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'It Ends With Us' film has people discussing the nuanced elements of domestic violence

The movie gives us a glimpse of how complex and confusing abusive relationships are from the inside.

scene from "it ends with us"

Sony Pictures Entertainment/YouTube

Justin Baldoni directed and stars in "It Ends With Us."

The film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's bestselling novel "It Ends With Us" has been a smashing success at the box office, with its $242 million haul in its first three weeks exceeding industry expectations and blowing far past its $25 million budget.

The movie has also led to much-needed conversations about intimate partner violence. Despite the bizarrely mixed promotion of the film (with star and co-producer Blake Lively being criticized for downplaying the domestic violence aspect while co-star and director Justin Baldoni has focused his interviews on addressing it), viewers are leaving theaters digesting a story of an abusive relationship that may feel painfully familiar or like nothing they'd ever seen before. And both of those moviegoing experiences are prompting discussions about the aspects of of domestic violence that we often don't hear or talk about.

(This article contains movie spoilers and some depictions of abuse, so please be warned.)

Why Justin Baldoni decided to adapt "It Ends With Us" as a film

Baldoni has said that he wanted to make "It Ends With Us" to bring hope to women who see themselves in Lily Bloom, the main character who ends up in an abusive relationship, and help empower them to make a different choice for themselves. To help tackle such a sensitive and complex subject. Baldoni and his production company, Wayfarer Studios, partnered with the domestic violence organization No More in the creation and promotion of the film.

"The only way I could direct this movie is if I had a group of women, specifically, behind me who are specialists in this space, Baldoni told TODAY. "And from the very beginning, we worked very hard to create a very truthful and honest story that could reflect the reality of what millions and millions of people go through every day."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

As Baldoni told TODAY, there is no typical abuser or typical victim. But since the release of "It Ends With Us," many women who have experienced intimate partner violence have praised the way the film depicts the complexity and nuance of abusive relationships, and many women have shared that they appreciated the care that went into telling the story. Some have even come forward to say that the film inspired them to leave their own abusive relationships.

How are domestic violence survivors reacting to "It Ends With Us"?

"Not sure if you will ever see this, but I'm leaving 10 years of absolute hell after seeing it ends with us, thank you. It ends with me, too," shared one person.

"I left an 8 year relationship after watching this movie-twice...Thank you Justin for promoting the right way and creating an awareness on the seriousness of DV," wrote another commenter.

"I was Lily Bloom 17 years ago," shared another. "It's crazy how you were able to show the audience the victim's perspective. It's not always obvious for many reasons. We see the person's good or have hope they can change because they've shown us some love. For me it was always an accident or something that happened because of heightened emotions. I didn't want to be that girl either so I would always feel it was us both of us doing this. But the day I left with my babies, my two girls... I asked him the same question. He didn't give me the right answer though. He said, 'I would tell them to go back to their husband because that's what they signed up for and where they belong' Leaving was hard but staying would've been hell!! I'm so happy to say I'm with a real man that had showed me real love and loves my girls we have been married 12+ years."

"You know I went into this movie to hate watch it honestly, I thought it was going to be some fifty shades fanfic esque flick, but I actually want to thank you for making this from the bottom of my heart," wrote another. "When you are in that situation it feels like no one understands why you can't just walk away, but you are so enraptured and the love of an abuser can feel larger than life. I’ve never felt more connected to a story and as someone currently on the fence of going back to a situation like this or letting that love go, this was what I needed. This felt real and it was activating but freeing. Thank you."

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How does "It Ends With Us" portray an abusive relationship?

I saw the movie as someone who hasn't experiences domestic violence and was curious to see if others had similar takeaways as I did. A handful of people have expressed concern that domestic violence is "glamorized" in the story, but I didn't get that from the film at all. I didn't read the book, so can't compare the two, but what I took away from the movie was the uncomfortable truth that abusive relationships are not as black-and-white as many people think.

