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A mom describes her tween son's brain. It's a must-read for all parents

"Sometimes I just feel really angry and I don’t know why."

A mom describes her tween son's brain. It's a must-read for all parents


It started with a simple, sincere question from a mother of an 11-year-old boy.

An anonymous mother posted a question to Quora, a website where people can ask questions and other people can answer them. This mother wrote:

How do I tell my wonderful 11 year old son, (in a way that won't tear him down), that the way he has started talking to me (disrespectfully) makes me not want to be around him (I've already told him the bad attitude is unacceptable)?

It's a familiar scenario for those of us who have raised kids into the teen years. Our sweet, snuggly little kids turn into moody middle schoolers seemingly overnight, and sometimes we're left reeling trying to figure out how to handle their sensitive-yet-insensitive selves.


Jo Eberhardt, a fantasy writer and mother of two from Australia, penned a reply that is so spot on that it keeps repeatedly popping up on social media. When you nail it, you nail it—and this mother nails it.

"Ah, puberty," she wrote, "It changes our sweet, wonderful little boys into sweet, eye-rolling, angsty, accidentally disrespectful, but still wonderful young proto-men." Yup.

Eberhardt then described a discussion she had with her 11 1/2 -year-old son when he started going through this stage—a conversation they had in the car, which is usually the best place to have potentially uncomfortable discussions with kids.

She told her son that she'd messed up in the way she'd talked to him about puberty, then explained exactly what was happening in his brain.

“I've spent all this time talking to you about the way puberty changes your body," Eberhardt told her son, "and what to expect as you go through the changes, but I completely forgot to talk to you about what's going on in your brain right now. Puberty is the time when your brain grows and changes more than at any other time in your life — well, except for when you're a baby, perhaps. So I really let you down by not preparing you for that. I'm so sorry."

Her son accepted her apology, then asked why is his brain was changing.

“That's the amazing thing," she told him. "Did you know that your brain grew and developed so quickly when you were little that by the time you were about five or six, your brain was almost as big and powerful as an adult's brain?"

"But here's the thing," she continued, "Even though your brain was super powerful, the instructions were for a child's brain. And all the information about building an adult's brain was a bit… let's say fuzzy. So your brain did the best it could, but it didn't really know what kind of person you were going to be back then, or what shape brain you were going to need."

“Now we come to puberty," she went on. "See, puberty is amazing. Not only is your body being transformed from a child's body to an adult's body, your brain has to be completely rewritten from a child's brain to an adult's brain."

“That sounds hard," her son responded.

“Yeah, it is," Eberhardt replied. “That's why I wish I'd warned you first. See, it takes a lot of energy to completely rewrite a brain. That's one of the reasons you get tired quicker at the moment — and that, of course, manifests in you being crankier and less patient than normal."

Eberhardt paused, then added, “That must be really frustrating for you."

Her son looked over at her, wiping his eyes. “It is," he responded. Sometimes I just feel really angry and I don't know why."

It's amazing what happens when we explain to kids the physiological reasons for what they're going through.

Eberhardt continued, “The other thing is that one of the first parts of your brain that gets super-sized to be like an adult is the amygdala. That's the part that controls your emotions and your survival instincts. You know how we've talked about fight/flight/freeze before, and how sometimes our brains think that being asked to speak in public is the same level of threat as being attacked by a sabre tooth tiger?"

Her son laughed. “Yes. So you have to tell your brain that there's no sabre tooth tiger to help you calm down."

“That's right," Eberhardt replied. "Well, that's what the amygdala looks after: sabre tooth tiger warnings and big emotions. So, the thing with puberty is that all of a sudden you've got an adult-sized amygdala hitting all your emotion buttons and your sabre-tooth tiger buttons. That must be really hard for you to manage."

Her son nodded and said, “Sometimes I don't know why I say the things I do. They just come out, and then I feel bad."

This is the moment where what a parent says can make or break a kid's spirit. But Eberhardt handled it with empathy and expertise.

“I know, Sweetheart," she said before explaining:

“See, the last part of your brain that gets rewritten is right at the front of your head. It's called the frontal cortex. And that's the part of your brain that's good at decision making and understanding consequences. So you've got this powerful adult amygdala hitting you with massive emotions, but you've still got a fuzzy child frontal cortex that can't make decisions or understand consequences as quickly as the amygdala wants you to. It pretty much sucks."

