Millennials. We're house poor, but humor rich.
If there’s one thing millennials are known for, it’s their self deprecating, nihilistic humor. Usually pointing to how they weren’t exactly set up for success in life, especially when it comes to being able to afford a home, pay off student loan debt, or even get a job in the field they racked up debt for in the first place.
Basically, add three parts depression and anxiety, then top it off with obscure Disney references, and you’ve got the formula down pat. So it’s no wonder that when someone online asked millennials what their “plans” were for retirement, they went dark, and fast.
Below are some of our favorites:
Obviously, there were a few jabs about never being able to retire in the first place.
Make sure you've accrued enough PTO for that funeral! Photo credit: Canva
“I'm hoping to get off work in time to attend my funeral”
“Literally my retirement age will probably be 10 years after I die. My body will be used to prop open a door by the government”
“Die at my job… Ill keel over mopping one day and that will be that. My job will be filled by that afternoon.”
“I did some financial planning and determined I can retire by the time I am 97 and can live for 11 minutes on my savings.”
A few came up with some…er…creative ways to live out their golden years.
“Maybe federal prison?”
I mean, threes square meals a day…Photo credit: Canva
“Gonna listen to some Portishead while I have a sand shower at the indentured service prison camp while I daydream about increased water rations.”
“I figure there are at least three big economic busts between now and then, so I’m planning to die in a nude beach bl*w j*b jet ski shootout.”
“Live longer than everyone else in the family, inherit their stuff, retire five minutes before I die.”
"Save a lot, die before retirement, will my retirement savings to my kids so they have a chance."
“Find a nice commune and go die in the woods like a house cat.”
“The cliff scene in Midsommar.”
“Cats! Cats Cats Cats Cats Cats Cats Cats”
And then, there was perhaps the most millennial response of all:
“I try not to have dreams.”
And, arguably, this gallows humor is justified, considering that, compared to both older Gen Xers/Boomers and young Gen Zers, prospects don’t generally look as promising. There are many reasons for this, including shift away from pensions toward 401(k) plans and high student debt burdens.
Still, there are reasons for millennials to be optimistic. Many employers automatically offer a matching contribution to a 401K plan. Alternatively, those without 401 K plans can set aside funds through an IRA (even $10-$20 a month can make a difference).
In fact, one savvy millennial in the above thread seems to have that strategy down:
“Maxing out my Roth IRA, nearly maxing my company's traditional 401k. Should be all good by 60 then I can do whatever I want. SS would be a nice bonus, but I'm not counting on it.”
Saving, like any other skill, can be learned. Photo credit: Canva
There’s also something to be said about gaining extra income with a side hustle…though you’d be hard pressed to meet a millennial without 17 of those.
Bottom line: millennials can joke all we want, but 20-30 years can go by in the blink of an eye. We might not be equipped with the tools we thought we’d receive to succeed, and yes, times are scary and uncertain, but there are options out there. So throw on a nostalgic cartoon, and get to saving.
A Generation Jones teenager poses in her room.Image via Wikmedia Commons
An office kitchen.via 
An angry man eating spaghetti.via 
Gif of baby being baptized
Woman gives toddler a bath Canva
An Irish woman went to the doctor for a routine eye exam. She left with bright neon green eyes.
It's not easy seeing green.
Did she get superpowers?
Going to the eye doctor can be a hassle and a pain. It's not just the routine issues and inconveniences that come along when making a doctor appointment, but sometimes the various devices being used to check your eyes' health feel invasive and uncomfortable. But at least at the end of the appointment, most of us don't look like we're turning into The Incredible Hulk. That wasn't the case for one Irish woman.
Photographer Margerita B. Wargola was just going in for a routine eye exam at the hospital but ended up leaving with her eyes a shocking, bright neon green.
At the doctor's office, the nurse practitioner was prepping Wargola for a test with a machine that Wargola had experienced before. Before the test started, Wargola presumed the nurse had dropped some saline into her eyes, as they were feeling dry. After she blinked, everything went yellow.
Wargola and the nurse initially panicked. Neither knew what was going on as Wargola suddenly had yellow vision and radioactive-looking green eyes. After the initial shock, both realized the issue: the nurse forgot to ask Wargola to remove her contact lenses before putting contrast drops in her eyes for the exam. Wargola and the nurse quickly removed the lenses from her eyes and washed them thoroughly with saline. Fortunately, Wargola's eyes were unharmed. Unfortunately, her contacts were permanently stained and she didn't bring a spare pair.
- YouTube youtube.com
Since she has poor vision, Wargola was forced to drive herself home after the eye exam wearing the neon-green contact lenses that make her look like a member of the Green Lantern Corps. She couldn't help but laugh at her predicament and recorded a video explaining it all on social media. Since then, her video has sparked a couple Reddit threads and collected a bunch of comments on Instagram:
“But the REAL question is: do you now have X-Ray vision?”
“You can just say you're a superhero.”
“I would make a few stops on the way home just to freak some people out!”
“I would have lived it up! Grab a coffee, do grocery shopping, walk around a shopping center.”
“This one would pair well with that girl who ate something with turmeric with her invisalign on and walked around Paris smiling at people with seemingly BRIGHT YELLOW TEETH.”
“I would save those for fancy special occasions! WOW!”
“Every time I'd stop I'd turn slowly and stare at the person in the car next to me.”
“Keep them. Tell people what to do. They’ll do your bidding.”
In a follow-up Instagram video, Wargola showed her followers that she was safe at home with normal eyes, showing that the damaged contact lenses were so stained that they turned the saline solution in her contacts case into a bright Gatorade yellow. She wasn't mad at the nurse and, in fact, plans on keeping the lenses to wear on St. Patrick's Day or some other special occasion.
While no harm was done and a good laugh was had, it's still best for doctors, nurses, and patients alike to double-check and ask or tell if contact lenses are being worn before each eye test. If not, there might be more than ultra-green eyes to worry about.