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It doesn't matter whether Brett Kavanaugh is 'guilty' of sexual assault.

For the past week, Americans have argued about whether or not Brett Kavanaugh is guilty of sexual assault. But at this point, it doesn’t really matter.

Of course, his guilt or innocence matters in some contexts. It matters to him and his loved ones. It matters to Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford and her loved ones. It matters to the sexual assault victims who see themselves in Ford’s testimony. It matters to our public discourse surrounding sexual violence.

But as far as whether or not Brett Kavanaugh should be confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice—which is why we’re all here to begin with—it doesn’t matter. At this point, even if the various sexual assault allegations against him were 100% false, even if it’s all a “sham” as Lindsey Graham claims, even if this is one great big partisan hit job to make him appear unfit, none of it would matter.

The Senate screens a candidate for SCOTUS so that they can “advise and consent” on the nominee. In doing so, they’re examining not only his education and judicial record, but also whether or not he has what it takes to serve a lifetime appointment in the highest judicial office in the land.

Naturally, putting an attempted rapist on the bench would not be an ideal choice, but we don’t have definitive proof of that. What we do have now is undeniable proof that he is not fit for the job.  

Brett Kavanaugh disqualified himself in the Senate hearing with behavior unbefitting a Supreme Court Justice.

For the sake of argument, let’s say that he is completely innocent of all allegations. How he responds to such allegations is still important. How he behaves when questioned, how he expresses himself, how he comports himself under pressure—these are all aspects of “judicial temperament” that the Senate needs to take into consideration.

The concept of judicial temperament is somewhat elusive. While there is no definitive description of what it looks like, we tend to know it when we see it—and more importantly, we know it when we don’t.

The American Bar Association simplifies what makes a good judge in its online curriculum for educators with a list of character qualities which we might consider when defining "judicial temperament":

Civil

Humble

Courteous

Patient

Empathetic

Trustworthy

Honest

Skeptical yet trusting

Open-minded

Fair

A good listener

Someone who asks questions

Unbiased

Perceptive

Helpful

Realistic

Self-confident

Efficient

Firm and in control

Effective

Diligent

Reputable

Responsive

Deliberative

Diversity conscious

Recognized member of community

Good role model

If those are the qualities we should expect from any judge, a nominee for the Supreme Court should exemplify them to the highest degree. Did Judge Kavanaugh exemplify each of these qualities to the highest degree in that Senate hearing, while under oath, in front of the entire nation?

On several counts, no, he did not.

His partisan jabs show that he is not “unbiased,” and his demonstrable lies knock out “honest.”

A judge who is supposed to be impartial and unbiased doesn’t say things like, “This whole two-week effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit, fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump and the 2016 election. Fear that has been unfairly stoked about my judicial record. Revenge on behalf of the Clintons. and millions of dollars in money from outside left-wing opposition groups.” I mean, really.

A judge who is supposed to be honest doesn’t say that “boofed” and “Devil’s Triangle” are innocent drinking terms when everyone who is familiar with those terms know that they are salacious euphemisms for specific sex acts. A judge who is honest doesn’t try to make obvious youthful transgressions, no matter how embarrassing, into something they are not.

An honest person, when confronted with undignified things they were obviously party to in the past, says, “I did some things in my past that I am not proud of. The culture in which I spent my youth had many toxic and unhealthy elements to it, and I did and said things I regret and am embarrassed by. I have learned a lot and changed a lot since then.” They don’t keep saying all they did was go to church, play sports, drink responsibly, and not have sex.

Even if he were innocent of all sexual assault allegations, it’s obvious that he was immersed in a heavy partying culture in high school and college that all of us recognize. Why not just own up to that? Sometimes telling the truth is hard, but if you’re trying to be a Supreme Court Justice, there’s no room for any dishonesty of any kind, especially under oath.

Perhaps most disturbing was his barely contained rage and his disrespectful interchanges with Senators. What I saw was not “civil,” “courteous,” and “firm and in control.”

I went into the hearing with an open mind, and was honestly shocked by Kavanaugh’s behavior. I’ve never seen anything like that from someone who is supposed to be a highly respected professional. When Senator Klobuchar asked him if he’d ever drunk so much that he didn’t remember something, his response was "You're asking about blackout. I don't know, have you?" Who says that? Then after she calmly asked him to answer the question, he doubled down about her drinking again.