To be clear, abuse in a relationship is always a deal breaker. That's not in question. But what we see in this movie is that abusive relationships can be really confusing from the inside. There are some abusers out there who are just plain monsters, but they're often more like Baldoni's character, Ryle. He is loving, tender, supportive—and even gentle—most of the time. There are some red flags in the way he pursues Lily in the beginning, but they're the kinds of things many consider charming and flattering. We see him kick a chair in an outburst of anger in his first scene, but we're able to understand his anger in that moment, even if his expression of it is a bad sign.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

What I took away from the film is how a woman can genuinely fall in love with an abuser and how she can justify or explain away abusive incidents because she doesn't want to admit, even to herself, that she is in an abusive relationship. Throughout the film, we see Ryle through Lily's eyes, as an "unreliable narrator" (her own words). We see the times he hurts her as accidents and his explanations of what happened played out as reality. It's not until Ryle does something that can't be explained away that we see Lily's recovered memories of what actually happened in those other incidents.

Ryle didn't accidentally swing his hand because he burned it; he hit Lily in a rage. She didn't fall down the stairs during a fight; he pushed her. As a viewer, even knowing the movie was about an abusive relationship, I found myself somewhat confused about whether Ryle was really abusive until he tried to rape her and we got to see Lily's more accurate memories revealed. As a person who hasn't been in those shoes, I appreciated seeing a perspective from the inside, how what Lily feels and what she experiences are conflicting and confusing.

How can someone get out of an abusive relationship?

I've seen some people complain that Ryle was portrayed as a sympathetic character because his own childhood trauma is revealed to explain his rage issues, but two things can be true at once. A person can have experienced a severe trauma that results in violent outbursts and their behavior can be unacceptable and inexcusable in a relationship. A partner can be sweet and supportive and also abusive, making them an unequivocal abuser. If your partner is wonderful 98% of the time and abusive 2% of the time, you are in an abusive relationship. Full stop. That 98% can be seductive enough to convince you to put up with the 2%, but that's not how it works. There's no amount of abuse that's worth staying for.

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One element of the story that experts have raised concerns about is the fact that Ryle doesn't put up a fight when Lily tells him she wants a divorce. That's not often how it goes, and unfortunately the 18 months after leaving an abusive partner are statistically the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship. Again, every abusive relationship has its own dynamic, but women who decide to leave should be aware of the patterns and have a safety plan in place beforehand.

"It Ends With Us" may have hit some marketing snags with the behind-the-scenes drama and problematic promotion dominating the headlines, but beyond all the media noise is a film that has people talking about domestic violence in a deep and meaningful way. And that's definitely a good thing.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Visit nomore.org.

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5-year-old Italian piano prodigy rocks Mozart at international competition and holy cow

Alberto has already won multiple international competitions.

Pianoforte/Facebook

Alberto Cartuccia Cingolani wows audiences with his amazing musical talents.

Mozart was known for his musical talent at a young age, playing the harpsichord at age 4 and writing original compositions at age 5. So perhaps it's fitting that a video of 5-year-old piano prodigy Alberto Cartuccia Cingolani playing Mozart has gone viral as people marvel at his musical abilities.

Alberto's legs couldn't even reach the pedals, but that didn't stop his little hands from flying expertly over the keys as incredible music pours out of the piano at the 10th International Musical Competition "Città di Penne" in Italy in 2022. Even if you've seen young musicians play impressively, it's hard not to have your jaw drop at this one. Sometimes a kid comes along who just clearly has a gift.

Of course, that gift has been helped along by two professional musician parents. But no amount of teaching can create an ability like this.

Alberto first started playing in 2020 in the early months of the COVID-19 pandemic. Italy was one of the first countries to experience a serious lockdown, and Alberto's mother used the opportunity to start teaching her son to play piano. Alessia Cingolani and her husband Simone Cartuccia are both music conservatory graduates, and mom Alessia told Italian entertainment website Contrataque that she and her husband recognized Alberto's talent immediately.

She said that although Alberto spends a lot of time at the piano, he also has plenty of time for school and play and television, like a normal kid.

There's genuinely nothing "normal" about this kid's piano playing, though. Watch:

Wow, right? There are countless adults who took years of piano lessons and never got to that level of playing. It's like he's channeling Amadeus himself.

