
As someone who's been married to the same human for 22 years, I can say with confidence that a big key to marital bliss is to come at it with a sense of humor. Living with and loving someone for life (hopefully) is a shared journey with ups and downs and unexpected detours. The story of that journey is filled with big life events and mundane daily details, and with moments both precious and perturbing.
If you've been married a while, this collection of funny tweets about marriage will hit home. Shared by Joshua Johnson on Facebook, this "Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts" compilation includes universal sentiments, classic spouse conundrums, and pandemic-specific realities for people in long-term love
Here they are, linked to the original tweets so you can follow the creators if you wish, and written out in text for our friends with audio aids. Grab your partner and have a good chuckle at your own expense:
"DATING: can't wait to see you again
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night"
(BTW, you also pulled the covers off me every time you rolled over. Thanks for that. Love you.)
"Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not." –@maryfairybobrry
(Have done this. Can attest it's a mistake.)
"My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners" –@ericspiegelman
(Pandemic togetherness is so fun, isn't it?)
"Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life." –@LizerReal
(This is legit advice, young people.)
"There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other." –@dadmann_walking
(And the early packer spends six days panicked over the last-minute packer not being packed. Ain't love grand?)
"Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong" –@mom_tho
(Always from the bottom, rolling as you go. This is the way.)
"I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?" –@3sunzzz
(Pssst. Don't tell him at all. He might not even notice.)
"Wife: You're doing it wrong.
Me: What?
Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*"
(Ouch.)
"My wife said she'd buy her own birthday cake this is a test right" –@DadBroDad1
(Yes. Yes it is.)
"Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can't listen to your problems right now." –@thearibradford
(This is just psychopathic behavior, honestly.)
"In 34 years on this planet I've learned one very important lesson that I'm going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries." –@CrockettForReal
(It's funny because it's true.)
"-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets"
(SHUSSSHHHH.)
"Me:
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you're up...."
(This one hits a little too close to home. I LIKE SITTING, OKAY?)
"My wife and I are both working from home.
She microwaved fish.
Time to alert HR."
(Or a divorce lawyer. Honestly, woman.)
"Me, giving my husband's eulogy: It's so hard
Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ."
(Even when he's stiff. That's what she said.)
"I miss how my wife would say "he's a rescue" whenever I misbehaved at parties." –@SladeWentworth
(The pandemic has ruined everything.)
"This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I'm not out of his league." –@RachelNoise
(Seriously. COVID ruins every darn thing.)
"MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*"
(Ahem. Thanks for the advice, "mom.")
"I have a cold and it's pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that's way worse." –@simoncholland
(I believe the Latin term for this is spousus patheticus.)
"[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav...it's ADULT FLAVORED!"
–@jaxwax04
(Case in point.)
"Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels." –@HenpeckedHal
(And you're pretty much guaranteed to never do it quite right, so don't bother trying.)
"Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast." –@simoncholland
(Oh, but wait until you find out what you did to piss her off in her dream...)
"My husband: We were way over on groceries last month.
Me: How did THAT happen?
Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches...
Me: ...
Him: ...babe, that's bad.
Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE"
(Seriously. I'm a grownup, I do what I want.)
"My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential." –thedadvocate01
(It's okay. If you keep on taking out the garbage that she could take out herself, she'll probably keep you around.)
"Husband, "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?"
Me, "A bottle of champagne."
Husband, "Oh, I got you one yesterday.
"Me, "I said what I said.""
(And I meant what I meant.)
"My wife asked me if she had any 'annoying' habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation." –@BattyMclain
(Hey now. Two can play at this game, buddy.)
"Husband: Does it bother you when I —
Me: Yes."
(Ouch again.)
"Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?
Me: Just giving you a show.
Wife: Can I change the channel?"
(And they lived happily ever after.)
If I've learned anything in two decades of marriage, it's that there are few things a good belly laugh together can't fix. Here's to taking care of one another and finding the humor in marital bliss.
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American portion sizes are colossal.
Tax shouldn't be a not-so-fun surprise at the end of your shopping trip.
A trip to the doctor shouldn't break the bank.
This totally isn't weird at all. Right?
It's a choice.
