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Motivation expert explains how two simple words can free you from taking things personally

You don't need to take responsibility for everything and everyone.

mel robbins, locus of control, psychology
via TEDx SF/Flickr and TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robinson making a TED Talk.

Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.

The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control.

“It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”

This idea of giving up control, or the illusion of it, when it does us no good, was perfectly distilled into 2 words that everyone can understand as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video.

“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”

“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.

The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose.

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.

It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” 60DaysToLive2012 wrote.

“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.

The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”


This article originally appeared on 3.4.24

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Education

She fell in love with endangered porpoises at age 7. Now, she's on a mission to save the ocean.

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When Rachel Heimke was seven, she realized what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Little did she know a $40,000 BigFuture Scholarship would help her pursue her dreams.

Heimke and her parents were living an unconventional lifestyle, to say the least. The summer after she completed first grade, she and her parents boarded a sailboat and sailed from their hometown in Alaska down the Pacific Coast. The family would spend the next two years traveling on the water, passing Mexico and then sailing across the world to Australia before returning home. It was on the sailboat, watching whales and dolphins breach the water under their boat, that Heimke realized her life’s purpose.

“I was really obsessed with these little porpoises called Vaquitta, who only live in one tiny area of water off the coast of Mexico,” she recalled. “When I learned about them as a kid, there were only 22 left in the wild. Now, there are only ten.” Despite her interest, Heimke was never able to actually see any Vaquitta on her trip, both because of their inherent shyness and because they were so critically endangered due to detrimental fishing policies in the area. “That was my wakeup call,” she says. “I’ll probably never be able to see this porpoise, and I don’t want that to be true of other species.”

Now a young woman of 23, Heimke is realizing her childhood dream of ocean conservation by recently graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in ocean sciences and enrolling in a grad program in Canada to study science communication. Heimke is well on her way to achieving her childhood dream—but she acknowledges that none of this would have been possible without her ocean adventures as a child, the support of her parents, and significant financial support.

At 18, when Heimke was deciding where to study ocean sciences, she stumbled upon an opportunity from BigFuture, College Board's free college and career planning site. The opportunity was the BigFuture Scholarship, which provided students the chance to win a $40,000 scholarship by completing six action items on the website. Heimke was intrigued, since she didn’t need to provide an essay, her GPA, or any test scores to enter. Her eligibility was also not tied to citizenship status or family income, so she decided to give it a shot.

“One of the action items was just going on the BigFuture site and creating a list of colleges I was interested in,” said Heimke. Another item required her to apply for financial aid through FAFSA—something Heimke was planning to do anyway. Every completed action item gave students more chances to win the scholarship, so Heimke completed all six action items quickly.

Months later, Heimke’s parents ushered her over to a call over Zoom, where she met a BigFuture representative who had some surprising news: She was one of 25 students who had won the $40,000 BigFuture college scholarship. Each year she would receive $10,000 in scholarship funding, which would cover her entire tuition bill for all four years of schooling.

“That experience taught me that it’s really important to not give up on your goals and just go for opportunities,” said Heimke. “I never thought I would win anything, but I’ve learned it's worth applying anyway. Even a small scholarship of $1,000 can pay your rent for a month,” she said. “And If you write an essay that takes an hour and you win $5,000, that’s probably the most money per hour you’ll ever make in your life.”

The tuition money made it possible for her to attend college, and for her to apply to graduate school immediately afterward without any financial burdens.

“Now that I’m in graduate school and paying for rent and a phone bill and graduate school tuition, it’s truly a blessing to not have student loan debt on top of that,” Heimke said. Because of the BigFuture scholarship, Heimke doesn’t need to pay for her graduate program either—she’s able to fund her education with the money her parents saved by not having to pay for her undergraduate degree.

One of the biggest blessings, Heimke said, was not needing to delay graduate school to work or find extra funds. With climate change worsening, entering the workforce becomes increasingly important over time.

“I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do with my degrees, but I hope to have a lot of different jobs that ultimately will work toward saving our ocean,” she said.

As a child, witnessing marine life up close and personal was life-changing. Heimke’s goal is for future generations to have that experience, as she did.