“So it's not my fault?" her son asked.

“No, it's puberty's fault your brain works the way it does," Eberhardt answered. "But that doesn't mean it's not your responsibility to recognise what's going on and change your actions. It's not easy, but it's not impossible, either. Your feelings are your feelings, and they're always okay. But you get to choose your actions. You get to choose what you do with your feelings. And, when you make a mistake, you get to choose to apologise for that mistake and make amends."

Eberhardt said she then paused for dramatic effect. “That's how you prove that you're becoming an adult."

It's also remarkable what happens when we empathize and communicate with our kids instead of simply chastising them.

Her son responded with a perfectly understandable and relatable, “Puberty sucks."

“Puberty absolutely sucks," Eberhardt responded. “I'm not in your head, but I can only imagine that it's a mess of confusion and chaos, and you don't know from one minute to the next how you feel about things."

Her son looked at her in surprise. “Yes! Exactly!"

“If it's confusing for you living inside there," Eberhardt continued, "imagine how confusing it is for me, when I only see your actions."

“That must be really confusing," her son agreed.

She nodded. “Do you know what that means?"

“What?"

“It means sometimes I'm going to make mistakes. Sometimes I'm going to get upset at things you do because I don't understand what's going on in your head. Sometimes I'm going to forget that you're halfway to being a man, and accidentally treat you like a child. Sometimes I'm going to expect more from you than you're able to give. This is my first time parenting someone through puberty, and I'm going to make mistakes. So can I ask you a favour?"

“What is it?"

“Can you just keep telling me what's going on in your head? The more we talk, the easier it will be for both of us to get through this puberty thing unscathed. Yeah?"

“Yeah," her son said.

When we let our kids know that we're going through these various phases together, it's easier to work with them instead of against them.

Eberhardt said they "had a cuddle" before they got out of the car. She also said this conversation didn't magically make her son always speak respectfully or make her remember that he's not a little boy anymore. However, it did open up lines of communication and gave them a shared language to use.

For example, she wrote, "He knows what I mean when I say, 'Sweetheart, I'm not a sabre tooth tiger.'"

Ebehardt wrapped up her excellent answer by saying that she and her son are "muddling through this crazy puberty thing" together, and that she's "completely confident that he'll come out the other end a sweet, wonderful young man."

It's always so helpful to see examples of good parenting in action. Ms. Eberhardt's response is something all parents can tuck away for the appropriate time. It's also a great reminder that our tweens aren't trying to try us—they're just trying to get used to their new and improved brains.


This story originally appeared on 1.05.19



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Modern Families

Mom calls out unfair 'double standard' of boomer grandparents who don't help with childcare

"I love my mom dearly, but I'm surprised at how little effort she puts in."

via Canva/Photos

A stressed mom and her happy, busy parents.

As far as generational stereotypes go, baby boomers (1946 to 1964) have often been accused of being a self-absorbed generation that has had no problem hoarding wealth, disregarding the environment, and prioritizing their own interests over their families. After all, they’re the generation that predominantly raised Gen X (1965 to 1980) and older millennials ('80s babies), also known as Gen Goonie, who were the least parented group of people in decades.

It’s unfair to paint an entire generation with the same brush. Still, the people who were once called the “Me Generation” are developing a reputation for being less involved in their grandchildren’s lives than their parents. The different grandparenting styles have been attributed to the fact that boomers worked longer and therefore want to enjoy their retirement. They also have more money than their parents to enjoy traveling and pursuing their hobbies. Those looking to take shots at boomers claim that they didn’t put a lot of effort into raising their kids, so why would they be any different with their grandkids?

boomers, grandparents, absentee grandparents, milennials, grandpa, grandmaBaby boomer grandparents.via Canva/Photos

A mother of one, who goes by TheCalmQuail on Mumsnet (a UK-based mothers' forum), made a controversial post, calling out a significant double standard when it comes to boomers. They had no problem having their parents help raise their kids, but they don’t want to extend the same courtesy to their children.