America loves extra sugar in savory foods.
Princess Odette Girl GIF by The Swan Princess
Rose GIF
sailor moon GIF
river phoenix 80s GIF 
All of this will be ours one day. Yay.
Elderly woman with white hair on phone, sharing a story about a dead person her child has never met.
Surprised elderly man in blue shirt against a yellow background.
Elderly woman in pink shirt using a smartphone on a garden swing.
TV for waking. TV for sleep.
Elderly man using a magnifying glass to read a piece of mail
Mom is totally humiliated after her kindergartner tells the teacher what she does for work
She was clearly mortified.
A mom is embarrassed by her child.
One of the great joys and stresses of parenting is that you never know what will come out of your child’s mouth. When you have young, inquisitive kids, they can say really inappropriate things to people without realizing they were being rude or possibly offensive. TikTok influencer Aurora McCausland (@auroramccausland), known for her DIY cleaning tips, recently told a funny story on the platform about how her son believes she makes a living. The problem was that she heard about it from her child's teacher.
Mom is embarrassed by her child
“The other day, I went and picked my five year old up from school and when I get to his classroom his teacher pulls me inside and says, ‘Hey, today he wanted to tell us about what Mommy does for work and said that Mommy makes videos in her bedroom but only when I'm [he’s] not at home,” McCausland recalled.
Given her body language while telling the story, McCausland was clearly mortified after hearing what her child said to his teacher. It makes it look like she may be posting videos to adult sites while her child is at school, which most people wouldn’t want their son’s teacher to know about.
The good news is that another teacher was there to clarify the young boy's comments by adding, “I think she makes TikTok videos.” The uncomfortable situation was a great invitation to chat with her son about what she does for a living. “So I have to have a conversation with my son about how he tells people what I do for work,” she finished her video.
The funny video went viral, earning over 1.7 million views on TikTok, and inspired many people to share the times when their children had funny ways of explaining their careers. The commenters were a great reminder to parents everywhere that if your child says something embarrassing, it's ok, just about everyone has been through it.
Moms share their most embarrassing moments
A lot of parents spoke up in the comments to show McCausland that she's not the only one to feel embarrassed in front of her child's teacher.
"My son told everyone that we were homeless (because we don’t own our home, we rent)," KBR wrote.
"I work in ortho.. my daughter told her teacher I steal people's knees bc she heard me talking to my husband about a knee replacement," Aingeal wrote.
"My son told a teacher we were living in our car over the summer. Camping. We went camping," Kera wrote.
"In kinder, my son thought Red Bull was alcohol and told his teacher I liked to have beer on the way to school," Ashley wrote.
My niece told her teacher her mom and dad work at the wh*re house. They work at the courthouse," Ellis wrote.
"My husband works as a table games dealer at a casino. Kindergartener, 'Daddy's a Dealer!' We now start every school year clearly stating he works at the casino," CMAC
"My son said we lived in a crack house…There’s a tiny chip in the wall from the doorknob," KNWerner wrote.
"My dad is a hospice chaplain and officiates a lot of funerals. My son and nephew were asked by their preschool teacher if their papa was retired or had a job. They told her his job was to kill people," Tiffyd wrote.
"My son said "my dad left me and I'm all alone" to a random person at the zoo. My husband was just at work," Shelby.
"I am now in my 70s. In my gradeschool, during the McCarthy era, I told my teacher my dad was a communist. He was an economist," Crackerbelly wrote.
"In Kindergarten, my daughter told her teacher that mommy drinks and drives all the time. Coffee. From Starbucks," Jessica wrote.
"Well I once told my kindergarden teacher a man climbs over our fence to visit my mom when her husband is not home... It was a handy man who came to fix gates when they were stuck," Annie wrote.
Ultimately, McCausland’s story is a fun reminder of how children see things through their own unique lens and, with total innocence, can say some of the funniest things. It’s also a great warning to parents everywhere: if you aren’t clear with your kids about what you do for a living, you may be setting yourself up for a very embarrassing misunderstanding. So, even if you think they know what you do ask them as see what they say, you could save yourself from a lot of embarrassment.
This article originally appeared last year and has been updated.