To learn more and get started, visit bigfuture.org/scholarships.

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A woman with a disability gets real about dating and sex. She's funny and honest.

Her candor is delightful, her message is important, and her jokes are great

Photo courtesy of Danielle Sheypuk.

Most people are missing out on a huge portion of the dating pool.


"So just recently I went out on a Match.com date, and it was fantastic," begins Dr. Danielle Sheypuk in her TEDx Talk.

If you've ever been on Match.com, that opening line might make you do a double take. How does one get so lucky?

Before you get too jealous, you should know things quickly went downhill two dates later, as most Match.com dates ultimately do. This time, however, the reason may not be something that you've ever experienced.

Intrigued? I was too. Here's the story.

a photo of Dr. Sheypuk smiling.

Gorgeous!

Photo from Dr. Sheypuk's Instagram account, used with permission.

She's a licensed clinical psychologist, an advocate, and a model — among other things. She's also been confined to a wheelchair since childhood. And that last fact is what did her recent date in.

Over a romantic Italian dinner on their third date, Sheypuk noticed that he was sitting farther away from her than usual. And then, out of nowhere, he began to ask the following questions:

"I've been thinking, how are you gonna be a mother? How are you gonna do the duties that's gonna be required of you? And even as wife — how ... I'm not sure how this is gonna work."

Used to this line of inquiry, she had the perfect quippy reply: "Well that's simple: I'm just gonna hire someone like every other New Yorker."

But despite her witty answer, he'd already made up his mind. She never heard from him again.

"I tried to convince myself that this was like any other relationship, but deep down I knew the reality. Who wants to date someone in a wheelchair?"

Dr. Sheypuk knows that that single question is evidence of a really serious problem—not just on the dating scene, but in society in general.

Society has factored out an entire group of potential romantic partners: people with disabilities.

a glamorous photo of Dr. Sheypuk in her wheelchair.

Talk about a million-dollar smile.

Photo courtesy of Danielle Sheypuk.

In her words:

"We are completely left out of the dating picture. Society, media included, seems to ignore the fact that we have the same emotional needs and desires as everyone else. Is this injustice born out of the concept of the poster child and his or her duty to induce pity to raise money?

Or maybe it's a conclusion drawn from mainstream porn where we have actors performing, like, gymnastic stunts with the stamina that none of us have of bucking broncos and jackrabbits.”

Um, yes. So much yes. She continues:

"The silent message: The more in shape your body, the better the sex. The unspoken conclusion: If you have a disability, you are too sick to have sex.

The silent message: The more in shape your body, the better the sex. The unspoken conclusion: If you have a disability, you are too sick to have sex.

"Now let's look at the continuum in our society where sexual is measured. On the one hand, we have humans that are the ultimate sex appeal object. So on that end, we have Victoria's Secret models, Playboy centerfolds, people like that.

On the complete opposite end, we have people with physical disabilities. And it seems like the more we deviate from this ultimate sex icon, the more desexualized we become, the more taboo the topic, and the more damaging the consequences.

Now, for most people there are quick fixes, right? We have Hair Club for Men, Botox, Spanx, butt implants. But for people with disabilities, there are no quick fixes. There is no magic pill."

And we are hit hard.”

It's important to note, too, that while someone may not be disabled now, it doesn't mean they will never experience or develop a disability. Due to injuries, illnesses, and chronic conditions, research shows that the chances of becoming disabled are startlingly on the rise.

Watch the rest of Dr. Sheypuk's talk to hear her important insights about what dating and relationships are like when a person has a disability—and how much of society is limiting itself.


This article originally appeared nine years ago.

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How Matilda Gage, history's long lost suffragist, inspired the witches of Oz

Her radical views shaped the way we view witches today—and we don't even know it.

Universal Pictures/YouTube, Wikipedia

A feminist icon deemed too radical for society? Sounds pretty witchy, if you ask us.

Part of what makes L. Frank Baum’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, such an enduring story—providing inspiration for countless other books, movies, television shows, musicals and beyond—is its compelling, dynamic, self-possessed female characters…which is all the more impressive when you remember that women weren’t even allowed to vote at the time of Baum writing it.