According to Corriere Adriatico, by the time he was 4 1/2 years old, Alberto had participated in seven national and international online competitions and won first place in all of them. His mother told the outlet that he started out practicing for about 10 minutes a day and gradually increased to three hours.

"He has a remarkable flair for the piano," she said. Um, yeah. Clearly.

Some commenters expressed some concern for the boy based on his seriousness and what looks like dark circles under his eyes in the video, but if you check out other videos of Alberto playing at home, he is more relaxed. Most of his playing and competition entries have been done online, so performing for a crowd is probably new for him. And in interviews, his mother has made it clear that they prioritize normal childhood activities.

Some children are just genuine prodigies, and Alberto certainly seems to fit that bill. Can't wait to see what kind of musical future awaits this kid.

This article originally appeared on 5.4.22

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Mom uses a brilliantly simple, one-word switch while teaching her daughter about makeup

Imagine if all daughters were taught to think of makeup this way.

@maggiekatz/TikTok

One simple change can make all the difference.

Makeup is an incredibly fun form of self-expression. At the same time, it’s deeply enmeshed with the problematic beauty standards that rob women of their self-worth. Many grown women have a rather complicated relationship with it, so it’s no wonder that they might have a hard time knowing exactly how to have a conversation about it with their own daughters.

But one mom has a pretty awesome solution for teaching her child about makeup in a healthy way, and it all comes down to a simple word switch.

In a video posted to her TikTok, Maggie Katz has a pretty adorable exchange with her daughter in front of the bathroom mirror as they put on makeup together.

As they do, Katz tells her daughter “You look so fancy.”

Note the word “pretty” is not mentioned here.

Katz continues, “And why do we do makeup? Because it’s fun and we get to look fancy. But are we pretty no matter what,” to which her daughter enthusiastically agrees.

And that’s it—that’s the entire video. But it’s so easy to see what a profound mindset shift this language tweak makes. Imagine if all of us had been taught to view makeup as something that merely adorns or elaborate on what’s already there, rather than fixing unlovable flaws.

@maggiekatz The words we hear growing up have an impact :heart: #makeup #momsoftiktok #raisingdaughters #fancy ♬ original sound - Maggie Katz

“I needed this as a kid,” one person shared. Another wrote, “This lady on here fixing all the little people inside of us.”

So many people chimed in to praise Katz’s idea, saying that they would be following her lead.

“THANK YOU!,” one person wrote. “I put on makeup occasionally for super special events and I’ve struggled with how to explain it besides saying it’s fun to be artistic sometimes. I’ll be using this.”

Another echoed, "I will be teaching my daughters this way now.”

Others shared how they too have incorporated different phrases like “glamorous” or “fun” rather than “pretty” when teaching their daughters about makeup—or just thinking about it for themselves.

And for what it’s worth, Katz believes in boys feeling fancy with makeup, too. In a comment she wrote, “I have a son too (he's a few years older) and it definitely works with him too. I've worked to remind him that we can all find beauty everywhere we look and that everyone is special in their own way.”

The conversation struck up by Katz’s video is just one way our collective mindset towards makeup has seemed to shift for the better. Yes, we hear tales of Sephora kids being prematurely fixated on anti-aging, but maybe that’s only one part of the picture. After all, we also see celebrities going more bare faced, as well as more people advocating to do away with overly photoshopped ads for beauty products.

Speaking of ads—it’s interesting to note that for years makeup was sold to women as something they needed in order to feel beautiful/worthy/acceptable/etc. But then Gen Z came into the scene, with their fun eyeliner shapes and crazy color combinations just for the hell of it, and now makeup has become more of an art form than a clutch. And makeup sales are more booming than ever. Companies take note: you don’t have to disempower people to push products. Just saying.

Whether you’re a bona fide glambot or prefer to save the eyeliner for special occasions, may this be a reminder to you (and any little ones you’re trying to uplift) that you’re perfect exactly as you are.

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Mom recalls the uncomfortable moment an older man complimented her 6-year-old's appearance

When she didn't say "thank you," he accused her of having bad manners.

@yourejustliz/TikTok

“Nice is different than kind."