“It's come up in a few conversations with other parents recently about how little time their parents spend with their children, especially in comparison to when they were younger and at their grandparents' daily,” CalmQuail wrote. “Myself included, I avoided nursery completely when my mother went back to work because free daily childcare from a relative, and some of my happiest regular memories are spending regular one-on-one time with my Nana.”

“I realise grandparents are entitled to their own lives, but the lack of help does seem like double standards, when a large majority have seemingly had so much help themselves,” she continued.

stressed mom, young mom, stressed millennial, woman hands on her head, woman on couchA stressed mom with her head in her hands.via Canva/Photos

CalmQuail added that her mother lives up the road from her but still finds excuses not to help our child or even spend time with her kid. “It often feels like she's an extra toddler, as I have to suggest stuff to tempt her to do anything together; I manage the logistics, drive her there, etc. She will be there for emergency childcare requests when possible,” she continued. At the end of her post, she asked whether she was being unreasonable for thinking that her parents should put as much effort into raising their grandchildren as they had put into raising their parents.

The verdict: 68% thought she was NOT being unreasonable, and 32% felt that she was being unreasonable. Therefore, a majority of parents on the forum believe that Baby Boomers have the same responsibility to their grandchildren as the Silent Generation (1928 to 1945) did to theirs.

Many parents on the forum have experienced similar situations with their boomer parents and have given them a little grace by acknowledging that their grandparents didn’t have many resources or retirement expectations, so they dedicated their energy to their families.

stressed woman, tired mom, woman doing laundry, woman needs help, crying woman, folding laundryA stressed mom doing laundry.via Canva/Photos

“I know this will turn into a boomer bashing thread but my experience is my parents and their friends are early retirees with a fair bit of cash and feel they’ve earnt a nice easy long comfortable retirement (they have worked hard but only the same as us except we can’t afford a nanny, cleaner etc like they did…).so they’re busy on holidays, golfing, socialising,” a commenter wrote. “My grandparents were typical of their generation—very hard working, modest life, and incredibly family orientated, they had us every holiday.”

“I don’t think my grandparents had much in the way of expectations of retirement,” another commenter added. “They retired relatively early by today’s standards, and lived far longer than they expected. There wasn’t much of a sense of ‘enjoying your retirement’ by jetting off around the world or pursuing personal hobbies - they were always there and available.”

Ultimately, there’s nothing wrong with baby boomers enjoying their retirement, but their children have a right to feel a bit miffed by the shift in grandparenting priorities. As times change, so do expectations, but why does it feel like younger people are always getting the short end of the stick when it comes to life's necessities, such as childcare and the cost of living? Unfortunately, so many younger people feel like they have to go it alone. However, kudos to the boomer grandparents who do help out with childcare, just as their parents did. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child, and these days, our villages need to be growing instead of shrinking.

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Joy

In 1997, Fred Rogers had A-listers in tears while receiving his lifetime achievement Emmy

"I never considered myself a TV star. I always thought I was a neighbor who just came in for a visit."

via The Emmy Awards/YouTube

Fred Rogers accepts his Lifetime Achievement Award.

Fred Rogers, known by children of all ages as Mister Rogers, was a gentle, humble man who taught the values of kindness, empathy, creativity, patience, self-worth, and curiosity on television for over 33 years. In 1997, he was honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Emmy Awards. That night, he demonstrated his trademark humility, also showing that gentle spirits can exude a sense of authority that even the wealthiest and most powerful people in the world respect without question.

The award was presented to Rogers by actor Tim Robbins, three years after the release of The Shawshank Redemption. In his introduction, he referred to Rogers as “the best neighbor any of us has ever had.” He also praised him for “giving generation upon generation of children confidence in themselves. For being their friend. For telling them again and again and again that they are special and that they have worth.”

When Rogers took the stage, he didn’t thank his agent or pat himself on the back for all the hard work he had done. No, he asked the successful people in the room to reflect on the individuals who had helped them achieve their success.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

“So many people have helped me to come here to this night. Some of you are here, some are far away, and some are even in Heaven,” he told the audience. “All of us have special ones who loved us into being. Would you just take, along with me, 10 seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are, those who cared about you and wanted what was best for you in life? Ten seconds, I’ll watch the time. Whomever you’ve been thinking about, how pleased they must be to know the difference you feel they have made.”

