn things on a sixpence from humour to compassion. He is a remarkable person."

"Just a brilliant intelligent empathetic chap."

"I do like how Jimmy can flip from the most savage come backs possible into full on philosopher in the most natural way."

"I love how this applies to essentially everything in life. Hard choices now. Easy life later. So simple, so true"

It shouldn't be a surprise that a comedian like Carr has such thoughtful takes on everything from mortality to parenting to life itself and happiness. Comedy is ultimately rooted in fundamental truths about the world. What's special about Carr is how he can turn off the funny filter and deliver that truth in its purest, most potent form when needed.

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Instead of a 'Sweet 16,' mom hosts 'Coming of Age Brunch' with adult mentors for her teen daughter

She calls it a "birthday tradition that will change your teenager's life."

sweet sixteen, birthday, birthday brunch, coming of age, young adulthood, parenting, parenting tip, parenting teens
Photo credit: Canva

A group of women raising glasses (left) A happy teen girl (right)

Turning sixteen is considered a milestone. It symbolizes the beginning of the transition from childhood to young adulthood, and the start of new privileges, responsibilities, and identities.

Many families celebrate this new chapter with some kind of “Sweet 16” ritual. Depending on one’s culture, it might go by a different name, such as a bar/bat mitzvah (when a boy/girl turns 13 in Jewish culture) or a quinceañera,, (when a girl turns 15 in Latin American culture). Each celebration involves slightly different traditions, but generally have the same intention of commemorating a child’s newfound maturity.

A mom who posts parenting tips under the handle of @simplyonpurpose recently shared her unique take on a “Sweet 16,” which she hails as “a birthday tradition that will change your teenager’s life.”

She calls it the “Coming of Age Brunch.”

Rather than having a birthday party with friends, this mom has her child choose a select group of adult mentors who have played a “special part” in the child’s life. These guests are asked to bring letters conveying, in their own words, “what it means to be a strong woman” and sharing special praise for the teen.

The reason is simple: “Children need a village during their adolescent years more than at any other time in their lives,” @simlyonpurpose wrote in her caption. This was a tradition that began with her eldest daughter, who is now 22. Doing it for now the third time, @simplyonpurpose feels confident that “every teenager needs this- a room full of adults that you admire praising you.”

It sounds lovely. Imagine if every girl had this kind of support as they entered an undeniably turbulent stage of life. Sure, maybe the hormonal fluctuations, body image issues, changing friend groups, relationship dramas, and social media challenges would still be there, but perhaps they wouldn’t be quite so all-consuming.

sweet sixteen, birthday, birthday brunch, coming of age, young adulthood, parenting, parenting tip, parenting teens A teen girl getting a hug.Photo credit: Canva

And to be clear, the OP clarified that this was not strictly a girls-only ritual, though she would tweak it slightly for a boy, featuring a “fire pit with roasted hotdogs and marshmallows” and male mentors to share words of wisdom and love.

This is great to hear as well, considering there have been a lot of conversations centered around how a lack of healthy mentors has led many young men to getting “red pilled,” or influenced by misogynistic and radicalized online forums that target lonely or vulnerable boys by offering a sense of belonging.

sweet sixteen, birthday, birthday brunch, coming of age, young adulthood, parenting, parenting tip, parenting teens A teen boy wearing headphones while looking at his phone. Photo credit: Canva

By and large, other parents were totally on board with a “Coming of Age Brunch.” Quite a few were excited to try it out for their own teens.

“This really resonates. 💗 I want to do something similar for my daughter as she turns 17," one person wrote.

"Teens don’t need more preaching. Instead they need trusted adults who model strong values, healthy boundaries, and long-term thinking. That kind of guidance sticks,” added another.

Another added, “I cannot even think of anything that could possibly be a better gift - you just cemented her village. How incredible!”

The proverb “It takes a village” is an extremely popular saying found in many cultures across the world, but it's lately accompanied with the lament that villages are not so easy to come by in the modern world. Maybe by creating new traditions like this, we are able to reclaim that sense of much-needed community. At the very least, young folks don’t have to feel so alone, and that in itself is a great thing.

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