And yes, while the kind, compassionate, and brave Dorothy is certainly compelling in her own right, we all know that it’s the witches that really leave us spellbound. Both Glinda of the North and the Wicked Witch of the West (or Galinda and Elphaba, for Wicked fans) have given us a lasting image for the complex theme of good and evil.

via GIPHY

But very few know that these witches, or our current views of witches in general, might have never been conjured up in the first place, had it not been for an unsung hero of the 19th-century women’s rights movement, who just so happened to be Baum’s mother-in-law—Matilda Electa Joslyn Gage.

Gage was a suffragette who co-founded National Woman Suffrage Association along with Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. However, unlike her well-known cohorts, Gage was much more outwardly combative. In 1886 she famously showed up to the unveiling of the Statue of Liberty on a cattle barge with a megaphone, shouting that it was “a gigantic lie, a travesty and a mockery” to portray liberty as a woman when actual American women had so few rights.

Unlike Anthony Stanton, Gage also supported the 15th Amendment, and sheltered runaway slaves, and became a beloved ally to local Indigenous tribes, who adopted her as one of their own.

Gage would eventually cut ties with Anthony and Stanton after they aimed to get the support of the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union, an organization which wasn’t as much fighting for women’s rights as it was trying to dismantle the separation of church and state and make America a “dry and moral” country. And instead, she created a new group called the National Women’s Liberal Union.

During her time as an activist, Gage railed against religious leaders and politicians for oppressing women by accusing them of heresy and witchcraft. This is a theme most of us are extremely familiar with, thanks to her.

While writing her revolutionary manifesto Woman, Church and State: The Original Exposé of Male Collaboration Against the Female Sexin1893, Gage became an expert on the centuries long witch-hunts that forced women to be put to death by fire, hanging, torture, drowning or stoning. And she spared no expense when it came to depicting those scenes, or her thoughts about them.

m.media-amazon.com

For example, she wrote about 400 women burning all at once in a French public square “for a crime which never existed save in the imagination of those persecutors and which grew in their imagination from a false belief in woman’s extraordinary wickedness.”

For Gage, the link between religion and oppression was unseverable.

“As soon as a system of religion was adopted which taught the greater sinfulness of women, the saying arose: One wizard for every 10,000 witches, and the persecution for witchcraft became chiefly directed at women.”

And how exactly did Gage’s male critics respond to her message? By calling her a “satanist” and a “heretic.” Thus proving her point, really.

Though Baum didn’t instantly win over his fierce mother-in-law, over the years she did become a spiritual mentor to him, not to mention his muse on multiple levels.

First off, Gage was the one who encouraged Baum to actually write down his whimsical tales in the first place, which previously he only spoke aloud with his children.

Second, Baum was fascinated by her evocative descriptions of witches, and the feminist ideals they represent, which we undoubtedly see in his work. His wizard coerces Dorothy into killing a fellow woman, the Wicked Witch of the West, and then is revealed to be an empty god. And then, through the help of another woman, Glinda the Good Witch, Dorothy learns the power was inside her all along.

Third, Gage introduced Baum to The Theosophical Society, which was basically an amalgamation of Buddhist and Hindu principles that spoke of following life’s golden path to enlightenment and would later be represented by the Yellow Brick Road.

via GIPHY

Lastly, it was Gage who suggested incorporating the tornado that would take Dorothy off to Oz in the first place. Cause how else was she gonna get there?

And to think, none of this show’s up in Gage’s measly 205-word New York Times obituary, stationed below Tiffany & Co. ad which simply credits her for being “one of the earliest champions of woman’s rights in America.” In fact, it wasn’t until new research was found, mostly in the form of newspaper writings by Baum and as unpublished letters from Gage, that people began to link her to his work.

Gage’s unwavering radical views removed her from her rightful place in history, especially due to deliberate actions taken by Susan B. Anthony to distance Gage and her “dangerous” ideas from the suffragist movement altogether. But through the work of her son-in-law, she formed a different kind of legacy—one that continues to inspire women everywhere to click their heels three times and find their own courage, value their empathy, and believe in the power of their own intelligence.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

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Flat Earther visits Antarctica to see if the 24-hour sun is real and has an emotional reaction

Flat Earthers and "globe Earthers" came together for the truth-finding trip of a lifetime.

