Friendship

Most people value honesty and try to practice it in their daily lives. In fact, research shows that a majority of people do a pretty good job and are honest most of the time.

But there are certain situations where it's hard to be as truthful as you'd like. For example, when the truth has the potential to hurt someone's feelings, does being honest become cruel?

There may be a way to dole out necessary, genuine feedback even when it's tough for the receiver to hear, according to inspirational speaker Simon Sinek.

Being honest with our friends is difficult, but crucial. Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash

Sinek, an author and expert in leadership training, recently appeared on a podcast with Dr. Becky, a clinical psychologist and one of the most prominent voices in the parenting advice space. She's often called the "millennial parent whisperer" for her uncanny ability to tap into the struggles of modern parents and offer solutions.

Dr. Becky spoke with Sinek about a conundrum most parents have faced, and one that anyone who has ever had a meaningful friendship or romantic relationship can relate to: what should you do if someone asks for your opinion, but that opinion is likely to sound cruel?

You might struggle to find the right words when your kid plays poorly in sports or asks for your opinion on a drawing that, let's face it, isn't great. You can always lie, but our brains don't like that solution. Lying doesn't feel good, especially when it's someone you care about. Besides, honest feedback is how you help your kids learn and how you help your friends grow.

Sinek provided another relatable example:

"I went to see a friend's performance. It was easily the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. At the end of the show, my friend comes out, she comes running up to me with a big smile on her face, and she says 'What did you think?'"

Here's where Sinek applies his golden rule: meet facts with facts, and meet emotions with emotions. In other words, "never bring facts to an emotional gunfight."

"I can't bring facts to an emotional state," Sinek said of the scenario. Instead, he brings his emotions to match those of his friend. He's excited, he's encouraging, and he says things that are true without making himself feel icky:

"It was so amazing to see you on the stage. True. I've never seen you do your thing before. True. I'm so glad I came to see you. True."

He decided to save his more critical feedback of the show for another time, when he and his friend can have a level-headed conversation, if she wants to hear it. In his case, a few days later, she did.

"I had a rational conversation in a rational setting," he said. "But you cannot have a rational conversation in an emotional setting."

The clip featuring Dr. Becky and Sinek struck a nerve with commenters, many of whom were eager to apply the idea to their own relationships, whether with their kids or other adults. Commenters wrote:

"Relationships 101 that is so easy to miss. I'll bet I'm successful at this 10% of the time. But getting better!"

"This is golden information thank you."

"I like this. It's a good mantra. Is this the place to be real or should reality wait for rationality"

"This is straight nervous system science. When someone's emotionally activated, their body is prioritizing safety over accuracy. The prefrontal cortex goes offline, threat-detection goes online, and even 'truth' can feel like an attack. So the skill isn't just honesty. It's timing."

However, others were more skeptical of the advice. In the scenario involving his friend's performance, some questioned whether Sinek needed to offer negative feedback about the show at all.

"Guaranteed that second conversation didn't actually go down well. Look at the skepticism on Dr Becky's face too"

The key element of the story is that Sinek's friend made it clear she was ready to hear his full opinion of the show. And if she knows him well, she likely had a good sense of what she was signing up for. On the other side of the equation, all of us have the right to choose whether we want to receive that kind of tough honesty from our friends. (At work, we may not have a choice.)

"This is the reason I have declined the conversation that starts with 'can I give you feedback?' And I am like NO WAY!" one user suggested.

"No" is almost always an option. And it goes the other way, too: you don't need to offer "constructive criticism" or harsh honesty when it isn't solicited. Keeping it to yourself isn't lying.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

That second conversation was probably still uncomfortable. But other experts agree that the ability for friends, family members, and trusted colleagues to give tough feedback ultimately fuels growth and makes relationships stronger.

Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, wrote in Psychology Today:

"Speaking beneficially and delivering tactful feedback eliminates the chance of causing unnecessary hurt. It also creates a happier environment filled with opportunities to grow. When we communicate authentically, kindly, constructively, and consistently about what we believe in, we can create richer and more meaningful relationships. It isn't easy to apply this strategy when we're angry or hurt, but our relationships will give us plenty of opportunities to practice."