It might have been pretty universally accepted during our childhood for daughters to be expected to reciprocate affection from adults, whether they liked it or not. A non consensual kiss to grandparents here, a forced “thank you” there. But times have changed.

However, this change in parenting style can sometimes make for some, well, awkward or even downright uncomfortable situations as moms and dads try to advocate for this kid’s autonomy.

Recently, a mom named Liz Kindred detailed just such an incident with her six year old daughter, which has a whole lotta other parents discussing how to navigate these unideal interactions.

As she recalls in a video posted to TikTok, Kindred was waiting in line with her daughter when a grown man turned around and said “My goodness, you sure are pretty” to the child.

“My six-year-old is gorgeous, yes, but she is also very in tune and perceptive, and she's an introvert so she grabbed my leg really tight,” Kindred said.

Doubling down, the man repeated himself, saying “You sure are pretty. Look at those blue eyes,” which only made her shy daughter grab her leg harder.

Noting that being in a 12 step program has taught her to be less “knee jerk reactionary,” the mom bit her tongue and offered a polite smile to the man, hoping that would be the end of it. It wasn’t.

@yourejustliz I need to get my brows done
♬ Succession (Theme Song) - The Theme System

“He's a boomer and, God love him, he said, ‘I guess your mom didn't teach you manners.’ And I let out an uncomfortable little [chuckle], and the pause was long. It was long. And under his breath he said, ‘Guess not,’” she said.

In what she called the most ”Jesus loving way” she could muster, while still bluntly making her point, Kindred told the man "If you assume that I didn't teach my six-year-old daughter to say ‘thank you’ to a grown, consenting man when he compliments her appearance, then you would be correct."

What followed was the “longest silence” of Kindred’s life.

The video, which has been viewed over 6 million times now, prompted a ton of parents to share how their own kids have established boundaries in similar situations—with their support, of course.

“An old man called my 4 yr old daughter a sweetheart at the store…she boldly responded ‘I am NOT YOUR sweetheart!’ I was so proud,” on person recalled.

Another added, “My 3 year old says ‘NO THANK YOU MY BODY DOESN’T LIKE TAHT.’”

Still another said “My 2 yo knows the boundaries song and just starts singing that anytime someone talks to her.”

While the response to Kindred’s video was overwhelmingly positive, there were a few comments defending the man as simply being “kind.” This prompted Kindred to do a follow-up video doubling down on her decision.

In the clip, she shared how she herself has dealt with seemingly innocent compliments in her life from men, which later turned into something else. Feeling like she “didn’t have a voice” to say something, “because I’m a nice Christian, Southern girl,” Kindred ended up being in unsavory situations (she didn't explicitly say what those situations were, but it's easy enough to piece together). She doesn’t want her daughter to have the same issues.

@yourejustliz #stitch with @Liz Kindred ♬ Succession (Theme Song) - The Theme System

“Nice is different than kind. The kind thing to do is to teach our daughters and our children in this next generation that when you are uncomfortable with something you listen to your body and you set a firm boundary with that and you provide language around that. And you start that really really young.”

Yep. Well said.

This article originally appeared on 8.8.24

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Your 7-year-old is questioning the meaning of life. Now what?

Existential intelligence in kids is a good thing. Here's how to manage it.

Vitolda Klein & NASA/Unsplash

The meaning of life is a big question for all of us.

I put my parents through existential hell when I was a kid.

Even at just 7 or 8 years old, I didn't see the point in anything, and it left me defeated.

What, I just go to school, come home, do homework, go to bed, and then get up and do it all over again? What are even doing here?!

It must have frustrated them to no end. Looking back, of course they didn't have the answers! None of us do! It couldn't have been easy trying to explain that to a child who just wouldn't let it go.

A recent Reddit thread on r/Daddit made me realize I wasn't the only kid who had these big, philosophical thoughts.

A dad posted: "I was putting my 7 y.o to bed when he asked if it's weekend tomorrow. I said yes, then he asked 'and then it's school again?', then painstakingly said 'and then we do it all over again'. My boy has just realised what life is."

Dozens of other parents chimed in on the thread to share that their kids, too, had at some point become aware of the drudgery of daily life.

