
As someone who's been married to the same human for 22 years, I can say with confidence that a big key to marital bliss is to come at it with a sense of humor. Living with and loving someone for life (hopefully) is a shared journey with ups and downs and unexpected detours. The story of that journey is filled with big life events and mundane daily details, and with moments both precious and perturbing.
If you've been married a while, this collection of funny tweets about marriage will hit home. Shared by Joshua Johnson on Facebook, this "Marriage: A Story of Love in 28 Parts" compilation includes universal sentiments, classic spouse conundrums, and pandemic-specific realities for people in long-term love
Here they are, linked to the original tweets so you can follow the creators if you wish, and written out in text for our friends with audio aids. Grab your partner and have a good chuckle at your own expense:
"DATING: can't wait to see you again
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night"
(BTW, you also pulled the covers off me every time you rolled over. Thanks for that. Love you.)
"Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not." –@maryfairybobrry
(Have done this. Can attest it's a mistake.)
"My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners" –@ericspiegelman
(Pandemic togetherness is so fun, isn't it?)
"Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life." –@LizerReal
(This is legit advice, young people.)
"There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other." –@dadmann_walking
(And the early packer spends six days panicked over the last-minute packer not being packed. Ain't love grand?)
"Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong" –@mom_tho
(Always from the bottom, rolling as you go. This is the way.)
"I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?" –@3sunzzz
(Pssst. Don't tell him at all. He might not even notice.)
"Wife: You're doing it wrong.
Me: What?
Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*"
(Ouch.)
"My wife said she'd buy her own birthday cake this is a test right" –@DadBroDad1
(Yes. Yes it is.)
"Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can't listen to your problems right now." –@thearibradford
(This is just psychopathic behavior, honestly.)
"In 34 years on this planet I've learned one very important lesson that I'm going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries." –@CrockettForReal
(It's funny because it's true.)
"-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets"
(SHUSSSHHHH.)
"Me:
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you're up...."
(This one hits a little too close to home. I LIKE SITTING, OKAY?)
"My wife and I are both working from home.
She microwaved fish.
Time to alert HR."
(Or a divorce lawyer. Honestly, woman.)
"Me, giving my husband's eulogy: It's so hard
Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ."
(Even when he's stiff. That's what she said.)
"I miss how my wife would say "he's a rescue" whenever I misbehaved at parties." –@SladeWentworth
(The pandemic has ruined everything.)
"This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I'm not out of his league." –@RachelNoise
(Seriously. COVID ruins every darn thing.)
"MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*"
(Ahem. Thanks for the advice, "mom.")
"I have a cold and it's pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that's way worse." –@simoncholland
(I believe the Latin term for this is spousus patheticus.)
"[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav...it's ADULT FLAVORED!"
–@jaxwax04
(Case in point.)
"Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels." –@HenpeckedHal
(And you're pretty much guaranteed to never do it quite right, so don't bother trying.)
"Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast." –@simoncholland
(Oh, but wait until you find out what you did to piss her off in her dream...)
"My husband: We were way over on groceries last month.
Me: How did THAT happen?
Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches...
Me: ...
Him: ...babe, that's bad.
Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE"
(Seriously. I'm a grownup, I do what I want.)
"My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential." –thedadvocate01
(It's okay. If you keep on taking out the garbage that she could take out herself, she'll probably keep you around.)
"Husband, "I'm going to the store, do you need anything?"
Me, "A bottle of champagne."
Husband, "Oh, I got you one yesterday.
"Me, "I said what I said.""
(And I meant what I meant.)
"My wife asked me if she had any 'annoying' habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation." –@BattyMclain
(Hey now. Two can play at this game, buddy.)
"Husband: Does it bother you when I —
Me: Yes."
(Ouch again.)
"Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?
Me: Just giving you a show.
Wife: Can I change the channel?"
(And they lived happily ever after.)
If I've learned anything in two decades of marriage, it's that there are few things a good belly laugh together can't fix. Here's to taking care of one another and finding the humor in marital bliss.
- Husband-wife pastor team built a network of support across Houston ... ›
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- Sorry Baby Boomers, Millennials are better at marriage than you ... ›
- Woman impersonates her husband who wants praise for doing what he's supposed to do - Upworthy ›
- 15 tweets you'll love if you're married - Upworthy ›
- Mom rips into husbands who expect their wives to do housework in crazy viral Facebook post. - Upworthy ›
- Woman pleads for men to start doing their chores - Upworthy ›
- Man shares the premarital counseling he wishes he'd had - Upworthy ›
- Man has the best reaction to wife trying on a wig after chemo - Upworthy ›
- Mom's '50 Christmases' rule can help you choose the best life partner - Upworthy ›



A Generation Jones teenager poses in her room.Image via Wikmedia Commons
An office kitchen.via
An angry man eating spaghetti.via 



An Irish woman went to the doctor for a routine eye exam. She left with bright neon green eyes.
It's not easy seeing green.
Did she get superpowers?
Going to the eye doctor can be a hassle and a pain. It's not just the routine issues and inconveniences that come along when making a doctor appointment, but sometimes the various devices being used to check your eyes' health feel invasive and uncomfortable. But at least at the end of the appointment, most of us don't look like we're turning into The Incredible Hulk. That wasn't the case for one Irish woman.
Photographer Margerita B. Wargola was just going in for a routine eye exam at the hospital but ended up leaving with her eyes a shocking, bright neon green.
At the doctor's office, the nurse practitioner was prepping Wargola for a test with a machine that Wargola had experienced before. Before the test started, Wargola presumed the nurse had dropped some saline into her eyes, as they were feeling dry. After she blinked, everything went yellow.
Wargola and the nurse initially panicked. Neither knew what was going on as Wargola suddenly had yellow vision and radioactive-looking green eyes. After the initial shock, both realized the issue: the nurse forgot to ask Wargola to remove her contact lenses before putting contrast drops in her eyes for the exam. Wargola and the nurse quickly removed the lenses from her eyes and washed them thoroughly with saline. Fortunately, Wargola's eyes were unharmed. Unfortunately, her contacts were permanently stained and she didn't bring a spare pair.
- YouTube youtube.com
Since she has poor vision, Wargola was forced to drive herself home after the eye exam wearing the neon-green contact lenses that make her look like a member of the Green Lantern Corps. She couldn't help but laugh at her predicament and recorded a video explaining it all on social media. Since then, her video has sparked a couple Reddit threads and collected a bunch of comments on Instagram:
“But the REAL question is: do you now have X-Ray vision?”
“You can just say you're a superhero.”
“I would make a few stops on the way home just to freak some people out!”
“I would have lived it up! Grab a coffee, do grocery shopping, walk around a shopping center.”
“This one would pair well with that girl who ate something with turmeric with her invisalign on and walked around Paris smiling at people with seemingly BRIGHT YELLOW TEETH.”
“I would save those for fancy special occasions! WOW!”
“Every time I'd stop I'd turn slowly and stare at the person in the car next to me.”
“Keep them. Tell people what to do. They’ll do your bidding.”
In a follow-up Instagram video, Wargola showed her followers that she was safe at home with normal eyes, showing that the damaged contact lenses were so stained that they turned the saline solution in her contacts case into a bright Gatorade yellow. She wasn't mad at the nurse and, in fact, plans on keeping the lenses to wear on St. Patrick's Day or some other special occasion.
While no harm was done and a good laugh was had, it's still best for doctors, nurses, and patients alike to double-check and ask or tell if contact lenses are being worn before each eye test. If not, there might be more than ultra-green eyes to worry about.