I'm pretty sure this isn't what the ABA means by "Someone who asks questions." Why would you not simply answer the question?

Sen. Klobuchar and Kavanaugh share tense exchange over judge's drinking habits

Sen. Klobuchar: There’s never been a case where you drank so much that you didn’t remember what happened the night before?Judge Kavanaugh: “I don't know. Have you?”…Klobuchar: “I have no drinking problem, Judge.”Kavanaugh: “Nor do I.” https://nbcnews.to/2N6dSVZ

Posted by NBC News on Thursday, September 27, 2018

To his credit, he apologized to the Senator afterward. However, the fact that it happened in the first place is unacceptable. So was his yelling throughout the hearing.

People keep saying that he has a right to be upset and that anyone would respond with that level of anger at being falsely accused. But he’s not just anyone—he’s the nominee for the highest judicial position in the land.

It's not like this accusation had just happened that morning and he was having a knee-jerk reaction. He had at least ten days to gather his emotions and composure before appearing before the Senate. I don’t fault him for arriving at the hearing ready to defend himself; however, I do fault him for being unable to do so with the decorum that we should expect from a Supreme Court Justice.

Whether he sexually assaulted anyone is not the most relevant question, especially since it’s unlikely to be definitively proven one way or another. The question is whether he has what it takes to do the job he’s lined up for.

As a Supreme Court Justice, he will be subjected to unending hate mail, his character and beliefs will be constantly attacked, and his motivations for his judgments will be called into question every single time. He has to be able to handle those attacks with self-control, civility, and impartiality. That’s the job.

And he has proven, beyond a reasonable doubt, that he’s not up for it.

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Fed up parents explain why they 'never want to bring the kids over' to visit

Can't you guys come to us for once?

Photo by Johnny Cohen on Unsplash

It's a good news/bad news situation for parents of young kids.

The good news? Everyone wants to spend time with the kids! Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. They all want a relationship and lots of special moments with the little ones.

The bad news? One phrase:

"When are you bringing them over?"

Parents have been frustrated by the expectations of orchestrating stressful visits for generations — loading the kids in a car or on an airplane only to spend hours chasing them around in an un-baby-proofed environment and watching routines go to hell.

Now they're sounding off on social media and airing their grievances.

Why visiting grandparents and other relatives is so challenging for parents

A mom recently took to Reddit to vent about everyone in her life wanting her to "bring the kids to them."

"My parents live 30 mins away and always bug me about not coming to visit them," she writes. They constantly ask, "Why don't you bring our granddaughter to come see us?"

The fascinating discussion highlights a few things that make arranging visits with young kids a potential nightmare for parents.

Grandparents' houses are rarely childproofed

Grandparents love their breakable decor! Ceramic doo-dads, glass vases everywhere. They can't get enough. And while they should be able to decorate their house however they see fit (they've earned the right!) that doesn't make it a good environment for toddlers and babies.

Ceramic bowlsThe breakable decor found in every grandparents' houseozalee.fr/Flickr

"Last week was the last straw, I took my daughter to my parents and of course she went EVERYWHERE! flooded their toilet, broke a vase, and tried multiple times to climb their furniture," the Reddit mom writes.

Parents in a foreign environment are on constant safety duty and can rarely sit down

Let's be honest. Sometimes these "visits" are hardly worth the effort. After all, it's hard to get much catch up time when you're dutifully chasing your kid around.

"They don’t understand that my 3 yo ... is absolutely wild," writes another user in the thread. "She has no self preservation and nothing we do works. She doesn’t listen, she throws, she bites, she refuses to use the potty. It’s exhausting and then ... they expect us to entertain them, when I’m trying to just keep my kid from jumping off the stairs and into an ER visit."

Even just putting the kids in the car for a 20-minute drive is more work than it seems

Taking the kids out of the house requires packing a bag, bringing extra clothes, loading up on snacks, etc.

It seems easy to "pop over" but it actually absorbs the majority of the day between prep, visit, and aftermath.

Naps and routines go to hell

Parents with babies and toddlers know all too well — there is a price to pay for taking the kids out of the house for too long.

Chances are, the baby won't nap in a strange environment and then you're stuck with a cranky kid the rest of the night.