"On the school run earlier this week my son realised he'll have to work one day like mummy and daddy. Shortly followed by the words 'and then I'll be tired'", wrote one.

"My 8yo daughter asked me what the point of life is if all we do is slave away to pay taxes," said another.

And here's a brutal one for you:

"When my daughter was four she stood on the 10th step of our staircase and decided it was time for her to take her first flight. I told her that was not gonna happen and she was about to really hurt herself. She asked what age she'd finally be ready to fly. I told her never. People don't fly. She teared up and asked 'what's the point of life then??'."

When kids start questioning life, existence, and the universe, it's called Existential Intelligence. Believe it or not, it's a good thing.

space and the cosmos NASA/Unsplash

Existential Intelligence refers to an ability to see the big picture.

So often we're focused on more tangible skills like math, reading comprehension, language skills and memorization in kids.

But some kids just seem to have a knack for seeing the whole forest, so to speak. And that can lead them to ask big questions. According to MentalUp, common questions from kids who excel in this kind of thinking are:

Where did we come from?
Where do you go when you die?
Why are there numbers?
What are our lives for? / Why are we here?

That's just the kind of topic every parent loves to discuss right before bedtime!

(If you've ever had to explain the concept of death to your kids, you know it's not a whole lot of fun.)

Even though it might be frustrating to be put on the spot with questions you can't answer as a parent, Existential intelligence in kids is a good sign. It means they're curious, empathetic, and want to know they 'why' behind what they do and what they're asked to do. They're good at connecting skills they're learning in school to the real world (and they might struggle if they can't figure out why they'll ever need to know the names of all the generals in the Revolutionary War).

These kids may make great leaders, great communicators, and talented artists as they become older.

But in the meantime...

How to handle your kids' big questions about life and the universe

Billions of stars NASA Hubble Space Telescope/Unsplash

I asked Dr. Ryan Sultan, a child board-certified psychiatrist and professor at Columbia University, for some tips on how parents can handle kids with high Existential Intelligence.

What do you do if they get really bummed out about the disappointing realities of life? How do you explain the meaning of existence to them when you haven't figured it out for yourself yet?

"[Existential intelligence] can be a beautiful quality in kids, but it can also bring challenges—especially when they start to feel a sense of futility in everyday routines or even feel disheartened by the seemingly endless cycle of school, homework, and activities," he says.

Step one is to validate their feelings, and avoid dismissing or trying to distract them.

"Many kids, particularly those who think deeply, go through phases where they wonder if life is just a series of monotonous routines. Let them know that adults also grapple with these questions—and that it’s okay to feel uncertain or even bummed out by it."

Next, instead of giving them the answers you don't have, try asking questions.

"Encourage them to explore what these feelings mean to them. Ask questions like, 'What do you think would make life more interesting or meaningful?' or 'What are the things you enjoy that make you feel alive or excited?'"

Help them understand that these are questions they'll be asking themselves their whole lives. It's not so much about having the answer right away, but seeing life as a lifelong journey of learning and curiosity.

Help them find meaning in art, nature, community, or spirituality.

"For some children, creative outlets like art, music, writing, or even spending time in nature can be powerful ways to explore and express these feelings," Dr. Sultan says. "Others might find meaning through spiritual practices, like meditation or mindfulness, which can help them feel more connected to the present and less burdened by the future."

Helping them give back by getting involved in the community or with a charity can make a big difference too. And if you can model the ways in which you find meaning amidst the daily drudgery, that's even better!

It's a good thing when your kids ask these kinds of questions, even though they're hard (or impossible) to answer. It means your children are empathetic, curious, and want to know more about how the world works. The most important thing is not to reframe everything positively and try to "cheer them" out of it if these philosophical quandaries put them in a funk. It's OK to get a little down because you're not sure what the greater purpose is — we've all been there. That just means they're human. Encourage them to get a little more comfortable with the not knowing, and to never lose that sense of curiosity.

Why didn't people smile in old photographs? It wasn't just about the long exposure times.

People blame these serious expressions on how long they had to sit for a photo, but that's not the whole picture.

Public domain images

Photos from the 1800s were so serious.

