A guy having a collaborative conversation.
The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.
Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.
Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.
How to have a constructive conversation
Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.
The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”
People coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos
When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.
It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.
Phrases you can use to avoid an argument
The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”
Here are some other phrases you can use:
“I wonder if…”
“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”
“I might be wrong, but…”
“How funny! I had a different reaction…”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”
“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”
Two men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos
What's the best way to disagree with people?
A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.
“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.
In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.
It's a good news/bad news situation for parents of young kids.
The good news? Everyone wants to spend time with the kids! Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. They all want a relationship and lots of special moments with the little ones.
The bad news? One phrase:
"When are you bringing them over?"
Parents have been frustrated by the expectations of orchestrating stressful visits for generations — loading the kids in a car or on an airplane only to spend hours chasing them around in an un-baby-proofed environment and watching routines go to hell.
Now they're sounding off on social media and airing their grievances.
Why visiting grandparents and other relatives is so challenging for parents
A mom recently took to Reddit to vent about everyone in her life wanting her to "bring the kids to them."
"My parents live 30 mins away and always bug me about not coming to visit them," she writes. They constantly ask, "Why don't you bring our granddaughter to come see us?"
The fascinating discussion highlights a few things that make arranging visits with young kids a potential nightmare for parents.
Grandparents' houses are rarely childproofed
Grandparents love their breakable decor! Ceramic doo-dads, glass vases everywhere. They can't get enough. And while they should be able to decorate their house however they see fit (they've earned the right!) that doesn't make it a good environment for toddlers and babies.
The breakable decor found in every grandparents' houseozalee.fr/Flickr
"Last week was the last straw, I took my daughter to my parents and of course she went EVERYWHERE! flooded their toilet, broke a vase, and tried multiple times to climb their furniture," the Reddit mom writes.
Parents in a foreign environment are on constant safety duty and can rarely sit down
Let's be honest. Sometimes these "visits" are hardly worth the effort. After all, it's hard to get much catch up time when you're dutifully chasing your kid around.
"They don’t understand that my 3 yo ... is absolutely wild," writes another user in the thread. "She has no self preservation and nothing we do works. She doesn’t listen, she throws, she bites, she refuses to use the potty. It’s exhausting and then ... they expect us to entertain them, when I’m trying to just keep my kid from jumping off the stairs and into an ER visit."
Even just putting the kids in the car for a 20-minute drive is more work than it seems
Taking the kids out of the house requires packing a bag, bringing extra clothes, loading up on snacks, etc.
It seems easy to "pop over" but it actually absorbs the majority of the day between prep, visit, and aftermath.
Naps and routines go to hell
Parents with babies and toddlers know all too well — there is a price to pay for taking the kids out of the house for too long.
Chances are, the baby won't nap in a strange environment and then you're stuck with a cranky kid the rest of the night.
Kids with special needs require even more consistency
Kids with autism or ADHD can really struggle outside of their zone of safety. They might become severely dysregulated, have meltdowns, or engage in dangerous behaviors.
Explaining and mediating the generational divide
Photo by Tim Kilby on Unsplash
Why is this a conflict almost all parents can relate to?
Is this a Boomer vs Millennials thing?
Some experts think that generational values and traditions might play a role.
"Many Boomers were accustomed to more traditional, hierarchical family dynamics, where visiting grandparents was a way for the younger generation to show respect," says Caitlin Slavens, a family psychologist.
But that's not to say this is a new problem. I can remember my own parents driving me and my brothers over an hour to visit my grandparents seemingly every other weekend, but very few occasions where they came to visit us. It must have driven my parents nuts back then!
Plus, it's easy to forget that it's hard for older people to travel, too. They may have their own issues and discomforts when it comes to being away from their home.
"But for today’s parents, balancing careers, kids’ routines, and the demands of modern parenting is a much bigger undertaking. Grandparents might not always see how childproofing their space or making the trip themselves could make a huge difference, especially considering how travel and disruption can impact younger kids' moods and routines," Slavens says.
"So yes, this divide often comes down to different expectations and life experiences, with older generations potentially not seeing the daily demands modern families face."
Is there any hope for parents and grandparents coming to a better understanding, or a compromise?
"First, open conversations help bridge the divide—explain how much of a difference it makes when the kids stay in a familiar space, especially when they’re very young," suggests Slavens.
"Share practical details about the challenges, like childproofing concerns or travel expenses, to help grandparents see it from a parent’s perspective. You might even work together to figure out solutions, like making adjustments to create a more child-friendly space in their home or agreeing on a shared travel plan."
Ultimately, it's a good thing when grandparents, friends, and other relatives want to see the kids.
We all have the same goal.
"It’s helpful to approach the topic with empathy, focusing on everyone’s goal: more quality time together that’s enjoyable and low-stress for everyone involved. For parents, it’s about setting boundaries that work, and for grandparents, it’s about recognizing that flexibility can really show the parents that you are ... willing to make adjustments for their children and grandchildren."