The Final Experiment/YouTube & Unsplash

Admitting you were wrong is not an easy thing to do for anyone.

Three years ago, a pastor from Colorado named Will Duffy found out that some people believed — still believed — that the Earth was flat. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Hadn't we settled this debate centuries ago?! Not only was the debate continuing to rage on, but it was incredibly divisive and was part of a doorway to discredit even more crucial science.

He decided to take it upon himself to end the questions, once and for all. How? By taking a trip to Antarctica.

Duffy devised a project called The Final Experiment, in which he invited prominent "flat Earthers" along with a crew of "globe Earthers" to explore the most remote climate on the planet — together.

In a flat Earth model, Antarctica is usually depicted as an ice wall that encircles the rest of the planet. Sometimes, it's shown as its own distinct continent. However, by visiting Antarctica in the summer, the team would be able to see Antarctica's famous 24-hour sun, or midnight sun, up close and personal.

Flat Earthers, crucially, do not typically believe that a 24-hour sun is possible. In their models, the sun would rise and set in Antarctica the same way it does everywhere else. The existence of midnight sun would, if not outright prove, at least heavily suggest, that Earth is a tilted sphere.

(Of course, there are already mountains of evidence and data that show the Earth is a sphere — and plenty of documentation of the existence of midnight sun. But never mind that for now.)

Duffy reached out to several big-name flat Earthers, and many declined to take the trip. But he was able to get a handful of brave explorers on board. The group flew deep into the interior of Antarctica, landing on an ice runway near Union Glacier Camp.

Will Duffy and his crew live-streamed the whole thing on YouTube via Starlink. The video begins at midnight, with the sun high in the sky — an absolutely stunning sight for many on the expedition. Duffy then allows each member of the team to share their thoughts on the journey and their observations.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Jeran Campanella, one of the most prominent flat Earthers on YouTube, spoke from the heart: "Sometimes, you are wrong in life."

"I thought there was no 24-hour sun, in fact I was pretty sure of it," he said bluntly after observing it with his own eyes. "It's a fact. The sun does circle you in the south. What does it mean? You guys are gonna have to figure that out yourselves."

He stopped short of definitively admitting that the Earth is a sphere, but he did confess that the Azimuthal equidistant map — the most popular flat earth model — no longer makes sense in his mind based on what he saw in Antarctica.

"I realize I'll be called a shill for saying that. And you know what, if you're a shill for being honest, so be it. I honestly believed there was no 24 hour sun, I honestly now believe there is. There it is," he said.

It seems silly, since most of us can acknowledge that a spherical Earth is settled science. But by making this admission on camera, Jeran risked losing his audience, his credibility in his community, and even his livelihood as a content creator with nearly 200,000 followers.

It took courage to finally admit that he was wrong.

"Respect for Jeran. He sounded shaken and he knows he's going to [receive] backlash," wrote a commenter on Youtube.

"I'm quite impressed by Jeran. He chokes up and was quite emotional, clearly this was a deep seated belief of his and he handled being proven wrong with grace. good for him," said another.

Why is it so hard for us to let go of deeply held beliefs? Beliefs aren't always logical decisions, but emotional ones.

A flat earth mapBy Strebe - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0

Our identities and our sense of self get so tied up into what we believe. Belief in a conspiracy theory might start as genuine curiosity or confusion but quickly spiral into much more.

People even make good friends and meet romantic partners inside of communities based on their beliefs, so to let go of that is deeply threatening to our psyches.

"Our ego, or sense of self, finds comfort in our various identities. Just as we have fight, flight, or freeze instincts to protect our physical well-being, we defend our psychological sense of self when our various identities are threatened. This is why if someone makes fun of our favorite football team, city, state, country, music artist, political party, hero, religion, ideas, and so on, we feel a surge of emotion to defend them," writes Mike Brooks for Psychology Today.

Even when we see the truth with our own eyes, it can be hard to accept.

"I think what matters most is putting our egos aside," Lisbeth, another flat Earther that accompanied The Final Experiment to Antarctica. "Are we here for truth, or are we here to hold onto narrative and ego?"