Kids with special needs require even more consistency

Kids with autism or ADHD can really struggle outside of their zone of safety. They might become severely dysregulated, have meltdowns, or engage in dangerous behaviors.

Explaining and mediating the generational divide

man in gray sweater sitting beside woman in black and white floral long sleeve shirt Photo by Tim Kilby on Unsplash

Why is this a conflict almost all parents can relate to?

Is this a Boomer vs Millennials thing?

Some experts think that generational values and traditions might play a role.

"Many Boomers were accustomed to more traditional, hierarchical family dynamics, where visiting grandparents was a way for the younger generation to show respect," says Caitlin Slavens, a family psychologist.

But that's not to say this is a new problem. I can remember my own parents driving me and my brothers over an hour to visit my grandparents seemingly every other weekend, but very few occasions where they came to visit us. It must have driven my parents nuts back then!

Plus, it's easy to forget that it's hard for older people to travel, too. They may have their own issues and discomforts when it comes to being away from their home.

"But for today’s parents, balancing careers, kids’ routines, and the demands of modern parenting is a much bigger undertaking. Grandparents might not always see how childproofing their space or making the trip themselves could make a huge difference, especially considering how travel and disruption can impact younger kids' moods and routines," Slavens says.

"So yes, this divide often comes down to different expectations and life experiences, with older generations potentially not seeing the daily demands modern families face."

Is there any hope for parents and grandparents coming to a better understanding, or a compromise?

"First, open conversations help bridge the divide—explain how much of a difference it makes when the kids stay in a familiar space, especially when they’re very young," suggests Slavens.

"Share practical details about the challenges, like childproofing concerns or travel expenses, to help grandparents see it from a parent’s perspective. You might even work together to figure out solutions, like making adjustments to create a more child-friendly space in their home or agreeing on a shared travel plan."

Ultimately, it's a good thing when grandparents, friends, and other relatives want to see the kids.

We all have the same goal.

"It’s helpful to approach the topic with empathy, focusing on everyone’s goal: more quality time together that’s enjoyable and low-stress for everyone involved. For parents, it’s about setting boundaries that work, and for grandparents, it’s about recognizing that flexibility can really show the parents that you are ... willing to make adjustments for their children and grandchildren."

Enjoyable, low-stress quality time — that's something everyone can get behind.

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Health

Australia takes aim at social media announcing ban for all kids 16 and under

Have they gone too far?

via Canva/Photos

Teen looking at their smartphones.

Over the past few years, a groundswell of parents, educators and lawmakers have been sounding the alarm about social media's dangers to young people. Recently, the calls have become louder after the publication of “The Anxious Generation” by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, which ties social media to the growing mental health and self-harm crisis affecting young people.

Haidt says that children shouldn’t have access to social media or smartphones until they are 16.

On Thursday, November 7, Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese announced a "world-leading" plan to ban social media for children under 16, even if they already have accounts and parental permission.

Under the proposed legislation, social media companies such as Meta or TikTok would be fined and penalized if they allowed anyone under 16 to use their platforms.

The law wouldn’t penalize any children or their parents for disobeying the law and it's expected to be implemented next year.

"Social media is doing harm to our kids and I'm calling time on it," Albanese said Thursday. "I've spoken to thousands of parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles. They, like me, are worried sick about the safety of our kids online, and I want Australian parents and families to know that the government has your back."

"This one's for the mums and dads. Social media is doing harm to our kids and I'm calling time on it," Albanese continued.

The 36Months initiative supports the ban, saying that children are "not yet ready to navigate online social networks safely" until at least 16 and that currently, "excessive social media use is rewiring young brains within a critical window of psychological development, causing an epidemic of mental illness.”

Meta, the company that owns Facebook and Instagram, argues that its current safety controls are enough to provide a safe environment for children on their platforms. "There's a solution that negates many of these concerns and simplifies things immeasurably for parents: parental consent and age verification should happen on the app store. And we think Australia should make it law," the company said in a statement.

The bill's detractors say it prevents Australian children from developing the essential skills to navigate the internet and social media. "The online world is a place where children and young people access information, build social and technical skills, connect with family and friends, learn about the world around them and relax and play," said a letter signed by 140 Australian and international experts and delivered to Albanese. "We are concerned that a 'ban' is too blunt an instrument to address risks effectively."