Enjoyable, low-stress quality time — that's something everyone can get behind.
TikTok user alexxx1915 recently posted a short video with the caption: "I just learned the term 'living room family' and I never understood why my kids never played in their rooms when I always did as a kid."
She briefly shows her kids hanging out in the living room with their pet dog and some toys scattered around the floor, before panning to her own face and giving a sort of sentimental look. The simple, ten-second clip struck a huge nerve with parents, racking up over 25 million views and thousands of heartfelt comments.
@alexxx1915 #livingroomfamily #fypシ
What are "living room families" and "bedroom families"?
This idea has been going around for a while on social media.
Simply put, a living room family is a family that congregates in the living room, or any common space in the household. Kids play in the same space where the adults relax — and things are often messy, as a result. Everyone interacts with each other and spends lots of time together. Bedrooms are reserved mostly for sleeping and dressing.
A bedroom family, on the other hand, is where the kids spend more time in their rooms. They play there, watch TV, and maybe even eat meals. Typically, the main rooms of the house are kept neat and tidy — you won't find a lot of toys scattered about — and family time spent together is more structured and planned ahead rather than casual.
"Living room families" has become the latest aspirational term on TikTok. Everyone wants to be a living room family!
The implication of being a bedroom family, or having 'room kids', is that perhaps they don't feel safe or comfortable or even allowed to take up room in the rest of the house, or to be around the adults.
"I remember my brother coming round once and he just sat in silence while watching my kids play in livingroom. After a while he looked at me and said 'It's so nice that your kids want to be around you'" one commenter said on alexxx1915's video.
"I thought my kids hated their rooms 🥺 turns out they like me more" said another.
"You broke a generational curse. Good job mama!" said yet another.
There's so much that's great about having a family that lives out in the open — especially if you were raised feeling like you had to hide in your room.
In my own household, we're definitely a living room family. We're around each other constantly, and the house is often a mess because of it. Learning about this term makes me feel a little better that my kids want to be around us and feel comfortable enough to get their 'play mess' all over the living room.
The mess is a sign of the love and comfort we all share together.
But the big twist is that it's also perfectly fine if your kids — and you! — like a little more solitary time.
Gavyn Alejandro/Unsplash
Being a 'bedroom family' is actually perfectly OK.
There's a similar discourse that took place last year about living room parents vs bedroom parents. The general consensus seemed to be that it was better to be a living room parent, who relaxed out in the open versus taking alone time behind closed doors.
But it really doesn't have to be one or the other, and neither is necessarily better.
Making your kids feel relegated to their room is, obviously, not great. It's not a good thing if they feel like they're not allowed to exist in and play in the rest of the house.
But if they just like hanging out in their room? Nothing wrong with that at all! And same goes for parents.
Alone time is important for parents and kids alike, and everyone needs different amounts of it to thrive.
Kids with certain special needs, like being on the autism spectrum, may be absolutely thrilled to spend lots of time in their rooms, for example.
So are you a living room family or a bedroom family? Turns out, it doesn't really matter, as long as your family loves each other and allows everyone to be exactly who they are.
Dog's unlikely reunion with family after five months in wilderness
Training a family pet can be hard, especially when you have an active breed that needs a certain level of stimulation. Some dogs are good to go after a few training sessions with a local trainer at a pet supply store while others may require more personalized training in home. But there are some pet parents who opt to send their dogs to a sleep away training program that requires the dogs to live at a training facility for several months.
Many times these programs are expensive and used as an option when the other training programs aren't providing the dogs with the skills they need to live safely with their family. The decision to send your fur baby off to a facility for months at a time is not an easy one but with your pets' best interest in mind, you put your faith in someone who specializes in the care your pup needs.
One family thought they were doing what was best for their Huskies by sending them to a training facility. It's unclear what prompted the family's concern after dropping their four dogs off with their trainer but after months of looking for their dogs with no luck, they contacted Anakin's Trails Stray and Pet Recovery Team.
Oakley after being trappedCourtesy of Anakin's Trails Stray and Pet Recovery Team
The dogs are from Ohio where their owner, Andrea lives and were entrusted to an unnamed animal training facility in Greenville County, South Carolina. It is suspected that the training facility dumped the dogs in in the woods without contacting the family to request them to retrieve their beloved pets. Anakin's Trails Stray and Pet Recovery Team uses drones and other techniques to help locate lost dogs and give them an idea of where to place their traps.
The first of the Huskies, Oakley, was recovered by the organization and reunited with Andrea after having spent a whopping five months surviving in the wilderness. When Oakley first spots her human she's clearly unsure of the situation. It almost appears that she's not sure if he will be in trouble or welcomed into Andrea's arms. Anakin's Trails refers to this as "lost dog syndrome," but after a few seconds of uncertainty, the pooch fully recognized her human mom and could not contain his excitement.