Some people just need to see things with their own eyes to believe. And putting your most deeply-held beliefs on the line and going into new situations with an open mind, knowing core pieces of your identity may not hold up to scrutiny, is admirable — no matter what the rest of us might think about the validity of those beliefs.

Mark Herman, who also went on the voyage, said, "Who would have thought? Two groups of people who are so opposed in belief and ideology to the point where there's ridicule, there's shame, all kinds of horrible things, but when they come together, there's so much camaraderie and teamwork between people. I'm very thankful to be a part of it."

Watch the full video and I think you'll be surprised by how much beauty there is in this project, not only in the breathtaking Antarctic landscape and the wonder of never-ending sunshine, but in the humanity and vulnerability on display from each of the participants.

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Tired of 'hacks?' Here are 20 of the best life tips sourced from 21.9 million real people.

All of them are simple and practical. A few might just change your life.

via Arjun Mahadevan/Twitter

Arjun Mahadevan's life pro tip Twitter thread

Arjun Mahadevan gave the world a gift when he crowdsourced the best “life pro tips” from nearly 22 million people. He shared the top 20 in a Twitter thread that’s got over 619,000 views. Mahadevan sourced the tips from the Life Pro Tips subforum on Reddit, which has been running since 2010.

Mahadevan is the CEO of doolaHQ which he calls the “business-in-a-box” for LLCs.

Mahadevan labeled his advice “20 life tips you wish you knew when you were 20,” but they are helpful for everyone regardless of age. They’re useful for anyone who is in a relationship, has a job, or wants to stay sane in an aggravating world.

Many ideas involve reframing how we judge others to see them with more compassion. Mahadevan also has some advice for professionals to prevent them from making embarrassing mistakes or wasting other people’s time.

Sometimes the simplest change in behavior or perspective can drastically affect our lives. Here are Arjun Mahadevan’s 20 life tips you wish you knew when you were 20:

1. "If you’re stuck on an annoying call, put your phone on airplane mode instead of just hanging up. The other person will see 'call failed' instead of 'call ended.'"

2. "When you sign up for anything online, put the website’s name as your middle name. That way when you receive spam/advert emails, you will know who sold your info."

3. "Always tell a child who is wearing a helmet how cool you think their helmet is. It will encourage them to always wear it in the future."

4. "When you don't have all the facts, try to give people the most generous reason you can for their behavior. Annoyingly slow driver? Maybe it's a mom with a birthday cake in the back. This mindset will gradually make you less reactive and more compassionate."

5. "Do not try to be the man your father would want you to be. Be the man you would like your son to be. It more clearly defines your own convictions, desires, goals and motivates you to be your best."

6. "When a friend is upset, ask them one simple question before saying anything else: 'Do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted from it?'"

7. "After a bad breakup, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back."

8. "Before you give your child a unique name, try it out first. Use it on food orders, reservations, appointments where applicable, etc. It’ll give you a glimpse of what they’ll deal with when they’re older and could prevent future issues."

9. "If you need to cancel a hotel reservation but are unable to because of a 24-hour policy, call the company and move your reservation to a later date. Call back within a few days and cancel for no charge."

10. "If you tell someone you need to talk to them, for the love of God give some indication of what you need to talk about, or at least that it's not bad news."

11. "Never send a work email when you’re emotionally compromised. Type it up, save it as a draft, and walk away. Ideally, sleep on it. You’ll make a smarter choice when you're not heated."

12. "Don't just let kids win at games. You can slow it down, you can teach them strategy, but keep it real. Someday, they will beat you fair and square, and it will be a moment they always remember with pride."

13. "When cooking things on aluminum foil, first scrunch the foil up, then lay it loosely flat again out on your baking tray. The juices will stay put—and the food will not stick to the foil half as much, if at all."

14. "If you think of a good idea, write it down. Your brain will try to trick you into thinking you will remember it later, but it's a liar! Therefore: Write it down!"

15. "It takes 4 minutes a day and almost no cost to maintain dental hygiene. It takes a lifetime and a lot of money to correct it. 2-minute brush and mouthwash in the AM, 2-minute brush and floss in the PM."