If you've ever perused photographs from the 19th and early 20th century, you've likely noticed how serious everyone looked. If there's a hint of a smile at all, it's oh-so-slight, but more often than not, our ancestors looked like they were sitting for a sepia-toned mug shot or being held for ransom or something. Why didn't people smile in photographs? Was life just so hard back then that nobody smiled? Were dour, sour expressions just the norm?

Most often, people's serious faces in old photographs are blamed on the long exposure time of early cameras, and that's true. Taking a photo was not an instant event like it is now; people had to sit still for many minutes in the 1800s to have their photo taken.

Ever try holding a smile for only one full minute? It's surprisingly difficult and very quickly becomes unnatural. A smile is a quick reaction, not a constant state of expression. Even people we think of as "smiley" aren't toting around full-toothed smiles for minutes on end. When you had to be still for several minutes to get your photo taken, there was just no way you were going to hold a smile for that long.

But there are other reasons besides long exposure times that people didn't smile in early photographs.

1800s photographs Why so serious? Public domain

The non-smiling precedent had already been set by centuries of painted portraits

The long exposure times for early photos may have contributed to serious facial expressions, but so did the painted portraits that came before them. Look at all of the portraits of famous people throughout history prior to cameras. Sitting to be painted took hours, so smiling was out of the question. Other than the smallest of lip curls like the Mona Lisa, people didn't smile for painted portraits, so why would people suddenly think it normal to flash their pearly whites (which were not at all pearly white back then) for a photographed one? It simply wasn't how it was done.

A smirk? Sometimes. A full-on smile? Practically never.

"Mona Lisa" by Leonardo da Vinci, painted in 1503Public domain

Smiling usually indicated that you were a fool or a drunkard

Our perceptions of smiling have changed dramatically since the 1800s. In explaining why smiling was considered taboo in portraits and early photos, art historian Nicholas Jeeves wrote in Public Domain Review:

"Smiling also has a large number of discrete cultural and historical significances, few of them in line with our modern perceptions of it being a physical signal of warmth, enjoyment, or indeed of happiness. By the 17th century in Europe it was a well-established fact that the only people who smiled broadly, in life and in art, were the poor, the lewd, the drunk, the innocent, and the entertainment […] Showing the teeth was for the upper classes a more-or-less formal breach of etiquette."

"Malle Babbe" by Frans Hals, sometime between 1640 and 1646Public domain

In other words, to the Western sensibility, smiling was seen as undignified. If a painter did put a smile on the subject of a portrait, it was a notable departure from the norm, a deliberate stylistic choice that conveyed something about the artist or the subject.

Even the artists who attempted it had less-than-ideal results. It turns out that smiling is such a lively, fleeting expression that the artistically static nature of painted portraits didn't lend itself well to showcasing it. Paintings that did have subjects smiling made them look weird or disturbing or drunk. Simply put, painting a genuine, natural smile didn't work well in portraits of old.

As a result, the perception that smiling was an indication of lewdness or impropriety stuck for quite a while, even after Kodak created snapshot cameras that didn't have the long exposure time problem. Even happy occasions had people nary a hint of joy in the photographs that documented them.

Even wedding party photos didn't appear to be joyful occasions.Wikimedia Commons

Then along came movies, which may have changed the whole picture

So how did we end up coming around to grinning ear to ear for photos? Interestingly enough, it may have been the advent of motion pictures that pushed us towards smiling being the norm.

Photos could have captured people's natural smiles earlier—we had the technology for taking instant photos—but culturally, smiling wasn't widely favored for photos until the 1920s. One theory about that timing is that the explosion of movies enabled us to see emotions of all kinds playing out on screen, documenting the fleeting expressions that portraits had failed to capture. Culturally, it became normalized to capture, display and see all kind of emotions on people's faces. As we got more used to that, photo portraits began portraying people in a range of expression rather than trying to create a neutral image of a person's face.

Changing our own perceptions of old photo portraits to view them as neutral rather than grumpy or serious can help us remember that people back then were not a bunch of sourpusses, but people who experienced as wide a range of emotion as we do, including joy and mirth. Unfortunately, we just rarely get to see them in that state before the 1920s.

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