Without any reservations, the audience, composed of actors, producers, soap opera stars, and talk show hosts, did precisely what Mr. Rogers asked of them, and for 10 seconds, on national TV before an audience of millions, they quietly reflected.

george w. bush, fred rogers, medal of freedom, mister rogers, presidents, bush 2, neighborsPresident George W. Bush presents the Presidential Medal of Freedom Award to Fred Rogers July 9, 2002via The White House/Wikimedia Commons

He also added that those who helped and encouraged the people in the room to achieve their current status are the ones we should be celebrating. “Whomever you've been thinking about, how pleased they must be to know the difference you feel they've made. You know they're the kind of people television does well to offer our world,” Rogers said.

Subtly, Rogers' remarks suggest that he believes television programming has a responsibility to help and encourage people, implying that television doesn’t always live up to these standards. He didn’t call anyone out. He wasn’t preachy. He just highlighted those who make a positive contribution to the world. Few people in entertainment could make that statement to those people but Mister Rogers.

king friday, mister rogers, fred rogers, pbs, children's tv, mister rogers neighborhoodKing Friday XIII and Fred Rogers. via HuffPo/Wikimedia Commons

Rogers concluded his speech with thanks to those who had helped him throughout his career. "Special thanks to my family and friends, and to my co-workers in public broadcasting, Family Communications, and this Academy for encouraging me, allowing me all these years to be your neighbor," he finished, adding, "May God be with you. Thank you.”

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Science

The 'world's slowest experiment,' going for nearly 100 years, is still endlessly fascinating

It takes nearly a decade for one drop of this liquid to fall.

upload.wikimedia.org

John Mainstone was the custodian of the Pitch Drop Experiment for 52 years.

Because we use water all the time, most of us have an intuitive sense of how long it takes a drop of water to form and fall. More viscous liquids, like oil or shampoo or honey, drop more slowly depending on how thick they are, which can vary depending on concentration, temperature and more. If you've ever tried pouring molasses, you know why it's used as a metaphor for something moving very slowly, but we can easily see a drop of any of those liquids form and fall in a matter of seconds.

But what about the most viscous substance in the world? How long does it take to form a falling drop? A few minutes? An hour? A day?

How about somewhere between 7 and 13 years?

pitch drop experiment, tar pitch, solid or liquid, physics, world's longest experimentPitch moves so slowly it can't be seen to be moving with the naked eye until it prepares to drop. Battery for size reference.John Mainstone/University of Queensland

The Pitch Drop Experiment began in 1927 with a scientist who had a hunch. Thomas Parnell, a physicist at the University of Queensland in Australia, believed that tar pitch, which appears to be a solid and shatters like glass when hit with a hammer at room temperature, is actually a liquid. So he set up an experiment that would become the longest-running—and the world's slowest—experiment on Earth to test his hypothesis.

Parnell poured molten pitch it into a funnel shaped container, then let it settle and cool for three years. That was just to get the experiment set up so it could begin. Then he opened a hole at the bottom of the funnel to see how long it would take for the pitch to ooze through it, form a droplet, and drop from its source.

It took eight years for the first drop to fall. Nine years for the second. Those were the only two drops Parnell was alive for before he passed away in 1948.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

In total, there have been nine pitch drops in the University of Queensland experiment. The first seven drops fell between 7 and 9 years apart, but when air conditioning was added to the building after the seventh drop, the amount of time between drops increased significantly. The drops in 2000 and 2014 happened approximately 13 years after the preceding one. (The funnel is set up as a demonstration with no special environmental controls, so the seasons and conditions of the building can easily affect the flow of the pitch.)

The next drop is anticipated to fall sometime in the 2020s.

pitch drop experiment, tar pitch, solid or liquid, physics, world's longest experimentThe first seven drops fell around 8 years apart. Then the building got air conditioning and the intervals changed to around 13 years.RicHard-59

Though Parnell proved his hypothesis well before the first drop even fell, the experiment continued to help scientists study and measure the viscosity of tar pitch. The thickest liquid substance in the world, pitch is estimated to be 2 million times more viscous than honey and 20 billion times the viscosity of water. No wonder it takes so ridiculously long to drop.