16. "Don’t wait until you have 'time' to start a fitness program. Because then when you get busy again, you’ll stop. The best time to start is actually when you’re busy. Learning how to fit it in when times are tough means you’ll stick with it over the long haul."

17. "When using text messages or IMs for business, say everything you need to say in the first message. Don’t just say 'hi' or 'hey' or 'are you there' or 'are you busy.'"

18. "Instead of feeling that you've blown the day and thinking, 'I'll get back on track tomorrow, think of each day as a set of four quarters:

• Morning• Midday• Afternoon• Evening

If you blow one quarter, you get back on track for the next quarter."

19. "Many problems in marriage are really just problems with being a bad roommate. Learn how to be a good roommate, and it will solve many of the main issues that plague marriages. This includes communicating about something bothering you before you get too angry."

20. "Ask yourself 'what does it matter to me' the next time you find yourself judging someone for their clothing or hobbies. The more you train yourself to not care about the personal preferences of other people, the more relaxed and nicer you become as a person."

This article originally appeared last year.

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Family

Mom shares how to respond to an apology confidently. It's great advice for kids and adults.

Sometimes, "It's okay," just isn't okay.

via Canva/Photos

A man asking a woman for forgiveness

Yasmina Elmerkaoui, a beauty influencer and founder of Merkau, is getting a lot of love on TikTok because she reminds everyone that there is more than one way to respond to an apology. Sometimes, all you have to do is say, “Thank you.” If you were the one who was wronged, why does someone get to control your reaction just because they apologized?

Her thoughts were eye-opening to many people conditioned to give a knee-jerk “It’s okay” response when someone apologizes, even though what they ask forgiveness for probably isn’t “okay.” Elmerkaoui shared her thoughts on a September 2024 episode of the “Hanging for More” podcast she hosts with Maggie Younan.

What's the best way to respond to an apology?

“I’ve taught my kids to say, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’ rather than, ‘That’s OK,’ because the behavior isn’t OK,” Elmerkaoui says. “The apology is welcomed, so it also draws a line and reminds you, no, no, no, that isn’t OK.”

@hangingformorepodcast

How to respond to “sorry” 🙏

Elmerkaoui’s response provides a solid distinction between thanking someone for admitting they were wrong without going so far as condoning their actions. The “thank you” response is also a way to prevent people from acting out of line again. If you tell someone their bad behavior is “okay, " they are more likely to do it again, causing a terrible cycle of poor behavior and apologies. “It reminds everyone else in their life as well that the apology is welcome, but the behavior isn’t okay and I won’t accept it,” she continues.

Elmerkaoui doesn’t expect an “It’s okay” even from her own son because she believes it teaches him poor boundaries. “They say the same to me, like, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’” she goes on. “I’ll even pull them up if they say, ‘That’s okay.’ Noah, especially, he’s such a mama’s boy, he’s like, ‘Mom, that’s okay, you did nothing wrong.’ And I’m like, “No, I did.”


“This is so important. It’s not ok to mistreat others and hide behind an apology. It becomes a cycle,” Rafaela wrote in the comments. “There’s power in saying ‘I forgive you’ too when you genuinely do, but absolutely never ‘it’s fine,’” Allison added.

Some people had never even considered simply saying thank you. “Why have I never thought of this? I've been actively thinking of what a better response would be. I'm trying to stop saying "it's okay,’” Kaitlin wrote.

Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh, agrees with Elmerkaoui’s approach but stresses that we respond to the apology authentically. “It’s important to be genuine without being hostile,” says Schumann. “Research shows that using a ‘constructive voice’ — where you voice your concerns in a positive, calm way — is the most effective way to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending to forgive when you’re not ready are not going to fix the problem.”

Yasmina Elmerkaoui’s simple yet powerful apology approach brought up a meaningful conversation about authenticity and boundaries. Her advice to shift from saying “It’s okay” to “Thank you” encourages a healthier dynamic that doesn’t condone bad behavior but places a high value on accountability. It acknowledges the hurt while bringing things to a sincere resolution. Elmerkaoui’s advice reminds us that we may not be able to control how people treat us, but we have complete power over how we respond.

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