Oakley quickly becomes overwhelmed with relief and excitement as she jumps into the chair with Andrea. The newly reunited dog can't stop licking her human and doing full body tail wagging. The sweet Husky mix probably thought things couldn't get much better but Anakin's Trails had more up their sleeves. Just a few days after Oakley was reunited with her family, her sister Marley was captured.
Ashley Raymond, Founder and Director of Anakin's Trails tells Upworthy, "The dogs were dumped/released into the wild about 4-5 months ago," Raymond recalls. "We got involved after the owners found out about them being dumped about a month and a half later [after entering the training facility]. For about a month ,we hung flyers , set food stations with high quality bait with surveillance cameras , and strategically placed them where we got sightings. Before long, we began getting sightings."
Andrea with Oakley after being reunitedCourtesy of Anakin's Trails Stray and Pet Recovery Team
Things were looking up for the agency after the sightings but that's when the south east experienced a beast of a hurricane. Hurricane Helene was massive, hitting Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia making the rescue of these four beloved family pets a bit more difficult. The animal recovery organization didn't give up hope though.
"Then, the hurricane happened and pushed them 16 miles down the road to another town. We basically had to start from scratch in an entire town, and that’s just what we did. After about 2 weeks of that, we finally nailed down the yard where they kept coming," Raymond shares. "This time, we set our custom made kennel trap up. After they came once to it, we set it live the very next night. Around 10:30 that evening, Marley and Oakley walked in! Oakley got trapped, Marley ran off. Two nights later, Marley came back and we trapped her. We called the owner and she came down for the reunion for both on 2 different evenings."
Marley going into the trap to be reunited with familyroar-assets-auto.rbl.ms
According to Anakin's Trails, the third dog, Juno who is the sister of Marley and Oakley is still missing. Their dog mom, Nova Jo has been found but has still not been reunited with her human.
"There is a fourth dog. She was dumped with the other three, but she ran up to someone days after being dumped and was picked up," Raymond says. "SC has a 5 day stray hold unfortunately. So any dog that you find in the state of SC and no one comes forward in 5 days, it’s technically yours. So they are fighting that in court."
Nova JoCourtesy of Anakin's Trails Stray and Pet Recovery Team
The work Anakin's Trails does isn't easy and since it's a nonprofit, they rely on donations, which is how they were able to help provide Andrea a hotel room when she came to be reunited with her dog. Hopefully, all four dogs will be under one roof again and this will be a story that has a book worthy happy ending.
If you'd like to donate to Anakin's Trails Stray and Pet Recovery Team so they can continue their work, you can do so here.
A man trying to learn a new skill.
When you were in school, did you ever dread doing group assignments? Did you feel you’d much rather do the work independently than with a committee where there was always one person who wouldn’t pull their weight?
Well, even though those assignments may have been uncomfortable, there’s a good reason why your teacher put you in a group to write a report on the moons of Jupiter or to explain the lasting consequences of the Gold Rush. The big reason is that, according to neuroscientists, when we learn with others, we encode the information more deeply and feel more motivated to act.
A big reason is that you are discussing the material with others. You are also engaging with the material more actively, and active learning is shown to provide better outcomes.
“We work better when we are in a group, and we can share our ideas and refine our ideas with other people,” said Gillian Roehrig, a University professor in the Department of Curriculum and Instruction, told Minnesota Daily.
Students working on a group project.via Canva/Photos
However, social learning isn’t just something that can benefit us in 3rd-period science; it’s a tactic we can all use to learn anything, whether it’s taking a cooking class in a group setting, going to a Bible study where we exchange ideas with others, or taking flying lessons with a group of future pilots.
So, if there is a skill you’d like to pick up, it’d be best to take it in a class, primarily where you work closely with others, rather than an online class where it’s you and the computer screen.
Why do humans learn better in groups?
NeuroLeadership Institute posits that humans learn better in groups because we have evolved to encode social information automatically. After all, it has always been vital to our survival as individuals and species. “The more we feel connected to the group, the greater our chances of staying safe — and so over time, our brains have become more responsive to what we learn in the presence of a group,” Chris Weller at NueroLeadership Institute writes.
Learning within a group also helps us because we associate the new information with the social interactions that occur while working in the group. The new facts are encoded in our brains alongside memories of shared jokes or debates with another group member, which lead to a deeper understanding.
A group of people learning how to cook.
We are also more likely to go the extra mile in studying the information because of the social pressure to look good in front of the group. That way, social learning works like positive peer pressure, like when people pledge to work on goals together. A study found that you have a 65% chance of completing a goal if you tell someone else you’re committing to it. If you have regular check-ins with a partner, your chance increases to 95%.
According to Cornell University, social earning is also good for self-esteem, exposes people to diverse perspectives and improves higher-level thinking, oral communication and leadership skills.
In a world where more people are taking classes online and working from home, it’s important to remember how important it is to work together. Humans evolved to collaborate, so let’s be sure that as we embrace modern technology, we don’t forget that human connection is one of our greatest strengths.