One of the most interesting parts of the Pitch Drop Experiment is that in the no one has ever actually witnessed one of the drops falling at the Queensland site. The drops, ironically, happen rather quickly when they do finally happen, and every time there was some odd circumstance that kept anyone from seeing them take place.

The Queensland pitch drop funnel is no longer the only one in existence, however. In 2013, Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland, managed to capture its own pitch drop on camera. You can see how it looks as if nothing is happening right up until the final seconds when it falls.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Today, however, with the internet and modern technology, it's likely that many people will be able to witness the next drop when it happens. The University of Queensland has set up a livestream of the Pitch Drop Experiment, which you can access here, though watching the pitch move more slowly than the naked eye can detect is about as exciting as watching paint dry.

But one day, within a matter of seconds, it will drop, hopefully with some amount of predictability as to the approximate day at least. How many people are going to be watching a livestream for years, waiting for it to happen?

PoorJohn Mainstone was the custodian of the experiment for 52 years, from 1961 to 2013. Sadly, he never got to witness any of the five drops that took place during his tenure. Neither did Parnell himself with the two that took place while he was alive.

John Mainstone, pitch drop experiment, university of queensland, physicsJohn Mainstone, the second custodian of the Pitch Drop Experiment, with the funnel in 1990.John Mainstone, University of Queensland

Sometimes science is looks like an explosive chemical reaction and sometimes it's a long game of waiting and observing at the speed of nature. And when it comes to pitch dripping through a funnel, the speed of nature is about as slow as it gets.


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Parenting

Parents share why it's better for children to face danger than to be raised sheltered

"There will come a day when you’re not around and curiosity or peer pressure will get the best of them."

Photo by Derek Owens on Unsplash

Parents share 'unpopular opinion' on letting kids take risks and experience danger.

Parents are theirs kids' protectors. Keeping kids safe while also teaching and exposing them to some of life's hardest lessons is a delicate balance.

Parents Andy and Aza (@raisingwellskids) have decided to raise their two kids with a more unconventional parenting idea: they believe that by allowing their kids to be exposed to more risks and danger, it will keep them safe in the long run. It's an 'unpopular opinion' they explain will benefit their kids and others, and they decided to share more about it in an insightful Instagram post.

In the video, one of their kids is lighting a fire on his own without any parental assistance. "Unpopular opinion but equipping kids with the tools, resources and confidence to handle these things is safer than sheltering kids from all possible dangers," they captioned the post.

In the video, they explain that this way of parenting allows their kids more autonomy, experience, and freedom. In turn, it encourages their kids to make wiser decisions on their own.

"Because there will come a day when you’re not around and curiosity or peer pressure will get the best of them," they add in the caption. "There will come a day when they climb too high, or wander too far. There will come a day where they’re exposed to sharp things. The day will always come. And the ones who have been shown safe boundaries and empowered with the skills will be more equipped to handle these situations *safely*."

They go on to share that their goal is to do the opposite of shelter their kids to promote safety. "Exposing kids to risk is *safer* than sheltering kids from risks," the in-video caption reads. "A child who has been taught how to handle a knife, light a fire, given tools trusted to follow directions, and trusted to handle situations *safely* is less likely to get hurt than children sheltered from those risks."

Many viewers agreed with their parenting theory in the comment section. "The lack of risk in children's play and day to day life has had a profound effect on society. Raise kids to know how to handle dangerous situations!" one wrote. Another said, "Age appropriate and supervised. Life skills are important. Raising competent and confident people is a parent’s job."

Other parents shared how they have instilled the same philosophy in their children. "My 3-year old can successfully make scrambled eggs on her own with supervision. She knows all about the importance of not touching hot pans and stove tops. It's so important to expose kids to this stuff and teach them how to handle it 🙌🏽," one wrote.

Another added, "Amen. 🙌 I also think if kids are shown how to do things safely then there is less attraction for them to do those things on their own without permission or guidance, which would be less safe. My daughter just turned 3 and has her own kitchen knives. They’re not very sharp, but she’s learning how to use them safely."