The announcement comes a year after the U.S. Surgeon General's office announced that social media poses a mental health risk to young people.

“The most common question parents ask me is, ‘Is social media safe for my kids’. The answer is that we don't have enough evidence to say it's safe, and in fact, there is growing evidence that social media use is associated with harm to young people’s mental health,” U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said in a statement. “Children are exposed to harmful content on social media, ranging from violent and sexual content to bullying and harassment. And for too many children, social media use is compromising their sleep and valuable in-person time with family and friends. We are in the middle of a national youth mental health crisis, and I am concerned that social media is an important driver of that crisis – one that we must urgently address.”

A series of new laws have been passed in the U.S. over the last year to provide young people with a safer online experience. However, NetChoice, an advocacy group representing TikTok, Meta and X, has challenged many in court. In July of this year, the U.S. Senate passed the Children and Teens’ Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA 2.0) and the Kids Online Safety Act (KOSA) to better protect children and teens online. Together, bills would give parents new tools to protect their kids online and ban targeting online advertising to children under 17. The bill has yet to be passed by the House, but if it does, President Biden says he will sign it into law before he leaves office in January.

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Health

Conflict expert shares the 1 phrase you can use to stop an argument from happening

It'll make people agree with you, too.

via Canva/Photos

A guy having a collaborative conversation.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.

How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

relationships
Pop Culture

Kate Winslet explains why women become more beautiful as they get older

She's not wrong.

Photo credit: Movieway PL

Kate Winslet on TIFF red carpet in 2017

In 2005, Kate Winslet was named one of PEOPLE magazine's Most Beautiful People. But even then, at age 29, Winslet had a remarkably grounded view of beauty. When asked what made her feel beautiful, she said, "The happiness I feel in having a family has brought me a real beauty."

Nearly two decades later, Winslet's take on beauty is even more revealing of her down-to-earth character. In a video sit-down with Harper's Bazaar UK, the 49-year-old actor shared some of her life lessons on different topics, and in responding to what she's learned about beauty, she shared:

"Number one is that women get more beautiful as they get older, for sure, because our faces become more a part of who we are, they sit better on our bone structure, they have more life, they have more history. Things I find incredibly beautiful are wrinkles around the eyes, the backs of hands. I think those things are very beautiful.”

She also talked about the importance of taking care of yourself from the inside. "Not just what you eat and how you look after yourself from a nutritional standpoint, but how you look after yourself from a mental wellness standpoint," she said. "How you feel about yourself emotionally, physically. Your place within the world. How you walk through the world. How you live with integrity and sincerity. I think those things matter and those things do come out in how we look and subsequently, of course, how we feel. And beauty is really a feeling, I don't think it's a thing that we look at."

People loved Winslet's commentary on aging and beauty, which run counter to so much of the societal messaging we get about wrinkles and other signs of aging being ugly or undesirable.

"As a little girl I remember looking up at my piano teacher as she sat next to me on the piano bench and I looked forward to getting crows feet like she had because I thought she was so beautiful! 😍"

"To me, this is an obvious truth. I feel sorry for people who cannot see the beauty in an ageing face. It's like going to an historic city like Venice and wanting to put new plaster or new facades over all the crumbling walls."

"Every line tells a story. Growing old is a privilege. It’s incumbent upon all of us to unlearn the lies we’ve been sold by the beauty industry that only youth is beautiful."

"More of this thinking please 🙌❤️ let’s celebrate what is natural and re-balance our attitudes towards aging. As a 45 year old woman who is about to be a grandmother this video made me feel really good 😌🦋🙏🏼✨"

"My AGE is a BLESSING not a BOUNDARY.🔥"

"Exactly one of the reasons I adore Kate Winslet and will watch anything she’s in. So strong. So wise. So real. So fully human. A luminous beauty — and she’s right, she is more beautiful with age. Even when she plays characters with very plain make-up and clothes."

In the full video, Winslet also shared what makes her feel beautiful:

"I think the answer to that question is that it just changes all the time. Often I will feel my most beautiful when I'm just relaxing. I'm working on achieving the relaxing thing more and more. In fact, this year I'm doing quite a lot of that. But often I will feel my most beautiful, perhaps, when I'm just at home with Ned and the children, just being my natural self."