Another viewer shared, "When I allow my child to do something risky around me and I hear people saying not to allow her to do it or to be careful. I say this, my child will do this at some point around me or not, so I'd rather her experience, learn, and get familiar with me around first."

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Humor

Woman asks friends to bring gossip to her party instead of gifts, and wow, did they deliver

The 'tea' party brought people together from all walks of life.

Canva Photos

Everyone brought their own tea.

As you start to get older, it's inevitable that your birthday begins to lose a bit of luster. Sometimes it's because of the other things you have going on in life. Parents usually focus more on their kids' birthdays and holidays, so their own birthdays become a bit of an afterthought. Others just get tired of doing the same kind of things year after year: throwing an unimaginative party to celebrate getting a year older. Yay, I guess? There's also the small matter of our diverse relationships. Most of us have different friend groups, family, in-laws—what are we supposed to do? Mix them all together in an awkward stew of forced small talk?

And let's not even get started on presents. What does a 30- or 40-something-year-old really need when it comes to birthday presents? Maybe something meaningful or thoughtful from a spouse or a close loved one, but certainly most adults have no desire for all their friends to shower them with random gifts they don't want, need, or could buy themselves.

One woman, Liz Migliaccio, decided to reimagine the grown-up birthday party. For her 36th, she invited all her family and close friends and asked them, in lieu of gifts, to bring something far more interesting.

Migliaccio and her wife, Cayla DeRegis, recounted the invitation to Newsweek:

"For my birthday...join me for some cozy wine and please come tell me your insane co-worker gossip or how your boss is the worst," it read. "Regale me with your salacious romantic encounter or unhinged dating story. Get really detailed about someone else's business and we can full form opinions that no one asked for. I'm 36—the world's hottest age and hot people like hot gossip."

It was a clever way of throwing an entertaining party with family and friends from all walks of life, all while giving the strangers in attendance good icebreakers with one another. As seen in a now-viral TikTok from DeRegis, guests took turns spilling their juiciest bit of tea. The party go-ers are absolutely rapt as you can see in the clip:

@cayladeregis

the greatest gift there is ☕️

11 million people watched the video on TikTok, with commenters unanimously agree: The 'tea party' was absolutely genius.

In the interview with Newsweek, Migliaccio said the best story of the night came from a guest who attended a wedding that never happened.

"A friend of a friend went to a family wedding a while back," Migliaccio said. "[She] had to go buy a long-sleeve dress for the wedding. As the receipt is being printed out, she gets a text that the ceremony is being called off, and instead, the bride and groom are just going to 'celebrate their relationship. ... They got there and found out the bride and her family weren't coming anymore so it ended up just being a celebration of him. My friend said it was the most over-the-top, beautiful wedding she'd ever been to but there was no bride."

gossip, gossip girl, leighton meester, rumors, storytelling, entertainment, dramaThis explains the popularity of Gossip GirlGiphy

Other guests brought stories of dramatic breakups and relationship scandal. Others brought their best watercooler gossip from work. Every single person in attendance was entertained. So were the viewers and commenters on TikTok:

"In this economy this is the best gift to bring"

"I can feel how HEAVY the tea is through the screen"

"You know it’s crazy tea when people have empty glasses but are INVESTED in the story"

"I LOVE this concept- this would make me want to go to a party ... just be messy and then go home to my drama free life"

Dozens of users claimed they would be stealing this idea for their own parties in the near future.

Why is the gossip party such a brilliant idea? It comes down to the power of storytelling.

It's really stressful and challenging to mingle with people you don't know well or at all, whether you're dragged along to a spouse's work event or attending a party where the guest of honor has several different friend groups. It can be tough to find enough to talk about beyond just surface level small talk.

But one thing all human beings have in common is that we love stories. Not only is a great story super entertaining (even one about mundane but juicy everyday drama), studies show our brain activity syncs up with others when they tell us a story. That's something small talk and get-to-know-you chat can't achieve. So, the genius of the Tea Party is that it offers every guest a perfect icebreaker with all the others, lots of laughs, and a feeling of having made great connections with the other guests by the end of the night.

I think most people on their birthdays just want everyone to have a great time celebrating them with no drama. Well, maybe just a little bit of drama.

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