Winslet has previously shared that women get more powerful and sexy in their 40s, which is music to middle-aged ears:

"I think women come into their 40s, certainly mid-40s, thinking: ‘Oh well, this is the beginning of the decline and things start to change and fade and slide in directions that I don't want them to go in anymore.’ And I've just decided no," she said. “We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy. We grow into ourselves more, we have the opportunity to speak and speak our mind and not be afraid of what people think of us, not care what we look like quite so much. I think it's amazing."

In her Bazaar UK video, Winslet also shared what she's learned about friendship, confidence, style, empowerment and more. Watch the full video here:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

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A new dad described his first time meeting his baby in the most beautiful way.

It feels different for everyone, but this is one perspective we can all appreciate.

Photo by Felipe Salgado on Unsplash

I'm a proud dad of two girls, so I've experienced it twice. There's something incredible about the very first moment you lay eyes on your baby or hold them in your arms. A brand new person in the world.

Both times it filled me with overwhelming emotion – even if only for a few seconds. Just a rush of love and wonder that is really hard to describe. Luckily, one new dad was able to capture it quite perfectly.

Joshua Lelon recently posted a screenshot of a text sent to him by a friend shortly after the birth of his son, trying to describe the feeling:

"You know how when someone you love dies, at first it doesn't sink in but then you start thinking about all the things you will no longer be able to do with them?

"It's like the opposite feeling of that. It's incredible."

What a perfect description. It's the opposite of grief and loss. It's the feeling of gaining something completely new, something that didn't even exist in the world before that exact moment. And it's not something most of us to get to experience very often, if ever.

Joshua's friend's words really struck a nerve with parents on X. The quote was viewed over 1.5 million times and inspired thousands of reposts and comments.

What's behind the powerful feeling you get when you see or hold your baby for the first time?

man in blue sweater kissing baby in white and blue polka dot shirt on beach during Photo by Lawrence Crayton on Unsplash

There's a lot of emotion involved in the birth of a child. You're happy, excited, anxious, grateful, overwhelmed, and a little scared. So it makes sense that most of us would have a strong reaction in that moment.

There's also a lot going on in our brains and bodies that plays a big role.

"Our brains are flooded with a mix of oxytocin (often called the 'love hormone'), dopamine, and endorphins, which create that sensation of love and bonding," says Dr. Jennifer Silver.

For a quick refresher, oxytocin is a hormone heavily associated with love (both romantic and platonic), trust, and comfort. Dopamine does a lot of things in our bodies, but is mostly associated with pleasure — it just makes us feel good and want to do things that release even more dopamine. And endorphins help regulate our stress and moods — a rush of endorphins makes us feel happier, in short.

That's an extremely powerful cocktail! Needless to say, we don't usually experience all of those things at once when we meet new people.

"New parents [also[ experience changes in areas of the brain tied to empathy and caregiving, creating a profound shift in perspective," adds Silver. This can happen right away, gradually over time, or both.

Either way, there's a LOT going on all at the same time.

That helps explain why meeting your baby for the first time is such an intense, full-body feeling that can bring even the most stoic people to tears.

It's also totally normal to feel very little — or even nothing — in your earliest days as a parent.

For every person who reports the life-changing rush of love when they felt when they first saw their baby, there's another who felt almost nothing at all.

It's important to remember that that's normal, too.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists writes:

"Many new parents need more time to bond. Bonding is when you develop feelings of unconditional love for your newborn. Often, bonding happens gradually over the baby’s first year of life. So if you don’t feel these strong feelings of closeness in the first days or weeks after birth, that’s normal."

Postpartum depression, which most hospitals are on sharp lookout for, is a little different. It involves deep feelings of despair or unhappiness, crying, and thoughts of harming yourself or the baby.

Not having strong feelings toward the baby right away isn't a sign you have postpartum depression. But there's no shame in either outcome.

However, if you're feeling a little down about not having instantly bonded with your baby, the key is to fake it until you make it.

Lots of touching, skin contact, talking, and gazing into your baby's eyes has been shown to help form a stronger bond over time.

And whether you get the initial burst of happy hormones or not, just remember the wise words above. You've got a lifetime of bonding and memory making to look forward to, and that is pretty amazing.

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